thehedgewhoisactuallyahuman-blog - Tumblr blog

[thehedgewhoisactuallyahuman-blog]

On Absence

Uh, right.

The observant of you may have noticed that I've been completely inactive for the last two weeks, when I indicated that that there would be an update the day after.

This was because my mother found out about the blog and got, well, rather distressed. She's great and all that, but she's incredibly paranoid about the dangers of spreading information on the internet. She panicked, and confiscated the computer for two weeks, and had a great many chats with me about all these reports she's read about kids being murdered and how dare I not tell her about this earlier. I tried to explain that it probably is significantly less dangerous than she thought it was, but she was adamant, sadly.

To cut a long story short, I won't really be allowed to use this blog again. I'm really sorry to all of you who enjoyed this, but I have been forbidden from typing out anything more than this explanation - and I had to negotiate for this. 

I'll keep reading Homestuck, though; I've been allowed to do that.

Again, I'd really like to continue, but I'm too afraid of the consequences, to continue, really. Sorry to anyone who enjoyed it, again.

~Hedge.

[Bye. :(]

[thehedgewhoisactuallyahuman-blog]

Act 3 Scene 4: ROUND TWO

Uh, right.

I am a moron.

Yes. REALLY DUMB.

(Or maybe just blind?)

(That's two disabilities for the price of one, you know!)

I was re-reading the last post (well, the one before that, but I don't think that Cal-Superman really counts) to look for typos and...

THERE'S A MASSIVE TRIANGLE THERE

HOW DID I MISS THAT?

I need stronger glasses.

Or, uh, a better posture.

I've tried changing how far I'm tilting back and forth in my chair, and it turns out that there is EXACTLY ONE position in which the arrow is invisible.

AND IT'S THIS EXACT ONE AGGGGGGGG

If I lean back, it's more visible than an Arctic Fox that's rolled in industrial strength fluorescent dye before wandering into the Desaturated Plains of Dark Greyness.

>.<'

OH YES.

SERIOUSLY, HOW DID I MISS THIS?

HEINOUS.

It's an OGRE STRIFE.

And the music is some video game boss-battle remix of Harlequin.

ON AN ORGAN.

Organs are the best. <3

Oh my gosh, it's AMAZING.

Alchemising that Pogohammer is the best thing you've ever done, Egbert.

Except maybe turn into some weird evil candy boy when I press Ctrl+Alt+T? 

But this is definitely less disconcerting.

And provides better limit breaks.

WHAT IF IT TURNS THE OGRE INTO A POOL OF GREEN SLIME?

That would be rather beneficial!

Aww.

You're so terrible at fighting monsters, John.

It's kind of adorable, really.

I'm sure one day you'll grow up into a big strong Heir of Breath and... Breathe on them.

Yes.

Is...

Is this safe?

I don't really think it is.

It looks downright DANGEROUS.

I'm pretty sure the liability on that tyre doesn't cover 'being attacked with said product by gigantic monster from a video game which has teleported you into some near-empty void to escape the apocalypse' in its liabilities. Or however law works.

At least he has a magic cyan clown grandmother ghost mentor to heal him! o_O;

Gosh, his health vial is nearly empty! These ogres could actually potential KILL HIM. And that's terrible.

Hmm, do the game's players die when their Health Vial runs out? Or are they merely KO'd, or something? It would mirror most RPGs better if he was only knocked out; phoenix downs only revive the unconscious, remember! But enemies just die, really. o_O

And then it loops, causing severe psychological trauma to our innocent 13-year-old protagonist; the fact that his actions repeat infinitely, with him being futile to change their outcome, lead him down a dark path of nihilism, apathy, and then getting really bored.

Now, uh, let's get back to the future. 

Looks like someone's pestering you. 

Even though you thought you logged off... ?

Well, what do you expect, when you're dealing with HACKERS?!

Tsk.

(Oh gosh, are we finally meeting them? Or one of them? I don't even care. THIS IS REALLY GOING TO BE VERY GOOD EVERYONE.)

So these people, presumably OBNOXIOUS MISCREANTS from the internet, not only come from the TROLLslum, but actually TROLL people, too? I sense my diagnosis was correct. Is one of them going to post stupid memes or something?

Oh gosh they're all going to post stupid image macros and ragefaces and type in 13375P3K3 and abuse the french masculine singular definite article. 

And hmm, that time is anagrammatically auspicious!

So this CG person (who judging by the previous patterns we've seen is MALE, probably) types in grey, as opposed to the BRIGHT COLOURS of the four kids. Is the signifying of his malevolence, and his opposition to BRIGHT COLOURS and PRETTY THINGS? Yes. Yes it is.

Uh...

UUUHHH...

I don't really know what I was expected, but this certainly isn't it! o_O

I mean, I sort of expected some sort of malevolence on CG's behalf, but... 

I expected it to be a bit more... intelligent? Suave? Less, uh, brutishly arrogant and acerbic? o_o' And perhaps somebody who knows where the 'CAPS LOCK' button is, too.

And also I expected Jade to be in some sort of at least marginally friendly alliance with them, instead of... this.

Anyway, CG seems to be talking about them playing Sburb. That is, uh, fairly obvious. But how does he know this? Is he, like Jade, precognitive?  Perhaps he has HACKED INTO THE FUTURE or something. Because that makes perfect sense. OR MAYBE he's in the medium, which has no time, in either a different game session or ours (in our medium's future?). 

What could the thing that we, as the GENETICIST so eloquently states 'FUCK UP'? Perhaps one of the players dies, meaning the game can't be completed? Perhaps John's duties to make new life GO HORRIBLY WRONG and create horrible mutants? I  don't really know. Context is relevant, however; the meaning of his line changes greatly if 'you' is singular or plural. (cue chants of 'bring back thou!')

If it *is* something Jade specifically does wrong, it could be interesting. Perhaps she has the ability to FORESEE some crucial mishap, but fails to take action against it? I don't know. I need more information!!!

Or maybe better deduction. D:

(And posture)

I wonder if the other 11 will be politer. If they are ever seen. >.<

I'm presuming we are back with Rose.

I suppose we've opened one of the modules on the chessboard.

Number 413, obviously.

Does SN stand for 'Skaianet', like on Bro's computer? That would make a substantial amount of sense!

It looks sort of like the various contraptions you've been deploying in John's house. You wonder what it does?

I'm pretty sure it's an appearifier.

But it's green, since it's making a statement.

Rose, we've talked about this.

Why don't we switch to a sylladex that *doesn't* necessitate a complete ejection of everything in it to access *one* item!

It's highly impractical and unhygienic.

Whoops, we appearified Jaspers.

That was silly of us.

Now there's a dead cat in formal attire wandering some random location.

Well, not wandering. Decomposing?

...

...

BY AZATHOTH, ROSE.

Why didn't you do this earlier?

What possible practical use could the other have? I mean, it might be better for combat, but that's about it!

Rose seems to be letting practically override elegance, too. Is this character development or something?

Now, this green cube may look like any of the 10 000 other cubes.

But it isn't.

For this cube is cube #413.

And that means it has a SPECIAL DESTINY.

Isn't that great?

ROSE STOP PHYSICALLY INTERACTING WITH SUCH ABSTRACTIONS

It's breaking everything.

Yep, Skaianet.

And a timer.

Well bother.

Will this turn into a meteor or something

And fly to Skaia

is this how it works

Hmm, so this must be inside the Mendicant's big apple. Which has sadly fallen over.

I guess they get to control somebody too!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

etc.

THE WORM IS DEAD

ALL HOPE IS LOST

SUCH BLEAK TRAGEDY

Oh well. Just a robot. Who cares.

This seems rather precarious.

BUT THE WORM-KILLER DESERVES IT.

Maybe they are CG.

But probably not because that would be stupid.

Why did I even care about the worm, anyway?

We've got 3 replacement ones.

They don't even have personalities!

(They are still adorable, though. u_u)

THE WORMS HAVE THEIR REVENGE.

How does it feel to be a robot and have your head cut off *now*, Mendicant?!

Ooh, we have a HELICOPTER.

Isn't that great?

Helicopters are great.

(Any dissent is punishable by immediate death, of course.)

ROUND 2.

Now Bro is further implementing his tactics of psychological warfare by preventing Dave from escaping.

THAT'S NOT VERY POLITE, IS IT?

Oh crap.

Dave, you're going to have your ironic little gladiator head cut off.

or at least you would in a film.

In Rome, they didn't have 'thumbs down'.

Thumb out was 'TAKE THE SWORD OUT AND STAB THE PATHETIC LITTLE MAN FOR THE ENTERTAINMENT OF THE CROWD,' and a closed fist was 'He can live, I suppose'. 

Everyone probably already knows that, though. .-.

(It's still threatening, though!)

This really looks far less intense when you look at the stills, you know!

Remove the swords, and this turns from 'SUPER AGGRESSIVE SKY NINJA SHOWDOWN IN FRONT OF INTENSE RED SUN' to two ballet artists.

No, it does. Seriously.

I mean, I had to do ballet for a year when I was about six as part of the school curriculum, I am qualified to know these things. :V

LOOK AT THIS RIGHT HERE.

That is two separate instances of Mr Bro Strider RIGHT THERE.

Except one is A SILHOUETTE or something.

Hmm, maybe this is more proof that Dave is a Knight of Time. This phenomenon could be explained by SHORT-RANGE time-travel for usage in battle, which sounds like something a KNIGHT OF TIME could do. So maybe Bro somehow is expressing this too?

Maybe he was a time person, too.

Maybe the Heir of Time, since that's the only other male role available?

Perhaps I'll make this into some sort of proper theory by the end of act 3 or something. If I remember!

Holy crap, Bro is very good at the old FLASHSTEP manoeuvre.

Seriously, he RUNS FASTER than he throws Dave, who at the VERY MINIMUM weighs about 40kg or something.

And using Cal as a weapon, too?

I thought we had grown beyond that, Bro. u_u

...

...

Holy cranial injuries, Batman!

And also Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff references, too.

I feel both very sorry for Dave and extremely amused. (heeheeheehee)

(Does this make me a bad person? U_U)

Rose is obviously upset at the prospect of becoming part of a comic strip.

Sadly, this fate is unavoidable.

...

Because she lives in a comic strip.

What's with the tea set over there?

Are they... Mom's?

This is our SESSION TERMINAL.

And wow, that's a lot of meteor impacts! Skaia really starts playing the organ or however that metaphor goes to cause the apocalypse!

They cluster extremely densely around Rose's house. Does this mean the game knows her session is somehow more important than the others?

Also, isn't that an eight-player session of Sburb on the right?!

Is that another session, or is it foreshadowing or something?

Are there four more kids out there?

This is Rose's house.

Those meteors are RATHER LARGE.

AND VERY SOON.

COME ON DAVE, FINISH YOUR STRIFE SO ROSE DOESN'T DIE!

HOLY CRAP

THIS CRAP IS SO HOLY THAT IT'S GOT ANGEL WINGS AND A LITTLE GOLDEN HARP

IT'S SINGING A HYMN FOR GOD'S SAKE

THE METEOR 65 MILLION YEAR AGO THAT KILLED THE DINOSAURS WAS A FEW KILOMETRES ACROSS

FORGET THE ONE THE SIZE OF AUSTRALIA, ONLY THE GREEN ONE IS NECESSARY FOR THE NEAR-INSTANT DESTRUCTION OF ALL LIFE ON THE PLANET

THE BLUE ONE IS NOT AN METEOR

THAT THING WOULD HAVE GODDAMN HYDROSTATIC EQUILIBRIUM

IT WOULD BE A PLANET

THE LAST TIME THAT HAPPENED LARGE PARTS OF THE EARTH CAME OFF AND FORMED THE MOON

MOST PIOUS OF STOOLS THAT IS BIG

At least we've got our connection back?

Wow, we've got a lot more imps already.

They're like ants.

They just KEEP COMING.

And we're back to John's battle with the ogres.

HE'S GOT OUT OF THE LOOP!

Rose has saved the day again.

He's using the same tactic, though. Oh well. >.<

OH MY GOSH.

NANNA'S CYCLOPS POWERS ARE JUST THE BEST.

Seriously, I'd be an old lady clown ghost to have those.

SO COOL.

And, uh, of course we also have the obligatory 'MAGIC BLUE KITCHEN APPLIANCE' attack.

YES ROSE USE YOUR POWERS OF REALITY MANIPULATION

Well, not really powers.

More like... Actually, I don't know what they're like. Abilities?

BUT ANYWAY WE HAVE OUR HERO HERE

HE IS PERFORMING A TEXTBOOK 'VIRIDIAN CENTRIFUGAL WRATH' SPECIAL ATTACK

THIS KILLS THE OGRE

HELL YES

Wow, that is A LOT OF GRIST.

What's that silver one? I don't recognise it.

BUT NOW WE CAN BUILD... STUFF

Isn't that great?

And Rose kills the other one with the alchimiter.

LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT GRIST OVER THERE

It must be worth at least... 2!

But yes, this is the perfect time for some alchemy!

You are such a dork, John. <3

Yes, John, don't waste the grist.

It's not like you're going to alchemise something or anything.

Preposterous!

BOY-SKYLARK

That's like the best title there is.

Except for Rumpus Buster.

Obviously.

And, uh, Lodestar youth.

And a few hundred more.

But John's happy, so we're happy.

And so we leave Homestuck, until next time.

Which should be tomorrow, if my piano lesson isn't too long. .-.

[thehedgewhoisactuallyahuman-blog]

A Pun.

Err, I made this:

...

GET IT?

...

(It's Lil Kal)

[No liveblog today, sorry. D:]

[thehedgewhoisactuallyahuman-blog]

Act 3 Scene 3: HAXX0RS?!

Before I start this liveblog, I have to announcement to make.

Pollen is terrible.

Just awful.

It's plant sperm, and it makes your eyes turn pink and hurt.

We're not friends any more, pollen.

...

How does she play that? You'd need AT LEAST six arms; nearly seven!

And where is all the stuff stored inside the guitar? How silly.

Now I'm picturing Jade, her grandfather and her pet devilbeast all playing it together.

Yes.

Ooh, a music page!

Wow, this music really is relaxing.

Hmm, the thing that came from the meteor is still there, complete with a SILLY FROG.

It's a bit broken, though. Which is sad.

AND WOW IS HER HOUSE MASSIVE.

It's a massive tower with a bit poking out.

Driving down that road must take ages.

Why is it even there?

There are no boats!

But we have the present!

Hooray?

(And those lilypads are very big. VERY BIG. Seriously, even the ones in Brazil don't get THAT big. They're house-sized. There must be some BIG frogs who live on those.)

Those squid things keep getting creepier as time goes on.

TERRIFYING.

Uh, this is fancy!

Suspicions that her grandfather is Tony Stark are confirmed.

This is, uh, very silly!

IS SHE IN THE MATRIX NOW

Also there's an arm.

GOD DAMMT.

WHY DOES SHE PUT THAT ARM THERE.

This is so silly.

So her browser is ECHIDNA, the Greek 'mother of all monsters', daughter of Skaia Gaia and Tartarus. And not to be confused the spiny Australian marsupial!

The fruitant gang is back, too. As jam?

Okay then!

what

WHAT

WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT

'TROLLSLUM'

WHAAAAAAAAT

Who are these people

Are they...

HACKERS?!

IS JADE WORKING WITH MYSTERIOUS HACKERS AFTER ALL?

They all seem pretty rancorous.

Hmm, 'CG, AG, TA, TC, CA'.

They - added to the NORMAL PEOPLE usernames except John- seem to comprise the letters 'C', 'G', 'T', and 'A', which are the NUCLEOTIDES in DNA. (Cytosine, guanine, thymine and adenine). And John is the 'ectoBiologist'. Hmm.

Presumably if all possibilities were used, excluding GT maybe, then there are 12? That is a lot of characters! We probably won't see them all; they'll probably all just be VAGUELY ANTAGONISTIC together.

Also, if the pattern of double letters being female and different letters being male continues - mirroring the XX and XY sex chromosomes? - there is a gender ratio of these possible hackers of 5:1. Hmm.

BUT SERIOUSLY THERE ARE HACKERS AND MAYBE WE'LL MEET THEM SOON

In any case, CG is probably their leader - he's the only one online and his username mirrors John's - though it means someone who studies (or creates?!) cancerous genes. Hmm. (Or maybe crabs, but that's infinitely less likely.)

Jade: Pester John.

