therealmaeve - Tumblr blog

[therealmaeve]

What comes next?

Honestly, I can’t find the proper words on how should I interpret my feelings into words. I keep on typing and deleting; typing and deleting, until I realized I formulated this paragraph. 

I have been missing in action for a couple of months or maybe a year... I always find writing fun and exciting yet very heartbreaking. Now, as I open up a new topic and decision that I am not sure about, I hope, I can get through this.

The day after tomorrow, I’ll finally start the year of being a senior. And I can’t fathom what will I be in the future. Future is so near however why is it so hard to reach and see. I am too pressured of what will happen next. I can’t decide properly on what and which path should I take upon. 

I lack in everything--and it’s stressing me out. I’ve been holding up since then and the thought of I never tell this to anyone breaks my heart so much. It’s only me from the beginning and maybe until the end.

Battling up with depression is never easy. It is full of sadness I am not sure where is coming from. I onced told my mother about it but in a wrong and unexpected way. They won’t understand because it never happened to them and I don’t know, my mind is haywired, I am confused, I am pressured, there’s a lot of unanswered questions. I always wanted to come up to them, be brave enough but my fears is coming up their way.

It is wrong, I know. But what can I do? 

Another thing is when it sinks to me, when everything is messing up bigtime, the thought of killing myself horrifies me. I am scared... I am so scared. 

It affects me so much--everything.Thinking of the circumstances that’s happening now, I completely don’t know. I am really scared--I know I should ask help but it also scares me. 

What will comes next after today?

I can’t just give up now that I’ve come so far, it’s not too late. I just have to focus and get things back together. I need to take my time seriously, rest all my questions and get back to it as soon as I have a decision.

Listening to music as I am typing bottled up my tears. I look a putrid right now nevertheless I still am finding answers. 

This is the answer and I am meeting my answer right now, I am sure I will never go wrong this time because this is the right thing I should have done years ago.

[therealmaeve]

        --I had some fun with these two beautiful creatures on earth, they may or may not read this but I am way more blessed and thankful because I have them in my life. Without them, I am not here, standing confidently. They encourage me of who I am and what I can be someday and voila! I’ve been through a lot and no matter what happened to any of us, I believe MMA will always be MMA. 

[therealmaeve]

---uncertainties will always lead our minds if we let them rule us. there may come a time that problems devours our hearts and minds, that we always forgot to know and find what reality means. that each day we battle on how we will figure out things on our own, our life; of what will be our purpose and goals. it's a very tough part as we grow but life is life. life is a wheel. it is a never ending questions. it is a never ending cycle of living unless we die. it is a continuation. whether we fall or rise, it is us who will decide if we will continue the life He gave us. never overthink. never let demons rule your whole you.

[therealmaeve]

Confidence where art thou?

I believe, a couple of weeks ago, I did a not so good blog post about my depression. And as weeks passed by, something changed, a lot actually.

I am writing this blog because I know people out there feels so little about their self. I know the struggle because girl, I’ve been through that and basically sometimes I am feeling that still and right now I feel so shy.

Although, I have different social media accounts from Instagram, Twitter, Tumblr and hey I even have a youtube channel. Which you all know it’s either I posted a lot of photos or tweet about how dramatic I am in life or how I do my trashy videos. What matters to me is, “Am I happy?”

Yes. I am. But sometimes, being the way that you are is not enough, I guess. Why did I say that? Probably, the way people criticized you the way you posted things, the way you communicate, the use of words, everything.

Some would say, “you don’t have to mind what will people say, it doesn’t matter.” but let me ask you this, “Is it really?”

You may not know, I am a very awkward person, I see things differently, my opinions are very critic and you could sense the sarcasm. Indeed, I have a different perspective in life and I don’t see any reason why people should judge me and so the other people who feel the same way.

When you feel alone, when darkness envelops you, when you feel awkward, do you ever feel being one person you wish you could be?

When you all ever think was your insecurity about yourself.

When you all ever think is “why am I still here?”, “why am I keep on standing when shouldn’t.”

Why?

Because you believe in yourself. because you know to yourself you are confident enough to be who you are.

It runs in your veins. So why not feel confident?

Each day, you’ll ask yourself, “where’s my confidence when I really need to have one.”

It’s in your heart. You just have to believe.

