tryingtokeepmyplantsalive

[tryingtokeepmyplantsalive]

I wanted to masturbate in the living room on the couch with porn on the big screen and I put a towel down but I wasn't expecting to squirt and it soaked through the towel onto the couch and my favorite spot is damp so I have to sit on the other sides but that's probably a good thing because my neck has been hurting from keeping it twisted at ana angle for too long.

[tryingtokeepmyplantsalive]

Feeling Quite Anxious

I'm a bit under the weather, but I had to go to work anyway. I came in several hours late and as a result it inconvenienced some of my coworkers. I may have overshared and been a bit too cavalier when discussing my desire to leave. I definitely didn't accomplish as much as I would have liked, but I'm sick! I guess I should be thinking about it in the sense that it would be fine if I didn't accomplish anything at all since I should be resting. I think this is one of the reasons why I want out. There's a certain mindset, that may just be universal, but it feels especially pervasive in STEM where work takes priority over all else. I want to live. I want to feel close to people.

I may have been too plugged in today. While I was "resting" I probably played too many video games. I've just been too tired and mentally sluggish to do much else. I guess I am sick. It just doesn't feel good, but I guess it doesn't have to. Once I rest I'll probably feel better. Maybe next week.

[tryingtokeepmyplantsalive]

Self-Medicating

I'm in a bit of a funk right now. I have a huge deadline on Friday and I can't bring myself to work towards a successful presentation. I started my period yesterday and that's affected my mood for sure. But I've also just been in cycles of motivation and demotivation. That's kind of been the story of my life, and a tremendous source of frustration for me. I try so hard to make myself happy, or at least content but I just can't stay there. Things always get bad again.

I've definitely made progress with understanding this cycle. I've been ignoring parts of myself and neglecting my needs, so of course things break down. I guess you could think of it like driving with the check engine light on then being confused when your car doesn't start one day.

It's been a difficult process, getting to know myself. It's involved realizing that I no longer believe things I was taught as a child and recontextualizing formative memories with my current understanding of the world. That's not easy, and I've been doing it more or less alone. Part of that process has been letting people see a vulnerable side of myself, but I'm still only comfortable sharing things that I feel I somewhat understand. I haven't gotten to the point where I can share my confusion, so that's become its own burden in a way.

In doing all of this work I've accepted that I' 'm not on the right track. I don't like what I'm doing and the ends do not justify the means (if that phrase even applies here). I'm essentially back where I was after finishing undergrad. What I'm doing doesn't feel important, but I don't know how I can make a living doing something that feels right to me.

I'm trying to understand the decisions I made when I was younger, because given the facts of the case, they just don't make sense. I don't think I'm an irrational person, so I think there was a lot of implicit logical steps that I've yet to recognize.

For example, I'm realizing how important feeling smart was to my identity. I could make friends, but I was never popular, and I never felt deep connection to people. People would compliment my appearance occasionally, but I could never believe them. I figured they were just saying it to be nice since attractive people were desirable, and I was not desirable. I only believed I was smart because I saw evidence of my intelligence - good grades, awards, high rankings - other people recognizing that I was good at school. So this became an important part of my self worth. This is something that society values that I have, and so I clung to it.

I transferred high schools between sophomore and junior year. I was in AP classes before transferring and I had intended to stay on the same track at my new school. However, the administration placed me in honors instead. One of my math teachers saw that I was academically gifted and became an advocate to put me in classes that would challenge me. Even though he was a strange man, him believing in me and investing is time in setting me up for success made me respect his opinions. So when I asked him for career advice and he said that people in the hard sciences tend to be brighter than those in social sciences, I took that to heart, even subconsciously.

I think this is partially why I stayed in hard sciences even when it was starting to feel forced. My reasoning wasn't totally that shallow, though. I'd bought into propaganda. As a kid, we were told to go to college and that's how you get a good paying job and live a stable, productive life. That was beginning to break down with the classes before me, so the narrative shifted to 'get a good engineering or computer science degree if you want a high paying job.' Simultaneously, you should love what you do, but don't be surprised if you become an art major and starve. Go to college, but don't pick a useless major like English, pick something that will get you a job. There's no shame in learning a trade, but also you're wasting your talent if you have good grades and you become a plumber.

