theregularwriter

[theregularwriter]

lotusthewriter -> theregularwriter

[theregularwriter]

You're Steven Universe. There's no cure for that.

Fandom: Steven Universe Rating: T Relationships: Steven & Lars Characters: Steven Quartz Universe, Lars Barriga; MENTIONED - Greg Universe, Sadie Miller, The Cool Kids etc. Summary: “But you don’t want to be alone.” It’s not a question. Lars knows the truth. “No,” Steven confirms. “But it feels inevitable at this point.” Word count: 2.414 AO3

TRIGGER WARNINGS - suicidal ideation, underage drinking, hallucinations (possibly psychosis though not intentional)

DO NOT SHIP STEVEN AND LARS. P/roship DNI.

--

After the cheery potluck with Lars, Sadie, the Cool Kids, and Dad (as the manager of the band), the night has grown silent. If not for the crickets and Lars’ drunken laughter.

Steven is tired and drained from the party – or perhaps he was drained from the very beginning –, but somehow, he makes Lars laugh like never before. Then again, his friend is drunk.

Sometimes, Steven is tempted.

Tempted to drink.

Because you can at least laugh. You can feel more upbeat. More sociable. Steven was admittedly not very up to the party; he only came so he could see his friends and his father one last time before their tour. Either way, Steven has promised himself, and Dad in a way, he would not drink until he’s 21.

...

Steven raises an eyebrow as he analyzes one of the bottles on the table. This one is a white colored bottle. It is lemon-flavored. So, it’s like... lemonade? But in a beer-shaped bottle?

Lars seems amused by Steven’s interest.

“Wanna try?” The former asks.

Steven shrugs. “Yeah, why not?”

He opens the bottle rather easily, not needing an opener like the actual beers. Steven smells it. It’s odd. But there’s lemon indeed. With that, he takes one sip...

“... Blergh!” Steven winces. It might taste sweet but it’s so bitter, too.

Lars snorts. “Ah, first time trying alcohol... Little tip, though”– he takes a sip of his own –“you might try just swallowing it without savoring it slowly. It’ll taste better.”

Steven looks at the bottle again and follows Lars’ advice. It’s like his throat burns. But it does swallow better this time.

“Hm,” Steven snickers, not knowing what to conclude.

“At least it’s not beer, right?”

“Right. Beer smells.”

“Cheers to that.”

Steven and Lars do the famous “clink-clink”. He remembers when he and Connie pretended to be fancy and to drink adult stuff like wine – when it was just juice.

Now they’re grown. And now Connie is going away and he’ll stay here.

...

“Hey, why the long face?” Lars observes.

“Oh. Nothing.” He’s supposed to be fun, not sad.

“You look tired. Being principal of a school for aliens ain’t easy, huh?” Lars smirks.

Steven sighs exasperatedly. “Definitely not.”

“Having to be nice and smiley all the time really takes it out on ya.”

“I know,” Steven agrees, drinking more.

“I mean, I know you’re the boss, but—”

“Yeah, but they love leaving everything to me, and then they get mad when I don’t do things right.”

“That’s—”

“Shitty, I know.”

Lars laughs, genuinely surprised. “Was gonna say ‘uncool’, but that works.”

Steven continues the rant, “Somehow, I’m supposed to be more mature than those thousands of years old aliens.”

“Damn.”

A few seconds later, Lars leans closer to Steven and whispers, “You should sneak out sometimes. Go wild.”

“What?” Steven laughs this time. “You think a Diamond could just disappear and leave everything to everyone else?”

“Well, your mom kinda did that, right?”

“I am not my mom.”

Suddenly, Lars stops laughing all together.

...

“Sorry,” Lars finally says.

Steven sighs. He feels like he should apologize too, but he only says, “Don’t worry about it.”

He takes a bigger sip – so much so that he has ended the bottle.

So, he takes another one.

“Hey, take it easy,” Lars warns, but doesn’t really stop Steven.

“It’s fine, I feel great.”

Lars doesn’t lecture Steven, but he remains cautious.

Now, it’s quiet.

“I’m so great right now, nothing matters. Everyone is leaving and I’m doing *burp* great!”

Steven tries to see something. Any colors, light, life. He tries to feel any sort of joy thanks to the lemonade. But he gets nothing. Maybe Steven should drink more.

His head won’t feel light. He won’t feel happy or laugh at any dumb little thing like Lars does. Steven doesn’t feel better. He can’t focus on anything else other than the growing leak.

“There’s no point,” Steven vents, regardless of the fact it isn’t working. “Doubt I’m gonna make it to twenty-one. Or dare I say eighteen.”

“AAAAAlright, buddy, that’s enough.”

Lars takes the bottle – Steven, ironically enough, doesn’t try to stop him.

Even then, he still begs, “Wait, let me finish it—”

“You’re gonna get sick if you keep drinking like that. It’s your first time, too—”

“I just- I just want to feel something.”

“It’s not gonna help – it isn’t helping.”

“What? Now you’re gonna pretend you don’t drink to be happy?”

“I’m not happy because of the alcohol, Steven.”

Steven doesn’t argue anymore. Because he knows Lars is right. And he won’t explode at his friend, either. Steven won’t glow pink and cause major destruction.

No, instead, he sits there and does nothing.

Lars removes the other bottles while Steven tries to hear the crickets. They’re gone. They were killed. Steven must’ve killed them, even though he didn’t explode. Maybe Steven took away the stars, too. He must have absorbed all the light and euphoria so it might save him. Now the sky is black pitch. A big nothing.

He does this to people.

He has healing powers, but all he does is take life away and leave nothing behind.

The more Steven blinks, the darker everything becomes.

He’s not meant to be here. He shouldn’t exist. He shouldn’t exist.

“... Steven. Steven?”

Lars is talking to him. He put something on the table, in front of Steven. What is it?

“You’ll be okay,” Lars tries to reassure him. “Try to drink some water, okay?”

Water?

No, he doesn’t deserve it. He’s killing everything. He killed Lars once. Why does Lars want to help him?

Lars leaves.

... Briefly. He’s grabbed his chair and now he’s sitting in front of Steven.

“Hey,” the pink-skinned teenager calls him. “What do you see?”

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

“... You. I-I see you,” Steven describes. He hates that he’s looking at the scar slicing Lars’ right eye.

“I see you too, Steven.”

Lars must be trying to ground him. Steven isn’t sure what’s going on anymore. But Lars seems surprisingly calm about this. He’s certainly survived a lot.

“... Do you see the stars?” Steven asks him, curious.

Lars looks up. “Yeah.”

“I can’t see them.”

“Really?”

“Did I do something to them?”

“No,” Lars answers without any mockery in his tone.

“Then why did they leave?”

Lars takes a while to reply, likely trying to make sense of whatever Steven is saying.

“I’m... not sure. But you didn’t do anything wrong, Steven.”

“But they must’ve left because of something I did, right? How am I going to bring them back?”

“Steven—”

“I drove them away, Lars. If they show up to you but not to me, then I did something wrong!”

That’s the only intense emotion Steven feels. Confusion.

Then...

Acceptance.

He doesn’t even cry for the long-gone stars.

“I know I’m not... being good lately,” Steven admits.

“What do you mean by that?”

“I’m just... too angry all the time. Everyone is getting sick of me. The gems told me not to return to Little Homeschool until I was better. I was losing patience with some students. Like, they were pretty mean and immature, but I’m supposed to be better, right? Hell, I got through the Diamonds, but not those gems? Anyway, Dad didn’t find out because he’s been too busy with the tour, and Connie hasn’t visited or called me in a while. But maybe that’s better for them. I’m not good to be around them right now.”

Lars listens without saying a word.

“And what am I angry at? I’m not even sure. Maybe I’m just tired of everything, maybe it’s all too loud and nobody shuts the fuck up, so I get really, really mad. I know that’s terrible. I know I’m getting in the way. I’ve tried everything to get better, but it’s hopeless! I won’t feel better,” Steven vents. “I’m trying to be alone, so no one gets hurt.”

He looks up again. Still no sight of the stars.

“Lars,” Steven begins, “was I ever good, to begin with?”

His friend replies with silent heartbreak in his eyes. Yet he doesn’t lose composure.

“I’ve made so many friends and connections... I’ve united two different worlds... But I’m not part of either. I may have parts of both in me, but I’m not fully in either world. And with these episodes of- explosive tantrums, I really am a monster, right?” Steven laughs hopelessly. “I’m a hypocrite. I know that. I’m always telling you, ‘Be yourself’, ‘don’t care about what other people think’, ‘you’re an awesome person and you deserve love!’... but the truth is, I don’t like me. I hate everything about me, Lars. Because I know who the real me is. This thing filled with anger and confusion that gets in the way of more important things. I can’t handle anything anymore. Maybe I was just pretending the whole time. I’m just one big fraud.”

...

“Here we are in the future... and it’s nothing. There’s nothing. I’m beyond repair. There’s no cure for me,” Steven concludes. “I’m done hurting everyone else, I’m done being a monster. I’m just... done with everything.” He pauses. “When I go... I’ll make sure no one else is around.”

The wind blows. There’s only wind in this vacuum. Maybe it’s a storm. Maybe Steven created it.

However, Lars’ response...

“But you don’t want to be alone.”

It’s not a question.

Lars knows the truth.

“No,” Steven confirms. “But it feels inevitable at this point.”

He doesn’t cry. He doesn’t scream. He doesn’t panic. He does and feels nothing. He just stares at the abyss that he created, which is ready to claim him at any moment.

Steven has long known he’s no star. He only shines a pink light that isn’t his. He feels no comfort from it. It won’t save him from himself. His pink side has been consumed, too.

He’s the abyss. He’s the abyss.

It’s only fair he should get rid of it.

...

A hug.

Begging him to come back.

Lars is hugging him. Tightly.

He doesn’t say anything for now.

He just tries to hold on.

No, he won’t care to jump into the abyss to save him.

Lars has seen death. Fear won’t stop him.

It’s okay to be afraid.

“... Rest,” Steven lets out. “I just want to rest. I’m tired.”

Lars is crying.

That has Steven hug him back, even if he feels nothing right now. That’s really Steven’s instinct to comfort those who are hurting.

“I don’t want to wake up tomorrow, Lars. I’m tired. I’m tired...”

“You can rest here. You can stay here. I won’t leave you, Steven.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Nononono, don’t be,” Lars is whispering the entire time.

“Why is it so dark when I’m not even asleep?”

Lars inhales.

“... I’ll be here in the dark with you. Okay?”

I’ve been here before, Lars wants to add.

Steven, at this point, has laid his head against his friend’s shoulder.

“... okay.”

All he can hear right now is Lars’ low beating heart.

It gives Steven a strange sense of comfort. Because while he blames himself for Lars’ death and wishes he never lost his humanity… Lars never ceased to be human, either. He’s still Lars, the same snarky and grumpy guy that accepted himself and was able to open up to his friends and family. Lars openly cries and shows vulnerability and intimacy to those he loves.

“’m cold,” Steven mumbles.

Suddenly, he feels himself lifted off the ground. Lars is carrying him. Steven might try and protest that he’s too old for this, but he’s also too out of himself to say anything more coherent.

He’s lying down. Maybe on a couch. Lars tucks him in with a blanket.

Steven, somehow, grabs Lars’ arm instinctively. After so many dreams of being abandoned.

“Don’t go,” he begs.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

Steven opens his eyes, if they weren’t already.

He doesn’t see everything clearly, but he sees Lars and the vestiges of a warm, colored home. As well as the tears Lars cried for Steven.

“Hang on, just…”

Lars helps Steven raise himself enough so… Steven’s head is lying on Lars’ lap. The older boy caresses the other’s curly hair, his tormented mind.

All Steven does is breathe in and breathe out, likely trying to breathe in the physical contact. He has difficulty doing it at first, but it feels lighter.

Eventually, Steven asks for the water, which was already waiting for him at the center table. He drinks it slowly. It’s all silent.

Then Lars asks if he wants more, but Steven is good for now. He lies on the other’s lap again.

He’s leaving the real world…

“You’ll stay, right?” Steven asks again.

“Of course.”

He doesn’t say anything else, but Steven is scared of bad dreams. His dreams in particular can be awful. At least he isn’t entering anyone’s minds anymore. He wouldn’t want to do that to Lars again.

He still hears nothing else from the world.

Sometimes, he knows the emptiness will be forever. It’s always there.

He’s afraid he won’t be able to fill it one day.

He knows he won’t.

…

Steven cries. Silent tears.

Lars pulls him closer for a hug of sorts.

Either way, Steven makes no sound.

After all, that’s what the anger was trying to communicate. Now it’s lost its voice, and it finally rains.

Steven allows the rain. So does Lars.

Eventually, it ends.

And Steven drifts off to sleep.

His mind is a mess, he has no idea if he’s having dreams or not, if he’s just in the fog of his own conscience.

At the very least, Steven isn’t alone, either mentally or physically.

Although it’s very illogical, it’s like Steven is in the mane dimension that Lars shares with Lion. The pink meadows, Lars’ tree… It is not filled with any particular personal objects. Somehow, Steven is sitting there with Lars, both breathing. The wind is not scary, it’s very gentle and calm.

Nothing is made of clouds.

It’s real.

Perhaps the nicest dream Steven has had in a while.

And he won’t wake up with the daunting loneliness this time.

Of course, the morning won’t be easy. Steven will likely wake up sick from the alcohol. He knows he won’t be better. He knows he will be afraid of the emptiness inside him.

What will be different, however, is that Lars will be there for him.

He’s here for him now.

That’s all that matters.

[theregularwriter]

That there, that's not me

Fandom: Steven Universe Rating: T Relationships: Steven & Lars Characters: Steven Quartz Universe, Lars Barriga; MENTIONED/CAMEOS - Sadie Miller, the Cool Kids Summary: Sometimes, it feels like Steven hasn’t left Rose’s room. Sometimes, he feels like he’s in a ghost town, where people feel repetitive, where there’s not a genuine glow from the stars, nor the moon, nor anywhere. The sunlight never reaches him. Sometimes, Steven fears he might be interacting with clouds this whole time. Or maybe he’s the one made of clouds, that always turn into a thunderstorm inside. Word count: 1,083 AO3

WARNINGS: suicidal ideation, (near) suicide attempt, dissociation, and depression.

DO NOT SHIP STEVEN AND LARS. P/ROSHIP DNI.

--

“Well… I can’t see a future for me from up here.”

… But neither does he down there.

Steven sits on the roof, watching the sun go down.

Everyone is gone, again.

The boy hasn’t gotten any more messages from the gems. Nor Dad. Nor Connie.

They have better things to do. Better people to be with.

Now that Steven saved the galaxy, what else is he supposed to do?

“Steven, no one needs your help. So why are you still here?”

Why, indeed.

He could drive out of here. He could disappear into the ocean (again). Anywhere but outer space, though. He has plenty of bad dreams there.

