thewallsarecavingin-blog1 - Tumblr blog

[thewallsarecavingin-blog1]

The Beginning

I have suffered from depression on and off for the past seven years or more. Or has it always been there and I've not been be brave enough to a admit it!? A couple of years ago I ended up having a complete meltdown at work over nothing which ended in me being signed of work for about 2 months. I sort help from my GP and eventually felt better. I navigated myself through a couple of jobs and finally found a job I love and feel as though I am running with my studies. I absolutely hate taking medication so I eventually came off everything and was ok. I could put a smile on my face, do my work and come home. Everything seemed to be going in the right direction.. This is where I found myself.. I quite quickly found myself in a very dark hole, but I didn't want admit it. I pushed throughout it, put on my mask and did my job at work then came home. It was harder to keep the mask on at home, so I ended up sleeping - a lot. It was becoming increasingly harder to put on the mask at work too. I started becoming teary at anything and everything. There came the time that I couldn't bring myself to go to work so I called in sick. This is where it all started becoming very over whelming and found myself a very steep slippery slope. I couldn't stop. I didn't have the will to stop, I just wanted it over with. On my return to work, I sat down with my director for my back to work interview. Before I even sat down, I had made the decision that I was going to come clean. Tell someone exactly what was going on in my head, no matter how hard that conversation was going to be. I was going to be honest. Really honest! The thought scared me, but I needed to do it. The plan did not work out the way I wanted it to.. The first words out of my mouth were "I'm just really not in a good place at the moment" to the reply "But that's not good enough.. you really let the team down.." In my head all I heard was 'You're not good enough'. I know those exact words were not uttered, but my ears have a filter in which they can twist and turn anything into something else. So even though I heard and can recall the exact words and conversation had, the same four words are the words that stick. That statement still, even now, is going round and round in circles, inside of my head. This conversation that I thought was going to help me to start to come to terms with everything that was going on inside my head and the feelings that were going round and round inside of me, actually did the opposite to what I have hoped. Instead of pushing me to realise I was not ok and I needed get help, it made me retreat inside of myself further. Still with the 'you're not good enough' statement going round and round, I did want I do best. Put the mask back on, perform like a monkey and not tell anyone else how I was feeling. Even though I was breaking. Last week I knew I was balancing on a knifes edge, that I was running on empty and this act that I had been performing was coming to an end, because I just couldn't fake it anymore. It took just one comment. One stupid comment from someone who was trying to be funny, to push me and cut me in half revealing all of my demons. I felt as though I had found myself in a very, very dark hole. One which I couldn't see any light because the walls all around me were crumbling around me, falling on top of me, sufafercaiting me! I had no where to go, so I ended up being very honest to two colleagues. (The same honesty I wanted previously. That I needed. I just let go of most, not all of what was inside.) The response I had from them was polar opposites to my encounter two weeks previously. They let me talk, cry and sob. They met me with open arms and honesty in their part. This actually made me feel like a weight had been lifted. By no means was I cured but there was a glimmer of hope. Even though it was a very small glimmer. At least it was something I hadn't had for a while. Until the next day, where I felt flipped and turned upside down. I found myself in the same hole as the day previous but it's was deeper, even darker. I didn't think it was possible for this hole to become even darker than it had been, but I was there. I witnessing the blackest of black. Nothing but black and cold and alone! I ended up having a complete melt down and panic attack at work, to the point I felt physically sick because I just couldn't catch my breath. I was told to go home and speak to the doctor. For once I actually felt the doctor sat and listened. And this is where I find myself now.. Signed off work, alone and trying to put the millions of pieces back together, while trying to navigate myself out of this very dark hole. If I am truly honest with myself I think I have always had this blackness within myself and have played being ok for too long to have realised it was there. But it has really scared me how quickly it has absorbed me this time.