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Pulp Storytime #117: Paraguay is for Leavers/A Cut Below!

Diamond’s latest dance partner was bigger, meaner, and holding a butcher knife.

New readers may ask: Who are you people?! Or Where did this start?

A two-in-one session today. The group (Tacito, Captain Ivanova, Aldous Bingen and JP Diamond) were hired by the other General Franco (Rafael) to help overthrow the government of his native Paraguay. Of course, border control was a bit of an issue.

Officer: “Mr. Diamond. Are you a diamond merchant? Hahaha.” Ivanova: “Some of us have been waiting for a diamond for a while.”

The country seemed to be a functional democracy, so the players dug a little deeper… And found a conspiracy. General Moringo was the handpicked replacement for the president, and the opposition were fielding a weak candidate in exchange for concessions. The interview with Moringo was going OK, until someone broke out the captain’s vodka and made it a drinking contest. The General’s spymaster was both highly competitive and a lightweight, so after a few rounds of shots, the group was able to record a confession from the general and pass it around to the newspapers. Then, they told the lesser General Franco that semi-popular, mild agricultural reform was no reason to launch a civil war. *** Josiah P Diamond was in a circle of hell. His sister-in-law, Alice, was hosting a soirée right out of Redbook. One of those magazines with a paragraph of recipe and a full-page illustration of the result. Over at the snack table, Tacito was going wild on the only edible offering, beignets. It took Aldous’s prompting to notice his courtroom rival, Edwina Sharpe, was also at the party. The Jaguar believed that everyone deserved justice, but Edwina was a Harvard-trained expert at pointing out flaws in ZSS's evidentiary technique. And somehow, that kept setting free agents of New Orlean’s biggest crime boss, the Sinister Skull. One of those crooks was Frankie “the Butcher” Bertinello, who had been stalking Alice to get JP to back off. A little digging and a back-alley confrontation revealed something interesting: some experiment had made Frankie much tougher, but would soon leave him much deader. JP arrived back at the party just in time to interrupt Edwina and Tacito's flirting. He wasn't one to ask for favors, but he admitted that he needed help solving the case and saving his annoying relative. JP knew his city, and any Louisiana detective would tell you, there’s no better place to find fixers than late night in the French Quarter. He cornered “Jinx” Jensen, but Josiah's tough guy act failed when the flat foot accidentally stepped into a rainy gutter. Tacito had the last laugh though. He had recently gotten Jinx parole instead of jail time on a weapons charge, so the crook was willing to give him a lead: the Butcher had been seen, unexpectedly, on the LSU campus. Mafia leg breakers don't usually take night classes, so that was worth digging into. On campus, the duo (formerly dead PI, sensible ex-con lawyer) were outfoxed by Miss Sharpe. She had sworn Dr. Hwang and Dr. Othon Frakes (formerly of Miskatonic University) to secrecy. Unfortunately for her, their fear of the law was less than their scientific curiosity. They would certainly help devise an antidote if the pair could return their test subject!

JP put the word out on the street, explaining “There are worse places than LSU if you want someone to teach you a lesson.”

Soon, they brought the Butcher into the lab… Where he attacked his malefactors, slashing Dr. Hwang badly! And although the Jade Jaguar was often an honorable fighter, it was his prison time that helped him get the syringe past Frankie's bulletproof skin to his vulnerable tongue. Frankie was bloody, unconscious and cured. Surely, there’s no downside to helping a classmate Herbert West… A week later, the Skull had yet to replace the invulnerable lug. JP was celebrating a party where the theme was "booze." All the party guests were delighted, Alice was furious.

Frankie Bertello created by Christopher McGlothlin, M.Ed.

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Pulp Storytime #116: GENTLEMEN, START YOUR COFFINS!

They're going for distance. They're going for greed.

New readers may ask: Who are you people?! Or Where did this start?

Millionaire Rafe Lancaster, stuntwoman Lala Santinella and cat burglar Thaza O'Rourke, all unleashed in Monaco. What could go wrong? Well, continually everything. It was Grand Prix season in the French principality, so a lot of movers and shakers were in town. Including paroled chemical-genius Henry Starkweather. He had created a new, more potent gasoline, and everyone wanted it. 'Everyone' included Asian supervillain "The Ubiquitous Dragon" and Afro-supremacist Professor Paradox. The first of which hired Thaza, the latter of which was a fellow alumnus of Rafe’s alma mater. (The Professor, real name Montavious Okwawo, got his actual doctorate there in 1930). And although Lancaster was a star in the firmament of the white power-structure, he had sold useful armaments to Paradox before. And it would violate both of their honor to betray each other, whether ‘in business’ or ‘to Interpol’. Lala was a free agent, untroubled except for taking care of her millionaire daughter and trying to win a 100-lap urban derby. Oh, and being courted by the incorrigible master of automatons, Baron Korga. So with these powers in play, the trio ping-ponged from scheme to scheme. Who had stolen the ultra fuel, and who had planted it at another team's garage? Would the undying queenpin be able to collect the reward on the Professor, who was still wanted in association with his desecration of the Lincoln Memorial? (A desecration that involved using it to attack the rest of Washington, DC!) Even the casino floor wasn't safe from chaos. Devika ran into her royal rival, Prince Arthur of Borgonia. He was still peeved at her bullying him when he was hiding out in New York City, and she thought he was a prissy crown-head. The players could barely intervene before he challenged her to a duel! Rafe and Lala, who were at loggerheads already over Devi's loyalty, managed to separate the pair. Later on though, Lala returned to the hotel suite. The door was ajar, furniture was knocked over, and there were clear signs of struggle… Leading to the back room, where Devi and the prince were making out hard. Miss Santinella wisely snuck out, not wanting to interrupt young love, or hate, or whatever it was. The next morning, the adopted mom lightly asked for an explanation.

“His nickname for me is ‘you.’ My nickname for him I can't say 'cause it's a swear word.”

Things got complicated when it turned out Baron Korga didn't have human drivers… Instead, he had a pair of racecar-mounted automata. And things got complicated-er when Starkweather, who had finally discovered his formula had been heisted, tried to buy out every official and get the cars re-weighed until the culprit was uncovered. That was the easiest problem to solve: Rafe was a master of gladhanding, and since he didn't currently have the formula, he was eager to create a fairness standard he knew his team could meet. Things were going swimmingly, until he got an urgent message from the Savior of the Sun-Loved.

“This is a non-race-related matter. Well, not really.”

Paradox needed a decoy because the Dragon wanted to kidnap him during the race. (The millionaire knew this already, because the night before, the Dragon had asked him to do it.) A few blocks away, that same queenpin was assigning the task to one of her most helpful agents, Thaza. And since they didn't have an easy way to communicate, the smuggler raised by apes had a brilliant idea … Grabbing two signal flags, she communicated with the millionaire via semaphore! Lala, by this time, had been paid big bucks to race for Rafe. Rafe, extremely busy with pre-race check-ins, still had time to warn Devi out of a toxic relationship.

“In my experience, there's no kind-of sort-of when it comes to royalty. And you shouldn’t hate someone until you’ve dated them for at least a month.”

It was bizarre, but the man who had once tried to assassinate the party was becoming something of a good influence. As the race started, the group was split. Santinella and Lancaster were battling fourteen others for pole position. Thaza was riding shotgun for a spurious kidnapping. The plan went sideways when one of Dragon’s henchmen had the brilliant idea to ransom (who they thought was) Professor Paradox back to Lancaster. Thaza, thinking quickly, broke a street light to get the Paradox squad's attention. On the track, things were just as tough. The Dragon’s team was in the lead, without even using their stolen Starkweather fuel! Rafe tried to slow them down by memorizing Team Korga’s automated racing line, and then trapping the dragon’s minions on outside corners. A few blocks away, the cat burglar got her co-kidnappers to stop the car … Just in time for the other gang to catch up. She was caught in the middle of a brawl where she didn't want to hurt either side! On the track, Rafe made a daring play. He "accidentally" ran into a fire hydrant, soaking one of the mechanical cars and causing it to go haywire. It smashed through a barricade and drove north, passing by Thaza’s street brawl. She used the distraction to grab the fake Paradox and deliver him, as promised, to the American embassy… Where eventually he would be revealed to be the wrong person. But not before she got paid by the Dragon, and paid by the USA. Lala was sad the race had been called off, but was more than willing to ‘persuade’ sleazy Euro-bookies that the team’s wagers should be returned. After some fast driving, the group used just as much fast talking to flee town, getting themselves onto the Baron’s yacht, and getting an unrefusable invite to the scenic Castle Korga… But that’s a tale for another time.

