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Pulp Storytime #103: Isle Have My Revenge!

Based on Indiana Jones and the Sword in the Stone by Ken Cliffe, Greg Farshtey, and/or Teeuwynn Woodruff.

Attention Tinseltown! The sky is dark because all the stars are at the premiere of FEAR THE BLACK PHARAOH!

New readers may ask: Who are you people?! Or Where did this start?

This movie, based on #94: Empire of the Black Pharaoh, was the talk of the town. Grauman’s Egyptian Theater was the home of the first ever movie premiere, Robin Hood, in 1922. So there was no better place for a glorious gala than right on Hollywood Boulevard. This week’s foursome was an especially humble one. The only one who even bothered to talk to reporters was stuntwoman Giula “Lala” Santinella. Staying out of the spotlight was a specialty for professional butler Aldous Bingen; battling lawyer Tacíto kept his head down, and stodgy Briton Kabir Rupert didn’t see what all the fuss was about. The movie proceeded apace, with mystery, romance, and wisecracks… Until twenty minutes in, when the film started playing backwards. The group investigated, and their fears were vindicated when they went to the forecourt. Standing amid the faux Egyptian splendor was the very real Black Pharaoh, and his squads of hired lancers! Kabir, who lingered in the lobby, was ambushed by El Principe Del Inframundo. The demonic luchador countered Kab’s judo with a head scissors, sending the Brit face-first into the popcorn machine. Outside, Bingen used his decathlon skills to confuse the horses, Tacito traded punches, and Lala tried a new approach… networking! She promised the “infantry” if they stopped fighting, she would introduce them to her agent. It worked. The Black Pharaoh whirled around with his khopesh, but couldn’t get around the panicking ponies. He snuck into the lobby, threatening passersby under a cardboard standee of his likeness. He was crowing about his inevitable victory when Tacíto hit him with the running punch so hard it knocked him, KO’d, into a nearby sarcophagus. There’s gotta be an easier way to get into Variety. *** The players headed to someplace the opposite of Los Angeles: sunny, warm, friendly rural England. Tacíto U. Velasco had a client with an urgent situation. His father was going to pass away soon, but his sister needed to be present for the will to be executed. Could the adventurers find her? Of course, the client (Reginald Hartsworth) had an awkward relationship with Kabir. Years ago, the bureaucrat had a crush on Reggie’s sister. The mystery led the group all over Albion, from Hadrian’s Wall to a cannery in Dorset. There, they fell into a Nazi ambush, led by Colonel Clemens Unger. He, an ace Heidelberg duelist, was assigned to find Excalibur. And for his service, he had already been given a legendary sword. As Devi explained:

“Tyrfing, a sword with a hilt and grip of gold. It will never rust or fail and pierces iron like cloth, and always makes its master victorious. It is the death of a man every time it is drawn. Come on, goddesses have to know this stuff.”

Unger respected the audacity of the players, but they were sworn enemies of the Reich, and had to die. No hard feelings. To that end, he gassed the group (including Reginald and Elizabeth) and tied them to the posts under the pier at high tide. The group was imperiled, panicking, and barely managed to escape by shearing the ropes with sharp barnacles and bribing nearby dockworkers to bring rowboats around. (When it came time to pay, everyone’s checkbooks had ‘unfortunately fallen into the ocean’.) Elizabeth was impressed with Bingen’s bravery, earning Kabir’s subtle consternation. Devi asked him, in Hindi, if this was the ‘Betty’ he was always going on about.

“Yup.”

While sneaking into a Nazi archaeological site, the players made a shocking discovery. The person giving the Germans political cover? The recently abdicated King Edward the Eighth! The royal, long rumored to be a sympathizer, was actually a collaborator!

Unfortunately, scumbag Reggie made a deal with the Reich, betraying the players once they found Excalibur’s resting place. Whoever wanted the blade had to enter a cave of trials, one that would test them on the courtly love that Elizabeth was always talking/blathering about. And… Every single player failed. The Mexican lawyer, when asked to think of his true love, didn’t have one. Lala, forced to pick between images of Devika and Penny, couldn’t decide. No one even reached the third of the three trials, because both Aldous and Kabir picked duty over love. The players found themselves on a rainy hillside, all of them disoriented, none of them wielding Excalibur. But through chicanery, lies, and flimflam, they convinced the commandant to let another person try…Betty! It was a complete curveball (making the damsel in distress do part of the adventure for them), but it was her or Devika…and India’s richest girl had made it quite clear how she felt about colonizers. Then again, Betty was an expert in folklore. She tried to give Bingen a kiss on the cheek for luck… and when he demurred, she entered the misty cave with gritted teeth and determination. Seconds passed. Minutes. Tens of minutes. Then, a thunderbolt cleaved through the heavens, and the mousey romance author emerged with the blade of Arthur. Possessed of true nobility, she was willing to hand over the blade to spare her friends… But the quartet had other ideas. Kabir tested the blade on a nearby Nazi bodyguard. It went through the man’s ribs like scissors through paper. Unfortunately, the colonel predicted this betrayal, unsheathing his own legendary blade.

[Now, I hate to delve into mechanics, but it’s worth explaining the stakes. Their opponent was a skilled specialist in dueling. Every successful swing of either blade caused wounds, not stress. Three consequences mean you’re laid up in the hospital for months… four, and they send you home in a can.]

Not helping matters was the crack squad of Nazis with a half-track, who had been training specifically to fight the group.

Still, boldness can go far. Stuntwoman Lala sprinted down the hill, cartwheeled past the soldiers, and sprung into the half-track. She decided to run the vehicle up the hill… just so it would be easier to flip over. When that was done, she stole the keys to the staff car. Tacìto was wounded by the SS squad’s gunfire, but roared back into combat with brutal punches and nerve strikes. Aldous ran interference, relying on all his affability to summon the Knights of the Round Table, exhorting them to fight die Deutschen.

Kabir was more of a judoka than a fencer, but he didn’t want to get stabbed. He fought defensively, luring Unger into a nearby ruined Abbey. But perhaps his wisest decision was trading the blade back-and-forth with the Jade Jaguar Tacito. The duelist was prepared for a one-on-one battle, not constantly shifting opponents. Still, he almost took off limbs, and without the sneaky help of Lala and Bingen, Albion would be doomed. In fact, The Commandant was prepared for some of their tricks: when Lala tried to run him down with a BMW, he sliced the car in half, sending her careening into a brick wall. Luckily, all she got was a broken nose.

The Nazis were punched out or sliced to chunks. And as the group ascended the rainy steps of the Abbey ruins, they were able to make red ribbons of the stürmer. It was a quick decision to bury the cursed blade Fafnir where it fell, and a slightly harder one to throw Excalibur into the ocean at Land’s End.

Closing the case though, that would take some doing. Kabir Rupert, OBE, called in every favor to align the political constellations. Tacìto Velasco studied the oldest law books in Europe. Finally, with all that, they were able to depose the treacherous former king, sending him to virtual exile as “honorary governor of the Bahamas”. Which was still easy compared to knowing that his childhood crush had, according to ancient ritual, chosen Kabir as her true and honest love. Props to the book for its evocative artwork:

[theultrablog]

Pulp Storytime #102: Death Laughs Last by Robin D Laws.

“Oh my God!,” Ned cried. “You work for him, don’t you? I’ve gone straight, I swear! I never want to see those things again! Never! I kept all my promises to him! Don’t take my mind! Don’t take my mind!”

New readers may ask: Who are you people?! Or Where did this start?

In March 1935, the Big Easy was home to an impossible case. Local dilettante Addison Bright was dead, from a spear through the chest, in his own private study. As a relative of the Astors, discretion was required. The family hired Detective JP Diamond, Professor Winston Callahan, and “Steel Eagle” (Gyatso Tsering), the Tibetan spirit of Brooklyn. Although it started gory, the adventure had plenty of levity. JP, knowing a lead was in Baton Rouge, sent the other two in Callahan’s plane… Just so he could spend time with his girlfriend. In Baton Rouge, Callahan and Eagle investigated a waxworks. Unfortunately, only one employee was on duty, and the lonely man wanted to talk their ears off. After all that work, the lead was to a locksmith less than half a mile from their original location in New Orleans. Back to the Spectre! JP is a gentleman, even to his detriment. He was at his favorite neighborhood dive when he was approached by reporter Beatrice Piper. She seemed fascinated by his return to the city, his case… and only after lengthy conversation did he realize that he had spilled the beans, on the record. The police were absolutely furious, threatening to feed his PI license to alligators. Because the story was leaked to the press, Ava Astor, autistic prep-school snob, came to town, ready for revenge on her uncle’s killer. Just what the detective needed. Some more digging (and an autopsy) revealed that Addison had a secret identity as scourge of the criminal underworld, masked crimefighter The Penitent! The players expertly snuck into his lair, only to be rendered unconscious when they opened the canisters of his nightmare powder. It's a shame that Callahan was the designated burglar but also couldn’t keep his hands to himself, sending the entire group into a series of terrifying nightmares. They awoke to find Addison’s manservant Mr. Han and Ava standing over them.

“You were supposed to sneak in, not get caught.”