Mask Island is still around, right? He could live with the Watermelon Stevens. But they don’t need him, either.

He’s not needed anywhere.

No matter how hard he tries to be.

…

The sun is almost gone.

The night breeze is already present.

The ocean will be dark like the sky.

Sometimes, it feels like Steven hasn’t left Rose’s room. Sometimes, he feels like he’s in a ghost town, where people feel repetitive, where there’s not a genuine glow from the stars, nor the moon, nor anywhere. The sunlight never reaches him.

Sometimes, Steven fears he might be interacting with clouds this whole time.

Or maybe he’s the one made of clouds, that always turn into a thunderstorm inside.

He has no idea what is real or who is real.

But something he’s sure of is that he’s no good either way.

And another thing is that Steven is tired.

He’s so tired, constantly.

He doesn’t want to feel like this anymore.

He has to do something.

Anything.

…

The night is here.

Black sky, black sea.

Distant, dead stars.

Steven, however, sees another light, but on the beach.

Far away from there, there seems to be a campfire.

And laughter.

Steven is drawn to it.

He jumps from his roof, floats to the sand, and walks all the way to the star that fell from the sky.

Sounds of a guitar.

But it’s not Dad.

That’s… Buck?

Buck Dewey?

Jenny is the one laughing the most. Sour Cream tries to be philosophical. Sadie might be humming along to Buck’s guitar. And Lars is there, too, trying to make sense of what Sour Cream is saying.

They’re… all there?

Are they real?

Is Steven real? Is this happening at all?

“… Hey, Steven!” Sour Cream exclaims, grinning.

“Come join us!” Jenny invites him.

Steven hesitates, lost.

“… You alright, dude?” Lars questions.

“Yeah, yeah… I just wasn’t… expecting you guys to be here.” He sits next to Lars, but on the corner.

“What’re you up to?” Sadie wonders.

“Nothing, really.” I was contemplating death, like I always do. “I thought you guys were out of town?”

“We were… and we will be tomorrow, too,” Buck explains. “So we’re just taking the night off here.”

“Oh.” Steven suddenly feels the storm brewing.

He sort of tunes out of the conversation. They sound static to him. He can tell they’re having fun.

Clouds. Clouds.

They sing together. They even offer the guitar to Steven, but it makes him sad, so he declines. Either way, they sing several songs, from happy, to sad, to goofy ones. Lars sings them badly and it makes everyone laugh.

Steven simulates a laugh.

Because this is a simulation.

Eventually, of course, the fire wears out.

And they go home.

Sadie and the Cool Kids will be away for a while.

They hug him and high-five him, sure…

But they’ll be gone.

They disappear into the night. He can’t hear their steps on the sand anymore.

This is all fake. Fake. Fake.

Steven hears the water.

It’s the only thing that might be real.

He steps on it. It’s freezing

But it’s real.

Not clouds.

This is where he belongs, then.

He’s tired. He’s tired. He wants to rest. He wants to be healed.

He can’t heal himself.

Maybe the ocean can?

Steven takes more steps into the biting cold.

Soon enough, it won’t hurt. It won’t hurt anymore.

He’ll be at peace.

“… Steven!”

At least one pair of steps returns.

“L-Lars?” Steven whispers.

He goes to his pink friend instead of the dark ocean. His legs might be numb from the cold.

“There, there, I got you,” Lars catches him, because apparently Steven almost fell. “I got you.”

“Y-You’re back?”

“Yeah, I noticed you weren’t looking so good…”

“You’re really here?” Steven says, like he didn’t hear the other sentence.

Lars, baffled, takes a few seconds to reply, “Of course, why are you…”

Steven takes the opportunity to hug him, hold onto him. Don’t let go. Don’t leave. Don’t leave me. Don’t leave—

“Lars?” He calls, voice small. “I don’t want to…”

“What?”

“I don’t want to live anymore, Lars.”

He can tell his friend tenses. Steven starts crying.

“I don’t belong anywhere. I never did. Now everyone is leaving, and I have nowhere to go. I-I feel like… I have no one else. I don’t know what to do to make them stay. I don’t know what to do, Lars. I just want the pain to stop. I can’t heal it myself. I can’t…”

“Oh, Steven…” Lars finally responds, hugging him back.

“I don’t want to be alone, Lars…”

“Hey, I’ve got you. We’re Off-Colors, remember?”

Steven sniffs and nods.

Lars doesn’t shine, nor is he warm like fire… but he’s actually here. He went back to Steven. Like a captain would check on his crew. Like a best friend would.

“Are the gems home?” Lars asks.

“When are they ever?” Steven hisses.

“I know your dad is out of town, too… Man, how long have you been alone?”

“Ever since I remember.”

Steven might be making harsh comments, but they’re still true, and Lars certainly knows it.

“I’ll take you home and I’ll stay with you tonight, okay? You won’t be alone.”

“O-Okay.”

“I know it hurts, Steven. I do,” Lars sighs, pained. “Sometimes we can’t handle it on our own. You can count on me, okay?”

“Okay.”

The older boy helps the younger one walk. On the way to Steven’s house, the half-gem can’t help glancing at the ocean, part of him wondering what would happen if he actually got in. If Lars didn’t arrive on time.

Does he want to be there, in the cold?

Then he stares at his friend, who’s determined to help him, no matter what. Especially out of his own experience.

Steven smiles.

And this time, it’s real.

[theregularwriter]

Kid A(mnesia)

Fandom: Fullmetal Alchemist (2003) Rating: T Relationships: Alphonse & Edward Characters: Alphonse Elric, Edward Elric; MENTIONED - Wrath, Noah, Alternate Gracia Hughes Summary: He was just a kid, and Al hated him. Post-Conqueror of Shamballa Word count: 669 AO3

TRIGGER WARNING - past character death

DO NOT SHIP THE ELRIC BROTHERS. P/ROSHIP DNI.

--

Al arrives home with the groceries for lunch, while Ed stays home to arrange everything. Before that, he greets Ms. Gracia and Noah, who work at the flower shop.

It’s a nice day today, until…

This kid is staring at Alphonse.

A kid with very familiar features.

Those round, curious eyes, the equally round cheeks, and the wild dark bangs. The little kid is hiding behind his mother’s leg as she talks to Ms. Gracia.

Al stares at him back, but not in fondness.

It seems to scare the boy off, since he hides further behind his mother. She asks him what’s wrong.

Equally so, Ms. Gracia and Noah notice that Al is tormented.

Tormented by a kid. They don’t understand. He’s just a child, why would Al treat him that way?

Panicking, Al drops everything in his hands to run upstairs, not looking back when the women call his name in concern and confusion. Al opens the door and closes it with force, locking it in the process. He’s sweating like he was caught committing a crime. Like they all found out his horrible secret.

It’s true, isn’t it?

Why are you defending this homunculus? He isn’t human.

He isn’t human.

How dare he, then, beg people to see him as human? If he couldn’t see a little boy as a human?

“Al? Is that you? You startled me-!”

Then Alphonse remembers he probably left all the groceries downstairs. And he probably ruined them given there were liquids, fruits and vegetables in the bags. He expects Edward to yell at him, but that’s not what happens.

“Whoa, Al, are you crying?” Ed then rushes to him. “What’s wrong? Did someone hurt you?”

Crying? He can see tears?

“Al, talk to me. What happened?” His older brother checks over him for any injuries but finds none. He grabs both of his shoulders to snap Al out of it. “Alphonse—”

“Brother…”

“Yeah?”

“I-I saw him. I saw Wrath.”

Ed suddenly understands. “Oh?” But he’s not surprised.

“He was just a kid, Brother. He was a kid, and I…” Al sniffs. “I wanted to kill him, Ed. I hated him. And then I let him die by the hands of Gluttony, I did nothing when he was bleeding—”

“Al—”

“And now I see, he was a little boy like me. He was just like me, Ed. I let him die. I didn’t save him,” Al sobs.

“Shh, shh…” Ed pulls him in a hug. “Shhh…”

“I-It’s not fair—”

“I know. I know, Al. It’s horrible, isn’t it?”

“I didn’t even say sorry to him. I can’t do anything about it.”

Edward is silent, but he holds his younger brother a little tighter.

“How am I going to live with all of this? How? How, Brother?” Al begs.

Ed tenses, then breathes in deeply.

“… We do it together. It helps us to become better. But I know it hurts, Al. So, we stay together, we take care of each other. You won’t be alone, okay?”

He seems to take Sloth’s last words to heart.

Al is not entirely soothed, but he relaxes as his brother holds him longer.

“Okay,” he mumbles, hugging Ed in return.

After some more time, there are knocks on the door, giving Al dread.

“I’m so sorry, Brother, I dropped the groceries—”

“Hey, it’s okay. It’s okay, Al.”

Ed smiles at him, nonetheless.

Turns out it’s Noah in the doorway, who picked up the bags Al abandoned. She looks at him with sympathy. It’s revealed the food was not wasted, after all. Al apologizes to her, too, hating that he might have given the wrong impression to that child, as well as everyone else in the room.

Ed and Noah understand perfectly.

The haunting choices you might have made in the past…

They’ll keep coming back.

But it’s what Ed said, at least they’ve got each other to know they’re not alone.

That gives Al some peace, even if he might never truly sleep with a clean conscience.

[theregularwriter]

This night has opened my eyes (and I'll never sleep again)

Fandom: Fullmetal Alchemist (2003) Rating: G Relationships: Edward & Alfons Characters: Edward Elric, Alfons Heiderich; MENTIONED - Alphonse Elric Summary: Ed gets a cat home for once. Alfons doesn't like cats. Pre-Conqueror of Shamballa. Word count: 973 AO3

A/N: Based on this cute fanart of CoS!Ed with a cat! Except I made it sad. This is also my first time writing Alfons, so I hope it's good!

TRIGGER WARNINGS - presumed past character death and grief/mourning.

DO NOT SHIP ED AND ALFONS, NOR THE ELRIC BROTHERS. P/ROSHIP DNI.

--

It’s a rainy, chilly night. Edward was supposed to be back at least an hour ago with groceries. But something came up…

“Ed? Where have you been?” Alfons asks from the kitchen, lighthearted even if concerned. He isn’t the kind to get mad at Ed or anyone. “I was worried you might get sick out there.”

“Nah, don’t worry too much.”

“Well, I managed some soup for now.”

“Great.” Ed takes off his boots, then he lets his wet hair loose. “I got us something special.”

There are steps coming out of the kitchen. “Oh, let me help you—”

Alfons stops in the way the moment a small meow echoes in their apartment. Ed carries all the groceries with his right arm, while the left has sheltered the cat inside his big coat.

“… What is this?” His roommate questions.

“We got a little buddy to join us for dinner, that’s what! I thought I might call him Ferdinand. Is it too grown up for him?” Ed caresses the gray cat once he releases the groceries.

“Wait, hold on, Ed. Did you really just pick up a random cat from the street?”

Ed’s smile starts to fade.

“Well, yeah… I thought it’d be nice to have a cat.” Finally, after all these years denying it.

Alfons does not look pleased with the idea. If anything, he looks not only judgmental of Ed’s decision, but he’s not very excited about the cat, which goes against Ed’s expectations.

“… You don’t like cats,” the latter confirms.

“Uh… ‘don’t like’ is a bit strong,” Alfons realizes and laughs nervously. “I’m fine with pets, but cats… I don’t really understand their temperament.”

“So you don’t like them.”

“Ed, that’s not what I meant—”

“But I know you don’t. And that’s- that’s fine. I’m sorry I brought him before knowing what you thought.”

Alfons grows quiet as Ed refuses to look him in the eye. The cat has also stopped meowing.

“Edward, I’m not mad, okay?” The former insists. “I don’t mind you having a cat, but right now, I’m not sure if it’s the best time. We’ve barely arrived here, gotten this apartment… how are you going to give the cat a home if we aren’t even able to buy much food for ourselves?”

Ed sighs. “Yeah, I know.”

He looks at the gray cat, which looks at him in return. It has beautiful hazel eyes.

Alfons scratches the back of his head.

“Well, I’m not going to tell you to leave him outside. He can stay over tonight. Maybe Ms. Gracia might help us out,” he imagines. “Maybe someone else can give him a home.”

Ed would’ve lashed out if it were a couple years ago. He remembers all the fights he pulled. He remembers all the times he did not allow a cat in his life, because he too couldn’t take care of it.

He just wanted to do this one thing he was never allowed. A little furry companion.

But no.

Alfons doesn’t like cats.

Not the way Al loved them and would’ve picked them up and hide them in his armor.

Ed can’t cry, either. He’s physically uncapable of crying. And the last time he did cry was when Al was literally separated from him for good.

The rain outside is losing its intensity.

Alfons is the one who sighs.

“Just… go take a shower and I’ll handle dinner, okay? Did you buy food for him, too?”

“Yeah.” Ed thought of everything. He even planned on giving one of his pillows to the cat and let it sleep in his room.

He places the cat on the floor for once. It meows again, pleased. Ed grabs a towel to dry the little guy.

The older Elric stares at its hazel eyes. Unlike everything else in this pale world, the eyes are the most vivid color he’s seen.

The cat is confused. It was promised it would stay.

Ed will end up breaking another promise.

“I’m sorry.”

The most emotion he’s felt in this last years.

Finally, he trusts Alfons to look after it while Ed gets warm.

He stands there for who knows how long.

Pale, pale blurs…

Ed also stares at the food and does not eat.

Alfons watches him.

“Ed…”

Another conversation that won’t go anywhere.

“I’m sorry—”

“It’s fine, Alfons.”

(The name is also spoken with poison.)

“Look, again, maybe another day you can get a cat—”

“I wanted us to get a cat, but you don’t like them and that’s okay.”

The light-blonde boy sighs but he doesn’t protest too much.

“… This isn’t just about the cat, is it?”

Wow, so smart.

Obviously, Ed’s already being an asshole to Alfons, so he decides he won’t argue anymore.

“I know you miss home, Edward, and I’m sorry. I just… I want you to know that you can count on me.”

I can’t.

Alfons thinks Ed is making everything up about where he came from. Ed lives in a world where no one remembers him, because they’re nobody.

Ed is a nobody in a world of nobodies that have faces of everybody.

The cat is lying near Ed’s foot under the table (besides wanting to eat everything else on the floor right after it ate).

“I mean it, you can trust me,” Alfons promises.

Ed sighs yet again. He finally takes some soup, which has gone cold at this point.

“Okay.”

Ed wishes he could say something else to Alfons.

But what’s the point if this world isn’t even real?

If not even in this dream Ed could get a cat? Or relive the bond that meant the world to him?

There’s nothing he can do.

He’ll just have to live in this bad dream and pay for everything that he did.

…

Ed just wants his little brother.

He just wants Al back.