So even with my belief that all work is important, there was understandably some cognitive dissonance. In the same way that I could believe that someone else not being the most beautiful or charismatic or popular or educated didn't make them a less valuable human being, but could consider offing myself because those traits made me repugnant.

I still don't understand why I'm so out of love with life today. Articulating these feelings has been cathartic, but I haven't gotten to the root of the problem. I'm still tired. I still don't want to do anything, not even this.

I may change the title, but I initially called it "self-medicating" because I was considering taking an edible. It's not the best idea, and I think it's a slippery slope. Taking recreational drugs the middle of the day during the work week while I have an impending deadline is irresponsible, and something I would have never considered doing even a year ago. And if I do it again this will make the second time in a month.

The last time was in a very similar situation - I had a big deadline coming up, I couldn't focus and I was thinking very dark thoughts. I not only couldn't find the motivation to do the work I needed to, but I couldn't find a reason to do anything. I couldn't think of anything that would be fun or worth doing. There would be a zero percent chance of it getting done if I was that depressed, so if I was going to have a chance at doing the work, I needed to find joy in life again. A quick and easy way to do that was an edible.

And it worked. Things felt good again, and I was able to find the energy to take care of myself. I needed the dimming effect to feel better, but it overstayed it's welcome and I couldn't do the work when I felt like it. I told myself that I wouldn't do that again because... I don't remember why exactly. It's irresponsible? It worked, but not perfectly, so it's bad? Most things don't work perfectly, even prescriptions given by doctors. I need to develop my own philosophy on these types of things because my current impressions are informed by my conservative upbringing which instilled a lot of ideals in my that I don't believe to be true anymore.

It's so scary carving your own path in life, because I'm well aware that I could be wrong about things. I actually probably am, but that's part of figuring things out. I just need time and space, but this world is so unforgiving. I'm so scared of everything, absolutely everything it's kept me trapped doing things I don't like for systems I hate.

I don't think I'm going to take the edible today, but there's something nice about having the thought that I wouldn't necessarily be wrong if I did. It's unconventional, but it would be me responding to how I feel with kindness. Trying to ease my own suffering, which, if you can believe it, hasn't been a habit of mine. Not consciously, at least. So I'll take this as a win, as strange as it might seem. Instead of just white knuckling it through life, it's okay to do what's best for myself. Now I just need to figure out what that is.

[tryingtokeepmyplantsalive]

I'd do anything for a way out

This phrase has repeated in my head for years, but I felt tstuck. I was stuck. I weep for the version of myself who was so desperate to live a different life but being so paralyzed by fear that death seemed preferable. I guess I'm still her. I'd do anything for a way out.

I don't like chemistry. I don't find it interesting. Everyone is too serious. Too much is expected of me. I didn't think things could be different. I'm still not sure how different they could be. I took a break, but didn't make good use of it. I was supposed to get out in the world and try things, but I didn't.

He was holding me back. He didn't want me to find myself, because that might mean I wouldn't want to be with him anymore. It never even occured to him to consider what would be best for me because he only cared about what wes best for him. I was so insecure and felt so worthless and was accustomed to abuse, so a bare minimum chicken shit man felt like heaven. This is mean, but I have a right to be mad. It's fucked up. It's not fair that I felt so worthless for so long.

It's a story I've told a few times, but there was a time when I was ~15 when I felt so worthless that I shed tears of gratitude when a stranger held a door for me. My heart drops even remembering feeling so low. I tell him these things and he forgets, or doesn't listen in the first place.

He hurt me. He kept pushing til he went too far and when he realized he fucked up he bought me chocolate covered strawberries. More thoughtful than usual. "Because you're feeling down..." More like "Sorry I steamrolled your boundaries leading you to feel resulted. Here's $6+tax." Pathetic.

__

Am I bullying you?

Yes, but that's okay.

No, it's not. What's wrong?

It's just that when you say 'you need to pay attention to me and what I like' it makes me feel like I'm Homer Simpson, and can't do anything right.

