theoceanoflife - Tumblr blog

[theoceanoflife]

Fucking hell. This site used to be an island of peace and good vibes. What the fuck happened? Why are we allowing the hate speech that occurs here to persist? Fuck all of you. Goodbye.

[theoceanoflife]

Right. And my gray hairs in middleschool definitely showed that I was old and wise. Gray hair is not exclusive to elders

i think its cool that gray hair has nothing to do with the exact number of years but shows that someones an elder. like a dog might get gray hair at 12 and a human at 50.

[theoceanoflife]

I'm sorry you experienced that but banning fucking abortions is not the fucking answer here. Support for those who recieve one is absolutely necessary, just as support for thise who decide to go through with it is absolutely necessary. I'm not saying it's right, but 90% of the time this country operates on a "closed mouths don't get fed" basis. If you need help you have to fucking ASK FOR IT. Otherwise people assume you're just using the abortion as birth control.

aight y’know what FINE. I’m gonna make the damn post.

since roe got overturned y’all motherfuckers have done nothing but screech about “WELL WHAT IF YOU WERE RAPED WHAT THEN” & other equally shitty scenarios.

I was raped, and I got an abortion. I am part of that 1% of cases y’all love to use to prop up your bullshit arguments.

I did it without anesthesia. I drove myself home. I was numb for probably another two years after. when it finally did hit me, I was the most suicidal I had ever been and I stayed that way until probably last year. all total it’s been eight years since it happened.

the clinic I went to didn’t offer me help. they didn’t give me options. they didn’t have a post-op checkup. no one gave a shit. no one stopped my trafficker, no one found out, even my closest family didn’t even know until I finally escaped. it was just me, alone, throwing up in a trash can and sitting in post op until the dizziness went away enough for me to drive.

the fact that it was so easy for me to get an abortion by myself (even in a red state, no questions asked) made it easier for my trafficker to slide under the radar. because no one asked questions about why I wanted to end my pregnancy, he got away with what he had done. because no one cared enough to step in and stop me, he went on to abuse me for almost another two years. if someone had just given a shit, maybe I would have escaped that much earlier. maybe he would have faced more severe consequences. maybe I wouldn’t be so fucked up.

don’t you fuckers ever pretend you give a shit about people like me. if you did, you would have been supporting crisis centers, pro-life pregnancy centers, and places that actually care about the situations that women are in when they deal with unexpected or traumatic pregnancies. you would be encouraging pregnant women and telling them that they ARE strong enough, they ARE brave enough, that they are loved and they will be okay and supported and that having a kid will not kill their career or end their school life. you would be telling them that a disabled child, an adopted child, an unexpected child is not unworthy of life itself just because that life will be difficult.

on that note, fuck you, life will ALWAYS be difficult. but you can make it an enjoyable fight, or a miserable truce. you can spit the blood out of your mouth and stick a roll of dimes in your hand and hit back harder or you can lay down and let shit curbstomp you and swallow your own broken teeth. the difference is in how you step outside of yourself and into the lives of the people around you. the difference is in how you love, and if you actually love people, you will never advocate for their death.

stop using situations like mine to excuse your own cognitive dissonance. I’m sick of y’all’s shit.

[theoceanoflife]

A supreme court is kinda necessary in the long run imo. Reform the system by all means but if we're abolishing anything governmental we should be abolishing *everything* governmental

Abolish the Supreme Court.

[theoceanoflife]

That's not how you spell fey or fae

The fay realised its mistake the moment it ‘stole’ the human’s name, for it had inherited all of the crippling burdens that came with it. “No refunds, buyer beware,” the human simply said.

[theoceanoflife]

Sorry for the out of order posts there guys. If anyone ever follows me and reads back to the beginning

[theoceanoflife]

11/1/2020

Had a decent day hanging witg Ilene at my folks place. They're out of town for the weekend and we were watching the dogs. Started watching this is us and I hate it I can't stop watching or crying. I'm kidding of course I love it. My little sister got home and we had a really good conversation. We always do. She requested to hang out with me specifically without parents again and I'm laughing my ASS off about it. She was the first person I told I was trans in the family and she was really excited for me. Really mature for a 14 y/o. Then we went to Annie's place again and we've been hanging for a bit. After the parents got home of course

[theoceanoflife]

11/03/2020

Ella is thibking about admitting herself to a mental hospital. I don't blame her. I actually support the notion. But it makes me wonder when she'll think it's too deep to continue the break. I miss her badly. My heart is breaking thinking about what her kids are going through and what she's going through. I can't even imagine.