[theregularwriter]

i love a good magic-related fever. Maybe it's a curse, maybe it's overuse of powers, but no matter what, it's not responding to the things a normal fever would. Medicine, rest, cold baths. Nothing works and they just have to live with it until either it passes or they break the curse. :)

[theregularwriter]

Dead Souls (They Keep Calling Me)

Fandom: Fullmetal Alchemist (2003) Rating: T Relationships: Alphonse & Edward Characters: Alphonse Elric, Edward Elric Summary: Al watches Ed sleep. Turns out things haven't changed much. Word count: 770 AO3

A/N: I literally dreamed I wanted to write more Elric Brothers. So I decided to do that today. Especially considering how cold it's been where I live.

This takes place after Conqueror of Shamballa.

TRIGGER WARNING - Mention of alcohol.

DO NOT SHIP THE ELRIC BROTHERS. P/ROSHIP DNI.

--

He figures Ed isn’t as loud in his sleep as before.

Ed used to have recurrent nightmares. Al remembers them well.

Nowadays, his older brother sleeps peacefully. Unfortunately, Al knows the reason why. All those bottles in Ed’s bedroom…

Al doesn’t know how to talk to him about it. He knows it’s not an easy conversation to have, not when the Elric brothers have to focus more on the war and the people the government has been persecuting.

Now that Al has restored his memories, he’s no longer dreaming of this world, dreaming of the day he could reunite with Ed.

Alphonse now has nightmares.

His brother probably has no idea.

And it’s not like Al wants to disturb him. Not now that Edward actually sleeps without waking up in horror.

The younger Elric is sitting on the cold floor, sometimes analyzing the entirety of Ed’s room beyond the bottles of scotch. He sees his brother’s previous prosthetics, which are not as resistant as Winry’s looking from there… Many, many books, reading glasses on the table, Ed’s one loyal, oversized coat.

You might even see the picture of Ed’s previous roommate on his desk.

Al sighs.

He’s relatively close to the bed, but he’s not too glued. Mostly because he doesn’t want to wake Ed.

Al doesn’t want to go back to his room, either.

He needs to hear another living being.

Because Al can’t always feel himself.

So, Ed’s nonsensical, quiet sleepy noises comfort him. His big brother might be dreaming of home.

… if anything, he seems to be annoyed at Al.

“Al, you little…” Ed grumbles.

The younger boy can’t help smirking.

“Al…”

Ed turns around, slowly opening his eyes. Al raises an eyebrow, wondering if he’s waking up.

Well, the former’s jolt answers that question.

“ACK! What the heck?!” Ed exclaims. He calms down a little more when he realizes who’s there. “Al?”

“Um… hi, Brother.”

“Ugh, don’t scare me like that!”

“Sorry.”

Ed’s grumpiness softens at Al’s low voice. “What’s wrong?”

“Oh, nothing.”

“Then why were you watching me sleep like a total creep?”

“I don’t know, Brother! I just… like doing it. I’m sorry.”

Pause. “You couldn’t sleep?”

Al shrugs.

Ed sighs. “Just- Just get off the floor, it’s freezing tonight.”

He’s freeing some space in his bed for Al, who shyly joins him.

“How are you not wearing socks?” Ed notices, shocked. “You’re cold like ice!”

The hands touching Al’s face only now has him realize how cold he really is. Even Ed’s automail is warmer than him, and that’s saying something.

Ed’s left hand is holding one of Al’s, trying to warm it up.

“How long have you been here?” The older Elric questions.

Forever. “... not sure.”

Al doesn’t really look at him.

“You have a lot in your mind?” Ed guesses. Most specifically pointing at Al’s restored memories.

The other frowns a little instead of saying anything.

“... You didn’t want to be alone?”

Al clenches his free hand in a fist.

“It’s okay, Al.”

“I didn’t want to wake you, Brother.”

“I don’t mind.”

“I just want you to be safe.”

“I want you to be safe, too.”

Of course.

“I… I come here when I can’t sleep. Because at least I know you’re safe.” The bottles of scotch are judging Al from somewhere he can’t see. “It’s… home, I guess.”

“Oh, Al… come here.”

He lets Ed wrap his arms around him under the heavy blankets. Al shivers now that his brother hugs him, which might feel like the old days.

Ed is so, so, so warm.

“You can tell me when you can’t sleep.”

“I’m not a little kid anymore.” Liar.

“You’re not an armor anymore.”

Al’s brown eyes tear up.

He finally returns the hug, crying in Ed’s chest.

“... Sometimes it doesn’t feel like that,” Al whispers.

“I know.”

Ed squeezes him more, as if trying to protect Al from the cold, from the Gate, from everything else.

“I’m just glad I can hold my little brother,” the former says, relieved even if pained.

‘Little’ doesn’t sound too bad.

Al was always bigger and taller than everyone else… but now he isn’t.

It’s just odd having the mind of an older boy when he’s stuck in a younger body.

And yet his big brother loves him just the same.

“Me too,” Al replies.

Ed kisses his forehead and keeps him close and warm.

He really is home.

Different.

But… home.

Home is really wherever Ed is.

He hopes Ed won’t have to drink to sleep well, and that Al won’t lose sleep as often anymore.

Maybe one day.

[theregularwriter]

Take her to the moon for me, okay?

Fandom: Steven Universe Rating: G Relationship: Lars & Steven (PLATONIC!) Characters: Lars Barriga, Steven Quartz Universe; other characters are only mentioned Summary: Steven and Lars watch a movie. Word count: 2.066 AO3

A/N: I actually forgot I'd finished this story, so I'm finally posting it. It was based on a drawing I made nearly a year ago, except I made the idea a lot sadder here, lmao. But don't worry, it ends on a happy note.

TRIGGER WARNINGS - past canonical death and trauma.

Once again, do NOT ship Steven and Lars. P/roship DNI.

--

“Sooo, I was thinking we could watch this one?”

Steven reveals a tape that he recorded himself.

“It’s called Inside Out! It was released a few years ago and I never got to see it, but I thought it looked cool. But uh, maybe you have a better suggestion and you want to watch something that isn’t for kids, haha…”

“Oh no, I actually like Inside Out,” Lars says, rather securely. Steven guesses he would probably never admit that if this conversation happened a couple years before.

“Really?”

“Yeah, I, er… saw it in theaters with the Cool Kids. I didn’t think I’d like it but wow, it was incredible. I wanted to cry so badly.”

“Aw, that’s awesome! But you don’t mind watching it again, right?”

“No, no. It’s been years since I saw it and I honestly want to see your reaction. I’m not giving you any spoilers, though.”

“Okay!”

Since everything else – popcorn, drinks and snacks – is ready, Steven simply puts the tape inside the VHS player. Lars is sitting on Steven’s bed while the latter stays on the floor. Lars offers to switch places but Steven doesn’t mind it. He’s so excited for the movie that he doesn’t mind where he stays.

--

“... I’ll try, Bing Bong. I promise.”

Oh man. That part still stings.

When Lars first saw it in the theater, he managed not to shed any tears in front of the Cool Kids, even though they were openly crying and hugging each other. Lars wasn’t much of a crier around Sadie, either.

Now, Lars knows it’s okay for him to cry. He’s allowed to be vulnerable. Although he might not bawl and crash, the tears come out more naturally. It feels good, even if painful.

And of course, he’s not surprised to hear Steven sniffing.

However, he notices that Steven is very affected. The boy even muttered, “no, no, no, no,” when he realized what was going to happen. Though maybe Lars is just reading too much into it. He knows Steven is a very sensitive person, so this is to be expected.

Until Steven wraps Lars in a tight hug and he’s straight up sobbing in the latter’s chest. Lars is a little taken aback by how intense the crying is at first, but he smiles sadly and rubs the boy’s back up and down.

“Hey, it’s okay, buddy,” Lars reassures him.

“Why did he have to dieeee?” Steven whines, his voice tiny as if he’s fourteen again. “It’s not fair!”

“Yeah… I know, pal,” Lars sighs, patting his back in support.

“Joy didn’t even notice him jumping out of the cart?!”

“Maybe it was the adrenaline, I dunno.”

“She should’ve noticed!”

Lars doesn’t want to say that the lesson there was that Riley was growing up and her childhood was going away. He feels like that’s probably going to upset Steven further.

“I mean,” Steven pulls away, revealing his mess of snot. Lars searches for the tissues in the room, without standing up, but he can’t find it, “Joy is supposed to make everything better, so she should’ve known! She should’ve saved him!”

“Steven, he was going to disappear anyway,” Lars says patiently. He hopes that doesn’t make things worse.

“But he didn’t deserve to die! He just wanted to be remembered!”

“She said she would take Riley to the moon for him.”

“That’s not the same thing! He was just forgotten in that dark pit! Do they even talk about Bing Bong? Or does Joy just ignore it altogether?!” Steven raises his voice. Lars starts feeling more concerned. “He didn’t deserve it! If Joy was good enough, she wouldn’t let that happen!”

Much to Lars’ surprise, Steven starts glowing pink and crying angry tears.

“If I were good enough, Bing Bong wouldn’t be DEAD!”

The shock on Steven’s face is quick to replace the grief.

Mostly because Lars is staring at him, completely speechless. Only now realizing what they’re actually talking about.

The film is not even on; the TV makes a loud, static noise.

And Lars knows that no controller could’ve done that.

Steven sees his glowing hands and gasps, shaking himself so he represses the angry pink, and Lars knows that’s awful. Steven doesn’t want Lars to see him like this. Steven doesn’t want to be vulnerable. And this is the kid who helped Lars of all people to open up to others.

The moment the older teen opens his mouth, Steven abruptly stands on his feet, dropping the juice can he was drinking and spilling it all over the floor.

“I-I’m- I’m gonna get more popcorn!” Steven blurts out and runs away, almost falling. Lars tries to reach him but his hand is not close enough.

Lars is alone in Steven’s room, the static TV his only company. The noise is too much for his ears, so he turns it off before it drives him crazy.

Still, the static is in Lars’ head. He feels so stupid for not realizing things sooner. He feels stupid for never bothering to talk to Steven about, well, his death. Lars doesn’t even like saying the word around anyone, not even himself. Which is very unlike him, Lars will admit it. Everyone else avoids mentioning the word “death”, too, like Sadie, his parents, and the Cool Kids. The Off Colors don’t even get what it means to die in the human way.

Things are okay, sure. Everyone has accepted Lars. But they just don’t touch on it. Least of all Steven, who’s trying so hard to make everyone feel better… he does everything so Lars feels accepted, pink and all.

But if Lars is admittedly not over his death, still dealing with panic attacks and nightmares even if they’re less frequent nowadays… What about Steven? What about a kid who watched his friend die? Who had no idea he could even save Lars?

Has Steven ever talked about this with anyone else?

He knows the kid, though.

Lars can’t be quiet about this anymore.

The pink-skinned teenager finally goes downstairs, yet not rushedly. Lars doesn’t want to scare Steven, who’s in the kitchen, not even near the popcorn. Steven is seen from his back, shrunk, apparently hugging himself to keep his sobs inside of him.

“Why? Why am I like this?” Steven asks himself. “Why do I just ruin everything? I’m so stupid! Urgh!”

Lars genuinely wants to cry hearing those words. But he needs to help Steven first.

Finally, he reaches the balcony, much to Steven’s surprise.

“Oh! Lars!” The half-gem dries his eyes with his sleeves. He suddenly pretends he was getting the popcorn, as well as more drinks in the fridge. “Sorry, I-I was just- y-you can go back upstairs, I’ve got this!”

Lars finally joins him, offering a hand to take some of the cans. Steven is very unwilling to hand them over, but Lars just waits and eventually the kid gives them to him. Lars just places them back in the fridge so they don’t get warm, and he closes it. Steven doesn’t protest.

The younger boy just leans on the balcony with his whole body, making a miserable noise. Lars steps closer and puts a hand on his back again. Steven doesn’t want to be seen, but it seems that he secretly wants affection.

That way, Lars is placing both hands on Steven’s shoulders, sort of massaging them. Sadie does that for Lars when the latter is tense or about to have an emotional breakdown. It looks like it’s helping.

Steven, for once, looks at his friend, his face still a mess, eyes and nose reddened. Lars has not said a word.

“I-I’m sorry I ruined–”

“Shh… don’t worry.” Lars sighs. “I should’ve talked to you sooner.”

“No, you didn’t have to!”

“Except I should’ve. You’re always helping people, but who’s helping you? Who knows what’s going inside your head?”

Steven releases more tears, unable to deny his words.

“I never bothered to ask how you’ve been. Like, actually ask. I can’t keep pretending everything is fine. I’m sorry, Steven.”

“Lars…”

“Like, seriously. You didn’t deserve to see that.”

Steven finally stands on his feet, but his head is lowered and he’s not looking at Lars.

“But you… y-you died because of me. Because I was too stupid and- and I gave out a list of everyone to Peridot, if I knew what was going to happen next I would’ve never–”

“Hey, hey, listen to yourself; you didn’t know. You couldn’t have known, Steven. It wasn’t your fault.”

Steven doesn’t believe him.

Even though Lars is not that much taller than him nowadays, he still kneels down to look at Steven properly.

“Look at me,” Lars whispers, “I don’t hate you.”

“Y-You should.”

“But I don't. Because it’s not your fault.”

Steven sobs quietly.

“I-I just… wanted to s-save everyone…”

Lars squeezes one of his shoulders.

“You did.”

Steven, eventually, grows quieter again, but still avoids eye contact.

“Maybe…” Lars thinks over his next words. “Maybe Bing Bong couldn’t make it… but I’m here, aren’t I?”

The half-gem contemplates.

“And it’s because of you. I could never be more grateful to be here.”

Steven looks genuinely shocked. Lars is smiling. Then he’s drying some of the boy’s tears.

“I should’ve told you that sooner, huh?” The older teen asks. “Well, I’ll make sure to tell you that more often now.”

The sixteen-year-old breaks, in a good way. Lars is now the one pulling him in a hug and Steven allows it this time. He’s finally opening the cracks and letting them be seen. Lars stays and lets the kid mourn the times no one ever said those things to him. He’s there to make sure Steven understands he’s not hated, he’s not expected to answer everything there is to know of the universe. Lars just wants him to be a kid. The kid he never got to be.

Steven doesn’t need to be happy all the time.

He can be sad. He can be angry. He can be afraid.

It’s okay.

--

After cleaning the room, Lars says they don’t have to finish the movie. Steven, however, is willing to see the rest. They’re both sitting on the bed now.

The part where Riley comes home…

Steven cries but this time he relies on Lars, who catches him with one of his arms.

Inside Out still ends on a good note. They hint at a sequel, but overall it reassures them that things will be okay no matter the obstacles in life.

As the credits roll, Steven hasn’t left Lars’ support just yet.

“Did you like it?” Lars wonders.

“Y-Yeah, I loved it.”

While it’s a genuine answer, it sounds like Steven is thinking of something else.

“I’m…” He gulps. “I’m glad you’re here, Lars.”

