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Hiding.

When I purge, my husband knows. I get dark circles under my eyes, I smell like vomit. So, I’m hiding on the back patio. I feel guilty.

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I’ve acquired lots of amazing apps on my iPhone and my iPad over time to help me manage my mental illness. As it’s mental health month (I know I’m very late smh) I thought I’d share my fave ones:

1. Headspace and Calm - These are both mindfulness apps. What I love about them is that there are looaaads of different categories, so you can choose specific meditations to suit your needs. For example, I find the ones for sleep, anxiety, and “S.O.S.” (for in-the-moment meltdowns) the most helpful, but I think anyone would find them helpful as there are soooo many more for different circumstances, like eating and even fear of flying! So yeah, they’re pretty cool and I would recommend them to anyone because mindfulness contributes to good mental health. 

2. Stay Alive - I find this really helpful when I need to access my safety plan. It makes my plan super accessible as I carry my phone with me everywhere, and it means that I can easily access my emergency contacts, skills for crises, etc. simply by tapping on the screen. If this applies to you, I really recommend you download it or a similar app. 

3. DBT apps - If you have dialectical behavioural therapy, then these apps make using the skills and recording your diary card a lot easier, more efficient and fun as it’s all in one place, and you can set reminders. They’re also cool because you can have a quick look at the skills anytime you want on-the-go without having to carry around flashcards or worksheets or anything! Plus, some of the apps also include the option of sending a copy of your diary card to your therapist - great for if you always forget to bring it to sessions (ahem…me lol)

- DBT Complete Toolset  (these have info about the skills in all four of the modules)

- DBT Diary Card and Skills Coach

- DBT Quiz (for learning dem skillz)

- DBT Travel Guide

4. Rise Up - This app is amazing if you are recovering from disordered eating/an eating disorder. You can keep track of your meals, your emotions around them and any unhelpful behaviours. It also has lots of amazing coping skills to help you battle your ED thoughts and body image. Again, because it’s an app you can access it practically any time you need to. It’s honestly so fab and I love the layout of the app! 

5. Calm Harm - This. App. Is. The. Fucking. Best. It encourages you to “ride the wave” of your urge i.e. urge-surf for a certain amount of time. Download this app if you struggle with self harm/harmful urges of any form. I love love love it. 

6. Companion - This app is based on good ol’ CBT and is so great for stress, anxiety and panic. My favourite part is that you can make “thought cards.” I use it to turn hot cross bun diagrams and conversations from sessions into cards, so I can have simple visual reminders whenever I need them. 

7. Booster Buddy - This is a really cute app which would be incredibly helpful to anyone struggling with any mental illness. You can check in everyday and it gives you coping methods based on the symptoms of your illness. You can also schedule your meds (if you have any) and it reminds you to take them. And you can also add your crisis plan to it, like in the Stay Alive app. (But obviously the best bit is that you get to choose an adorable lil buddy to help you which is cute af!)

Stay strong <3

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5.27.17

And another day.

I helped my daughter bake cookies. I let her eat them throughout the day. I catch myself starting to tell her no, that it will make her gain weight.

Jesus Christ. She is 5.

I stop myself. I hate myself.

I haven’t eaten yet. I don’t deserve to eat.

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5.26.17

I made it through another day. It's the little things, right?

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*drool*

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I am addicted to thinspo.

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5.25.17

Starve. Binge. Purge. Repeat.

I just want to be happy. I want to love myself. I want to be a mother. And a friend. And a wife.

I will never be happy with my body. That shit that I tell myself is a fucking lie. At my lowest, I hated my body. At my highest, I hated my body. And everywhere in between. I will always see fat. I will always see ugly. No matter what happens to me. I will be miserable. The thoughts and compulsions will consume me. And I will find myself back in this dark hell that is my life.

God, how I want better for others. Get help before it’s too late. This has been my life for the past 10 years. Or has it been longer? I remember the first time I went on a “diet.” I was in middle school. I played sports. I was happy and healthy. One of the girls on my team told me that if I drink a can of coke at lunch I will get “fatter”. I wasn’t fat. I wasn’t skinny either. I was 5'9" I had a butt and boobs. I was muscular. I was athletic.

I cut out sugar. I ate less carbs, more protein. My mom encouraged me to make healthy choices. She didn’t know what would come next. How could she?

What I don’t remember is when I started starving myself. I don’t remember the first time that I looked in the mirror and absolutely hated myself.

Throughout the years, I have been to therapy many times. I have “gotten better.”

Yet, here I am.

That’s enough for now. I’m going to try to salvage some energy. Maybe get a walk in before work.

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I was able to rest my eyes for a few hours last night. I lay awake at night thinking about everything that I have done wrong. I am tired of being sick. I just want to disappear. Everyone would be better off.

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Ain't that the truth...

Instagram:Lexx_grant

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It has been such a rough day. There are days that I am at work, and I just can’t do it. I can’t be nice. I can’t be patient. I can’t be productive.

Some days I wish I could just waste away. I have no energy. I am so cold all the time. I can’t take my daughter swimming because I get so cold. It takes all I have to get to the couch to watch a movie with her. She’s 5. She already knows that something is wrong with mommy. She already knows that I don’t eat like the rest of the family.

What kind of example am I setting for her? I need to go back to therapy. I need to be a mother to my baby girl. I need her to have something better than this hell.

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I have felt like this for as long as I can remember.

if i could i would feel nothing // blackbear

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