Addison had a variety of assistants supporting him. There was his on-again off-again girlfriend, Beatrice, theatrical director Brooks Belasco, a boxer… But the one the group gravitated to was Phil Roach, bush pilot. He and Callahan instantly bonded as ‘the people other people call assholes because they’re smarter than them.’ The last piece of the puzzle was with an antiques dealer who was being hunted by a local gang. Hiram wanted to meet in public, and didn’t want to get stabbed. The players created a dragnet, leading around stalls, through alleys, constantly picking off the opposition with ”accidental” trips, carelessly thrown bricks, and falling roofing tiles. It turned out, the poison the Penitent was using on criminals slowly but surely made its way through his gas mask. He was convinced that he was his own arch-nemesis… and had tricked himself into a spear-assisted suicide. But who had sent him down this self-destructive path? It turns out Mr. Han was using Addison as a catspaw to eliminate all other crime in the city. The players found a creepy warehouse in the Bayou, a trail of blood leading in… And barred the doors. They set it on fire, funneling Mr. Han to one exit where he was beaten and arrested. Case closed, nearly. Phil Roach had been missing for a while, and his death hit the paper soon after. All that remained was his teeth, found in a burnt building. Detective Diamond found it most expedient to frame Addison’s suicide as a murder, getting Han sent to the chair for the one crime he didn’t commit. Callahan, who had proposed arson in the first place, couldn’t completely bury his feelings of despair. Although he was a Brooklyn boy at heart, Steel Eagle stayed in town a bit longer, fighting violent crime with his spin kicks. One crook said something to give him pause though…

“Good job, Yonkers. You and your boys just opened up the city for the Sinister Skull!”

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Pulp Storytime #102: Girls of the Greenbrier.

New readers may ask: Who are you people?! Or Where did this start?

Her speech is in Russian and is about her experience being a trilingual ballerina. Do you think you’d like to read it?” Dr. Hazoul declined. Early October, West Virginia. Hope you’re ready for teen girls. Because we’re probably tripling the amount we’ve had so far in the last 101 storytimes.

Each of these young ladies, from ages 12 to 17, were at the stately Greenbrier for the Girl Paragons Leadership Conference. Astute readers might even see some familiar names: Ava Astor and Alice Cavendish, Devika’s best buddies, and Buck Searsroe, rich airfield mogul and member of the Century Club. Chaperoning Miss Velyapur were Professor Hemet Hazoul, Thaza O’Rourke, and someone who has known Devi since before she was born, Kabir Rupert OBE. Most of the adventure was meeting and greeting, trying to determine which mentorships were perfect matches (aviators Rosie Van Leer and Tex Johnston, paleontologists Lorraine Paget and Charles Glimore), and which ones were exploitation. Buck and Janie Voss were an example of the latter. Seeing her as a mathematical prodigy, he had emancipated her from her parents in order to get her collegiate and doctoral mathematic instruction. When Devi found out, she demanded that he allow visitation for her parents, maybe even hiring them onto his household staff. Money was wonderful, but parents were more important. Also under the yoke of exploitation: Albertha Robinson, a Harlem poet who had been taken under the wing of the self-aggrandizing HH Havermeyer.

Kabir was essential in finding this out, due to his “cross-examination“ style of debate that was mostly wry insults. He also turned his sharp tongue on Rafe Lancaster, Devi’s “semi-reformed” mentor. Rafe blanched at an insult, and Kabir piled on. “Just because I’ve revealed an unwelcome truth about your reality is no excuse to have your face change color.”

There was a bit of excitement (Russian emigre Polina Orlova got concussed from a golf ball to the back of the head), but the session was mostly about untangling the social web. Who liked who, who was in a clique… and the worst part, after-dinner speaking. Devi’s speech was a highlight, an advisory on the finer points of unofficial tipping, port authorities, and “unconventional cargo methodology”. The rest of the speakers varied from boring to amazing (Albertha being the best). Having recently been humiliated on stage (during last week’s adventure in Kansas), India’s richest girl was acutely aware of how awkward that could be. She worked with the rest of the ladies to cheer and exhort the more timid speakers. The second day of the conference started with flames! The building was ablaze, and everyone was panicking. Devi demanded Rafe rescue her expensive luggage, while she and Thaza rescued the elderly and the concussed. It was no problem for the cat burglar raised by apes to clamber across the outside of the building, but it was a surprise to see Rosie and Tex effecting a similar rescue. Kabir and Hemmet, a more intellectual pairing, used their knowledge of architecture (and willingness to shout) to help evacuate their section. They discovered that Janie was gone, and had left behind her favorite doll! Muddy footprints led to a disused section of the Greenbrier. There, American fascists had kidnapped the girl. Not worst of all, but certainly bad, was that they were aided by Devi’s latest crush, tennis instructor Earl Mayer! The leader of the group should’ve done better research. It would’ve prevented his mind from being crushed under the mystic onslaught of India’s wealthiest mesmerist! (Not coincidentally, its richest girl.) It also would have prevented his joints from being torn apart by Hyderabad’s greatest judoka. Not much could be done for the rest of the fifth columnists, who were dispatched by Dr. Hazoul wielding a claw hammer. You can research all you want, nothing prepares you for a surprise sneak attack by a Tomb Looting Scumbag.

Thaza freed Janie from their evil trap. No longer could they use the twelve-year-old’s mathematical genius for Aryan code-breaking. Conference saved!

[theultrablog]

Pulp Storytime #101: Riptide in the Dust Bowl.

New readers may ask: Who are you people?! Or Where did this start?

Diamond stabbed the Wolfman with the Troubled Blade. The gray blood glowed in the pale green light.

This week’s adventure was amazing. Devika, JP Diamond, ranch hand Elliot McCaffrey and Aldous Bingen headed to Dust Bowl Kansas, in search of a uranium-loaded meteorite dagger. They found hundreds of wild dogs roving the countryside, a divided populace, and many, many plot threads. Instead of a very long summary (because the game ran 330 minutes), let's spotlight some of the vivacious and interesting NPCs. (Tacìto’s player GM’d for the first time this week, based loosely on a Deadlands adventure he had run.) One of the main attractions of the town was a theater with an absurd musical called “There’s a dead man in my bed!”. It featured boatloads of bawdy humor that neither detective Diamond nor stoic butler Bingen would explain. Luckily, they snuck into the next-door speakeasy, and kid millionaire Devi got to sit next to a college student who explained all the dirty stuff. Later, it turned out that girl had a very short fling with the evil mastermind… which led to Devika, the only girl in the group, having to slip into the sorority house and comfort someone eight years older than her (who had a lot of clues). The mystic orphan mostly paid attention, but did stop the story to verify if they did “tongue kissing or lip kissing”. (The codeword for the speakeasy was “banana pudding”. This ended up upsetting our man Elliot, who didn’t want a themed drink with banana liqueur… He wanted some pudding.) Turns out the club’s stage show was a live human sacrifice. Not knowing it was theater, our heroic quartet interrupted and ruined it, freeing the oblation, who slapped Aldous in the face.

The master of ceremonies tried to save it with a card trick, before bringing out an electrical bone saw. Devi got off one good line… when asked “Is this your card?” she grabbed the plug and asked "Is this your cord?” Later, while giving the magician her contact information, she handed over her contact details with a loud “Is this my card?” This backfired when she tried to pay for the damages to venue with one of Rafe Lancaster’s checks.

Seeing the Dust Bowl up close had a big impact on Devi. She hired one of the “Okays” to start an orphanage, handing her a life-changing amount of money and then leaving her at the hotel because the adventure had to continue. Sorry, but ex-goddesses are busy! Later, while sneaking into a suspicious doctor’s residence, Miss Velyapur met the man’s housekeeper. After confirming the guy was stealing werewolf blood to inject into himself, Devi stayed for a snack and offered the lady three times her salary to help maintain the orphanage. After that though, Devi wanted to join the rest of the party, who were sneaking out of the house… but the woman was really bad at saying goodbye. Is clinginess good for someone who works at your commorancy? Towards the end of the adventure, the group had to report a dead body. Suspicious, they made sure to find a non-corrupt cop… and met a big city detective who was trying to have a quiet life in the sticks. Elliot asked how the Dodgers were going to do this season, and he said he didn’t like baseball… Which made the Texan accuse him of being a communist. Which is a weird argument to have right before you report a headless corpse. But come on, what American in 1935 didn’t follow baseball?

The final side character we met was a cultist working for the doctor. After removing the supplicant’s mask, JP asked if he recognized the fellow. “No,” said the GM. “You’ve been here 17 hours and it’s a big county.”

Diamond would’ve asked, except the man’s bones (and not the rest of him) were sucked into a nearby space-time rift.

[theultrablog]

Pulp Storytime #100: Gold shirts, gold fur.

New readers may ask: Who are you people?! Or Where did this start?