I don't think you should feel bad because we all have to learn sometime

__

I think I'm too nice. You should feel bad, because wittingly or unwittingly you took advantage of my naivety. You liked that I didn't expect as much from you as your past girlfriends, so much so that you told me that to my stupid fucking face. I wasn't stupid, I was traumatized.

We told each other when we felt most loved by the other. You said when I made you a cake for your 26th birthday, and when your dog died unexpectedly.

I said when I fell off of my bike and you took care of me. "You didn' t call me a dumbass, you said we could walk and didn'c complain about going slow, you were gentle and you took care of me." That is love; but why is it so rare? Why have I grown to expect hostility after being hurt?

Your dad doesn't treat your mom very well, in my humble opinion. Is that where you learned it? We were raised in a misogynistic culture; that certainly didn't help. But is it my job to deconstruct that and tell you why you're misguided? I have my own shit to figure out.

He doesn't know how to lovebomb. He doesn't know how to love at all. It's really a sad train of thought trying to figure out if the man you loved was a bumbling idiot or intentionally manipulative. Neither is good, but I'm having trouble identifying a kinder alternative. How could he also be so niave? I don't think he was. Who knows? Whatever.

I've written so many words about this man, and I could weep about the lack of safety and support I had growing up. Someone so disinterested in me as a person somehow became the safest person in my life. I didn't talk about my concerns with my parents or sisters or friends. I'm scared to say anything critical of the people I love. Why? Is my love so fragile that it could be shattered by a single shortcoming?

I feel like I need to start over. I don't think we can stay together, because now I know you would treat me as poorly as I let you. I can't do that.

It's funny how I'll think one thing is bothering me, but it's really something else.

It's not all his fault. It's not fair to expect someone to fix problems you didn't even know you had. Hell, my therapist wasn't even on the right track in my opinion, and she's academically more qualified than either of us.

The way things started was nothing but red flags. And yet, I was given space. Kind of. Again, I wasn't treated well by my current standards.

I definitely needed to get all of that off of my chest, but I need to think carefully about what to do next. Growing up has been so hard, but it's worth it to not feel so scared and impotent all the time.

[tryingtokeepmyplantsalive]

[Redacted] is my boss' boss and I like him more than I probably should. I feel like I'm flirting when I talk to him, and it's kind of nice. I don't get flirted with often. And he's kind of a silver fox. I'm sure I'm misreading signals; that's not uncommon for me. I fear I've grown so accustomed to poor treatment that whenever I'm treated well I expect it's because of sexual interest. Sad. I think he tried to hug me once a while ago. I wish I'd done it. I was confused. Why do I want this for myself? Just last night I was thinking about undergrad and how their lives are much less interesting to me now than I thought would be possible.

I find myself in a position where I feel qualified to have a strong opinion on age gap relationships. In the past I've sought out relationships with men much older than myself. At this point, I'm old enough to be on the mature end of an age gap relationship, and I'm around people who are young and beautiful and don't interest me in pursuing because we're in different phases of life. I know how condescending that sounds when you are that age, but tragically it is true, no matter how smart you are. And I would argue that the "maturity" argument is purely manipulation most, if not all of the time.

An aspect that I didn't expect is how different people in their late teens and early 20s look to me now. It's partially projection - they look like I did when I was less experienced, and more vulnerable, and so engage with them as though they were that version of myself. I have a lot of compassion, appreciation, affection for that version of myself. I think she's adorable, but I feel nothing approaching lust. I don't know if this is a good or healthy approach, but it's how I feel right now, and is one reason why I'm suspicious of older people pursuing much younger people for sex and relationships.

I remember being in high school and being appalled at how grown up I thought my peers and I looked when I was in middle school. Repeat that for every marker of advancement. Still, I was under the impression that after reaching adulthood - real adulthood those lines would be blurred and people would just be people. Age wouldn't matter. 25 and 21 is a fine pairing because they're both adults, but when life is just starting out - real life not whatever we have going on in childhood - perspective changes so much in so little time. Maybe when I'm 30 I'll look back at myself now and feel like I understand enough about life now to be on equal footing in a relationship with a 30 year old. I don't know as much as I will, but I at least have the tools and framework to understand things better than I did when I was 21. I suppose only time will tell.

