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EPISODE 14: THE HARD PART

I remember writing my first post, saying that 22 weeks didn't feel like that long. I was wrong. 22 weeks is an eternity (hyperbolically speaking).  

But the rest of my life also stretches to infinity, but that's my own infinity. I was about to go all existential. I wrote a whole paragraph about what life is and then deleted it all.. thank me later. But to circle back into reality, my point is - if 22 weeks is a "forever," then how the fuck do I think I can keep this up for the rest of my life. I'm not perfect now and this is just a sample of time - a trial.

(hashtag) things that keep me up at night

Ok. So this is hard. Being healthy, for me anyway, is difficult. To be specific, being healthy for 22 weeks is hard for me. It's SO much easier to get food handed to you out of a window, ready to eat in seconds upon retrieval, versus (1) compile a grocery list, (2) go to the grocery store, (3) prep the food, (4) make the food, (5) then you finally get to eat HOURS later. And as a single person, with a demanding job, and a skeleton version of a social life, hours become precious.

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EPISODE 13: TRAINWRECK

I can't decide between a 5 car piles up with a fire-y explosion, firefighters at the scene OR a derailed train plus casualties. Not sure which metaphor I like better.

I thought I was in good shape; dang it - I was in good shape (priority wise). I was doing really well! I was consistently planning meals, crossfitting, keeping a manageable schedule. Then these past few weeks happened. These past few weeks have been like throwing my life's responsibilities in a Yahtzee cup and shaking them only to spill them out wherever they land.  

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EPISODE 12: JESSICA VS HER MATTHEW EFFECT

Well hello there Matthew Effect readers! Before I really get into my post I want to go ahead and say that this is pretty terrifying. If I had known inviting Ellen to lunch a few weeks ago to talk about this awesome new blog she was writing would lead to me writing a guest post for her, well, I made not have invited her. Just kidding….kind of. :)

Since she asked me and I agreed (I was drunk on a good lunch – I wasn’t thinking straight!) I have been thinking about this post a lot. My head has been filled with lots of thoughts like these -

“What in the world would I write about?”

“I have nothing figured out, why would anyone be interested in what I have to say?”

“I haven’t even come close to conquering my Matthew Effect, I don’t DESERVE to be writing ANYTHING”

You know, the usual self-doubt filled thoughts.

I even remember saying something along the lines of “But I don’t have a good before/after anymore Ellen, I have a before/after/now (which is creeping back up on before)” to her after she had asked me. I wish I could remember exactly how she responded to that statement because I’m sure it was wonderfully sarcastic but all I really remember is it had a “me either” involved.  And then I knew I had to do this because I remembered why I had emailed Ellen in the first place and why we were sitting there having lunch - vulnerability.

Before I get too much further into that, let’s take a quick trip back in time.

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Part 3: The Finale

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Part 2: Masterpiece Theater

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Part 1: Amateur Hour

We are ridiculous humans and we couldn’t keep it concise. Ellen broke our Q&A into three videos. Here’s the first because Tumblr mobile app won’t let me do all three at the same time.

If you’re bored, feel free to watch. Sorry in advance for the nonsense.

Spoiler Alert: someone gets slapped but I’m not telling you in which video.

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Ry and I are absolutely ridiculous and made a vlog. We asked questions. We gave answers. Someone gets slapped in the face. Check it out to find out who! Happy Thursday! Yay for vlogging! themattheweffect.squarespace.com/theblog #pandasandwildturkeys #facefive #singinginthecar #redlips #cleaneating #biffles

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Yeah buddy!

Last call!

Hey pretty people!

Ellen and I are doing our video Q&A tonight. Last chance to send us your nerdy, healthy living-related, and/or random questions!

Wooooo!

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Crossfit this AM with a PR on the push press! 80 lbs - feel like I should have pushed a TAD more. Def need to work on my push ups, but I'm proud of myself regardless. :) #crossfit #crossfitgirls #pr #themattheweffect

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EPISODE TEN: QUESTIONS

The Matthew Effect is all about remembering. More than remembering, really. It's remembering and believing. I wonder if some people are more resilient to it than others. Maybe they remember "incidents" that happened to them, but they don't let that become a part of them. Or, even more blissful, they don't remember the incidents at all. I was saving this epiphany for the end - but something I realized was that your negative Matthew Effects are literally only as strong as you let them be.

I like trying to figure how the world works. I enjoy trying to make sense out of life. It's maddening and wonderful all at once. I don't know how helpful it is though. Trying to figure out myself has never been easy. I find that what I value in life isn't always what I exude. It makes me question lots of things, like whether or not I'm the person I want to be. Sometimes I think yes, sometimes I think no.

This month has been a trainwreck for me. We're on day 23 and I will have slept in my bed a total of 9 times; my schedule has been so off kilter. I went on a BIG vacation at the beginning of the month to the Caribbean. I didn't work out, I didn't eat clean, but I did my best not to over-indulge. This past week, I've been house sitting for my parents in Fort Worth, babysitting the niece and nephew after I get off work until the wee hours of the night. Again, have worked out minimally and ate quasi-well. I'm at home tonight, but tomorrow I'm off again to spend the weekend in Austin where rules and structure fly out the window.

The big point I have is that I de-prioritize the time to work on myself every time something comes up. It's too easy to do! And here's the thing, I wouldn't change it. If my parents need my help, I'm going to give it to them. If I get a great vacation with some of my favorite people, I'm going to go. I feel fortunate because I feel very loved. I think my presence is wanted by most and that makes me feel good. But is the sacrifice worth it? Can balance be found between the two?  

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So excited for next week! Seeing some great questions! Keep 'em coming!