Baron Korga (created by Michael B. Lee):

[theultrablog]

Pulp Storytime #115: ROSE-COLORED CITY… OF DEATH!

“This is a very nice train,” said the Jade Jaguar, “but sometimes criminal stooges like to exit at speed. Wouldn’t happen to you, right?” A few rows away, a sheep bleated. Nobody looked up.

New readers may ask: Who are you people?! Or Where did this start?

Devika Velyapur is an amazing character to play. She started completely humble, as the secretly skilled sidekick of an incompetent master thief. But because of being in the campaign the longest, she's had achievements that knocked humility right out of her. This is most pronounced when she meets other children. Her standard friend is world-class in at least one skill set, and probably several. So when 11-year-old Anizah burst into the Cairo office and said her mother Najah was kidnapped, then immediately started pigging out on the ice cream, Devi had contempt. That all changed when the girl showed a locket of her absentee father… Rafe Lancaster?! Unfortunately, Rafe couldn't be reached due to the time difference, and the mother who could confirm paternity had been kidnapped. So Devi gathered the people she was having lunch with, and set out to solve the case and clear her mentor’s name, before another girl would be running around the Lancaster estate. We had a record this time: a fourth new player had chosen to play Sister Ynez, electrical genius nun. This was the shyest portrayal ever, but Empathy and Crafts are very useful in solving mysteries and dealing with action set pieces. Rounding out the squad were a returning Aussie journalist Trudy Truman, Tácito Uriel Velasco, and butler Aldous Bingen. When the party really gets going, they're hard to stop. The initial investigation led to Transjordan, and the archaeological site at Petra.

India's richest girl didn't like being condescended to by the country’s British administration, so the ZSS visit to the site was…unauthorized.

After Devi messed up the meeting, Trudy tried to chastise her. The millionaire bristled. “Sorry, but I'm not going to take advice from an Australian mining heiress about how colonizers should and should not be treated.”

Definitely not how Miss Velyapur would've acted when Lord Simon was around! The quintet had excellent luck in the latter half of the case. A scuffle with Bedouin tribesmen proved that hit-and-run tactics are much more effective when your side has a car. And both their infiltration of the ritual site and defeat of the erstwhile god were accomplished in four actions each. To wit:

Sister Ynez analyzed the situation.

Trudy blathered to distract the djinn-haunted host.

Tácito grabbed the man's mask, breaking the djinn's hold on him.

Devi wrapped her own protective amulet around the dazed archaeologist. Lunatic defeated! Then she strode out, her mind stonger than Petra's ghosts. (As for the paternity angle, it turns out Anizah was the daughter of Rafe's wheelchair-bound brother Andy. As an orphan, Devi felt it was her place to lecture the mom about returning to America and reuniting their family.) Humble at the start, but arrogant till the end.

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Pulp Storytime #114: THE HILLS HAVE BETTE DAVIS EYES!

“I can’t slash her, she’s about to win an Academy Award!”

New readers may ask: Who are you people?! Or Where did this start?

Sometimes you find your ride or die. Someone who will help you intimidate juvenile delinquents, stab celebrities, and help crooked cops commit suicide in the woods off Mulholland Drive. Not just a buddy. Not a partner you trust with your life. Someone who will help you commit felonies. That's Semya Ivanova and Josiah P Diamond, PI. They were in LA, along with their own paparazzo, shutterbug/sniper Javid Kulfi, and Hollywoodland butler Aldous Bingen. (This was our longest session ever, at a whopping 5 1/2 hours, so this will be the highlights version.) Javid was extremely helpful as a shootist, expert in mystic lore, and notice-r. Aldous drove like a maniac and snuck like a shadow. But it was the 1° Kelvin Russian, and her detective enabler, who took Tinseltown to task. The odd thing about the Russian: she's both inspirational and cold-hearted, an expert in provocation, and has a deep, deep roster of contacts. During the case of the missing gem (the Eye of Brahma), she called in favors with maître d's, pinko screenwriters, and even Hollywood psychic and short-time player character, Madame Valeiria! Whether it was fighting assassins in club bathrooms, or making cultists FEAR when she was tied to the sacrificial table, she played both sides of 'loved' and 'hated', whichever made sense in the moment. (JP, for his part, had his hands full punching out potential romantic rivals! He also jumped onto running boards and stopped two different runaway cars. Busy guy.) One of the more intriguing developments was revolution-vet Semya playing the ditz. Several times, she used subtle barbs to bring a millionaire to apoplectic anger, and in a Betty Boop singsong said:

“I'm very sorry, I think there was a mistranslation! Everyone thinks I’m mean just because I'm Russian, teehee.”

JP, who had seen her threaten criminals into their graves, spent a lot of time coughing politely. Mostly, he was surprised that as a Great War survivor and a hard-nosed shamus, he was the one playing Good Cop. In the end, the cops raided the house in the hills, the cursed gem was sold back to its rightful protectors, and the dirty cop got put into the same shallow grave he had used for stoolies. Klieg lights can cast some big shadows. Ride or die.

Bette herself.

[theultrablog]

Pulp Storytime #113: Shanghai Bullets by Robin D. Laws

Shanghai is a thin slice of heaven on a thick slice of hell.

New readers may ask: Who are you people?! Or Where did this start?

This adventure could be called "JP Diamond's bad idea theater.” Summoned to the 'Paris of the East' by a paranoid padre, the investigation was going perfectly well… until the players went to the Black Lotus nightclub. There, Lily Tsiao took the stage and completely enraptured 2/3 of the party, with Giulia and JP smitten… and Aldous bored. Unfortunately, Lily was dating the second-in-command of the Green Gang. She was a flirt, and neither the Italian stuntwoman nor the Louisiana detective could keep their mind far from her siren songs. The mistakes didn't end there. The players skipped investigating one of the crime scenes, opting only to talk to a witness. And while they were digging up a grave in the Yellow Mountains, a communication error led to the group absolutely walloping a gang of peasant-bandits. Back in town, JP decamped to the horse track… And soon he and Lily were neck and neck. Given the choice to leave Shanghai or die, he decided to go it alone, confronting a suspect one on one. And then lost the powerful artifact the group had recovered. Which led to the detective fleeing a demon-parasite across shanty rooftops, only escaping when the roof collapsed. Of course, Diamond was cunning when put against the wall. He told the Greens he knew one of the Red’s assassins was squatting nearby. (Coincidentally, the commie with the artifact). After that, his sentence was commuted to "stay away from my girlfriend forever and we won't kill you.” Lala noted the gangsters would store the artifact in the nightclub where they first saw Miss Tsiao. So they made friends with another performer (longtime frenemy Bebe Broussard) and decided to pretend to be her backup band. Which they did amazingly at. Too bad they used their newfound attention as a distraction to steal the artifact, leaving Bebe holding the bag, again. Then, it was time to call in every favor possible to get them, their luggage, their vehicles, and the artifact to their vault in Cairo. Was a shame to abandon Lily, but maybe they could write…

[theultrablog]

Pulp Storytime #112: AIR DEVILS OF THE SOUTH SEAS by Matt Riggsby

“So you’re not posing on an active volcano?” asked the lawyer. “The volcano can do what it wants, I’m active enough for both of us.”

New readers may ask: Who are you people?! Or Where did this start?

We had five adventurers today, and four hours of action. So, after a brief overview, I'm going to break it down by character. Things were going wrong for American-Pacific Agriculture corporation and instead of waiting by the phone, the ZSS took initiative! Solving this problem would mean great publicity, and a working vacation in Micronesia. Of course, this case would draw the ire of the deadly and possibly supernatural White Devil of the Pacific. Now that we’re properly situated: This was a Rafe Lancaster session all the way through.

He started it by evicting an orchard so he could expand a munitions factory.

“This orchard has been operating for more than 100 years!” “So?” asked the tycoon. “Means their deed’s probably bad.”

