trustinspaghetti

[trustinspaghetti]

290220 (2)

trying to pick yourself up when you are all on your own with no loved ones being physically/geographically near you is HARD.

i am trying to push myself everyday.

i send my parents photos of me testing my limits, breaking food rules, eating with friends, etc.

this is NOT the time to relapse.

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"in adulthood, no one gives you marks for getting the answer right." (second time i quote this on this account)

you know what's best for you.

and what's best for me right now is certainly not trapped inside the body of an old lady or a little immature kid aka an eating disorder.

i want to grow.

i want to know

how it feels

to be healed.

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it will be alright.

x

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P/S: this is NOT everything i eat in a day. they're just fear foods that i overcame. i DO eat more than this!! a lot. breakfast is a must & issa everyday thing so i don't bother taking same old lame photos of buttered toasts anymore.

[trustinspaghetti]

290220

hello. here's my week in a few fear food accomplishments.

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i can not take photos or videos of everything i ate because

(1) i can't keep track. i've been eating everywhere and everything that happens to be around or nearby that i want to eat, or is given to me. that includes chocolate bars from my friends, from school festivals; unexpected snacks at spontaneous snack times by my host parents; and cakes, lots of them.

(2) i eat sandwich with different fillings but always mayonnaise/cream cheese and a packet of biscuits every lunch. it's rather boring.

(3) i had toasts with peanut butter or just plain butter spread everyday.

(4) the awkwardness of others waiting for you to finish taking a photo before touching the food.

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i have been dealing with stuff.

i will make a list of reasons to recover since i lose hope sometimes.

i find myself pointless. i compare myself to my friends and others a lot more.

they seem to know exactly where they are going, and they actually are going there.

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sorry for the rant. i'll update on the list asap!

[trustinspaghetti]

230220

unexpected update: here i come.

i'm currently in canberra, australia rn as an international student, year 11.

i'm staying with my homestay family, australia, 75 and 61 years old.

i'm still struggling at times with the ed voices & terrible urges.

here's what i ate today, (i did not record everything bc it's impolite & weird to do that every time in front of my host. so yeah, keep in mind that i do fiddle-farting around & eat more than what is shown)

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breakfast: super duper thicc oatmeal with full-cream milk, whey powder, nutmeg, cinnamon, & salted mixed nuts. (i went for more nuts & poured in more milk)

i also had a cup of hot chocolate made by my host.

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morning snack: 4 cheese crackers (not photographed), very spontaneous.

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lunch: (despite my hosts having salad for lunch) i went for canned tuna in oil w tomato sauce & cream cheese spread sandwich.

(my host family tends to have salad a lot. they're also very triggering at times. i'll tell in further details in my next post)

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arvo: a slice of baked banana cake & EXTRA cream cheese. i guess im addicted to cheese.

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dinner: 1/4 loaf of home-baked white bread (that weird mushroom-looking thing bc we put in too much flour, it overflowed), heavily spread with butter (used to be my fear but it's slowly becoming my fav thing rn); fried chicken snitzels, some veggies w CROUTONS & mayonnaise.

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night snack: 3 SLICES of banana cake, & i dumped the entire bowl of cream cheese topping on top of my slice.

dang.

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that's one heck of a comeback. it's the start of NEDA's ed awareness week. i want to update more frequently on this acc to keep myself on track.

there's a lot of things i wanna get out there. and i figured here's a good platform to say.

god forbid, i don't want to relapse.

i'll see you very very soon.

x

[trustinspaghetti]

this user is recovering

[trustinspaghetti]

Things to count instead of calories:

-dogs you see

-times you smile

-leaves on a flower

-friends who want you to be happy

-tasty things you enjoy eating during the day

[trustinspaghetti]

121019

a good-enough-day-to-upload:

(also, HAPPY LATE NATIONAL COMING OUT DAY and LATE LATE MENTAL HEALTH CARE DAY!

every day should be mental health care day ffs.

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i had buttered cheesy scrambled eggs this morning with bread.

i sat down for a breakfast and actually liked the taste of butter & cheese melting in my tongue as i swallowed it down my throat.

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i tried to shut down the voices of my head telling myself that im too fat to continue eating this way (meal plans & stuffs).

i forgot to take photos of my lunch and snacks (because yeah, i should not depend so much on photos before meals).

it was vermicelli with chicken and snack was cookies & nuts.

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mom made spaghetti for dinner 🍝 as it has always been me & my sister's favorite.

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how do you learn to love/accept yourself? im curious and i need to know the answer. :(

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night snack, and i should bury my head in studying instead of being insecured.

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im sorry if this post is kind of a rant. my head is full of somewhat-not-good thoughts. they'll disappear eventually.

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i just want people to be happy.

