theoncomingstrm

[theoncomingstrm]

Family

I know that I have always had a rough time when it came to family.

My mother is selfish and only cares about herself. My father has never really participated in my life. I only really got the start to know him when I turned 18. I always hated my mother for keeping me away from my dad’s side of the family, and I have made great strides to getting to know that side of the family. It’s fucked up, and difficult at times to deal with them, but they’re family.

My father is at it once again with the 3 kids he does live with. My 3 youngest half-siblings, and one I am unsure is even really related to me, but we consider her family. Craig Jr., Rachael, and Nathaniel.

My aunt and I are going to the court hearing on the 23rd. Maybe it was a blessing in disguise that I never really knew him for a majority of my life. Just learning about the tip of the iceberg about what those kids endured... and I’m sure that more will be revealed in court...

More to come...

[theoncomingstrm]

The end of an era...

It amazes me, to think that I had such an attachment. To feel fully free, and have the opportunity to love again. To feel something, and not be burdened by the what ifs.

No more.

I will love freely, and know that I can do this.

No holding back. Giving it my all.

No more will I allow anything in my life that doesn’t make me feel something. My priorities are key. My wants matter. My heart is good. Damaged, but it still works.

I want that one of a kind love that stands the test of time. The kind that simple things curl my toes, kisses that give me butterflies, when his fingers touch my skin, I want to be able to hear him smile. I want him to be obsessed with making me happy. Because I can do so much more for him when I’m happy. I want his toes to curl and yearn for my touch when he sees my name on his phone.

My next relationship will be my last. Wether it works out or not.

Deleting my dating profiles, (yes all of them) was necessary.

This is the end of an era. No more excuses, no more settling. I want what I want.

[theoncomingstrm]

My mother can go to hell

Apologies for grammatical errors, and any punctuation errors. Was written in the heat of the moment.

Now before everyone reading (if anyone at all reads this) this gets all up in arms, there is a huge backstory that I will go into.

My mother has never been a good mother.

My parents divorced when I was around 9 years old.

My mother met Joe when I was 10, and engaged when I was 11. She thought he was the greatest thing to ever enter her life. This is when things started going really wrong. He never displayed kindness towards my sister and myself, we were these things he had to deal with, and we were never treated as children. And she never acted as my mother, you know, defend and protect them with everything you’ve got. She just let this new man in her life take control and just run her, and her children’s lives. Her children were no longer her priority. Her new man was.

When I turned 13 (sister was 8 1/2), I was constantly never good enough, neither was my sister. I felt we were unwanted in her life. She did the bare minimum, and claimed herself to be a good mother. Ha! That’s a laugh.

I had to lie about where I was going to be, if I wanted to see my father, grandmother and grandfather on my dad’s side. The way she reacted to my visiting family, when she inevitably found out, was as if I was off doing drugs and having sex. I don’t recall how old I was.

I moved out when I was 18. As soon as I could.

Because of the way she interacted with her boyfriends, she never showed me what a healthy relationship is. But that is for a whole different post.

Joe berates my mother, he is controlling, he is the worst kind of person. Because he doesn’t let her be HER OWN PERSON. If they are not together, he is calling every 5 mins to check up on her. He has her terrified of everything that’s normal. I am almost certain that he is cheating, but my mother can’t fathom that. But that’s not the worst of it.

The following is a screenshot from my sister’s phone.

My grandmother needs diapers, and instead of our mother asking for my sister or I to kindly pick them up to deliver them, she demands, and gets nasty when we don’t have enough gas in our tanks to get them. She washed her hands of my grandmother’s situation years ago. So she refuses to help her and if she does by some miracle it’s at less than bare minimum.

Friday, my mother allowed her fiancé (oh yeah, still engaged, never married... for 23 years) to cut her children and grandchildren (sister’s kids) out of her life.

My mother never cared about the needs or well-being of her children. She never heard us out when we were having a problem, she only ever talks about Hawaii and her stupid dogs. She never had kind or supportive words to say during my cancer scare. She never once said, I’ll go with you to support you. The only words she uttered were “it’ll work out.”, to her child that could possibly have to go through one of the worst possible things imaginable.

I am envious of good families. I am envious of those families that care for their children and provide, emotional support and even financial support for them because they love them, even well after they are supposed to.

I am lucky to have my sister, and my dad’s side of the family.

So now my depression is back full swing.

[theoncomingstrm]

Songs and other things...

It’s amazing that you can forget certain songs exist. 

Today the Pandora station we were playing starting playing Snow Patrol’s chasing cars. I forgot how much I LOVE Snow Patrol. And then that got me thinking about the song and how I first began to like Snow Patrol. Reminiscing about the lovely gent that called me out of the blue saying “I JUST heard this song, and it made me think of you”. He was a nice gent that good ‘ol Pete. I genuinely miss his chats. I guess his wife finally won out in the whole he can’t have female friends war. I was a casualty. I’m sure he fancied me, but the 3,000 miles that separated us guaranteed that we would only ever remain friends. The last chat was a little over 6 years ago. Now I wonder when they are going to be in town.... The answer is not for a long time. :( No US tour dates in the next YEAR. Oy Vey!