JADE DON'T DO THAT THERE IS A NEW PLOT POINT

YOU TERRIBLE PERSON

I NEED INSTANT GRATIFICATION, NOT WAITING FOR LIKE MAYBE TEN PANELS OR SOMETHING

Jade: See if Dave left you a sweet new rap.

STOP TOYING WITH MY EMOTIONS WE NEED TO SEE THE BAD GUYS

BAD GUYS ARE INTERESTING

AND DAVE IS TOO BUT WE MET HIM YEARS AGO

GET ON WITH IT!

Oh, uh, we have a BRAND NEW Dave pesterlog. 

How exciting.

Uh, why are you asking her if she's asleep, Dave?

Interesting similes notwithstanding, it's a SILLY THING to ask.

Unless she sleepwalks and sleeptalks and sleeppesters?!

?!1/

...

This is really actually somewhat adorable.

And sad.

But *mostly* adorable.

HE NEEDS HER ATTENTION.

HE'S CHEATING ON JOHN.

Not that John cares or anything.

BUT HE IS.

By teasing a sleeping girl about her love of furries or something?

???

I don't pretend to understand how you think, Dave.

You are a very silly boy.

Ooh, music?

Presumably the icons show who composed it and later remixed it?

Dave. 

You are terrible at remixes.

Stop.

WHAT DID YOU DO TO SHOWTIME

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

YOU INFIDEL

IT DOESN'T FIT

BACK OF THE CLASS

Your Aggrieve Remix is EVEN WORSE, if that's possible.

MY EARS.

LET'S MEET THE HACKERS.

NOT THIS.

DAVE WHY.

Okay, Verdancy is pretty good. Note that it has no influence from Dave, who is a terrible musician.

THAT'S RIGHT, DAVE. I SAID IT.

And Potential Verdancy is downright catchy. You go, Jade.

Even if you in an EVIL ALLIANCE with a bunch of hackers.

Ohgodwhat is absolutely hilarious.

It's so cheesy and adorable and silly.

The remix actually works, too.

JADE > DAVE in music.

But not in child abuse.

(Probably.)

Rediscover Fusion starts off strangely, but then at about 00:15 it begins to sound better. Okay then.

The title implies that there was a plain 'Fusion' earlier, but apparently not?!1

I like Crystalanthemums, too. 

And the Explore remix is the WV:Ascend song remixed? I liked the original better. .-.

ANYWAY LET'S GOOOOO.

Wait

What

Homestuck is an Intermission?

IS THIS THE LAST PAGE

WAS IT ALL A RUSE?

DID YOU ALL TRICK ME?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

YOU TERRIBLE PEOPLE

WE'LL NEVER MEET THE TROLLS NOW

Ooh, a flash.

Ooh, the Midnight Crew!

It's not a surprise since it was implied by the title, if not EXPLICITLY STATED.

And music is SO SMOOTH.

You could even say that it's...

...

...

SLICK.

Wow that was lame.

Ah! So that's who the MYSTERIOUS PEOPLE on Dave's wall were. 

The Number 2 person seems rather glum. Which is understandable, if you are a Number 2. It really is crap.

(HAHAHAHA)

I know nothing about guns, but I'm pretty sure that Droog now has two broken arms.

Poor Droog.

Yay! We meet the Problem Sleuth guys again!

Isn't this great?

Right?

Oh, so you didn't lie?

Just more META STUFF.

I forgive you all, then.

BUT ANY MORE OF THIS AND I WON'T BE HAPPY.

Also, Jade's account on furaffinity is 'vampireprincess007'. Okay then. o_O

IS SHE SECRETLY A VAMPIRE?

AND A PRINCESS?

AND JAMES BOND?

Such twists in the plot!

And then we have a pesterlog I'VE ALREADY READ.

And the next page is a strife page.

WITH A PERSPECTIVE CHANGE.

We'll never see those hackers. u_u

ALAS.

OHMYGOSH

Look at all those options!

This going to be great!

But, uh, where's the music? AND BRO?

HE CUT THE MENU IN HALF?

Well, Striders do love cutting gaming abstractions in half! o_o'

It must be genetic.

Round 1?

There'll be multiple rounds?

WHAT?

And there's Li'l Cal.

Hell no.

At... least... there's... music...?

Aww, they're holding hands.

BUT SERIOUSLY THIS IS SO DISTURBING I CANNOT EXPRESS THE AMOUNT OF DISTURBINGNESS IT CONTAINS

BECAUSE THAT AMOUNT IS A LOT

Bro is using Cal as A WEAPON.

HE'S MOVING SO FAST IT LOOKS LIKE CAL IS MOVING ON HIS OWN

NONONONONONONO

[Note: I screencapped the final loop about fifty times, trying to get a *glimpse* of Bro. NOT ONE OF THEM SHOWED HIM AT ALL. AGHDFKJYCXHDJHGDZXFHJ]

Luckily, Dave has learnt to fly in order to combat this new form of child abuse.

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH

WHAT THE HELL

WHAT THE HELL

WHAT THE HEEEEEEEELLLLLLL

GIVE ME HACKERS NOW PLEASE

So, uh, we're back to Jade.

(And hopefully the hackers.)

And a NEW PESTERLOG

Oh, Rose.

Hmm, so Jade knows all about Sburb. But we knew that already, really.

And this is only the second pesterlog between the two.

They seem to have the least, well, not *interesting*, but something like that, relationship of the kids, which consists Jade acting as some sort of foil to Rose in the same way John is for Dave. Except with less homoerotic subtext. :(

Well, except for that bit.

OOH A MAGIC SECRET PASSAGE YAY

DOES IT LEAD TO THE HACKERS?

IT LEADS TO THE HACKERS EVERYONE!

Ooh, a GREEN GLOW!

Is it the glow of... LOVE?

No.

You pack up your LUNCHTOP and get ready to take care of some business downstairs.

No Jade.

NO JADE.

TALK.

TO!

THE!

HAXX0RS!

A hand.

Okay then.

Oh, hello Mendicant!

That worm is adorable.

JUST LOOK AT IT.

New favourite character! ^^

NO WORM MAILBOXES ARE NOT NUTRITIOUS

NOT MY FAVOURITE CHARACTER NOOOOO

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I DIDN'T NEED TO READ ANY OF THAT, JOHN.

AHAHAHAHAHA

Because I FIGURED IT OUT FOR MYSELF AHAHAHAHA

...

In other news, an insane teenager has found a new hobby: goading fictional 13-year-olds!

Hmm, it seems like John isn't actually *that* stupid; he's just socially stupid!

Where are we?

That 'S' has two of Jade's symbols on it! How SUSPICIOUS.

Wait, we're Rose now?

IS SHE ALL OF THE HACKERS?

What is this place?

It's Sburb-green, hmm, so maybe it has something to do with it?

Maybe this is the way Mom relates to Sburb?

AAAAAAAAAAAND it's a chessboard.

Sburb connection: confirmed.

Right now I'm really glad I don't have epilepasgliur;fohsdjAPOK;LH,DSFKulh

So Jade's grandfather collects... Dead things.

That he's murdered.

Great!

I agree with Jade.

These KNIGHTS are way cooler than dead things.

Dead things suck.

WAIT THAT IS IRON MAN.

TONY.

STARK.

Also, what's up with the orange glow?

A MAGENTA GLOW?

Also, those mummies are SO CREEPY it's impossible.

This is cyan.

Why would you want cyan women.

Grandpa is really odd.

what

Is that...

John's browser?!

What the hell?

Hmm, no glow here.

I NEED SOME SLEEP SO I SHALL HAVE THAT NOW.

Goodbye!

[thehedgewhoisactuallyahuman-blog]

Act 3 Scene 2: Farmstink Buttlass (SUPER MEGA UPDATE WHICH IS ABOUT 50 PAGES LONG)

Right, I'm actually going to INCREASE my RATE OF UPDATES now, to more than 2 pages a week. Won't that be great! 

So here we have Jade, which means she'll FINALLY get her formal introduction. Presumably this is before we saw her in the bit where Dave climbed the stairs and certainly before WV's shenanigans - well hundreds of years before, technically, but you know what I mean! The pumpkin is unmolested. Stupid chess pieces.

So, uh, it seems that my information was WRONG. 

This girl's name is not Jade Harley! That was utter claptrap, balderdash, hogwash, rubbish. Her name is Farmstink Buttlass. (Buttlass rhymes with Cutlass.)

Hmm, it's interesting how her and John both received silly names that a 7-year-old would find vulgar, and  Rose and Dave both received personal insults. And that Jade and John both wear correctional eyewear, whilst Dave and Rose don't (Ben Stiller's shades don't count.) And also hair colour, too.

Huh.

Uh, can we do this? Jostle some unsuspecting civilian (who is secretly EVIL) with a, um, cursor?

Is it legal?

Will we get arrested for hacking into real life or something?!

Not that Homestuck seems to have much of a distinction between Real Life and video games, anyway. 

She has...

DISCO ARMS

Or rave arms. I don't know.

Vague-dance-party-of-some-sort-arms?

I know nothing about parties, okay. u_u

OKAY?

But I do know things about arms, and I CAN CONFIRM that those are indeed the appendages you are looking for.

Drop pumpkin on Farmstink.

(Ugh, tumblr really doesn't want me to upload any animated gifs. >.>)

(Apart from ones with party arms.)

Dammit, Vagabond!

Why must you foil our HUMOROUS CHICANERY?

It makes everyone sad.

Except Jade Farmstink, probably. u_u

Hmm, what if you clicked on something red? WHAT COLOUR WOULD IT TURN?

Such mysteries!

But I have to say that I am impressed by how cute Andrew can make handwriting. I can make handwriting messy and... slightly less messy.

It's a wonderful variation.

Anyway, the I'm impressed with how all the characters seem to seem 13 years old too. (Indeed, all 4 13-year olds) He's very good at that!

And after a gruelling process of being named, Jade finally awakes to a world rich with cotton-candy clouds and highly unrealistic flowers.

Wait

Am I going senile

At 14

She has a pumpkin on her shirt

A PUMPKIN

SHE HAD AN ATOM GOSH DARN IT

OH GOSH IT'S GOING TO BE ANOTHER 'WHAT  PUMPKIN?' JOKE.

But you can't just...

Change shirt!

That's against the rules of, uh, plot! 

YES.

And why would you do that, anyway?

Uh, now it's a... spade?

A leaf?

In Germany I'm pretty sure the spades are leaves anyway.

Maybe she's German?

BUT HOW IS SHE CHANGING HER SHIRT ARGCYRJTKUFLIOAF

Seriously, WHAT IS HAPPENING TO HER CHEST 

... Don't take that out of context. >.<

She seems to have more than just flowers, hmm! SIX more things, in fact.

Are the flowers (since they are epicycloids) Skaia, and the vegetables the four planets and the light and dark kingdoms?

Or is this Not A Thing?

You have just woken from a restful nap, and as usual, you have no recollection of having fallen asleep.

Hmm.

Maybe she is psychic, and gets her knowledge from visions in her dreams or something? Like trances or something? That seems... unsatisfying, though. I'm positive it has something to do with those arms. >.<

Okay, it seems like the shirt is staying as a spadeleaf.

I'm keeping my eye on it though.

Jade's instrument is the flute, then?

Which is interactive.

Let's make some music!

...

This is not quite what I expected.

Oh Nyarlathotep, that face is adorable. 

LOOK AT THOSE BUCK TEETH.

Aww.

AND THE PUMPKIN IS BACK!

And she doesn't know how to play the flute. 

I gathered that much myself. >.<

But she can play a MYSTERY INSTRUMENT.

AN OBOE? A TUBA? A HARPSICHORD?

Such suspense.

Jade... doesn't have a Fetch Modus?

What?

HOW DOES SHE CARRY STUFF THEN?

Hmm, she has plenty of captchalogue cards!

So she can CHANGE MODUS AT WILL?

That's the worst superpower ever.

And they're all based on classic family games.

How would most of these work?

Would you have to surgically remove items from somebody in Operation?

The Clue(do) modus would probably make you shout 'IT WAS THE PUMPKIN IN THE GREENHOUSE WITH THE APPEARIFIER' in order to get it; you'd have to narrate how it was killed or something?!1

I won't speculate on all of these because I have LIMITED TIME.

(I'm going to watch the new superman film with my cousin! ^^)

She chooses memory.

This shouldn't provide much of a challenge for her.

SHE'LL HAVE A MAGICAL FAIRY VISION OR SOMETHING AHAHAHAHA

Jade: Squeal like a piglet and fertilize some plants.

Jade receives her SILLY COMMAND. All very formulaic and predictable.

BUT STILL HUMOROUS. u_u

This is adorable.

Jade is now my new favourite.

(Even though they are ALL my favourite, dammit.)

Jade's introduction has been notably different from the others - she was seen before she was introduced, she was asleep, she can't play her instrument, she has MULTIPLE MODI, and she does the silly thing.

Is this pointing to the fact she is either secretly more important than the others, or does it hint that in the future, she'll break other typically observed patterns?

I'd keep an eye out for those, but I only have two and I'm using the other one to stare at her shirt, which is currently the SPADELEAF.

SPADELEAF, PUMPKIN and CHESTATOM.

You captchalogue the BAG OF FERTILIZER.

And her arm too, it appears.

Hmm, I wonder if she needs these strings because she has so many visions she can't distinguish between the present and the future, or something?

That would be quite the predicament! o_O

And I wonder what the 'other' package John is getting is. 

It sounds vaguely sinister.

(Which may be etymologically fitting; this is her left hand. I think.)

Jade, why are you DELIBERATELY taking up space in your inventory pointlessly?

AND WHY DO YOU HAVE A BLUE CHESTSLIME.

Is this a reference to the panel with the gif palette issues?!

OR IS IT VILLAINY?

That's a very impressive staircase! Is Jade as rich as Rose?

Is that the appearifier symbol from the Vagabond's base?

... HOW DID SHE GET THAT?

And her shirt is an epicycloid. Hmm.

Her grandfather has a laboratory.

And almost certainly a connection with Sburb.

How else would he get these Appearifiers?!

And also we can extrapolate from the hints that all the other guardians know about it.

I wonder if her grandfather created those epicycloid flowers with SCIENCE or something.

Uh, apples don't come from palm trees.

And the shirt has changed again!

But I like how she's treating the modus as something to have fun with, as opposed to how annoyed the other three are with theirs.

Also, I'm pretty sure that that apple is just WISHING for someone to kill it.

Look at that poor, poor face.

From its state of perennial lockjaw, it can barely force the words out. 'Heeeeelllppp... m... meee...'

But instead of euthanising it, Jade... puts it in her sylladex.

Okay.

OH GOSH THERE ARE MORE HORRIBLE MUTANTS.

Just look at that rictus of terror.

The last is the worst.

That just isn't natural.

The poor, poor babies.

You never use the stairs.

JADE NOOOOOOO!

Well, she didn't last long.

Bother.

Maybe we could let Jaspers be our fourth kid? Oh, he's dead too.

Nanna?

Also dead.

The Vagabond?

I think we're on to something here.

Sorry, Vagabond.

It appears she was reconstituted.

Give us some warning before you beam yourself up, next time, Jade! >.<

And now she has Rose's shirt.

Except now it's really disturbing.

CHEERTHULHU.

Also, is it me, or do those orbs on that box resemble these?

Interesting.

I wonder what's inside!

This is Jade's room, obviously.

It has things vaguely resembling smuppets? e.e

Uh.

Okay then.

And also more of those orbs on her bed? I have no idea what they could do.

Lots of things that look like Chesthulhu too.

A guitar, too? Is that her instrument?

She's also got a chest similar to John's, which is also covered in moons and stars. 

Finally, she's got a poster Chestslime and... Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff?

But cats?

What?!1

You are an avid follower of CARTOON SHOWS OF CONSIDERABLE NOSTALGIC APPEAL. You have a profound zeal for marvelous and fantastical FAUNA OF AN ANTHROPOMORPHOLOGICAL PERSUASION. You have an uncanny knack for NUCLEAR PHYSICS, and not infrequently can be found dabbling in RATHER ADVANCED GADGETRY. You enjoy sporadic fits of NARCOLEPSY; your love of GARDENING transcends the glass confines of your ATRIUM; and you are at times prone to patterns of PRECOGNITIVE PROGNOSTICATION. 

So, she's fond of nuclear physics, as demonstrated by her atom shirt? Perhaps all of her shirts portray her interests?

Also, does the text imply she's a furry, or something? Hmm.

Yay! I was right about the uranium being associated with her then.

But also not yay because THERE ARE LARGE CHUNKS OF IT IN HER ROOM!

