trying-not-to-be-depressed - Tumblr blog

[trying-not-to-be-depressed]

I have literally no-one that I can talk to about what I'm feeling right now and if what I'm scared is going to happen happens I dont know what I'm going to do

[trying-not-to-be-depressed]

I'm tired of feeling like shit all the time. But apparently there's nothing I can do about it.

[trying-not-to-be-depressed]

I love that the same bullshit that keeps me up at my house is keeping me up at my boyfriend's place. Why can't I have one night without insomnia and panic attacks. I had to fucking lay on the floor cause I can't sleep and I'm freaking out and don't want to start crying right next to him and there's no room but now I want to go back cause I can't handle anything right now and want to be near him but me staying over was supposed to be for him to feel better and I don't want to make things abt me. I feel stupid and whiny for even posting this even though no ones ever going to see this. I just wish I could be ok and a normal person for one freaking night.

[trying-not-to-be-depressed]

[trying-not-to-be-depressed]

I've been thinking and what's the point on even living if I'm going to be miserable all the time. I cant think of anything without hating myself. I honestly don't have anything at this point. I've fucked myself into a corner with everything. Everyday I just wake up sit around doing nothing. I tell myself I'm going to text my bestfriend but I cant force myself to do it even though I desperately want to talk to someone and i have absolutely no reason not to talk to her. I try not to text my boyfriend too much and just wait to see if he wants to call cause I know I'm too clingy and I don't want to annoy him. I avoid my parents because I know they think I'm just an annoying stupid manipulative kid who does everything for attention and to get my way. I wish I would have just killed myself when I was still in Columbia so I wouldn't have grown up to be such a massive waste of space. All I do by existing is burden other people. If I weren't here so many other people would be happy. Maybe my mom would still be alive. Idk it's too late now I'm too much of a fucking pussy to kill myself and I hate myself more for that. I'm just waiting for somthing else to do me in at this point. It's starting to hurt when I breathe so hey maybe I've got ducking lung cancer.

[trying-not-to-be-depressed]

I cant ger help I try to get help but o just cant get help I wont get help I'll never get help I dont deserve the help I just cant and i just dont know what to i can do i can get help i can give help i mess things up all the time I ruin everything good and make it worse and more broken and bad and I just cant I never help anyone I just suck the life and the caring out of everything and everyone and I just want it to end I just want to get help. But my help is gone I dont have my help and I'll never have it again even though I only ever had it for a short period of time and the other help just wasted real and just didn't actually help cause in broke it and I'm sorry I'm really really really sorry i i really am sorry I'm so sorry i shouldn't have even continued existing i know people just pit up with me and because of who I was born i cant go if i want a son i could go if i was t a boyfriend i could go but I cant go I'm stuck and I'm trapped here but I just really really really really want to go and I just really want to go away now please I just make things worse and I'm sorry I souldent exist I'm sorry. I just feel so bad and like I'm crazy and I hate it so much I just dont want this anymore I just dont want this anymore please

[trying-not-to-be-depressed]

“my battery is low and it’s getting dark” is so hauntingly human, so crushingly lonely. I can’t articulate the deep, profound ache that sentence evokes. It’s acceptance and defeat and terror and sadness all at once, all from one tiny machine we asked to explore the stars for us.

[trying-not-to-be-depressed]

I'm dumb and mad and anxious and just want to lay in bed until I die

[trying-not-to-be-depressed]

I just love sharp stabbing pains of sadness and wanting to cry

[trying-not-to-be-depressed]

This is tw ig but I know I'm not going to tell anyone but I need to put it somewhere. Just I'm such a shitty fucking person and I've been hateing myself more and more lately and I've been suicidal for a while and today is the first time in a while that I actually sat there with pills contemplating whether I should just end it. Well I didn't and I hate that I didn't cause I know It's inevitable at this point. I know it's going to happen. I know that I'm not going to just live and ok. I fuck up everything good in my life and whenever I start getting back on track something else shitty happens to me. I don't deserve any of the people that love me. I feel like I'm tricking them. I'm not nice im not deserving of your worry. I don't deserve anyone around me's love. I just wish I fucking did it today. I wish I just would have taken those pills and this would all be over. But no I was too much of a pussy to actually do it.

[trying-not-to-be-depressed]

“I’m afraid of the way that I live my life

I’m afraid of the way I don’t

I’m afraid of the things that I want to do but I won’t”

Big Bird- Andrew Jackson Jihad

[trying-not-to-be-depressed]

what is wrong with me why do i keep crying after calls why do i feel like such shit all the time i hate this

[trying-not-to-be-depressed]

“I don’t want to die, I just don’t want to exist any more” sounds mild if you’ve never experienced it, but it is in fact a horrible, violent way to feel.

[trying-not-to-be-depressed]

hhh big storms are scary and im trying not to hyperventilate 

[trying-not-to-be-depressed]

im tied my eyes hurt i feel bad and want to cry

[trying-not-to-be-depressed]

god im so stupid and i say such stupid things and i dont know if people take things the way i mean them please just let this be another one of my bad dreams where i have a panic attack and accidentally fuck up somthing with a text please dont let this be real

[trying-not-to-be-depressed]

i hate trich i hate derma i hate my body i hate my life im a horrible person and i just want to go away