[trustinspaghetti]

non-food related recovery tasks

stop using appetite suppressants (nicotine included!)

learn to appreciate your face without makeup

stop sucking in your stomach and constantly posing yourself

start wearing things you find cute with the body you have now

stop looking at your reflection in every window you pass

donate/sell clothes that don’t fit

stop editing your selfies or hiding behind filters

learn to accept compliments. learn to give them.

stop relating every aspect of your life to a greater “aesthetic”. quit stylizing your life.

[trustinspaghetti]

061019

i feel like i upload a lot of sad days on my instagram story, and that i should at least upload a good day.

i think i enjoy good days too much that i just want to keep it to myself and don't want to share it to others.

is that selfish?

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anyway, me and my dad went to an outdoor japanese event party.

i tried to focus on the moment and not on the negative thoughts (because i have so many of them).

we very much enjoyed it. the live music was great; the event turned out very lovely; the people was nice; the japanese culture has always been my dad's favorite.

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update on myself: i'm not sure right now. the thoughts are still there. i've been keeping myself busy with studying and writing stuffs.

important update: i'm homeschooled now (it's been 2 months). we thought it is the best for me & for my studying. so here i am.

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the food in the photo: first photo: (dinner) bento box - sushi rolls, meat, grilled mushrooms, okonomiyaki, edamame.

the video: japanese traditional dance (is it yosakoi? please correct me if im wrong, i can't find the name of it anywhere)

second photo: (night snack as always) yoghurt with a big banana buddy, a kiwi, lots of grapes, lots of nuts, and lots of love.

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stay kind and hopeful.

[trustinspaghetti]

080919

🍫 🍨

i fight over myself a lot about having this pint party, because of several stupid things:

1. i'm at recovered weight so somehow "i don't deserve it"

2. i could eat yoghurt or some other snacks, why ice cream? why the whole pint?

3. it's freaking chocolate, it scares me.

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dad bought me this pint from the market without telling me. and i KNOW for sure if i keep this thoughts & keep avoiding ice-cream, i cannot recover fully.

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here's a full pint to recovery. i toast to myself and the road ahead. you shouldn't feel shameful after eating ice-cream. someday is just bad & a pint of chocolate ice-cream could do.

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(ab myself: i may have gained even more weight lately. i haven't weighed myself yet, but i can feel it everywhere.

i hope this won't affect the way i feel about myself nor how others perceive me and how much they love me.)

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also, there have been a lot of accidents lately that i saw on the street or in my school. stay safe, and pray, be kind to yourself and others.

you must know how precious life is.

[trustinspaghetti]

“Is This Healthy” is a comic that I made for an independent study in which I looked deeper into the idea of health, mental, physical, and emotional as it relates to myself.

This project was extremely personal and I thank any of you who take the time to read it

[trustinspaghetti]

020919

sooo,

i made myself a grande breakfast of eight-layers-banana-pancake,

with

(guess what?), BUTTER!

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it took me a lot of courage to fully follow the pancake récipé & not cutting or restricting

and it also took me just 10mins to finish them all.

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i've been dealing with some stuffs lately & i can't keep you guys up-to-date.

im still doing minnie maud because i cannot fully trust my hunger cues.

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body image is still a big sad mess but im working on it.

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still don't have friends at school or too afraid & panicked to talk to someone without sweating or making myself super awkward.

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*screams* my thighs!

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but then i promise you everything will be alright like all the song lyrics.

recovery feels uglier & uglier, yet it keeps making things better.

🥞

[trustinspaghetti]

Reasons to Recover from Your Eating Disorder

You won’t have to go through life worrying about every single calorie and every single meal. 

You can enjoy dinner with your family without panicking about it. 

You can live life without it revolving around food. 

You won’t have to lie to the people you care about anymore.

You can actually have fun on your birthday.

Fighting with people you care about over whether or not you’ve eaten is boring and painful. 

Because there is more to life than food. 

Because losing friends is not fun. 

You can enjoy social occasions without worrying about food.

You won’t feel so constantly exhausted and drained all the time.

Thinking and dreaming about and being consumed by food is no way to live.

Feeling dizzy and cold and tired keeps you from living a happy, fulfilling life.

Recovery will give you the chance to LIVE and to be alive, rather than just existing.

Because you deserve to have happy thoughts in your head, instead of numbers. 

Your recovery can inspire and aid the recovery of others. Instead of passing on disordered behavior, you can pass on health and support and encouragement. 

Your skin will improve, as will your mental clarity. Eating right (and enough) can greatly help symptoms of depression and anxiety.

Because you don’t deserve to cry yourself to sleep anymore.

You deserve to be able to genuinely smile again. 

You deserve to be able to go outside and enjoy your day without worrying about what you’re wearing and whether or not you look okay. 

