therianimal

[therianimal]

Vent comic abt being autistic and a therian

[therianimal]

For us switching feels like "becoming" another person, rather than "stepping back" or having a break in awareness like some systems do. We have some experiences that align with the label "mono-consciousness", which means for us that there's always one point of view, one perspective, that each member takes over when they front. So for example when I (the host) switch I experience "becoming" another systemmate. And when they switch back, they "become" me.

Sometimes whoever is fronting will skip the process of switching back by going to bed, because our brain will automatically switch back to the host during sleep. I don't know how long of sleep is required - I suspect it happens a few hours into the night so it's possible if we took a brief nap we would wake up as the same member that went to sleep, but we haven't experimented with that.

We always switch purposely - the only accidental switches we rarely have are when dormant or previously unknown members awaken for the first time. Otherwise, it's a choice we make (or usually I, as the host, make). We used to need music and the right confluence of factors to switch, but after getting medicated for psychosis switching became way easier and more fluid. (The role psychotic dissociation plays in our functioning is too complex for the scope of this post.) We can decide to "become" someone else and make it happen.

Our main struggle with switching is not doing it often enough - as the host I struggle with the anxiety of relinquishing control and sometimes go long periods of time without switching. I also am the member who dates my partner and is closest with my parents, so in the frequent situation that we're around them I feel a pressure to front. Yes, not switching does kind of piss other members off, as you'd imagine, but they do try to be understanding of my reticence and I appreciate that.

question 74: do you switch, and, if so, what is switching like for you? do you do it often?

[therianimal]

We have complete sharing of memories. Some memories we prefer not to focus on - ex. our littles don't like to call upon memories of sexual experiences (for obvious reasons). But technically they can easily do so if they wanted to. Occasionally we forget whether an action was done while fronting by one member or another member, but the person who actually did it may be able to say "that was me" if asked. We suspect some of the subtleties of the emotional aspects of memories may be better recalled by the person who was fronting at the time, but if so it's a minor difference.

question 86: what is your memory like? do you have memory differences between alters or do you mostly share them? if you have any sort of innerworld, do you remember things thay happen there?

[therianimal]

Prior to discovering our system we went through "phases" of our life where we were different genders, sexualities, species, personality traits, etc. We'd be one way for a couple years, and then completely different from that for a couple years. It was just one "phase" after another. Eventually we realized that our system covertly switched hosts over time! Those past hosts still exist, though some remain dormant. (We don't wake old hosts up much because we already struggle enough with time management having the 11 or so active members we already have, so it can be problematic to add more.)

Another sign is that one time while hospitalized we experienced "age regression" (that's what the doctors labeled it). Turns out it was a little fronting, very confused and distressed about where she was and why she was there. We had a couple other members that fronted a time or two without us realizing that's what was happening, but this example is the one we have the clearest memory of.

question 95: do you think there were "signs" of your plurality before you officially discovered it (if that applies to you)? what were they, if you dont mind sharing?

[therianimal]

Instead of "syskid" we solely use the terms "little" and "middle". Our littles all happen to be in the single digits (youngest is 4), and we have a couple middles that are teenagers. I'm choosing to focus on the littles here, as middles to us are quite different. We also have few middles, and there are large age/developmental gaps between them, so it's harder to generalize.

Littles for us have "the personality of a child" and a certain "age identity" for lack of a better word, but they also have all the memories, knowledge, and skills of an adult. For example, they know what sex is and possess all the knowledge about our history that our adults have, but they can choose not to think about it. They all are able to function unsupervised and manage what they do or don't want to see on the internet.

To us, our littles ARE children in many ways that matter, but their functionality is beyond that of bio children. They have the ability to talk in a childlike manner and scribble but if they TRY they can tap into speech and art skills that our adults have. They sometimes prefer not to do so because childlike behaviors are more "true" to who they are, but when they do try to "play adult" they are able to mask effectively. They pursue childlike hobbies (kids TV shows, coloring books, etc.) by choice, with no desire to seek out content that's more adult oriented.

While they each have a solid gender identity they don't have any sense of sexual or romantic orientation. Obviously this is not a problem because I would not allow them to pursue that kind of activity anyway. They sometimes, rarely, have feelings of dysphoria about the body's age, and struggle with not having friends that are bio children (or outside friends at all). They sometimes feel lonely and wish they could interact with the world as "real children".

