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Happy Birthday to me.. 33 years of existence here on earth.. Happy but frightening feeling.. Thankful that despite pandemic, my family and I are still healthy and strong.

Dear Self, you have a lot of self doubt. Cried a lot this year but still managed to wake up the next morning. You are doing well. We may not be happy everyday, know that you have family and true friends that loves you no matter what. Continue to fight, Tina! Aja!

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This year 2021, I have met the most broken version of myself but also the strongest..

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Natatakot sa work bukas pero wala namang choice. Holy Spirit activate! 🙏

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11 years ago, I was losing my patience.. Now, I lost myself.. I miss the old me, the stronger version of me.. 2021 you hit so hard.

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Jen, 40th day mo na.. ang bilis.. sa totoo lng ayoko sanang magsulat ngaun, pagod, lungkot, miss ka namin sobra, pero sana kung nsan ka man, happy ka.. never pumasok sa isip ko na ganito kabilis babawiin kasi nasa isip ko tatanda pa tayong magksama.. hay Jen.. psensya ka na nakakaiyak parin, konti konti kakayanin dba.. whew. mahal ka nmin at miss n miss ko ng kausap k pag gabi pag may problema agad ka lang agad.. hay.. whew.. paalam Jen.. til we meet again, pero sana wag naman agad.. gabayan mo din kami from afar. ❤️😢

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Dinalaw mo ko ngayon Jen sa panaginip.. Ayan naconfirm na natin ang reason ni Ann.. I miss you! Hanggang sa huli iniisip mo magkaayos kami..

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I miss you, Jen..bigtime!

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It’s been 4 days Jen.. I miss you my friend.. help me stop crying, help me sleep normal, help me to move forward.. 😭 Di pa ko ready mag bbye..

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Have you ever felt lost in life? Like no clue what to do next. All the plans gone, dreams missing, motivation lost. That is what I’m feeling right now, adding up to the stress brought by pandemic, I’m experiencing inner struggle with my craft.. I kept asking is this the Lord’s plan? Is this worth it?..

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Should I write another blog entry?

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Life is a colorful journey with some colors bright and others dull. But cherish each and every color as you are alive to do so.. -Rahul Aurora- #paintbynumbers #artherapy #quaranthings https://www.instagram.com/p/CG9zLSCBoIao_T7RFqe6cJthyxwdU5H0rZuQ1Y0/?igshid=qtl52vwvcuc9

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Today is another day

Have you ever felt mentally exhausted. Like your mind is about to explode but no, it cannot explode, you don’t have the right to explode...

I have been unemployed for 6 months now. Been looking for job online for a month, submitted a lot of CVs, got interview maybe less than 10 times and got rejected many times. I know that considering pandemic, job hunting nowadays will be harder than normal but at the same time, I don’t want to invalidate the frustration that I’m feeling right now. Everyday, the first thing I tell myself after waking up is “go tina, fight!” but today, my mind just can’t somehow take it. I have been thinking about my frustration all day long (worst, was comparing myself to others), yes I’m aware that it isn’t right to compare and that I should stop doing it. And since it’s pandemic I don’t have any other outlet for my frustration. Thank God for this tumblr account that I have, I’m able to release my frustrations. 

As this day ends, I read an article about tips on how to apply for a job at Singapore (I’m thinking of applying overseas since I haven’t received any job offers locally) and in the article it says “Remember that Singapore still has priority with their citizens so it’s quite hard nowadays but never lose hope as a job will come for you if it’s really meant to be for you.” BOOM! The Lord reminded me to never lose my hope because He has a plan. *Teary-eyes*.. 

Thank you for reading my story/rant of the day. And if you happen to be like me, let’s not lose hope and trust God’s process. He has a plan and what’s really meant for us will eventually happen. Godspeed!

10.23.2020

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Don’t give up

It’s so hard to find a job these days. Sometime I just want to give up, but NO, NO.. I won’t stop. This too shall pas and everything will pay off. Praying for a better tomorrow. 

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The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck

I recently finished reading Mark Manson’s book “The subtle are of not giving a fuck”. I got lost at some points but here’s my key takeaways:

1. Choose your struggles, you don’t need to give your f*cks to everything, but only to those important. 

2. Problems are part of life and you will fail, but it’s okay, we need to accept the presence of problems in our lives because at the end of the day, life is a series of problems that we solve. And learn to accept the fact the we will fail and that it’s totally okay and normal.  

3. Define your values ~ “Good values are 1. reality-based 2. socially constructive 3. immediate and controllable. Bad values are 1. superstitious, socially destructive 3. not immediate or controllable”. We should define our values because values affects our priorities in life, it influences our decision making. When we choose better values we are able to give our f*cks to something better that would result in improvement of our lives.