[theoceanoflife]

11/02/2020

Went to Annie's again. Ella got kicked out of her home. I haven't heard anything from her directly yet though, so I'm assuming she's holding herself tonher word one our break. I'm really worried though. I really love this and I don't what I'd do if something happened to her. Besides ajy of that though her husband almost struck one of their children. I might have to punch the guy.

[theoceanoflife]

We ended up going to pick up Lily because she was tripping on acid and her roommates weren't up to entertaining her through it. Lily by the way is my best friend's ex fiance. She deals pot. Good stuff too.

Anyway we took Lily to Annie's place (another friend we met through my best friend, Chris) and hung out until about one thirty before we ran her home. Got to bed in the wee hours of the morning. Left my phone at Annies haha.

10/31/2020

I decided to start writing a diary. I've beeen thinking about doing so for the better part of the last few years. I guess shit finally got deep enough again that I decided to give myself another safety net. A place to vent. To scream at the void. That's what this app is about anyway right? By the way I'll figure out a post schedule eventually. And I'm not using any real world names here just incase.

I'm depressed. Pretty sure I've got BPD or something similar. I'm tired. Yesterday my girlfriend, Ella, and I started a break and it's already really hard. I don't even know why. We kinda had to though, she's got kids (PLENTY of drama here, we'll get to that) and obviously wants to keep them. Her husband, (yeah yeah save it) Jay and their counselor think it's for the best. But I don't see why taking a break from our relationship would make things ANY easier on anyone *except* her husband. It certainly isn't going to save the marriage. They've been married for a few years, their daughters are adorable, and from the outside it almost looks like a good mormon marriage.

Except she's gay. As FUCK. She thought she was pansexual, but she'd only been with the one man, and had only recently come to terms with being attracted to women. They decided to give polyamory a try a while back, and had discussed their rules. Jay found this chick to start dating (ironically, my ex, and don't worry. She's too big a part of my past *not* to be discussed further eventually) She decided to fuck him, he went along with it because his idea of poly was "oh hey I get a family *and* all the sex I want whenever" and not "I need aditionally romantic, sexual, and emotional attention that my partner can't provide so we're going to see other people too."

Ella took issue with this. Especially because they didn't use a condom. Idk how the fuck she doesn't have any stds, but my ex can't get pregnant either, so no worries ultimately. Still. Not cool. Wrap it before you tap it dude you don't wanna bring a nasty surprise back to your wife. (or your best friend's cousin. Another time tho.) They also had specifically talked about him *not* fucking around in the early stages, but that's all he wanted to do so 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

Anyway. After a little less than a year it was time for round two, Ella's turn. For reference, Ella and I have known each other since middle school. My sister was one of her friends, and we played trumpet together in band so we had plenty reason to be close. We always had a thing for each other apparently but never had the guts to do anything about it. I even took her on her first date *ever* AND to prom "as friends." because she was mormon mostly. I had recently figured out I was trans (earlier this year I had my egg cracked) and had even more recently come out to her because I knew she was a "progressive Mormon" and would likely be supportive. I was correct.

She invited me to a group chat with two of her friends and her husband. Eventually Ella mentions she's looking for a gf. In the gc. Where there are two girls she's *obviously* attracted to. No one says *anything* it's painful how hard we ignored her. My heart kinda started beating faster though. She kept posting things like this periodically in the gc until I got the gumption to throw my hat in the ring.

I'd like to be clear in that I've only known I'm trans since about April. So I don't pass for SHIT. I didn't know if she was attracted to trans girls. I very much look like a boy. I was SHOCKED when she said yes. And so fucking excited. Ella's in cosmotology school so she can teach/help me with all the girly things I haven't had time to experience yet, had a bunch of old clothes for me, and is basically just the most supportive human I know.

We've been dating a little over two months now. And both of us feel a deeper connection than anything we ever have. This break isn't fair, to either of us. But she needs her kids, and I know better than to stand between a mom and her kids. So I'm doing everything in my power to help, even if right now that means being absent. I'm not ok guys. But I will be. We'll hear from Ella in a week to see *if* our break is ending. But I doubt it. The counselor said 4-6 weeks. I think the one week check in is just a consolation. Whatever. I'll make it. I just *really* fucking miss her.