Believe, that “Oh I can do great things. I can post a lot of pictures in Instagram everytime I wanted, I can tweet everything, whether it’s a drama tweet or fangirling tweet or a happy tweet, I can do and film and edit a lot of videos anytime and upload it on youtube, I can do my makeup without minding what will people say, I can write blogs and stories with all my heart because it’s my passion, I can do whatever I want because this is my life.”

Just know that once you entered the life in social media, expect the unexpected.

And of course, you should never forget that there are people out there who will love you endlessly, who will stay by your side no matter what, your family, your friends.

Accept and love your flaws.

Be an inspiration you can be.

One will always bring you down, and letting yourself to feel down was the least thing you should do.

And if so, then accept their opinions, learn to take risks.

Lastly, never forget that there is someone who’s always watching us, someone who will always cheer us up, someone who will stand right next to us and whispers, “you can do it.”

Oh, I put these pictures because why not?

❤️❤️❤️❤️sending all hearts❤️❤️❤️❤️

[therealmaeve]

you just have to put a lot of confidence in yourself, even if people keeps on bringing you down.

[therealmaeve]

Depression hits like a bitch

Please... Please tell me, if this life is worth living.

I may speak rude words, and I am not sorry for that. Why? Because it is the only thing and the best thing to do, for me to divert what’s the feeling inside. 

Have you ever experience, sitting on the floor as the water drips in your body and see it as blood? 

That is what I feel. I felt so tired from everything. 

And what’s worst? You can’t tell people what you are going through, because:

First, they have higher expectations and being depressed would be a way for them to shout at you and belittle you. I tell you this because I felt this.

Second, they won’t understand what you are feeling. Because possibly, they might not give a damn on you and heck, there are loads of problems and thinking of your problem sucks for it is too easy that snubbing it would be the best thing to do.

Third, people around you don’t care about our friggin life.

Fourth, as if they would be a big help. I mean they will probably blame you for what you’ve done in your messed up life.

Depression hits me like a bitch.

You see, I am not that girl who has this biggie dream or goals in life. I am lifeless.

I’ve been experiencing this depression since I was in 6th grade. People wouldn’t know and so my parents, because why would they care? 

Everyone loathes me.

I decided to kill Maeve Ortega a long long long time ago. And I don’t know if she wants to have this come back or nah. She decided to leave this world because she kept on asking everyone if this life is still worth it. If this life is worth fighting for.

That even asking prayers from everyone and/or most of the days she kneels down to pray won’t even work. 

I am way too depressed to think of what’s going to happen. I started not to think because I know, tomorrow, I’ll be dead. I won’t breathe. I won’t hear the arguments. I won’t battle another day. I won’t fake a smile to show to people that I am fine.

Because all in all, I don’t think people cares. I receive almost every single day a hate message, from relatives. 

Funny how life is. 

I am such a stupid girl... stupid girl.

That almost every day, every night, whenever I’m closing my eyes with full of bloody tears, I am wishing that maybe if I fall asleep, there’s a higher possibility that I won’t breathe.

I am so trashy...

I want to disappear.

And if the world gave me a new day, I wish I could be stronger.

    --but who the hell am I kidding? I will never be strong.

I am just... tired.

I am tired.

I'm just so tired of this. My body is tired, my mind is a mess. I just really want to lay in bed and never get up. I am broken to the point, I’m thinking of suicide.

If ever, I wish there’s this person who is strong enough to face me and my fears, that this person won’t be scared of me no matter how I shooed them. I just wish someone could read my messed up mind so I won’t be alone. So I don’t have the need to tell everyone why am I like this. So I won’t burst out in tears whenever I try to speak and open up. 

But is there someone who can do that? 

Everyone’s so busy to messed up my life until one day they realize that I am so done with my life, that I can’t get up anymore, that I am nothing but a disgrace as what my family said.

So please, tell me, tell me if this life is still worth it.

it’s not that I need the pity.

I need help.

I need help from people if ever there is.

I need someone whom I can share my tears with. 

And maybe I’m just too desperate for attention.

I am lost.

I am a girl who needs attention.

The attention that anyone can’t just give.

And because of that, I self-pity myself. 

I learn how to distant from others.

I learn how to protect myself even just for once.

Even if the voices keep on killing me, if someone will say “Believe me, it’s worth fighting for,” then I will try my best to keep my depressing thoughts away.

[therealmaeve]

We all are beautiful. And asking one person, “how to be yours” is quite not good for me. Well, I am not bragging I am one but like what I’ve said, we all are beautiful. 