I thought that when it was talking about her love of nuclear physics that she read about it a lot, not actually, uh, PERFORMED EXPERIMENTS with it...!

That's certainly more impressive, and also highly dangerous!!! >.<

Hmm, her sheets are the sky from around John's house.

AND OH MY GOSH SHE HAS GUNS WHAT THE HELL.

GIVING A THIRTEEN YEAR OLD GUNS IS A VERY VERY BAD IDEA MISTER HARLEY

THAT IS WHAT A BAD THING

IS THAT EVEN LEGAL

She must have a gunkind strife specibus, then?

At least she doesn't shoot anything with them. u_u

She seems to admire her 'WORLD RENOWNED EXPLORER-NATURALIST-TREASURE HUNTER-ARCHEOLOGIST-SCIENTIST-ADVENTURER-BIG GAME HUNTER-BILLIONAIRE EXTRAORDINAIRE' billionaire playboy philanthropist grandpa greatly, though I'm not sure the things he teaches her are quite safe!

His 'intensity and charisma' sound somewhat sinister, too...

Among the errands you have planned is to venture out to find your pet and best friend named BECQUEREL. This animal must be fed and he will not be happy if he is not. And if he is not happy then you will not be happy.

'Bec' is short for 'Becquerel'? As in Henri Becquerel, the French physicist that discovered radiation in the 19th century?

And also the SI unit of radioactivity - 1 decay per second?

That name does not bode well, if Dave is right about it being a 'devilbeast'. And the 'if he is not happy then you are not happy' part sounds very threatening. I hope it's not some horrifying radioactive mutant thing.

Ah, riflekind, not just gunkind.

Presumably this leaves her unable to access pistols and revolvers and muskets and machine guns?

...

So her shirt changes because this wardrobe periodically changes her shirt magically?

What a sensible and intuitive explanation!

I wonder why I didn't get it myself. >.<

10 designs, hmm!

I like the leaf, personally. u_u

what

We, uh, captchalogue these.

Hmm, the SYMBOL seems to be present in this panel, concerning fauna.

...

...

It's a head.

Seriously how did I not get that

I am so stupid.

Maybe it's the devilbeast's head?

Anywhere, there's some narration thing. About being an anthromorphic wolf?

You eat a weird bug and don't even care.

Yes.

This is amazing.

This incredibly silly!

And also kind of disturbing.

Who wants to have a toy to vaccinate? e_e

I used to do that with all my soft toys too! Except my pile would be so much bigger than that because I had so many. SO MANY.

I still have them, you know. u_u

Also, those squid things are really disturbing.

NO THIS IS WRONG PEOPLE.

YOU DO NOT CHOOSE THE ANTI-ALIASED ONES.

ANTI-ALIASING IS BAD.

I suppose they do fit... I mean, if Jade *is* the Seer of Light (which she probably is, maybe?) a sun would fit, and the atom fits with her love of nuclear physics... But they are ugly. u_u

THE LEAF IS THE BEST.

Oh well.

This volcano is, uh, very threatening.

A rather imposing VOLCANO looms over your house, which has been inactive for centuries.

The volcano is confirmed to blow up, too.

If it *is* the same volcano as in the Vagabond's drawings (which it is, obviously), then it must have been transported to the Medium when she entered. Or rather it will be. Will have been. Yes.

Interestingly, it was drawn erupting by him...

You have chalked it up to your family's longstanding propensity for eclectic fursuits wait you mean pursuits.

...

Look at Jade's face.

She's adorable.

And furssuitless.

Okay then.

And the chest was once 'an ORACLE'S TRUNK'. I SEE a pattern here.

So there's a crystal ball, and a... tarot deck?

Also a picture of what is probably her grandfather.

He has such a beautiful moustache. His teeth and glasses (?) look oddly like John's...

WHAT IF TIME TRAVEL AND JOHN IS HER GRANDFATHER

DOES NOT FIT WITH ANY OTHER THEORIES BUT OH WELL

Maybe they're related?!

And, uh, a very ominous THING in the background. With a familiar head.

That must be Becquerel.

Holy crap that thing looks menacing.

A magical 8-ball, cue ball and a copy of Problem Sooth (AHAHAHAHAHA) are here too.

And her lunch box, which houses her computer!

There is a silly looking pair of cooking apparatus too.

These things are stupid and useless! 

When the MAGIC 8 BALL isn't being frustratingly ambiguous, its forecast is always wrong! You have tested it numerous times with certain facts you know to be true. This is its reply when you ask if it is your friend John's birthday today. See? Stupid! 

Hmm...

What if it is right, though?

Being sent on a magical sburban meteor does not constitute birth, which usually requires, uh, parents.

So maybe that's it?!

This is a magical cueball with no portal, according to the text.

Hmm, would it fail yp work if she carved out a bit and replaced it with glass? o_O

Now our inventory is filled with useless stuff! This will never be a problem  ever, nope.

Then we have a non-interactive (!) minigame. We are very bad at it.

But JADE KNOWS EVERYTHING.

And makes some of the most adorable faces I've ever seen. Tumblr doesn't want to let me upload the .gif, so go back and look at them yourself. LOOK AT HER SHAKE HER HEAD ADORABLY EVERYONE.

What have we done

...

IT JOSTLES.

AND JIGGLES.

WHY.

Congratulations, you advance your matching skill to the new level: YUKON HERO: LEGACY OF THE FROSTBITE AMPUTEE. 

Jade is beginning to regret breaking the fourth wall for this ill advised escapade.

Hee hee!

This is so silly. >.<

She just walk away, ha!

We are so bad at this. u_u

Hmm, I'm only thinking about this now, but Jade is nothing like I expected her to be.

At all, really.

Huh.

WE HAVE DONE A VERY BAD THING.

You just deploy the gadgets yourself.

Th- 

That works too. u_u

OH GOSH I JUST REALISED SHE HAS THREE LASHES ON ONE EYE AND TWO ON THE OTHER AND IT REALLY BUGS ME

Argh.

That looked excessively painful.

YOU MONSTER.

Hmm, I wonder if the refrigerator stores items in a similar way to sylladices, by TRANSPORTING THEM TO ALTERNATE DIMENSIONS?Which are... really cold?

Yes.

So Becquerel only eats steak. Is he the protagonist of Madagascar or something?!

And he likes it well cooked. Okay then.

Uh...

IRRADIATED?

I shouldn't be surprised, since his name is RADIOACTIVE and that he's a devilbeast, but this OUTRIGHT CONFIRMS that there's something VERY STRANGE with him.

HOLY CRAP. It's green.

THAT IS NOT HOW RADIATION WORKS.

You wouldn't want all those nice depleted steak isotopes to settle down.

...

...

...

This ellipses signify my DISAPPROVAL towards you, Stephen.

THAT IS NOT HOW SCIENCE WORKS.

THAT IS NOT HOW ANYTHING WORKS.

We're seriously getting into 'Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs'-level science here. >.<

THIS HAS IRRITATED ME SO MUCH THAT I SHALL NOW QUIT LIVEBLOGGING FOR EVER.

(And totally not because I've done more than 50 pages and spent over three hours on this and need to get dressed and have breakfast or anything.)

[thehedgewhoisactuallyahuman-blog]

Act 3 Scene 1: Letters and stuff.

After a couple days of doing nothing because of issues with the internet, I'm *finally* starting Act 3. o_O Seriously, it's been about a week since I finished Act 2, and only *now* do I start Act 3. >.< Hopefully I'll pick up speed again after this update. u_u

Wait, a letter to John?

What?

You are no doubt reading this as a handsome and strapping young man! Why, the mangrit needed to lift the book is itself a sign of your maturity, not even to speak of the wisdom needed to grasp the nuance of Sassacre's time-tested mischief. I am so proud of you, grandson! 

How I wish I could have delivered this heirloom to you in the flesh. But I am afraid it wasn't in the cards! For you see, John, like you, this book must yet take a journey! Its journey will end on the Final Day of my life, and even then will continue some. Though I suppose that will be up to your Father. Perhaps he will discuss it with you one day, when he and you are ready. 

But it is your journey I am writing about to wish you luck! There will come a day when you will be thrust into another world. And once you arrive, that is only the beginning! You will soon delve even deeper into a realm of Warring Royalty in a Timeless Expanse. A realm of Agents and Exiles and Consorts and Kernelsprites. Of toiling Underlings and slumbering Denizens. A realm where four will gather, the Heir of Breath and Seer of Light, the Knight of Time and Witch of Space, and together they will Ascend. 

John, if only you knew how important you were! I regret my passing came so early in your life. And yet I feel in my heart we have already met. But what I know for sure is that we will meet again! 

Until then, John, I do hope your Father keeps you well fed

WHAT WHAT WHAT GRANDSON

What

Is Nanna Jade or something

Is this how it works?!!

Is is is what

?

PRECOGNITION ABLABLABLA

WHY

???

Yes.

Let's get this straight, before I even begin to examine the letter's contents.

This message was written by Nanna, to John. Nanna died the same time John arrived on his magical mystery meteor of flaming wrath or whatever.

Naturally, to write this letter, Nanna must either have had remarkable prognostic skills, like, uh, another fairly mysterious character. Perhaps Nanna and Jade derive these skills from the same source? (The arms?!1) 

On the other hand, this may have something to do with extensive TIME TRAVEL or something absurd like that. The quote 'For you see, John, like you, this book must yet take a journey! Its journey will end on the Final Day of my life, and even then will continue some,' supports this - the 'Final Day' bit might even imply that it came on the meteor too through some elaborate shenanigans? Maybe it's even the same book as the other Sassacre book? Nannasprite could have written it - which makes sense, given that a non-precognitive Nanna could have no knowledge of John, and the fact that the Medium exists in a plane of time independent of that of rest of the universe. Blargh I have no idea.

But why would she write it, pretending she was normal-Nanna, if she were Nannasprite? That doesn't make much sense. >:/

I suppose my theory that Nanna, Mom, Bro and Grandpa played Sburb and then were reborn as mentors might be right, or something? :|

... That would solve a lot.

Anyway, ON TO THE TEXT!

Most of the first two paragraphs are fairly explanatory (though I can't help wondering whether the part about his Father discussing it with him may be foreshadowing about his room's contents!) 

BUT THEN SUDDENLY, FROM OUT OF NOWHERE WHATSOEVER 

Comes...

A realm of Agents and Exiles and Consorts and Kernelsprites. Of toiling Underlings and slumbering Denizens. 

NEW TERMINOLOGY!

Are we going to have spies.

Yes we are.

THE NAME'S EGBERT.

...

JOHN EGBERT.

If Nanna is talking about any other kind of Agent I shall be haertily disappointed. u_u 

I don't *care* if John is the least stealthy thing since the extinction of the Deinotherium. He is still a spy. 

But in all honesty, these 'agents' are probably more like in-game benefactors of some sort, calibrating and co-ordinating all sorts of things so the players can do things more efficiently?

'Exiles' probably refer to the Vagabond, the Mendicant, and any other prospective rag-clad figures.

But, uh, Consorts? 

Are those some sort of companions to the players distinct to the Sprites (and Agents?!) Or maybe they're a group of people playing music. YOU JUST DON'T KNOW. But they seem to be thematically linked with agents, sprites and exiles under the tentative category of 'vaguely helpful'.

Then there are the seemingly linked pair of ' toiling Underlings and slumbering Denizens'. The phrasing -and the naming- suggests that these underlings might be in servitude to either these 'Denizens' or the Players. Perhaps they are faceless mooks of some sort? These slumbering Denizens sound vaguely threatening - it always makes me think of grizzly bears in caves or trees like in that Berenstain Bears book, for some reason! >:/

AND THEN WE GET ACTUAL PROPER NON-ALLUSIVE CONFIRMATION THAT THEY ARE ALL FATED TO PLAY SBURB.

Yes.

I MEAN SERIOUSLY FOUR TITLES AND EVERYTHING

There was hinting before, but this is goddamn excessive

I'll try to sort these out! >.<

By which I mean affix them to specific people AND identify what on Skaia they mean.

The titles seem to be some indication of what the characters might do, whilst also fitting in with the whole 'video game' theme - they seem remarkably similar to classes like 'Rogue' and 'Mage' and 'Druid' or something, which are common features of many games. The second word refers to an abstract element of some sort. Maybe the have MAGIC POWERS or something. That would be cool. And they're all monosyllabic, which may be an intentional thing to make them 'flow' better, or could be entirely coincidental.

And they seem to be slightly PUNNY too - 'Breath of Heir'? 'Time of Knight'? This is very silly. OH AND 'SPACE OF WITCH'! IT'S SUCH A CLEVER PLAY ON A COMMON IDIOM AHAHAHAHA

It also raises the possibility that other players playing could be feasible, each having their own COMBINATION of element and role. 

The 'jobs', as I'll call them in reference to early FFs, seem to be gendered in a way - 'Heir' is the closest you can get to a 'masculine' word in English: a girl would of course be an heiress. This means that Dave or John would be the 'Heir of Breath', and John seems more likely to be the Heir, probably, given that the text itself calls this book, which John receives, an heirloom. And also it's the one Nanna mentions first, and John is the first character introduced.

'Heir', in any case, is a rather odd job/class/role/thing, hmm! It doesn't really fit with the idea of video game characters being the gung-ho action heroes they usually are, and it does not really have any connotations of combat either. An 'heir' means 'someone who inherits', which could theoretically be a highly passive support role, if we extend the video game metaphor. A character who only receives, who has things happen to him. Hmm, are those roles meant to challenge the players, or suit them, or what? Also, it could be a character who starts off as some under-trained, powerless nobody, who eventually inherits abilities from others and becomes a TRUE HERO.

'Knight' sounds like a far more traditional role for a video game character! It calls up images of the classic warrior, with a sword and shield, battling against hordes of goblins imps. Interestingly, that archetype could be seen as a converse to the 'heir' archetype - a knight would use his own power to fight to help others, while an heir would receive the powers to his own benefit. A knight, while being a more go-getting role than 'heir', would be subservient to an heir - especially an heir to the throne. Perhaps, if this is Dave, this could show how Dave ultimately acts to please John, trying to impress him with RAPS and things.

The 'seer' role sounds interesting. Following on with the pattern I created earlier, this 'seer' might use visions of the future (JADE JADE JADE JADE) to advise and inform others of tactics - potential somebody who uses the power of others - well, knowledge of others - to benefit other people? This power is usually derived from gods, either by being endowed with their power, or by communicating with them. I'm pretty sure Jade is the 'seer'. I mean, the placing throws you off, but Jade's seeriness so far is exponentially higher than Rose's, which I am sorry to say is down in logarithmic levels. Not that that makes any sense! Unless the roles CHALLENGE the players or something. Really, there are a lot of ways to interpret these things and I probably need to finish this page before I go to bed or something, and maybe even GO ONTO THE NEXT ONE OH BOY

Finally, we have our 'witch'. A witch is a traditionally female fantasy role, who dabbles in DARK ARTS and other ELDIRTCH things. Like nobody in particular who is a girl and owns a grimoire and lives in a house filled with wizards and is morally ambiguous because we know nobody like that, sadly. A witch's power is usually innate - not just ANYONE can become one, the filthy muggles. This would make a witch have self-derived powers. What a witch (a traditionally malevolent person, I might add) does is usually to the benefit of herself and the misfortune of others. They also weigh less than ducks Anyway, this would make a NICE NEAT TABLE which looks like this but prettier:

I am very sorry.

Interestingly, this makes the two girls and the two boys opposite! Furthermore, the other-self things could be represented by pesterchum names, presuming John is GT: starting with the 'uses' part, and with 'G' symbolising 'others' and 'T' self, all of the kids fit the pattern.

Is this right?!1

I'm kind of running out of time here, so let's get on with these 'elements' quickly! 

'Breath' relates to many things! It is associated with the classical element of 'air', I suppose, fitting with John's previously shown themes. Additionally, it is associated with 'life' - without living organisms, there is no respiration and thus no breath. Perhaps his title, 'Heir of Breath' - one who inherits the power of life - is linked to his job of creating new life? 

'Time' could be heavily associated with death, in opposition to breath's life. As time progresses, entropy increases, and things cease to be. Perhaps if 'breath' represents the first inhale, peak enthalpy, 'time' is death, the last exhale, peak entropy. Dave has veritable troves of dead things in his house, even killing a bird with his sword, further supporting this 'Knight of Time' or the more ominous 'Warrior of Death' hypothesis. Perhaps the Medium being a 'timeless expanse' refers to how its purpose is to create life, not end it?