I've already mentioned that this philosophy - a 25 year old dating a 21 year old is questionable - is rooted in projection. Actually, laying out my logic in the simplest way possible sounds insane: a 25 year old dating a 21 year old might be wrong, because I'm 25 now and I wouldn't want to date my 21 year old self. That's crazy. But it felt like it made sense as I was typing it. I guess I need to think more deeply about the issue. I don't care to do that right now, though.

[tryingtokeepmyplantsalive]

I'm snowed in and my feelings are hurt

I was told an idea I had that I didn't even think was good wasn't good and now my feelings are hurt. I guess I was joking, but still. Without even thinking about it I said something that would hurt his feelings, since we're being callous with our language around here. You made me feel stupid so now I get to make you feel stupid. I shouldn't have done that.

In a way this is growth for me. I used to simply internalize negativity and accept/ignore other people's flaws. I've never been combative; I never thought to defend myself, but I did just now in a way. I know this isn't a mature way of handling things, but it's at least me responding to my feelings and I'm proud of myself for that. Now I need to figure out how to make things right.

I'll explain the situation and apologize. I didn't mean to make you feel bad about yourself. I mean I guess I did, but only because you hurt my feelings first.

I guess the real question is why I was so deeply cut by very mild criticism in the first place. Like I said before, I didn't think the idea was good. I guess the problem was that I just want space to work through things without judgement. It wasn't a serious suggestion. I felt rejected. This is a repeated pattern for me. I don't know everything. Please be gentle with me.

Cry Cry. I'm on my period, I'm sensitive. You didn't know that would hurt my feelings. I don't think you'd understand why even if I tried to tell you.

I want to go to work to work. I don't want to be here with him right now. He keeps bothering me. I need to figure out how to feel better. I'd love to leave, but I'm snowed in. Stuck. This feels familiar in a bad way.

I'll talk about how my agency was extremely limited growing up. My world was so small. Maybe it was my fault for bringing up the financial planning. I wanted to get it over with. I was passive aggressive instead of saying how I felt. Would it even help to say how I feel in this case? I don't think you're very thoughtful or careful and that makes me anxious. How could that not hurt his feelings? It might not because those things aren't as important to him as they are to me. What do I like about him?

It feels better to say that things are my fault, this time. I can change and that will make everything better. I don't know if it's true, but it feels better. I'll ask someone, but who? We used to never argue so we haven't developed a solid method for conflict resolution. There are some things I just drop because I don't care. I feel like he over explains things to me sometimes. Whatever. I don't want to think about this. I don't want to think about him. I need to get off of my computer, I think that would help.

[tryingtokeepmyplantsalive]

Depression and Menstruation.

I've steadily felt worse as I've started working more, but that might just be because I started my period yesterday. I wasn't expecting it for another 7 days, but it started promptly on day 28 just like it used to. When I looked at my tracking app and saw a 28 day cycle for the first time in what felt like forever, I immediately googled whether depression could affect menstruation. At least according to the AI overview it can.

I guess I can't say at this point whether my lengthening cycle was because of depression or any other reason at this point. I guess I'll have to take note of when my next period comes and how I've felt between now and then. Regardless of the menstruation aspect, it's crazy how depression can sneak up on you. I used to read on my lunch break pretty consistently. I would look forward to it. But I lost interest. Couldn't find a good enough book. Too distracted by other things. Needed something easier to do. When I was going through it, I didn't view that loss of interest as a symptom. I would have said I was struggling, but not depressed. Those questionnaires are actually pretty hard if you're answering the questions for yourself. There's a lot of perspective that's not included.

I used to think of myself as being self-aware, but now I think I was just self-critical. I could easily identify what other people could perceive as shortcomings, but I had no real awareness of myself: Who I was, what I wanted, what it felt like to be okay.

My boyfriend and I are close enough that, even though we're both pretty stoic (we joke that I'm a wiener, but given the circumstances I'm pretty solid)

Actually let me talk about that for a minute. I used to think that I was good at hiding my emotions, but I'm really not. I think my parents just weren't interested in how I felt deep down as long as I was behaving well. I think about my mom asking how we felt about the divorce, and I said fine. Nothing no thoughts. I don't know if that was before or after the one time I tried to express my feelings. It was admittedly pretty convoluted.

