thefrontporchclubph
The Front Porch Club
If you like cocktails, being unattached and challenge every thought that comes to mind, then we'll get along.
Other than that, this space is all about the finer things in my life - perfumery, interior design, architecture, Italian cuisine, European history, astronomy, cool facts about space, and fashion! You may get the occasional comic in me but I mean well despite being a dilettante.
So, welcome to The Front Porch Club! Bottoms up!
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That's it, I'm done dating starting this year. No matter how good the guy is or how great the chemistry is, I'm not ready. This year, no dating. It's a no-dating zone this 2024.
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One day you think: I want to die. And then you think, very quietly, actually I want a coffee. I want a nap. A sandwich. A book. And I want to die turns day by day into I want to go home, I want to walk in the woods, I want to see my friends, I want to sit in the sun. I want a cleaner room, I want a better job, I want to live somewhere else, I want to live.
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First Date in 4 Years Flopped
So, I went on a date for the first time in 4 years. 4 fucking years, bro. That's a long ass time to get princess treatment. And let me tell you, the date was fucking amazing. Best one I've had yet so far. From my get-up to what happened at the end of the night, it was all amazing. The date was also a perfect gentleman and paid for EVERYTHING, and I mean everything. I drank this Paloma drink that had a gold leaf in it, and baby, I shat gold the next day, okay. Also, I gave the dude two blowjobs, one before we slept and another in the morning. And it was awesome, okay.
Long story short, I found out he was dating another girl. Dun dun dunnn... how fucking depressing is that. I was so fucking ready to focus on this guy and stay consistent and shit. Goddamn it, am I fucking cursed? I'm so goddamn fucking cursed. I just have to accept that I will be single for the rest of my life, and I need to be okay with it.
2024, you were off to a fucking shitty start. You're a fucking shitty year. Fuck you, 2024. Fuck you. Fuck you and the people you let me meet. I'm done fucking meeting anyone this year. I want the people in my life to stay and have a long life. And the people that will enter my life, it better be fucking worthwhile and for the better, 2024. Fuck you, I'm done with your bullshit.
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Loss.
I just broke up with who I thought was my soulmate. I thought this person was the best person I've ever met in my life; he was almost perfect in every way, and in the times when his faults would show, I didn't mind. I loved him dearly in every way. It was beautiful. We had such a healthy and beautiful love. The kind of love you see in movies or those old married couples who still have a thing for each other. God, I like him a lot. He was the best thing I've ever had.
But today was such a loss. Today, I felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest, stitched back, and ripped again. Ten thousand times. It feels unreal. I hate this feeling. Loneliness, guilt, pain. I have so much love to give. I don't know where to put it. Where do I put you? I wish you could take all the love you gave me so this pain could go away. I wish there was a button somewhere on my body I could press to stop feeling this way altogether. What hurts the most is that it was doomed from the start, but we were so in love. We wanted this to happen so badly: get married, have 6 kids, have pets, have a beautiful farmhouse, and have family come over for the holidays while we sit by the fireplace and tell jokes. Oh, what a beautiful memory, and I only wanted it with him. This guy just left a big hole in my heart, and I want it filled with him and only him. I hate this suffering. How do I end it without destroying myself? I can't breathe sometimes, it's hard not to think about him. Even when I'm distracted, I can't stop thinking about him.
I have so many things in my room that remind me of him. I bought two necklaces that spell his name out. God, why did I do that? I loved him so much that I bought jewelry customized to remind me of him. What do I do with all these things? This necklace, this outfit I had wanted to wear to a date, these ideas and plans I had in my mind to make us happy. What the fuck do I do? I just need fucking answers on how to be okay again fast; this has been the worst day of my life. How the fuck do I move on? How? How? How?
I'm in this little corner of my room crying my eyes out, and this has been the loneliest I've ever been in my life. The same corner where we would have calls and have the time of our lives.
I need noise. I need noise. I need noise. Drown me in noise so my thoughts go away.
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It's funny...
Surprise, surprise - here I am once again looking at the consequences of my actions. Met a really decent dude. Kind of cute, really tall, has great body, has stable professional life, and is looking forward to settling down. Now here's the funny thing - I know for a god damn fact that I would never ever want to settle down i.e. have kids and get married. I made a vow to myself when I was 18 that I would never step into this kind of life that the straights would want me to get into. But WHY OH WHY do I always go for the guy who wants this kind of thing haha. I mean, I obviously know why. I can be such a manipulative bitch sometimes and I don't know what I want. I say that I don't wanna get married yet I go for the guy who wants to and is ready for a family. I say I don't want kids yet I fall flat on my knees when I find out the guy has paternal potential. Truthfully, I don't what I want and I don't know who I am at the moment. I'm tired of that. One thing that I can say I'm proud of about myself when that dude and I broke our communication off, was that I did not once apologize for my wants and for being myself. I didn't try to be a people pleaser around him, I was actually telling the truth about myself no matter how much shame it still held. For example, I told him my body count of 60. That's a lot for a 24-year-old. But not once did I say sorry about it nor defend me about it. it's so liberating, so freeing, such a relish to not be apologetic about yourself. To just tell the truth. To not care if the other person will like it or not. This is the beauty of it, I guess.
But I digress, I take on the challenge of going for the guy who is obviously in a different stage in my life. I always seem to go big or go home but when things are going great, I become half-hearted about my decisions. This is what that quote was talking about "it takes practice to feel good, too." I go for that kind of guy because I may be bored, or maybe deep down I really do want those things and it makes me feel wanted & feel like the girl in the movies who's got it all - the man, the house, the job, etc. And then when things start to fall into place, I get uncomfortable. My brain's trained to feel uncomfortable the moment things start to be stable. Isn't that crazy? I've gotten a lot of practice being uncomfortable. But when feeling good takes its place, boy do I make the biggest mess and run from it. It does take practice to feel good and I should be devoted to that practice. Our brains are survival machines so obviously there will always be uncomfortable situations & crises we'll deal with. But feeling good? unwinding and not giving a fuck about the past or the future? Ah, that's even more liberating and freeing.
I hope one day I free myself of the decisions I keep making about love and relationships. I hope someday I find what I truly want and need and that I finally know myself and rebuilt myself. I hope someday I get to ask myself, is this what you want? And say yes to it wholeheartedly and I hope someday I find someone who can say and feel the same. Oh, what a long time it'll be before that happens. And that's okay, I'm only 24. Love should be the last thing on my mind anyway but it doesn't hurt to always try what's out there, I guess.
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Been feeling insecure lately. I’m forgetting who I am lately. Hopefully this feeling backs off in a week or so.
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