thousandsofroses - Tumblr blog

[thousandsofroses]

depressing post, don’t read if it bothers u

i’m going through it so bad lately. i feel completely purposeless and lost in life and the voice in my head is telling me i should just die. i don’t want to but i’m so scared i’m gonna listen to my negative thoughts one day. i’m tired of feeling like this bro. it’s been 9 years of this. i feel really alone in the universe. which makes no sense because i know i have ppl who love me but i still feel completely alone.

[thousandsofroses]

feeling no gender rn love that for me, a good cleanse from my usual gender intensity chaos, gn yall

[thousandsofroses]

little rant!

it’s june so happy pride! 🌈

i am usually all over social media during june, either celebrating or educating but i am feeling so exhausted lately.

i’ve had like 2 or 3 big mental health breakdowns/panic attacks in may, and have been dealing with lots of weird little health issues because i’ve just felt so stressed and tense lately. i can’t seem to shake it.

sometimes i feel like i am a stranger to myself. not sure if this is just part of being in your 20s or if it has to do with internalized queerphobia or with generational trauma.

i just feel like a complete alien to the people around me who i’m supposed to relate to and i feel like i’m retreating so far into my own world that i hate being with people because i feel like they don’t understand me.

i also gaslight myself to the point where i can’t make up my mind about how i feel about anything or how i want to spend my time.

basically i’ve been going THRU it (clearly) and.. idk like this post if you feel like an awkward little alien that people cant relate to

[thousandsofroses]

walking into women’s locker rooms/dressing rooms/bathrooms as an afab genderfluid person is wild because

my appearance belongs in there but my brain is like… are we… are we an outsider to this experience right now? i think we are, this is weird, act normally tho

[thousandsofroses]

woman rn 👁️

[thousandsofroses]

just in case no one told you this tonight, then

goodnight, luv u ❤️

[thousandsofroses]

I just want to say it here because i have nowhere else to say it:

i have had she/they pronouns on my social media bios for like 2 years now at least because i’m afab and not brave enough to say they/she or she/they/he etc etc.

anywayyyys no one ever even uses “they” (classic ppl ignoring the they)

BUT recently THREE ppl have used it in person unexpectedly when referring to me and i cannot explain how seen and held i felt.

and one time i even said “oh she is ok” or “you don’t have to use they if you dont want” and they still did it anyway!!! 😭

the feeling i got just confirmed that i’m not “faking it” i’m actually so genderfluid and finally have been having these precious moments where i feel seen and loved for it for the first time ever and it makes me so emotional

i just need to keep reminding myself i’m valid. even on my girl days when i feel entirely cis and like i’m “faking it”

idk bro it’s so hard to love myself when i can’t even label what gender i am feeling sometimes. it makes me feel like i don’t know who i am, and i can start to feel very isolated from myself. but i just remembered these three moments that have happened and i it’s all i can think about right now i love those people for it❤️

anyway pronouns are important! i pretended publicly like they weren’t important to me but they are and they help me feel like me

[thousandsofroses]

do any other gender fluid people have trouble creating a wardrobe for yourselves? or creating a personal style?

because when i’m a woman i have half the choices of things to wear because so many things in there are my dude clothes.

and then when i’m feeling extremely not woman but some other gender, i look at my feminine clothes and don’t understand how i could ever wear those things because at that moment it is entirely not an option.

my wardrobe also just looks so jumbled and weird and i desperately want to have a unique style and transition effortlessly between genders but it feels like every single time i shift i have to relearn how to dress.

anyone? just me?

[thousandsofroses]

ugh whip lash lately with my gender.

i’m a woman i love being a woman how could i have ever hated my boobs, glorious! i’m a bog creature, no gender, feeling ugly and uncomfortable in my body but certain i am not a woman or a man, embracing my creatureness. i’m man adjacent and in a very androgynous, ambiguous way. i’m some secret fourth gender, just a hyper specific memory or feeling. i’m a woman i love my curves. i hate my curves and i’m not fully a woman. WHAT THE FUCK. i’m EXHAUSTED!!

[thousandsofroses]

as a bisexual with a complicated gender identity, i just think that's so sexy and intellectual of me actually. if you are also a bisexual with a complicated gender identity just know we should be sharing a nomination for a nobel prize rn.

[thousandsofroses]

i can’t believe 2 years went by? i’m having an early midlife crisis i can’t believe i’m aging and still trying to figure myself out ugh make it stop lol

[thousandsofroses]

i’m BACK

[thousandsofroses]

new unsettling gender ocd thought just dropped: i’m actually just claiming to be genderfluid because i have GENDER GREED

[thousandsofroses]

hello little queer people in my phone😚 i’m back to being embarrassing on the internet and posting all my innermost thots

[thousandsofroses]

my elevator speech

Genderqueer culture is constantly self-doubting whether you're actually NB or just cis GNC who's faking it, and adoring the label genderqueer bc it's so broad

Plus, I get a really pretty flag so it's a win win :D

[thousandsofroses]

Genderqueer culture is constantly self-doubting whether you're actually NB or just cis GNC who's faking it, and adoring the label genderqueer bc it's so broad

Plus, I get a really pretty flag so it's a win win :D

[thousandsofroses]

Literally thought that sexual attraction was just a joke that everyone was simply aware of...