It can mean many things.

Lars grins.

“Yeah, buddy. Me too.”

Steven smiles back.

“Do you, uh, want to go home or… maybe watch something else…?”

Lars hums. “Yeah, I’d love to stay longer.”

“I dunno if I have more movies here…”

“We could just watch whatever’s on TV.”

Steven is analyzing all the tapes he keeps.

“Do you… know Camp Pining Hearts?”

Lars blinks. “You have that?”

“Yeah. I mean, what’s left of them. Peridot took all my tapes. I also heard they’re making a reboot, so maybe I could get in on the hype. But I dunno if you’re into that kind of stuff.”

Lars sighs. “Alright, Steven, hear me out. I was… the biggest CPH fan back in the day.”

“Whoa, really?”

“Yeah. Not even Sadie knew about that until recently.”

“Wow, I think you and Peridot and Lapis would get along well, then.”

“Maybe.”

“She ships Percy and Pierre.”

Lars hums, content. “Excellent taste.”

Steven laughs. “I still don’t get it, but okay.”

Regardless, the two boys get the tapes that are very out of order – and it turns out they’re the bad episodes of CPH since Peridot apparently got all the good ones – but they have a good time either way. The series is… worse than Lars remembered. But it’s fun and intriguing, honestly.

But most importantly, he likes to watch it with someone that gets it. Sadie was never into CPH even after Lars told her about it.

Steven is having a good blast with it.

Lars is having even more of a good time.

To see the kid being a kid.

[theregularwriter]

Tempo Perdido

Fandom: Steven Universe

Rating: G

Relationships: Steven & Lars; MINOR/MENTIONED - Steven & Greg, Steven & The Crystal Gems

Characters: Steven Quartz Universe, Lars Barriga; MENTIONED - Greg Universe, Pearl, Garnet, Amethyst

Summary: Finally, Steven checks his phone. Plenty of missed calls from Pearl, Garnet, and Amethyst. Pearl has sent some polite yet concerned text messages asking where he is. Amethyst has tried to send sad stickers and emojis which are kind of humorous, even if also worried. Garnet has sent a picture of Cat Steven lying on his hot dog bag. Basically saying Cat Steven misses him. It’s supposed to be cute, but it only overwhelms Steven.

That’s the issue. All of their attempts are making him want to stay gone. He feels awful for it. Steven knows he’s just making them worried. But they wouldn’t understand.

Word count: 1.827

AO3

A/N: I haven't written about my favorite boys in a while. This story though is another product from venting. I detail it more in the author notes on AO3, but basically my holidays have been very lonely, so I decided to write my feelings down (this might be OOC as well). I hope you guys are doing well at this time of year.

There might be some Crystal Gems bashing but please don't take it as character hate. Again, this is me projecting.

Happy New Year!

TRIGGER WARNINGS - mentioned neglect and suicidal thoughts (this one is very brief).

DO NOT SHIP STEVEN AND LARS. P/ROSHIP DNI.

--

Not even on his vacation does he feel relaxed.

Steven’s phone keeps vibrating, either with messages or missed calls. He distracts himself by helping Lars, and it’s good that there’s music playing so his friend doesn’t hear Steven’s cell phone. The younger boy doesn’t want to turn it off to not raise suspicion.

Eventually, the phone stops. So does the baking.

The last chore is the dishes. Lars washes them while Steven does the drying, for the most part. Until…

“Thanks, Steven. I can handle the rest.”

“Oh, okay.”

Steven tries not to sound disappointed.

His phone starts vibrating again.

It shouldn’t make him feel panicked.

He knows he can just turn it off.

But he knows that will make him look bad.

Steven isn’t a bad person. He can’t be.

“... you alright there, Steven?”

The water has been quieted down. Lars is seeing through him.

“U-Um, yeah! W-Why wouldn’t I be?”

Yeah, real smooth, Steven.

“Do you need anything? Maybe some water?” Lars offers, not being sarcastic like he usually is. “I could turn on the TV for you.”

“It’s fine. I just, uh, gotta go to the restroom if that’s okay.”

“Yeah, sure. Go ahead.”

Steven rushes before Lars asks anything else.

The restroom isn’t very small but it almost feels… claustrophobic, like Connie said once (Steven almost thought it meant fear of Santa Claus). He’s doing everything not to let his heaving obvious. He doesn’t want his pink glow to be seen from under the door, either.

Finally, Steven checks his phone. Plenty of missed calls from Pearl, Garnet, and Amethyst. Pearl has sent some polite yet concerned text messages asking where he is. Amethyst has tried to send sad stickers and emojis which are kind of humorous, even if also worried. Garnet has sent a picture of Cat Steven lying on his hot dog bag. Basically saying Cat Steven misses him. It’s supposed to be cute, but it only overwhelms Steven.

That’s the issue. All of their attempts are making him want to stay gone. He feels awful for it. Steven knows he’s just making them worried. But they wouldn’t understand.

It’s better if he just disappeared.

…

That’s… not actually a bad idea.

Steven has a car, after all. It’s parked near the Car Wash, which is closed with his father away for another tour. The gems won’t be there, hopefully. Maybe Garnet won’t predict it.

Besides, Lars doesn’t need him anymore. Steven is just going to get in the way.

It’s decided.

Steven takes a deep breath. He opens the door very, very slowly.

He doesn’t see Lars in the kitchen and the music has been turned off. He guesses his friend must be in the living room or maybe he went upstairs so he won’t see Steven leave.

Of course, Steven is not that lucky.

Lars is on the couch checking his phone. The living room is way too silent and he can’t stay there.

“Hey, uh, you won’t need anything else, right?” Steven asks out of politeness, even though he knows the answer.

“Why, you’re leaving already?” The older teen wonders, putting his phone away. “I thought you were staying a little longer to hang out.”

“Oh, sorry, it’s just…” Steven points at his own cell phone. “T-They called me from Little Homeschool, they need me.”

Lars frowns.

“... Steven, you’re on vacation.”

And of course he would know that, thanks to the Off Colors.

Steven doesn’t have any other apology in mind. Not when more messages come to him.

He’s slowly breaking right there.

So, he goes to the front door.

“Whoa, hey, where are you going?”

“I just have to go.”

He opens the door.

“Steven, wait.”

A hand is stopping him.

It’s not forcing him to stay or anything.

“What’s wrong?”

“I-I just…” Steven cracks, insisting, “I need to go.”

“Go where? Home?”

“I have to get out. I can’t stay. I can’t stay anymore.”

At this point, he’s unable to keep the tears inside him.

“I’m sorry,” he sobs quietly.

“Steven… it’s okay.”

The thumb is rubbing his shoulder soothingly.

“... I don’t want to go home,” Steven admits. “Does… D-Does that make me a bad person?”

“No, of course not.”

He doesn’t entirely believe it, but the boy doesn’t protest.

“Listen… I don’t want to trap you here,” Lars clarifies. “But I’m worried about letting you go out there alone like this. You could sit down here a bit or… we could go somewhere else, anywhere you wanna go. Would that be okay?”

Steven doesn’t want to drag anyone else with him. He also knows Lars would never force anything on him, but he wants to at least make sure Steven is safe.

(Lars is not like the gems, treating him like some little kid, but not seeing him like a grown adult that can do everything on his own, either.)

Without thinking twice, the half-gem turns around to hug Lars, knowing he’s going to break down entirely and he won’t be able to stop it. His tall friend is embracing him in return, not saying any words, but still letting Steven know he won’t be alone.

--

The gems aren’t there expecting him when Steven and Lars get to the car.

(Is he disappointed by that?)

Lars offers to drive for him, but Steven declines it. He wants to at least feel some control over things. Admittedly, he almost wants to tell Lars he doesn’t need to go with him, but Steven isn’t even sure where he’s going and… he’s scared.

Lars certainly understands the feeling. And he won’t judge Steven for it.

The drive is nice. They’re not really talking but they appreciate the calm route and the woods as they enter them. That one song is playing…

Being human.

Steven will sometimes gaze at Lars, who always looks back and smiles. It gives him so much warmth, that the dread in his gut will finally be silenced.

To be fair, they don’t go too far. Steven just wants a place where he can see everything with more clarity. They don’t actually leave Beach City. The Dondai Supremo stops at the Brooding Hill. The sunset is beautiful as always.

The smell of nature is refreshing. Not new, but different, light. Below he can hear the ocean hitting the rocks with all its strength.

Steven doesn’t leave the car. He lies on it while Lars sits next to him.

It’s a moment like this when Steven realizes how much he misses his dad and his road trips. Steven misses the soft guitar playing with the breeze. He misses Dad’s voice singing a lullaby. Steven has his ukulele but it’s just not the same thing.

Dear old dad…

Steven feels a little childish wanting his dad, but he was the one person to go to whenever things were dire and confusing. What he’d give to have some good advice…

The boy starts crying again, yearning for that familiarity.

It’s so, so, so lonely.

Steven, of course, doesn’t want to diminish Lars’ presence here. It definitely helps. Still, Steven wishes he could have a dad hug right now.

Lars scoots closer so their legs are touching.

“Nothing�� Nothing is the same anymore,” Steven vents.

Very hypocritical of him. Lars was the person he told these same words back when Lars thought Sadie didn’t want anything to do with him. Even then, the pink teenager never mentions this. He just stares in silence with a sympathetic expression.

Steven left the phone inside the car, so he doesn’t hear it screaming for him.

“... the gems wanted to take me on vacation,” he reveals. “To this house in the fields we went a couple years ago. But for some reason, I just… I can’t stand being around them anymore. Imagine if I was isolated with them in the middle of nowhere without phone service? Not to mention my dad wouldn’t go with us?”

Steven turns pink but not entirely out of anger.

“I can’t even say ‘no’ to them. I feel like they’re going to get angry with me. Or they’re going to make me feel guilty. And- And maybe they’re right, I’m being selfish. I feel like a stupid kid missing my dad and just wanting him here, but I can’t even hear his voice. I’ve tried but he won’t pick up the phone. Obviously.” Steven looks at the ocean far away. “He’s busy. He has more important things going on.”

“... you’re not stupid,” Lars says simply. “Nor selfish.”

Steven sighs.

“I love the gems, but… they’re just being overbearing lately. I should be grateful they’re actually trying to spend time with me, instead of disappearing for days.” He regrets sounding so spiteful but Lars doesn’t reprimand him – not that he would, really. “But even when I’m with them, I just feel… alone, anyway.”

The seagulls fly in the distance, free.

Free, free, free.

“I feel like running away and never coming back sometimes. But I can’t do that. I have to stay to help everyone. I can’t be like my mom. I’m not like her.”

(To think he’s still haunted by this years later…)

Steven looks at Lars like he’s a kicked puppy, then shyly lies his head against Lars’ leg. It’s not like his dad’s comfort, but it’s something. His friend caresses Steven’s black hair softly, which makes the latter shed more tears.

“... Maybe things would be easier if I wasn’t here,” the half-gem sniffs. “Nowadays everything just hurts.”

Lars briefly stops before resuming the caressing.

Then, the silence reigns.

The sunset is leaving, slowly giving place to the stars.

Steven wishes it didn’t have to go.

He can’t make the sun stay.

And he hates it.

The night sky scares him. It reminds him of space. It’s beautiful but haunting and empty and vast…

Steven sighs again and leaves the comfort, nearly getting inside the Dondai again when Lars stops him.

“Hey, really, let me drive this time,” Lars insists but not forcefully.

“It’s fine.”

“You could stay over at my place tonight. I know you don’t want to face the gems right now… I could tell them you’re staying with me.”

Steven’s eyes widen. “Lars, you don’t have to…”

“Well, I want to. Like I said, I just want you to be okay. You don’t have to be with the gems… and you don’t have to be on your own, either.”

Lars is giving him a place to stay. He knows Steven has nothing else, and he’s willing to help.

It’s so much.

But… it’s good.

True, Steven could reject it, leave Lars home, and probably sleep in the car the same way he did before he had a beach house years ago.

But he doesn’t have to.

He has another choice now.

“... okay.”

Steven smiles in the middle of the tears.

Lars drives for him on the way back.

Maybe he doesn't have the control anymore... but he trusts Lars with it.

Steven will be okay.

[theregularwriter]

Don't Forget

Fandom: Fullmetal Alchemist (2003)

Rating: G

Relationships: Alphonse & Edward

Characters: Alphonse Elric, Edward Elric

Summary: It's a special date for the Elrics.

Word count: 717

AO3

A/N: Technically for October 3rd, but it's FMA 2003's 20th anniversary today, so I guess it still counts.

This takes place after Conqueror of Shamballa.

DO NOT SHIP THE ELRIC BROTHERS. P/roship DNI.

--

Al shouldn’t be feeling nervous, really. He and Ed have known each other since forever. Still, Al can’t help shaking a little, mostly as he leaves everything ready.

Either way, Alphonse makes his way to Edward’s door, hoping he’s not going to bother him.

He takes a deep breath and knocks.

“Brother?” He calls.

“Oh, come in!”

Al slowly opens the door, finding Ed’s desk filled with papers – all from the rocket science course.

“Sorry, are you busy?” Al asks.

“No, no, don’t worry about it.” Ed takes off his reading glasses – and Al knows Ed would hate him if he ever told him that Ed looks like their father. “What’s up?”

Al blinks, distracting himself from the thought.

Ed suddenly starts smelling something.

“Did you bake something?” He raises an eyebrow.

“Oh, uh… yeah, I got the recipe from Ms. Gracia.”

“Oh,” Ed smiles, “that’s great, Al.”

The younger Elric shouldn’t be this nervous.

“I-I made it for you!” Al blurts out.

Ed softens. “For me? Why?”

It does hurt a little to hear him sound so surprised. Like Ed doesn’t deserve good things.

“Come on, let me just show you.” Al offers him a hand. His brother takes it, confused, so he lets Al pull him out of the chair and towards the dining table.

There lies a cherry pie fresh from the oven… and the handmade card Al made. He’s confident that the pie is good, but as for the latter… He hasn’t really drawn in ages, and has only picked it up again in times of boredom.

Much to his surprise, Ed seems more awestruck by the card than the pie. He takes it carefully in his hands.

Al rubs the back of his own neck, unsure what to do.

Dear Brother,

I know today is not a good date. I know it meant that we lost what we once had. But I wanted to celebrate that you’re still here with me. I would never trade it for anything in the world.

Thank you for always looking out for me. I love you.

Al

The cover itself is, well, a sketch of Ed smiling genuinely, even if sadly. Something Al wishes he could see more often – just his brother being happy.

When Al looks back…

“... Oh no, Brother! I didn’t mean to make you cry,” he apologizes, hating himself for ever thinking this stupid card could make this day easier. “I’m so sorry.”

Ed appears to only then realize that he’s indeed crying. He touches his wet face in shock, as if he hasn’t cried in years .