P.S. thanks for reading! I don't care what you think, but feel free to share your opinions with each other. I plan on continuing this for the foreseeable future so stay tuned I guess

[theoceanoflife]

10/31/2020 pt II

Halloween party at Sandie's place. Got pretty drunk. Pretty stoned. I still really miss Ella. Apparently she was texting our friend Ilene. She misses me a lot too and doesn't wanna do another week of this already. But my dogs are with me at the party and Sandie's dog is both getting along well and helping boost my spirits.

Full moon is nice. I like being outside even if it is fucking cold. Nicotine helps marginally. Thank the gods Ilene is such a kind soul. She bought me a pack of camels. She also offered me molly, but I decided my mental state was not the right state to be in the do it.

All that said Halloween has been nice. Or samhein (I think is how it's spelled) for the pagan friends. Sandie dressed as the blink 182 nurse and we're listening to the album. It's all a pretty good distraction from my deteriorating mental state. I really need to find better meds. And a therapist. Might update later too

10/31/2020

I decided to start writing a diary. I've beeen thinking about doing so for the better part of the last few years. I guess shit finally got deep enough again that I decided to give myself another safety net. A place to vent. To scream at the void. That's what this app is about anyway right? By the way I'll figure out a post schedule eventually. And I'm not using any real world names here just incase.

I'm depressed. Pretty sure I've got BPD or something similar. I'm tired. Yesterday my girlfriend, Ella, and I started a break and it's already really hard. I don't even know why. We kinda had to though, she's got kids (PLENTY of drama here, we'll get to that) and obviously wants to keep them. Her husband, (yeah yeah save it) Jay and their counselor think it's for the best. But I don't see why taking a break from our relationship would make things ANY easier on anyone *except* her husband. It certainly isn't going to save the marriage. They've been married for a few years, their daughters are adorable, and from the outside it almost looks like a good mormon marriage.

Except she's gay. As FUCK. She thought she was pansexual, but she'd only been with the one man, and had only recently come to terms with being attracted to women. They decided to give polyamory a try a while back, and had discussed their rules. Jay found this chick to start dating (ironically, my ex, and don't worry. She's too big a part of my past *not* to be discussed further eventually) She decided to fuck him, he went along with it because his idea of poly was "oh hey I get a family *and* all the sex I want whenever" and not "I need aditionally romantic, sexual, and emotional attention that my partner can't provide so we're going to see other people too."

Ella took issue with this. Especially because they didn't use a condom. Idk how the fuck she doesn't have any stds, but my ex can't get pregnant either, so no worries ultimately. Still. Not cool. Wrap it before you tap it dude you don't wanna bring a nasty surprise back to your wife. (or your best friend's cousin. Another time tho.) They also had specifically talked about him *not* fucking around in the early stages, but that's all he wanted to do so 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

Anyway. After a little less than a year it was time for round two, Ella's turn. For reference, Ella and I have known each other since middle school. My sister was one of her friends, and we played trumpet together in band so we had plenty reason to be close. We always had a thing for each other apparently but never had the guts to do anything about it. I even took her on her first date *ever* AND to prom "as friends." because she was mormon mostly. I had recently figured out I was trans (earlier this year I had my egg cracked) and had even more recently come out to her because I knew she was a "progressive Mormon" and would likely be supportive. I was correct.

She invited me to a group chat with two of her friends and her husband. Eventually Ella mentions she's looking for a gf. In the gc. Where there are two girls she's *obviously* attracted to. No one says *anything* it's painful how hard we ignored her. My heart kinda started beating faster though. She kept posting things like this periodically in the gc until I got the gumption to throw my hat in the ring.

I'd like to be clear in that I've only known I'm trans since about April. So I don't pass for SHIT. I didn't know if she was attracted to trans girls. I very much look like a boy. I was SHOCKED when she said yes. And so fucking excited. Ella's in cosmotology school so she can teach/help me with all the girly things I haven't had time to experience yet, had a bunch of old clothes for me, and is basically just the most supportive human I know.

