thepeanutbutterkat

[thepeanutbutterkat]

[thepeanutbutterkat]

[thepeanutbutterkat]

I love this man so much

I love

That I can tell him something has set off my anxiety

And he comes rushing to my door to hold me

I love

That I can say my stupid jokes,

And he can't help but grin

I love

That he goes out of his way

To show me how much he cares

I love him

And how he makes me feel:

How empowered

How strong

How confident

How bold

How loved

I love him.

[thepeanutbutterkat]

Fuck being a good person.

I'm tired of being taken advantage of constantly

[thepeanutbutterkat]

When will you

Stay out of my dreams?

Stirring up nightmares

And bad feelings?

I'm trying to move on

And make my own life.

Please stop haunting me

I want to be done.

[thepeanutbutterkat]

Do you talk to your therapist about me

The way I talk about you to mine?

Do you see my face pop up on media,

And cringe at every choice you made

Do you wonder why I stopped letting you in

Right before I decided to change my life

Do you think about the power you had over me

Before my brain was anywhere near understanding

Do you realize that your abuse

Will have a part to play in every relationship I have for the rest of my life

Do you know that I physically recoil

Every time somebody calls me by that damned nickname

Do you consider that you were once my savior

And now, your name is a scar that I resent recalling

Do you think of me

As often as I think of you

Do you hope I'll come back to you

Like I hope to forget you?

[thepeanutbutterkat]

Sometimes

My fingers itch

With the urge to send you a message

To ask about the mundane

How is work

How is life

Did you get the mail

What's for dinner

Could I have my stuff back

And then the deeper

Why don't you reach out first

Why can't I be your friend still

Was I only worth sex

Do you want me to give up

Why do you tell me one thing and do another

Are you trying to forget me

Is my stuff helping you somehow

And then I remember what my therapist said.

I put my phone down.

I look at the photos hanging on my wall.

I reread the letters I've kept.

I glance through our texts, the ones that hurt. The ones I keep in the locked folder that I don't want to open anymore.

I call my mom, my sister, my boyfriend.

I read my diary entries.

I look at my apartment.

I cry.

I hurt.

I write.

I hear your voice, your venom.

I lie in the bath in the dark.

And somewhere along the way, I remember that I am supposed to be healing from my wounds. That includes you.

Sometimes I get angry.

Sometimes I get sad.

Sometimes I feel stupid.

Sometimes I wish I could go back.

Sometimes I feel hurt.

Sometimes I feel paranoid.

I want closure, but I think that the process to get it would hurt more than just letting it slip away from me slowly. Letting me slip away slowly.

A drop of rain,

A foggy day,

A clouded memory,

A muffled sound,

A whiff of scent,

A whistle of wind,

A chirp of a cricket,

And I'll be gone.

Will you hold onto the shards of me you used to know? Even when it hurts?

[thepeanutbutterkat]

[thepeanutbutterkat]

I had so much anger today.

"It doesn't all have to fall on you."

Really? You want to try claiming that after about. 12 years or so of it all falling to me?

We've done this test. If I don't do it, it doesn't get done. If I don't pick up the slack, nobody will. And there are certain things that have to get done. If I don't make contact, nobody does. If I don't reach out, silence surrounds us.

Our mother deserves a 50th birthday party. And if you're not going to pitch in, out of your own volition, it's going to fall on me. It always does. So, don't act like this was a choice I got to make. I can't fucking stand letting down our parents. If you find it annoying that I'm taking so fucking initiative then you need to reconsider what really matters to you. You can't claim its family when you do Jack shit for them.

I wound myself up so tightly that I started to cry. My rage was coursing through my veins, and all I wanted to do was scream and hurt and lash out. I wanted to explode. I wanted to cause the same pain I was feeling. I wanted an outlet. I wanted damage. I wanted revenge.

And he held me. He saw the tipping point. He wasn't fazed.

And he held me.

tight.

He washed my hair and my body because I didn't have the energy. He brought me dinner and kissed my head and cuddled me, and let me talk out every single thing that was upsetting me.

My aunt. My sister. My dad. My childhood. My therapy. My boss.

It all rushed out like a storm. and there he stood, holding me, listening to every word and wiping my tears. He defused the hurt. The explosion incoming was nullified.

And When I was done, he got out a pen and paper and got to work helping me sort out my hurricane brain. He was patient and kind as I bounced from one thought to another to another and back again. He held me the whole time, his touch soothing my racing breath. We went over the math and the lists, and I finally feel like after everything today, I have two feet on the ground again. I feel ready to talk to my sister and deal with my aunt and clean my home, and prepare for this weekend shitshow. I feel ready for this whole month.