I believe we have different traits that makes us who we truly are. We all are peculiar. We may have traits that other people don’t. But it does not really matters. 

If we want to be someone else, we should do it because “I want to change for myself.” We should do it not because of ‘FAME’ or maybe it’s ‘ON TREND’ or maybe that’s what other people say.

No. 

If you believe in yourself, that’s what true beauty means. 

If you believe and have the confidence to show people what and who you are, then that’s what true beauty means.

[therealmaeve]

I open myself for the first time

March 24, 2017

From the title itself, yes, one of the things I never thought I could ever do. I know, I haven’t did my blog for the past months because I am so depressed with all the things that’s happening in my life.

I don’t know if I will be happy enough or will choose sadness, i really don’t know.

So, during our Science subject, our teacher requested to space free the classroom, and “The floor is yours, you can open up yourself, thoughts, emotions, we will listen.” she said.

The first one who owned it is a friend and she said things so fast. and blah blah blah...

Anyways, the second classmate who open himself made my heart stumble and stoic, and no, i don’t like him or what, it’s just that I understood his side about the circle of friend he has and even though people keep on backstabbing him, he never did those to them, he even said he loves the squad and will miss them.

*skip the 5 people who said their thoughts*

I was taken aback when someone called me, and said it’s my turn now. 

My hands are shaking and I hardly couldn’t breathe properly, i feel so suffocated but I have to face this and tell what are my thoughts before our moving up ceremony happens.

I told our teacher what I like about her teachings that sometimes I feel so tensed when I always see her. And all is done for that.

Everyone kept silent when I did not talk, I am trying to compose myself, because anytime soon, I know I will cry.

And I started... Told them with my voice shaking, Being a president of our classroom is really hard, I get all the blame when my classmates did an idiotic thing. I all take it. Even if it really hurts a lot, what can I do? 

From the hates I always receive each single day, from the time when I can’t control my anger anymore, from me being bossy on everything. I told them all. From my family, on how I got depressed, on how I almost gave up, on how I used to close myself to people because of bullying when I first transferred in a public school. I started crying.

“I am never used to this open forum because it’s my first time opening up what my sides are, and i admit too, I never talked to my parents about what’s happening to my life, I don’t have the guts.” and I shook my head. 

“I am happy somehow because maybe in this classroom 5% only are true and loves me.”

After that long speech, it was the first time I ever felt so light about the people around me.

Our teacher gave an advice which I accepted whole heartedly. I am so touched with what she said, and I surely will miss her.

after the so-called-open forum, I am shocked that people came and were all crying. Some said their sorry’s and I just smiled at them, hug them too, that it’s fine. 

I am not that open so this will be treasured. I forgot to tell the good times our section and I shared. 

The next time we will have this, I promise, I won’t cry. 

I may always tell people I’m not gonna miss our section, but I will miss them so bad. 

To all 10-Diamond, may we treasure our little moments for the last 10 days. I love you all so much.

and oh by the way, I started uploading videos in my youtube channel: Maeve Vlogs

[therealmaeve]

Life

[therealmaeve]

I'm back at nothing.

[therealmaeve]

I

I have loads of insecurities. I am not perfect. Everyone loathes me. Everyone despise me and when I say everyone, even my parents are.

I’m probably lying if I say I don’t want a perfect family. A family that helps you to build your own confidence, a family that no matter how big your problems were, you know they are always there for you. A family that supports each member. A picture perfect family. But in my part, I can’t have this perfect family because of me.

Indeed, I blog about things that can uplift your strength, motivate, inspire but why can’t I apply that to myself?

I don’t want everyone to pity me. I need help. I need someone who can listen to me. I need someone to save me. I need someone whom I share all my problems. I just need a mother. A mother who’ll stay by my side, listen to my whims, fangirling, everything… My mother hates me to death, it’s like I’m a burden. She hates me. And I cry everyday. Last week was the happiest of my life, my mother forgave me. And I was just happy. But today, it all went back to 0. I am nothing again.

I know she’s hurt because she’s crying but I am more hurt. I always tell people, if you hurt me, I’m fine with physical. Because wounds heal not the words that hurts me emotionally. I am done. I am freaking done.

