throawaymeowmeow - Tumblr blog

[throawaymeowmeow]

I post a vent about my personal experiences and I’m immeadiately called a sock puppet traitor by someone reblogging my post to their followers. Great!

[throawaymeowmeow]

Frustrated

Hey, I made this account because I need somewhere to speak my mind. Having looked at how radfems are treated, I am not quite ready to be open about my beliefs on my main blog just yet. I would lose friends and most likely get hate, and I am not ready for that. I just would like to find people who won’t ostracize me for how I’m feeling. I made this account to vent my feelings and speak from the heart.

I am a detrans lesbian woman. Since I was a kid, I have felt wrong to be female. I thought this was because I was trans, or non-binary, so I called myself a man and went by he/him. I thought I had it all figured out, and had found my people, yet simultaneously felt at unease around “fellow” trans people at the time. It was like an echo chamber. Everyone’s on the defensive, constantly, there’s no openings for new beliefs, and everyone’s scared of the big Terf boogeyman. I fell for this schtick as a silly young teen, including the JKR hate, despite the fact I had not actually read up on her views — Given, I did not hate her myself, I disagreed with her yes, but even when I was knee deep in the BS I still thought the harassment was awful (though I didn’t speak up about it, which was wrong.) One day my mother and I struck up a conversation at the start of this year (I think? Idk, I didn’t jot down the exact date lol) concerning that very subject.

My mother has been a lifelong feminist, and she is an amazing woman who has been a great influence on me. She allowed me to have a safe space where I could come to terms with my true opinions and not feel pressured & trapped in the echo chamber. She expressed that she felt frustrated with how the trans community was treating JKR and Posie Parker. She has always admired JKR, and while she didn’t wholly agree with her views, she felt very shocked and horrified at the vitriolic hatred being hurled at her. I admitted I felt the same. JKR had expressed her views in an educated and informed manner, and had been met with threats of rape and other terrible violence, as well as misogynistic insults and ostracization… Yet, men with far more violent and unempathetic views toward trans people were not met with nearly as much vitriol. I was beginning to see a pattern. Posie Parker, an activist who had come to New Zealand, was hit over the head with a bottle by a trans activist when she was speaking at a rally. People cheered the assailant on, and called Parker a ‘terf b*tch’, a fascist, a c word, so and so forth. My mother and I were shocked when we read this. Once again, a woman had dared express her opinion and was met with violence and vitriol. That, I think, marked the beginning of my second guessing as I realized the kinds of people I was aligning myself with.

Then came the whole “transmisogyny” thing. This really fucking frustrated me, even when I still identified as transgender. I have lived my whole life as female, I have been raised with patriarchal and misogynistic ideals hammered into me, told I have been inadequate, brushed off, sexualised, dehumanized, used as a scapegoat and a target, and that’s just scratching the surface. I have been taught to hate my body, and hate my mind, and mold everything in my life around whether or not it appeals to the male’s leer. And yet, these transwomen “transbians” who have lived their WHOLE FUCKING LIVES as heterosexual men (often white heterosexual men) up until recently suddenly are the real victims of misogyny, and women are the perpetrators of it. What! Are you fucking deluded???? That fucking infuriated me.

Everything in the trans community revolved around males. Transwomen, to be exact. We had to revere them like saints, seriously. Female born trans people such as trans men and various non binary people were treated as villains when they didn’t fall for the narrative. Seem familiar, ladies? Yeah, it’s the same anti female shit repackaged in a fresh new woke, blue pink and white coat of paint. Anyone who mentions the hypocrisy and the illogical nature of it all gets called a TERF - and by Jove, you don’t want to be an EEEVIL TERF!!!

Then there’s the genital thing. I have seen borderline rapey shut (actually no, not borderline, straight up rapey shit) come from the trans community (T.W mostly let’s be real it’s always them) regarding “genital preferences”. Hell rains down when they discover a lesbian doesnt like ‘girldick’. You can’t force people to be fucking attracted to you!!!! This is just REPURPOSED HOMOPHOBIA! My fucking God! Like, conversion therapy logic!!!! Oh, we can make her like dick, oh we can make him like pussy. How are you SO BLIND???????

I am honestly ANGRY at myself that I ever fucking believed this shit. I wanted to be part of a group and feel like I belonged, and the hatred I had for my body was taken advantage of and I stupidly went along with it. I don’t know why I didn’t realize this shit sooner. I am angry I am frustrated and I feel stuck. Like, I am stuck in a dark, muddy pit, but if I try to get out I’ll be shot by gunmen waiting just outside.

Okay, sorry, I got a bit angry there. Back to my point. Ever since I have distanced myself from transgenderism, and tried to accept my female body, I’ve felt a lot freer. I know that’s contradictory to what I just said, but it’s sort of two sides of a coin type deal. I’ve been looking at lesbian communities, butch women, engaging with strong females in my life that have broken free from the gnarled hands of the male agenda, and I feel seen. I’ve been reading up on the views of radfems online, and I realized how much of it I actually agreed with for so long but was too afraid to come to terms with it. I’m trying to make peace with my female body. I am not this warped idea of what society wants a woman to be. I am not some pornographic caricature. I am a woman - a female human. I am a person and an animal. I am loud, I am passionate, I am intelligent, I am prickly and hairy and problematic, I am independent I am my own person and my life doesnt need to revolve around MEN and whether I need to pretend to be a man or appeal to men. Men don’t need to feature in my life. They aren’t necessary. Hell, they’re a burden. They’re stupid, violent and emotionally handicapped creatures and I’ve had enough of putting up with them in my life. I’ve stopped engaging with male media and embraced the female world.

Okay, I’m done. I still have a lot of stuff I need to unlearn, and I’m at the foot of a long, tall mountain. I hope you didn’t mind my very long, somewhat personal rant. I may get hate for this (though I’m probably not gonna log into this account again), but I need an outlet.