You won’t have to waste money on food to binge on anymore.

Your feet and legs will stop falling asleep and going numb when you sit down.

Your hair will stop falling out.

Your skin will finally be able to heal itself. You deserve to be glowing. 

It’s nice to not feel like death anymore. 

It’s nice to not smell like vomit anymore. 

It’s nice to be able to go out and actually enjoy yourself again. 

Your general health will improve and you’ll be less susceptible to colds and viruses. 

You won’t have to feel guilty about breaking your promises. 

You won’t have to lie to everyone around you. 

You’ll be able to go out and dance at parties/bars/clubs without feeling weak and dizzy.

If you’re fortunate enough to still have healthy teeth, recovery will prevent them from rotting. 

You are worth so much more than just a number on a scale. 

It’s nice to not be constantly cold and nauseous all the time. 

Because crying in your room is never a good way to spend a Friday night.

You can finally live without guilt. Guilt that you ate when you didn’t think you deserved to eat. Guilt that you haven’t eaten and you’re letting loved ones down. Guilt that you binged. Guilt that you purged. Guilt that deep down you’ve forgotten how to love yourself. 

Your bones won’t be brittle and easy to break anymore. 

You’ll be able to sleep at night without hunger pains keeping you awake.

Be confident again. 

So you don’t feel like a complete & utter hypocrite when trying to help someone that is in the same position as you.

So you can enjoy “family time” & not worry about eating “bad food”

So that you don’t spit up after eating because your esophagus is so fucked up from purging. 

So you don’t miss out on life. 

Because it’s nice waking up and thinking about what art you can create, what places you can explore, what books you can read, what people you can meet, what songs you can sing, what sports you can play, instead of thinking about what you’re going to eat and not eat that day.

Watching Netflix is a lot more fun than watching “thinspiration” videos. 

It’s nice to wake up in the morning with energy, instead of waking up tired from not eating, or sick from binging. 

So that you can get up in the morning and see clearly, instead of seeing spots or having black vision as you try to sit up. 

You deserve to love yourself again. 

You deserve to accept love from those around you again. 

You deserve to be able to go shopping without having panic attacks and breakdowns in the changing room. 

You can eat your favorite foods without guilt and anxiety. 

You’ll have enough energy to do the things you enjoy. 

You can be active, and run or play sports for the fun of it, not for weight loss. 

You can have a life again. 

You’ll be able to sleep at night. 

Aren’t you tired of feeling worthless and guilty?

You’ll be able to go out without thinking that everyone is staring at you. 

Go into a grocery store feeling safe. 

You won’t have to be scared of going to the doctor anymore.

You won’t have to excuse yourself from work or social events to purge.

Recover so you don’t have to see the scared, heartbroken look on your mother’s face when she hears you purging. 

Recover so you can go on a date and feel happy and not worry.

Recover so that you can share your story and help others recover. 

You won’t have to waste any more money on laxatives. 

Your eating disorder won’t be feeding your anxiety and depression anymore.

ALL of us deserve a better life than ED hell. 

You’ll be able to have children someday if you want to. 

So you can make spontaneous plans to go out, and not have to check or worry if they’ll “fit in” with the eating disorder.

So you can spend time having interesting conversations with people, without your mind wandering off to do calorie counts.

You don’t have to feel guilty when people buy you food, because you won’t have to waste it anymore. 

So you can live a happy, free, fulfilled life. 

So you can feel unafraid for the first time in a long time. 

So you can have and actually sustain healthy relationships with people (family, friends, significant other) without the eating disorder causing fights and pushing them away. 

You can walk around town with a friend or go to events without worrying about passing out. 

You don’t have to lie awake at night worrying about the damage you’re doing to yourself. 

When you give your body the fuel it needs, your physical AND mental health will improve. Your self-confidence will improve. 

You can get your natural skin tone back, and not look gray and sickly pale all the time.

Your blood pressure and heart rate will go back to normal. 

You’ll be able to enjoy hot baths and showers again.  

You won’t have so much gas or bloating or stomach pains anymore. Your intestinal and digestive health will slowly heal itself. 

You can stop punishing yourself for eating. 

You can sit up for more than 10 minutes without your stomach hurting.

You won’t have to debate for an hour before eating an apple. 

Your room won’t smell like vomit and moldy food. 

So you don’t get up in the middle of the night feeling as though you need to do 300 sit-ups before you can sleep and then spend all day feeling tired, and ill.

You won’t trigger others anymore. 

So you dont end up in hospital at 3am because your bowels are bleeding due to your ED

You won’t be constantly dehydrated anymore.

When you look back on your life, you’ll have happy memories too, not just empty memories of anorexia / bulimia

You won’t have constant headaches anymore.

You won’t have to isolate yourself anymore.

Because life can, and should be, so much more.