'Space' could also be associated with time - as a complement, perhaps, instead of an opposite. Spacetime, after all, is not composed of two opposites, but two complementary aspects. Perhaps it is associated with physical space - changing sizes, etc. - as opposed to TIME TRAVEL. Also, perhaps it refers to outer space, with objects such as stars, planets, black holes, comets, and most importantly the nearly empty void. 

In this way Light could be seen as an opposite to space (and a complement to Breath?). It could represent positivity and brightness, as opposed to the dark emptiness of space. Also, it's associated with knowledges in many idioms - to be enlightened, and more specifically, to see the light. Perhaps this could refer to how Jade will see the error of her potentially villainous ways, or perhaps it explains how she has knowledge of future (as a seer/oracle/mystic) 

There might be some way in which Breath and Space; and Time and Light relate, but I'm  now sure how. Perhaps, if we use mathematics as some sort of analogy, taking Breath as x, Time would be -x, the opposite, Light would be 1/x, the complement - multiplying them would give you 1, wholeness, and Space would be -1/x, which is the gradient of the line perpendicular to breath.

Actually that was a really crappy analogy.

Sorry.

Since this took me so long, I can't really do anything more; I need to get to bed now as I have SPORTS DAY tomorrow (insert chorus of groans and sobbing here) which means the sleeping will reduce my chances of dying to a healthy 0.5.

I will actually get in to Act 3 tomorrow, I promise! >.<

[thehedgewhoisactuallyahuman-blog]

Summary/Recap/Thoughtblargh Thing wow

So, uh, I've finished the first 2 acts of Homestuck! And it only took about a month. So maybe (since there are apparently 6 acts) the figure of HAVING 6000 MILLION PAGES may have been a hyperbole and I'm roughly a third of the way through, making me only (HAHAHAHAHAHA) have about 1500 pages left? Unless the next few acts are REALLY LONG, which I kind of doubt; Act 2 (in terms of pages; I don't know about words) was the size of a book, and larger than most webcomics... But at any rate having 1500 pages to go is by no means, uh, nothing, especially as the plot seems to be picking up.

Act 1 began by meeting the as-of-yet unnamed protagonist who obviously was John. It also introduced Rose, and the unnamed Dave was also seen. Jade was also involved in one (fairly short) pesterlog. It included little in the way of plot: it can, I suppose, be basically summarised as 'John messes about in his room and then narrowly escapes death'. Sburb was introduced, the four heroes were introduced, Dad was introduced, and many puns and jokes were made (especially those involving sylladices!). However, it felt like more of an introduction, a tutorial, a demo, than an actual major part of the story (which is to be expected by an introduction, of course!). I would still say it's vital, though: it sets up 3 of our protagonists with distinctive personalities, introduces many mechanics and themes to the story, such as apocalypses and video game stuff and all of that stuff. 

Act 2, on the other hand (You can choose whether it's left or right. u_u), is an entirely different beast. In this act, things have hapened. 

Right at the beginning, we meet the mysterious WAYWARD VAGABOND.  He doesn't really do much except ENDEARINGLY DISCOVER a Sburb logo. But he does open a NEW DOOR into MEDIUM COSMOLOGY YAY 

We also get to find out a bit about the true nature of Sburb by talking to Nannasprite and meet Bro and Mom and fight imps and ogres and things like that, as well as further exploring game mechanics such as alchemy and expanding on relationships and stuff! 

In essence, MORE THINGS HAPEN. 

(I would have written more here, but I hd to cajole a very uncooperative 4-year old boy into bed. u_u)

Naturally, after this comes Act 3. (And then Acts 4-6. And maybe 7, if it is started by the time I get to the end.) So I guess it is time for me to ~SPECULATE~ on what will happen. 

Following along with the cycle, it is safe to assume Rose will manage to get into the Medium and begin playing Sburb. Presumably, she'll prototype Jaspers and the Princess, continuing the DOLL AND DEAD THING pattern Nannasprite has. I suppose it'll be granted the ability to talk, and everything will be good. 

Another fairly safe assumption is that we'll get a PROPER INTRODUCTION to Jade. We have only seen but the smallest of glimpses of her, and I expect we'll see her, and go over her view of the day so far, and explore the almost certainly perverse relationship between her and her Grandfather. Perhaps we shall be hinted at why she knows EVERYTHING (I think it might be to do with the arms?!) and learn of her true morality.

We'll probably also see more of our favourite Vagabond, and what is either his rival or friend the Mendicant. (I wonder if Rose's cruxite artifact will be a can; the Mendicant was walking towards an apple that dropped from a very recognisable tree...) Perhaps we'll meet two more of these chess pieces, from Dave's and Jade's houses? It'll be interesting to see what they're like.

There's a strong possibility that John will manage to reach Gate 1, too. He seems to be getting closer to it, and I suppose it will be interesting to see what it leads to. Perhaps it will send a signal causing EVEN BIGGER MONSTERS to be summoned and make everyone sad, or maybe it will teleport him - perhaps to the oily place that the Vagabond was drawing which the house is presumably situated on? Perhaps we'll finally retrieve Jade's present (Another bunny? o_O) and the Sburb server disc. 

Also, maybe we'll learn more about who the villains of the comic really are. The already-revealed DARK KINGDOM seems possible, but kind of... boring. I, personally, am intrigued by Rose's offhand comments about 'hacker's - an astute fear when playing a video game that has the potential to do INCREDIBLE THINGS. Maybe we'll see more of them. Also, Jade seems untrustworthy. I don't know why, but I'm pretty sure she's EVIL. Maybe Bro and Lil' Cal will be doing bad things too: they are just terrible. And of course John's nemesis Betty Crocker is totally the canonical bad guy yes this is not stupid or anything no the cake lady is a villain oh yes oh yes :V

Now for some character analysis/speculation.

John Egbert, the first character to be introduced, is Homestuck's main character. This is a totally new thing that I've come up with, and nobody else has ever come up with this theory before. It's GROUNDBREAKING, and I'm sure your minds have all imploded at this revelation. In terms of character, he seems naive and trusting, in stark contrast to Rose and Dave. He's a friendly, slightly dorky boy with bad taste in films who I expect a large part of the audience can empathise with. However, he obviously has some heroic destiny to fulfil; he was sent to Earth by a meteor, which we have been shown to come from Skaia itself. He seems to be, in some very real way, destined to play this game, and create new life. (Even his username - ectoBiologist - foreshadow his role in bringing life back!) I'd imagine a large part of his character development will concern his relationships with other characters, as well as asserting himself as a leader. The title itself, Homestuck, may represent how he's limited - coddled - by his friends, his father, domesticity itself. John is taken care of by his father, and when he goes missing is completely reliant on Rose. Eventually, he'll fulfil his true potential and become a mature hero - he's playing this game on the cusp of puberty for a reason. John Egbert is destined for greatness, ladies and gentlemen.

The next character is Rose Lalonde, the (pseudo-?)intellectual snark queen and lover of psychology. A major part of her personality is her fear of being judged by others, it seems. Her mother is an alcoholic, and seems to be fairly neglectful. However, Rose, in her paranoia, seems to misinterpret honest gestures by her as malicious mind games, and defensively attempts to make herself look better educated and smarter and wittier than anybody else, rather successfully! A large part of her character development will be overcoming this fear that her friends will judge her, and actually trust them - not ironically but with actual sincerity, which she is to afraid to do right now. Hopefully she'll reconcile with her mother, too? In any case, I can't see this necessarily being an easy process; realising your personality is in essence a shield is not easy, and I can see her becoming horribly depressed when she consciously realises this fact - one can only hope a predisposition towards alcoholism in Lalondes can be avoided. Times ahead are dark for young Ms. Lalonde, but I'm sure she'll overcome her troubles, too.

Dave, like Rose, is insincere and insecure. However, while Rose's insecurity is borne of perhaps unwarranted resentment towards her perhaps neglectful mother, Dave's is borne of adoration towards his abusive brother, who doesn't really seem that worthy of it. Dave idolises Bro - he sees his shenanigans as the ultimate form of humorous irony, and strives to meet up to his expectations. He doesn't quite reach his Bro's levels of 'irony', though, and feels like he has to show his friends what a COOLKID he is. He seems needy for attention, pestering John with his (admittedly very amusing) raps even when he ignores him. This is definitely because Dave has a massive crush on him. In any case, he seems to have a particularly good rapport with Jade, who is the only person who seems to actually like his irony, and appears to look up to him. Character development for Dave could include rejecting his brother and establishing himself as his own person - perhaps painfully; a broken idol is a hard thing to deal with.

The last of the four kids is the mysterious Jade Harley. We know very little about Jade - she knows things she cannot, and seems to be very cutesy and adorable. Her guardian is her grandfather - but she has 'Bec', too, which Dave calls a 'devilbeast', somewhat ominously. The little we knows about her grandfather is that he's very 'intense' - something that doesn't bode well, given our deteriorating experiences with guardians. I am inclined to be suspicious of her motivations; while she seems to be friendly, I could easily see her as putting on some act to trick the previous three protagonists. She is very isolated, living in the middle of the Pacific, on an UNCHARTED LOCATION, which has VOLCANOES and a weird frog place. Really, there's not much we know about her, except that she knows too much - perhaps she is in control of the arms, 'sensing' the past and the future? Character development for her could include her being allied with these unseen hackers, or even being the hacker. Alternatively, she could be even more lost and afraid than Rose and Dave; being extremely isolated from civilisation and being watched over by a malevolent grandfather and his horrific hell-beast.

Dad is the silent, unfailingly loving, father of John. He seems to be the most unambiguously good of the guardians, providing John with endless support instead of, well, neglect and puppets. The notes he leaves everywhere could imply some sort of communication problem between the two of them, represented by his muteness and featurelessness. I don't see much of a future for him, sadly - he is bound to die eventually, and I fear John won't see his benevolent protector again, especially since he's been taken to the Dark Kingdom. He'll probably get there JUST TOO late and all of my water water be expelled through my eyes, and I'll be left sobbing on the floor. :( We'll probably find out what's in his room just after that, too, and there will be a Final Note and the feeling part of my brain will overload. Or maybe just the room of a normal father who did his best for his son. u_u

Mom is much more morally ambiguous than Dad, being a neglectful, somewhat delusional alcoholic. I'm not quite sure how to judge her - is she a cynical mindgame enthusiast, or a good person who was claimed by alcohol and is incapable of expressing her love for Rose? I lean toward the latter, personally, but it's still ambiguous. Their relationship is rockier than Dad's and John's, certainly, but I see a much higher chance of Mom surviving because of this.

Bro is Dave's guardian, and the final character I'll be talking about. He's also an incredibly messed-up bastard. I mean, puppet smut and Lil' Cal and creepy muppet comics. I MEAN SERIOUSLY WHAT THE HELL. He seems to only have 'ironic' affection for his younger brother, and really isn't a very good influence on poor Dave. He's extremely creepy and violent and scary and I want him to just GO AWAY. I wouldn't be that upset if he died, really. (Though I would feel very sorry to the younger Strider, the poor guy.) 

So, uh, yes. You probably haven't read this far, but good for you if you have managed to get through these walls of text.

I'll be starting on Act 3 tomorrow; I don't have enough time today. In any case, I'm really looking forward to it! ^^

[thehedgewhoisactuallyahuman-blog]

http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=002657

^That's a link there to the flash, so that you may WATCH IT WITH ME or something terribly exciting like that!

Have fun with it I suppose. u_u

(I'll post a transcript later!)

[thehedgewhoisactuallyahuman-blog]

Actually I won't be doing that YET.

Uh, you know how I kind of promised that I would be talking about [S] WV: Ascend today? 

Well, uh, another idea has been proposed to me! ^^

This idea is AUDIO REACTS, which sound extremely intriguing! But, err, I still don't know exactly how they work or what kind of set-up I would need to produce these and I'm waiting for news on that, meaning that I've pushed all of this back a day. 

Hopefully, if this venture is fruitful, and by fruitful I mean functionally erupting with cornucopias of fresh gooseberries and melons and apples and whatnot, then this could potentially make reacting to longer flashes far more convenient (apparently there's one that 13 minute's long, according to the ask in which this was suggested - imagine the screenshots I'd need to take of that!), produce a better representation of what goes through my mind, and even maybe be more entertaining than slogging through sloughs of gobbledegook! o_O

Or maybe it would take ages and be awkward and just be generally be terrible. >.<'

BUT YES, THIS IS AN EXCITING PROSPECT!

So, uh, tell me what you think about this or something. u_u

(And sorry for the delay.)

[thehedgewhoisactuallyahuman-blog]

The Blog Returns!

I RETURN or something like that!

Yes, I have been given my computer back a day early, since the exams tomorrow are only Chemistry and Physics and those are fairly easy.

SO HUZZAH. 

ON WITH THE LIVEBLOGGING! ^^'

And here we have WV again, performing MAYORAL SHENANIGANS or something like that.

Oh, the coordinates have changed! 

But we cannot see the longitude. u_u How depressing.

Where are we APPEARIFY-ing things from now?

WE MUST KNOW.

I mean, it's here, obviously, according to the narration, but WHERE IS HERE?

If it's at John's house I will not be surprised at all.

... 

NO.

HUSSIE. WHY DO YOU DO THIS.

Would it really be so hard to shift our view a couple centimetres to the left?

You are a cruel, cruel, person.

It should be easy to zero in on a location relative to the center because you have an uncanny knack for tracking precise distances you have already traversed, in whatever units you choose.

I suppose this talent must have been very helpful when wandering the Earth? Hmm. I wonder if all of his species have this ability, or just him?

I certainly do not have this ability. >.<

ANYWAY, presumably now we shall have pages of sylladex appearifier shenanigans, including NEW FORMS of appearification and APPEARIFY-ing as a weapon and other wonderful variations on the theme!

Wow. We've done something!

Now we can create the LEGENDARY SPEAR OF MEASURING, which we shall use to slay all manner of foul beasts!

Such as...

Uh...

Stuff.

I'm pretty sure everything's dead. 

Why are we doing this.

This is pointless.

But it's the Vagabond.

So that's okay.

I mean, it's not like we could potentially be killed by a meteor because of a few lost seconds or something.

That would be ridiculous.

Hmm, we've got the kings and queens, a black bishop, three white pawns, two black pawns and the amber.

Perhaps the fact that there is one less black pawn than there are white pawns represents how he was exiled from the dark kingdom?

But what about the Mendicant, to whom we were introduced last time?

Perhaps he's the Vagabond's darker side in a way (EVEN THOUGH HE'S A WHITE CHESS PIECE OH GOSH), and was exiled from the Light Kingdom for Being A Bad Person?

That is certainly possible.

Perhaps he's a bishop, too, given the lack of a White Bishop?

Honestly, the idea that an APPEARIFIER could both APPEARIFY and DEAPPEARIFY things is so laughably ridiculous, you would wish someone would DEAPPEARIFY your brain and REAPPEARIFY it with a brain that is more smart and less dumb.

No, Vagabond.

Shh. Shh. Shhhhhh.

Don't worry.

We're here. You're a good person. Everyone loves you. Except maybe John, but that's because you drove him half-insane. But even he like you a little bit. You're not dumb. You're an adorable little chess piece who makes friends with cans.

And that's wonderful.

And... he's still in the way of the coordinates.

Bother.

I really want to know where this place is! >.<

Anyway, to APPEARIFY things from the Medium, we need A KEY.

Shaped like a spirograph.

It's interesting how a GATE can unlock something! Perhaps it represents ... something.

How our heroes need to use the way they are TRAPPED (by their guardians, IE gates) to become free? And DEVELOP?

This is not at all contrived.

This is absolutely adorable. Look, the Dave beetle lands on his raggy, tattered hood.

NEW FAVOURITE CHARACTER.

Aww.

They are best friends. u_u

Why hello there, Davebeetle. 

This is your new, whimsical name. 

Even though you are a girl.

It is still Davebeetle, since you are from Dave's amber.

IS THERE ROMANCE IN THE AIR (or just sand?)?

Davebeetle and the Vagabond are the best couple ever. Dave's beetle and John's mind-controller.

Apparently the beetle's name is not Davebeetle.

HOW AWFULLY DEPRESSING. 

Tears are pouring feverishly from my eyes. I'm not sure whether tears can do that. But they are.

And, uh, I'm pretty sure most (if not all) insects display sexual dimorphism. SO YES SHE CAN BE YOUR MAYOR-WIFE, Vagabond.

u_u

We're appearify-ing this?