“I just- I wanted…” Al doesn’t know what to say.

Suddenly, he hears a laugh.

“Oh, Al.”

Then, he finds himself in his brother’s arms. Al freezes, not expecting the reaction. Ed hugs him tightly, burying his face in the other’s shoulder, seeking Al’s warmth. It sometimes surprises Al, remembering he can actually feel his brother’s touch now. That Al is finally here, back as a human being.

It didn’t happen as they wanted it to… but just the fact Al gets to hug Ed again is more than enough.

“I love you, too,” Ed whispers. “I love you so much.”

Al can’t help it. His eyes are filled with water.

“Thank you for being here,” Edward adds

Alphonse smiles. “Of course, Brother.”

Ed doesn’t let go for a while… not that Al is complaining. He does whine when his brother decides to kiss his cheek multiple times, though.

“I truly have one talented little brother,” Ed compliments. “An artist AND a baker?”

Al rolls his eyes. “Come on, you’re exaggerating.”

“No way, this is beautiful. I’m keeping this forever. And I’m putting all your art on the fridge.”

He laughs. “Ugh, Brother!”

Ed snorts, ruffling his darker blond hair.

With this, they finally decide to eat the pie together. Ed finds it a masterpiece, of course. Al can’t help blushing; his brother can be so embarrassing.

Since today is technically Ed’s day off, the Elric brothers decide to go out in town. After greeting their friends, they head out to the park. At one point, Ed wraps an arm around Al and pulls him close. Al smiles and leans against him.

On this day, they lost everything.

But today, they have each other.

They’re home.

[theregularwriter]

I want something just like this

Fandom: The Owl House

Rating: G

Relationships: Hunter & Darius, Hunter/Luz (romantic)

Characters: Hunter, Darius Deamonne, Luz Noceda; MENTIONED - Emperor Belos | Philip Wittebane

Summary: Hunter wants his first Grom to be perfect. He just doesn't know how Darius is going to react.

Word count: 1.336

AO3

A/N: I bet I'm going to get hate for this lmao. The focus though isn't the romance, so if you can still tolerate Lunter then I guess you'll be able to enjoy the Dadrius. This is my first time writing Darius/Dadrius though, so I hope it's good enough, at least.

TRIGGER WARNINGS - past child abuse and trauma

HUNTER AND LUZ ARE NOT CANONICALLY SIBLINGS. HATE AND ANNOYING COMMENTS WILL BE BLOCKED.

P/roship DNI.

--

“Your carriage still awaits, little prince.”

“Just a second!” Hunter replies, trying to tie his hair and failing miserably. Multiple times.

There’s an impatient sigh.

“You know it’s rude to keep your girlfriend waiting, young man.”

“I just need a minute!”

“No, Hunter, you’re late.”

“You’re not helping me get done!”

“What are you possibly doing in there?” Darius questions, annoyed. “I’ve taught you how to dress fittingly, it shouldn’t be hard at this point.”

“It’s different this time!”

“What do you mean?” The door handle moves, but it can’t get through the lock. Darius knocks again, firmer this time. “Hunter, let me in.”

“I just need FIVE MINUTES!” Hunter snaps.

“If you don’t open this door on the count of three, I’m tearing it down myself.”

The boy freezes.

A sensation he hasn’t felt in long.

Maybe it’s Darius’ tone, maybe it’s the reason why he’s taking so much time to come out, maybe it’s the fact he doesn’t know what’s going to happen if the door is indeed torn down.

Regardless, Darius starts counting.

“One…”

Hunter stares at himself in the mirror. He knows it’s almost done, but it’s not perfect.

“Two…”

Fearing what will come next, the teenager quickly opens the door and turns his back to Darius. He can tell the man is already crossing his arms, disappointed.

“Well?”

Gulping, Hunter holds his homemade cloak, hiding most of it from his mentor. He’s shaking an awful lot and he tries not to make it obvious, but of course, Hunter is a mess and he’s terrible at hiding things.

“I…” he sighs. “I tried…”

Finally, he gives in and turns back to his mentor. Noting the heavy silence in the room, Hunter can’t look at the other’s green eyes, for he wanted to look exactly like him: the cloak covering part of his body, only it’s on his right arm instead of the left. The blond hair tied in a bun with longer sideburns. The difference being that Hunter wears a dark gray suit, besides the cloak being red in honor of Flapjack.

As he gets no response from Darius, Hunter’s brown eyes blur.

“It’s bad, isn’t it,” he assumes.

Darius takes a while to respond.

“Hunter–”

“I’m sorry, I- I tried, I wanted to be good”– Hunter’s lips quiver and his legs shake so much that he’s on the floor, begging for the other’s mercy –“but I failed, I’m a failure.”

“Titans, Hunter, no.” He senses another presence kneeling down in front of him.

“Forgive me, I’m- I’m a mess, I’m not right!”

“Hunter,” Darius begs, “Hunter, listen to me. Can you listen to me?”

The boy nods.

“Can you look at me?”

Hunter, hesitantly, obeys, face wet with tears.

“None of that is true,” Darius tells him. “You’re not a failure. You don’t need to prove that you’re good.”

Hunter sniffs. “I just… I just wanted to be like you.”

“You don’t need to be. You’re enough just the way you are.”

Waffles has flown to Darius’ shoulder, trying to reinforce his mentor’s words. Hunter’s dread slowly quiets down.

Darius doesn’t act superior to him. He doesn’t control Hunter with the use of fear; he’s here, on the same level as his, gently reassuring him in a way Belos would never. Darius is nothing like Belos.

Hunter knows at this point he should be able to tell the difference, but sometimes it feels like he’s back to square one, and it’s scary and painful, fearing for his life ending at any wrong step. Hence why he’s so surprised that Darius is… actually safe. Has always been safe.

The teen dries his face.

“I… I still want to be like you, Darius,” Hunter concludes. “Not because I want to please you… but because I’m really proud to have your guidance.”

Darius looks… emotional.

Before Hunter can look further into it, he’s being pulled in a hug, strong arms soothing him from the evils of the world, even the ones that aren’t out there, but inside Hunter’s head.

The latter freezes again, but… it’s the good kind.

Darius doesn’t usually show affection other than head pats. Sometimes he goes for the hand on Hunter’s shoulder. But never a hug.

And it’s not a quick hug, for that matter.

It lasts a long time. Saying so many words that will never be spoken.

But Hunter can definitely hear “I’m sorry” and “I would kick Belos’ butt myself if I could.”

And he can’t help smiling, ultimately calming down in the embrace.

Finally, Darius clears his throat nervously and lets go, patting Hunter’s arms.

“Now, we can’t keep your girlfriend waiting,” the former insists. “You could’ve asked for my help, you know.”

“I wanted it to be a surprise.” I wanted it to be perfect.

“Sure you did.” Darius smiles.

He helps Hunter with the hair bun, as well as adjusting the clothes since everything is a mess. But for the most part, he doesn’t have to change anything else about his looks.

“Alright, this should do,” Darius sighs.

Hunter hums at the mirror. “Do I look okay?”

“You look… like you.”

“And is that good?”

“Obviously.”

He blushes, unsure what to say.

With this, Darius is guiding him to the front door, where Luz awaits, wearing a dark purple and red suit, her brown hair slicked back. She gasps and grins widely, eyes sparkling like light spells, and she runs all the way to Hunter to hug him.

“Oh my gosh! You look so handsome!” Luz exclaims.

Hunter’s cheeks burn as red as his cloak. “Heh, I… had some help.”

He smiles cheekily at Darius, who winks at him.

“Wait, hold on,” Luz lets go, taking her phone. “I gotta take a picture of you guys!”

“Of… us?” Hunter and Darius look at one another, surprised.

“Yeah! You look so much like father and son!”

Hunter is taken aback by the word choice. Darius, his… father? Would he approve of that?

Before he can actually ask, Darius is putting an arm around him and pulling him close, posing rather happily for the photo. Hunter is frozen for a while, not believing this is really happening. But once Darius gives him a trusting look, the boy loosens up and puts his own arm on his mentor’s back.

When Luz shows them the picture, it doesn’t look awkward in the slightest. It looks natural, it looks… right.

“Could you send it to me later?” Darius requests.

“Sure!”

“Alright, now it’s my turn to take pictures of the love birds.”

Waffles appears the moment the word “birds” is said. Hunter and Luz pose for the camera. Only he doesn��t look at it – he’s staring at his girlfriend with the dumbest smile of all. The blue jay palisman is lying on Hunter’s head, much to Darius’ enjoyment.

“I’ll be sending these to you two and your mother, Luz,” Darius tells them.

“They look awesome!” Luz slides through the pictures. “Thanks, Darius!”

“Yeah… thanks.” For everything, Hunter wants to add.

He has never seen Darius this happy and proud.

“Now, go have fun, you’re rather late,” he says, making a shooing gesture. “I’ll be picking you two up later tonight.”

“Okay! Bye!” Luz waves excitedly at him.

“Bye, Darius,” Hunter says rather shyly, but with so much feeling.

The man is waving back, looking like he’s going to cry of joy at any moment.

Finally, Luz is offering her hand to Hunter, who takes it gently and confidently. She looks at him like he’s the most beautiful person she’s ever met. He could say the very same about her.

His first Grom night is fun. It’s filled with life and love. It’s when Hunter realizes he’ll always be loved and supported, even when everything seems to turn against him. Today, he gets to be a normal boy, enjoying his night with his girlfriend and all of his friends, and knowing his father figure will be waiting for him later.

Hunter knows now… he has a home to return to.

[theregularwriter]

You Know You're Right

Fandom: Heartstopper

Rating: T

Relationships: Charlie/Nick

Characters: Charlie Spring, Nick Nelson; MINOR/MENTIONED - Ben Hope

Summary: Charlie has a bad day. For @sicktember, prompts Sick and Injured, and Pounding Headache (alternate)

Word count: 1.318

AO3

A/N: This was inspired by Solitaire, so it might be a little heavier than the TV show. I apologize if this doesn't count as a sickfic, and if anyone is OOC.

Please read the trigger warnings below.

TRIGGER WARNINGS - physical abuse, stalking, dissociation, and implied/referenced self-harm.

P/roship DNI.

--

Today sucks.

Charlie’s head has been aching all day, and it only gets worse the more he’s forced to sit through classes, to hear all the student noises. On top of it all, he hasn’t seen Nick all day because of another lousy exam.

Charlie just wants to scream. He wants to go home.

But school won’t let him. And it’s not like he wants to skip school after nearly failing.

So, he gets through with it.

He thinks today couldn’t get any worse.

When he realises…

He’s being followed on his way out.

Charlie tries to hide in the crowd, dodging everyone in order to get to the restroom. But before he can get in one of the cabinets, the door opens violently – not loudly, but coldly – and he’s being ambushed. The headache sounds angry. Like it’s never satisfied with him.

It’s demanding. Asking why Charlie has been avoiding it like the plague – which is something he should’ve done from the very start – after everything. Now that it’s trying to get better.

The only thing Charlie tells it is to fuck off. With those words.

What happens next…

He doesn’t know.

Everything is a complete haze. His head is pounding now.

There are muffled insults and obsessive remarks that he can’t quite distinguish, but somehow he’s listening loud and clear.

Then, it’s gone.

Charlie is left alone.

Where is he?

He doesn’t move.

He can’t.

He feels his vision darkening.

He might as well not even be here.

There has to be something to bring him back.

Something real.

Charlie is about to automatically grab his pencil case, when he feels something… ringing in his pocket.

That’s when he finds himself back in the school restroom. Alone. Pencil case in hand.

When Charlie realises what he was about to do…

It must’ve been some sort of miracle for his phone to ring right now.

He answers it dumbfounded, without checking who’s calling him.

“Hello?” Charlie says.

“Hey.”

“Oh.” Even after all this time, he swears he still gets butterflies by hearing Nick’s voice. “Hi.”

“I sent you a few messages but you didn’t reply, is everything okay?”

“Yeah, it’s- it’s fine.”

“Are you sure? Where are you?”

“I’m in the restroom. Near… the music room. I think.”

Idiot. ‘I think’??

“Alright. Do you want me to pick you up?” Nick asks regardless, the patient boyfriend that he is.

Charlie swallows. “Okay.”

“Okay. I’m on my way. Bye.”

“Bye.”

When he turns to the sink…

“... shit!”

How…

He doesn’t even remember getting that.

It must’ve been the headache.

Oh no.

There’s no way he’s getting away with this. What should he do? What should he say?

If he had makeup with him, he could’ve…

But the overthinking only worsens his pounding headache, so much that Charlie wants to cry literally right there. Yeah, it’ll definitely not worry Nick more than it already will.

He doesn’t know what he’s going to do, if not for something stupid. After all, the pencil case is still in his hand.

That’s when the door opens again, this time calmer, and yet Charlie still quickly turns around, both to hide his face and his weapon. He feels like there’s no floor to support him.

“Char?” Nick says with the most delicacy possible.

The younger teen knows he can’t hide it. Least of all from his boyfriend.

“Is something wrong?”

Charlie says nothing.

“Can you look at me? Please?” Nick sounds more scared.

He can’t do this to him.

Charlie sighs, turning to him.

The look on the other’s face…

It’s the most horror he’s ever seen.

Then Nick is rushing to Charlie, grabbing him by the arms.

“Who did this to you?” He asks immediately. “Harry? Who did this, Charlie?”

He sounds angry.

Charlie is looking down.

Tearing up.

Is… is it because of Nick?

No, no, Nick would never…

“... I told him to go away.”

Charlie says this like he’s trying to defend himself.

Why?

He doesn’t have to.

“I blocked him, for God’s sake, and he- he literally stalked me.”

Obviously, Harry would never do such a thing, as much of a dick he was.

Nick picks up the pieces fast.

He’s inhaling and exhaling in fury.

Charlie wants to run away.

Why?

Why?

“Charlie,” Nick’s voice suddenly softens a lot. Like he suddenly realised why the other boy is so afraid.

He’s touching his face so carefully, letting him know that it’s okay. That Charlie is safe with Nick. That Nick is safe.

Charlie is the one desperately hugging his boyfriend, begging to have that sort of contact, begging to silence the stupid headache. Wanting to hide himself, wanting to be with Nick, and not alone in that scary restroom. Charlie doesn’t want to be reminded how worthless he is. He doesn’t want to be punished for establishing boundaries. For existing.

“It hurts,” he sobs. “It hurts so much.”

Nick breathes in, wrapping his arms around Charlie. The latter wets the former’s uniform, but is too busy to apologise for it. Not that it matters. He knows it won’t matter to Nick. To him, only Charlie matters. He would never disrespect him, would never do anything to hurt him. Nick would never be a headache that pounds and screams in his head.

To this day, it’s still unbelievable.

But Charlie allows it.

He’ll be okay.

He’ll be okay.

--

Charlie wakes up sleepy, his headache long gone.