Tonight, He was my sounding board. My rock. My calm. He was the logic brain to my anxiety brain. When my anger slipped through, he didn't react with harshness or pain. He didn't act like my feelings were burdensome. He made me feel like someone worth listening to.

He makes me feel safe. He makes me feel important. He makes me feel loved like I never have been before. He calms me. He understands me. He supports me in a way I didn't know I needed. How has he become so vital to my life in such a short time? He tries harder than anyone I've known.

[thepeanutbutterkat]

How do I grieve

Who I never got to be?

How can I mourn

The child I never was?

I lost out on so much time

Can I really find something to fill the gaps?

Who am I really

If I'm not taking care of others?

In the end,

Why didn't anybody see me?

[thepeanutbutterkat]

You know what they say; when life makes you sad, you sit in the bath

[thepeanutbutterkat]

Can somebody please surgically remove the hormones from my body? Thanks.

[thepeanutbutterkat]

I am a ball of period filled rage and I'm out $15 worth of ice cream because I made a stupid mistake. The world can burn at my feet.

[thepeanutbutterkat]

I told him tonight.

After we cooked soup, and joked with his mom, and watched back to the future 2. After I cried from laughing so hard because of ice cubes. After we lay in his bed for hours talking. After we moved tires and got ready for bed and rambled our ramblings to each other. After we went outside and found the northern lights.

The northern lights.

The first time that I've been able to see them since I've been back. The piece of home I've cherished since a child. We hopped in the truck and drove down different streets, hunting the best view of the lights so I could get a picture. He stayed up much later than he should have so I could feel that little piece of joy that feels like home.

We sat under the lights until they faded into the night sky. Then we sat under the stars. My heart was so full. It felt so right. I've been saying it quietly outloud for over a week now. Whenever we hang up the phone. Whenever he leaves my apartment. Whenever I kiss him goodnight. I have been trying to get up the courage to say it to his face. I was going to write him a letter full of my feelings. I was going to send him a poem. I was going to yell it from my balcony.

And in that moment,

Under the gorgeous night sky,

In bedhead and pajamas and peace,

I told him. I poured my heart out.

Opened up the doors, ready to take whatever he will give me.

I love you, Brennan.

[thepeanutbutterkat]

This man is healing parts of me that he didn't even break. I don't feel like a burden to him. I don't ever feel like I'm an inconvenience. He isn't ashamed of me. He makes me feel heard and sexy and safe. We can laugh until I'm crying, and my snort makes him laugh harder. He goes out of his way to spend time with me. He communicates what he's feeling and is completely open and receptive to what I have to say, even if it's completely bizarre. He's so fucking kind and understanding and good. I want to spend all my time with him, even if we're just sitting in a comfortable silence. He heard me pour my heart out about everything I've experienced this last year and fucking thanked me for it. He thanked me for giving him some perspective and trusting him with the fragile parts of me.

He picked me up when a tiff with my neighbor made me anxious so I wouldn't have to be alone. He drove in a blizzard to get me from work, so I didn't have to walk in the snow. He took me grocery shopping and actively checked all the ingredients to make sure nothing had beef so I wouldn't be sick. He drove an hour across town so I could go to a romance bookstore.

Fuck.

I think. I love him. I am in love with this man.

I love his cheeky smile and his dimples and his perfect jawline. I love his eyes that look like the deepest swimming pools. I love his smile and how red his face gets when I fluster him. I love how he randomly comes to me for physical affection, no matter who we're around. I love how he flaunts my hickeys like a badge of honor. I love how excited he gets about his models and his collections. I love watching him talk about his passions. I love that he's doing well in school. I love that he's actively making me a part of his life and wants to be a part of mine as well. I love how he understands my bond with my family and encourages it. I love how he snores and how warm he is. I love that he lets me cuddle up until I'm completely entwined so I can steal all his warmth. I love the care and concern he has for my body and my health. I love how he tries to take an interest, even when I'm making no sense to him.

[thepeanutbutterkat]

I can check THAT off my bucket list ✔️

This is a week of firsts I suppose. If anyone needs me, I'll be putting my legs up until the feeling returns to them

[thepeanutbutterkat]

Life works in mysterious ways.

It wasn't infrequently that I would cry and panic at night because I felt so desperately alone in this world. Everyone felt so far away, and I didn't want to bother anyone with my existence.

Now I have a man who calls me every night so I can hear his voice before bed. He plans dates days and weeks in advance. He researched my bleeding disorder after our first meeting. He keeps me in the loop and fills me in so I don't get worried. He remembers my hyperfixations and took me places that cater to them. He wants to know me.

My heart is so happy, and I think my brain is in shock.