But, uh, didn't we eat this?

Oh dear. We're going to create a TIME PARADOX and everything will die.

Which is not many people, really. 

Or more probably we just CAN'T DO IT, in the way time paradoxes presumably work in the real world unless follow MWI instead of the standard Copenhagen one nothing.

But given that we already have a world independent from the rest of time (though it still has time- causality doesn't seem to have been affected [and it also seems to run in some sort of parallel with the real world, given that John can pester the rest in a temporally logical way!]), time paradoxes CAUSING BAD THINGS don't seem too far-fetched for Homestuck.

Or, uh, it turns into a gelatinous mess.

That works equally well, I suppose?

(It's a bit less satisfying, though.)

AND ARGH WE STILL DON'T KNOW THE LONGITUDE

According to my proficiency in Morse code an online translator, SERENITY appears to be saying "LET'S GO!!!", with the apostrophe being added for GRAMMATICAL CORRECTNESS.

So yes! Let's do stuff! In canon with John fighting the Crude Ogres and Dave fighting his Bro and Rose trying very hard NOT TO DIE!

TALLY-HO!

Excellent.

I am now stroking an entirely imaginary cat, and cackling maniacally for some reason.

The next page is a flash.

I have my MS Paint tabs ready. I have a PENCIL, to record my thoughts.

LET'S DO THIS!

Hmm, the music seems remarkably similar to the Sburban ones! Perhaps this is a CONFIRMATION of incoming meteors.

AND THE TIMER APPEARS.

LET'S GO!

And mess about with cans and the pumpkin with an arrow on it.

Okay then?

I agree, Serenity.

You're remarkably LUCID, aren't you?

(It's funny because 'lucid' is derived from the Latin World for light, which is 'lux' or something, and also means 'aware', and Serenity's a firefly, and produces light. ISN'T IT HILARIOUS?)

But we are on the ladder! Freedom is within our reach! Though, uh, won't a meteor still kill us if we're outside?

But, uh, the music is slowing down. And there doesn't seem to be a meteor?

Oh.

Oh dear.

Well.

How anticlimactic. 

WAS THE TIMER A HOAX?

Everything is pointless now.

EXCEPT

EXCEEEEEEEEPT

Do you know who found the coordinates?

DO YOU KNOW WHO FOUND THE COORDINATES?

Uh, me.

LOOK:

To Google Maps!

Well that was quick.

It's a place in New York, RIGHT ON a waterfall.

DO YOU KNOW WHO LIVES ON A WATERFALL?

...

It's Rose, guys.

Are we at Rose's house, then?

THis is legitimately unexpected!

Rose's house appears to be situated in a real location AND the Vagabond is here too! Perhaps there are similar stations where Jade, Dave, and John live too? Which would suggest that Sburb *has* chosen them specifically, or something. Or even sent them on meteors, if the article is to be taken at face value!

BUT WAIT.

AN UNPSYCHE.

OH YES.

IT IS TIME.

I have ten Paint windows open.

I. Am. READY.

Oh crap.

THERE IS TOO MUCH STUFF AND NOT ENOUGH TIME AND NOT ENOUGH PAINT WINDOWS AND APPARENTLY THIS IS THE END OF ACT TWO AND THERE IS SAND AND THE DARK KINGDOM AND I THINK THIS CONSTITUTES AN ENTIRE BLOG POST TO ITSELF REALLY

NOT. READY.

It's so long. e_e

If they continue to get longer, as they do, these QUICK COPY AND PASTE THIS ANBD THEN RIGHT THIS could rapidly become really infeasible.

Bother.

But yes, TOMORROW, and if I don't manage to sort through all this stuff and talk about it all by tomorrow, I shall become an ostrich.

[thehedgewhoisactuallyahuman-blog]

A HIATUS THING

Uh, I'm really sorry, but I won't be able to make any updates at all during the upcoming week, given that I have examinations and that my parents have CONFISCATED my computer so that I may focus on them. But there shall be an extra long one when I get back, to make it up to you.

[thehedgewhoisactuallyahuman-blog]

Further Adventures of the Vagabond

Well, even MORE dramatic things are happening right now!

Not content with making both John and Dave participate and boss fights, hemi-demi-semi-introducing Jade, and potentially cooking Rose, we now have everyone's favourite Vagabond at the mercy of a THREATENING COUNTDOWN.

At least it's 4 HOURS and 13 minutes.

4 hours is practically a year in Homestuck.

Yes, we're 700 pages in, and it is the same day. I wonder if it will all be contained within one day? That would be interesting, and make 4/13 a VERY IMPORTANT day, too. I wonder (if my theory is right?) if the Parents And/Or Guardians played Sburb on a 4/13 too, maybe?

ALSO LOOK AT THAT KEYBOARD IT HAS A '4', A '1' AND A '3'!

Oh gosh, this is absolutely adorable.

BUT THIS IS KIND OF TIME-CRITICAL, TOO.

SO LET'S BE A MAYOR and then save enough time to not die?

That would be a good idea.

And canned radishes? 

Really?

I have to admit that I would very much like a plane that was ACTUALLY A CAN FULL OF ARTICHOKES. 

Simply superior to everything else.

I'm glad his spirit wasn't crushed by a group of villainous chess pieces or anything. A Vagabond with a CRUSHED SPIRIT would be incredibly depressing.

He'd be just sitting there, listless.

'Look, cans!'

The Vagabond is unresponsive.

'No, you're meant to be do amusing things with them, not slouching.'

The Vagabond slouches a bit more, using up his last iota of rebellion.

'...'

Slowly, his silky, carapaced body begins to turn. His robes fold mesmerisingly, as his stout neck quivers. He turns to face you. His face is obscured by the shadows of his filthy coil. 

A single arm, the one which has been given the mark of the Dark Kingdom, slowly raises. All four stubby digits fully extend, filling you with a terrible sense of dread.

'... Vagabond? Are you okay?'

They twitch, seemingly randomly, all but the second beating an oxymoronic rhythmless tattoo upon an invisible drum.

In a sharp movement, he grabs his hood, which has been parched by the heat of the desert.

He pulls it off.

You stare in horror.

You can think of nothing but running, escaping, freeing yourself from the claustrophobic darkness of this strange room. You need to get out.

Your legs, however, disagree with you. 

They stay perfectly still.

You are locked in some sort of perverse rigor mortis; your body has frozen not after, but directly before, its doom.

For, now freed of the darkness whence it came, is a face. 

And that face was...

AND THAT FACE WAS...

The Vagabond

Rose

Andrew Hussie

Dad

LI'L CAL

SHOCK TWIST HORROR THRILLER DIRECTED BY N. DAY. SHAMYAMHAM

Wait what?

You temporarily dismantle CITY HALL to free up all the canpower available to create a vigilant TOWN MILITIA.

Is this supposed to represent how chess war BREAKS DOWN the democracy and CIVILITY of society?

Because if it does, it's a very well-thought out metaphor.

Or something.

And how that, in war, we do not fight in a manner that is EVIL vs GOOD, really, but CAN AGAINST CAN?

Except in Sburb, I think?

Okay, stop trying to interpet things, me. >.<

It's somewhat sad how he has presumably left all that (what he presumably deemed?) POINTLESS FIGHTING and is now RE-ENACTING, though. .-.

OH YAY A FLASH!

Oh gosh, I love this music.

It's so adorable and catchy. >.<

BUT ALAS, the first poor soldier has fallen to his enemies!

...

It's a black pawn.

Ouch. e.o

Poor Mr Vagabond. u_u

This probably represents how he did something.

LET US ALSO HAVE A CAN PARADE 

PaTRUMPaTRUMPaTRMUPa

I love him.

I have said it before, but it is no less true now. u_u

The hours sure do fly past quickly!

Maybe I was wrong about 'hours being years'. After all, he is YEARS IN THE FUTURE.

Even in a game of NORMAL CHESS, the FORCES OF LIGHT light lose. This is some law of nature in Homestuck, or something. u_u

Note to self: always use black pieces when playing chess.

THAT WAY, I SHALL DEFEAT EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THE GRANDMASTERS AND CLAIM THE THRONE FOR THE HEDGE FAMILY ONCE AGAIN

All because of Homestuck.

Thank you.

And, uh, now we have only 4:13 minutes left. That's 4 hours, 8 minutes, and 47 seconds gone. 

IS 4847 THE NEW ARC NUMBER?

Hint: no.

I get the feeling that there is something IMMENSELY OBVIOUS that we must be doing. There must be something other than these house-shaped monitors to interact with!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa(rgh)

Who's this?

A NEW CHARACTER?

Or maybe the Vagabond has left his computer-place. But that would be incredibly anti-climatic.

No, it turns out I just need to READ THE LINK.

This new person is the Peregrine Mendicant! Which means pretty much the same thing as 'Wayward Vagabond'.

Are we going to meet  the endearing 'TRAVELLING HOBO' next? Or the charming 'MIGRATORY BEGGAR'?

WHO KNOWS.

This one is a WHITE PAWN.

Hopefully they shall meet, and be FRIENDS and reconcile the Kingdoms or something?

Or maybe this one was banished for failing in some sort of MILITARY COUP to overthrow the Good King and Queen? That would create some interesting contrast!

The Vagabond had a Mailbox's Flag, The Mendicant has a trolley-thing filled with Mailboxes.

AND ONE OF THEM HAS A MISSING FLAG.

What's that STAR in the sky?

IS IT A METEOR?

Oh gosh, I hope it's not a meteor.

hint: It is a meteor.

I mean, it's 'celestially ominous'. HOW MUCH MORE DO YOU NEED?

You say a bittersweet goodbye to your beloved city. It is time to move on to greener pastures. By which of course you mean an arid, sandy wasteland upon which nothing green has grown in years.

But...

But...

Can Town... T.T

YOU SHALL BE MISSED

How will John have mental breakdowns now?

This is awful.

Even if it does mean he could potentially survive.

Oh bother!

Getting trapped in a cylinder is never a good thing.

Even if it does have a ladder.

Well,

That ladder is certainly useful right now.

Hmm, so there are more rooms in this complex?

The HOUSE, which we were in, with the computer with which we could view players.

Another must be locked; it said that in the GREEN TEXT, or something.

Is it the much-loved epicycloid, though? Maybe, since it represents gates, which are a way to GET OUT.

This leaves the unknown symbol that seems to comprise of three distorted hexagrams and a triforce?

Maybe that's a puzzle we have to solve to unlock the door to the portal room?

So the EPICYCLOID room is locked, then. I was right! Much jubilation!

Or not, if it *is* the exit. .-.

The floor rotates a full 360 degrees beneath you, while the surrounding wall seems to stay put.

NO IT DOESN'T.

LOOK, HE'S FACING THE OTHER WAY.

180.

Why does nobody understand that 360 degrees leaves you standing the way you began?

I expected better, Andrew.

YOU ARE UNWORTHY.

The floor turns 120 degrees and the door opens.

Oh, wait. Hussie does understand angles.

It just turned a full circle because the door was locked.

JUST IGNORE ME.

CARRY ON.

>.<

I'm such an idiot. >.<

It looks the same.

HOW UTTERLY BORING.

Maybe it's meant to be The Mendicant's room?

Oh, it's SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.

Those appear to be coordinates, there?

And the date and time. But his time? How odd.

I'll enter those coordinates on Google Maps, for PRODUCT PLACEMENT FUN.

Eh?

What have I done?

HAVE I CREATED A PLACE THAT DOESN'T EXIST?

Apparently it's some uncharted island/military base/unimportant thing in the middle of the Pacific?

Okay then?

I wonder if this is where Jade is?

It fits with the general MYSTERIOUSNESS which surrounds her, and the observations I made about the clouds.

MYTH: PLAUSIBLE.

Also on the display is a globe, with some weird spiral centred on Colombia?

Okay then.

And finally, there is what might be a map of the Medium?

The middle is Skaia, then there's the Light Kingdom with its moon, a planet for each hero, with SEVEN GATES leading to Skaia, a ring of some sort (a RING OF DARKNESS?) and then the Dark Kingdom?

We have a MEASURING SPEAR.

This is infinitely superior to John's POGO HAMMER.

And we didn't even need complicated punched cards or totemlathes or ANYTHING.

Or, uh, never mind.

Damn it, Egbert!

You feel so insecure without your TRUSTY KNIFE, it makes you want to slit your wrists.

I *think* this is a Problem Sleuth reference?

Oh gosh, I've completely failed to be observant.

The Vagabond IS EXACTLY LIKE slightly resembles Problem Sleuth! They have vaguely similar statures, don't talk, and are stuck in a room!

...

That's about it.

That would make the Mendicant Pickle Inspector, then?

Is there an Ace Dick somewhere else?

I don't know.

I WONDER IF THEY PLAYED SBURB TO AND WERE RE-RE-INCARNATED.

Actually, it seems rather plausible.

MAYBE.

Except for the fact that MOBSTER KINGPIN would probably be about as helpful as Bro. >.<

Oh gosh.

A Mobster Kingpin chess piece.

That would be stretching things.

But it would make one pawn per hero?

Problem Sleuth is reincarnated as the Vagabond (is that a prize for winning the game two games ago?) and controls JOHN.

Pickle Inspector is reincarnated as the Mendicant and controls Rose, presumably?

Ace Dick is reincarnated as some as-of-yet-unseen bum and controls Dave?!1 (It makes sense because they are both Jeremy.)

And the MOBSTER KINGPIN becomes absolutely terrible and controls Jade, using the POWERS OF DEDUCTION.

So then we have established that Problem Sleuth made the Parents/Guardians who made the Kids?

Yes.

Jailbreak and Problem Sleuth are set in the same universe, so it shouldn't be impossible for Problem Sleuth and Homestuck to be, too.

But being re-incarnated as a chess piece seems like a rubbish prize?

At least he's an IMPORTANT chess piece.

What is that?

A laser?

Why would there be a laser gun there?

This is silly.

What's the point of it being there?

Does it do tricks?

AND SO WE PUSH THE BIG RED  BLUE BUTTON.

Nothing much happens.

On this panel.

I'm sure everything will explode next panel.

So this thing can 'APPEARIFY' a pumpkin, presumably using the coordinates and time on the screen?

And the arrow was pointing towards the globe, so it came from EARTH, not the MEDIUM?

It's pumpkin. THE SAME PUMPKIN as in here:

HOW SUSPICIOUS.

She's going to be all 'What Pumpkin' when it disappears, isn't she? u_u

I CAUGHT YOU AGAIN, FORMULAIC JOKES.

And that are is four hours behind John, too, so the time seems correct?

Why does she live in a mysterious Pacific house?

Has her grandfather kidnapped her?

Is it a portal to ANOTHER DIMENSION?

???? ? ???

There is a symbol carved on the PUMPKIN. You don't know what it means, and you doubt it will ever prove to be relevant in any way.

So this symbol is IMPORTANT and RELEVANT.

How useful. u_u

By Cthylla, what is it, though?

Is it some sort of plug, which two prongs instead on three? And pointing upwards?

Or maybe it's WV's SPOOK SCHEMA?

He turns into a POWER OUTLET OH BOY

BEST SPOOK SCHEMA IN THE WORLD

This obsession with eating green things is really worrying.

You have been arrested for eating a park bench, a combine harvester, and several members of my family. (Luckily,I, due to GENETICS, am actually a human being. Wait. Are you saying I'm adopted? Oh dear. LIES AND LIES AND FALSEHOODS.)

I wonder what causes this strange desire.

HMM.

Probably a TRAUMATIC EVENT in his past.

Those cause everything.

[thehedgewhoisactuallyahuman-blog]

The District of Canopolis.

So right now:

Both Dave and John are in the middle of INCREDIBLY DRAMATIC and POTENTIALLY fatal battles with Bro and a pair of Crude Imps, respectively, at perhaps the second biggest climax so far.

Rose is also in danger of being dead: there's a huge fire everywhere and she's sheltering with her cat's cadaver

And we've GOT A GLIMPSE OF OUR FINAL PROTAGONIST, JADE! 

And...

We are messing about with an eccentric chitinous person wrapped in robes who has a peculiar obsession with being adorable.

And possessing John.

Is this his job?

Pushing the results of climaxes back a few pages?

When we first saw him we were anxious to find if John was dead or not (hint: he isn't), he first appeared.

I wonder, if at the next climax, when Rose enters the Medium or dies or whatever, he'll just appears after 47 PSYCHEs and fool around for several hundred pages?

I'm not complaining or anything; he's legitimately adorable AND potential plot-crucial. 

