#thefrontporchclub

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It's funny...

Surprise, surprise - here I am once again looking at the consequences of my actions. Met a really decent dude. Kind of cute, really tall, has great body, has stable professional life, and is looking forward to settling down. Now here's the funny thing - I know for a god damn fact that I would never ever want to settle down i.e. have kids and get married. I made a vow to myself when I was 18 that I would never step into this kind of life that the straights would want me to get into. But WHY OH WHY do I always go for the guy who wants this kind of thing haha. I mean, I obviously know why. I can be such a manipulative bitch sometimes and I don't know what I want. I say that I don't wanna get married yet I go for the guy who wants to and is ready for a family. I say I don't want kids yet I fall flat on my knees when I find out the guy has paternal potential. Truthfully, I don't what I want and I don't know who I am at the moment. I'm tired of that. One thing that I can say I'm proud of about myself when that dude and I broke our communication off, was that I did not once apologize for my wants and for being myself. I didn't try to be a people pleaser around him, I was actually telling the truth about myself no matter how much shame it still held. For example, I told him my body count of 60. That's a lot for a 24-year-old. But not once did I say sorry about it nor defend me about it. it's so liberating, so freeing, such a relish to not be apologetic about yourself. To just tell the truth. To not care if the other person will like it or not. This is the beauty of it, I guess. But I digress, I take on the challenge of going for the guy who is obviously in a different stage in my life. I always seem to go big or go home but when things are going great, I become half-hearted about my decisions. This is what that quote was talking about "it takes practice to feel good, too." I go for that kind of guy because I may be bored, or maybe deep down I really do want those things and it makes me feel wanted & feel like the girl in the movies who's got it all - the man, the house, the job, etc. And then when things start to fall into place, I get uncomfortable. My brain's trained to feel uncomfortable the moment things start to be stable. Isn't that crazy? I've gotten a lot of practice being uncomfortable. But when feeling good takes its place, boy do I make the biggest mess and run from it. It does take practice to feel good and I should be devoted to that practice. Our brains are survival machines so obviously there will always be uncomfortable situations & crises we'll deal with. But feeling good? unwinding and not giving a fuck about the past or the future? Ah, that's even more liberating and freeing. I hope one day I free myself of the decisions I keep making about love and relationships. I hope someday I find what I truly want and need and that I finally know myself and rebuilt myself. I hope someday I get to ask myself, is this what you want? And say yes to it wholeheartedly and I hope someday I find someone who can say and feel the same. Oh, what a long time it'll be before that happens. And that's okay, I'm only 24. Love should be the last thing on my mind anyway but it doesn't hurt to always try what's out there, I guess.

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Last Sunday

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Wes Anderson kind of day 💜

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4:30 am vibes

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