Mr. Lancaster acted very differently on vacation. Not only did he do his own flying (he's rarely the best pilot in the group), but he wore a short-sleeved Hawaiian shirt with no tie. And while he was arrogant, he came to a startling realization: his obnoxious mentee Devika was his best friend. (After he admitted this, Devi immediately demurred. She was beginning to realize it was weird to have so many adult-best-friends who weren't friends with other people! Although she didn't renounce the codependency she developed as a preteen goddess, she did ask a favor of the other four characters: please become friends with Rafe.) 1930s hipster Saeki "Zelda" Yoriko was the best friend-option. Who better to talk tech with than a guy who spent all his time creating it? As an actual detective, Saeki was responsible for investigating the crime scenes left behind by the Devils. (She was equally effective socially, with a stunt that gave her a persuasion bonus during apologies. The rest of the group made plenty of faux pas. Saeki was amazingly good at soothing whoever they offended, whether it was the harbor master or a local tribe.) Of course, General Saeki, Zelda's father, casts a large shadow. When an imperial intelligence officer raided her hotel room, she had to trade secrets without the rest of the group finding out that she was doing it, or that she had deep ties to a prime suspect, the Empire of Japan! Aldous, once a butler, has become more of a logistics specialist. He excelled at his new job, dock organizer for the American-Pacific Agriculture corporation. Of course, that didn't mean he couldn't cut loose. When the group located a smuggler vital to their investigation, he challenged the fellow to a boat race, and whooped him. Tácito played it more thoughtfully. When it was time to put clues together, he was the first to recognize them for what they were. Like when a witness claimed the white devil had an earless white skull…Instead of thinking “horrible monster”, he thought “luchador mask.” Not that the Jade Jaguar let his agility go to waste. He saved a pilot from a burning building, lowering the Great War ace down to the ground as flames whipped around them. Giovanni Barbossa Lima made time for work, posing for Christian Starker (from Gallery of Souls!), on a dormant volcano. Physical strength got him a lot further than good looks on this case: the man he flirted with, Ramón, turned out to be a major part of the crisis. And when Gio went to confront him, he got sidetracked flirting… Because he is a himbo. The physical strength did help though, when he needed to burst into a burning building, and his charm helped him convince a very large, yappy dog to follow him to safety. He then tried to nickname the dog Pepito, which nobody was buying because the dog was already named. (It was Anchor.) Together, the group figured out the conspiracy. Members of the APA were devastating local targets to try and get Uncle Sam involved. They were operating out of a forbidden island, which the fearful locals had kept off their maps. The raid was two-pronged. Lancaster and Saeki went by air, the other three by sea. It was a hard target!

To quote the module:

The base was on a slightly unusual atoll, consisting of an outer ring, an enclosed lagoon, and an inner island. The outer ring was 100 to 200 yards thick, with a diameter of about three miles. Most of it was sandy beach, but it had a thin screen of palm trees all around. The inner island had a diameter of about two miles, rising gently to a point about 50 feet above high-tide level. The lagoon was very shallow, and it was possible to wade several hundred yards into it. There were a few gaps through which a ship (or surfaced submarine) could sail. An aerial survey revealed several small buildings, a camouflaged radio tower, several floatplanes in the lagoon, and two ships: the Betty Sue Borden and Northumberland Belle. The buildings had the look of residential shacks or small storehouses rather than fortified positions.

The butler was steady as he hit the beach at 52 knots. Los Angeles traffic didn't have sea mines, but the Lomitas/Canon Dr intersection was great training. Yoriko was a hell of a tail gunner, laying down withering cover fire and chopping the radio tower in half. Rafe got to the island safely, but was tagged by surface-to-air flak. Hope he could land this thing! On the ground, the Jade Jaguar and the physical specimen took the beach. The pilots had to get to the planes, and that wasn't happening when these two had anything to say about it. Giovanni outmuscled the crooks and slammed their heads together like coconuts. Tácito fought off mercenaries with a trench shovel. Aldous, after carefully parking the boat, snuck into the building… by walking backwards. He worked for the company, so instead of creeping around, he grabbed a clipboard and looked serious. He was beyond reproach as he rifled through file cabinets for evidence. Outside, Rafe had nothing but luck to rely on… and landed perfectly. (Later, his buddies would tease him that it wasn’t a big deal because "the ocean is as big as target as you can get.”) Without their planes and munitions, the Devils’ conspiracy was over… and when the newspaper stories came and went, it would be clear who were the true daredevils of the South Seas. Of course, after the flak, Rafe and Zelda would spend the rest of their vacation fixing the plane…

[theultrablog]

Pulp Storytime #111: Nefertiti versus the mob! based on “The Doorway of Cats” by Peter Schweighofer.

“You look the opposite of hungover!” said Devi. Steel Eagle tilted his cowboy hat. “I know maybe you don’t wanna hear it, but partying is good for you.”

New readers may ask: Who are you people?! Or Where did this start?

The Irish mob does not have 50-year-old leg breakers. It's an organization where you move up steadily, or you run into problems. Thaza was ready to move up. That's why she was searching the wall safe of Italian patron Paulino Gambartzi. The rest of the party was knoshing in the next room. They (actress Lala Santinella, photographer Javid Kulfi, and Steel Eagle, the Tibetan spirit of Brooklyn) were happy to shmooze. They persuaded Paulino to ignore Brooks Belasco and not revive No, No, Nanette, and made him swear to look for a new play. Thaza’s burglary showed Gambartzi was spreading his money a bit too freely, funding some unsavory factions (unsavory in the eyes of Clan O’Rourke, anyway). This gave her an idea… She could clean up Cairo for the family, and get the party to help. The ZSS was smarter than she gave them credit for. They figured out the plan, but because it involved exclusively going after black market smugglers, they agreed provisionally. But there was no way they were going to confront kingpin Zahir Adwani without a gift. So they spent a lot of time and effort making a pecan pie. They were very excited to give this pie, with the minor setback that Adwani was dead (ears cut off, his nose removed, his stomach impaled). Thaza decided to go through his safe, a very profitable endeavor; she looted a solid gold bar with a Nazi insignia and some illegal grenades. Lala distracted a nearby police patrol by offering them the pie… and Steel Eagle distracted the shop boy, who was returning with firewood.

“Who are you, mister?” “I'm Steel Eagle from the Bronx, New York City, America.”

Hard to say you're not involved in a crime when you say your full name to witnesses! Back at base, Professor Callahan was peeved to see the group. He thought he would use the Cairo base for privacy. He had a lead though, that the social types might like: there was going to be a huge party, held by art snobs and blue bloods just north of the city. Not that he would go … Unless they invited him, or even if they didn't. The group mollified the police (mostly through haranguing) and put on their best clothes, excited for the shindig.

From the module:

The host’s secluded home consists of a walled estate with several gardens surrounding a modest but well-appointed house. The public rooms contain a quaint mix of ancient Egyptian and Islamic artwork. The servants have set up one parlor for refreshments while the library contains several comfortable chairs surrounding a central pedestal upon which sits the figurine of Isis and the infant Horus. A small crowd of interested people from Cairo’s upper society gathers for cocktails before the auction.

There were a few familiar faces, including Stavros “the Bull” Papadopoulos. The Turkish smuggler decided to pick on the wimpy Callahan, much to the delight of the rest of the party! The Brit barely kept from crying as his hand was crushed in the grip of the former wrestler. Some social interactions went better. Steel Eagle partied hard with Ernest Hemingway. And Lala was wooed by the mysterious, cape-wearing Count Vladimir Korga. The actress looked into the eyes of the white Russian and asked what he wanted at the party.

“You.”

How dreamy! Unfortunately, she had to rush to another room, where her adopted daughter Devika was bidding like a maniac. She stood up to the 13-year-old, telling her that buying things she didn't want was classic spoiled behavior. Meanwhile, Thaza stole the priceless necklace off Georgette de Crussel, the Duchess d'Uzes. Because Devi stopped bidding, the auction was won by Stavros. He didn't have long to celebrate though, since he was in a car accident an hour later that cost him his nose, ears, and life. And guess who he was last seen arguing with? Professor Callahan of course!

The rest of the case went a bit better. The artifacts were being taken from a nearby tomb by an incompetent group of childhood friends, led by locals Hanna and Giram. Someone tried to run the gang down in an alley (only the clumsy Callahan was hit). The group headed into the tomb. Callahan and Giram agreed to watch the car, which everyone agreed should be parked far away. Unfortunately, that meant they didn't catch the perpetrators who caved in the entrance tunnel! Thaza, after making sure the chambers didn't have any traps, blew up a plaster wall with (stolen) grenades. The medjays behind the killings might've been prepared for criminals… But they stood no chance against a professional stunt driver and a sniper. Thaza could barely get into position before the fight was over. --- Back in the states, Naomi O'Rourke was more than impressed.

“An entire underworld taken over in less than two weeks. You ain’t no gam.”

Uptown, the Cotton Club was jumping. Paulino Gambartzi had a brilliant idea, an All-Star winner. He could pay a lot of money to Javid and Lala to help. The Gray Gargoyle musical!

[theultrablog]

Pulp Storytime #110: Stretch and pan!

I’m not bad...

New readers may ask: Who are you people?! Or Where did this start?

Another week, another great guest star. The group (Devika, Lala, and Rafe Lancaster) were dining at the Brown Derby with a man who felt the need to introduce himself to the waiter.