4. We are responsible for our own well-being. “Fault is past tense. Responsibility is present tense. Fault results from choices that have already been made. Responsibility results from the choices you’re currently making, every second of every day. You are choosing to accept or reject the concepts.” At the end of the day, we are responsible for whatever happens in our lives. Mark explained the difference between fault and responsibility.

5. Failure is part of success, similar as to pain is part of happiness. We can truly feel the success and happiness if we have experienced failure and pain in our lives. And not all negative, painful experiences are bad, these moments sometimes leads us to something great. And pain often times makes us stronger. I remember the saying “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”.

6. Action isn’t just the effect of motivation but also the cause of it. Whenever we have a problem and fear eats us up, the first thing we usually do it nothing and we usually reason out that we lack motivation. But actually this is the time that we need to do something, even if we don’t know what we are doing because eventually it will lead us to the right ideas. When we do action on things, the inspiration will follow hence will result to motivation. 

7. Accept that death is part of life. We have to accept the fact that we will all die sooner or later. Death is one of the things that has certainty, we are just not sure when but it is still certain that it will happen. “A person who have lived his life to the fullest is a person who isn’t afraid of death”

10.05.2020

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Moving out..

Earlier, I was listening to podcasts in spotify. One of which was “Shot of Sanity with Aaron Atayde” and the topic was moving out. It was actually a question he got from a fan asking for tips and advise ~ how to tell your parents that you want to move out, how nga ba?  First things first, Asian culture is very different from Western culture. We are so used to living with our parents even after getting married and having our own families (not saying that this applies to all though, but mostly, I guess?) unlike in western culture, at the age of 18, your parents would expect you to leave the house and try to live on your own. So that’s the reason why it is kinda hard to tell your parents to move on, for sure the listener is worried of what his/her parents might feel which makes sense naman nga. To cut it short, their advice (Aaron was with Joyce Pring) was to be firm and be prepared to answer your parents questions kasi for sure marami yon, but you have to show them that you are serious about it, that you can do it and that you still need them even though you are moving out. :) Good advice that I must keep for future use :)

So sympre, I was trying to relate it to myself..Ako pa ba. haha! In my case, I’m 31 years old and still living with my parents. Do I have plans of moving out? Of course! But I don’t know when and how coz I’ll admit, living with my parents is really convenient and practical. I’m literally saving money by not paying rent plus sympre home food will always be a blessing. :) Pero at the back of my mind, I was also asking myself, oo nga noh - why didn’t I chose to move out, imagine the independence, the live by your own kind of life... that could have been better lalo na kung mejo may tampuhan sa bahay.. oh well I need to calm down,  what a timing. haha! And at the end of the day, we are all where we are supposed to be, so I’m so supposed to be here. Keep calm.. When I can, I will move out too :) 

09.25.2020

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Prison Playbook

Today I finished the Prison Playbook series, 2017 pa to, but I only watched it ngayong 2020 haha! And I don’t know why but I felt very attached to this kdrama. haha! I was crying while watching episode 16 thinking that it was the last episode :( and because I got attached, I need to write my thoughts here!! Alright, I’ll start with the phasing, it took me awhile before I finally got interested in this series. I think it was around episode 3 or something, when Jae Hyuk was transferred to Seobu Penitentiary. The first 2 episodes were like warm up episodes for me, glad to say I didn’t stop there cause if I did, I would have missed the lessons that this series have.

For the characters, these were the casts that I would say I gained knowledge or life hacks or whatever you call it haha! Of course, first is the baseball player (Jae Hyuk). Just imagine, your so famous life suddenly crashed because of some j*rk who deserved to die! Feeling unfair, right? This is why I love Jae Hyuk’s character. His story reminded me that life is unfair and we need to accept it. There was this scene, can’t remember if it was episode 9 or 10, Captain Yoo told him that he was born to be in prison. In response, he told Captain Yoo that he wasn’t enjoying their life in prison, that they are the same everyday upset but he was adjusting to the current situation because otherwise he wouldn’t survive. He also told Captain Yoo that he need to control his anger to overcome everything coz if he don’t he won’t last in there and won’t be able to live. Inspiring dba? :)

Min Chul was a gangster that served 22 years in prison. Typical good guy with bad work that changed over long period of time. In his story, I learned the value of prayers and chances. Indeed, we all make mistakes and sometimes those mistakes will teach us the hard way. Like for him, he needed to be in prison for 25 years, but granted a special parole on his 22nd year. I was so touched when he met his daughter. Sobrang galing nila umarte, I was crying haha!

Dr. Ko, I felt sad and hoping for season 2. haha! His story was hanging, but I would like to think that he was released and they have lived in another country as he planned. Lesson learned from him? Know your rights and fight for it if you must. Quite ironic lang kasi he took the fall for the company but I’m glad that towards his last scenes, he already spoke up. Another would be to learn to say NO, to avoid people taking advantage of your kindness. Don’t spoil those who need to be disciplined.

Looney!! I loved how the writer thought of his character, parang real life story. Guys, don’t ever try drugs. It will not do you any good. It kills you and damages your brain to the maximum level. I felt sad for his lover and parents who waited him on the day of his release. T.T Alam mo yung ang tagal nyang nilabanan sa loob yung drugs and after release, he just can’t get over it, he tried but he can’t :( :( :( So whatever happens, don’t try drugs!!!

Captain Yoo <3. Okay, I admit, the reason I searched for this series is because of Jung Hae-In. Haha! Oppa eh! <3 Too bad his story wasn’t done but in my mind I know the justice will prevail and he will be released. haha that’s my ending for his story. His story was similar to Jae Hyuk, pero mas malala lang yung kanya in a sense that he was wrongly accused, he wasn’t a criminal but he was in prison and in reality this happens. Sad reality. As a whole, I hope justice system to get better kasi kawawa naman yung mga wrongly accused.

Lieutenant Paeng, a compassionate commanding officer. Hard on the outside, soft on the inside type of person. I like his character kasi he cares for the inmates. Well, yes, they committed crimes but he still cares for them. His character teaches us to be compassionate towards others and don’t be judgmental just because of the way they communicated (hilig nya kasi magmura at informal makipagusap dba) haha!

Lastly, Joon Ho, he was Jae Hyuk’s guardian angel on earth. Very supportive best friend. Even after a long time of not seeing each other, you don’t have any hard feelings and just care for your friend na parang kahapon lang nagkita kayo kind of feels. Solid. We all need at least one friend like Joon Ho in our lives. Most memorable scene nila for me was when Jae Hyuk was so worried, that what if he didn’t get offers from any team, if his fastball isn’t that fast, if he won’t make it on the major league, what if he can’t go back to how he played before.. Joon Ho replied “then go to the minor league, if you stink there, you go retire. People don’t think about you all day long. Everybody is busy with their own lives. Peoples expectation of you might last only for 2 weeks and they expect low. Don’t worry too much... Dreams should be realistic like this...” Oh dba.. Many of us were like Jae Hyuk, always thinking about what others might say or think about us. We forgot that they also have their own lives, so we should stop worrying. Sabi nga, our only competition is with our self. Be a better version of yourself :) Too bad, we wouldn’t know if he eventually becomes a teacher or stayed as commanding officer because on that last episode he was already doing what Lieutenant Paeng does, so not sure, but it’s fine hehe!

Okaaayy, ang haba na pala nito. haha! peace! I highly recommend this kdrama because it isn’t a love story and it’s an eye-opener to realities of life. Maybe that’s why I felt attached kasi it wasn’t idealistic. :)

Thanks for reading! 21.09.2020

P.S. I got the picture from google. 

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Random

This blog entry was just written for my random thoughts. It’s currently 3:07am and I’m still not that sleepy so might as well write something in here. Okay, so I been really moody this week, as in super, I make everything a big deal. Let me tell you 2 stories. First, I bought a wall clock from shopee, it’s a DIY type of wall clock that you need to measure the sides, etc to complete the clock. And because of too much happiness felt when I finished assembling it, I showed it to my friends. One of my friends asked me to show a picture of the entire wall and so I did. And then she told me that I wasn’t able to put the clock at the center. She literally told me that she just asked for the picture of the entire wall just to check if I was able to put it on the center... So my inner thoughts was, WTF dude? If you ain’t gonna say something nice, just shut up. haha! But ofcourse, didn’t say it to her, I just kept it to my self. The next day, I asked them if they have used google photos as back up. Her reply was like, no, it will show your pictures in public. Well this one, I did check in the net, it seems that possible to happen only if you’ll share the pics. Okay, my inner self is sort of stressed out with her. haha but admittedly it was my bad for asking that group. So what’s my point on writing this blog? Well, aside from just wanting to rant out my feelings, I guess I learned that we can always choose our battles. There will be times that small things could affect us and make us very mad inside but before we burst out our anger, let’s ask ourselves, would this thing still matter after 5 years? Is it worth my time? Is this worth giving the fuck?.. And if the answer is no, might as well, just like me, write your feelings or cry or tear a book or pray. At the end of the day, it is always nice to choose kindness and be better a version of ourselves. 

If you got into this far, thank you for reading! :) Stay safe and sane during this pandemic! <3