therealslayla

[therealslayla]

Who else has Bipolar disorder 2? Or PTSD? Or Severe Anxiety? *nervous smile*

[therealslayla]

Lonely darling

Nobody really talks about how lonely you can feel when your disconnected from things you love and was once so passionate about. How lonely you can feel having a partner, and friends but yet still feel so alone even with them. How you no longer are intune with your selfcare, self practice, your way of being you tending to you. You stop pouring into yourself, but what caused it? So much. Is it we begin to feel lonely when our cup is empty? Or do we begin to feel lonely when we are pouring into everyone elses cup and now theres that brief moment when there is nothing left to pour back into your cup? Its very beautiful yet painful how the human bring can work, and how much is controlled by it or what can affect it. If you set a routine for yourself for months or even years your brain and body becomes custom to it, but the moment you get a new job that doesnt align with it, or meet new friends that schedules arent yours then you start compromising but then it throws your routine off track and then the brain becomes overstimulated and the body is now confused. Anything little mishape, or wronging can cause a major corruption/breakdown in the kingdom (the brain), causing everything else to eventually fall down. I wonder why when we do feel so alone, we feel sadness? But even when others are there we still feel the same sadness but now its even more noticable, you begin to feel guilty for even thinking that way, you begin to question if you are the problem and just dont know how to live and be and happiness was never a emotion of yours, you just fooled yourself over the many years with things like shopping, gaming, gossiping with friends, watching movies, anime, masking it with makeup, content/influencer ideas, isolating yourself, drinking, partying, even using relationships to feel that void, thats still a void. Sometimes its so empty but also feels so loud, its so dark but so much attention is on it. When you finally start feeling better or back to "yourself", it feels as if a part of you has disappeared or died during the process, like your body went thru a spitriual death. Why are we more comfortable venting online in many different ways (depending on talent) then expressing it in person. Why is it easier to be yourself with strangers, then with people who known you for years? Is it the judgmental eyes and looks they given overtime when you were being yourself and finally peeling a layer back and you caught them? Was it the way you expressed your emotions and your partner would dismiss or deflect them, making you seem too sensitive or dramatic? Was it the growing up with parents who werent emotionally available? or parents who was abusive, and neglectful? Why as we get older the questions become alot more, the pain becomes immunity, the healing becomes annoying and too much to bare, the loneliness becomes so visible its no longer lonely because everyone can see it, except no one cares to acknowledge it. Why is it when your all alone you can type this, and express this on a saturday evening, with your two cats watching you and your dog sleep in his kennel? Why do i feel lonely with such beautiful things? Why do i feel lonely while having a partner i live with, sweet loving cats, and a dog, and good aqquaintences, and a job. Yet i still feel so incomplete, yet i want to cry, scream, run away, start over with a new idenity, why is it that no matter what i do this feeling of loneliness finds itself hitting me throughout the day. Why is it that im so lonely it keeps my brain up and active even when its supposed to be resting and having my body carry all the sorrow and stress of it? Why am I my biggest critic?

[therealslayla]

Ugh, nobody talks about how hard it is dating a Male LEO sun, with aquarius moon, and Virgo venus smh.

[therealslayla]

Enlightenment Failed. Try again? YES / NO