I wish this entry was more focused, but oh well. It's the middle of the day and I don't want to spend too much time on this. Although it would probably be worth it, I have things to do that have more severe consequences for dropping the ball on. But what are the consequences of dropping the ball on this? I won't lose my job, but I won't have worked on understanding a part of myself. I won't have whatever information I could have gained from making this? So it's not like I get nothing from this kind of work and everything from the kind of work I get paid for. I need to figure out what makes something worth doing. I can't right now, though because I have deadlines to meet.

[tryingtokeepmyplantsalive]

Bored at work/New Years Resolutions

I have a lot to do in very little time and it's starting to stress me out a bit. I'm in a position where I have to decide what's important and that makes things even more difficult.

I started a long list of resolutions in my drafts, but I kind of want to scrap all of that and just focus on doing what feels good. I've felt more in touch with my emotions in the past few months and I've felt my body in a way that I haven't in a long time. I've lived my entire life ignoring my wants and needs in favor of what authority deemed best for me. I did this to the point that I lost touch of what my wants and needs were. At the ripe age of 25 I'm noticing my moods, hunger, pain, for the first time because it was easier to simply ignore them in favor of what I needed to do.

So even though I have a lot to do, I'm choosing to honor my boredom by taking a break instead of powering through and getting frustrated with myself for not being productive.

[tryingtokeepmyplantsalive]

Real Time Processing Update + some chat about drugs

I did get a little more work done, but I haven't changed my mind about wanting to take an edible and I've even looked into going to a strip club. I have some dollar bills. I could do it. I don't think I have the nerve today, though. I want to find an outfit. I want to get my makeup right. I don't know strip club etiquette. It would be adventurous, but ultimately a disaster. I'll push myself to work until 5ish, pop the edible, then work until it kicks in. After that, I might be back with my resolutions.

But as long as I'm here, I guess I'll talk about my experience with edibles a bit since I'm still figuring out how I feel about it.

I grew up in a staunchly anti-drug household during the D.A.R.E. era, and as a goody-two shoes kid I never even considered seeking them out. Actually, I think one of my uncles left a half empty pack of cigarettes on the in a cabinet at my house one time. When I was home alone I went out on the back porch, sucked the smoke into my mouth (since I'd heard it was bad for your lungs), and coughed it out. Disgusting. I took a few puffs like that before deciding I didn't like it and getting rid of the evidence. I never even wanted to try cigarettes after that since I've seen how much money people sink into it, and the damage it can do to your health.

I had a similar experience with alcohol, where my grandma kept a bottle of brandy under her rocking chair. I found out about it when I was maybe 12ish. I took a few sips, decided it was gross, and didn't even see why adults liked it so much. I didn't feel any different.

I didn't experience any peer pressure to drink or do drugs growing up, or even in college. I was a dork and I gravitated towards other dorks (I say with the utmost affection). Maybe straight-laced is a nicer way of saying it. Either way, I was never tempted to smoke or drink before the legal age.

I suppose in college I went to a couple of parties, but I didn't like them. At the first party I went to, there were people who looked like real adults (maybe 30s) handing out cups of punch to college students without checking IDs. They were just scooping drinks out of a rubbermaid container.

My drink was nasty. Maybe I would like it now, but at the time the taste of alcohol was to much. It was too loud and too cramped. I couldn't dance and I only drank half of my punch before going home early. I felt steady upon leaving, not drunk in the slightest. But after exiting the uncomfortable space into the cool night air, the world seemed to shift beneath my feet. I felt super drunk - honestly woozier than I've ever felt even after my heaviest nights of drinking since. I thought it was just because I didn't have any tolerance to alcohol since I never really drank before that. After telling that story to people who had more experience, they said there was probably more than alcohol in that drink.

I didn't see myself as a target - I thought most of the friends I was with were much smaller and more attractive, and I would have to be the one to shield them from creeps. Lucky me, I'm as much of a party pooper as an easy mark so I escaped pretty much unscathed.