I almost killed myself. I am depressed. I have a serious dilemma in my mind. No one knows. No one tries to save. And I pray, even though I cause too much pain to everyone including my parents, I will never get tired saying sorry. I may not say it vocally, but really I am. That it’s okay if I die, but let my family live in peace and just don’t mind me. If that will happen, I will be much more at ease. I always love you Mama. I always look up to you. But again, since you’re treating me this again, I will try to be at my best. I will try. I maybe tired of proving myself but I will do it again. I know by this time, I can’t call you again Mama but, Ma'am would do like you always wanted. I am not a girl with big dreams, I’m a trash. But I just wanted a family, a perfect family.

[therealmaeve]

I'm done with my bulls. All the love.

[therealmaeve]

I always wonder what would it be like if I haven't met you. WillbI continue crying for the pain I caused to myself--bu cutting wrist so the voices would stop? My mornings are never good as these sky but the moment you stepped into my life I know--I realized something. Something that made the whole me rattles from happiness. /M.O/

[therealmaeve]

'Us' against the world.

[therealmaeve]

Part of me feels so sad. I really really want to write and it's my dream to be a great writer someday so I've been into competitions from essays or journalism. And last October 12 I was in APOlympics to be the representative of our school of course in essay writing. I actually don't have any idea why I was into that I mean I am reserved and competing in science for Investigatory Project. So that day of competition I never felt this unsaid nervous. The topic was Given and it's about Teenage Pregnancy and Population Education. It was a good topic so I am confident on what I write. I wrote all the things I know fluently. I was still shaking but you can't actually see it in my face. I'm good at hiding. Anyways, if I'll not win then it's my first time ever that I'll lose. When awardings came, a loud thump of my heart and I sweat in own chair. They all call the winners and sadly my name wasn't called. I almost teared up! But I just remain my composure into a great one. My coach hugged me and told me it's all fine. But no, I am not. I feel so down and I'm sad. I just can't move on. One thing I've learned, if ever you lose in something you always want then never give up. It's always it but try and do still. Make your hopes up high and never stop achieving what your goal and achievement is. Goodluck to me next time! I know it's still sad coz like I said first timeI didn't won in essays.

[therealmaeve]

Rise and shine lovely! It's a good day to start working out and focus on studies. Tell everyone how pretty and handsome they are just like my morning. No enemies or some kind of negativity. Filled your heart with love not envy.

[therealmaeve]

#PerkinspiredTour

It was a scorching hot morning when students went wild as this two guys visit our school. Their first visit in Bulacan particularly. The guy who wears black named Christian Perkins and the red one is Jesse Perkins. These two boys are actually fraternal twins (it’s obvious though) Anyways, I was on my training for a competition and let’s begin my good story in here.

Since I was hearing a large noise in auditorium, well believe me it’s too loud. But then, I’d stop in principal’s office because I have to talk to a teacher and was a little been taken a back because the guy-- I mean he’s gay, went wild. These two guys came out on that principal’s door so, yeah. Am asking myself who are they and why are they here. They went to stage and talks. Introducing their names and saying this is part of #PerkinsTour they first sing Drag Me Down and I *screams* One Direction!! 

Oooops not to mention I went through the halls and my feet guided me near the stage. All girls are pushing each others and I on the other hand, looking for my classmates which is luckily near the stage! 

I kind of laugh the moment these two boys do some dance moves as they sing the song and smile so wild. Though kind of hate some girls because I almost kiss the floor. (thanks whoever you are guys) I mean why do they have to push each other right? bruh. Back to reality, after they sing of course the students went wild. 

I started to listen. Real advocacy why they are here is to motivate students who’s been reckless I mean unwise to what future they may face. Anti Bullying mainly, Anti smoking, Anti use of illegal drugs, and any other Anti Vices. While everyone’s still shouting there I was listening, I thought it’s a great way too. They asked some questions and asked “Who are single here?” omg. I whispered to myself. Everyone raises their hand. But me? well I don’t I remembered Luke Hemmings and he’s actually my husband. 

Anyways after that they sing a song I feel like it’s “Ikaw Na” an original. and promotes the album. STUDENTS PARTICULARLY GIRLS WENT UP TO STAGE. Hugging Jesse and Christian. Gash I almost faint when they sang Heart Like Gold (sorry, I forgot the title of the song) and freaking Christian points at me and was like pointing at myself too. 

When they finish their talks and some picture taking with the teachers, Ma’am Kath announced per section has the chance to have a picture with them. Of course students went wild....ALWAYS. I just consider them, I mean I feel like it’s the first time they ever seen a good looking men and they’re not fangirls like me but no just no.

