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[turnyourmentalprisontoamaze]

The Early Diary of Anaïs Nin, 1923–1927

[turnyourmentalprisontoamaze]

gifting my heart pt.2

my heart was lost.

i thought it was for good,

but ever so slowly

i began to see her

in your eyes.

in the dark reflection of your soul

i found her quivering.

so scared of being discovered,

and i captured her.

i put her in a pretty box,

i wrapped her up in ribbons,

to gift to you as a token of gratitude

for all the love that you so easily gave to me.

but i stalled, and never gave you the box.

i kept her, and her ribbons,

locked away in my mind,

terrified of what you might do if you possessed her.

a clock had been ticking,

one i'd been wilfully unaware of,

an hourglass of how long you'd be capable

of waiting for me to seek her out.

the chiming bell of the clock rang,

the sands had run through.

it was too late to gift my heart to you.

now i keep her in her box,

and she screams at me,

questioning why i ever imprisoned her

if i couldn't give her to someone

for her to love.

i blame no one but myself

for the alcatraz of my mind.

behind bars, she beats for you

now from a distance.

watching your heart beat for somebody else,

she holds onto the love from a friendship.

[turnyourmentalprisontoamaze]

A headache that doesn’t go away,

A migraine of the soul,

A pain so deep that

It burns like fire.

A bleakness of the heart

And a greyness in my gaze.

Stuck in the limbo of life,

Trapped in a body belonging

To a diseased mind,

Internal agony in each breath.

[turnyourmentalprisontoamaze]

wrong

a broken puzzle piece

destined for solitude,

everfitting you wrongly.

my psyche is diseased,

your words threw me into unease,

that i am wrong for the way that i think.

a broken puzzle piece,

i yearn for the space you left for me,

but my shape is wrong.

cursed by my past,

your anger justifiably directed,

i thought you understood why i'm all wrong.

[turnyourmentalprisontoamaze]

a void in my heart

there's a void in my heart

and it's shaped just like their smile.

it's dark just like their eyes

but unlike them

it's cold and it's empty.

how can i tell them that

i miss them already.

i even tried

to psychically communicate with them.

i called out to them in my thoughts,

can you hear me?

give me a sign if you can hear me.

i'm sorry,

i miss you,

don't leave me,

please hear me.

i feel the all pain i've inflicted on them.

i feel it in my bones

and i feel it in my blood.

it runs right through me

and it stings all over.

but i miss them already.

i can't blame them for leaving,

i only blame myself.

they called me selfish and

that truth rings through my brain

like a song stuck in my head

that i can't get rid of.

they were right.

expecting them to stay

hoping they would stay

wishing they might be able to stay

i miss them already.

i will dive into the void

and i will look for traces of them,

i will travel the dark terrain,

just to surround myself with their memory.

i'll hold out hope

that maybe they'll return to me

one day.

selfish again!

i hate myself for what i've done.

i need them in my life.

i can't begin to forget them.

i miss them already.

[turnyourmentalprisontoamaze]

Πώς λέγεται αυτό που αγκαλιάζεις κάποιον σφιχτά και πάλι δεν σου φτάνει και προσπαθείς να τον αγκαλιάσεις ακόμα πιο σφιχτά λες και θέλεις να τον κάνεις ένα με εσένα και να τον κρατήσεις μέσα σου για πάντα;

[turnyourmentalprisontoamaze]

death and ascension (a flashback)

i take off my rings, one by one.

only within Death

will you ascend to Heaven.

on the Day that

you consumed me,

on the Day that

you ate my Soul,

i felt God.

did you kill me?

the morning Sun comes

in through my window,

and when the Light hits my eyes,

i think of you.

on the Day that

you consumed me,

on the Day that

you drank my Essence,

the Holy Light came all over me.

you must have killed me.

the morning Sun comes

in through my window,

and when the Heat hits my skin,

i think of you.

only within Death

will you ascend to Heaven.

i take off my rings, one by one.

[turnyourmentalprisontoamaze]

rainfall

it begins to rain.

my thunder gaze darkens

and i hurt all over.

i long for the mist to clear,

i want to disappear.

i’m a mirror as the clouds weep,

i want to go to sleep.

on a day like this,

the forlorn sky,

she cries 

(nearly)

as much as i do!

but never, 

even in her most disturbing dreams, 

could she shed 

the number of tears 

that escape my eyes,

on a day like this.

the gap between my chattering teeth

is a mirror

of the gaping hole in my heart.

it continues to rain.

despair falls down all around me

and i am crushed. 

[turnyourmentalprisontoamaze]

edward hopper / jenny slate

[turnyourmentalprisontoamaze]

burning

flaming twin of mine.

addicted

i stare at your light

burning a hole

right through my retina.

i’ll do it over and over again

until i destroy

both of my eyes

just so i

can look at you.

your beauty burns so bright

from inside and out.

your light enchants me.

you ignite my flame

you fuel my spark

you burn my spirit.

[turnyourmentalprisontoamaze]

[turnyourmentalprisontoamaze]

gifting my heart

you gave me your whole heart.

i searched far and wide for mine,

in the hopes of catching her

and wrapping her up in a pretty box,

with ribbons,

to gift to you

as a token of gratitude for 

all the love that you so easily give to me.

but i couldn’t find my heart anywhere.

i don’t think i’ve seen her in years.

i thought maybe i’d find her buried deep

in my bedsheets,

and i could unlock her 

from her cold isolation

with a key born from our intertwined bodies.

i know that she was nearby.

i could taste the remnants of

her presence but she

had already slipped away.

i know that you wanted me to find her there.

i wanted to as well.

intimacy with you brought me true happiness 

for the first time in a long time,

true and real and pure,

so, in agony,

i repeatedly ask myself,

why don’t i feel any different?

i already bought the ribbons

and i already bought the box,

i’ve been ready to find her 

for a while now,

to coax her into the warmth of you. 

you are so beautiful,

i ache for you,

you are a light in my darkness,

you are everything i said i always wanted.

you love in the same way that i used to love. 

you know what i'm trying to say before i've even finished speaking. 

i think you are my twin flame.

i hate myself for being nearly burnt out. 

if only i could find my 

wretched runaway heart.

you’re a reminder of everything 

i can’t fix about myself. 

but i can’t stay away from you. 

she doesn't scare me like you do.

i suppose i barely know her

compared to the way that i know you

and you know me.

could i ever give her my heart?

it's too early to know,

should i even try to find out?

i cry every single day,

because i know it can’t make any sense to you. 

it doesn’t make much sense to me either.

i don’t know why i can’t feel.

i wonder,

does a broken heart sometimes 

never ever heal?

[turnyourmentalprisontoamaze]

Untitled, Tathève Simonyan

[turnyourmentalprisontoamaze]

{Words by Anaïs Nin, from The Diary Of Anais Nin, Vol. 4 (1944-1947) / Cynthia Cruz from diagnosis,The glimmering room}

[turnyourmentalprisontoamaze]

{Words by José Olivarez from Citizen Illegal /@fatimaamerbilal , from even flesh eaters don't want me.}

[turnyourmentalprisontoamaze]

Margaret Atwood, from ‘January’, The Door (2007)

[turnyourmentalprisontoamaze]

Margaret Atwood, from "Three Desk Objects", Selected Poems : 1965-1975