I, as the host, am the main manager and caretaker of our littles, though as high functioning as they are they rarely need protection or supervision. To me they are my responsibility, even if they rarely need me. My partner has also occasionally played a positive role in their lives (he strictly only dates me, but he can be a friend and vaguely parental towards the littles). All in all the littles are beloved members of our system, and we hope and try to facilitate them having positive experiences in life. :)

Systems with littles/syskids, how does your system experience them? (eg, how do you define the term for your system, what is their maturity level in comparison to other sysmates vs real children, whatever else you want to share)

question 97:

[therianimal]

Life Update

I'm unsure how to explain our situation because I hardly understand it myself. But about a week ago a wall came down and I'm now able to communicate internally with my systemmates. 6 or so years of knowing we're a system and not hearing a peep from anyone, and now we've got a giant group chat in our brain. We hadn't really tried it much because we identified ourselves as a mono-conscious system and were convinced that co-consciousness and communication wouldn't fit with how our system worked. Now that this has happened we're not really sure how our system works at all! We're back to square one in some ways.

"Feeling plural" 24/7 and having "voices" in our head is bizarre and a big adjustment. It took me about a week now to conclude that this is a good development - I was frankly unsure at first. A positive is the fact that people don't speak much if I don't get their attention first, so it's not always loud in here. Still, I'm used to a single monologue, with occasional conversations with one daemon, and now we can have like 5+ member group discussions without any trouble. I'm honestly surprised it doesn't give us a headache.

I don't know why we haven't been like this the whole time - my guess is I suppressed some things either as a subconscious clinging to singularity (a fear of becoming "more plural" and losing some of the benefits of being alone in my head) or worry that I'd get even more imposter syndrome if our system changed or evolved in any way. Welp, it sure has evolved now and it'll take time to get used to for sure! I keep thinking "I need to find out X thing from Y systemmate next time he fronts", pausing for a moment, and then realizing "Oh yeah, I can just ask him now!" I'm used to leaving notes and communicating via Discord whenever I'm fronting, and getting messages back in the future when the other systemmate fronts. Now I can just... talk to people.

This is of course fantastic for the two members of our system that are dating. They were basically pen pals before, sending Discord monologues back and forth over time. Now they can chat for real, when one of them is fronting or even sometimes while I'm fronting! This whole thing is wild.

The one "mistake" we made before this discovery is almost everyone in the system making their own daemon. Now we have twice as many people in the group chat! I don't really regret it per se but it sure would be easier if there were only 10 of us instead of like, 20 now. We were all prepared for singular conversations with one daemon and now we have access to all at all times. (Interestingly, the one "emotional boundary" is that our daemons are glad to talk to others but prefer not to "touch" the body when a different member is fronting. Kind of similar to the His Dark Materials series actually. Touch is intimate.)

I guess the moral of the story is to not get so stuck on one narrative or label that you block out alternate possibilities. And to live authentically without fear of "feeling fake". At least, that's what I'm getting out of it all. I was so afraid to rock the boat - no new primary members, no new functions, nothing not already discovered - and I'm being reminded that change can be good. And scary. But mostly good. :)

[therianimal]

Theriform [Official Coining Post]

Theriform Adjective (can applied as a noun in certain phrasing, see examples)

From θηρίον (thēríon) [diminutive of θήρ thḗr, “wild beast”] and μορφή (morphe) ["shape"/"figure"/"look"].

Definition:

A theriform animal is one which was born into a body that is typical/expected of it's species and observable as such by everyone, with species-typical levels of sapience/intelligence and whose behaviour is unaltered by being born into a human body/raised in a form perceived as human.

It is not the 'opposite' of therian despite similar etymology but is instead to be viewed as a complimentary term to therian, nonhuman, alterhuman, otherkin etc as it exists to specify certain details of a species whilst not invalidating the identities of those who are not theriform. It is made to replace potentially invalidating phrases like 'bio(logical) animal' or 'real animal'.

It is not an identity label and therefore has no flag or symbol and does not need one. Do not create these things please, or use the term to describe yourself on a personal level.