Today was sooooo busy. But in the last hour I have been hard at working on my budget. I need a good $800 to get myself squared away. That would get rid of my two tiny cards, and then those payments could be worked into my other payments. so I can pay this bullshit off quicker. More on this later.... and with two cards gone, I could absolutely be a little more comfortable. I have a reason to be more productive and a reason to fight harder for my goals to reach them faster. I have been too relaxed in getting there....

[theoncomingstrm]

Interesting read. I thought it was just me having difficulties reading the book I am currently still working on. 400 pages usually wasn’t a problem before. I could knock out the book in a week reading only on my lunch breaks.

Now it’s 6 months since I bought the book I’m reading, and I have made barely any progress. 

[theoncomingstrm]

This would be majestic

There should be a “day without light pollution” in which businesses pledge to turn off their lights for a night so we can see the stars.

[theoncomingstrm]

4am thoughts

What have I become? I guess my thought processes were correct.

Is this what it feels like to be used? To only mean one thing to someone?

“Needing me” what a joke.

Once again, promises have been made, and go unfulfilled. I hope they know that this directly effects them too.

Do they realize that my mental state is fragile? That depression is just a click away? That the thoughts of despair, and worthlessness run rampant through my entire soul?

I know I am a good person, and I know I have a good heart. But knowing that I can’t stop myself from being good to people when they “need me”, only to be cast aside until “need me” again.

If you can only compliment me, e.g. “you look amazing” when you need something, i know it’s not sincere.

No matter what YOU think of me as, if there aren’t the basic necessities of what I need, having been in my life for an extended period of time, and knowing what you mean to ME, it doesn’t matter.

It is a relationship built on quicksand. And in a way, I understand now. To a point. I’ll never quite fully be able to understand the other’s thought processes of why THEY did what they did. But I know my mind. And it’s getting to the point of there has been some damage done.

I can be a stable ground to help someone up. But that foundation cracks and gives way when I am neglected.

I know I’m not perfect. I have mental issues. I am very self conscious about them. They have to be handled in a loving manner. And when they aren’t, that’s when I get hurt.

Yes, panic attacks and anxiety and depression are all looped under the mental health umbrella. Because once I spiral into this low, I can only wait out the storm. But it was much easier to weather the storm when I had someone by my side that understood. That knew the look in my eye that screamed for help, and knew that laying in bed and cuddling made the storm bearable. Because I wasn’t alone.

Now, I face soul wrenching turmoil, and it’s laughed off, you don’t understand the pain. And while I know I’m a basket case... acknowledgment that you think i am, makes me not want to tell you things. Because I already feel crazy. I need the caring arms that wrap around me and hold me tight. I need the caring texts.

I need to be able to tell you things and have you respond. And not just let me feel like my pain is falling on deaf ears. Or dodged as easily as it has been. Because my lows don’t last forever. But it sure as hell gets better if you nurture it.

I didn’t think I need to lay out what I need when with one it came so easily.

I didn’t know that I’d miss “good morning beautiful” so much.

I never felt like Love was pointless until now. It’s not worth it. And the love that is, well... I had it once.

I have come to realize that I give what I need. If I need understanding, I’m more understanding. If I need loving on, I’m more like that. If I need to be held, I hold on tighter. If I need loving on, I love harder and I pull out more tricks to satisfy. If I need spoiling, I spoil harder.

But the hardest to understand from my brain is when I need to feel loved by someone. I can’t reach out to them. I can’t quite convey my pain into words. But oh boy can I paint you a picture with my tears.

[theoncomingstrm]

For once, the other day I wasn’t the one who started this chain. I physically watched their brain say “WTF?!”

Person: hi, how are you doing? Me: good, you? Person: good, you? Me: good, you? Person: good, you? Me: good, you? Person: good, you? Me: good, you? Person: good, you? Me: good, you? Person: good, you? Me: good, you? Person: good, you? Me: good, you? Person: good, you? Me: good, you? Person: good, you? Me: good, you? Person: good, you? Me: good, you? Person: good, you?

[theoncomingstrm]

What is happiness?

I’m not sure I know anymore. I’m not sure I know what makes me happy. And I’m talking the long lasting kind of happy. This is truly a new low. I mean, I know in the past what made me happy. But that isn’t possible now. I know what makes me temporarily happy, but I can’t keep doing that. And I’ll go broke if I shop. Speaking with someone the other day, they reflected back exactly what I have been going through. And in clarifying what they meant, it made me realize that’s exactly how I have been feeling.

[theoncomingstrm]

Anxiety

It’s more than the occasional anxious feeling...

Having anxiety for me is exhausting. It comes and it goes. It doesn’t stay away forever, though I wish it would. Telling ANYONE about it feels like a complete burden. They don’t deserve to see/hear the things my anxiety is lying to me about. Having anxiety is wanting someone to talk to you about your anxiety, but not wanting to be a burden and tell them that that is what you need. It’s forever this game of contradictions within your own brain.

I want to talk about it, but I don’t want to bring down anyone’s mood.