“You’re not the first man to menace me with a knife.” Said the 13-year-old. “The ugliest, sure, but not the first.” March, 1935, Mexico City. Florence Zee was in town for an international music festival. She invited her best friend, 13-year-old millionaire Devika Velyapur, who brought her lawyer, Tácito Uriel Velasco. They were joined by continual self-inviter, Professor Winston Callahan. Zee’s host, conductor Carlos Chavez, had been lavishing the singer with jewelry and attention. Devi politely told the host that he was barking up the wrong tree. The adventuring trio was extremely attentive, asking about event security, Carlos’s enemies, and the international dynamics at play. He swore everything was fine; keep an eye out for the nationalist ‘gold shirts’, and things would be dandy. *** The next day, Callahan and Devi checked the venue for safety. Security seemed to be doing their job. Carlos was late, because he was dead. The crime scene was a gory one. Someone had bitten off the back of Chavez’s head. Someone else unlocked the composer’s home with lockpicks. And presumably a third someone cut the brake lines of his Chrysler. The police stopped further investigation, but not before “El Abogado Número Uno” went through the composer’s correspondence. Carlos was getting hatred from both sides of the aisle: for being too nationalistic, and not nationalistic enough. But who killed him? And who wanted to but didn’t get a chance? The suburb backed up onto a national park; it was time for some hiking! The group followed the natural and mystical trail into the hinterlands, where they ran into Dr Carmen Zheng, Chinese-Mexican. She radiated suspicious energy… but wasn’t the killer! She knew who it was, and promised to tell the players… after lunch at her house. She was accompanied by a hybrid jaguar man, one of her brothers. She had used magic and science to turn her siblings into creatures who could fight back against the fascist oppression of biracial Mexicans. *** Lunch looked delicious. Devi picked up a fork… but noticed Zheng wasn’t eating.

“I can’t eat while I’m nervous,” lied the host. “You eat.” “It would be a shame to enjoy your food without you having any! I think you should have some first.” Devika’s eyes glowed purple behind her dark bangs. Zheng, struggling against herself, picked up her fork and began to chew the poisoned enchilada. It was never wise to lie to a goddess.

Fortunately, the doctor had only used a sedative. The group slipped out to go after her brother, Juanito, the most likely perpetrator. His next target was local ultranationalist, Nicolas Rodriguez Carrasco. Unbeknownst to the others, Callahan returned to the Zheng residence, studying how to cure the transformation. His academic expulsion from England made him sensitive to those who committed crimes of anger. Tácito Velasco, alias the Jade Jaguar, went to his newly repaired office. Some case files helped him track down a dive bar where the gold shirts liked to waste afternoons. Devi picked up Florence, recapping the adventure and emphasizing all her great jokes. (“Now he’s a decomposer! You get it right?”) In a run-down dive, the group didn’t seem imposing. To the untrained eye, it was a fancy lawyer, two gringos and an Indian girl in combat boots. Nunca. Velasco was unwilling to throw the first punch. Awkward. Devika read out a folded note in phonetic Spanish.

“Your mother owes my burro 30 pesos for services rendered.”

The Mexico-Firsters might’ve let that slide, until Tácito brought up Carrasco’s old friend Pancho Villa. That got the fists flying.

The Jade Jaguar was combat elegance defined. He was surrounded, and yelled at the crowd: “It seems you are unlawfully detaining me. I will exercise self-defense against kidnapping!”

Someone threw a punch and he responded with a kick to the elbow, a whirling back fist, and a rising knee. Elsewhere, Callahan used his scientific know-how to pour ball bearings on the floor and cover the bar top with grease. Devi almost got a beer bottle to the skull, but used her psychic whammy to flummox her foes. One tonto whirled his pool cue around, smashing his pal in the face. Another tripped and sent his friend face-first into a barstool. India’s Richest Girl wasn’t done yet. She used the mirror behind the bar to incapacitate six crooks at once! Carrasco pulled a knife, but the group ducked around him, allowing Tácito to finish him off with an elegant flying tackle. Things were looking up, until Juanito the Jaguarman dropped from the ceiling. He wanted to kill the gold shirt leader, grabbed Tácito off the floor…and got a Shōryūken for his trouble. The rising uppercut knocked the spots off Juanito and split his jaw into pieces. Another one hit KO for the Jade Jaguar. Professor Callahan grabbed Juanito’s necklace, reverting him to human form. The academic argued that now Juanito could flee to the mountains, an argument that didn’t persuade either of his companions. Callahan switched to his backup plan, a smoke bomb. As the other two coughed, he grabbed the young man over his shoulder and sprinted to safety. Devi and Florence revised the concert to emphasize peace and unity, making it a tribute to the dead composer. Tácito kept his eye out for the professor, vowing to catch him… And make him serve community service for aiding and abetting. A smoke bomb, really?!

Happy 100!

[theultrablog]

Pulp Storytime #99: Terror in Tinseltown! by Alex Drusts.

New readers may ask: Who are you people?! Or Where did this start?

Aldous Bingen, Dr. Hazoul and JP Diamond vs a La La Land conspiracy.

A blow-by-blow account of the mystery would be too lengthy, so let’s stick to the highlights: *Dr. Hazoul tried new interrogation techniques, which led to him kissing the leading man on a forbidden jungle temple set. It’s fine though, the actor was ‘totally straight’.

*Serpent-masked marauders held Bingen at gunpoint. "I don’t wanna shoot you!" Said one. "That’s good", Aldous replied, "I don’t want to be shot!"

*JP explained the difference between a fork and a triagular snakebite. "The tines of a fork are in a row, so you don’t stab yourself in the mouth." And the finale. Great boxed text.

In twenty feet the tunnel opens up into a larger room. A pair of gasoline-powered generators rumble over to your left near the wall. Cables run from both generators across the dirt floor, one going to a film projector on top of a wooden table, the other to a movie camera on a tripod. A cultist in a gold snake mask and a white jumpsuit fiddles with the projector. Another cultist in similar attire looks through the eyepiece of the camera. Both have their backs to you as they focus their attention on the opposite wall, where a bizarre scene plays out. Lily Montgomery stands on a small platform about ten feet in front of a flat wall, completely nude and perfectly still. Behind her hangs Hollander’s painting in all its strange, primitive glory. Lily holds a pose identical to that of the woman in the painting, a wooden flute held to her lips and Chloe’s black snake draped across her shoulders. Lily’s fingers move in a mesmerizing dance as she plays a haunting melody on the flute, over and over.

The film projector provides the only light in the cavern. It casts a flickering black and white image of Hollander’s painting, superimposed over Lily and the actual painting. The projection is positioned in such a way that it lines up perfectly with both Lily’s still form and the painting behind her. The effect is disconcerting, and as you stare you find yourself becoming hypnotized by the layered images. It seems as though the painting is shifting and writhing behind Lily. You can’t tell whether it’s just an optical trick, or if something more sinister and unexplainable is happening. The three elements start to meld together before your eyes.

The trio called on all their willpower not to be hypnotized. Hazoul didn’t want to damage the only light source…So he simply removed the film from the camera! Even with tagalong Ava Astor’s help, the fight was at a standstill. She got bit by a poisonous snake… and it was hard for JP to brawl with the villains’ goons, certified stuntmen! Hazoul had another brilliant idea, exposing the electrical wiring, as JP led the giant snake over it. There was a bang, a sizzle, and a smell of charbroiled meat… but when everyone opened their eyes, the villains had escaped. Luckily, leading lady Lily was rescued, and the players had nothing to do but cure a snake bite, get the actress to a hospital, and negotiate the movie rights. They could name it something catchy, like “Horror in Hollywood!”

NEXT WEEK: Tale 100!

[theultrablog]

Pulp Storytime #98: Home on Deranged

We had a Rashomon-style whodunnit, as Captain Ivanova, Elliot McCaffrey, Dr. Hazoul and JP Diamond faced LAPD interrogation. What was supposed to be a quiet matinee ended up with butler Aldous wearing the cowboy hat of Buffalo Bill Cody, and being possessed by that frontier showman! Although in some accounts, it was simply mercury poisoning. Anyway, the antics continued with an unlicensed exorcism, and Texan Elliot grabbing the hat… and wearing it into a Tong Bar. They didn’t appreciate Bill’s gratitude for building the railroad. Then: fisticuffs.

[theultrablog]

Pulp Storytime #97: Powers Of Dr. Remoux! By Stefan Jones.

New readers may ask: Who are you people?! Or Where did this start?

Thaza jimmied open the window. "There is nothing you can possess that I cannot take away…" *** All of our heroes started out separately. Thaza O’Rourke sniffed her Guinness. Raised by apes, now the chief “object retrieval specialist” of the Irish mob… but somehow the family matron made that out like a bad thing?

“You know what pigeonholing is, Thaz? It’s when they think you can only do one thing. So I told the boys would give you an opportunity… Sports repair. Waindell should beat Marshall College by three, would make yer ken here in Lenox Hill a lot of money. And there’s a depression on, sweet thing.”

Naomi O’Rourke wasn’t asking. Thaza was nothing but confident, taking her “project fund” in cash and stopping by a newsstand on the way to the train, eager to look up what “football” was. Callahan was at Marshall College, looking to learn from the ultimate troublesome academic, Dr. Henry Walton-something-Junior. He rang the doorbell: dun da dun dun… must not be home. Josiah Patrick Diamond was faring the best. He and Captain Ivanova had intended to paint Ziegler Security Service’s new office, but were distracted breaking in the couch. Unfortunately, the telephone had to ring. The voodoo-empowered detective was needed elsewhere. The call was from a campus security guard, Darien "the Beast" Wilde. (He was a brother of Florence’s agent, unaware that he and his brother had the exact same nickname.) It was college game day, with hometown Marshall taking on the Waindell Silverbacks. The entire town was flooded with underclassmen. The group convened at a crowded sports bar, where JP’s contact clued them in. Some visiting students had gone missing. Thaza, the most socially adroit of the group, empathized with the kids. It turned out they didn’t want to mention what happened because they were pulling off a prank when they heard a roar and got separated! Their friends Daria and Jimmy hadn’t been seen since Thursday night’s caper. The players investigated prank-victim Professor Wyte’s office that evening, finding out that while he was a public critic of football, he was also tremendously, unthinkably boring, and wasn’t involved in criminal activity. O’Rourke and Callahan went back to their boarding house for shuteye, but JP kept digging… Finding Jimmy’s body, and the person responsible! Unfortunately, private detection is a risky job, and Diamond skipped bedtime for the big sleep.