He smells Nick, even if the actual Nick is not there.

After all, he’s wearing a jumper that is not his, and Nellie is cuddling with him.

He smiles, ruffling the dog’s fur.

The room is lit only by soft lights, the day replaced by the night. Everything is quiet and nice and safe.

Charlie finds his phone lying on the other side of the bed, so he takes it – while waking up Nellie, who licks his face happily – and checks if there are any new notifications. He’s kind of relieved there aren’t, mostly from his family. It’s likely Nick must’ve told them he’s here.

Speaking of him…

“Hi.” The door creaks.

“Hi,” Charlie smiles.

Nick is carrying a cup of tea with him, which smells nice and warm. Charlie sits on the bed to take it.

“Is your head better?” Nick wonders.

“Much better.”

Nick hums, which doesn’t sound quite right.

When Charlie looks back at him, he can’t deal with his boyfriend’s sad puppy gaze. Mainly because it’s staring at his face.

“Does it hurt?” Nick whispers.

Charlie takes a sip. “Not really.”

The former is touching his face again.

“Does it look bad?” Charlie asks.

“No. Just… purple. But not swollen at least.”

“Okay.”

There’s a tense silence between them. Charlie wants to say something more. He just doesn’t know what it is.

“I’m sorry,” Nick says.

“What?”

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.”

“Nick, it’s not your fault. You couldn’t have known.”

“You couldn’t have known, either.”

“I mean, I know Ben. I should’ve expected him to do that.”

“No, Charlie. You said yourself you blocked him and you were avoiding him. He should’ve known better, not you.”

“Well then, it’s not your fault either.”

Nick looks defeated. “That’s fair.”

Charlie gives him a little smile.

“I just really want to kick his ass,” Nick says honestly.

“Me too.”

They both snort.

“And I wish no one could ever hurt you again,” his boyfriend whispers sadly.

Charlie lies his head against his shoulder, saying nothing else.

When he finishes his tea, Nick is cuddling with him, giving him kisses on his forehead and his face every now and then.

Charlie knows the headache is gone. But he knows the pain inside might never truly disappear. Nick is also aware of that, and he wants to tell Charlie that he’s going to be there for him no matter what.

He believes Nick.

He doesn’t need to run away.

Not anymore.

[theregularwriter]

I feel I'm knockin' on heaven's door

Fandom: Detroit: Become Human

Rating: T

Relationships: Platonic Hank & Connor

Characters: Connor, Hank Anderson; MENTIONED - Markus, Amanda

Summary: Connor has a personal question to ask Hank, but not the kind of question Hank is expecting.

Word count: 1.381

AO3 / Fanfiction

TRIGGER WARNING - suicidal thoughts

--

“Hank?”

“Hm?”

“Can I ask you a personal question?”

Hank rolls his eyes and sighs.

“Alright,” he says.

Connor takes a long time to ask it.

“... what do you do to cope with your suicidal thoughts?”

Hank watches him for a very long time, trying to read the android, who avoids his stare.

“Well, you know me, Connor. But I guess they just… got less louder nowadays,” he answers regardless. “They’re still there sometimes, and… I dunno, I still want to die, but I remember some things are worth living for.”

Hank expects Connor to say something, but is only met with tense silence. The latter regrets asking the question in the first place.

STRESS LEVELS: 60%

“Why?” Hank urges, seeing that he won’t get anything. “Do you… think about dying?”

STRESS LEVELS: 68%

“Do you want to die, Connor?”

The android wishes he had a coin right now.

Hank has scooted closer to him.

“Connor,” he says, softer, “you can talk to me, bud.”

If you told the former lieutenant he’d ever sound like this towards Connor, he’d give you the middle finger and tell you to fuck yourself.

Connor realizes he’s hugging his own knees, curling into a ball to protect himself. Hank has apparently muted the TV given there’s no sound other than Sumo whining and sniffing the android’s foot.

Connor quickly glances at Hank, only to avert the gaze again.

“I just keep thinking…” he lets out without planning to.

Hank waits.

Connor gulps.

“... it’s my fault.”

“What is your fault?”

“I… hurt people.”

Past Connor would’ve called them “deviants” like they’re not living beings.

“And CyberLife almost took control over me.”

He can instantly feel Hank frowning at him.

“Wait, what?”

Connor never told anyone about… her. Not even Hank knows.

“During Markus’ speech,” he explains, “when I thought I was finally free… she- they tried to control me. I would’ve killed Markus right where he stood.”

STRESS LEVELS: 75%

Connor’s vision… blurs, for some reason.

“Ever since that day, I keep wondering if I’m free at all. I wonder if anything I feel or do is real. If they’re the ones behind it the entire time. After all… they planned my deviancy. Who knows if they’re coming back again? Who knows if I actually end up killing Markus one day?”

STRESS LEVELS: 80%

“That’s why I…” Connor sniffs. Something is coming out of his eye. Something that aches and burns. “I feel like I do just ruin everyone’s lives, and it would be better if I didn’t exist.”

STRESS LEVELS: 87%

WARNING! STRESS LEVELS RISING CRITICALLY

Suddenly, like it’s reading Connor’s computerized mind, an arm is wrapped around him, and a warm body is next to him.

“... but you didn’t kill Markus, did you?”

Connor shakes his head. “No, but if I did–”

“You didn’t kill him, Connor. You fought CyberLife with your own free will. You liberated all those androids, you fought your evil clone and you saved my life, more than once. You saved so many lives. Do you think CyberLife would care about saving anyone? Would they care about me? Or Markus?”

He shakes his head again. “Still–”

“Connor,” Hank’s other hand touches his arm. “You are alive.”

“Still, Hank, what if they try again?”

“Then you won’t let it. You’re strong, Connor. Maybe the most stubborn motherfucker I know.”

He admits he lets out a little snort, so naturally…

STRESS LEVELS: 75%

Still, the… tears won’t stop.

If anything, there are more of them.

“It just hurts, Hank,” he admits.

Hank sighs. “Yeah.”

He speaks from his heart.

There’s something in Connor’s mind that feels even more of a secret than Amanda.

“Hank?”

“Yeah?”

“... when I was in that stage,” Connor prefaces, “with the gun in my hand… I considered shooting myself instead of Markus. For a moment, I thought it was the right thing to do. The only way to be free.”

The silence becomes heavier.

Sumo is licking his feet now, probably as a way to comfort him.

Connor is waiting for a reply. Anything. Even if it’s nothing at all.

So, he’s surprised when two arms are tightening around him, tighter than he’s ever been hugged.

Hank is hiding his face in Connor’s shoulder.

“You found another way,” he mumbles. “And I’m really proud of you.”

His voice breaks at the last sentence.

The android doesn’t think he’s ever seen the ex-lieutenant… cry.

Connor feels guilty.

He gets it now.

If Hank lost someone else…

“I’m sorry.”

Hank is suddenly pulling back with the most serious expression.

“Connor, it’s not your fault. You don’t have to apologize for wanting to die.”

“But I would’ve hurt you–”

“You’re hurting, that matters, too. You matter, too.”

STRESS LEVELS: 65%

Connor is the one lying on the older man’s shoulder now, as if out of exhaustion. Hank is squeezing him again, rocking the two of them side to side.

STRESS LEVELS: 55%

Connor is sobbing even if quietly. Hank is soothing his back, making sure he’s there for him every single minute. In the meantime, Connor can sense Sumo lying his head on the RK800’s lap, which is surprising given the dog would’ve probably jumped on the men to be part of the hug.

The android eventually quiets down, and even so, Hank doesn’t let go just yet. And the former is grateful for it.

STRESS LEVELS: 48%

“Connor,” Hank calls him, “If you ever feel like dying again, please tell me. If you want to hurt yourself, tell me right away. Try not to suffer in silence, alright? I know how much it hurts being alone, and I know that talking to people helps. It’s not easy, but it does.” He pats Connor’s back. “I’m sure Markus and the others would be willing to help you, too. They’re your people, and you’re theirs.”

The RK800 tenses again.

STRESS LEVELS: 56%

“What if they hate me if they found out?”

“If it helps… Markus would never hate you. He’d do anything to help. If the others hate you, then they’re a bunch of hypocrites. So many androids have done things they’re not proud of. Maybe Markus has his own baggage, too. That’s probably why he welcomes everyone.”

Connor thinks about it, and indeed, Markus might be the most receptive person he knows. He would probably drop everything to help Connor if he were in any sort of trouble.

STRESS LEVELS: 40%

“You’re not alone, Connor,” the former lieutenant reassures him. “We’ll make sure of that. You just gotta allow yourself to be vulnerable, like you did right now. It’s hard, I know. That’s why it’s one step at a time.”

Connor looks at him with admiration. Hank is very wise and honest, even if he developed a hard shell throughout the years. Connor admires him for opening up like this, for hugging the android, for never hesitating to protect him and be there for him in dire times.

The RK800 smiles.

STRESS LEVELS: 30%

Finally, Hank lets go. They’re both smiling at each other, with teary faces and everything. Connor gives Sumo the attention the latter is dying for, judging by his wagging tail. Meanwhile, Hank stands up to grab something from the kitchen… as it turns out, it’s a cup of thirium that they customized. Connor thanks him and drinks it, which feels so relieving.

STRESS LEVELS: 25%

Hank and Connor, along with Sumo, watch TV until bedtime comes. Connor doesn’t need to ask to sleep in Hank’s room tonight. If anything, the older man doesn’t want him to be alone, either.

Since the stage, Connor has been afraid of going into sleep mode. He’s always scared that CyberLife, Amanda might return.

You accomplished your mission.

STRESS LEVELS: 40%

Connor is staring at the ceiling, clutching the blanket tightly. He looks to the side, seeing Hank’s back.

The android reaches him, wrapping his arm around him.

For a moment, Hank doesn’t do anything. Connor might sense him tensing a little. Maybe due to… familiarity.

Still, eventually, Hank is turning around and hugging Connor back.

“You’re alright, I got you,” he whispers, running his fingers through the other’s brown hair.

Connor allows it.

STRESS LEVELS: 30%

“I got you, Connor.”

Connor breathes in.

And out.

STRESS LEVELS: 15%

He’s alive.

[theregularwriter]

Sing me to sleep (I don't want to wake up on my own anymore)

Fandom: Steven Universe

Rating: T

Relationships: Steven & Lars

Characters: Steven Quartz Universe, Lars Barriga; MINOR - Pearl

Summary: Steven gets a surprise visit. Post-I Am My Monster.

Word count: 1.576

AO3

A/N: This was inspired by The Perks of Being a Wallflower, a movie I FINALLY got to watch. I really enjoyed it, so much that it's making me listen to The Smiths on repeat now. Help.

TRIGGER WARNINGS - suicidal thoughts, suicide attempt, overdose, medications, and depression

DO NOT SHIP LARS AND STEVEN. P/ROSHIP DNI.

--

“Steven?”

The motherly, angelic voice that always brings him joy and love every morning… is only a grim reminder.

Steven didn’t want to hear it again.

He turns around to not face Pearl, who keeps her distance to respect his space, as far as he can tell.

“We have a surprise for you,” she says teasingly, like that one time before Steven accidentally shot his old water gun at her.

Steven whines, “I’m not hungry.” He wants to say leave me alone, but he doesn’t.

Immediately he can tell Pearl is rolling her eyes affectionately at him.

“Would you just turn around?”

It takes everything for Steven to follow her command, and when he finally opens his eyes he finds Pearl, and…

“... Lars?!”

“Hey, Steven,” Lars grins at him. He’s wearing more casual clothes than the last time Steven saw him, like he lives in the Universe residence.

“We’re going to talk to Dr. Maheswaran while you two stay here,” Pearl instructs them. “I’m sure you have a lot to catch up.”

Steven gulps, wondering if they told Lars about… the monster incident. From the looks of it, he’s assuming they didn’t. Lars might look concerned but he doesn’t seem desperate; it’s really a more casual visit.

Suddenly, Pearl is kissing Steven’s forehead.

“Call us if you need, alright?” She whispers to him.

He nods tiredly.

Before she leaves she puts a trusting hand on Lars’ shoulder. The pale gem nods at him and smiles, then finally goes downstairs.

So, there are only the boys in the room. Steven is too exhausted to stand up and hug Lars the tightest he can.

And maybe Lars catches on to that, because he’s the one going to the bed and wrapping his arms around him.

For the first time in a while, Steven feels… alive.

He feels like existing just for this hug.

It lasts a while. Lars doesn’t complain.

Steven smiles, content, eyes tearing up but not shedding anything.

Lars sighs and pats his back, letting go. Steven doesn’t want it to end. He does nothing about it.

“So,” Lars claps his hands together. “What’s up?”

“Oh,” Steven yawns. “Nothing much. I’ve been just… sleeping.”

Lars snorts. “I envy you.”

The half-gem frowns. “I thought you’d be in space for…” Forever. “A long time?”

“Ah, yeah, I dunno.”

“Don’t tell me space got boring.”

“Actually… yeah, it kinda did.”

Steven blinks. “What? How come?”

Lars is the one who looks sad now.

“I mean, space is neat, I liked going out there again, but… it’s not the same thing, y’know? I missed home. I missed you guys.” He’s wrapping an arm around Steven to squeeze him in a half hug. “I missed you.”

The younger boy’s eyes widen. “You… missed me?”

Lars laughs but worriedly. “Yeah, why wouldn’t I? You’re my friend.”

Steven shouldn’t be surprised, should he?

“I… I guess I just thought…” he gulps, “you’d be better off without me.”

Admittedly, these words were meant to be in his head.

Lars looks hurt.

“Of course not, Steven. I really like your company.”

Then why didn’t you stay when I asked you to? Steven wants to bite. But no, it’s unfair to say that now that Lars is opening his heart to him.

“I missed your visits, too,” Lars leans on him, so Steven’s head is under his chin. “The Off Colors also wondered how you were doing. I didn’t bring them today because your family told me you might want some privacy.”

Indeed, he doesn’t know.

Steven is unsure whether he’s relieved or not.

“I…” he sniffs, silencing the tears before they can come out. “I missed you, too.”

So much, he wants to say. So, so, so, so much.

Lars probably hears it.

“Yeah.”

Steven blushes. “How long are you staying?”

“I dunno, a while. Don’t worry, I’ll make sure we spend more time together.” Lars winks at him.

“Yeah… that’d be nice.”

Steven doesn’t have the heart to tell him.

Lars is looking around the big bedroom, admiring the decoration. As Steven lies on his chest and is relaxing again into deep slumber…

“What’s this?”

His friend is holding a small plastic pot.

Steven curses internally.

“Oh, that… that helps me sleep,” he explains as vaguely as possible.

Lars is frowning suspiciously.

“It’s empty.”

Dammit.

“The gems know you need more, right?” Lars asks him.

Steven wants to sleep.

He just wants to sleep.

Like he should have.

“Steven.”

