theventden

[theventden]

Overwhelming everything

The past week or so have been overwhelming, to say the least. I'm so tired, more then I have been before this point. I think the worst thing is probably my body dysmorphia spiking like it has. I hate looking at myself, looking in mirrors is hard right now. I feel gross, disgusting, like I don't belong anywhere. I'm just a gross, obese blob that can't control her stupid goddamn impulses and repeatedly does these awful things to her body despite knowing she'll hate herself for it later. I've probably said this before, but I can't even eat anymore without feeling like a grotesque pig monster. I'm scared of gaining weight and scared of not losing enough weight, I've come close to developing an eating disorder several times but I've never told anybody other than my Mama. I've had thoughts in the past of puking what I ate so I didn't gain, or just not eating at all, but I've never acted on them- the last thing I need is to make my relationship with food even worse. My mental issues aside, I've really been struggling with college lately. It's not the fact that the material is hard, I have C's in my psych classes now- but it feels like there's so much and keeping up is so hard. Next week is finals week, I still don't have the dates and times memorized and I'm scared of not being able to finish my projects before then. I feel like a failure, a really stupid one. I know I'm not any of the things my head tells me I am, but it's hard not to listen to it. I'm just so so tired man... the impulses have lead me to post me venting on my instagram story a few times but I've always deleted them before anyone could see them and I absolutely hate making others deal with my mental issues so I can't stand myself when I do that. I want to get better.

[theventden]

Grades (again)

I'll say it again, taking psych was a mistake... I have a D in one of my courses and no matter what I do, it won't go up because I suck at it anyway. When I study I get WORSE grades then I do when I don't study, wtf is that??? My parents keep telling me to get my grades up, especially my Dad. And believe me, I'm doing my best!!! But oh my God, I'm so annoyed. Dad acts like psychology is supposed to be easy, it should be easy to go from a D to a C. Speaking from experience, it's not. Even if it's not his intention, sometimes I feel like he's talking down to me about it when he brings it up. I just feel so stupid. I know I'm not, I ended up on the honor roll in highschool. It's just that this entire situation has made me feel like a bag of bricks, useless and stuff like that. It doesn't help that because of my art classes, I'm experiencing some creative burnout. To be honest, I really didn't want to come to class today, but I forced myself to go. I have shit to get done, you know? I'm so tired man, I don't wanna be tired all the damn time anymore

[theventden]

Note taking

The professor in one of my psych classes switches the slides TOO DAMN FAST!!! Oh my God can I look away for one millisecond without the slides changing?? I've barely written anything before she moves on like I don't think it's possible for anyone to take notes at the pace she's going. Get me out of here man... at least my grade is decent.

[theventden]

Anxiety (Pt.2)

Uuuuugh I feel so irresponsible... I have low grades in both of my psych courses and I'm afraid of failing. I have these papers to do and I keep procrastinating even though I know I can't afford to do that and no matter what I tell myself I just get anxious and feel like puking instead of motivated to actually do the work. And I've used too much of my hard earned cash on food cuz that stuff is too expensive and omg I really need a job and I just can't stop thinking about what I should be doing without doing anything. I'm so overwhelmed by everything and I think I'm like super burnt out??? Talking to people makes me wanna scream and I had a whole breakdown like a week ago that my friends still don't know about. Sometimes crying doesn't make you feel better, which sucks. I'm so tired and I just wish I could disappear for a while but I have responsibilities and I need to do all the things I need to do and I just can't. I keep being told by older people to enjoy my youth while I have it but honestly, if this is how youth feels then I think I'd rather double it and give it to the next person because having everything figured out sounds GREAT. I'm 20, I feel like I should be better than this but I'm not and I'm scared that I'll regress or something. I'm in class again and the lecture is turning into audio soup going in one ear and out the other, I wanna cry but I never can when I want to. Life is hard.

[theventden]

Deadlines

Deadlines are frustrating. As much as I hate to admit it, I have no excuse for missing them other than just forgetting. I've been forgetting a lot, actually. I missed another exam so that's great, now I have to talk to my instructor and I hate doing that. I feel embarrassed about it because that's twice now that I've forgotten to take the quiz, it's like I never learn and I hate to be bothering her about it. Unrelated side note: the paper covering the wall in the campus art building was replaced by an exhibit and it makes me sad, I really loved seeing what contributions people made to it. I know doodling on it definitely didn't help but drawing on it was fun. Today it's just hard for anything to keep my attention, I know that's kind of normal for me but today it's especially bad. One mistake ruined my entire day, I hope I'm better one day.

[theventden]

Mental Health

Over the past few months, I've had the feeling that I may be spiraling. This week though it definitely confirms it a bit. Focusing on anything is a struggle, I feel angry all the time, I'm constantly out of energy and want to be alone, there's a lot. I don't know how to put into words how I've been feeling, I mean, I don't want to die or whatever. I've always had low self-worth but never enough to even consider that. But I DO sometimes wish I didn't exist, not in a realistic sense but as in I wish the world would forget me for a little while and I could just be, yk? I've almost cried like twice this week and my grades are slipping a little which sucks, migraines are getting worse too. March wasn't so good, I hope April will be better.

