thenextbesttime

[thenextbesttime]

I'm a few days late posting this...very true to form. But, I have been making a conscious effort to not reach for my phone every time something happens so you know what....fuck that. I am posting this right when I'm supposed to. Yeah!

To preface this, I am the mother of a wonderful 6 year old daughter. She is goofy and spunky and very headstrong in the best way. I do my best to be the best mom I can be but as many parents know, the pressures of work, keeping up a home, and just general adulting can leave us a bit overwhelmed. Which inevitably bleeds into how we interact with our children.

In addition to this, I had what many people would call a difficult childhood and had to grow up fast. Couple that with parental figures who weren't always the most emotionally available or present...I don't have the greatest foundation of understanding what a "normal" happy childhood looks like. So, trying to give that to my own child comes with some challenges. But I keep going and get better day by day! Because in this house, we're all about breaking cycles and stepping away from generational trauma. ✊🏼

To get into it though...I chose 'yes' for a day. And it was so beautiful. Genuinely the best day I have experienced in recent memory where I laid my head down at the end of it and felt wholeheartedly GOOD.

We started our day at a local farmers market that had vendors and food trucks. And when my daughter begged for a shaved ice before lunch - I said yes. Usually I'd tell her no....it's too sugary, too messy, you need to eat something first (while planning our getaway before we ever made it back around) to avoid the inevitable sticky mess to follow. But not this time. I said sure, helped her flood the tiny cup with as many colors of syrup flavoring as we could, and she was over the moon. So simple. And even better...there was no mess that I had dreaded. Why did I worry about it so much?

Then, I took her swimming. Not one of those 'swim for an hour then you're done' kind of days. Or one of those 'you go play, mom's relaxing' kind of days. You know, where you stand at the edge of the water and warn the consequences of splashing you while you zone out cycling the internal mental load of motherhood instead of actually relaxing. No. This day....I played. Really played. I jumped in instead of easing into the water. I watched every twirl and trick she showed off for me. I let her splash me in the face without reproach and splashed her back for good measure. I swam underwater, carried her piggyback around and around, raced her across the pool. For FOUR HOURS. And honestly....it was FUN. Not just for her. I had FUN. WE had fun together. Why don't I do this more? Because I'm too old? Too tired? Don't want to get my hair wet?

Afterwards, we came home and I let her paint like she had been begging me to do all week. I tell myself it's too much of a hassle, I dont want to deal with cleanup, etc. etc. But I did it and you know what? It really wasn't. But in my head it always seems like such an ordeal so I tell her "not today" or "another time". WHY. She was so happy to just sit and mix her colors and paint at the counter while I made dinner. Why dont I let her do this more often?!?!

When she finished painting we had planned on going for a walk (bike ride for her) but it started raining. So I told her we would walk another time. But as I stood looking out the window I just thought...is it really gonna hurt for us to get wet? So I called her and told her to get her shoes on, we're going to go anyways. She was stunned. She kept asking if I was sure...she was so thrown off by this sudden disregard for the normal "rules" and felt obligated to remind me that I should put my usual kibosh on it. But as I herded her out the door her face lit up. And when I told her to ride through every single puddle along the way so she could make a big splash....man, it was like Christmas. And I damn near cried in the middle of the street watching how thrilled she was, squealing and laughing as she stuck her legs straight out and flew through those puddles. The ones I usually remind her endlessly to stay away from because she'll get muddy and dirty. I will never forget that laughter. I even jumped in some puddles with her for what, as far as I can remember, was the very first time.

I put her to bed that night and I didn't have that usual pang I get when I close her door of "I could have done better today". I was better. It was the perfect day. I know myself well enough to realize not every day will be like that one. But if I make an effort to have days where I lean into the fun of having a young child, the excitement of play and making a few messes....maybe she'll look back and have that warm fuzzy feeling about her childhood I so desperately want to give her. ❤

[thenextbesttime]

A photo dump of things I decided to stop thinking about and DO this week:

- The unthinkable: thinning out my book collection. As an avid reader and book lover this was something I've put off for literally years. But, my relationship with 'things' is changing and I came to the realization that I don't need to hold onto a mountain of books to show the world I love to read. No one gives a damn anyway. They'd look, say "wow, that is a lot of books" and that would be that. So, I kept the books I absolutely love, saved some that I'd like to pass on to my daughter, and saved a shelf worth of books I plan to read.

- I saved cucumber seeds (or, am attempting to). I have had some overripe cucumbers from my garden sitting on my counter for at least two weeks. I kept telling myself I was going to save the seeds but kept walking past them day after day. No more. I cut into those bad boys, scooped out their guts, and have them sitting in some water in the garage to ferment because Google told me so. Will report results soon.

- HYDRATION. I have begun drinking an obscene amount of water (see giant bottle below) and peeing more times a day than I can count. Still going strong. For health!!!

- Shameless harvest photo from my garden. This year is my second year of gardening and is a longer standing part of my journey to DO. For years I wanted to garden but self doubt and procrastination kept it from happening. But, nothing like the world shutting down to kick my butt into gear, right? This little harvest is small but it is a reminder of overcoming years of "I can't". I made those beans with dinner last night and it was a very satisfying moment of "Yes, I can".

- I am taking the dive into plant-based, vegan eating for health purposes and I am pleased to report that vegan cheese and deli slices are actually pretty decent. Yeah I know - I am just as surprised.

And not so much an update on my goals but just a moment of joy worth sharing: Standing in your kitchen naked at 9pm eating dessert in silence is good for the soul.

[thenextbesttime]

Like many of us, I tend to live in my head. Endlessly cycling through dozens of goals and ideal scenarios I wish I was experiencing.

Financial security.

Fulfilling creative outlets.

A body I feel confident and comfortable in.

A peaceful, organized home.

Regularly giving back to my community.

Traveling...more than once a year.

....so many things. All the things. I could daydream all day. The list is endless.

But after years of imagining all these things I've found that I'm not nearly as close to them as I'd hoped I'd be by now. My fear of failure, my crippling inability to take action, and the overload of all I want to do vs. my bandwidth to actually accomplish them has kept all my wishful thinking where it started. In my head.

So...this is my last ditch effort to claw my way out of my mental maze and start DOING. I have absolutely no clue what this will look like. To be honest...this will likely be a terrible blog. Boring. Mundane. Poorly curated. Rambling. But, I have to DO something. So here we are.

Let's see where this goes, shall we?