"Who am I? Teoslav Małgorzo, Europe's Greatest Painter!"

Sadly, the Brown Derby didn't have adequate security. The four diners were interrupted by someone who claimed to be an old show business friend of Lala’s, the truly insufferable Ernie Cohen. His cousin, former animation kingpin George W Cohen, went missing. In Atlantic City. Months ago. And he wanted to hire the detective agency, not that he had a lot of money, or any money at all, and he didn’t have a picture, just George’s self-portrait. But family was important.

“Not important enough to hire detectives back when you had money,” said Devi, trying to signal for the doorman.

The quartet finally agreed to take the case, if only to shut Ernie up. Rafe and Lala were squabbling over dessert, so nobody made an effort to stop the bouncer from bouncing the still-talking balaganer client off of Wilshire Boulevard. (Our beloved heroes were smart enough to get the address of the studio and Ernie's contact information before having him ejected. but it's worth reiterating how annoying this guy was.) Over in Atlantic City, the studio was… disgusting. Food was rotting in plain sight, dust and grime covered everything. Devi and the mother-she-adopted searched filing cabinets for clues. There were a few leads about financial information, ones that would be difficult to follow up with considering how long ago the company had gone bankrupt. Of course, when you're millionaire industrialist Rafe Lancaster, rules are really more of a starting point. He suggested that they go to the bank, talk investments with the manager, and mention casually that they wanted to follow up on an old friend. This plan went swimmingly, with Devi acting as the super-eager mentee, while Mr. Lancaster leaned back and glowered wealthily. It turned out George was part owner of a roadhouse 20 miles south of the city. The gang called Ernie (whose mother picked up the phone), filled him in on the details, and got some background … And enough confidence to drive to the middle of nowhere, New Jersey. The roadhouse was nearly empty and freezing. The bartender, the only person around, earned the gang’s suspicions. Apparently he had thin noodle arms underneath his coat… And when Lancaster offered thousands of dollars to buy it, the man fled into the back room and punched the pursuing Teoslav in the face with a 10' long arm! The creature seemed to have animated hands, but the fearsome foursome responded with mental pressure. Lala used some harsh words in a Betty Boop voice, Devi filtered her mystic gaze through some dirty shot glasses, and Rafe used his specialty: money.

“You only have five dollars in the register. I know you will bend and stoop to get even one of my platinum cufflinks. Stop fighting, and get paid.”

The barkeep broke under the pressure, throwing off his coat and revealing that he had eight spidery limbs. Before the crew could investigate further, he tossed down a black circle and dove through! Lala tried to go through after him, but it was just a stain on the floor. A search of the roadhouse led the gang toward a nearby hobo camp. But instead of a typical man camp, the woods contained an idyllic clearing! The place was gorgeous and animated. Wait a minute, animated? Yep, there was an entire technicolor town with rubber-hose buildings that bounced to the beat! And at the center of the town was the Pen ‘n Ink Club! The only entrance was a big steel door, and while the gang had some clever ideas ( like editing the marquee so their names were on it), the only technique that worked was name-dropping.

"Don't know who I am? I am Teoslav Małgorzo, Poland’s defender of the Avante Garde!”

The heavy steel door opened. Now, Teo was an accomplished satirist. To distract the doorman, who was in this case an 8' tall gorilla, he snuck to the nosebleed section of the club and drew a very rude picture. Then, the Polish Painter returned to the front and demanded a refund for being put in the "vulgar gorilla doodle" section, distracting the ape long enough to let the other three in. The club had a great show, with magic and dancers, but the finale was something else. The star was a spitting image of the guy the heroes were here to rescue … Except with red skin and devil horns! Old Scratch ended the show and came over to the table, but refused to identify as the person in George’s self-portrait. Teo pounced.

“That's good, because whoever drew this was an ignoramus with no idea of line, weight, structure, an imbecile unworthy to hold a pencil.”

Somehow, the demon turned even redder. He was about to call on furious hellfire… When Lala asked him to dance. The lonely host agreed! (When battling cartoons, use cartoon logic.) Rafe and Teo used the opportunity to destroy a suspicious backstage device, ending animation’s domination and returning the clearing to a sad hobo camp in New Jersey. The illustrator, despondent, looked up at the Pole. “You ruined everything! Who are you?”

"My name is Teoslav Małgorzo, Europe's Greatest Painter!"

A picture of the artist:

[theultrablog]

Pulp Storytime #109: Angola Momentum!

“If it’s not the bugs, it’s the feckin’ leopards,” complained the Scot. Her Soviet companion laughed. “This coming from a woman so pale she should put on moonblock.”

New readers may ask: Who are you people?! Or Where did this start?

Diamang is one of Portugal's great diamond companies, and their office in Angola is a shining star. So when they invited members of the Ziegler Security Service, they splurged: a limousine at the airport, with a literal red carpet to lead them to the boardroom. They were not expecting Marilyn Moriarti, an angry Scottish veteran spy. They might've been pleased by the presence of Aldous Bingen, diplomatic and charming butler. And they were downright pissed to see the third member: Captain Semya Ivanova. Still, the board played nice, convincing the trio that this was a 'labor dispute with mystical misunderstandings', and not an effort to get more work from their slave laborers. The mission started relatively well. The commie Captain led the group through a few days of jungle exploration, with only one attempted (and failed) mauling-by-panther. Unfortunately for Diamang, the jig was up when the group discovered that the laborers were uncompensated and the head overseer, Eugenio, bragged about the blood on his whip. Marilyn, not a fan of bullies, gave him a stiff jab to the kisser. G'night, Eugenio. The natives were led by a shaman, but our heroes won her over. That night, she brought them deep into the mine, where with the help of some dynamite, they discovered a passage to a hidden shrine. Ivanova, tremendously gifted in languages, saw an incantation that would summon a spirit to slay all the non-native pilferers of the country’s wealth. (Mr. Bingen asked if that would include them, because they were paid in escrow by the Portuguese.) The Captain wouldn’t raise a finger to save imperialist swine, but the other two persuaded the shaman the spell was a bad idea. The Angolan stormed out of the tunnel …and was shot in the head. It turned out Eugenio wanted revenge! But in a moment of brilliance, Marilyn convinced the overseers that the group had infiltrated the workers as part of a scheme. And now that the shaman was dead, the workers were going to revolt, so all the colonizers should leave the camp ASAP. They did! With no countervailing social forces, the Captain organized the mine into a Communist cooperative. They had the product; the company would have to meet their terms. The following negotiations were intense. The group used everything, including the death of the shaman, to chisel the corp. It was tough… But a deal was hammered out. And the pièce de résistance was yet to come.

The Scot smirked. “Now that you've signed here, we have fulfilled the contract and restored service to the mine. We are excited to receive payment for fulfilling our original obligation.”

The players were ready to leave when they had a thought. Who were the diamonds for? They uncovered duplicity, and trade with Fascist Spain. Diamang was dealing with Francisco Franco^!

“The Fascists want to use the diamonds for a giant laser?" asked the Captain. "That laser would be better used for the peoples’ liberation!”

Because what greater trade partner for a Communist diamond mine than the Soviet Union? There was a lot of kerfuffle, duplicity, disguises, altered manifests, and dock surveillance regarding the diamond shipment, creating a stalemate… until Aldous, in the dead of night, took the shipment and snuck it onto the ZSS plane. Mission complete. Captain Ivanova has another win, keeping the security company, the people, and her Soviet overseers satisfied. Marilyn, paid twice, put a down payment on a new house. ^Franco hasn't been more than alluded to in several years of playing time. He chased the players when they were in Tenerife, also in Africa, but hasn't appeared on screen! Edinburgh:

[theultrablog]

Pulp Storytime #108: THE DEVIL’S CHALICE by Paul W-W Williams

”It would be easy. We actually have some prints in the plane.” Lala said. “Please do not commit film piracy in front of my lawyer.”

New readers may ask: Who are you people?! Or Where did this start?

Do you ever wonder who poses for the cover of pulp novels? It turns out it's Giovanni Barbosa-Lima, the latest and brawniest adventurer so far! He was in Boston, meeting with his buddy Giula “Lala” Santinella. They met up with three other stalwarts: lawyer Tácito Uriel Velasco, millionaire industrialist Rafe Lancaster, and sneaky butler Aldous Bingen. It was late October, and a spooky story was dominating the headlines: an abandoned ship crashed into Boston Harbor, with the captain dead and lashed to the wheel! The players bartered with a hobo for information, with Rafe breaking a five in front of the 'bo before paying him off. Apparently a hairy man and a giant were-bat had fled the vehicle right before it crashed. As they were headed back to the hotel, they saw a nebbish professor being dragged into a convertible by thugs. And instead of giving chase, the butler and the millionaire had a "no you" for who was going to drive Rafe’s 1935 Phaeton.