*** Rafe Lancaster awoke in the presidential suite of the Hilton. It was a wonderful morning… Sure, a bit drizzly, but they were about to dedicate an entire dorm to him at his old Alma mater! He had brought his best friend, millionaire mentee Devika, who turned on the radio… Where they were reporting on the death of a college student! He soon joined the others. But what our group had gained in cash and charisma, they had lost in investigative skill. The road to the truth had many detours. Rafe wasn’t universally beloved on campus… In fact, he got an absolute tongue-lashing from one of the members of the football team, for his actions attacking a wedding*! (Rafe is the first player character who started out as a full antagonist.) Completely flustered by someone who he couldn’t bully with money, the millionaire industrialist decamped to the local malt shop. There, his 13-year-old Indian bestie served him hard truths as he drank a wretched milkshake. (Lumpy when it was supposed to be smooth, runny where it was supposed to be thick… It was clear why this place, out of everywhere in town, was empty.) Instead of admitting culpability for his past actions, Rafe went behind the counter, took out his tools and fixed the machine. Baby steps? Thaza accidentally caught wind of Callahan’s reason for visiting campus. Which meant recruiting her favorite sidekick (Devika!) to “repatriate” world artifacts.

“A wonderful taste in spears,” said Dr. Jones. “The Hovitos had something similar… not like in Borneo though.”

Apparently the Scourge of the Kaiser was back from vacation early. And he was curious about the connection between the cat burglar raised by apes… and the college student who had his bones shattered and his blood slurped. Could she please handle it?

After some more digging, the players found the villain’s redoubt. The old Marshall gymnasium was drawing way too much power. Our heroes snuck inside. Rafe had actually been in the building before, decades ago… But it had new occupants. The most notable: a 900 pound ape!

O’Rourke was the perfect burglar for the job. She was able to talk to the ape, Moriarty, who was utterly baffled that a human could speak its language. The gangster laid on the charm, and Moriarty revealed that he had killed one of the missing students and tried his red juice. He was eager to drink more human blood; it was delicious. He wouldn’t kill her, because he had never met a human who could talk with him, but maybe she had some friends he could consume?

Elsewhere, Callahan and Lancaster snuck down dusty gymnasium tunnels. Through a peephole, they saw something unexpected… Hung on a hook, JP Diamond’s trenchcoat! Unfortunately, they also saw the psychotic Professor Remoux, and the missing co-ed!

Thaza tried to slash the dork with her spear, but the Frenchman deflected it with a bare hand! Prof Callahan theorized that whoever was behind the attacks was removing and absorbing life energy. And if he couldn’t see JP, there was only one place Louisiana PI could be… In the machine! Rafe, meanwhile, earned the ire of the great ape, getting grabbed by the peckish beast. And he wasn’t winning a wrestling match with a 700 pound weight disadvantage.

Thaza was more of a burglar than a battler. Which meant everything was down to Callahan, the only educator of Queen’s College Malta. It was the rude Briton’s time to shine. He assessed the machine instantly, even fixing a wire bypass, bringing the dead JP from his current state (no longer zombied and therefore dead) to a state of energetic super coherence! JP immediately grabbed Daria the student, put her in the machine, and brought her back from near coma to fighting fit shape.

Dozens of footfalls came down the stairs… It was the prank-loving Silverback football team! Rafe convinced them, through straining lungs, to rescue him from the evil gorilla. They did. (Odd some people believe it would take 100 men!)

Remoux saw his numeric disadvantage… And decided that it was time to absorb massive amounts of life force. The room began to fill with white light, dirt and dust shaking loose from the ceiling. Small bits of moss and weeds grew and grew and grew! Moriarty rushed to help his boss, while everyone else fled. Professor Callahan stumbled over a bloom of dandelions thick as telephone cords. The group got outside… Seeing an overwhelming organic bloom rushing across campus. And in fact, threatening the soon-to-be “Lancaster“ dormitory! Rafe grabbed his pistol, aimed at a power transformer, and remembered the training of his mentor, a hero known for his clutch last second pistol skills…STEEL EAGLE! The Tibetan Spirit of Brooklyn must’ve been a hell of a tutor, because Rafe took out the power, which stopped the machine… Instead of being ripped in half by nature, the side of the building was blanketed in ivy and crocuses.

Never one to miss an opportunity, Rafe grabbed a bullhorn from a nearby cheerleader and gave his abridged speech, saying that while he could give money to the university, he was prouder still to aid his beloved alma mater so directly. Cheers and applause. ***

“Thaza O’Rourke?” “No autographs please.” It was Darien “the Beast” Wilde. “One of the placekickers was found with a detailed gambling sheet in his locker… Do you have any comment?”

Thaza raced out of the stadium, down the tree line, and into the vines that crisscrossed the campus.

Rigging gambling… Dammit, she should’ve just hired Penny. *In Kiss Kiss, Ratatatat!!

[theultrablog]

Pulp Storytime #96: The Tomb of Doom!

New readers may ask: Who are you people?! Or Where did this start? --- “I also have a question," said the aspiring novelist in the third row. “Actually, it’s more of a comment.” Querida pinched the bridge of her nose.

Mid-February, New York. Penny An’te, still nominally secretary of Ziegler Security Services, is setting up the new office in Park West. (The last one was firebombed by a mute maniac, but he got killed by a sniper so it’s all good.) The phone, just installed, rings on the only table. It’s Devika. There’s a big mission, could Penny find Thaza O’Rourke, famed cat burglar raised by apes? And get her to the airfield within an hour? Oh, and pack winter clothing. Already at the plane should be Devi’s horse-fanatic pal, 14-year-old Alice Cavendish. Unless Penny knew anyone else who spoke Mongolian? Half a mile away, Devi strolled down the hall, knocking on the classroom door of Mr. Sidney Rosenthal. Modern readers might see him as a mix of Andre the Giant and Mr. Rogers, but the wrestling promoters of New York know him as the Invincible Orca!

Unfortunately, Devika asks Sid to recruit the last member of the group, Querida "Q" Wilcox. The cowgirl novelist is holding a reading in New York, her latest gangster thriller… and absolutely everyone who wants a book signed wants a conversation. Rosenthal might be the toughest guy in wrestling history, but he’s also one of the most patient… eventually, Thaza leaves the plane to call the bookstore, and demands Dolores, Peruvian publicist, end the signing immediately. Sid gets on the plane, gets comfortable, and gets handed a stack of Devika’s homework. Profs Callahan and Hazoul love assigning homework, but grading it is a different matter. Miss Velyapur waits until the plane is in the air to explain their assignment: helping her mentor Rafe Lancaster with a mission in Mongolia! On landing, Penny quickly buttonholes the industrialist. She's still mad that he attacked the Lala/Simon wedding with a robot. If he puts one foot out of line, she'll cut it off. ***

The accommodations in the city were rural to say the least. Dried dung was a major heating source. Devi snarked to Penny that they could make some cash, "selling these guys the specs to 'the wheel' ".

The locals had pride though. Querida was pushed to the limit in horse racing, and the Orca was nearly pinned by a local competitor! After a lot of drinking and dumplings, Rafe revealed his goal. He had spent beacoup bucks on a special camel that could find the hidden tomb of Genghis Khan! And it was a mere two days ride away. The cowgirl made sure the journey was quick, even though city-boy Sid had never sat in a saddle. On the plus side, the group reached their destination with alacrity. They were able to survive a betrayal by their native guide and defeat the Mongolians sworn to defend the ancestral mountain. Penny, good-hearted against her best judgment, saved Rafe from a trained falcon mauling. Thaza and Devi had their hands full with a local shaman, who beat a drum hard enough to cause earthquakes! Luckily, the girl millionaire had picked out the perfect steel necklace from Bloomingdale’s, and the cat burglar silenced the throat singer. Being fast was a plus. The minus was arriving in time for a giant battle! The general area of the tomb was already home to Russian, German and Japanese forces, all fighting over the steppe. Why? Rumor had it that the banner of Khan made an army undefeatable! The party whipped up a plan to get the camel across the battlefield: Rosenthal & An’Te analyzed the troop movements. None of the expeditions had expected company, and the battle was a fracas. That gave O’Rourke & Velyapur an idea… A dynamite distraction to draw tri-national attention. Wilcox was tasked with riding the camel around no man’s land, discovering the grave‘s location and signaling the others. The camel was much harder to ride than her pet paso Caramelo, but she made it undetected. A lesser group of adventurers might’ve needed to blow open the tomb entrance. But O’Rourke was a generational talent, and the Indian orphan the perfect sidekick. As the camel wept near an outcropping, Mr. Rosenthal grabbed the keystones and removed them with a mighty heft. The work of dozens of men with shovels, handled by him in a New York minute. The group hid the entrance again from the inside, sending Alice around the bend with the horses and camel. (She was a translator, not a fighter.) The party’s amazing streak of luck continued. The cat burglar and the orphan were able to disable traps at a sprint, blocking levers and cracking blades as if they were batting away butterflies. They had reached the final chamber when the group heard Alice’s screams from above! Penny and the Orca answered the challenge. The 6’10" second-grade teacher emerged from the rocks like he was breaching the surface of the ocean. A Russian colonel was grabbing Alice in a hammerlock. The Hebrew killer whale showed the colonel how to really apply the hold. He tried to lift the man into a suplex, but the wily red pulled a knife! Penny couldn’t draw a bead in the confusion… *** In the final room, Thaza disabled a springing wall spike. The moldering wooden coffin of Genghis Khan laid before them. A place whose builders have been killed to ensure its secrecy. Devi felt a dark presence… But Lancaster had "every characteristic of the egoistic." He grabbed the banner, and a dark fog covered Thaza’s mind. Rafe wasn’t a rube with more money than sense… he was a God-king, to be obeyed or else! Q grabbed her lasso, her mind not clouded by the banner’s corruption. She had to get that artifact, or it was curtains for the group. *** "You’re going to die here, Americansky!" yelled the bolshevik, knife held low. The Orca fell to his knees…giving Penny the shot. The pinko’s gray matter landed in the snow. *** Wppsh! It was tight quarters, but the blue-collar brawler was good with a rope. She made sure to hold the banner indirectly, not wanting to absorb Temüjin's spirit. Lancaster’s face was a mask of rage, fury flowing through him even without the artifact. He lunged at the Peruvian, hate casting shadows across his heart. But he couldn’t reach her… Someone was holding his tie. He looked back, into the face of his 13-year-old mentee. Into her glowing purple eyes…