Video Q&A

Hey guys! 

Ellen ( themattheweffectseries) and I are going to do a Q&A video! The video will go up sometime next week…Thursday, I think. So if you choose to press play, you’ll likely see Ellen and I be obnoxious to one another and hear just how nasal-y my voice sounds (imo). 

I’m 12 kinds of nervous but mostly because Ellen has promised to “throw [me] under the bus.” Rude. 

While we are preparing questions for one another, we’re also asking for questions from you lovely folks. We’re certainly going to touch on some fitness-food-related things, but also how trying to live healthy has affected other things (work, friends, dating, etc). So what I’m saying is that your questions can  cover just about whatever you’d like. We also like silly things so they can be something totally random. Ex: What house would you be in Harry Potter? Who’s your favorite Doctor? Shredded cheese or queso on your nachos? Ellen, why were you afraid of the doorbell? What’s your favorite color? 

You know, those kinds of things. 

Your question(s) can be for Ellen, me, or both of us. Feel free to start submitting in the comments below or sending them to my ask! 

Bring it*, tumblr. 

*Except don’t be gross. We shall ignore you or respond with loads of snark. 

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efore I kick off into today's topic, I just wanted to say - CROSSFIT IN THE SUMMER IS SO HOTTTTTTT!

Yesterday's WOD for time (max 30 mins):

ONE ROUND 18 ab mat sit ups 6 burpees 24 dumbbell jump overs 3 wall walks TIMES 8 ROUNDS! In 10,000 degree weather. TIMES 8 ROUNDS!! I took all 30 minutes and did not give one flying F that I finished dead last.

I died yesterday. Luckily my new shoes came in and gave me super power strength to revive myself.

That is 100% completely off today's topic and I'm not going to give a preamble into it. Just jumping right in.

I DIDN'T SEE IT

I'm big now, but I use to be BIG. I weighed my heaviest in 2011. Again, as I've said before - looking in the mirror from my absolute heaviest to my lightest have been identical. It's not until I compare photos that I see the changes (which is why I've been posting so many photos of myself. Those photos are my 'mirror.' You should see how many photos I DON'T post. And brace yourself, a storm of befores and afters are below.) My body has changed so much over the past 5 years, if I compare the body I currently am wearing to old photos - I cannot match the photo to my size by simply looking in the mirror. It has to be photo vs photo.

I don't know why I couldn't see it or why I didn't realize how bad of a weight problem I had. My best guess is denial. It wasn't until I had undeniable, very factual based things, was I forced to see "it." My regular reminders of my size were my ever increasing pant size. I had topped out at the plus sizes and had no were to go. I didn't know what I was going to do if I got any bigger. Where do women find clothes that are bigger than plus sizes? Scales were always avoided except at the doctor, so my annual visits were always a tough pill to swallow. 

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So. I hit -30 pounds last week. Had it in my head I hadn't lost any pant sizes though. To defeat my own odd perception, I forced myself to go to Old Navy and try on new clothes today. Expected to be dissappointed and was pleasantly surprised to be able to zip and button clothes 2 sizes down. It's been about 2 years since I wore that size. Little tight, so I'm not letting myself fully own it QUITE yet but pretty good feeling. Incentive to work hard before the next paycheck. :) #weightloss #themattheweffect

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This week's weigh in is brought to you by #sharkweek, my favorite week of the year. Despite being on vacation in the Bahamas (and vacation from clean eating), I'm down 2 amazing and undeserved pounds. Totals 30 pounds lost since April 1. That's 225 Big Macs, if you prefer that conversion. Happy Friday. Happy Shark Week. #weightloss #weightlossjourney #weighin #themattheweffect

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Joining the #rockthecrop movement. Oprah's magazine apparently think only flat tummies look good in a crop top. So in protest, I wore this tonight and felt pretty damn good about it. In yo face, oprah.

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EPISODE EIGHT - by guest writer, Foley

SALAD? NO, THANKS. I DIDN'T GET THIS BODY BY EATING VEGETABLES.

- by Foley

Before I start, I want to thank Ellen for letting me write a post on this blog. If you had told me 5 years ago that I’d be writing anything about weight loss I’d have laughed you out of the building. Also, if you haven’t read Ryan’s post from a few weeks ago, go read it now. I had already worked out when I read it, but afterward I felt like going right back to the gym. Not only have both Ellen and Ryan been inspiration to me recently, but they’re better writers as well. I’ll prove it.

IT BEGINS

There was no inciting incident for me. As a male, it’s easier to get away with being overweight. Sure, there’s still the occasional comment or fun poked about your weight while out with the guys. I remember one time a little girl telling me I looked like a pregnant man. That’s the only one that really stuck with me. But by and large, it seems society has little to say about a man and his extra pounds. I took full advantage of my free pass and lived off pizza and beer. And what a life it was!

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EPISODE SEVEN: WHO DO I THINK I AM

I have waged a civil war within my self. It's going on at this very moment. Two sides of myself at odds. And let me tell you, it's not fun. It's hard. It's exhaustive. But if I need to conquer this whole weight thing, it's necessary.

I've mentioned before that my own self-worth is damaged. I've talked about how I need to be vulnerable and overcome self-hate. I haven't talked about my discoveries of this whole process yet. And I've had a few epiphanies.

I never would have thought that improving my self-image would help with weightloss. I thought the reverse; weightloss meant increased self worth. Chicken before the egg situation. Being heavy is an external, non-emotional problem. You eat too much, exercise too little, and gain weight. How do you resolve that, logically speaking? Eat less, exercise more, and lose weight. That's how I've tried solving my problem before. But not this time.

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