Please feel free to add onto this list, and share your own stories and reasons for recovery. I love you guys and my inbox is always open. 

[trustinspaghetti]

recovery is fucking hard.

i can not imagine how people romanticise eating disorder recovery as im struggling through it.

recovery makes me feel uglier & uglier, yet, it keeps making things better & better.

you don't know how much my family have to suffer hearing me cry & tell them i want to kill myself or me looking physically ill after eating too much.

fully recovered sounds like a miracle to me & i yearn for a better future of me not spending the day staring at others' legs & feel my head spinning 24/7.

im happy that my weight is now at a "healthy bmi" (even if it's just half-happy because mentally im not ready). im sick of you people who make fun of ed recovery, or think of it as a joke, or saying that "full recovery" is not possible.

The internet glorifies eating disorder recovery. It makes it look like there are girls out there who eat lots (they don’t) and can stay thin. It’s all pint parties and romantic looking hospital trips and being skinny with no visible consequences. Platforms like Instagram do not promote full recovery because to be ‘fully recovered’ would mean, in most cases, leaving the cosy, comfortable Instagram community and going out there and facing the messy reality of life. And that’s not ‘Instagram ready’.

Instagram does not show what life is like 5,10, 15 years down the line. When treatment teams have given up on you, you’re ‘non-compliant’, when going to psychologist/psychiatrist/dietitian/nurse appointments is boring and simply rehashing well worn ground. You’re 25 and sitting in a cold apartment, wishing you could afford pints of B&J’s but all your cash goes on gas and electricity and water rates and toilet roll. You get up, go to work, think of food. Your friends, bless them for trying for so long, have given up; they have travelled, they’ve bought houses, they’re married. You’ve never even had a relationship, never mind walked down the aisle. While those around you start to have babies and worry about sleepless nights, you worry about the calorie difference between cornflakes and cheerios. 

I never thought I’d reach this age and still have my ED. Two seconds ago I was a teenager, a little girl who thought she’d just wake up magically better with a career and money and friends and a husband. I didn’t need to do the therapy, stick to my meal plan, ohhhh no. Then BAM, here I am. 

Listen to me - time flies. It passes so quickly. Don’t believe in the recovery facade. Get out, or at least start climbing that ladder, before you wake up alone with only 8 years worth of meal lists and missed opportunities next to you. 

[trustinspaghetti]

220819

i can't believe i'm checking in again.

i thought i didn't want to.

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this account is what keeps me accountable & prevents me from relapsing,

it's my process & i've come so far i cannot come back right now.

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again, i like reading back all your dms & it helps cheering me up, reminds me of the good days.

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real good tip here: TURN OFF THE LIGHTS WHEN YOU'RE SHOWERING!

i can't stress enough how helpfull it is.

(oh, i'm not *that* scared of "ghosts & haunted demons"

but when you're really down & sad then "ghouls & monsters can be your comfort friends". 👼

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(in the second photo you see my SAT ticket on the board so yeah, it's what has been keeping my head up lately 🎫)

[trustinspaghetti]

Hollyhock, Primrose, or Tropical White Morning glory

“hollyhock” - my ideal day: waking up at 5:30 in the morning, do several stretching variations for ballet, a nice breakfast, a book to read, a topic to research on, stable mood, go boxing (it’s been my favorite), singing in the shower, finish my work of the day, hearty dessert before bed & go to bed early (like an old lady)

“primrose” - my ideal life: get into a nice affordable & suitable college to study neuroscience, have a proper job as a scientist, teach in college and do researches on my own, have a nice partner & a kid, take good care of my parents, be patient, get a ph.d, devote to the society.

(this question suddenly makes me feel grateful and hopeful for the future, so thank you a lot for asking)

“tropical white morning glory” - my aesthetic: sings musical in the early morning, neuroscience books and research papers everywhere, would kill for christipher nolan’s films, gets curious and asks about everything, takes photos of the stars through the telescope at night, thick thighs for ballet and kickboxing, eats everything while studying

(bECAUSE BRAIN IN STARVING FOR KNOWLEDGE!)

[trustinspaghetti]

Hollyshock /lilac?

“hollyhock” - my ideal day: waking up at 5:30 in the morning, do several stretching variations for ballet, a nice breakfast, a book to read, a topic to research on, stable mood, go boxing (it’s been my favorite), singing in the shower, finish my work of the day, hearty dessert before bed & go to bed early (like an old lady)

“lilac” - something i like to do as a child: crafting, designing houses out of carton & shoes boxes, writing my own plays & perform them in front of my family, pretending to be a cowboy/pirate/princess/captain/fairy/wicked witch.

 i was an imaginative kids with not to many friends & how come your question left me feeling so emotional. ahh, memories. 

[trustinspaghetti]