"Rafe, you’re my friend, don’t embarrass yourself."

Her mystic friendship dissipated the vengeful spirit, rattling the Khan-man. He was himself again, very apologetic… Maybe they could skip telling Penny this one? And how would they keep the treasure safe from foreign forces until it was safe enough to dispose of? Was there a lingering curse? The nearest safe vault was Cairo…. Which meant a two-day ride to a 15-hour flight! Querida went back to one of the traps, un-jamming a lever and sending the banner into the endless pit below. The artifact was still there…Just in Inner Mongolia. *** Up on the surface, Rafe and Devika argued whether mind control violated section 8C of their contract. Unfortunately, this clued Penny in that something weird had happened. The argument only ended when Thaza emerged with dozens of non-enchanted artifacts. Not everything was magical in life… But near everything could be sold.

[theultrablog]

Pulp Storytime #95: "They Kill By Proxy..." by Daniel R. Robichaud II

New readers may ask: Who are you people?! Or Where did this start? ---

Washington State, Dec '35. The heroes were summoned to a creepy mansion under mysterious of circumstances. The quartet this time: detective Diamond, Trudy Truman (her face still bandaged from last week!), Professor Callahan and Afghan photog/gunman Javid Kulfi. The whole event was designed by a twisted creep named Mormo Cutter. He tried to sabotage the cars, separate everyone, and lure them into deathtraps, but the players were far too canny. They saved a fellow partygoer from a paralytic toxin, and set an oil spray surprise for anyone who might try and tamper with Callahan’s Renault Nervasport. Mormo Cutter:

Before dinner, Mormo pontificated on the relationship between life and death. Trudy, gifted with an incredible nose, interrupted. The dinner had been poisoned, probably with a rare curare, and since it was winter, the herb came from the greenhouse behind the mansion. This sent the other guests into an uproar. Our foursome could’ve calmed the situation down… Except for the screaming Groundskeeper, being sprayed in the face with hot oil! Trudy and Callahan checked on the problem, calling the man out on his chicanery. He responded by trying to bite the bandaged Australian! After a desperate struggle, Trudy opened the hood and Callahan slipped one of the cretin’s arms inside. SLAM! Back at the dinner table, JP was ready to dispense justice… Until the 80-year-old cook started crying. Everyone was in such a bad mood, making horrible accusations, and she couldn’t handle it! The Southern Gentleman detective was obligated to comfort her. The other guests, already on edge, started to beat the smirk off their host’s face. By the time JP got back, gangster Meyer Polo was feeding poisoned mashed potatoes to the last of the Cutters. The British professor arrived and, shortly after agreeing to carefully search the house for evidence, started unwittingly flirting with Polo. And accidentally invited him on a date. Going through Mormo’s mail revealed the existence of a “Murder Club!” Someone named EB had sent false claims to all the attendees, hoping that Cutter might get rid of his rivals. The players did some digging, and found out that EB was short for Eddie Boyd, a local Brahmin with friends in City Hall and the local Cosa Nostra. Eddie wasn’t the brightest bulb. He counted on his fingers, but didn’t count on Ziegler Security Services. With a little wiretapping, deception and the help of snitch Francis Mattz, ZSS built a case. Local cop David Ringo initially offered to help, until his daughter got nabbed by the mob. The group found her and, after clearing out the thugs, massively delayed the coroner’s Christmas vacation. Ten-year-old Darla was safe and sound, having developed a nasty swearing habit. Trudy Truman tried to tell her father.

Darla objected. “Trudy, thanks for saving me, but in America we don’t like goddamn rats.”

The trial was tough, but Eddie was convicted, with snitch Francis Mattz only getting time served. Almost as if Eddie was the fall guy for Mattz’s plans! Trudy and Josiah were celebrating Xmas Eve when the last domino dropped. They were decorating the penthouse of Seattle’s nicest hotel, with millionaire Devika and the Ringos. Everything was pleasant, until they turned on the radio. Francis's voice looped on the airwaves.

“I’ve an army of murderers, cannibals and savages across the country, and they might live as close as next door. Unless the United States government pays me $100,000 dollars per month for the rest of my life, I will unleash my army upon the populace.”

There was a collective sigh. JP reached for his coat.

“Room service!” Everyone looked at Devi. “I mean, I ordered every dessert they had a few times.”

A weaselly teenager struggled to bring in the carts. And then was thrown through them by seven feet of pure lunatic.

Punching the brute wasn’t effective. The fireplace poker didn’t do much either. The man had no neck and fists the size of irons. Trudy struggled to open one of the giant windows. Josiah taunted the man into a charge, and chop-blocked himself full force into the man’s legs. The seven-footer fell five stories, his head landing on the dumpster and the rest of him not. Trudy had a queer smile as she closed the window.

“This Mattz is threatening all of America… I think we should try and fight him via telephone.”

Yes, the players called in the cavalry, hard. Mad scientists located the man via radio signal; he was on a steamer in international waters. Trudy called Century Club members to storm the boat, with the Coast Guard and “Typhoon” Mike McGinnitty to distracting it on the waves. JP even called in a favor to get a “super telescope” so they could watch the action while eating Christmas dinner. It was at this point that we all remembered the name of the module. And started laughing uncontrollably.

[theultrablog]

Pulp Storytime #94: Empire of the Black Pharaoh! By Paul Wiggidy-Wade Williams

New readers may ask: Who are you people?! Or Where did this start?

---

The sickos licked their blades. They would spill foreign blood. Finally, something they wanted from the West.

This was a super action-packed session. Since the gang has been in Cairo for a bit, I was able to bring back a lot of characters.

"QUIET ON THE SET! The Egyptian Princess, scene 40, chariot chase, take one!"

Yep, the gang was making a movie. It starred Elena Altieri, Guila "Lala" Santinella’s movie industry friend… and Professor Hemett Hazoul’s current crush. Aldous Bingen, ex-butler to the stars, was producing. Trudy Truman provided publicity, with Tacìto Uriel Velasco as legal counsel. It was a fearsome fivesome!

The movie was beset by problems. The chariot chase scene got out of control, a victim of both a sniper and sabotage. Lala was able to jump onto Elena’s chariot and save her before the thing fell apart. But the problems didn’t end there. At night, an invisible intruder tried to steal the star’s necklace, the Eye of Ra. It was an ancient artifact… And some folks would kill to get it. A stuntman died in the chariot catastrophe, so the movie was postponed. The players went to town, but foolishly gave the necklace to in-over-her-head journalist Trudy. While the group tried to fill producer Devika’s massive shopping list, Trudy got grabbed by thugs in an open sedan! The other four hurried to follow, only to be jumped by scimitar wielding sickos. The group battled back, with dirty-fighting specialist Hazoul in his element. He stabbed one thug with an unpurchased kitchen knife, hurled sand at another, and hit a third behind a fabric stall, emerging only to stab someone else with a giant sewing needle. Tacito was a blur of fists and feet, until the shadowy assassin "Mr. Nowhere" revealed himself. Instead of trying to fight the Jade Jaguar fairly, Nowhere turned his invisibility cloak inside out, and threw it on the lawyer! The Abagado’s heightened senses worked against him. He wanted to perceive something, but his mind was overwhelmed… Elsewhere, Lala drove her stunt cycle through the crowded sûk. The narrow streets stymied the thugs, and she was able to catch up when she cut through a construction site. With Trudy’s help, she grabbed a bucket of white paint… And threw it in the crook’s faces, causing them to spin out! Former sprinter Trudy jumped from the car and barely landed on Lala’s pegs. The group cleared out the crooks, but Mr. Nowhere escaped. (He wasn’t getting paid enough for this.) Hazoul, a master of outsider science, was able to free Tacíto from the cloak, and figure out how to use it. It had a limited charge, but complete invisibility could be useful… After that, the gang’s investigation led to a series of tombs near Amarna. They passed through a room with a trio of moving flames, and slipped past a flying blade trap triggered by pressure plates. They were once burned (literally), and twice shy. Hazoul used his climbing pitons to nail down all the sarcophagi they passed. They arrived at an ancient room with a small slot... The necklace fit into a slot. With a clunk, it activated a star map that revealed the real treasure was elsewhere within the temple complex. And then the tomb started to collapse. The gang ran for their lives. They ran past the flying blades, the trapped floor tiles, around the burning flames… out of the collapsing tunnels. They made it back to the surface only a few steps short of certain doom. The lawyer and tomb raider put their heads together. A bit of dead reckoning, some calendar work, and mathematics gave them a precise area, only 20 yards past where prior archaeologists had stopped digging. The next hole in the ground was much less dangerous; the trap was corroded by age. Past the puzzle was a strange sphere, like a pockmarked bowling ball with an hourglass inside. Unfortunately, there was someone waiting for them above. The architect of their misfortune, surrounded by his personal army and with a truck-mounted machine gun…THE BLACK PHARAOH!