THE THOUGHT JUST AMUSED ME 

okay?

...How is that book in any way stable?

but oh my gosh is this cute

He's creating a city.

Out of cans.

D'aww.

This is presumably more democratic than the Dark Kingdom?

I can't imagine the Dark Kingdom being the haven of democracy or anything.

It seems a little out of character for villains.

Unless they're MISUNDERSTOOD or something.

Okay.

I GIVE UP

HE HAS SUCH ADORABLE DREAMS LOOK AT THE SASH

And the can parade

This is too cute to be legal.

I'm SUING, Hussie.

You love the idea of being a mayor. You love everything about mayors, and the concept of an orderly, civil democracy. It all seems so mannerly and reasonable to you. Everyone is friendly and happy, and the city runs like clockwork. The foundation of the government is based on mutual respect between the leader and its people. It is also built on having a really great mayor that everyone loves who is totally amazing and heroic and brave.

So I suppose this adds support to the idea he was the leader of some sort of protest against the Dark Kingdom? He certainly has remarkably DEMOCRATIC ideals for one who looks like what a faceless evil mook might!

Also, what are those markings on his robes?

Dirt?

Anyway, he needs to get a top hat at SOME POINT during the comic.

If he doesn't then I am quitting forever.

Mayors are so much better than kings. You hate kings and you think kings are really stupid. They are petty, bossy tyrants and are really full of themselves and are basically awful in every way. 

God do you hate kings.

And now that's basically concerned. He must have done something to really irritate the Black King. Like massage his feet incorrectly, or whatever tyrannical despots hate.

And compare the crown in the picture to this:

The resemblance is slightly more than passing!

So we have an EVIL KING and a HEROIC PAWN.

Or one that didn't follow orders right, yet managed not to be killed.

And then became important to Sburb and is directly influencing John.

Maybe he'll control John to talk to past him and convince him to rebel so that he can be sent to Earth so that he can control John to talk to past him and...

The Medium being free of time makes everything terrible. >.<

THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE TIME TRAVEL.

What are these four mysterious items?!

There's what looks like a carton of petrol, some AMBER (with a LIVING FIREFLY(!)), some CHALK and... what radioactive things look like in cartoons?

Hmm...

Okay, so it's apparently Uranium, which according to Fiction is the only radioactive material in existence and is green.

Uranium glass is green and fluorescent, but that's about it. u_u

And nobody loves Technetium or Thorium or Radon or Actinium or Seaborgium ever.

But, uh, eating Uranium is nonetheless Not A Good Idea.

It tastes horrible, has negligible nutritional value, is ridiculously and can potentially can cause death through radiation poisoning.

I hope it's a more stable isotope. >.<

And not only does the Vagabond have an external carapace, he also has an ENDOSKELETON. Is he a turtle-chess piece thing now?

How does he get Crayola products, perfectly unmolested, years into a post-apocalyptic future?!1

Do you expect me to believe this!? 

Travesty!

So, uh...

He appears to eat anything green.

Green chalk, sprouts, uranium...

Hmm, John's chestslime is green, and Jade types in green (but has a blue chestatom?) 

WILL HE EAT THEM AND THEN THEY WILL LOVE EACH OTHER IN HIS STOMACH

Yes. Yes he will.

This is OIL, apparently.

Like OIL Shale Imps and Crude OIL Ogres?!

Does this mean that this is linked with John in some way?

Or monsters?

Oh! Maybe I was right about corresponding grist types!

The purple one is shale, like oil, so it corresponds to Shale imps and John?

The green one, then, is URANIUM, which corresponds to the ATOM (symbolising radioactivity?) on JADE's shirt?

The yellow one is AMBER, which is linked to the DEAD STUFF (like spiders argh) in AMBER in DAVE's room...

So that leaves Rose with the WHITE ONE which is apparently chalk?

I can't see the connection, but ELIMINATION tells us it must be so

Or that this is complete rubbish.

There is nothing you can do for this new little friend. Attempting to crush the AMBER encasing the FIREFLY would likely cause it harm. 

It nevertheless bravely flashes on. You find its light alluring. Inspiring.

To you it seems as if it could quite easily serve as the light of...

Hmm, given what the firefly's face STRIKINGLY RESEMBLES, maybe it represents the light of...

MICROSOFT PAINT 

Or Photoshop.

Or Homestuck.

This firefly is Homestuck.

And it's the Vagabond's friend!

Fitting, since he was at one point CONTROLLING THE STORY

Wait, no.

That's slavery.

And that's a VERY BAD THING.

Or democracy.

Democracy is another PLAUSIBLE OPTION.

I wonder how the poor thing will survive in the amber. 

Or how it got stuck in there in the first place and survived long enough to fossilise.

BUT IT'S ADORABLE SO IGNORE ME

That is a beautiful town.

Especially with those incredibly surreal blue trees.

Definitely a man of obscure artistic tastes, this Vagabond.

Have we actually received any confirmation of his gender?

Maybe I'm just ASSUMING oh no

Chess pieces are probably genderless, actually.

You even add some lush vegetation to your city with a piece of blue chalk, because you can't seem to find a more suitable color for some reason.

How peculiar.

BIGGEST MYSTERY OF THEM ALL.

Okay, we've had KINGS and PAWN-SHAPED people and HARD BLACK SHELLS and now a CHESSBOARD.

This chess metaphor is really blatant! I wonder if he was trying to usurp the king by GETTING TO THE OTHER END OF THE BOARD?

Though he can't turn into a king if he does that.

Just a rook or a bishop or a knight or a QUEEN.

A drag QUEEN.

Make it so.

Or maybe he could just turn into a rook and DO CASTLING.

Because that's usurping or something obviously.

Maybe he was sentenced to exile after turnign into a queen and seducing the King?!!

WV: Use your own pee for the commercial zones.

HOW ABOUT THE OIL WHICH IS BLACK LIKE BLACK SQUARES ON A CHESSBOARD

Or maybe his urine *is* black?! 

Who knows with fictional creatures.

Luckily, he's shaking his head adorably.

This means NO.

Look! It's practically Skaia already!

I wonder if he'll have a chess match. Against John, maybe?

This seems plausible.

PAGE 700.

Hooray!

He's now a MAYOR, officially!

All is well in this peaceful town.

Using most of your imagination and an entire piece of sky-blue chalk, you render a bright and cheerful sky full of clouds.  You have decided that very closely orbiting your city is a LUMINOUS PLANET, about which orbits a single MOON.  You switch to another shade of blue and continue rendering on the western wall.

So he's making a map of the Medium? Presumably these clouds and pretty things are the backdrop of Skaia, and the chessboard is the centre of it?

The LUMINOUS PLANET must be the LIGHT KINGDOM, which seems to be close to Skaia.

I wonder what significance its MOON might have?

And these clouds certainly don't resemble the ones near John's house!

Orbiting much further from your city are FOUR PLANETS. None of these have satellites, you have decided. Yes, that makes sense, you think.

Wait,so then each of our heroes gets a planet to themselves, and the dark, cloudy part is JOHN's bit of the medium? Will Rose be entirely separate when she gets in the Medium, and unable to help with the Ogres?

Oh dear.

The dark, oily one with the grey clouds must be John's; perhaps there *is* really a primordial ocean of oil down there? I wonder how OIL can be thematically linked to John, though...? I suppose it's made o long-dead organisms, and therefore something suitable for an ECTOBIOLOGIST to be interested in?

The one with a cog might be Dave's given that it's HIS COLOUR? Also, it looks vaguely like the disc on his shirt, and the fact that he's a turntechGodhead?

The other two I'm really not sure of. Maybe the colourful one is Jade's because she seems more likely than Rose to like bright colours?

Neither of them seem particularly chalky or uranium-y, sadly.

Though volcanoes could be linked with volcanoes in that uranium is radioactive, and radioactive dating only works with igneous rocks? That's really a stretch, though.

And finally, here is our OMINOUS PLANET, presumably the DARK KINGDOM (oh hey, it's John in the background!)? It seems very mysterious and threatening and scary, with all that DARKNESS and those WIRES.

Oh, John! Stop being so adorable.

Oh yeah, it's that guy. You had almost forgotten about him and his confusing shenanigans. 

It seems like he has things well in hand at the moment. He does not appear to need your help, and you have already concluded that he cannot help you, at least for the time being.

It's all right, Mister Vagabond.

You can't always help him. In fact, I might venture as far as to say that he's ENTIRELY BEYOND IT.

that appears to be an Apple keyboard.

Or actually a PUMPKIN keyboard, hee hee.

There's a pumpkin key instead of an apple one.

Wait, what pumpkin?

Gosh, even pumpkin *keys* disappear. o_O

Hmm, if CAPS LOCK gives you a BOOK ON POLITENESS, what will TAB give us?

Such mysteries!

Alas, the Light Kingdom has fallen!

And has been replaced with more cans?

Except that these are pink?

And say TAB on them?

Uh uh what.

DON'T BE TEMPTED BY THE PINK CANS.

They only deceive. u_u

Are these the evil dark forces, intent on destroying Skaia?

That are pink?

NO VAGABOND NO

YOU HAVE SUCCUMBED TO THEIR DECEIT

They're made by Coca Cola, apparently.They MUST be evil.

Are they real?

I've never heard of them. o_O

THE TAB CANS HAVE INVADED!

DIRTY FOREIGNERS, TAKING US TRUE CANS'S JOBS.

No good will come of this.

It's not like emptying a can kills it or anything. They are just cans after all.

BUT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. THOSE ARE GUTS.

If you take a person's guts out, they die.

If you taken a can's guts out... THEY ALSO DIE.

YOU MURDERERER.

We have ESCAPED from John's fruitless shenanigans!

Excellent.

Does this leave us free to inspect OTHER TALES?

Hmm, I wonder who input these commands?

COULD IT BE JADE, given that they're GREEN?

SHe must be the mastermind.

UNTRUSTWORTHY.

So we can view screens 1-4, then, apparently? 

And ROOM 3 is locked? Like how Bro's computer was locked, presuming Dave is the third player?

I WONDER WHAT THIS COULD MEAN?

So switch 2 looks like ZAZZERPAN THE LEARNED?

He looks like he...

NEEDS A HAND.

Oh yes.

(I'm so sorry.)

I do hope that this is some sign that Rose has died in the future. u_u

So switch three reveals a presumably future Dave?

He seems to have prototyped a crow? The impaled crow, of course. More dead things being prototyped!

It's certainly a pattern.

ALSO CAL IS DEAD THIS IS THE BEST THING SINCE CANNED BREAD (you strange person, vagabond).

I want to go up to whoever did that and give them THE BIGGEST HUG.

Yes.

Also, Dave's record is *broken*? What?

How?

Is that even possible?

And his sword, like Narsil, a DIFFERENT STRIDER's sword, has been snapped in hlaf. (The books are better. TWO NOT SIX.)

Something traumatic (and wonderful?) must have happened.

I wonder if it represents how Dave's IRONIC SHTICK goes ON and ON and ON, like a Broken Record?

Or something?

Oh bother.

A countdown.

With a 4:13 in it.

OF COURSE it has 413 in it. 

Is he going to have to try and enter The Medium too?

Is ONE LAST METEOR coming his way?

Will he be the FIFTH player, the small box?

IS HE THE TRUE HERO?

Find out next time. 

Or don't.

It's your choice.

[thehedgewhoisactuallyahuman-blog]

Turn Around.

Oh gosh.

Why is that imp quivering? I mean it's amazingly adorable and it's making me want to adopt it as a pet slightly, but what is it hiding from?

... It's the massive huge imp, isn't it? Massive huge imps are the worst kind of imp. u_u Even the shale imps agree with me.

JOHN STOP TEXTING DREAM-LADY AND WAKE UP

A MONSTER WILL EAT YOU.

That's usually a bad thing, too. >.<

BUT YES WE ARE GETTING A PESTERLOG WITH A MOTORCYCLE HOORAY

John expresses his distress towards the frivolity of his shenanigans!

Really, I kind of agree with him; he just doesn't seem to be *doing* very much right now. Nor does anybody. Maybe it's just that I'm a slow reader. I'm sure it will pick up pace though.

And Jade... knows about John's grandmother?

Did I miss something?

(Now I know what it feels like :P)

Is she a time traveller or something?

Does she know about Nanna because she's from the future and has finished the game and has time travelled or something?

With... THE POWER OF SKAIA?

Wait. WHAT IF THOSE ARE HER ARMS.

MAYBE THAT'S HOW SHE KNOWS SO MUCH 

She SENSES THE PAST WITH ELDRITCH TENTACLE ARMS

Or maybe she'll start dying a lot because she jumped into John's timestream and WE HAVE TO FIND THE REAL JADE.

I do find a potential link from the mysterious arms and Jade interesting, though; perhaps the arms were added AFTER each pesterlog relating to that subject or something? Hmm. I don't know. I'll have to re-read to see where the arms are exactly, and reread her pesterlogs...

Jade seems to be very eager to take John's own excuses for her knowledge, hmm... There's certainly something she doesn't want him to know about her! This seems vaguely THREATENING. I wonder if SHE is the villain or something. CAN SHE HACK?

(Yes she can!)

BUT WHAT FOR?

A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE?

I can see through your plans. =.=

Okay, what I am picking up here is STEREOTYPICAL MOVIE SIGNS of somebody being UNKNOWINGLY DEAD.

I mean, 'fell asleep for a while..... and lost track of time'? 

Does it *get* any more blatant than that?

They *always* feel like they're falling asleep, and often the afterlife is somewhere completely exempt from the flow of time. She would see all, know all, but understand very little. She says nothing specific, just *very vague* hints! Perhaps the 'later' she is talking about is when John finally dies and meets her in this fictional afterlife?

That's rather morbid.

PERHAPS these mysterious arms are her from her future TRYING TO GET or something? 

What does she mean by 'wake up'?

She seems to mention things to do with sleeping a lot...

Perhaps when you die in Homestuck, you 'wake up' to a new future in the afterlife? And you can't TELL ANYONE, because it's a big secret which is ACTUALLY THE POINT OF THE GAME?

To mature into a true hero, then wake up (die) and take on a new godly form on Skaia/Light Kingdom? And if you fail, the Dark Kingdom claims you?

Something like that?

Aww, look at the imp cower in abject terror!

John, use your HEROIC MAJESTY to thwart whatever may be threatening you beloved maiden without being entirely pummelled. 

Bother.

Sburb, this is so overpowered it is silly.

Nerf it in the next patch or whatever MMO fans say

Oooooh, he's got the Egbert Sassatome.

Now it's personal.

FIGHT FOR YOUR HERITAGE! YOUR HONOUR! YOUR IMP! D:<

This is the most adorable panel of Homestuck I have ever seen in ever.

And now they kiss.

I wouldn't really recommend it actually. Both of them have RIDICULOUSLY OVERSIZED TEETH. That would kind of hurt.

You're all alone, John.

It is time to CLAIM WHAT IS RIGHTFULLY YOURS, YOUNG SQUIRE.

TALLY HOOOOOOOOO

Oh yes.

We're the imp.

We're MARY POPPINS.

And it actually works, because imps weigh a negligible amount.

Really, if I had anybody as a babysitter, I'd choose an imp.

They're absolutely AMAZING. 

They have a sense of humour, an excellent fashion sense, and they are perhaps the cutest evil monster I have ever seen.

Another shiny! We are getting lucky today.

John's PRIMAL WRATH at having his really awful possessions thieved from him is rather amusing. Seriously, the trick handcuffs wouldn't fit around those monsters' pinkies, let alone do anything remotely useful.

Is that imp breaking its own neck out of terror?

THINGS ARE GETTING INTENSE.

But no, imp. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR IN BEING A GENRIC FANTASY MOOK!

Like...

uh...

Cheap laughs!

Getting slain by a noble protagonist!

All both of these are fine occupations for a young imp to take up! Your grandparents would be proud, if they existed.

How do imps reproduce anyway? Are they formed in the PROTOPLASMIC DARKNESS or

Don't answer that question, please. The lewd muppet art was bad enough. e_e

I don't really want to trudge through some 413-page treatise by Hussie on imp reproduction. It's something I could do without.

IMP X TREE X CHESTSLIME

BEST OT3 EVER

John, toss yourself into the abyss.

It would be a better fate

And also relatively quick, if this place even *has* a bottom. Falling until you die of starvation or thirst sounds... kind of terrible, really.

Will the giants even fit up here?

It... doesn't seem very stable, considering that it's a slab of flooring held up by chimneys. Seriously, Rose. It's economical, but...