“It’s fine, Lars, I’ll just… text Dr. Maheswaran later.”

He tries to sleep – and hopefully not wake up –, when Lars cups his face for better observation. Steven is avoiding the other’s big worried eyes, unable to hide anything.

“Steven,” Lars says seriously. “You don’t look well. You should go to the hospital.”

“No, Lars, I’m fine.”

“I’m not stupid, Steven. I know what you did with these pills.”

Lars lets go – he can’t let go, he can’t – and is taking his phone from his pocket, quickly texting someone.

“Wait, don’t tell them, please!” Steven begs.

Lars ignores him.

“Don’t do this to me, don’t- don’t do this to them, Lars,” the other tries.

The older one sighs. “I’m taking you there, come on.”

As Lars bends down to pick him up, Steven flinches away.

“No.”

“Steven.”

“No, don’t do this.”

“Steven, don’t make me take you by force.”

“Please, don’t.” Steven can’t hold the tears to himself anymore.

Lars sighs, softening his expression. “I just want to help you.”

“You can’t help me.”

“You’re going to be okay.”

“I’m not.”

“Steven, please, let me help.”

“I said you can’t help me!” Steven slaps the other’s hands away.

Lars doesn’t even get angry.

He just looks sorrowful.

Why isn’t he angry?

“Why can’t I help?” Lars asks, broken.

“Because you can’t.”

“Steven, tell me why I can’t help you.”

“You just can’t!”

“Why?” Lars starts losing his patience.

“BECAUSE I’M A MONSTER!”

The one thing he never wanted to tell him.

Lars is confused.

“I’m a monster, okay?!” Steven yells. “I- I literally turned into one and I almost destroyed everything! I almost killed my own family! I- I SHATTERED Jasper! I only did horrible things and everyone is trying their best to help me, but it’s not going anywhere!”

Steven cries horrors, feeling like at any moment he’s going to turn into that pink aberration again, and the last thing he wants is to hurt Lars, again.

“St… Steven–”

“Just let me go to sleep!” Steven screams. “JUST LET ME DIE!”

He sobs and turns away from his friend, covering himself in blankets. Every sob that comes out of his chest hurts badly, and he’s so tired of this pain. He wants it to stop for once.

Beyond his noises of despair, the room has grown awfully silent. You might think Lars has even left. Maybe so.

But he feels another weight on his bed, and a hand reaching out to the back of his head, caressing his curls.

Steven hates that he can’t resist.

“I’m so tired, Lars,” he says in the middle of tears. “I’m tired of this pain. I’m…” he hiccups. “I’m tired of being alone.”

Lars is then… lying down and wrapping an arm around the blanketed Steven, like he’s hugging a giant burrito.

“D… D-Do you ever get lonely, even when you’re around people?” Steven asks, knowing very well the answer.

The taller boy sighs, pulling him closer. Steven can’t do this anymore. He’s turning around and hugging Lars back with everything he has.

Lars doesn’t say anything.

They just hug one another like the world is ending.

Indeed, Steven is afraid he’s going to turn into a monster again. But Lars keeping a hold on him… helps him feel a little less scared.

Or at least, feel that it’s okay to be scared.

Steven eventually calms down in the hug, and even then Lars doesn’t let go for a long, long time.

He wishes he could stay here forever.

But…

He knows he can’t.

Steven is the one that lets go, with fears consuming him.

“Do you…” he gulps, “do you think they’re going to hate me?”

Lars wipes his tears for him.

“No,” he says simply.

Steven tears up more. “Do you hate me?”

“No,” Lars answers like it's absurd to ever hate Steven Universe.

“Even though I’m a monster?”

“You’re not a monster.”

“But I did so many awful things.”

“And you’ve been through a lot of awful things, too.” Lars smiles sadly. “You deserve love, Steven, and you deserve help.”

Steven is looking at him in the eye, seeing how honest his friend is brings more tears to the table.

“I promise you I’m going to stay with you,” Lars says. “Do you trust me?

The other nods without hesitation.

“You’re going to be okay, Steven. I’ll be right there with you.”

Steven nods again.

Lars picks him up less desperately, making sure Steven feels okay with it. Then, the former is screaming a portal right in front of them, the same way Lion does.

Steven is afraid still, unsure what’s going to happen on the other side.

But at least Lars has got him.

And he’s not letting go.

Steven embraces himself, protected in the other’s arms.

Lars then goes for it.

Whatever they face, they’re doing it together.

Steven smiles as they head through the light.

Whatever happens, things will be okay.

It’s okay

You’ve got nothing to fear

I’m here

I’m here

[theregularwriter]

Dark, darker yet darker

Fandom: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood

Rating: T

Relationships: Alphonse & Edward

Characters: Alphonse Elric, Edward Elric; MINOR - Winry Rockbell, Pinako Rockbell, Pride | Selim Bradley

Summary: When Al was little, he was afraid of the darkness. The light of the lamp, of his mother’s smile, and his brother’s presence used to soothe him.

Nowadays, Alphonse avoids the light.

Because in the light, there are shadows.

Including his own.

Word count: 1.911

AO3

TRIGGER WARNINGS - major character death in dream, nightmare, paranoia, hallucinations, trauma, panic/anxiety attack, and ableist language

DO NOT SHIP THE ELRIC BROTHERS. P/ROSHIP DNI.

--

The door opens, the light invading the dark room.

“Al?”

He’s sitting in bed, hugging his knees. For protection, like he always used to do.

“What are you doing here?” Ed asks, frowning. “Aren’t you going to eat dinner with us?”

“Oh, I’m not very hungry, Brother. I’ll eat later.”

Obviously, Ed is not going to buy the excuse. He’s narrowing his golden eyes in suspicion.

“What’s going on?” He questions, crossing his arms and standing in the entrance.

“Nothing.” Al tries not to stare at his shadow.

“Nothing, huh? Why are you sitting in the dark like a total creep, then?”

“Because…” Al trails off. “I’m just thinking, that’s all.”

“Uh-huh.”

“It’s true, Brother. I just wanted some time alone.”

Ed’s face softens a little, though it still looks serious.

“Al, if something is bugging you…”

“Don’t worry, everything is fine.”

Telling him not to worry is useless, Al thinks to himself. Regardless, his older brother sighs and finally gives up.

“Alright, fine. But if I find out you didn’t eat–”

“I will eat, Brother. I promise.” Al smiles for him. “Go enjoy your dinner.”

Ed looks sad and worried, but he doesn’t insist. He’s always respected Al’s space, and nowadays he’s learning how to be more patient, too. Hence why he closes the door and leaves Al alone.

The younger Elric finally releases a relieved breath, which he has been holding for quite a while.

He looks around the dark room, listening to the crickets outside. It’s peaceful.

He never imagined the dark would become safe to him.

--

When Al was little, he was afraid of the dark. The light of the lamp, of his mother’s smile, and his brother’s presence used to soothe him.

Nowadays, Alphonse avoids the light.

Because in the light, there are shadows.

Including his own.

The first time it happened was during a walk on a sunny day with his brother. It was a beautiful morning, the birds were singing and the wind was soft.

Ed’s voice suddenly shifted into another.

It became haunting laughter.

And on the ground, Al could see… a monster.

His shadow was a monster and it was about to get Ed.

Panicking, Al yelped and jumped away from his brother to save him. Problem is, they were in the middle of town and he ended up tripping and falling over a poor vendor selling fruit. Ed, of course, didn’t understand a thing as he helped Al stand up, concernedly asking what the hell had just happened.

Yet as Al looked at their shadows again and nothing odd happened, he couldn’t tell him what he saw.

Because maybe that monster was a threat.

That if Al doesn’t watch out, his brother will be in danger.

If he goes to the light, everyone else will be in danger.

Since then, Al only goes out on cloudy and rainy days. Sometimes even at night to stargaze until late, much to Ed’s and everyone else’s concern. He does everything to avoid the light, and most importantly to avoid people in the light, so he only eats dinner in the late hours, or early morning so Ed doesn’t find out he basically skipped a meal.

Until one night, at 3 AM, Ed and the Rockbells confront him when he’s eating in silence. They turn on the light from the kitchen, as Al used the lamp from the living room to stay mostly in the dark.

“Alright, Al, this can’t go on any longer,” Ed says impatiently, arms crossed. “You’ve got to tell us what’s going on.”

“Tell you what?”

“Don’t play dumb,” Granny rolls her eyes. “The reason you’ve been completely paranoid lately.”

“Paranoid? I’m not paranoid.”

“You’ve been acting strange for days, Al,” Winry points out worriedly, the saddest out of the trio. “It’s like… you’re scared of something.”

Alphonse swallows a handful of food, trying not to stare at their shadows nor his own.

“Could you please just–” he gulps, “turn off the light?”

“No, Al, you’re going to tell us what the fuck is happening right now.”

“You don’t get it, I–”

“What we don’t get?”

“Edward,” Winry scolds him.

As Al looks at the three of them, he feels something chill in his bones, causing him to shiver.

A presence.

The monster.

He knows it.

Al drops everything, abruptly standing up.

“Al-?” Winry tries, but he’s rushing past them the fastest he can.

“Al, get back here!” Ed yells.

He closes the door and locks it right before Ed aggressively tries the handle and slams on the door.

“ALPHONSE, OPEN THIS DOOR!” Ed commands. “AL!”

“Ed, stop!” Winry begs. “You’re just going to make things worse!”

“Please, Al, just- just talk to me!”

It hurts how heartbroken Ed sounds.

Al is shaking his head, even if they can’t see it. He’s also trying not to cry right now, so he doesn’t upset his brother further.

“Please,” Ed begs, quieter. “Al…”

Winry sighs. “Come on, Ed. He needs some time alone.”

From the sounds of it, she has pulled Ed away from the door, as Al hears steps going downstairs. Only now does the latter realize he can’t breathe well and his body is rushing like it’s in imminent danger.

Al has to do this.

It’s for their best.

--

He sees…

The light.

The white void of the Truth, that took away his body.

The smile of a wicked child and their multiple red eyes.

Suddenly, shadows are trapping Al’s fragile human body, forcing his eyes open, unable to close and be comforted by the dark. It hurts.

In front of him stands Pride, the most powerful homunculus he’s ever had to battle. The boy is smiling at Al with gluttony, desiring more and more power. And next to him…

“Brother!”

Ed is also trapped in the black tentacles, but he can barely move. He looks hurt.

“You thought you would get away?” Pride teases. “I am everywhere. I am unavoidable.”

He’s tightening the hold around Edward, who doesn’t react. Al is crying.

“Brother, no!” He begs. “Please, stop!”

“It’s too late.”

Al gasps at the weakened voice that comes from Ed, who finally raises his head with hatred in his eyes.

“All of this…” he glares at Alphonse. “Is your fault.”

The other hiccups. “B-Brother… I’m…”

Pride smirks.

Multiple bones break.

“NO!!”

Ed is lying dead on the ground.

Al can’t even break free.

“No! Brother! BROTHER!!”

“Shh…” Pride’s shadow literally shuts his mouth. “It’s over.”

Al tries to scream as loud as he can, but it comes out muffled.

All he feels next is more unbearable pain.

And the shadows taking over the light.

And… darkness.

…

“... Al!”

He gasps, his face wet.

In front of him is…!

“Brother?” Al speaks like he’s talking to a ghost. “Y-You’re not…?”

He can’t finish the sentence as he realizes something.

The light.

The shadows.

The pain returns.

“Turn it off!” Al screams.

“What?”

“THE LIGHT! TURN IT OFF!”

“Okay, okay! I’ll turn it off.”

A few seconds later, darkness is reigning their room, much to Al’s relief.

“Al, why–” Ed interrupts himself, likely thinking over his next words. “Why are you… afraid of the light?”

The other sniffs, crying as he can’t forget his own brother telling him everything is his fault. He’s hugging himself to hide his shame.

“Alphonse…” Ed sounds like he wants to cry, too. “You can talk to me.”

“You don’t get it.”

“I might if you tell me what’s happening.”

“I can’t tell you.”

“Why not?”

The worst part is, Ed isn’t even angry this time.

Al can’t accept it.

“It’s–” He sobs. “It’s PRIDE, okay?!”

He can tell Ed tenses.

“Pride?”

Al squeezes himself tighter. “E-Every time we’re out in the light, I… I see him, I sense him, and he’s out to hurt you. That’s why I… I can’t let him!”

As he sobs, Ed is contemplative for a while.

“So… you’re afraid of the shadows,” the latter concludes

“I dreamed he killed you right in front of me,” Al weeps. “A-And you told me…”

Even though it’s mostly dark, he can see his brother’s tragic face.

“It’s my fault,” Al completes.

“Al… Oh, Alphonse.”

Ed is hugging him, kissing his head while Al can’t help clinging back, as if starved for the gentle affection. After all, he has been isolating himself from everyone in order to protect them from him.

They’re safe now.

They’re safe.

“I’m sorry for being a jerk to you,” Ed apologizes.

Al shakes his head. “It’s not your fault I’m being paranoid. I’m…” He buries his face in his brother’s chest and cries like a child. “I-I’m crazy.”

“No, nonono.” Ed is pulling him away to look at him. “Al, you are NOT crazy.”

“But I keep- I keep seeing things that aren’t there,” Al talks fast, unable to breathe, “and I keep making everything hard for you–”

“Shhhh,” Ed cups his face. “Pride scared you and he’s messing with your head. You’re not crazy, Al. You’re just scared.”

Alphonse sniffs, shivering as his brother softly wipes his tears for him.

“I… I just don’t want to hurt you,” he admits.

“You won’t. I promise no one is going to hurt us, and if they try to, I’ll kick their ass.”

Al can’t help smiling a little at the last sentence, lying on Ed’s chest again. The latter hugs him protectively.

“I don’t blame you for being scared,” Ed says. “Pride was fucking hell. I can’t even imagine how it must’ve felt to be… controlled by him.”

The moment he shivers, Ed is tightening the hold a little more, but not to engulf him. Al appreciates it, or else he would’ve felt like his bones were being snapped again.

“I wish I could kick his ass again for hurting you,” Ed hisses. Al smiles again, saying nothing.

His brother is warm, unlike the shadows, unlike the darkness. But he’s not the light either because he stays there for Al in the dark moment. He doesn’t have to be the light to be warm.

Al is grateful he has Ed with him.

“Ed?”

“Hm?”

“I love you.”

He can tell Ed is grinning like an idiot with the kiss he gives his forehead.

“I love you, too,” the latter says. “No meanie Pride is going to tear us apart.”

Al snorts, relaxing for once in the other’s hold. Ed is then lying both of them down, not letting go of Al for anything, smoothing his short blond hair.

As he’s slowly falling asleep, a question comes to haunt him.

“Brother?” He calls. “How… How am I going to face the light tomorrow?”

Ed seems close to sleeping too, since he hums tiredly and takes a while to reply.