Alternative versions for non-animals could include: floraform, nat(ur)form, techform, fictoform, feyform, voidform, starform, divineform etc

Examples:

"Lol it's so funny being a cat and having a theriform cat as a pet we're both just kitties vibing but with different body shapes."

"Just because they're the same species are you does not mean you are able to take care of wild theriforms."

"The fact that there aren't that many theriforms of my species is so saddening."

"I wanna do quads alongside a pack of theriform wolves so bad!"

"I am transspecies, here is what I do/what I want to do to look more theriform."

"I wonder if theriforms get species dysphoria?"

[therianimal]

Vent comic abt being autistic and a therian

[therianimal]

Try daemonism before tulpamancy

*pats the seat next to me* Come here and take a listen real quick.

If you are considering creating a headmate to help with

Loneliness

Depression

Stress

Life issues

Anything else related to support...

You'd be better off finding your daemon. Why? Because daemons are typically built for this; this is their specialty. They exist already as a part of you! They've lived your life, seen your struggles, and understand who you are and where you are coming from. They feel everything you feel, see everything you do, and know everything about you. They know what you need.

Another benefit? They can be their own unique individual while still remaining intrinsically tied to you, your life, and your well-being without the risk of being incompatible or your self-interest not aligning. Daemons are a part of you, so they go with the flow of our life without wanting major control or influence. Two sides to the same coin. A feather attached to the wing...

Another nice thing about daemons is when you aren't interacting they merge right back into you. They continue to exist just as they did prior to separation and will continue to be there until you call again. The less you interact the rustier the connection becomes, but you don't risk losing them. They may come back with new personalities or names if a long enough time has passed (because *everyone* changes with time, daemons are no exception) but they are still your daemon.

They still are there wanting the best for you. Wanting you to succeed, to thrive, to survive. They are our built-in support systems. Before creating and hoping to influence a headmate to be the answer, look into meeting your daemon first. See if they can provide what you need. Besides, it's often a far easier process than creating a fully separate headmate from scratch (in my opinion, at least).

Never heard of daemons? Check out Daemonism 101

[therianimal]

I don't have a complex analysis of this right now, as it's still percolating in my brain and I haven't had much experience with it yet. Maybe I'll make a more detailed post in the future when I have more intelligent things to say. But basically I'm now exploring the BDSM practice of petplay in a non-sexual way. Petspace feels kind of like a therian shift combined with all the oxytocin that comes from interacting in those moments with my partner. I've never felt more at peace than I've felt as a puppy. It's a way to express both my non-humanity and my submissive tendencies at the same time, with and sometimes without my partner. I felt like mentioning it here because I've never heard anyone on alterhuman tumblr describe this kind of overlap between kink and therianthropy.

[therianimal]

Honestly I think I was processing and making decisions based on an internalized idea that temporary = less important/essential. I don't feel that way about other people (the importance of their identities is for THEM to decide, obviously) but I was applying a bias to myself. I didn't want to water down the meaning of endelity by using it to describe something lesser. I'm suspecting now that I need to unpack some things :P I really felt weird about the idea of misappropriating and intruding in an experience that might not match me perfectly. More than that I think I actually forgot quite how broad the definition of endelity is! I was honestly comparing my experiences to the coiner of the term and seeing that they didn't perfectly match.

It's reassuring to see someone with a similar experience to mine. Psychosis can feel so incredibly isolating, even without considering identity disturbance and alterhuman experiences. Thank you so much for sharing :) <3 And for being validating, basically. If the vampire type was only a part of my last episode and I considered it gone for good, I probably wouldn't consider referring to myself in that way. But based on breakthrough symptoms here and there I suspect it will reoccur in the future.

Nonhumanity was such a big part of my life during that episode, and acknowledging that kind of makes me feel less like that year was wasted time meaninglessly eaten up by psychosis. I was still a version of me while psychotic, after all. It's really just hard sometimes to reconcile psychotic-me with post-psychosis me, given how much episodes can warp and twist my view of myself in the moment. Coming out of that state was all kinds of disorienting and destablizing. But that's a whole nother issue to write about.