I need someone to be able to have the finesse to give me hard truths in a loving manner.

I want someone to care enough to ask, but at the same time, I don’t want to put any burden on them. Or complicate their lives in any way.

Maybe its time to see a therapist. 

[theoncomingstrm]

A sure thing... NOT

So I’m not sure why this is making me laugh. Maybe because it’s so predictable of J to do this.. I gave up getting my hopes up of rekindling anything. Because I can predict his movements. I can predict his thoughts. I know him too well.

So many times I ran back to him only to get hurt later down the road. My psyche can't take it anymore.

Does not rekindling things hurt? Yes. But only because I’m human. Because 4 ½ years doesn’t just disappear over night. So of course there are feelings there. But I have learned my lesson. He has to want to change for himself, since changing for me didn't do the trick. 

He was my everything at one point. He was my soulmate. And I knew that from the moment I laid eyes on him. But wether he is feeling the same, it doesn’t matter. Because he is treating me like I don't matter. 

He always said he wanted a family like Carlos'. Well he could have had it. But he threw it all away. He always longed for someone else's life, instead of the amazing one he had.

[theoncomingstrm]

Dear Diary

This is laughable in a way. 

You offered to talk about my most recent anxiety attack. But then you blew me off. This is the second time in a week you’ve blown me off. Thank GOD I didn’t 100% believe that you were changing. I knew there was a chance you were lying again. But I held out for a slim sliver of a chance that you were going to try and be there for me. Yeah, that was a joke.

But that’s ok. I will be moving on from here. And it looks like I will be ok.  For me ok, is all relative due to my anxiety and whatnot.

[theoncomingstrm]

Despite what my father would like to think, I’m not just a rock and roll girl. I do love my ska! Want to see them live later this month so badly... Maybe as a belated birthday gift...

I didn’t appreciate the Toh Kay concert back then as much as I would now. *sigh* 

[theoncomingstrm]

Why can’t life and dating be easy?

....and like that, J wants me back in his life. But this time I feel like I am smarter. I can see the bigger picture. This is only going to happen again. I am only going to continue to get hurt. I can't do that to myself. If he wants me back, there are MAJOR changes that need to happen. And not with me. I wish I could say that I didn't see this coming. I wish I couldn't predict his movements like a chess player. But I can. But this time, I can be smarter about the moves I make. I hate that I can’t turn my feelings off.... 

I am coming to realize that I need someone that can handle my anxiety plus (panic attacks, anxiety and depression). This is so important, because my anxiety sometimes is brought on by nothing at all. It takes a Molotov cocktail to my most stable thoughts and emotions. It shreds all of my sanity and hands it back to me with a needle and thread, laughing as I piece back together the remains. This is also very difficult, because I need to be able to know at all times that everything is ok, that nothing is wrong, and that he isn't mad at me for any reason. This is very trying and very off putting for someone that is just coming into my life. It gets tiresome very quickly.

It’s sad for me, because I literally have to wait to see how someone new reacts to my mood. And usually it’s met with them running in the opposite direction (for which I don’t blame them). Currently my track for those NOT running in the other direction is 3 1/2.

[theoncomingstrm]

Fleeting thoughts

*sigh*

Sometimes I have the greatest idea for this blog. A topic that I can run with, something that can evoke emotions on any front. I had it. I was doing a bit of physical journaling. It feels amazing to watch the ink flow onto the paper. To be able to run your fingers over your words, and feel the impact of your words. There’s truly nothing like it. But then the idea for here was just gone. I really hate my brain sometimes.

It’s been ages since I have really journaled. I just all of a sudden really enjoy writing again. Good thing I’m obsessed with journals, and have like a million of them. This journal I’m calling 2018. I don’t know where it will take me. But 5 days in, and I’m definitely considering it one of my resolutions.

[theoncomingstrm]

Which way is up?

There is a moment when you don’t remember which way is up. You see the light at the end of the tunnel getting smaller instead of bigger. Promises go un-fulfilled. And the stress of that doesn’t make ANYTHING easier. 

I’m destined to be alone. I’m forever destined to push everyone away. There is one that I wish I could have constant contact with. But alas, my personal problems shouldn’t ever hurt anyone else.

The drama that now fills my life, is terrible. I hate drama! I want my life to start again. I want to have a place to decompress. I’m feeling like an awful human being. How did it end up like this? Thank you depression, anxiety, and the now rare but ever present panic attacks. They are destroying my now nonexistent dating life. I have pushed all those that care away. And it’s forcing thoughts to come back into my head that i pushed out a while ago.  I want to talk like we used to. The mutual understanding. The laughs. The comfort.

I’m not that easy to deal with. I know this.  I’m not sure anyone is going to ever be able to handle the mess that I am.

[theoncomingstrm]

My life... on hold.

I am so tired of my life being put on hold. Granted, family is everything. BUT I have to cancel all plans, and take care of Grandma. I love her, but my life and plans matter too damn it.

I’m tired of the anger, I’m tired of the toxic environment. I need out. I need to live my life. I’m sick of the unwarranted anger over NOTHING.