Lala got him monologuing, promising to betray the group if she only knew what he was thinking. Hazoul chimed in.

"You should believe her, Italians are duplicitous."

Turns out the Orb Pharaoh snatched from them controlled time. He would use it to blackmail the world, turning defiant cities into caveman clusters. Egypt would rule the modern world, just like it had the ancient one. To show these imbeciles the orb’s power, he would revert this seemingly broken trap! *** The trap was electricity-based; the group solved it ingeniously. Tacito used the chains he was bound with as an electrical conductor, untying himself, nailing them to the sand floor, and grounding the deadly arcs. Just in time to prevent a swift death. It was time to get revenge on the Pharaoh… …and the Jaguar had an idea of who to talk to. His criminal contact in Cairo, Mahmoud Al-Adwani. Trudy and Lala used all their social graces to set up a meeting at Shepheard’s Hotel. Sure, T.U. Velasco had freed "Million Dollar" Mahler*, but he would make it up to the crime lord. He’d get rid of a Pharaoh, a costumed idiot who would likely bring the attention of all the cops on Earth. Al-Adwani said sure… In exchange for a role in their movie. Tacìto agreed as Aldous tried to shake his head ‘no’. Adwani told them about the Pharoah's base, miles downriver. The party was a bunch of sneakers. And although one of them wasn’t very stealthy, they remembered they had an invisibility suit. With that, they were able to slink into the compound outside Minya, bypassing Pharaoh’s hired guns and making their way into his sanctum. Which appeared to be a rocketship?! It seemed the Black Pharaoh was not only a magician, but a gifted inventor. The players were able to stow away right before lift off. It was just him and masked slasher The Scarab there. (El Principe Del Inframundo was nearby… But Trudy locked him out of the rocket!)

The party was a victim of their own success. They were in close quarters with the villain and a vicious killer. Hazoul, normally a key fighter, was caught between disarming the ship’s weaponry and keeping Scarab contained. Due to his split focus, an energy beam fired… but went wild, reverting a 5-mile patch of Egypt into an ancient floodplain! Trudy tried to get the radio going, while the beetle-oid brawler kept trying to tear it out of the wall! Lala focused on deception and fighting defensively, doing all she could to keep the non-combatants alive. The Jade Jaguar applied knuckles to skulls. In one moment, he had Aldous dip the ship through the air, using the decreased gravity to jump off a wall… and the increased gravity to land a tooth-loosening punch! Trudy, slashed in the gut by the Scarab, finally got through to British air command. This was a secure frequency, but, because she helped save Australia, they were duty-bound to scramble the fighters and intercept the doomsday weapon. The Scarab didn’t like that. As everyone else tried to evacuate, he smashed a glass panel above Trudy Truman‘s face, sending down disfiguring shards! She screamed, and the group decided parachutes were the better part of valor. Lala grabbed her and drove out of the vehicle, her third such rescue of the week. Everyone landed basically on target… Except for Hazoul. He heroically evacuated last, which meant his landing zone was somewhere in the Arabian desert. A few days later, he was rescued at great expense… To the film production. After all the magic he had had to put up with, he was happy to deal with Hollywood accounting. *In the adventure Graveyard by the Nile.

[theultrablog]

Pulp Storytime #93: Terror of the Z-bomb! By Paul Wiggidy-Wade Williams

New readers may ask: Who are you people?! Or Where did this start?

“Was I a cute toddler?” Kabir thought for a moment. “And do you want me to be nice, Devika?” “That feels like an answer.” She swerved around a tourist, Benny Goodman blasting from the radio. “You were effective. You used the tools available to you.” “So, a brat.” “The worst!”

In the 30s, Christmas started only a few weeks before the holidays. D Velyapur, W Callahan, JP Diamond, and adventuring bureaucrat Kabir Rupert were trying to find the presents. Three adult men in boring suits, and a millionaire teenage girl… The recipe for a perfect Macy’s trip! Devi was trying to get Callahan to wear something that couldn’t be described as "musty". Detective Josiah was arguing the cost of parrot feed. Kabir was checking out silk ties. The Nazi jet troopers were breaking out the third floor windows and holding everyone hostage. Kabir shoved a mannequin in front of him to approach, then used a judo choke to take out one of the guards. Callahan took the man’s jet pack, using his literally minutes of prior experience to blast into a pack of Raketentruppen. Detective Diamond hustled to the athletic department, returning with a Louisville slugger. The ratzis got a homerun welcome. Devi, mystic extraordinaire, noticed how many mirrors and display cases had been destroyed. She yelled a phrase that she was sure to teach all her friends in Hindi: "apanee aankhen band karen!" The invaders didn’t know to cover their eyes, and were stunned by the whammy coming at them from dozens of pieces of reflected glass. There was a brief interrogation, but it was barely necessary. Floating above midtown was a Grand Zeppelin, broadcasting a message:

“Citizens of New York City, hear the voice of Doctor Schmutzig, and listen well. By now you have already encountered my elite rocket troops and witnessed the destructive power of their weaponry. This attack is to punish those who meddled in my affairs before, and who destroyed my Luftschloss*. “As I speak,” Schmutzig continued, “remotely operated bombs are already moving along 12th Avenue. Exactly when and where they will explode will be a nice festive surprise! Let the deaths of innocents be a warning to those who would seek to foil my plans a second time! Oh, and if your airplanes try to intercept any of my men or vehicles, the bombs will be remotely detonated without warning.”

(*See SKY PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN, Part 2!)

The Duesenberg was fueled and ready. Devi slid behind the wheel, already calibrated with the extra long pedals. It was a good thing she put on the tire chains: New Yorkers had responded to the crisis by abandoning their cars in the middle of the street! She'd have to take the sidewalk...

“Don’t worry, that was just a snowman."

In the backseat, JP and Winston struggled to put together a radio jammer from things in their shopping bags. Eventually, they managed to turn off the bombs' signals… while JP leaned out the window, catching the contraptions with a pink butterfly net. Situation diffused, the group split up. JP noticed Callahan's rival, Professor Nochebuena, being dragged into an alley by fifth columnists. With nothing else at hand, he used a wooden stick-with-a-net to score home runs. 5 to 0 for the home team. Now, to get a cab to Lord Simon's during an air attack… Kabir, the bureaucrat, had a brilliant idea. There wouldn’t be a better opportunity to raid the German consulate. The office workers claimed they had no idea this was going to happen. (Maybe they were correct: if this were a real ‘all hands on deck’ situation, they would’ve been evacuated.) Still, Rupert wouldn’t relent. They had broken laws from improper firearm use to airspace violations. The only proper thing was to let him and Devi look over the files, while JP, back at the group’s home base, instructed them via telephone. It was a brilliant strategy. Official cables had ordered surveillance of numerous former professors, physicists who had fled the increasing hatred of German law.

(Devi, master of tact, didn’t tell Professor Callahan that he wasn’t on the Nazi’s list of noted mad scientists...but his rival was.) The twisted tale of German deceit led the group to Queens, and then to the famous Folies-Bergere nightclub in Paris. Unfortunately, the burlesque house had a strict 18+ age limit, so Devi spent the evening on the curb, despite repeated threats to purchase the venue and fire the doorman. Inside, the trio of gents drank champagne and made eyes at the nearly nude dames. They were questioning one of the chanteuses in her dressing room when they heard screaming from the club kitchen. The SS had turned up like a bad centime! The brown shirts were thwarted when Callahan made a liquor bomb from the chardonnay. Those who survived the initial attack had Diamond’s knuckles to contend with. Au revoir. [As a sidenote, JP Diamond might be the best investigator in any game of anything. He consistently gets maximum rolls and has it as his top skill. The guy gets more leads than a pet store.] Some digging by the Big-Easy Bloodhound unearthed the truth. The Nazis needed physicists for an implosion device they called the Z-bomb. Far deadlier than anything else in Earth’s arsenal, it was a super weapon strong enough to blackmail the world. And their command hub was a castle in Bremen. Just infiltrate a heavily guarded Nazi castle, when the group’s sneakiest member was a half-trained tween… easy. Kabir Rupert was the first man to earn the Order of the British Empire in bureaucracy. Which meant he could do things with paperwork the average person would find impossible. With only a few well-placed phone calls, he had not only secured the group legitimate travel papers, but had ordered them three German uniforms, a Hitler youth outfit, and a motorcar. A few miles from the castle was an airfield. Callahan had a hunch… the flight logs could tell them just as much as anything in the fortress. A few gestures and some well-made forgeries later, he found out Schmutzig left earlier that day… for Antarctica. Well, at least it was summer in the southern hemisphere! Some more bureaucratic malfeasance and the group was off to the ice. The final base required a lot of luck. The group had prepped an excuse: "You idiots, we’re safety inspectors!". And it >worked.< Not forever, but long enough for the group to be escorted to the big boss’s office.