I'm still considering things, but you gave me a perspective to think about. I'm leaning towards claiming the word endel but we'll see :)

Over the course of the past year or so I've begun to realize that I have two different experiences with nonhumanity. The first are kintypes/theriotypes that function in a way that aligns with common kin experiences. I have, while not in active psychosis, experienced "awakenings" wherein I discovered long-term, stable kintypes. I occasionally have both shifts and species dysphoria related to these kintypes, but they are infrequent and non obtrusive.

The second experience is psychotic nonhumanity. It can take a couple forms: cameo shifts and pseudo kintypes. Cameo shifts occur more often under the effects of psychoactive drugs (THC, and strangely enough caffeine), but generally occur amid psychotic symptoms. A common one is the visualization (envisage shift) of supernatural wings that don't look like or correlate with my hawk kintype. They may be massive, filling the entire room I'm in, and come hand in hand with feelings of elation and grandiosity.

The other form of psychotic nonhumanity (and the true topic of this post) is what, in the moment, feels like kintypes with extremely intense shifts. These 'types tend to seem "dark" in nature - for example, vampire is a common one for me. I experience the feeling of being a vampire, while feeling fangs in my mouth and having an overwhelming, obsessive urge to consume blood. I think clinical vampirism/Renfield's syndrome is another way to contextualize those feelings. They are incredibly persistent, demanding my constant attention for hours. If I weren't disabled regardless, these experiences might be disabling on their own.

These feelings aren't necessarily 100% delusional, or "physical" in nature - in psychosis I did not believe I was physically any of the species involved, in the way that many psychotic alterhumans describe. I merely experienced the "on a non physical level I am X" otherkin experience, but in a way that was overwhelming, intrusive, and partially associated with the dark themes of the delusions I did have. Rumination, fixation, and obsession are common elements of my experience with psychosis, and these "types" were experienced in that manner. None of my typical kintypes are associated with either obsession or distress (apart from mild dysphoria).

Unlike common endel experiences I see described, my psychosis "kintypes" disappear when I'm not in psychotic episodes. Like many people on the schizophrenia spectrum, while I always experience symptoms the severity is episodic. Therefore there are days and weeks in which I'm a vampire and up to a year in which I'm not.

Another way of viewing these different experiences is in the spiritual/psychological binary. I view my "normal" kintypes as a mental connection to past lives, which I would label as a spiritual cause. My psychotic 'types are, on the other hand, clearly psychological. I can't guarantee that I've never had a past life that aligns with these experiences (as I believe my soul has had MANY past lives) but these 'types don't feel like a connection to a deep, older part of myself. They feel like an incarnation, a personification of my psychosis itself. It's essentially the most clearly psychological aspect of my alterhumanity.

During the worst of these "intrusive identities", as I guess one could call them, I felt deeply confused about suddenly having new kintypes. I believe I even made a post here about feeling blindsided with new, dark 'types. I even listed these types in my About Me for a while, even though it always inexplicably felt "off" to me. When that particular episode ended I essentially went "Oh, THAT'S what that was!" and removed those from the list. I no longer felt connected to those species. It almost reminds me of fictionflickers, merely in the sense of being powerful yet temporary. It felt more real than reality at the time, as I've heard many schizospec people describe their psychosis.

I am unsure how, or whether, to incorporate these 'types into my identity. Do I dismiss them because they're temporary? Do I dismiss them to avoid "encouraging" psychosis in some way? Or do I accept them as Me during my psychosis, because people in psychosis also have the right to self define? Do I continue to list them in my identities when I'm out of psychosis? Or claim them only when they feel immediately applicable?

I haven't seen much discussion of temporary identities in alterhuman spaces, outside of very different experiences like fictionflickers and therian cameo shifts. If I'm wrong and there's some terminology or small community associated with temporary 'types, let me know. Do these experiences count as "endelity"? I'm tempted to use the term "endel" but I'm reluctant to misstep when my experiences aren't identical to the endels I follow. If you have an opinion on that you can let me know as well.