Luckily, the lawyer had a roadmap and was able to guide the group to cut off the kidnappers. Rafe pulled up alongside the other car…at which point Giovanni, man of muscle, grabbed the vehicle and held it in place while Bingen encouraged the professor to jump over! He did, just in time for the industrialist to swerve and send the ne'er-do-wells into an apple cart. The professor was named Tomic Iordanescu, and he was a specialist in Eastern European folklore. He had been waiting for a package from the crashed ship, and his capture couldn't be a coincidence. Without any other clues, the players rowed out to the stranded vessel, eager to get its clues before the villains could. The steamer was already listing when the five arrived, and while they found some evidence (like the fact all crew members had been drained of blood and had puncture wounds on their necks), the shoddily repaired vessel began to capsize! Rafe used his knowledge of engineering to create a mental map of the boat, and relied on Giovanni's sharp senses to navigate him through the darkness. Above deck, Tácito slipped and barely grasped onto the railing, forcing the smaller Bingen to try and pull him up. He did… then lost balance himself, falling to a lower deck and barely clinging on. As an extremely prudent person, he couldn't muster the audacity to yell and alert others to his position. Jade Jaguar Tácito had to scramble down himself. The two were about to fall into the icy harbor when La La appeared beneath them, rowing hard in the rescue boat! The group, saved, watched in horror as the SS Dimitri sank beneath the waves. There was other lunacy in Boston. The sole survivor of the ship had gone mad, and was biting people, convinced he was a vampire. The group beat him up and wrestled him to the ground… And when he promised to behave, Rafe antagonized the man so hard that the "vamp" bit his neck! Not deadly, but certainly painful. After putting the clues together, the players were off to the home of the undead… Romania!

Their research led them to a monastery north of Bucharest, but first, Lala decided to stop by a public library… and accidentally but quite stubbornly, tried to start a sideline in international motion picture distribution. It turns out selling films was still hard…even if you have a library card. The players weren't welcomed at the monastery, until the monks got a load of Giovanni. As ascetics, they had never seen someone with muscles upon muscles. They were happy to help as long as they could draw him. Under the "grave" of Vlad Tepes III was a scroll that led to a golden-handled sword which was found in a foggy graveyard*. Tired of painful horse-and-buggy rides through the countryside, the players elected to land their DC-3 as close as possible to Dracula’s castle, forming a runway out of damp mud and determination. Devika, owner of the jet, did not want to go and traipse around in the muck to get bitten by a “tuxedo-wearing freak”, and elected to stay with the vehicle.

It turns out the monster the group was after was Colonel Drakkenheim of Stuttgart. Thanks to the himbo Barbosa, the group was found sneaking and put in a death trap. The horrifying machine was designed to suck their blood dry and concentrate their suffering. The Nazi commander would go to Dracula’s throne room and drink the blood out of the Devil’s Chalice, giving himself immortality! But he hadn’t counted on a male model. Giovanni had muscles in places most people didn't have places, and he was able to pop the medical restraints with powerful flexing! The group freed each other with alacrity. They went so fast, though, all of them got their own blood sprayed on their clothing...Tacito and Gio took out the baffled guards.

Rafe Lancaster had a few moments to examine the machine. Drakkenheim was going to drink the mixture… But that meant anything that went through the tube would end up in the final mix. The group took a few minutes to 'despoil' the tincture. Above, the colonel gloated and gloated about his plan. How he had used a special needle glove to siphon the blood of the sailors, making the ship crash evoke Bram Stoker. The players arrived, and still he monologued, how he had…

“Just drink the thing already!” yelled Rafe.

The villain did… But instead of a glorious vampyr, he was turned into a pulsing blood beast! He screamed in semi-solid fury, vowing revenge on everyone around him! This was just what the Jade Jaguar was waiting for. The cursed goblet had turned the Nazi into a supernatural being, the kind especially susceptible to Mexican Brujo boxing. Giovanni proved himself a great addition to the group, when he took Dracula’s throne and threw it through the oozing monster! The creature was a furious, lamprey-mouthed beast. It took every ounce of luck the players had to survive until Giovanni came up with a simple solution.

“What if I hit him in the face with this medical tray? Really, really hard over and over?”

The throne room, once a symbol of medieval elegance, looked like a strawberry milkshake. Our heroes didn't have much time to gloat themselves, as Nazi reinforcements were swarming the castle. Lala shot out the stained glass window, leading a group-rappel down the castle walls. After that, they still had a mile’s hike through the Romanian wilderness, when they ran into the last obstacle.

“You are not getting on my plane covered in blood!”

The Beast:

[theultrablog]

Pulp Storytime #107: Mayhem at the Manor!

The Fairweathers were, ideally, more than friends.

New readers may ask: Who are you people?! Or Where did this start?

Rafe Lancaster had a new mansion upstate, and there was only a minor problem: a haunting. A minor haunting. Something his mentee Devika and her pals could solve over dinner. Technically after, because chocolate mousse was followed by a séance. One hosted by, and this was a complete coincidence, gorgeous twins that Rafe was flirting with.

The manor’s unholy entity overwhelmed the Fairweather sisters, but Miss Velyapur was able to contain it. The next step was easy, and not based on what would be the most fun: sneaking into the local historical society! It turned out the mansion was previously owned by a piece of trash demonologist. But why ghosts?

Secrets smuggling tunnels were another part of the mystery. The group got the drop on the local gangsters, with Professor Hazoul taking one out with a single well-placed kidney punch. The former goddess of the Red Jasmine Cult helped with two others, including a giant bruiser who looked like Rondo Haddon. Unfortunately, their blood activated a sigil, summoning a pit demon! Luckily, the goddess was more than ready for this, and as Mr. Bingen swept up the summoning circle, and sent the creature back to hell. Questioning the gangsters revealed the plan: Dutch Schultz and his associate had used the previous owner as a mark, and were burying stolen gold on the property. They faked a haunting which turned out to be real. And they would've gotten away with it… Except for the two professors, the butler, and the 13-year-old. Callahan, believing the story, immediately went to the garage to build a metal detector. That's upstate for you.

[theultrablog]

Pulp Storytime #106: The night I died. By Robin D Laws.

Sleepwalking, apes, and a Halloween who-dunnit!

New readers may ask: Who are you people?! Or Where did this start?

October 30, down in Nawlins. Lala Santinella has an uncommon problem. Her daughter Devi’s orphanage is hemorrhaging money. Despite getting the location for free (it was the former home of self-destructive vigilante The Penitent), the place had ten children and two French chefs. Silver candlesticks, caviar… A bit upscale for a charity.

JP Diamond, hometown detective, was achieving greatness with his girlfriend Captain Ivanova… until he disrupted the afterglow to question her loyalty. And worse, she decided to storm out and crash on his sister-in-law’s couch. So he had two women mad at him. Elsewhere in town, Thaza O’Rourke decided to steal a pocket watch from a visiting Arabian prince… and as an ex-con, the suspicion fell on the Jade Jaguar, Tácito Uriel Velasco.

Oh, and there was a case! Kent DeWitt, society swell, was worried that his fiancée had gone around the bend. The players visited fiancée Therese, who she said was perfectly fine.

Just ask her housekeeper, Mrs. Boutelle. The group was suspicious, but overplayed their hand and were asked to leave. Thaza, the cat burglar raised by apes, decided to case the appt. And soon enough, Therese was sleepwalking through the New Orleans fog. Not the safest move…Luckily, her criminal guardian angel was able to guide her away from some French Quarter muggers! Therese arrived at her destination, still unconscious… the local zoo?! The sleepwalking woman had a one-way conversation with an entity she called Queen Nitocris, requesting more time. Thaza watched warily as the walker woke, shadowing her home and preventing further mishaps. The next day was just as rife with incident. The group investigated a Pickman exhibition at a local gallery. There, they found Therese had been associated with society matron Juanetta Crane. But when they tried to visit Crane, her street was filled with a jazz funeral. Oddly, Crane had given all her money to something called the Anthropos Foundation. The group needed a way to get Therese alone, so they invited her to a fundraising holiday party at the orphanage. They confronted her, and she shared the horrible truth.

“I’m dead!” cried the woman. “Not the best feeling in the world,” agreed Diamond.

She had been in a car accident six weeks ago, but her soul was pulled back into her body because of Kent’s love. If the group would break up her engagement, she could pass on to heaven and he could move on. Until then, they were cursed, and would suffer for knowing she malingered between realms.