And that meant it was time for sabotage. Devi, amateur burglar, was able to secure the hostage-scientists and sneak them to the base’s airfield. Kabir’s expert judo stealthily dealt with any too-curious guards. Trusting Callahan to destroy a scientific wonder might’ve been a mistake though... It took some extremely stern words from JP to make sure the device was set to self-destruct. The ruse couldn’t hold forever. And none of the four heroes were much good at gunplay, so it was a flat-out sprint to the escape vehicle. Also a problem: two lazy soldaten sleeping on the plane! After all that chaos, the plane had barely left the tarmac when the Z-bomb detonated.

The airplane bucks like a wild stallion, and the engines redline as you fight to prevent the aircraft being sucked into oblivion, wing panels peeling away and flying off back toward the base...but finally, you escape!

A thrilling adventure, but a question remained. Was it too late to order all the presents from a catalog?

A Frozen city (Chicago, actually, but it's great art!)

[theultrablog]

Pulp Storytime #92: Adwa that ends well!

New readers may ask: Who are you people?! Or Where did this start?

No, you didn't miss one!

I had two #43s. Oops. So one is 91.

Semya leaned against the stone telegraph shack. "Funny… Normally a dame walks into your office, right?”

The group had been earning a bit of a reputation lately. Still, it was a surprise when they were invited to Addis Ababa for a meeting with emperor Haile Selassie. In 1935, Italy was at war with Ethiopia. So this wasn't a pleasure visit. Russian explorer Captain Semya Ivanova and detective JP Diamond were obvious picks. Less likely but still useful were Hawaiian gambler Penny An’Te, stuntwoman Lala Santinella, her daughter the mystic Devika Velyapur. The oddball: the cat burglar raised by apes, Thaza O’Rourke! A gigantic stele, 30m tall, had disappeared from the capital. It had given the country fortune during the last attempted invasion, and now was gone! Surely the adventurers could handle the situation.

A 24m stele, for scale:

Penny went to work questioning bureaucrats. An interior minister, under cross-examination, admitted to taking enough bribes to make his family wealthy for generations. So he had no fear: his family would be fine no matter what they did to him. Captain Ivanova took the man to a private room… and told JP to stand outside and count to 30. The bureaucrat, now a member of the wealthy elite, had no chance against the Soviet’s greatest mind-breaker. After 10 seconds, he was willing to snitch. After 20, he begged to return the money. *** Semya had names, but wanted more information. She and JP headed to the telegraph office, where she flirted (in native Amharic) with the operator. Detective Diamond told the ravishing ruskie not to waste her lipstick: there was a real man around. She obliged him with a kiss or two, but told him that they were a clue… He still had to work for the rest of the case. (A classic love story: a war veteran goes home, gets put under a voodoo curse, and falls for the coldest-blooded woman in the Soviet bloc.)

*** Penny and Lala had shared an up-and-down relationship over the last two adventures. Addis Ababa was not teeming with romantic opportunities, but they took some time to get together in one of the quiet rooms of the presidential Presidio.

(A classic love story: gambler meets stuntwoman, both shirk work to get lucky.)

*** The telegrams came back: Helmut Wagner was the Italian army's man, a collector of mystic rarities, last seen 100 miles northeast of the capital. The sextet reunited at the scene of the missing Stele, and found not one footprint or tire track. How exactly had the Italians done it? The answer came after a blisteringly hot drive. As the jeeps crested the hill, they saw an ancient fortress… and floating above it, the missing monolith!

“Found it,” offered Devika.

O’Rourke proved her worth, finding a secret passage in the underbrush. In the fortress, soldiers laughed and gossiped as they headed to the roof. Lala translated… it was time for a mystic ritual! Thaza snuck behind them… and, overwhelmed by instinct, clambered onto the floating pillar. There’s only so much you can do about a perfect climbing opportunity when you’re raised by gorillas… The battle was joined. JP threw haymakers, Penny put airholes in soldiers, and all Ivanova had to do was crack her whip. She had a worse rep than Spanish flu. Unfortunately, the Italians had an equalizer. They were harnessing the power of the enormous artifact, its aura making them tougher and deadlier. Any one of them was a match for the heroes, and there were dozens! Thaza and Lala were essential to victory. Miss Santinella used her stunt training to belay Miss O’Rourke, who launched from the floating stele, past the roof… penduluming spear first onto Helmut! As the spell slinger in charge, he needed to maintain the magic… hard to do with a lady Tarzan on top of you. Devi, with the help of the groups’ tactics and intel, stole the power of the Stele for the good guys. Penny’s empowered purse pistol shot four hats off four soldiers. (They surrendered.) She wanted to kill the boss, but schemer Thaza brought up a great point. An Italian arrested for witchcraft would make Mussolini disavow the operation. But a few military casualties and talks of massive magic would make Europe dismiss Abyssinia’s problems as bunk! *** Romance was in the air back in Addis Ababa. JP stopped by the telegram office again, having used his investigative skills to find the best chef in the country. Elsewhere, Lala surprised Penny with a steel commitment ring. Her previous wedding had been a huge flop… And it only taught her how important it was to find someone she loved.

Devika claimed to support the union, because Penny was independently wealthy and didn’t need her. "But no more weddings, I’m still paying off bullet hole damage to the last venue."

The group has lots of reputations.

[theultrablog]

Pulp Storytime: Who are you people?!

A big list of adventurers. Character Name & Key Aspects. Easy enough!

The Core Folks: Expect to see'em a lot.

Devika Velyapur. Mystic Orphan. Ex Goddess of the Red Jasmine Cult.India's Richest Girl.

Lord Simon Alfric (aka Alfed Simons). Jewish Gentleman Thief. Easily overwhelmed by women. Equipped for Thievery.

Javid Kulfi. Ex Militia Sniper. Famed Shutterbug & Tour Guide. Unappreciated tactician.

Capt. Semya Ivanova. Inspirational Russian Explorer. Devout Communist. Cold Blooded?

Aldous Bingen: Argentine Butler To The World. Hard earned Hollywood Expertise. Lives to serve.

Josiah Patrick "JP" Diamond: Surprisingly lively PI. Workaholic. Great War Vet.

Penelope "Penny" An'Te: Hawaiian Gambling Prodigy. Hotel Swim Instructor. Shootist (with My purse pistol, Ahonui).

Gulia "La La" Santinella.Firey Italian Stuntwoman, Grew up broke. Adoptive Mommy to a Millionaire (Devika).

Thaza O'Rourke: New York's Greatest Catburglar.Raised by Apes! In it for the THRILL.

Tácito Uriel Velasco, attorney at law. Boxing legend turned attorney. Instintos de jaguar. Sensible Ex-Con.

Florence "Zee" Ziegler: Aussie Torch Singer. Rode the Rails. True to Trudy?

Trudy Contessa "Tessie" Truman. In over her head Aussie Journo.Anything for the story. Ex Track Star. Ex Hoboess. True to Trudie?

Guest Stars: Not every week, but common!

Saeki "Zelda" Yoriko. Former Detective's “Assistant. Early adopting Hipster. Daughter of a General.

Connie Johnson: 20 year old Negro League star. Much to Prove. "In Georgia, We'd..."

Siao Yun (Xiao Xun). Wandering Vigilante. Healer with bloodstained hands. 4000 years of Chinese Supremacy.

Rafe Lancaster. Millionaire playboy industrialist. Every characteristic of the egotistic. Marshall Class of '21. 

Ivan "Ivo" Kochev: Elusive Yugoslav Smuggler. On The Run. Expert Amateur Archaeologist

Obscure: only in a few adventures.

Duke Van Der Pol.  Square-Jawed Yalie. Hard Drinkin' Navy Man. ...With a biiig secret.

Kabir Rupert, OBE: Dilletante Explorer. Best Judoka in Hyderabad. Sharpest Tongue at Oxford.

Oksona Larsson. Nervous Swede Reporter. Jewish Former Farm Girl.

Sister Helene Ynez. Electrical Genius Nun. Einstein's Protege. Very French.

Steel Eagle! aka Gyatso Tsering. Tibetian spirit of The Bronx. Still just a mountain boy.

Prof. Winston Callahan. Vindicated (Mad) Inventor.Better with Machines than People. Academically "Troublesome".

Gia C.M.: Practical Stage Magician. Leggy New Jersey Broad. Adjacent to The Siegel Outfit.

Cousin Clara. All American Mountain Girl. Survival Above All Else. Ain’t got no learnin’. 