Anyway, I like feeling in control, and I'm prone to headaches, so even in a culture that normalizes alcohol and excessive drinking I don't have much of a problem abstaining or limiting alcohol intake.

The idea of smoking weed seemed appealing to me, but I was never brave enough to seek it out. The impression I got was that it was fun and harmless if you could get your hands on it. Just don't do it too much or you'll become lazy and forgetful and never live up to your full potential. I think an important aspect of this is that people are convinced it's not addictive in the same way that tobacco and alcohol are. It feels safer that way. Still, I never actively sought it out. I had a friend in college who had a dealer, but I was too scared of getting caught. I think it's still illegal in my state in most use cases.

I was buying a Christmas gift for my mentor at a black owned tea shop. It took a while for them to package the different teas, so I was left sitting there for a while with nothing to do. Meanwhile, there was someone doing a photoshoot for their small business. I don't exactly remember the interaction we had, but we exchanged some pleasantries and she ended up giving me a free sample of her delta-8 gummies.

I hid them in my boyfriend's office since I thought they were illegal. In hindsight, this is stupid, because why would any of that happened with an illegal product, in the middle of the day, in the middle of a crowded area? But, hey, I'm an anxious person and anxiety doesn't always make sense. Anyway, I did a lot of google searching about the potential risks and after a few weeks of deliberating, I tried one. It was fine. Jokes were funnier than usual. I ended up eating whipped cream straight out of the can (that was how my boyfriend figured out I had finally taken one).

I tried a few times after that and felt like I wasn't having as much fun as I should[which in itself is interesting and might be worth unpacking].

[tryingtokeepmyplantsalive]

Real Time Processing

I have a lot of work I'd like to get done before the start of the semester, but I'm having a hard time getting motivated to do it. A lot of the tasks are either too repetitive or dauntingly complex so I'm considering ways to avoid doing it. I want to take an edible. I want to have a snack. I need to focus. What can I do? I guess I'll break up the complex tasks into more digestible portions to give myself a break from the repetitive tasks. I'll listen to music instead of youtube videos which take up too much of my attention. It's become apparent to me that I've been using youtube as a distraction from my problems for maybe a decade now... woof.

Just taking a minute or two to identify and solve this problem has made me feel a little bit less anxious, and has staved off my reach for a less healthy coping mechanism. I'll check back in in an hour or two to see how helpful this was for my productivity

[tryingtokeepmyplantsalive]

First Post

I don't anticipate anyone ever seeing this, but I've been toying with the idea of starting a blog for a while. I've been going through a lot of growth lately and I think it would be a good way for me to organize my thoughts. I have realized how fragmented my concept of self is, and in an effort to unite the private self with my public facing self, I've decided to publish these thoughts... anonymously. Baby steps. Still I think it's a good exercise since I'm self conscious even taking no risk at all. Being vulnerable is embarrassing! The first time, at least. But I hope to get more comfortable with time.

I don't have any specific goals for what I want to accomplish with this venture, yet. Maybe just improve my writing and get used to articulating complex emotions. Maybe I'm just trying to keep my plants alive.

I chose that name because I feel like I've never been able to stay well. I can have periods where I'm ambitious and steady, but even without a change in circumstance I suddenly feel like I'm just barely scraping by. In one specific era, my boyfriend and I got really into plants. He was always buying plants and I specifically wanted herbs. When I picture my ideal future it always includes a nice kitchen with fresh herbs growing in the window over the sink. At one point, I got an AeroGarden from my mom and started growing growing my herbs. They grew so much that I transferred them to pots with soil and I even enlisted my dad to build a planter for them. But after months of success, for reasons beyond my understanding, I stopped caring for my precious herbs. I'd poured hours of work into them and they were thriving, and I suddenly couldn't keep up. Nothing changed, but when I regained my motivation the plants were crisp, dry, and unsalvageable.

I've learned a lot about myself since then, and I'm coming to terms with the depression and anxiety I've lived with for a very long time now. I can recognize that I may have to live differently because of these struggles, but I am not rotten for having them. I want to learn to be patient and gentle with myself during hard times, while still keeping my plants alive.