There's a limit to that.

Preferable one well before 'certain death, but HALF PRICE'.

And we're CHARGING UP in perhaps the most adorkable way possible.

You have to love John.

Hmm, I wonder how Dave is doing. I wonder if his STRIFE! with Bro and John's BOSS STRIFE! will occur simultaneously? That would be cool.

Oh, JOHN!

My sense of direction is truly, truly dreadful, but even *I* can tell you're facing the wrong way.

You really do need Rose, don't you? D'aww.

John, are you tormenting me or something?

Is that your purpose in life?!

That's terrible.

ENJOY your brutal murder, thank you very much. u_u

That's... a long way.

Those clouds sure are mysterious!

Maybe they're hiding an Easter Egg?

MAYBE IT IS CANDYJOHN PLANET DOWN THERE.

Ominous shadows are NEVER GOOD.

They're here.

John soon won't be.

This is going to be DRAAAAAAAAAAAAMATIC!

Heavenly Ivory Poachers, these things have massive tusks!

They look kind of impractical.

They're, uh, not as cute as the imps.

Crap.

John, you are dead. u_u

Hmm, first we have SHALE IMPS, then CRUDE OGRES...

Will the next monsters continue the pattern of [oil-related substance] [mythical beast]?

Will we have the Legendary PETROL GIANTS next? And then the Terrible BITUMEN HEKATONKHEIRES? And then the Terrifying NAPHTHA CYCLOPES? All the way up to the Invicible ALKANE BEHEMOTH?

That would be slightly intimidating. u_u'

This is it. You have no choice but to wage a fierce rooftop battle. This is totally going to happen now, and could in no way conceivably be interrupted by a sudden shift in our attention. It's go time. It's time to do this thing. 

Damn it, it's going to be interrupted.

I HATE YOU ANDREW.

ill MAKE YOU HAPEN

So, in our collection, we have  and. How useful.

Oh crap.

it gave me a LINK 

I 

Don't

What?

This is

Inane

My brain hurts

SO WE MEET AGAIN YOUNG MR CLARKSON STRIDER

You have VANQUISHED your first enemy: the illusive PILE OF EROTIC PUPPETS.

Congratulations.

Now let's do this thing.

Together...

That felt dirty.

BUT OOOH A FLASH

Things are GETTING SERIOUS in the Strider residence.

This is usually when Dave is taken to a foster home, only to MYSTERIOUSLY GET KIDNAPPED.

We have our ninja sword.

We have a stoic demeanour.

We have heroic and catchy music.

We have an incredibly creepy puppet.

WE ARE READY.

And of course the sunglasses.

Can't forget the sunglasses.

Okay, I know I've been teasing Dave about how lame his irony is and all that, but damn, can he be badass.

Is this showing we escaping from his brother's PERVERSE GRASP, he can become a TRUE HERO? I like this Dave. This Dave will get all the Egbert he wants.

DUND-duh-duh-duh

Duh-nuh DAH DAH DAH DAH!

DUND-duh-duh-duh

Duh-nuh DOH DOH DOH DOH.

Yes, this music is confirmed CATCHY.

(and yes that is definitely legitimate sheet music shut up

I don't need non' o' your INTERBALLS and CROTCHES and HARPY JOES roun' here.)

Not that there are any arpeggios that I can hear in this piece?

Civilations fall.

Cities burn.

Millions die.

Hope is dashed.

YET STRIDER LIVES ON.

We've got the STRIDER TRIFORCE OF LEGEND here.

Looking at the covinous Bro here, his hand seems really, really, strange.

WRISTS DON'T WORK LIKE THAT.

It's time.

We have ASCENDED TO THE HIGHEST POINT ON THE BUILDING.

We are doing this, man.

We.

ARE.

MAKING.

THIS!

HAPEN!!!!!!!!!!

Yes.

WAIT WHAT

HI JADE

YOU HAVE BIG GLASSES AND AN ATOM ON YOUR SHIRT IT HAS THREE ELECTRON ORBITS SO IT'S LITHIUM I SUPPOSE

AND ALSO SPIROGRAPH FLOWERS WHAT IS UP WITH THOSE

AND YOU'RE NOT DEAD

AND THERE ARE YOUR POTS

BENEATH YOUR FLOWERS

WHAT?

ALSO A PUMPKIN

WITH A WEIRD FACE OF SOME SORT MAYBE

AND YOU'RE EITHER IN HEAVEN OR IT'S DAWN BECAUSE THOSE CLOUDS ARE PINK

ASSUMING IT IS 4:13 EGBERT TIME AND THE RISES AT 7 HERE THAT WOULD PUT YOU SOMEWHERE NEAR AUSTRALIA OR SOMETHING MAYBE JAPAN

NOT THAT THOSE ARE CLOSE BUT THEY ARE ON THE SAME MERIDIAN

YOU LOOK SORT OF ASIAN SO THAT'S ACCEPTABLE

I'll stop shouting now.

Or... not.

Hmm.

It's Everyone's Favourite Mind Crusher!

Hi adorable sir!

Are we meeting you now?

That's okay too.

You ALSO have a pumpkin, but a very ROTTEN one.

Huh.

These are presumably Jailbreak references, but...

MAYBE THEY ARE THE SAME PUMPKIN AND HE IS A REALLY OLD JADE OR MAYBE IT'S A LEGENDARY ARTIFACT

And there's also an EPICYCLOID and STYLISED ATOM nearby too.

INTERESTING.

You are now the Wayward Vagabond.

Well hello Mr Vagabond sir how are you

I'm good.

Okay then.

Yes.

This is PANEL 666, according to the downloading. How EDGY.

And we have our arms already!

Very good! Applause all round.

Hmm, what's that white thing on his arm, though? :o

NO SIR YOU DO NOT EAT ROTTEN FOOD

That is how you get food poisoning and DIE.

Which is rather unhealthy.

Bother.

Hmm, it appears that I am SURPRISINGLY OKAY with the fact that we're not seeing the EPIC SHOWDOWN.

I want to know more about this mysterious figure. And he's very cute, too.

So if that atom symbolises radiation... Then is Jade a MAGICAL ROBOT

or something

this is so stupid

The Vagabond seems an oddly down-to-Earth fellow, doesn't he?

Despite the peculiarity of some of his requests, he doesn't really seem *too* eccentric.

WV: Captchalogue can of gravy.

Captchalogue? You have no idea what that means. It is total nonsense and you do not know what to make of it. You will not give the foolish notion a second thought.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

AHAHAHAHA

YEEEEEEEEEEEEES.

No, Captchaloguing really isn't that bad. It's kind of interesting, really!

Many hypothetical uses! 

But... THE JOKES.

ALAS.

We have the gravy!

Capital, good sir.

WV: Use sharp teeth to poke a hole in the lid of the can.

Well, he's certainly not an imp.

THAT WAS A SILLY IDEA.

Because imps have FANGS.

He's got a much rounder head, too, and is taller...

Much like a pawn, as I have already stated!

And he's a herbivore, too!

SO CUTE.

dook

dook

Don't worry, sir!

You can reach the delicious gravy!

WORRY NOT!

I hope he doesn't starve tragically. u_u

Apparently he also has a HARD CARAPACE too. Like a chess piece?

Are you sure carrying this many cans is wise?!1

I am not.

Carrying cans is basically the hardest thing ever.

Gosh, Sylladices really *weren't* that bad, you know. .-.

Okay, let's FORGET ABOUT THE CANS.

really, has anything worthwhile been in a can ever?

I THINK NOT.

And his wrist has to be interesting. It's probably some sort of BIRTHMARK or some boon bestowed unto him or something.

It's a barcode?

Oh.

Well.

This has DEPRESSING CONNOTATIONS.

Really, the only societies who put barcodes on people are the ones bent on repressing every bit of their populace's free will in some state of constant surveillance, in a way reminiscent of some Orwellian dystopia. .-.

Don't worry.

YOU ARE NOT A NUMBER, SIR VAGABOND.

That's... Dark, Dark Kingdom. If they really did do that.

Don't worry.

EAT TO FORGET YOUR SORROWS.

GUYS WE'VE BEEN DOING IT WRONG

You EAT books, not read them.

SERIOUSLY SHEEPLE

Do all these cans represent Monsieur Vagabond's desire to escape the REPRESSION AND EAT, but that he lacks the POWER (or will) TO do it?

No.

And, uh, canned bread? Canned cheese?

I am not sure those are real things.

Ah, our trusty knife!

That's a postbox flag.

How eccentric!

I wonder if it's JOHN'S postbox's flag.

That would be ~spooky~

This means nothing to you. You are not an imp, you have no idea what an imp is, and you will not entertain such frivolous and childish ideas ever again. You feel stupid and hate yourself a little for even considering it.

I...

I didn't know.

I'M SO SORRY MISTER VAGABOND

I can't repair this damage

I am so, so, sorry.

It was simply an innocent thought

I'll... 

I'll leave now

[thehedgewhoisactuallyahuman-blog]

This is sort of asks or something?

Jade Harley srsly hv u not been payed attenting

BUT SERIOUSLY:

Okay. I have done a NAUGHTY THING of which you are probably all aware and I'd like to explain it or something.

I have examinations next week. 

These are not small examinations. They're private examinations, yes, but they're the kind that only come once a year and determine IMPORTANT THINGS. 

I am almost certainly going to be fine, rationally, but my non-rational bits are not cognisant of this! Those make me do whimsical and stupid things. u_u

Anyway, my panick-y and reckless side is extra strong this time around, given that last week I was abroad and unable to study, and my first exam is Mandarin, which I am NOT VERY GOOD AT. I mean, I mean I might get a B or a C or something, in my GCSEs! D:

Anyway, I typically tend to try to relieve this stress (subconsciously when I'm actually doing such deeds, but it's bloody obvious in retrospect in all cases. '>.>) by generally being irritating. In this case, my INGENIOUS idea can be expressed in textspeak:

hi im brane hu r u

o w8 

nm

neway remembr dat time wen yu did teh BAD TINHG an conceal dat yu no dav jerme name

ahaha

lets do it agen

gr8 ideea

Or alternatively you may have a beautiful self-portrait on a specially edition custom Homestuck panel: 

I believe that represents the amount of rational thought that went into the decision to look up JADE's name. Wouldn't it be HILARIOUS to leave an EASTER EGG that could potentially cause everyone to doubt my very legitimacy?!1 My socks have taken flight at the humour of that preposition. GENIUS. (I also was impatient and curious; I shall be honest.)

Anyway, I'm lucky the search didn't reveal anything: I just read the titles of the results visible, which using google.co.uk were Homestuck Kids, Jade Harley, 413 and Act something?

What I know now from that act of supreme idiocy is that Homestuck has acts FOR SURE, there are kids in Homestuck (Shocking!), 413 might actually mean something (but I think I figured that on my own, so it's not *that* bad, right?! u_u) and that a girl named Jade Harley exists.

Once I added her name, replacing Jeb, I completed the post and re-read it, then published it. Only then did I realise that I was an idiot and the whole thing was a bad idea, in accordance with most of the things I do. I wrote out the annoying cryptic message which was really very obnoxious and promptly forgot about and did something entirely different like read or play the piano or something. I don't know.

Then I got home after another day preparing for examinations (wah), checked my email account and realised just how cretinous I had been. You were all very much right to have been critical of this decision and sceptical of my motives, and I'm very lucky the top result wasn't 'JOHN EGEBERT WAS THE BADDIE ALL ALONG HE KILLS EVERYONE ESPECIALLY HIS MOTHER WHO IS DAVE AND THEN EATS SKAIA AND ENDS THE WORLD'. A spoiler on that scale would ruin both my and your enjoyment of all this. 

My sense of humour is the worst.

ANYWAY, I can assure you I really won't do any of this again because it's terrible and unfunny and just irritates everyone really. I'll answer some OTHER QUESTIONS too, and then later write an actual liveblog.

And then study damn it

No

No it is not specific

It could be a JUMPING SPIDER

or a BIG SPIDER

or some other genus

Like those Wandering Spiders gosh those are terrible.

Spiders are terrible

THE WORST

I've had nightmares about them since the dawn of life, which is several billions of  years before I was born, which is kind of impressive.

Seriously, they're in every single one of them, it seems.

Darn them. 

And even the dreams without them aren't very good.

Last night I dreamt of a dead violin teahcer hanging outside my window when I woke up.

That was kind of disturbing.

Uh

Wow

I really kind of missed that bit.

That INCREDIBLY OBVIOUS BIT

Oh dear.

I'm not sure how-

I'm so, so sorry.

This is worse than spoiling myself.

I HAVE FAILED

BUT PENDINGMETAMORPHOSIS YOU GREAT CATERPILLAR

Everything is important

Even the colours of letters.

Especially the colours of letters.

What did I just read. 

What

Did

I 

Just  

Read

They can keep their images to themselves

I 

what

Hussie is a real-life Bro

That is not a good thing

Oh dear

Suggestive baby muppets no

[I have deleted the previous post as it was stupid and embarrassing and obnoxious u_u]

[thehedgewhoisactuallyahuman-blog]

Skaian Skies

Aww.

Look at him.

I'm so proud!

He's nearly half-competent!

I'm pretty sure you're meant to hit imps with the hammer, though. Not the floor.

Perhaps it might CHARGE some LATEX RICOCHET INDEX or something and allow him to deliver a super-powerful LIMIT BREAK.

Is that how these things work?

D'aww. 

I know I was ranting about how CUTE imps are, but now that we look at them when they're sad

I am flailing around and making weird noises

And typing too

why am i doing that

Help.

John, if you come within 57 parallaxes of an second of this imp  then

then

I would be very upset

YES.

But I'm pretty sure John is CLOSER than 57 parsecs.

Who'd have guessed that.

Just look at how sad you've made that imp feel.

Sit back a moment and REFLECT upon your actions, young man.

I don't care that they've messed up your room. I don't care that they've been annoying. I don't care that they've kidnapped and possibly murdered your father. 

ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME JOHN?

Just don't kill this one. Please. u_u

Wow, Rose is complimenting somebody. No, I'm not being sarcastic about this! We're actually showing a slightly less  faux-bitterly-misanthropic and pretentious side of her! This is adorable.

Don't worry. I don't know who Harry Anderson either. We can be UNITED IN IGNORANCE. Or whatever it is non-omniscient people do.

NO JOHN

THE IMP WAS DOING NOTHING 

This is so sad.

Lachrymate rivulets are god-damned gushing from my poor, pink nasolacrimal ducts. 

Egbert, I will find you

Well, I would if you hadn't 

...

Y'know

...

Vaulted into the abyss clutching onto the hammer that may very well be fuelled with the bile of slimes everywhere.

You're so silly, John. >.<

And probably dead.

You're always dead.

I wonder if he actually *does* die; for real this time. Well, not this time. At the end of the story. It's a fairly common thing for heroes to do. They learn the true nature of some MacGuffin and under CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT and defeat the final boss but SACRIFICE THEIR LIFE to make sure the universe is saved/created/something. And then come back to life apparently?

I don't know.

BUT MAYBE JOHN WILL DO IT.

I think he's cuter alive, though. 

u_u

Oh no, not again.

IT'S ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE Al2O3 T CONSPIRACY ARMS AGAIN

HAS IT HITCHED A RIDE TO THE MEDIUM

Oh gosh, it's coming from a blue portal...

There's somebody, somewhere, sticking their arm through an orange one.

Now we just need someone with a GUNKIND strife specibus and a time traveller and we can resolve all this nonsense.

Where are we going to get those, though?

Bother.

We still haven't seen where John's gone.

Hopefully he's been caught by Rose.

So that's a double-kill.

Do we get bonus XP Grist?

We need all the grist we can get to do

Something.

WEAPONS. ARMOUR. BOONS. REPLACEMENT SKAIAS IF ANYTHING GOES AWRY.

Yes.

Also...

How did he get that hammer on the roof?

Rose is improbably good at this game compared to John.

Also, that's the hole into his father's room, isn't it? From the safe?

Bother.

I want to see all the clowns/Sburb stuff/fatherly miscellanea in there. .-.

Ah well.

John really is very silly.

I shall save this: 

 for later. It looks USEFUL.

So we have zoomed out from our PRONETAGONIST to reveal...

Not much.

That hammer is much bigger than I remember it being. It's bigger than John! How does he lift it? It's probably just ARTISTIC LICENCE or something.

uh

uh

It's got in the house

...

It was nice knowing you, John.

Presumably this will be the boos of Level 1 in Sburb? If there is such a mechanic, of course.

Then we'll enter the FIRST GATE and deal with these on a regular basis, presumably.

The SEVENTH GATE probably leads to some sort of FINAL SHOWDOWN on Skaia, so that makes Seven levels, too. How AUSPICIOUS or something. Will they have to fight the ENTIRE ARMY of muscular clown chess pieces to reach the prize of life-creation? That would be... fun.

The imps on Level Seven must be massive, though, if we already have ones SEVERAL METRES TALL on LEVEL ONE.

It's a bit excessive, Sburb. u_u

Or maybe they're not imps; they seem to have a different body structure, from the glimpses we've had. I wonder if we'll fight spiders too.

Spiders are not very good things to fight. If Dave prototypes one of those amber-encased arachnids in his room I shall be MOST DISPLEASED. 

Why would you do that, though? Do you really want a spider mentor?

Spider mentors are the worst.

And LIL' CALDERS OH DEAR

no

Oh bother.

Botherbotherbotherbotherbotherbotherbother

I've just given myself jamais vu.

Bother.

THERE ARE TWO OF THESE AWFUL BEHEMOTHS

NOW HOW WILL JOHN ASCEND TO THE NEXT LEVEL

EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE

He'll find some CUNNING way to figure all of this out.

We can't have our ectobiologist dying before he ectobiologises.

John, you don't go against the narrative prompt.

It's ILLEGAL.

You have to MAKE THE REFERENCE.

Nice save?

It was a 

, obviously.

I am ashamed.

Hmm.

How interesting.

I wouldn't rule out that this aspect of free will may very well be a fundamental part of the game! Perhaps this is what the game is about, too? All the kids, and indeed all kids, really (except the feral ones but those are really hard to find) don't have that much choice.

John seems to rely a lot on his friends. Perhaps too much? Sburb might be a way for him to grow BEYOND this need and become a mature independent adult, and fly to freedom and knowledge? (I don't think he'll abandon them by any means, though!)

And Rose is certainly controlled by her mother, locked in a pointless passive-aggressive game with her, which controls basically everything she does, reluctant though she is to admit it. Might she realise how *childish* this feud is, and rise above it? 

Dave's situation might be the opposite: he trusts his brother too much, despite what disturbing and psychotic  things he does. Hehas to realise that he is clever enough to make his own decisions and become his own person, and not try to copy his brother's perverse irony. 

I don't know about Jeb, really. We haven't seen her in ages.

But choice is the vital part of those bits: they have to *choose* to go beyond their comfort zone, and face their flaws. It would be much *easier* to view Rose's mother as some horrible monster who exists only to torment her daughter. It would be much *easier* to see Bro as some perfect hero, who should be copied exactly. But they're not. These children, all on the cusp of puberty, need to make these choices and *grow up*.

Beyond this, perhaps their free will might extend to playing the game itself. It would be easy to give up, and run from the beasts below. But we won't. They will choose to become heroes.

If we do beat the game, and claim our prizes, would it be right to take it? Is propagating life the *correct* thing to do? Is the dark kingdom *really* the wrong side? Living beings maim, torment and kill each other. Are things really so black and white (or violet and gold?)? Again, it might also be tempting (for Rose in particular, maybe?) to think misanthropically and accentuate the negatives. Perhaps that's the true choice they have to make? Whether life is worthy of being recreated?

Well, this is kind of depressing. 

Rose isn't sure whether Dave will make it in time.

She could very well die within the hour.

Yet she still continues to begrudgingly help John. And, of course, experiment. She's quite the scientist. u_u

I think we can all agree that John has a potentially lucrative career in double-amputee modelling.

He is a cylinder.

A sleeping cylinder.

Good night, fair John.

Hmm, the && suggests that there will be an OR method used sometime.

AND MAYBE A XOR OR A NOR THAT WOULD BE GREAT

It seems useful, I suppose.

Then EVERYONE can have the ultimate weapon.

Yay?

:|

So we're not going on some epic quest to retrieve John's disc?

That's slightly disappointing.

Unless Sburb has more HACKER PREVENTION?

Well bother.

We're never going to get it and Jeb and Dave and Rose willd ie and everyone's going to die and the world will die 

Oh dear.

Aww, Rose can be cute too. u_u

Chesthulhu looks extremely embittered about this whole fiasco.

And judging by the ratio of her hand to her face, she certainly doesn't have cancer. :v

Excellent news.

They're all very, very disproportionate.

I'm surprised they can life their heads without snapping their necks.

Not... that they have necks. o_O

That solves the problem, then?

I suppose?!

NO RAIN WORK BETTER

Your only job was to deprive the fire of oxygen.

AND EVEN AT THAT YOU FAIL.

I sometimes wonder why we're friends, rain.

You're useless.

And generator! You too!

You're all terrible.

Now John is trapped, all alone - asleep - with two (or more) humongous beasts intent on rending really all of his parts from all the other parts.

This is going to go... well. .-.

Two of her stubby little hands take up a very small proportion of her face.

How does John play the piano with those? I doubt he can reach more than a sixth!

(and that's not very much.)

Let's have a 2X DO STUFF COMBO now! Yay.

So he dreams of Skaia when asleep?

I'm guessing, since this is fiction, that these dreams are symvolic or even prophetic in nature? Fictional dreams always are.

So this cloud turns into his father?

Does this show how he restricts John? Or maybe how John needs to realise how necessary he is? Or even that DAD IS SKAIA 

So these next three clouds, appearing in conjunction, seem to represent his primary neuroses: Harlequins, pastries, and Betty Crocker.

Again, these seem to be rather *silly*, *immature* things that John needs to grow out of.

I mean, who should be scared by fictional cake lady conspiracies?

I suppose reconciling these may be a part of John's Sburban Journey.

And these are John's interests, then?

Or maybe his ROLE?

Slimer -> Ghostbusting -> Ectobiology -> MAKING LIFE?

And Being A Prankster Too?

Yes,  non-Chestslime is kind of harder to reconcile with this theory. >.<

How interesting. Does Skaia have some innate knowledge of these aspects of John?

OHMYGOSHOHMYGOSH

SQUEEEEEEEEEE

AND THIS FOURTH GROUP IS

THE FOURTH KID

IS THIS JEB

IS IT HER

FINALLY

Or 

Is it

a RUSE?

That would be irritating. Maybe it's a table. Or a tadpole. Or a tumour. Or  a tack. Or tumblr.

I wonder what this represents!

Is Jade fated to be John's bride?

That's kind of very blatant and rather irritating is it is. JOHN AND DAVE EVERYBODY

THEY'RE THE QUEEN ELIZABETH II

The ship.

The really big one.

Not the pointless old lady.

Yes.

[thehedgewhoisactuallyahuman-blog]

In Which the Hedge does Something Resembling Mathematics

I will never get tired of characters building fortresses out of miscellaneous objects.

LET'S BUST SOME IMAGINARY GHOSTS WOO

As a kid, building things out of other things is simply the most enjoyable thing you can do.

AND LOOK IT HAS FOUR CORNERS 

ONE FOR EACH KID

SYYYMMMMMMBOLISM.

I do wonder what he's going to do with his Totem Lathe. I bet he's  going to make a fort out of hammers and pogos and captchalogue cards 

No.

This is by far the most heinous act of malevolence we have seen so far in Homestuck. (Except maybe the person who made/possessed Lil' Cal. They are COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY EVIL. Dave needs his vengeance.)

Anyway, WHAT IS BELOW THE CLOUDS?

It *looked* like the Dark Kingdom was, but maybe that was metaphorical. Like how people who believe in Hell don't actually believe it's in the centre of the Earth or something.

It's probably a dim landscape filled with imps chucking sludgy hydrocarbons at each other. OR MAYBE IT IS THE PROBLEM SLEUTH / JAILBREAK CITY. Maybe the other kids will end up in other areas with different landscapes below?

HRM.

I do hope the bedsheets don't get too defiled by whatever is actually down there. They're very nice. I just have boring white-and-blue striped ones, but Egbert has GHOSTS and MORE GHOSTS.

Everything that's fallen into the abyss will most likely be important later.

I should probably reread a bit and make a list; I can't remember everything off the top of my head. >.<

Anyway, to speculate upon the Dark and Light kingdoms: I don't really think that they're populated by imps / whatever that thing was. I just can't see good versions of those running around GOLDEN CASTLES in the light kingdom. (Since they are simply colour-swaps of each other, it is reasonable to assume their inhabitants are colour-swaps of each other. Perhaps to symbolise how similar our subjective interpretations of objective 'good' and 'evil' are? Or maybe to show that they're two sides of the same coin? Hmm.) Skaia apparently has 'the forces of  LIGHT AND DARKNESS' fighting upon it, which really didn't look very much like imps or giants or anything. They were, well, chess pieces. Perhaps the two kingdoms *literally* are run by chess-piece-like beings; a king and a queen, as well as a court of bishops, a guard of knights, some rooks being rooks and vast faceless legions of pawns? So maybe WV isn't an imp at all, but a pawn who's gone the other way the kids are going? He certainly looks very distinct from any other imps we have seen, with his height and lack of ANGRY EYES and stuff?

What's he doing on Earth, though? Was he exiled into a land with actual time and thus ageing (:?) as a punishment for being a rebel against his OPPRESSORS? Is he an anarcho-socialist ideal or something

Maybe he was given a duty by Skaia to tend to one of its players? Perhaps it recognised his TRUE IMPORTANCE and gave him a role higher than King? Did he CROSS THE HYPERBOARD

He seems very silly nonetheless.

And not very heroic. JUST LIKE JOHN

Perhaps Rose will have some really pretentious lady, and Dave will get some RAD DUDE absolute dork and Jeb will get a salamander idk

So this is the totem for our pogo ride.

Notice how it has EIGHT POINTS where the GRADIENT IS ZERO (i.e. turning points) as labelled here:

These presumably correspond to the code, which was 'DQMmJLeK', as evidenced by a quick trawl through my notes.

It doesn't really correspond to it if left normally, but if we reverse the code to KeLJmMQD, the two LOWEST POINTS (2 and 5) correspond to the two lowercase letters. Interesting.

Also, J is lower than L (slightly), so perhaps A would carve the least, and z the most? But there were NUMBERS in the other codes oh boy

I wonder where they fall.

So 26+26+10 = 62, which is two shy of 64, a power of two and thus VERY IMPORTANT to programmy things because bits and binary and stuff

And looking at the punched cards, there seems to be... 48 places for potential holes.

Oh. 

BUT WAIT IF YOU DIVIDE 48 BY 8 YOU GET 6 AND 2^6 IS 64

So maybe I am onto something?

I don't know how they would be split up argh

Is a hole or a space a 1 or a 0

Are numbers smaller or bigger than letters

LET'S WAIT UNTIL THE NEXT PANEL

THEN I WILL DO POINTLESS PROBLEM SOLVING

ARGH WHAT THAT IS TWO MANY TURNING POINTS (there are 10)

So maybe this was all for nought and I was wrong

oh well

next one

So anyway that is 'dskjhsdk'. It seems smaller than the others since it has only MINUSCULE LETTERS. 

Presumably the codes tell the lathe how much to cut. Since the lowercase letters all carve more, it would make sense to give them a higher value; more protrusion from the lathe. If numbers come after letters, a would be 26, and d would be 29. 29 < 32 (after 32 they would all start with a one since 32 = 100000)

BUT if numbers come before letters, all lowercase letters would be of a value of at least 32 (and it would also make more sense as the numbers would represent themselves, not 52-61 I mean that's stupid.) 

So in 6-digit binary, d = 39 = 100111

ANYWAY if we look at the random code, which is all lowercase letters (making it a good control) , we see this:

So since d = 100111, it could be represented as a pattern of hole-nohole-nohole-hole-hole-hole going vertically (or the opposite) or horizontally. BUT since we speak English and therefore start from the top-left, no matter whether writing horizontally or vertically, and there is a hole in that corner, holes are probably 1.

SO I LOOKED AT IT THEN I MADE THIS:

LOOK IT'S THE PATTERN WE ARE LOOKING FOR DERIVED FROM VERY VERY MESSY MATHEMATICS

TWICE

There is another 'd' in the code (second last) and we find it again on the end of this row!

So this means the letters are represented in six-digit binary and then put down vertically in rows of 12, with holes representing ones!

MATHS!

(bitch)

So uh this gives us 2^48 possibilities, which according to my calculator is about 281 trillion? That's a lot, but far, far, far less than everything in the universe possible. It's not even a rough approximation of infinity! So maybe the decks KNOW what you want to captchalogue? Huh.

Now to remotely important stuff!

well yeah maybe that would have been a bit easier and quicker if I'd waited a page and remembered about the 11111111 card with its perfect lines and its slightly smaller cylinder.

Welp.

I'm an idiot.

So the atheneum stores different totems so that you can easily get more if you lose them or something?

It's interesting how the MYSTERY THING has a question mark. DOes the game not know what it is?

And we need asterisk grist  for captchalogue, which seems kind of odd.

Maybe it's like in progamming? Can we  use ANY grist?

So we can!

I'm on a ROLL.

NO MORE SYLLADEX PROBLEMS HOORAY

Just look at how happy he is!

I'm happy.

He's happy.

Rose is happy.

You're happy.

WE'RE ALL HAPPY.

Except that annoying lugubrious fellow over there who insists we're all doomed.

Spoilsport.

Rose has got EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL.

John really is a cutie, isn't he. .-.

Dave is probably going to ironically assassinate Rose because of John thanking her.

Well, a hammer! All the better to violently assault you with!

NO ROSE THAT THING IS EVIL WHAT HAVE YOU DONE

THERE ARE TWO NOW

BADBADBADBAD

Chestslime is on the warpath.

He's got a new rival in Cal, you see.

(I'd personally side with Chestslime)

A rocket pack with a CINDERBLOCK, VIOLIN and POT in it?

Is that a thing now?

They probably sell them in IKEA or something

Hmm, the cinderblock is from Dave's room, the violin is Rose's, and the pot belongs to the... GARDENgnostic?

Huh. It probably symbolises how his FRIENDS restrict him and prevent him from FLYING AWAY TO HIS DESTINY

Will he have to murder them or something?

That would make me sad.

MURDER IS BAD, KIDS.

Death. Not even once.

Why does Rose have such a pathological desire to MURDER IMPS?

She probably views them AS HER MOTHER or something. How sad.

Her mother isn't *that* bad, and the imps are BREATHTAKINGLY ADORABLE.

YES!

12 SLOTS!

NO MORE SHENANIGANS EVER AGAIN

except from with the other three

John: Turn on "detect collisions".

how does this

why

who would type that

how can there be collisions

this is stupid

THIS IS AMAZING

I really love how Hussie takes the time to write out entire pages for single-panel jokes. It shows how much he *wants* Homestuck to be viewed as good. Or please his audience. Or whatever. 

Some of this imagery is amazing. 

I'll be the bastard lovechild of a listless octoroon if that kid wasn't the cat that swallowed the canary in a dapper little hat.

It's beautiful.

Hussie should write Noir detective novels.

YES.

This is very strange.

And very funny.

YES.

Huh! So this is like some sort of AND operator thing! Would this make some sort of unholy combination between a pogo and a hammer! A pogo hammer? A hammer pogo? 

I think the former might be ever so slightly more useful.

I wonder if we could do OR ones too. By punching a card twice? Hmm.

Oddly enough, this makes the PERFECTLY GENERIC OBJECT actually PERFECTLY GENERIC. Since it has no holes, an AND would simply result in more PGOs and OR would result in the non-PGO object. How interesting. :o

This combination gives us 126GH48G, using MATHS, and must always have less holes, I suppose.

YES. FEEL THE ANGER.

Why did she make so many, though? This is very silly. u_u

Oh my gosh is she flirting with John too

The hammer represents

John is popular with blond-haired children, it seems. .-.

BOW DOWN IN REVERENCE AT THE MAJESTY OF THE ALMIGHTY POGO HAMMER

Give it your praise.

Is this John's TIER 2 weapon then? WITH HIGHER ATTACK STATS?

This will be invaluable for any future Strifes he has, as the power of his enemies increases... Maybe he's slightly less screwed now.

I'm not crying, though.

It's not the WARHAMMER OF ZILLYHOO

Not nearly.

Okay, now I'm crying. T-T

SO BEAUTIFUL

Oh gosh what if this were John's next weapon

AMAZING

YOU GO GIRL

It's amazing.

He will kill everything. I can foresee it.

Damn you, Chestslime. Damn you.