The group considered this, until the Mexican lawyer made a counterpoint. “It’s not our duty to believe suspects and then secretly do what they want.”

The ZSS foursome decided to visit an Anthropos Foundation open house. Of course, they needed disguises, so it was time for Halloween costumes! JP, who had patched things up with his girlfriend, decided to go as a parrot and dress his pet parrot up as himself. Tango was mostly OK with this, but kept chewing on her tie. Tacito, picking up on an Egyptian theme to the case, decided to disguise himself as a mummy. Lala wore a Mina Harker stunt-double costume, and Thaza was the Headless Horseman. Awkwardly, the Anthropos mixer was not a costume party. Still, the group got the lay of the land: a collection of society folks were here, hoping to have leader Trey Natal solve their spiritual problems. (The most amusing problem was Lorna Geary, who claimed the spirits made her unlucky in love… as she successfully flirted with Tacito and Thaza.) There was a boring speech, and the group learned that the society wasn’t founded on magic… Simply flim-flam, rewriting wills, and hypnotism! But that meant that Therese was… Sleepwalking into the local zoo! Lala put all her driving skill to use, roaring through the fog like a banshee. The group arrived just in time to stop poor hypnotized Therese from opening the leopard cage! Thaza freed the local apes, demanding they follow her instructions. Unfortunately, they were very distracted, stopping the cassowaries from clawing them to pieces! The group confronted the crooked zookeeper who worked for Trey, but quickly realized there was little to be gained by fighting wild animals. Instead, they went to the police, making one of the weirder reports of the night. After that chaos, Teresa wanted to return home. The gang insisted on protecting her from vengeful criminals, and she was safe in her room… until Mrs. Boutelle gave a command.

“Plummet.”

The brainwashed girl dove for the street, only to be saved by Thaza! The ‘Horseman’ swung on a strand of Halloween lights, saving Therese. Lala tackled the old woman, who was secretly Trey’s mother and a vital part of the conspiracy. It was solution time. Kent and Therese agreed to be wed immediately, taking their honeymoon “anywhere but New Orleans.” Thaza reluctantly cleared Tacito’s name. Captain Ivanova used Tango the parrot’s ability to repeat speech to guilt her boyfriend.

Lala, having fired one of the chefs, made a sensible fruit-and-oatmeal breakfast for the orphans.

[theultrablog]

Pulp Storytime #105: You couldn’t planet!

“I’m kind of impressed,” said Florence, “that you have a child-sized cosmonaut suit.” “It was originally for dog.”

New readers may ask: Who are you people?! Or Where did this start?

The Soviet Union was good at many things. Charm, not so much. So Captain Ivanova ‘volunteered’ her most social compatriots: Devika Velyapur, Florence Zee, and for security, the Tibetan spirit of the Bronx, Gyatso Tsering (and also one of the less popular Russian scientists) for stellar diplomacy. This was one of the rare times where Florence and Devi got to team up. India’s richest girl had a lot of friends, but her absolute bestie was the Australian chanteuse twice her age.

“And it’s mutual, right Florence?” “I mean, you’re certainly my best friend on this rocket.”

The Martians’ idea of Earth had been skewed by too many radio serials, to the point where the ruling sorority disguised themselves as unruly Earth vixens. The temptresses described the situation. Martian society was split on the human issue, and a large faction wanted a planetary embargo. Inter-planet etiquette was an obstacle. A bigger one revealed itself immediately.

The city’s giant protector robots were malfunctioning, terrorizing the populace. Perhaps the Terrans could help out? The group hit the streets, discovering that the robo-golems weren’t badly programmed, they were sabotaged! The trio (plus scientist Vasily) snuck into the city’s power core, where the red rebel leader was hiding. Devi and Steel Eagle tried the rough stuff. Florence won the man over with song. Her improvised Martian music evoked the rebel’s childhood nursery rhymes. (She was aiming for something more sophisticated, but what are you gonna do?) He was sorry he had false-flagged the Earthers… and he really wished that it could be undone. Despite his change of heart, the robots were still designed to smash, especially non-Martian materials...Materials that might include the escape rocket! Driver Devi kicked up dust, routing the pursuing bots into inactive sentries. The problem was manageable… until they saw the two biggest robots tearing across the planet’s surface. One was defeated by Steel Eagle’s all-American gunplay. The remaining one responded by growing even larger! Florence sacrificed her remaining diplomatic gifts. She broke an entire bottle of Chanel N°5 on the rocks, distracting the robot long enough for Devi to ramp off an outcropping onto its back. The little thief unscrewed an entrance hatch, dropping the ladder for Gyatso.

“Let’s get him, Vicky. This guy never should’ve messed with Earth, home of the Bronx!”

The two began smashing at wires and control panels. As Florence continued hurling souvenirs, the living weapon tried to shake them loose. Eagle nearly flew over a railing before grabbing onto the ladder. Devi, sweaty and panicking, came up with an idea. She found the robot’s walking mechanism… and had Eagle break the reverse gear. As they escaped, the creature walked towards the nearby mountains… And kept walking into them, until it ran out of batteries. Still, a lot more intimidating than Smokebot. With Mars saved, the rebels reluctantly agreed that sometimes some Earthlings could be good, maybe. Florence and the scientist Vasily convinced the Soviets that the red planet was a dangerous backwater, not worth exploring or opening diplomatic relations with. Afterwards, the group wanted to be as far as possible from the 4th rock from the sun. It was time for a party weekend in the least Mars place ever: foggy London towne.

[theultrablog]

Pulp Storytime #104: Vienna waits for no one!

"I will avenge my brother’s death!" screamed the younger Unger. His forehead turned crimson when the tampon hit him in the face.

New readers may ask: Who are you people?! Or Where did this start?

Odd jobs are part of life when you run an international security service. So when a descendant of Napoleon sends you to help her mentor, Sigmund Freud, you jump on the Orient Express and do it. Of course, the Express goes from Paris to Vienna via Munich. And if you’re a hated foe of the Reich, it’s best to handle all your problems nonviolently. Even if confronted by the brother of the megalomaniac your company killed last week. Then, you should work as a group. Captain Ivanova hit the officer with a feminine product, Thaza stole his pistol, and Aldous pointed out a flaw in the man’s psychology (a combination of corpulence and cowardice). JP Diamond invited him to take a swing… making sure to guide the man’s fist into an electric table lamp. The German spent the rest of the journey recovering in his room. *** Austria 1935 was an intriguing, fascist place. The ruling Vaterländische Front was anti everything: communism, Nazism, capitalism… they liked Austria, Catholicism, and that was about it. Of course, the quartet arrived on the anniversary of a failed coup. The streets were busy as they went to the Central Café, hoping to meet their elderly contact, the father of psychology. There was a huge campaign event nearby, and Captain Ivanova couldn’t help herself from offering a few words, demanding that the state work harder against Nazi infiltration. For example, the SS officer holed up at the local hospital. Her yelling was successful, earning her praise from the crowd, which was awkward because she wanted to discreetly return to the team’s mission. Also painful was a series of migraine headaches people had been experiencing in the city. Allegedly, they were gas leaks, but JP’s investigations turned up nothing of the sort. And the gas workers’ union, many of whom were communists, confirmed that the leaks were just a government excuse. Who exactly was putting all the weird glass devices with antennas on the telephone poles? That would have to wait. It was Freud time. The mission to recruit Sigmund went well, aided by the charisma of Tango, JP's parrot.

There was a complication as the group exited the café… A local gang of toughs was following them, and a sniper tried to take off Freud’s head. Thaza sprang into action, scampering up the side of a building towards the source of the shot. Bingen, unobtrusive butler, shooed a flock of pigeons. The flapping birds created more cover for civilians. The captain, master provocateur, grabbed an umbrella from the café and drew the sniper’s fire. The umbrella was a wise move: whoever was firing put a metal slug through it, inches from the Russian’s torso. The street punks clobbered Josiah P. Diamond as he tried to escort the 79-year-old Austrian neurologist. He weathered the blows, getting a few bruises but no lasting damage. [They needed to re-roll an attack, though, and when you do that in Fate, you have to invoke an aspect… And theirs was “local communist thugs”.] The captain doubled back, drawing on her name recognition as an inspirational Soviet explorer.

“I don’t care how communist you all are, keep your hands off my boyfriend!”

Thaza cut a nationalist banner and swung into the sniper’s window… only to find the room abandoned. She dashed down the hall, and heard broken glass from her right, diving down… But when she got to street level, there was only a brick. The shooter had used it as a distraction and snuck through the rally. The police and military showed up, and the heroes made themselves scarce. *** Resistance HQ was in an iron nail factory. They were the ones who had hired the ZSS. And they needed Dr. Freud for a very special patient… One kept under strict military lockdown at the Wien-Aspern airfield.

“That is not how psychology works!” protested Freud. “It can take weeks, months, years of sessions to understand pathology.” “That’s fine,” said the Russian explorer. “We had someone who was a valet in Hollywood, he’s probably just as good as you are.” “How dare you! I am as good a judge of character as any soul from the land of illusion. I’ll do it.” He extended a hand, which she shook. A few seconds later, Semya whispered to JP. “I guess he’s not the father of reverse psychology.”

The cops stormed the base...The resistance had a rat! The group's leader wanted to shoot the man, but Thaza was more practical. “There’s a lot of nails here, and I bet we can find some explosives…” Then, chaos. The police threw tear gas into the windows: Bingen returned the canisters with a Jai Alai paddle. A skylight broke, and someone lassoed Freud from above. The cat-burglar-raised-by-apes cut him free, and replaced him on the line with the nail-bomb-wearing traitor. The results were gory.

The group fled to safety. They joined the local communist faction on a river barge, led by russian spy Alexander Bauer. Introductions were made, and plans were hatched. It turned out the captain knew absolutely anyone who was anyone at the airport-turned-military-base. There was a brief infiltration, and the group found themselves in the bowels of the base. But the person who needed "analysis" wasn’t a child or test subject… It was far stranger. Backwards, bilateral hands. Two faces, the ability to scuttle across ceilings. Despite advice, Dr. Freud made contact with the thing… And dove into its alien mind. The government was torturing it, using it as a weapon and building amplifiers all over the country. Hence all the headaches in the capital! But it was a peaceful creature. It just needed extraction to its saucer, which was being held in Hangar Three. Of course, there were some obstacles, like the Austrian security forces. And a smoking robot called Smokebot (defeated by unplugging it).

Most obnoxious was the sniper, who luckily chose JP as her target. She put a 7.62 mm bullet right through his chest cavity… to little effect. Thank the mad scientists of Marshall College! Semya responded to the sniper with a very rude gesture, infuriating the woman. Bingen, butler to the stars, used himself as a psychic conduit to focus the alien creature’s power, sending the opposition flying. Things were ace, until fellow traveler Bauer wanted to hijack the spaceship to the forbidden Science City Eight*. Thaza O’Rourke knew where her bread was buttered. She distracted the commie, allowing the creature to return to its people, and her to get paid. Unfortunately, everyone returned to their home, which left JP no time to share his name for the case, “Tell me about your mothership.”

*Much creeper than #1-7, used for diabolic experiments.

[theultrablog]

Pulp Storytime #103: Isle Have My Revenge!

Based on Indiana Jones and the Sword in the Stone by Ken Cliffe, Greg Farshtey, and/or Teeuwynn Woodruff.

Attention Tinseltown! The sky is dark because all the stars are at the premiere of FEAR THE BLACK PHARAOH!

New readers may ask: Who are you people?! Or Where did this start?

This movie, based on #94: Empire of the Black Pharaoh, was the talk of the town. Grauman’s Egyptian Theater was the home of the first ever movie premiere, Robin Hood, in 1922. So there was no better place for a glorious gala than right on Hollywood Boulevard. This week’s foursome was an especially humble one. The only one who even bothered to talk to reporters was stuntwoman Giula “Lala” Santinella. Staying out of the spotlight was a specialty for professional butler Aldous Bingen; battling lawyer Tacíto kept his head down, and stodgy Briton Kabir Rupert didn’t see what all the fuss was about. The movie proceeded apace, with mystery, romance, and wisecracks… Until twenty minutes in, when the film started playing backwards. The group investigated, and their fears were vindicated when they went to the forecourt. Standing amid the faux Egyptian splendor was the very real Black Pharaoh, and his squads of hired lancers! Kabir, who lingered in the lobby, was ambushed by El Principe Del Inframundo. The demonic luchador countered Kab’s judo with a head scissors, sending the Brit face-first into the popcorn machine. Outside, Bingen used his decathlon skills to confuse the horses, Tacito traded punches, and Lala tried a new approach… networking! She promised the “infantry” if they stopped fighting, she would introduce them to her agent. It worked. The Black Pharaoh whirled around with his khopesh, but couldn’t get around the panicking ponies. He snuck into the lobby, threatening passersby under a cardboard standee of his likeness. He was crowing about his inevitable victory when Tacíto hit him with the running punch so hard it knocked him, KO’d, into a nearby sarcophagus. There’s gotta be an easier way to get into Variety. *** The players headed to someplace the opposite of Los Angeles: sunny, warm, friendly rural England. Tacíto U. Velasco had a client with an urgent situation. His father was going to pass away soon, but his sister needed to be present for the will to be executed. Could the adventurers find her? Of course, the client (Reginald Hartsworth) had an awkward relationship with Kabir. Years ago, the bureaucrat had a crush on Reggie’s sister. The mystery led the group all over Albion, from Hadrian’s Wall to a cannery in Dorset. There, they fell into a Nazi ambush, led by Colonel Clemens Unger. He, an ace Heidelberg duelist, was assigned to find Excalibur. And for his service, he had already been given a legendary sword. As Devi explained:

“Tyrfing, a sword with a hilt and grip of gold. It will never rust or fail and pierces iron like cloth, and always makes its master victorious. It is the death of a man every time it is drawn. Come on, goddesses have to know this stuff.”

Unger respected the audacity of the players, but they were sworn enemies of the Reich, and had to die. No hard feelings. To that end, he gassed the group (including Reginald and Elizabeth) and tied them to the posts under the pier at high tide. The group was imperiled, panicking, and barely managed to escape by shearing the ropes with sharp barnacles and bribing nearby dockworkers to bring rowboats around. (When it came time to pay, everyone’s checkbooks had ‘unfortunately fallen into the ocean’.) Elizabeth was impressed with Bingen’s bravery, earning Kabir’s subtle consternation. Devi asked him, in Hindi, if this was the ‘Betty’ he was always going on about.

“Yup.”

While sneaking into a Nazi archaeological site, the players made a shocking discovery. The person giving the Germans political cover? The recently abdicated King Edward the Eighth! The royal, long rumored to be a sympathizer, was actually a collaborator!

Unfortunately, scumbag Reggie made a deal with the Reich, betraying the players once they found Excalibur’s resting place. Whoever wanted the blade had to enter a cave of trials, one that would test them on the courtly love that Elizabeth was always talking/blathering about. And… Every single player failed. The Mexican lawyer, when asked to think of his true love, didn’t have one. Lala, forced to pick between images of Devika and Penny, couldn’t decide. No one even reached the third of the three trials, because both Aldous and Kabir picked duty over love. The players found themselves on a rainy hillside, all of them disoriented, none of them wielding Excalibur. But through chicanery, lies, and flimflam, they convinced the commandant to let another person try…Betty! It was a complete curveball (making the damsel in distress do part of the adventure for them), but it was her or Devika…and India’s richest girl had made it quite clear how she felt about colonizers. Then again, Betty was an expert in folklore. She tried to give Bingen a kiss on the cheek for luck… and when he demurred, she entered the misty cave with gritted teeth and determination. Seconds passed. Minutes. Tens of minutes. Then, a thunderbolt cleaved through the heavens, and the mousey romance author emerged with the blade of Arthur. Possessed of true nobility, she was willing to hand over the blade to spare her friends… But the quartet had other ideas. Kabir tested the blade on a nearby Nazi bodyguard. It went through the man’s ribs like scissors through paper. Unfortunately, the colonel predicted this betrayal, unsheathing his own legendary blade.

[Now, I hate to delve into mechanics, but it’s worth explaining the stakes. Their opponent was a skilled specialist in dueling. Every successful swing of either blade caused wounds, not stress. Three consequences mean you’re laid up in the hospital for months… four, and they send you home in a can.]

Not helping matters was the crack squad of Nazis with a half-track, who had been training specifically to fight the group.

Still, boldness can go far. Stuntwoman Lala sprinted down the hill, cartwheeled past the soldiers, and sprung into the half-track. She decided to run the vehicle up the hill… just so it would be easier to flip over. When that was done, she stole the keys to the staff car. Tacìto was wounded by the SS squad’s gunfire, but roared back into combat with brutal punches and nerve strikes. Aldous ran interference, relying on all his affability to summon the Knights of the Round Table, exhorting them to fight die Deutschen.

Kabir was more of a judoka than a fencer, but he didn’t want to get stabbed. He fought defensively, luring Unger into a nearby ruined Abbey. But perhaps his wisest decision was trading the blade back-and-forth with the Jade Jaguar Tacito. The duelist was prepared for a one-on-one battle, not constantly shifting opponents. Still, he almost took off limbs, and without the sneaky help of Lala and Bingen, Albion would be doomed. In fact, The Commandant was prepared for some of their tricks: when Lala tried to run him down with a BMW, he sliced the car in half, sending her careening into a brick wall. Luckily, all she got was a broken nose.

The Nazis were punched out or sliced to chunks. And as the group ascended the rainy steps of the Abbey ruins, they were able to make red ribbons of the stürmer. It was a quick decision to bury the cursed blade Fafnir where it fell, and a slightly harder one to throw Excalibur into the ocean at Land’s End.

Closing the case though, that would take some doing. Kabir Rupert, OBE, called in every favor to align the political constellations. Tacìto Velasco studied the oldest law books in Europe. Finally, with all that, they were able to depose the treacherous former king, sending him to virtual exile as “honorary governor of the Bahamas”. Which was still easy compared to knowing that his childhood crush had, according to ancient ritual, chosen Kabir as her true and honest love. Props to the book for its evocative artwork:

[theultrablog]

Pulp Storytime #102: Death Laughs Last by Robin D Laws.

“Oh my God!,” Ned cried. “You work for him, don’t you? I’ve gone straight, I swear! I never want to see those things again! Never! I kept all my promises to him! Don’t take my mind! Don’t take my mind!”

New readers may ask: Who are you people?! Or Where did this start?

In March 1935, the Big Easy was home to an impossible case. Local dilettante Addison Bright was dead, from a spear through the chest, in his own private study. As a relative of the Astors, discretion was required. The family hired Detective JP Diamond, Professor Winston Callahan, and “Steel Eagle” (Gyatso Tsering), the Tibetan spirit of Brooklyn. Although it started gory, the adventure had plenty of levity. JP, knowing a lead was in Baton Rouge, sent the other two in Callahan’s plane… Just so he could spend time with his girlfriend. In Baton Rouge, Callahan and Eagle investigated a waxworks. Unfortunately, only one employee was on duty, and the lonely man wanted to talk their ears off. After all that work, the lead was to a locksmith less than half a mile from their original location in New Orleans. Back to the Spectre! JP is a gentleman, even to his detriment. He was at his favorite neighborhood dive when he was approached by reporter Beatrice Piper. She seemed fascinated by his return to the city, his case… and only after lengthy conversation did he realize that he had spilled the beans, on the record. The police were absolutely furious, threatening to feed his PI license to alligators. Because the story was leaked to the press, Ava Astor, autistic prep-school snob, came to town, ready for revenge on her uncle’s killer. Just what the detective needed. Some more digging (and an autopsy) revealed that Addison had a secret identity as scourge of the criminal underworld, masked crimefighter The Penitent! The players expertly snuck into his lair, only to be rendered unconscious when they opened the canisters of his nightmare powder. It's a shame that Callahan was the designated burglar but also couldn’t keep his hands to himself, sending the entire group into a series of terrifying nightmares. They awoke to find Addison’s manservant Mr. Han and Ava standing over them.

“You were supposed to sneak in, not get caught.”

Addison had a variety of assistants supporting him. There was his on-again off-again girlfriend, Beatrice, theatrical director Brooks Belasco, a boxer… But the one the group gravitated to was Phil Roach, bush pilot. He and Callahan instantly bonded as ‘the people other people call assholes because they’re smarter than them.’ The last piece of the puzzle was with an antiques dealer who was being hunted by a local gang. Hiram wanted to meet in public, and didn’t want to get stabbed. The players created a dragnet, leading around stalls, through alleys, constantly picking off the opposition with ”accidental” trips, carelessly thrown bricks, and falling roofing tiles. It turned out, the poison the Penitent was using on criminals slowly but surely made its way through his gas mask. He was convinced that he was his own arch-nemesis… and had tricked himself into a spear-assisted suicide. But who had sent him down this self-destructive path? It turns out Mr. Han was using Addison as a catspaw to eliminate all other crime in the city. The players found a creepy warehouse in the Bayou, a trail of blood leading in… And barred the doors. They set it on fire, funneling Mr. Han to one exit where he was beaten and arrested. Case closed, nearly. Phil Roach had been missing for a while, and his death hit the paper soon after. All that remained was his teeth, found in a burnt building. Detective Diamond found it most expedient to frame Addison’s suicide as a murder, getting Han sent to the chair for the one crime he didn’t commit. Callahan, who had proposed arson in the first place, couldn’t completely bury his feelings of despair. Although he was a Brooklyn boy at heart, Steel Eagle stayed in town a bit longer, fighting violent crime with his spin kicks. One crook said something to give him pause though…

“Good job, Yonkers. You and your boys just opened up the city for the Sinister Skull!”

[theultrablog]

Pulp Storytime #102: Girls of the Greenbrier.

New readers may ask: Who are you people?! Or Where did this start?

Her speech is in Russian and is about her experience being a trilingual ballerina. Do you think you’d like to read it?” Dr. Hazoul declined. Early October, West Virginia. Hope you’re ready for teen girls. Because we’re probably tripling the amount we’ve had so far in the last 101 storytimes.

Each of these young ladies, from ages 12 to 17, were at the stately Greenbrier for the Girl Paragons Leadership Conference. Astute readers might even see some familiar names: Ava Astor and Alice Cavendish, Devika’s best buddies, and Buck Searsroe, rich airfield mogul and member of the Century Club. Chaperoning Miss Velyapur were Professor Hemet Hazoul, Thaza O’Rourke, and someone who has known Devi since before she was born, Kabir Rupert OBE. Most of the adventure was meeting and greeting, trying to determine which mentorships were perfect matches (aviators Rosie Van Leer and Tex Johnston, paleontologists Lorraine Paget and Charles Glimore), and which ones were exploitation. Buck and Janie Voss were an example of the latter. Seeing her as a mathematical prodigy, he had emancipated her from her parents in order to get her collegiate and doctoral mathematic instruction. When Devi found out, she demanded that he allow visitation for her parents, maybe even hiring them onto his household staff. Money was wonderful, but parents were more important. Also under the yoke of exploitation: Albertha Robinson, a Harlem poet who had been taken under the wing of the self-aggrandizing HH Havermeyer.

Kabir was essential in finding this out, due to his “cross-examination“ style of debate that was mostly wry insults. He also turned his sharp tongue on Rafe Lancaster, Devi’s “semi-reformed” mentor. Rafe blanched at an insult, and Kabir piled on. “Just because I’ve revealed an unwelcome truth about your reality is no excuse to have your face change color.”

There was a bit of excitement (Russian emigre Polina Orlova got concussed from a golf ball to the back of the head), but the session was mostly about untangling the social web. Who liked who, who was in a clique… and the worst part, after-dinner speaking. Devi’s speech was a highlight, an advisory on the finer points of unofficial tipping, port authorities, and “unconventional cargo methodology”. The rest of the speakers varied from boring to amazing (Albertha being the best). Having recently been humiliated on stage (during last week’s adventure in Kansas), India’s richest girl was acutely aware of how awkward that could be. She worked with the rest of the ladies to cheer and exhort the more timid speakers. The second day of the conference started with flames! The building was ablaze, and everyone was panicking. Devi demanded Rafe rescue her expensive luggage, while she and Thaza rescued the elderly and the concussed. It was no problem for the cat burglar raised by apes to clamber across the outside of the building, but it was a surprise to see Rosie and Tex effecting a similar rescue. Kabir and Hemmet, a more intellectual pairing, used their knowledge of architecture (and willingness to shout) to help evacuate their section. They discovered that Janie was gone, and had left behind her favorite doll! Muddy footprints led to a disused section of the Greenbrier. There, American fascists had kidnapped the girl. Not worst of all, but certainly bad, was that they were aided by Devi’s latest crush, tennis instructor Earl Mayer! The leader of the group should’ve done better research. It would’ve prevented his mind from being crushed under the mystic onslaught of India’s wealthiest mesmerist! (Not coincidentally, its richest girl.) It also would have prevented his joints from being torn apart by Hyderabad’s greatest judoka. Not much could be done for the rest of the fifth columnists, who were dispatched by Dr. Hazoul wielding a claw hammer. You can research all you want, nothing prepares you for a surprise sneak attack by a Tomb Looting Scumbag.

Thaza freed Janie from their evil trap. No longer could they use the twelve-year-old’s mathematical genius for Aryan code-breaking. Conference saved!