We've been dating a little over two months now. And both of us feel a deeper connection than anything we ever have. This break isn't fair, to either of us. But she needs her kids, and I know better than to stand between a mom and her kids. So I'm doing everything in my power to help, even if right now that means being absent. I'm not ok guys. But I will be. We'll hear from Ella in a week to see *if* our break is ending. But I doubt it. The counselor said 4-6 weeks. I think the one week check in is just a consolation. Whatever. I'll make it. I just *really* fucking miss her.

P.S. thanks for reading! I don't care what you think, but feel free to share your opinions with each other. I plan on continuing this for the foreseeable future so stay tuned I guess

[theoceanoflife]

10/31/2020

I decided to start writing a diary. I've beeen thinking about doing so for the better part of the last few years. I guess shit finally got deep enough again that I decided to give myself another safety net. A place to vent. To scream at the void. That's what this app is about anyway right? By the way I'll figure out a post schedule eventually. And I'm not using any real world names here just incase.

I'm depressed. Pretty sure I've got BPD or something similar. I'm tired. Yesterday my girlfriend, Ella, and I started a break and it's already really hard. I don't even know why. We kinda had to though, she's got kids (PLENTY of drama here, we'll get to that) and obviously wants to keep them. Her husband, (yeah yeah save it) Jay and their counselor think it's for the best. But I don't see why taking a break from our relationship would make things ANY easier on anyone *except* her husband. It certainly isn't going to save the marriage. They've been married for a few years, their daughters are adorable, and from the outside it almost looks like a good mormon marriage.

Except she's gay. As FUCK. She thought she was pansexual, but she'd only been with the one man, and had only recently come to terms with being attracted to women. They decided to give polyamory a try a while back, and had discussed their rules. Jay found this chick to start dating (ironically, my ex, and don't worry. She's too big a part of my past *not* to be discussed further eventually) She decided to fuck him, he went along with it because his idea of poly was "oh hey I get a family *and* all the sex I want whenever" and not "I need aditionally romantic, sexual, and emotional attention that my partner can't provide so we're going to see other people too."

Ella took issue with this. Especially because they didn't use a condom. Idk how the fuck she doesn't have any stds, but my ex can't get pregnant either, so no worries ultimately. Still. Not cool. Wrap it before you tap it dude you don't wanna bring a nasty surprise back to your wife. (or your best friend's cousin. Another time tho.) They also had specifically talked about him *not* fucking around in the early stages, but that's all he wanted to do so 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

Anyway. After a little less than a year it was time for round two, Ella's turn. For reference, Ella and I have known each other since middle school. My sister was one of her friends, and we played trumpet together in band so we had plenty reason to be close. We always had a thing for each other apparently but never had the guts to do anything about it. I even took her on her first date *ever* AND to prom "as friends." because she was mormon mostly. I had recently figured out I was trans (earlier this year I had my egg cracked) and had even more recently come out to her because I knew she was a "progressive Mormon" and would likely be supportive. I was correct.

She invited me to a group chat with two of her friends and her husband. Eventually Ella mentions she's looking for a gf. In the gc. Where there are two girls she's *obviously* attracted to. No one says *anything* it's painful how hard we ignored her. My heart kinda started beating faster though. She kept posting things like this periodically in the gc until I got the gumption to throw my hat in the ring.

I'd like to be clear in that I've only known I'm trans since about April. So I don't pass for SHIT. I didn't know if she was attracted to trans girls. I very much look like a boy. I was SHOCKED when she said yes. And so fucking excited. Ella's in cosmotology school so she can teach/help me with all the girly things I haven't had time to experience yet, had a bunch of old clothes for me, and is basically just the most supportive human I know.

We've been dating a little over two months now. And both of us feel a deeper connection than anything we ever have. This break isn't fair, to either of us. But she needs her kids, and I know better than to stand between a mom and her kids. So I'm doing everything in my power to help, even if right now that means being absent. I'm not ok guys. But I will be. We'll hear from Ella in a week to see *if* our break is ending. But I doubt it. The counselor said 4-6 weeks. I think the one week check in is just a consolation. Whatever. I'll make it. I just *really* fucking miss her.

P.S. thanks for reading! I don't care what you think, but feel free to share your opinions with each other. I plan on continuing this for the foreseeable future so stay tuned I guess

[theoceanoflife]

Congrats. You just found my diary. Please be gentle