[theventden]

ADHD

The ADHD demon caught up to me again today... so college, I'm in it. Rn it's spring break, which was relaxing until today. I checked my grades after the midterm and it turns out that despite all my efforts to remember and complete every major assignment, I still forgot one! One of my psych classes had this big 100 point exam I was supposed to do that I completely forgot about, so I got a 0/100 and now I'm failing that class and I feel like I'm in hell. I know it's normal for most students to forget something, it's only natural when you have so many things to keep track of. My best friend even forgot to do an essay and she's a writing major!! But still, I'm pissed at myself. I'm pissed that for ONE moment, I couldn't stop hyperfixating on PJSK to quadruple check all my work. I relate almost too much to Ena Shinonome, she's half of the reason I go by Ena online (the other half being... Ena... by Joel G... yk, the theme of this whole acc-). Something we have in common is a fear of failure, it's one of many but it's also one of the strongest. I hate seeing that F on the screen, it makes me feel sick, honestly. Even after emailing my instructor, I just want to curl up into a ball. I wish I could hyperfixate on something useful, like my psych classes. I have so much trouble locking in when I have little interest in something. I spent a whole class in my head once just thinking of what methods I wanted to use to grind crystals for an event, not great. I know this incident is just a bump in the road, that it'll pass, but it doesn't feel like it right now. I just hope all my anxiety about it dies down soon.

[theventden]

Weight

Every now and then, I have trouble looking at myself in the mirror. I see my reflection and like many others, I'm not a fan of what I see. Here's a fact, I'm a 5'1, overweight girlie. By overweight, I mean almost 200lbs (that's like 90kg I think). As much as it upsets me to think about, I can't shun reality, yk??? I can't stand myself sometimes, just staring in the mirror, wondering what that is and why it's in place of my reflection. I want to lose weight, but I struggle to have the motivation to carry it out. I'm not diabetic or anything, but I know if I keep gaining I WILL be one day cuz genetics. Why is it that when it's something I want to do, I find it impossible? It's really easy to be hard on myself about it, I call myself fat and ugly, lazy too. The fat and lazy part has only been reinforced by my little brother since we were kids. Every time some food disappears in the house, he assumes it was me without even hearing me out. It's frustrating, but at the same time, I feel like a pig because the fact he can even accuse me says something, I think. It's hard, but I've already said that. I try my best, today is one of the bad days where I feel bloated and gross-- it's just not my day, I guess.

[theventden]

Anxiety

I try to stay positive, I really do, but it's so hard. These past few weeks have been rough. I feel all burnt out and low-key miserable physically. The worst part is the increased amount of anxiety I've been feeling. My assignments are piling up and I'm kind of sinking under all of it. I get so nervous about getting bad grades that I (unsurprisingly) procrastinate and (shockingly) it just makes everything worse. And even if that wasn't bad enough, sometimes I freak out so much that I use up all my energy on worrying about it instead of actually doing it, then when I actually need to do the work I don't have the energy and it really sucks. Even as I type this rant rn I'm in a psych class (ik ironic, isn't it?) listening to my Professor going on about anxiety disorders. She's going so fast, I just gave up taking notes atp. I'm tired and I wanna go home and sleep forever but after this I have to do some group thing for the same class and then visit the art museum on campus for one of my art classes. It doesn't sound like a lot but for me it definitely feels like it, and then I have a bunch of stuff due on Friday and I'm trying so hard but I just feel lazy. Maybe it's a good thing that Spring Break is next week, I think I need it.

[theventden]

Validation

Something that frustrates me is how self-contradictory I am. I constantly get pulled back and forth by my brain between wanting a lot of validation via attention and wanting no attention whatsoever. Lately, the side of my that craves validation has been going haywire and I have no idea why. Actually, I don't know why I have the strong desire for it in the first place- my parents gave me enough attention as a kid I think. It's weird. When I'm talking to someone online, I usually freak out when someone leaves me on read. I start overthinking and wonder if they don't care or if they're ignoring me, even if they're not. It's annoying that I think that way, I wanna stop but I can't afford therapy and I breaking my routine gives me enough anxiety to keep myself from using the free resources on campus. Maybe one day I will, I don't know.

[theventden]

Procrastination

I have this problem where I procrastinate a lot, like a lot, a lot. While paying attention is already a struggle, actually doing things can be HARD. I'm procrastinating right now, actually. I'm supposed to write a three paragraph essay for this class I'm in, I can't even complain cuz college is a choice, yk? I wanted to be here so now I have to go through what comes with it. That being said, I'm still not doing it because I simply can't bring myself to. I have ADHD (surprise, surprise) and completely forgot to take my meds this morning so that might be part of it, I think. The thing is due on Sunday and ngl I do my best to turn things in on time, so hopefully I'll pull through.

[theventden]

Grades

So grades are something, huh? College is rough, even more so when you're a perfectionist like me. It's hard to turn in anything that you're worried isn't good enough. One of my biggest problems is self-doubt. I doubt myself a LOT. It's something I'm working on, but that doesn't change the fact that I do it. The worst part is that even though I wasn't raised with parents who pressured me to have good grades, I still have the inexplicable urge to break down every time I get something that isn't in the A or B range, and even then sometimes B's aren't even enough for me. Maybe it's the OCD, maybe not, idk. I got an 80% on an assignment today on one of my art assignments. I'm an art major so it feels like a big deal especially when the one thing I feel like I'm good at doesn't meet my annoyingly high standards for myself. So now I'm tired and cranky and I wanna go home but the day pretty much just started, shit sucks. I'll just stick it out ig.

[theventden]

Energy Drinks

So here's the thing, energy drinks are supposed to help you, right? Well, they don't help me. I don't know if anyone else has this experience but I've drank a lot of energy drinks in the past, usually they're my last ditch effort to keep myself awake during the day. Despite how many I have; and normally I drink just one if any at all, I don't feel more awake or energized. Energy drinks make me feel straight up lucid, like I'm in a dream but not. In a sense, I guess I become a zombie? I don't know, tbh. I had one earlier and now I'm just shaky and dealing with a massive headache. Note: never rely on sugary beverages to stay awake