[theultrablog]

Pulp Storytime #90: On Ice By Eric S. Trautmann

The Parisian stepped out of the taxi. There was supposed to be a club here, but all she saw was a desperate throng of people, police cars, chaos. She stumbled onto the curb, falling into a strong man’s arms. “Oh, pardon moi,” said Claudette, caught up in the man’s eyes. “I’m Marcus… I was just running late, but I think I found the rest of my life.” Flashback, 1926! In the Pulp Storytime offices, we were wondering… Could our 1930s heroes defeat the Chicago mob at the height of its powers? We put Eric S. Trautmann, the genius behind plenty of West End Games' hits, behind the typewriter and he came up with a doozy. Quod he: ‘We start with the two fiercest brawlers we’ve got. Tacíto Velasco, lawyer and boxer inhabited by the Jade Jaguar spirit. Add JP Diamond, ace detective with a bad case of undeath. But we need an egghead, someone with little sugar to mix with all that gunpowder… we’re bringing back a fan favorite, sister Helene Ynez. Electrical genius, woman of the cloth, trained with Einstein. Put in Devika Velyapur too. Kid millionaire, Velasco’s number one client. JP is hired by the Chicago [anti] Crime Commission. A local wise guy has been doing some killing, some bootlegging, and smuggling gems. So our group goes to reporter Eddie Stanchek… who gets whacked, with our heroes caught in the frame job. Normally, they might fight their way out… but they’re smart. Not ‘too smart to get caught’, but smart enough to take on the system… picture it, a Mexican lawyer, taking on the slimiest prosecutor in the Chi Town machine… and getting off with a mistrial! There’s also this really funny scene where the nun takes off her wimple to sneak into a cruddy smoke joint… but it’s a trap! And how does French Ynez rescue Devi from the mob? By calling in a swarm of truant officers! I guess no one in the Cosa thought to pay them off. The Moon Glow nightclub, that’s gonna be a winner. Owned by the mobsters, but the most glamorous place in town. Our gang will split up. Dressed in her civvies, the sister’ll suffer a case of mistaken identity and get a round of drinks as "Claudette". What French woman could say no? I’m sure the PI will enjoy escorting a drunk nun on a sneaking mission.

Meanwhile, Tacíto is the star of the party. He flirts with the coat check girl and gets a date, as well as the hidden location of the boss’s office. Then, while dancing, a gorgeous woman cuts in to make her palooka boyfriend jealous… when the lunk taps the lawyer on the shoulder, he spins the man around, dips him, makes him look like he has two left feet! The jamoke is laughed out of the room. This isn’t [just] a funny book though, so the danger comes back. The group makes it into boss Tony Torponi’s office… and the first thing the nun does is reach for the champagne. But it’s not cold… Because the ice in the bucket is the missing diamonds!

The detective is about to put everything together, when the mob boss and his hired assassin come in the door. The guy’s all in white, calls himself Frost, a real bad ass. (I know we already had a Chicago villain called Frost, but she had a weather control machine, completely different person.) Frost is a real-deal killer, but JP is ready, jumps in for the gun. Jaguar is a smart customer too, hitting Torponi in the throat. Unfortunately, Frost gets a shot off, and the bouncers investigate the noise. Here comes the mob. Tommy guns at close range! Detective Diamond'll get winged, but the nun is gut shot! She pulls herself together, pulls the fire alarm. Jade Jaguar uses the distraction to barrel through the button men. Our heroes flee the club into the Chicago night, gangsters on their heels… And this is the best part. The only other thing open on the block is a radio station. WXXL* is the hot ticket, and our group gives a diamond to the doorman in order to cut the line.

If you don’t know, radio was often performed for an audience, so our quartet runs into the costume room. While Velasco sews up the nun, JP finds the ultimate disguise, complete with a facemask… The Gray Gargoyle! Mafia leg breakers start to patrol the hallway, so the players duck into somewhere else… Which turns out to be the writers’ room. The Gray Gargoyle has licensed his radio show across the country, but tonight’s episode has hit a snare. This is what they have so far:

(Sound Effect: Seagulls, wind, faint sound of cars passing by) Grey Gargoyle: Give it up Rupert! You've nowhere left to run! Rupert: No, Grey Gargoyle! I've got the gun! And I've got Penelope, your sweetheart. One step closer, and I'll throw her off the bridge! Penelope: Don't listen to him, Gargoyle! Use your Tibetan Mind Break on him! He can't stop you! Rupert: Ha! The Grey Gargoyle can't do that and he knows it! He so much as twitches, and you're history! Grey Gargoyle (internal dialogue, tell Emett to use the echo effect): He's right! If I use my Gargoyle Power, he'll see me start to disappear, and then Penelope is...is...finished. And Kabir Rupert, my arch nemesis, will have beaten me!

JP suggests that the hero reveals his secret Gargoyle gas. The writing team loves it, sends them over to sound effects, where they create a passable noise with a bicycle horn and some spackle wrap. They better hurry though, Marcus, the actual actor who plays the Gargoyle might show up…

Meanwhile, Frost is getting closer, so Velasco explores the building, and finds the VIP audience section. Guess who’s a big fan of the Gargoyle? The Al Capone outfit! Our group won't know how to get close, until JP suggests Al would love to meet the lead actor. We have second until showtime, the group goes through all their evidence… Tony had betrayed the commission, screwed up a framejob, and was clearly after Capone’s money. The would-be kingpin arrives too late to argue his case, earning himself not a crown but a pair of concrete boots. Crime solved, the group has to rush to the stage. The only question left: how’ll the Mexican lawyer do on his date?’ READ ‘ON ICE’ IN OUR NEXT ISSUE! [*Not a sponsor! -Ed] Sister Helene:

[theultrablog]

This is Devika btw

I was just messing around with poses and expressions, then I thought it’s been a while since I drew Ivy 💛🌟

I was just exploring her design through sketches, then it turned into this-

edit : ALSO THANK YOU FOR 500 FOLLOWERS :D 💕

[theultrablog]

Pulp Storytime #89: Dinosaurs at the Alamo! By JC Connors

A vision of two-legged carnivores, their tongues thirstily lolled out, creeping down the stairs to this very room!

[I don’t know if I’m going to fool anyone, the adventure being titled what it is, but I hope I can add some intrigue.] Early March, 1935. Gambler Penny An’Te, farmhand Elliot McCaffrey, and detective JP Diamond were boozing it up at a San Antonio cantina. Grandpappy McCaffrey relied on strangers' kindness after the mysterious torching of his old farm. (So of course, he stuck Penny with the bill). Paps argued that letting a woman pay the tab wasn’t selfish, it was enlightened. The group, minus grandpa, decided to end the evening by sneaking into the Alamo. It was remarkably easy. Why? Thaza O’Rourke had done it first! The cat burglar raised by apes was stealing the Onyx of Oaxaca. Elliot's attempts to apprehend her broke the gem, sending everyone through a portal… And ending up in the same room, but 99 years earlier. Yes, the group was at the Alamo… mere days before the battle! Elliot, a true patriot, volunteered the group to help the Texans. An initial convoy raid revealed something fascinating: three Mexican cannons were lost in the nearby valley. If the players could recover them, it could turn the tide of the fight… into one they might, possibly, survive. And as you’ve probably guessed, the valley was a prehistoric paradise. Everywhere was evidence of dead soldiers, from 1830s patrols to early Spanish settlers from the time of King Charles V. And despite all the quartet’s skills, it was a pitched battle for survival. Thaza was an expert in overland travel. Penny was an ace shot. JP was able to repair all the broken equipment… And perhaps most importantly, Elliot was able to calm and rescue the horse teams. No horses, no way to move the huge cannons, no way to beat Santa Anna. There was a pitched battle against Utahraptors, and a fight (with oars) against a lake monster. But the most perilous was against a giant T-Rex named Duckface! JP, used to mouthing off, lured the creature out of its lair. Being semi-dead, he survived a bite from a creature with teeth the size of bowie knives. Meanwhile, Penny and Elliot snuck into the cave, loaded the cannon… and realized they didn’t have a clear shot! Thaza rolled past the creature, grabbed some vines, and swung in front of the cave entrance. She could feel the creature’s hot breath on her back… Then heard a tremendous explosion! Penny and Elliot were able to launch a cannonball right through the creature’s skull. Duckface became no face. The players took the cannons, attached the horses, and exited the valley… Arriving right next to the Alamo an hour before the battle! Detective Diamond searched the room they arrived in, finding the Onyx… Slowly filling with color. The artifact they needed to get home would only be fully formed after the siege! Even with the cannons, survival wasn’t guaranteed. Elliot gave a rousing speech, telling everyone there that they couldn’t imagine how important this fight would be in the history of Texas. The “Cannon Man” wowed the crowd, even earning the admiration of the wounded Jim Bowie. In actual history, the Battle of the Alamo was a slaughter. But with the cannons, the speech, and Thaza’s traps, it became the narrowest of victories. The Mexican dictator was routed. The players were able to get their hazard pay, grab the Onyx… And arrive back in 1935! A security guard yelled them, asking how they got past the electronic locks. By saving the Alamo, it became a much better-funded place. The players, except for Thaza, found themselves just as drunk as they were before their excursion. After sleeping it off, they returned at noon the next day to look over the exhibitions, and see how they changed history. There was a small section on The Cannon Man, and the two “deadly Texian women”. JP was unmentioned. Then, it was time to sell the historical artifacts they had pocketed. Because of course.

The Alamo: