toohardontheknees - Tumblr blog

[toohardontheknees]

Hi.

if i wanted dumb boring asks i would open my twitter’s curious cat

[toohardontheknees]

Courtney Love on her relationship with her mother:

“What was your relationship with your mother like?”

A lot of it was - I believe in my heart - a projection that my mother made on me because of a repulsion she felt for my father, for which I don't blame her. But it is something she denies to the death. If I had a child, and I was repulsed by the father, I would have a difficult time. Knowing the history of my father, I don't know if I would try and make up for it.

“There is some irony in the fact that given your own very public problems, your mother is a well-known therapist.”

When Newsweek found out she was my mother in the middle of the Katherine Ann Power thing, she was just mortified. Because people have met me who were her clients: "If that's your product, my friend..."

— Courtney Love, Rolling Stone interview 1994

[toohardontheknees]

[toohardontheknees]

POOR THINGS (2023) dir. Yorgos Lanthimos

[toohardontheknees]

‘So it’s Uncle Jack you fall on your knees for, eh? Not Michael.’

Peaky Blinders | 6.01 “Black Day”

[toohardontheknees]

it’s not my responsibility to give my mother’s life meaning. i want to believe we were happy in the time we met and spent together. maybe it was both for her, and for me, that year we spent together, that somehow makes the rest of our strange lives, make sense. i was never allowed to grieve so the grief took strange shapes and grew teeth - i still don’t know how to do it. it’s very new to me, and as with so many things in my life is something that i’m still not allowed (legal risk even, how elizabethan of me) to talk about, which explains the urge to overshare anonymously online. it’s also, famously, one of those things no one wants to hear about. i remember when i was in middle school and girls would ask me “how do you do it?” - how do i do what? i was already a mess, denial, cope, dissociation - whatever the first steps of grief are. weird to miss something you never had, & yet, here we are.

i wonder if i even have such “chronic depression” or if i just miss my mother so much that i latch on that sadness and feeling of void/desperation to everything and nothing ever feels or will feel fulfilling/sufficient enough to fill that void because i don’t know where to look at or even what to look for.

i feel lost like arriving to the cinema and being told that the movie stopped playing 20 years ago - where do i go now? there’s no one else here. everyone moved on, everyone else has somewhere else they know to go to. i don’t even remember the face of the person i miss. only that she was probably the answer to the huge question mark my life has been.

[toohardontheknees]

"In Hole, we had a really safe place to create in. I felt safe in my band to come out as a gay woman. Courtney was a force that would not allow any of us to be spoken down to or any of that kind of fucking behavior, no matter where we were." - Patty Schemel

[toohardontheknees]

When I was on anonymous venting sites, I came across a homosexual guy and a homosexual girl who had both been sexually abused as children, and who both had female perpetrators.

Both of them discussed a deep sense of shame regarding their homosexuality, and how they were mortified of the idea that others would attribute their homosexuality to the fact that they were child sexual abuse victims.

It was the first time I really noticed that homosexuals can never simply be recognized as victims of sexual abuse in the same, uncomplicated way that heterosexuals are. For homosexual people, it seems that whether their abuser was of the sex they're attracted to, or the sex they're not attracted to, the sexual abuse will always be blamed for either making them gain attraction to the sex of their abuser or losing attraction to the sex of their abuser.

[toohardontheknees]

Hole’s ‘Malibu’ - December 1998

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Anger and Tenderness, from Of Woman Born: Motherhood as Experience and Institution by Adrienne Rich

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who else mourning the person they could've been if they were treated kindly as a child

[toohardontheknees]

“She wasn't scared of vulgarity or what anyone else might say. She talked about violence, body image, lesbianism, beauty, incest, rape, maternity and even femininity unlike anybody else before her. This woman spoke to other women, without ever beating round the proverbial bush and she never lied. She'd never hesitate to openly insult her male contemporaries. And above all - she was never sorry.”

"Between the exaggerated femininity of Blondie and the gender fluidity of Patti Smith, Courtney invented her own sexy, troubled and previously unseen genre. Most of all, Courtney Love showed us that just cause we’d been born a girl, nothing was forbidden. She opened the way, with her shabby sequins, glamour, rage and an innate sex appeal.”

- French Número magazine on Courtney Love, 2017

[toohardontheknees]

i wonder if i even have such “chronic depression” or if i just miss my mother so much that i latch on that sadness and feeling of void/desperation to everything and nothing ever feels or will feel fulfilling/sufficient enough to fill that void because i don’t know where to look at or even what to look for.

i feel lost like arriving to the cinema and being told that the movie stopped playing 20 years ago - where do i go now? there’s no one else here. everyone moved on, everyone else has somewhere else they know to go to. i don’t even remember the face of the person i miss. only that she was probably the answer to the huge question mark my life has been.

[toohardontheknees]

The little girl’s sense of secrecy that developed at prepuberty only grows in importance. She closes herself up in fierce solitude: she refuses to reveal to those around her the hidden self that she considers to be her real self and that is in fact an imaginary character: she plays at being a dancer like Tolstoy’s Natasha, or a saint like Marie Leneru, or simply the singular wonder that is herself. There is still an enormous difference between this heroine and the objective face that her parents and friends recognize in her. She is also convinced that she is misunderstood: her relationship with herself becomes even more passionate: she becomes intoxicated with her isolation, feels different, superior, exceptional: she promises that the future will take revenge on the mediocrity of her present life. From this narrow and petty existence she escapes by dreams.

Simone de Beauvoir, The Second Sex

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mom, i met her on tumblr dot com she’s totally normal and sane

[toohardontheknees]

fake ass idgafer. I saw you gazing off into the distance like you were looking at something far away, something no one else could see but you

[toohardontheknees]