[therianimal]

I rarely use microlabels, but knowing that they exist is still incredibly affirming. It's like being told I'm not the only one who has certain experiences. My life story of being grayace, aegosexual, and a number of other specifications puts me in a weird sort-of-ace it's-complicated position. The other day I ended up on a wiki site, and seeing my experiences laid out in hyperspecific words was so reassuring and heartwarming. Thank you to anyone who coins microlabels, you're doing the lord's work <3

[therianimal]

Whenever I'm more psychotic than usual one of my "tells" is I accidentally start listening to TOOL way more, which is perhaps the most pretentious thing about my schizophrenia /silly

[therianimal]

Recently I've been shifting away from the phrasing "I have [disorder]" and replacing it with "I meet criteria for [disorder]". It probably sounds weird, but I do have a reason for it. The issue is that, as far as disorders go, there's like 8+ that apply to me and A. I feel ridiculous listing them and B. more importantly, I have started to feel that viewing my brain as having multiple disorders that operate completely separately from one another makes less and less sense. I have one brain, and it's mentally ill. I have one mental illness. It just so happens to contain symptoms of [insert long list].

The thing is, mental disorders aren't like, for example, having cancer and a UTI at the same time. They're not entirely separate entities that do their own thing. They're not measurable, either - they're arbitrary constructs to describe vague behavioral experiences. And for a person like myself that has practically every common comorbidity it seriously all mixes together into Painful Brain Soup. I've really been moving away from thinking "I have [symptoms] because I have [disorder]" and to "I meet criteria for [disorder label] because I have [symptoms].

I mostly use these wordings in my head to gradually shift the unhelpful way I've been viewing my mental health for a decade now. The more I've become critical of psychiatry and the effects it's had on my life the more I've attempted to self-define. Maybe this time next year I'll be way more radical, but this is the point I'm starting out with. I don't believe psych disorders are infallible or purely factual but I find them personally helpful and a way to access care, so they're necessary evils. Now I just have to grapple with the differing impulses to identify proudly with these labels and to distance myself from them. Theory aside, each of those options has its pros and cons and I waffle back and forth these days.

[therianimal]

As a nonbinary person, I feel more like a trans man, a queer man, than just a man. I feel connected to queer expressions of masculinity, to the claiming of manhood in resistance to what is expected of us. I connect with masculinity mixed with femininity, androgyny not in the sense of neither but of both. Men with visible top surgery scars, men in skirts, gay and bi and trans and queer men. I am all of those things and I really have little connection to cishet men. Being nonbinary, genderqueer, trans informs the way I move through this world as much or more than my manhood does. And despite my efforts I often don't pass and am visibly trans, so I am outwardly perceived as gender-ambiguous as well. I never felt like I could claim manhood when I was younger because cishet manhood felt so ill fitting to me. It was only really when I saw representations of queer and gender-nonconforming maleness online that I realized that despite my nonbinariness, manhood was an option for me. I've transitioned to the best of my ability and it's the best decision I could have made for myself. I am a self-made man and I take pride in that.

[therianimal]

Many of my systemmates have begun making daemons, one specific to each of them, and I've taken to calling them "secondary members" of our system. Due to monoconsciousness and a complete lack of internal communication, our experience of plurality can feel strangely lonely. But these secondary members/daemons, which function as slightly differentiated cofronters, can be spoken to and internally interacted with. Most of my system doesn't have outer friends (as the host and common fronter I tend to hog our social relationships) and daemonism has really been making us feel less alone when fronting.

I've still been listing our primary members when asked how many of us there are, viewing the daemons as facets or as a sort of subsystem. I only really discuss their existence with other daemians or with people who are close enough enough to unlock all of our lore. My daemon has been around for a few years but the others are quite new, and we're still each exploring how daemonism works for us. Some things vary by member - my daemon is constantly transforming, another daemon mostly takes a single anthropomorphic form and rarely changes, another is childlike and perceived as "young", another takes a human form and is only occasionally a bird, and another is really "just some human guy".

We don't actively build members with specific traits in a tulpamancy way - we are very prone to inner dialogues so we really just "talk into the void" and see what speaks back. It's unclear to us whether daemons form in the way they do as what each of us needs in a companion, or whether they have randomly generated traits - maybe a bit of both. It's always a little nervewracking to tap into our unconscious mind not knowing what will pop out, or whether whatever it is will get along well with you, but reassuringly it has yet to go wrong.

