traumnovelledreamstory - Tumblr blog

[traumnovelledreamstory]

when franz kafka wrote “i cannot make you understand. i cannot make anyone understand what is happening inside me” and when sylvia plath wrote “can you understand? someone, somewhere, can you understand me a little, love me a little?”

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"𝗶 𝗹𝗼𝘃𝗲 𝘂. - 𝗶𝘁'𝗹𝗹 𝗽𝗮𝘀𝘀" . im almost 19. i have done nothing in my life other than feeling fucking empty, loving the wrong people, have some stupid attempts at killing myself, have alcohol and pills and lose potential, panicked about my phone battery, felt empty, felt empty, felt empty, felt fucking empty , listened to music in a way it wore me out, loved madonna like she's my mother in a non creepy way, loved taylor swift, loved robbie Williams because that's the greatest gift I ever got, loved a friend, loved radiohead, been conflicted about my mom, hated my mom, wished I'd have been aborted by my father who wanted abortion apparently, loved a few movies and shows, make some stupid promises i couldn't keep and fuck things up and feel empty.

I don't know what to do with it i just don't . i just don't hope its too late..

That actually sounds like a.. i just.. I mean I'm glad i watched fleabag it just affected me a bit too much for the moment.. and love does bring hope it's true.. i just don't understand why love brings pain more than pain itself.. if that makes sense.. im gonna die i feel hollow i just wanna cry and I will. I think..

Some far far relative not even related to me killed himself on Wednesday. He died by drowning. I felt the relief he must have felt. I'm sorry he died. I'm sorry.

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I f ing hate you so much oh god oh god oh god

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God im tired and empty

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I’m exhausted enough I could lay down in the street and fall asleep before the cars get to me

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Sometimes I think of my friend and just feel so awfully myself.. like the love i have for him.. the things I tell him .. and probably will never say to anyone else.. and then the all consuming sadness comes back.. idk why.. just happens.. i also made paper stars for a girl i just met and went to classes together for 2 weeks and will never see again.. do with that information what u will idk ..

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im high rn

i hate evrithing every fu king thing

fucking everything.. fuck fuck fuck fuck

STOP WITH THE FUCKING NOISES I WANNA KILL Y'ALL like CAN YOU NOT STFU FOR A DAY SHUTUPPPPPPPP I CAN'T TAKE IT stop the fucking noise

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💌 🎀 💌

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suicide... i know its not an option.. I'm sticking around for others only.. it's just this emptiness is so huge it's a burden now..

i wish to the stars.. this is just a wish..

if i die.. when I die.. I want the people i love to listen to this song and just let me be.. know im.. i finally felt relief after a lifetime of.. pain.. a pain that doesn't bring out the best in u .. or has any positive side.. over the yrs.. its like i declined as a person.. nothing happened..

And the song is:

This Used To Be My Playground (long version) - Madonna

💙💙💙💙

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how the gods above could be so unfair ?

i wish i could tell this woman how she has saved my life over and over again. she's like a mother to me. i love you m ❤️

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i think I'll listen to madonna before committing suicide.. radiohead too.. taylor swift... lana.. rw (robbie Williams) .. its so sad that there are so many things i love and am afraid to leave behind and never experience again but at the same time.. its fucking unbearable.. im too responsible to do it.. i don't wanna traumatize anyone.. so i probably really won't.. but i won't mind if the doctor told me i had two months left to live or shit like that.. im so tired.. so tired i don't think ive experienced this amount of tiredness ever in my life. EVERYTHING hurts.. EVERYTHING triggers me ..

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What if suicide IS the only answer?

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i sing the lord's euthanasia blues