Our section was first called, my classmate Ella almost tripped as she runs the stairs, seriously. While me? Okay fine just go with it. 

We had a picture. My classmates hug them and takes some pictures, solo. Question pops in my head if ever they do have a spotify account so I asked Christian. 

*shakes hand*

Me: “Hi perhaps do you have any spotify account so I can listen to your songs?”

Christian answered but ELLA JUST SCREAM. Oh gosh, I wasn’t able to hear him. thank you.

but Christian, came closer to me, 

Christian: jejaajbazkaai akak

yes. that’s what I heard like what I said Ella freaking screams, louder.

so It’s done. I went to my co-Writers Eshban and Dada. I’m pleading to them. Because they’ll interview Perkins Twins, dude it’s the chance.

When were beside the stage, I approach their mom named Tess.

“Hi *shakes hand* it was nice meeting you po. Kami po ang mga journalist dito sa school.” she smiled and me and replied. “Hi. You can interview them later after the session.” I smiled.

I told Eshban that she answered me English and I talked to her in Tagalog. Well sorry too much occupied.When Sir Maverick asked us to went inside the principals office we acknowledge it right away. They actually say hi! Geez. But they’ll eat first. So we went out.

Afterwhile, someone called us. I’m nervous, though I know how to speak english still we never know what will happened.

Jesse changed his shirt first and he guided us. The three of us shake their hands and again, introducing their names.

(I don’t know if this is what Eshban and Dada said)

Dada: Can we interview--

Jesse & Christian: Yes sure! 

Dada: Were actually the chosen one in journalist to have an interview with you Sir. 

We finally take a seat. I first talk.

Me: So before anything else we would like to introduce ourselves, my name is Maeve Ortega.

Dada: Erlinda Roque

Eshban: and Eshban Blasco.

We started the interview by the first part, Dada ask them about personal infos. Like what I said they are fraternal twins and both are 22 years old.

They talked and smiled but more like Jesse is the one who speaks more.

Me: What can you say about the Anti Bullying campaign? You guys first sing Drag Me Down.

Jesse answered whole heartedly. Believe me the moment he look in my eyes, his luminous dark eyes, thick brows I swear I died a bit seconds lol. 

He invokes to love one another, never hate since it’s no good. Bullying is not a whole thing to do instead we should lift each other up. They were motivated and inspired to tell youths that they shouldn’t do wrong things. There will always be consequences if you do the wrong things as what they said.

They shared some moments of them during school life in California that never and will ever did take some drugs, alcohol nor cigarettes and never experience being bullied. 

Telling students to basically do the right thing study and focus, do not feel the wrong thing. Also they are working out with DepEd.

So it’s the moment to asked them personal question!!!

(it’s my part)

Me: Can we asked you some personal questions?

once again, they said yes

Me: Since your mother is a filipina is there any chance or possibilty that you’d choose a Filipina to marry or be with too?

SDFGHJKL They smiled so bright and answered yes saying Filipina’s are so beautiful and some stuff.

I whispered to eshban that I’m so kinikilig!!

moving on. what’s theyre fave local idol and it’s Gary Valenciano and other some stuffs. It was so fun!

*looking at them*

Me: I actually asked this to you *looking at Christian*---

Jesse: why don’t you asked me?

Me: *laughs* because you’re too busy. So I asked you if you do have a spotify account and I wasn’t able to heard you so is there any?--”

Jesse: Yes we actually have it’s PerkinsTwins but the songs there are only tagalog.

He talks about how kind of regretful? since their originals are not on it but then I said it’s fine.

some talks and talks and talks the room filled so lively not minding were having a conversation with them.

Me: Uh another thing can I ask something about my fangirling stuff?

*they nodds*

Me: I’m a fangirl actually and by chance do you know 5 seconds of summer because I so much love them!

Christian: Yes we do, their songs are good.

Me: What’s your favorite song of them?

Jesse just smiled so wide!

Christian: you mean any songs?

good Lord Jesse is smiling at me.

Jesse: We like more on Timberlake songs. 

I ‘ooooh’ that time and smiled wide. I’m weird. So too many questions was asked and can’t forget that moment. I love them both and I’m listening to their songs right now. It’s all good since it’s an originals.

We took our photo with them and I’m embarrassed since my faced is 101% messed. 

We ended up this, all smiles and it was so fun talking to them, their advocacy on inspiring youths and students.