As a non-willowgenic system it's been interesting to for once take an active role in who is in our brain, rather than splitting completely randomly. These days we actually do the best we can to *prevent* new members forming, but daemons don't front and they fulfill a role as needed, so they lack the baggage that comes with getting new primary members.

All in all it's been a positive experience. We're on a daemonism Discord server containing singlets and plurals alike and that gives us some direction and community. I'm excited to see how daemonism progresses for us in the future.

[therianimal]

Over the course of the past year or so I've begun to realize that I have two different experiences with nonhumanity. The first are kintypes/theriotypes that function in a way that aligns with common kin experiences. I have, while not in active psychosis, experienced "awakenings" wherein I discovered long-term, stable kintypes. I occasionally have both shifts and species dysphoria related to these kintypes, but they are infrequent and non obtrusive.

The second experience is psychotic nonhumanity. It can take a couple forms: cameo shifts and pseudo kintypes. Cameo shifts occur more often under the effects of psychoactive drugs (THC, and strangely enough caffeine), but generally occur amid psychotic symptoms. A common one is the visualization (envisage shift) of supernatural wings that don't look like or correlate with my hawk kintype. They may be massive, filling the entire room I'm in, and come hand in hand with feelings of elation and grandiosity.

The other form of psychotic nonhumanity (and the true topic of this post) is what, in the moment, feels like kintypes with extremely intense shifts. These 'types tend to seem "dark" in nature - for example, vampire is a common one for me. I experience the feeling of being a vampire, while feeling fangs in my mouth and having an overwhelming, obsessive urge to consume blood. I think clinical vampirism/Renfield's syndrome is another way to contextualize those feelings. They are incredibly persistent, demanding my constant attention for hours. If I weren't disabled regardless, these experiences might be disabling on their own.

These feelings aren't necessarily 100% delusional, or "physical" in nature - in psychosis I did not believe I was physically any of the species involved, in the way that many psychotic alterhumans describe. I merely experienced the "on a non physical level I am X" otherkin experience, but in a way that was overwhelming, intrusive, and partially associated with the dark themes of the delusions I did have. Rumination, fixation, and obsession are common elements of my experience with psychosis, and these "types" were experienced in that manner. None of my typical kintypes are associated with either obsession or distress (apart from mild dysphoria).

Unlike common endel experiences I see described, my psychosis "kintypes" disappear when I'm not in psychotic episodes. Like many people on the schizophrenia spectrum, while I always experience symptoms the severity is episodic. Therefore there are days and weeks in which I'm a vampire and up to a year in which I'm not.

Another way of viewing these different experiences is in the spiritual/psychological binary. I view my "normal" kintypes as a mental connection to past lives, which I would label as a spiritual cause. My psychotic 'types are, on the other hand, clearly psychological. I can't guarantee that I've never had a past life that aligns with these experiences (as I believe my soul has had MANY past lives) but these 'types don't feel like a connection to a deep, older part of myself. They feel like an incarnation, a personification of my psychosis itself. It's essentially the most clearly psychological aspect of my alterhumanity.

During the worst of these "intrusive identities", as I guess one could call them, I felt deeply confused about suddenly having new kintypes. I believe I even made a post here about feeling blindsided with new, dark 'types. I even listed these types in my About Me for a while, even though it always inexplicably felt "off" to me. When that particular episode ended I essentially went "Oh, THAT'S what that was!" and removed those from the list. I no longer felt connected to those species. It almost reminds me of fictionflickers, merely in the sense of being powerful yet temporary. It felt more real than reality at the time, as I've heard many schizospec people describe their psychosis.

I am unsure how, or whether, to incorporate these 'types into my identity. Do I dismiss them because they're temporary? Do I dismiss them to avoid "encouraging" psychosis in some way? Or do I accept them as Me during my psychosis, because people in psychosis also have the right to self define? Do I continue to list them in my identities when I'm out of psychosis? Or claim them only when they feel immediately applicable?

I haven't seen much discussion of temporary identities in alterhuman spaces, outside of very different experiences like fictionflickers and therian cameo shifts. If I'm wrong and there's some terminology or small community associated with temporary 'types, let me know. Do these experiences count as "endelity"? I'm tempted to use the term "endel" but I'm reluctant to misstep when my experiences aren't identical to the endels I follow. If you have an opinion on that you can let me know as well.