“Baby steps, Al,” he says, rubbing Al’s back. “I’ll be there with you for each one of them.”

The younger Elric hums, satisfied. “Okay. Thanks, Brother.”

Ed yawns. “You’re welcome, Al.”

The Elric brothers stick together in the night. Al could never be more glad to be able to sleep with someone again, after staying lonely for years.

In a way, you could say Al was trying to seek comfort from the dark nothing of the armor. That’s why he’s been alone until now.

Though he doesn’t have to be anymore.

He’s got his brother with him, like he always did.

Like he always will.

Al falls asleep with a smile, protected by Ed, though making sure he gets to be protected, too.

[theregularwriter]

Beaming Sunlight

Fandom: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood

Rating: G

Relationships: Alphonse & Edward

Characters: Alphonse Elric, Edward Elric; MENTIONED - Winry Rockbell, Pinako Rockbell

Summary: Maybe Al is still asleep. Maybe that’s why he didn’t answer earlier.

Ed sighs in relief, heading to the kitchen to leave the groceries, so he can go to his and Al’s bedroom to check on him.

He stops dead in his tracks.

Near the phone lies…

“... ALPHONSE!”

Word count: 1.225

AO3 / Fanfiction

TRIGGER WARNINGS - flashbacks and implied past character death

DO NOT SHIP THE ELRIC BROTHERS. P/ROSHIP DNI.

--

He shouldn’t have left home.

They already had plans to spend the weekend at Rush Valley, only for Alphonse to decline. Which meant he would rather spend the entire weekend alone. Edward knows his brother better than anyone else; Al is the last person to ever want to be alone.

Ed should’ve trusted his gut and not gone with Winry and Granny. Hence why, thanks to Winry’s encouragement, he decided to head back home. Especially after he did try to call Al, receiving no answer from the other end.

After a trip that felt absurdly long, the once Fullmetal Alchemist buys some groceries to make Al some food. He knows he can’t keep babying his brother forever, now that Al is learning how to walk by himself, yet Al was acting so strange last night. He was… distant, sad, and tired. Ed noticed and still ignored it. He can only hope nothing went horribly wrong.

When the Rockbell house is close enough, it feels as though the remaining distance has grown bigger, like he’s in a dream.

And when Ed does arrive at the door, he hesitates.

He doesn’t know why this feels so familiar.

Either way, he goes in.

The house is dark. As in, the curtains must still be hiding the sunlight.

Maybe Al is still asleep. Maybe that’s why he didn’t answer earlier.

Ed sighs in relief, heading to the kitchen to leave the groceries, so he can go to his and Al’s bedroom to check on him.

He stops dead in his tracks.

Near the phone lies…

“... ALPHONSE!”

Ed has dropped the groceries and rushed to him, desperately taking him in his arms. Al looks much worse than he did last night, so, so pale. He looks lifeless, even though his heart is still beating as Ed checks on it.

“Al,” he begs, shaking the other boy desperately, “Al, can you hear me? Al?!”

There’s… a small cough. Eyes that barely open.

“Br… other…?” Al asks, confused. “You’re… back?”

“Yes, of course I am.”

Al, however, shakes his head.

“You… shouldn’t… have.”

He blacks out again.

“Alphonse,” Ed shakes him once more. “Al!”

Nothing.

The older Elric puts a hand on the other’s neck, flinching like it’s boiling.

Shit. He’s really sick.

Al has been sick this entire time and Ed was too stupid to–

No. No, he can’t blame himself. He needs to call a doctor. And of course, he needs to call Winry and Granny to let them know.

“You’re gonna be okay,” Ed promises his little brother, even if he can’t hear him. “You’re going to be okay, Al. I’ve got you.”

Al doesn’t move while Ed carries him to their room.

The latter wants to not cry.

But it’s impossible.

--

… Macaroni.

It smells good.

Simple but tasty.

Al’s vision is blurry, only acknowledging a warm, soft lamp illuminating the room. He’s aware the sun is strong outside, hence why he… didn’t open the curtains…

Wait.

Why is he in bed?

He doesn’t remember coming back here.

The last thing he does remember was the phone ringing downstairs, and him on his way to pick it up. Nothing after that.

If he blacked out, then… who carried him to bed?

Alphonse hears… someone speaking downstairs. Maybe to the phone, because soon enough he can make it to the noise, indicating that the call is over.

Then, he hears said person rushing upstairs.

… sniffing.

Al immediately sits up, which makes his vision darken suddenly. His head feels heavy.

“Hey, easy!” Edward orders, then softly, “Easy.”

He makes Al lie down again, gently.

“Brother, what are you doing here? Weren’t you supposed to be in Rush Valley?”

“Don’t worry about it.” Ed looks terrible, tear-stained. “Are you feeling okay?”

Al hums. “Head hurts.”

“I can tell.” His brother is touching his cheeks, both to check on his temperature, and to make sure he’s there. “Are you hungry?”

“Kinda, yeah.”

“Okay.” Ed reveals a plate of macaroni indeed, and he puts it on the bedside table, preparing the fork.

“Brother, I can eat it myself.”

“Oh, after you quite literally passed out? I don’t think so.”

Al gulps, even though Ed doesn’t actually sound angry despite the comment. The former is also too sick to protest, so he allows Ed to help him eat, which brings him back to the days at the hospital. Ed also gives Al a glass of water to take a sip every now and then.

“You’re taking medicine later, okay?” He tells Al. “I called a doctor while you were asleep.”

“Okay.” When Ed gives him another piece of food, Al shakes his head. “I think I’m good.”

“Alright.”

Al nervously looks away from his older brother’s concerned frown, already knowing what he’s going to ask.

“... why didn’t you tell me?”

Alphonse sighs.

“I didn’t want to get in the way.”

Ed is taking one of his hands.

“Al, you could never get in my way.”

“I mean, you were all so excited to go to Rush Valley, I didn’t want to ruin your trip.”

“Al…”

The sick boy is tearing up.

“It’s true, Brother,” Al sobs quietly. “I’m just a burden.”

“No, you’re not.”

“You always have to sacrifice things for me.”

“Well… yeah. But it’s worth it.”

“Why?” Al looks back.

Ed’s eyes are glowing with tears, too.

“Because you’re worth it. And you’re sick, Al. You don’t deserve to be alone for being sick.”

Al contemplates.

“I… don’t have to be useful?”

“No,” Ed answers obviously.

Indeed, it should be obvious, right?

“Al… I know you were taught to believe that while you were an armor,” Ed says like he’s reading his mind. “I know back then you couldn’t focus on yourself. I want you to know that it’s okay to prioritize yourself, especially now that you’re human again. You get to be human now, Alphonse.”

He gets to be human now.

Al cries harder.

Ed hugs him.

The other clings to him like a little kid. It also feels like Ed is hugging him in relief.

Al sniffs, “I-I’m sorry for w-worrying you, Brother.”

Edward sighs. “I’m always going to worry about you, Al. That’s not really your fault.” He pauses. “Just promise me you’re going to tell me when you get sick, okay?”

“Okay. I promise.”

“Good.” Ed is the one that sobs now.

It hits Al, then.

How his brother must have felt finding Al unconscious downstairs. How familiar it must have been for him…

“I’m sorry,” Alphonse repeats.

Ed tenses, probably realizing the meaning of the apology.

Thus, he squeezes Al a little tighter.

“It’s okay. I’ve got you now.”

“Yeah,” Al smiles sadly on his shoulder. “I’m not going anywhere.”

That seems to reassure his big brother, since he relaxes for once.

Al doesn’t want to let go. Not yet.

Or ever.

But he doesn’t want to force Ed, either, not with him being sick.

Yet apparently, with his older brother instincts…

“Hey, scoot over, will you?”

“But… I’m sick,” Al argues.

“Well, you need me, Al. I’m not going to leave you.”

“But what if you get sick?”

“I’m gonna be fine.”

“Brother.”

“It’s okay, Al. Really.”

Al hates that he wants Ed to stay and hug him. He hates that he doesn’t want to be alone.

But… It's okay to be human.

For both of them.

[theregularwriter]

Parachutes

Fandom: Heartstopper (Netflix)

Rating: T

Relationships: Charlie/Nick

Characters: Charlie Spring, Nick Nelson

Summary: He can’t even look at his boyfriend.

“Charlie,” Nick says softly, “it’s okay.”

That’s not true.

It’s not okay.

It’s not.

Word count: 1.146

AO3

A/N: I wrote this based both on my personal experience, as well as Solitaire, which I've been reading in the past days. This is not compliant with the webcomic, instead season 1 of the Netflix series.

TRIGGER WARNINGS - self-harm (cutting), injury, anxiety, and non-explicit descriptions of blood.

P/roship DNI.

He can’t even look at his boyfriend.

“Charlie,” Nick says softly, “it’s okay.”

That’s not true.

It’s not okay.

It’s not.

“It’s okay,” Nick insists, likely reading his mind. “It happens, Charlie.”

Why isn’t he angry? Why isn’t he disappointed?

Why isn’t he leaving him?

Any person would.

“Charlie,” his boyfriend whispers, sounding sad. Even then, he’s not breaking down in tears.

The curly-haired teen is shaking his head, his eyes burning in the same intensity as his arms, bloodshot like the multiple wounds that taint his body.

“I-It’s–” he sobs, “it’s not. It’s not okay.”

He’s squeezing his left arm, his hand stained with red. Nick is putting a gentle hand on top of his to calm him down.

“This is my fault,” Charlie says.

The boy stares at Nick’s hoodie, just so he doesn’t have to see his tragic look.

“I resisted for so long, and now… I did it again,” Charlie sniffs. “After I promised myself, after I promised my friends and- and Tori, and my parents… I f-failed everyone, and…” His lips quiver. “I failed myself.”

He knows it’s just going to make things worse, but Charlie wants to tear his arm further, to bleed more as a punishment. But of course, Nick won’t let that happen.

“Charlie, look at me.”

The other shakes his head.

“Please.” Nick slowly cups his face, ready to remove it if Charlie feels uncomfortable. “Look at me.”

He doesn’t want to.

But… he has to.

For Nick’s sake.

All he meets is patience.

Patience and unconditional love.

Charlie might not even believe that they’re for him, but they are.

“Charlie,” Nick begins, “you’re hurting. That’s not your fault. You didn’t fail anyone and you didn’t fail yourself. Relapses are normal. Of course they’re painful, but it doesn’t mean that your entire progress has gone down the drain.”

His boyfriend’s fingers tenderly wipe his tears for him, extremely careful like Charlie is made of glass. Cracked glass, that is. So cracked that the reflections are horribly distorted. That’s not what Nick sees, and perhaps that’s not what his loved ones see, either.

“Believe me, you’re not a failure. You’re a human being,” Nick smiles sadly. “Repeat that.”

Charlie gulps.

“I���m… not a failure,” he tries. “I-I’m a human being.”

“One more time.”

Charlie chuckles. “I’m not a failure. I’m a human being.”

“You repeat it to yourself as many times as you need, okay?” Nick tells him. “You’re the most beautiful human being in the world.”

“You sound like a coach,” Charlie snorts.

“Well… I’m a rugby lad, I can’t help it.”

That has Charlie actually laugh. Well, it sounds wet and messy. But it’s something.

Finally, Nick takes his stained hand, not disgusted at all. Sad, of course, but not at all hesitant.

“Let’s clean you up, shall we?”

Charlie wants to cry again, yet in joy and gratitude. He’s never met someone as willing to take care of him without breaking down. Of course, Charlie knows anyone is right to feel upset about this; although Tori is the best person to help him with it, he knows that she cries a lot in her room, even letting out tears while with Charlie because of how much it affects her.

Nick is still affected, obviously. He looks sad and worried, but he doesn’t mourn Charlie. Nick is determined to learn the proper way to approach to help Charlie feel better.

He shouldn’t be surprised, because this is Nick Nelson, the most amazing person in the whole world. The actual most beautiful human being. But still, Charlie can’t help it.

Nick does most of the work, which makes Charlie feel guilty. The latter wants everything to be clean and perfect again, like nothing happened. He’s already thinking about telling his family and how he dreads the possibility. Just these thoughts make him want to hurt himself again.

Suddenly, Nick is right by his side with a cup of warm chocolate with marshmallows. Charlie is admittedly not hungry, but it smells and tastes too great to be rejected. Besides, Nick gave it with his heart.

Charlie, though, can’t help staring at his now bandaged arms, knowing the cuts will become another couple of scars in his body. He doesn’t usually show his arms out there, instead resorting to big clothes. He really hates his body, that’s why he wants to hurt it. But when Charlie hurts it, he hates himself more for it. It’s an unhealthy cycle that never ends.

Maybe noticing his contemplation, Nick is taking off his hoodie – which always has Charlie stare and catch himself blushing.

“Here.” Nick hands it to him. “You can keep it.”

Charlie smirks. “Like I don’t already keep all your other ones.”

Nick rolls his eyes. “I’m willingly giving this to you. No charges.”

Charlie wants to kiss him.

As soon as he puts on the hoodie – which smells so… Nick –, he lies against his boyfriend’s arms and lets himself be hugged. Nick kisses his forehead for a few seconds, so Charlie still feels it even when they’re apart.

“Nick?” He calls.

“Hm?”

“Will you…” Charlie bites his lip. “Stay over tonight?”

“Yeah. I cleared up with my mum.”

“Okay.”

Silence. Mostly from Charlie’s part.

“What?” Nick asks, knowing something is on his mind.

“I… don’t want to tell them.”

Nick thinks. Charlie doesn’t need to specify who “they” are.

“But… they’ve got to know, right?” Nick asks.

“Well, yeah, but I’m scared they’re going to be mad at me.”

They contemplate. Or Charlie thinks of everything that can go wrong.

“Maybe we could tell Tori first,” Nick suggests, “then your parents.”

“We?”

“Yeah, I could help you tell them.”

“Nick,”– Charlie jumps out of the hug –“you don’t have to do that.”

“I want to. I know this is a hard thing to tell someone, that’s why I want to be there for you.”

He sounds so certain… He really does love Charlie.

“Are you sure?” Charlie insists.

“Yeah. I mean, only if you want, Charlie. I’m not going to force anything.”

Charlie is conflicted, as usual. He wants to kiss Nick for being so amazing. He wants to push Nick away precisely because he’s amazing. He wants to hide in the dark and never come out. But most importantly…

He wants help.

Charlie sighs, relieved.

“Okay,” he whispers. “We’ll do it together.”

Nick grins like a golden retriever, like the literal sun. So bright…

“Okay.”

With that, the two return to their cuddling position, the warm chocolate cooling down. Even then, Nick still drinks the rest, while never letting go of Charlie.

Every time they hug or cuddle, Charlie forgets the world outside. He gets to feel safe and comforted in his boyfriend’s strong arms, and most importantly, Charlie feels loved even in this state.

Charlie is loved.

And he deserves it.

He just needs to remember that.