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Maria Magdalena by Guido Cagnacci (1601 – 1663) | Germanic warrior with helmet by Osmar Schindler (1867 – 1927)

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Observed, Oil on Linen by Kim Jakobsson

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every day, i wait for you; with patience and rage. the wanting gnaws at me, teeth sinking deep into the vein, quietly drowning in vain. i love you in defeat, a beast crawling back to the hand that strikes and starves.

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i love you, and the love rots in your hands, my offerings turn putrid. there’s no winning in this world; every ending is doomed to ruin. i love you, and the love goes to waste.

how i wish i could carve the wanting out of me.

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there’s only so much being unwanted you can take; one day they leave, and the world keeps spinning, but the love doesn’t vanish.

for years, i go door to door, searching for familar faces in strangers. you say i never learn, but i do; i teach myself grief, a yearning i can’t shake. a love that feeds and defeats me.

i try to remember who i was before you, barefoot in the kitchen, dancing to obscure, avant garde russian pop. alone, i stopped translating the words and keep my apple orchard to myself. i remember going to uni half-drunk, sleeping through midterms, quitting internship after internship like they were dreams i was never meant to carry.

there was a winter i spent on the couch, playing video games until the habit of breathing returned to me, slow and begrudging.

i kept holding on.

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low quality posting tonight im drunk miserable and i just spent 2h on the phone with my ex i need to die. STAT.

no original posting tonight i need to get blackout drunk asap

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i saw you smile at them. i saw it. that crooked, sunlit curve that belongs to me alone—stolen, filthy now, tainted by their gaze. do you know what i did? i opened them up like a letter, love, red ribbons spilling sweet secrets across the floor. they screamed your name with their last breath, isn’t that romantic? i kept their teeth. i thought maybe i’d make you a necklace—something pretty, something personal. don’t be scared. i only do these things because i adore you. because no one else deserves to. not like i do. not ever.

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Teeth of the Valley

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im reiterating

no original posting tonight i need to get blackout drunk asap

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How could I leave you that easily? I'm always rotating around you in one way or another, always have been.

And who told you I didn't see you already?

/JOKING.

or not

Either way, I'm just kinda incapable of imagining faces too well, and the same curse is applied in my dreams, so that area was more blurry and distorted than anything.

I'm kinda aware of what you were going through, and I have so many things I'd like to tell you about that, but I'm afraid that would expose me a bit too much, so for now I can only wholeheartedly hope that at least now you are feeling somewhat better. Are you taking proper care of yourself? What have you been up to lately?

Regarding my health, I've had quite a few ups and downs, but eeehhhh, the little surprises I prepare for you distract me a bit from the suffering lol

Although sometimes my health pushes me to take involuntary hiatuses from your inbox, I never stop being present, not just in this particular account, nor in this app. Mwah Mwah.

✄

my apologies for doubting you; half the time, it feels like i’m talking to myself on this blog. which, honestly, is what i was looking for when i created this blog, but maybe that’s why it always catches me off guard when someone interacts with my work or sends me an ask. that being said, it’s always a welcome surprise; and i had been sincerely hoping you’d send word again. i missed you, i must admit. it is a little lonely here without you.

in all honesty, it is not entirely impossible that you have seen me. i’m exceedingly vain about my appearance (regrettably or not), so there are plenty of selfies on my first main, though far fewer on the currently active one, on the off chance you stumbled across one and somehow traced it back here.

and that’s so interesting... on the opposite, i have a vivid, visual imagination so in my mind’s eye, your face shifts with your tone; though i do picture you with a playful, cutting smile more often than not.

the past few weeks have been rough. i’ve been unmedicated for a while now, and i won’t be able to get a new prescription until july so we will be rawdogging life until then. hopefully nothing too catastrophic happens in the meantime, because i doubt i could hallucinate my way out of much. still buried in work, too.

i’m really sorry to hear you’re still struggling with your health. i sincerely hope you find some relief soon, truly. and for what it’s worth, i’m glad to be a distraction from the hurt, even just a small one.

take care, i'll be looking forward to hearing from you!