i’ve shared every part
of myself with you
in pieces and sections
this one is the one i’m most proud of
did you take note of the change?
did you feel me healing?
finding out healing isn’t an end post out there
it’s a stream inside of me
i had to open the floodgates
feel it flow
let it reach me
so i can reach others
~that’s why it’s called living waters
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don’t think i don’t question it
when i’ve begged for breakthrough for years
and they don’t change
when my passion, the gift i was given
is the reason my body fights itself
when i sit on my knees crying for hours
and still the medicine cabinet stays packed to the brim
when i shout and demand more from life
but that stays in my hands
i don’t get it
why some mountains stay unmoved
maybe there’s a reason
we have to linger in the shadows of it
maybe there's light to be brought from ourselves
and it's okay to have moments of uncertainty
it's okay to wonder
thought trust is the hardest part
thought sightless, blind faith
takes so much out of your soul
we have a spirit of fire, of burning authority
so praise while you wait
or pray in that warzone right through that chaos
~faith is stepping out blindly in power
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I just started following you and I just wanna say I love your poems! Keep writing! God bless you!
Thank you so much, I'm so grateful you're enjoying my words <3
Have a blessed day <3
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i wonder if i’ll outgrow it
rescheduling my being
based on how you’re feeling
~at this point i live to please you
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i find myself uncomfortable with this new trend
where artists and art
openly mocks religion or beliefs
i say mock because it’s more than rejection
rejection is the choice not to believe in something
and not think about it
to the point where you have no interest
in it taking up any space in your thoughts or words
it holds an unintentional respect to it
a realisation of will and the freedom of it
but mocking it
openly trying to belittle it
requires you to get to know it just to hate it
using aspects of it to staff your disrespect
it’s odd
comically disgusting
how you get to openly
blatantly and proudly pour out your distasteful musings
cheap literacy disguised as poetry
use enough big words
and you’ll get to do it without any question
but any mention of the opposite
any attempt at simply sharing dept
to your misinformed notes based on misled people
or misinterpreted sentences or strayed extremism
is a fist down your throat
a threat to your freedom
tell me why are you so condemned by an idea
so extremely uncomfortable with something
you do not think is real
in your hatred we see pity
in our openness
you find material for your blasphemy
curious how you waste
your lyrics, your brush strokes, your film
convincing yourself you don’t care
why so interested in making your disdain known
it’s almost as if you’re trying to prove something
to whom, i wonder
do you aim your classless jabs then
if you don’t believe there’s anyone to hear
~blasphemy does not a poet make
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and it’s me who kept the cage locked
looked at the emotional bars
latching onto the keys
begged to be free
when i already was
~captivity isn’t real
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and if the temptation of depression
comes knocking
i’ll still see it, feel it
but i’ll laugh at the audacity
because i control my emotions
they do not control me
i’m no longer a slave to misery
that i don’t claim.
~i decide what consumes me
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it’s a lie
the reminder of the things that cripple me
am i not made new?
am i not a different person?
these things are not mine
how can i take back what does not belong to me
how can i be the character of a stranger
if you’d put her next to me
i’d not recognise her
so stop
you coward
stop trying to take me back to something
that no longer exists
it’s buried in a grave under a different name
i’m no longer bound
by depression
by hatred
by bitterness
by illness
by boundaries of this world
let that corpse go rotten with all it’s shame and pain
i’ll live in victory, in newfound hope
because i’m a different story
the Author has taken back the pen
~grace is mine
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what are you doing with your lungs?
it was asked in passing from the front of church
it struck me like lightning
lungs have breath
breath has life
a life was given for me to have mine
that life still breathes through me
so why do i suffocate it
why do i spend so much time hyperventilating in vain
every sigh, a threat of death
when life was breathed right from that cross
into my existence
~what will you do with your lungs?
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who'd have thought there could be guilt here
in my lowest
in my deadliest
that despite how sure i was of my terror
of my misery
i could feel undeserving of it
~i had no right to linger in this pain
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and what will i write about?
the therapist laughed
i don't think she understood
pain, loneliness, emptiness
these cheap emotions
was all i knew
it had become a simple muse
shameful to admit
i didn't know how to write
if i wasn't using my own blood
~am i holding onto it for the sake of an outlet?
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when the neurons settle back into place
and i can think for myself again
when i'm in control again
and i regret every second
of anguish
that wasn't as real as i convinced myself it was
and i fear that someday
i won't be in time to stop myself
to talk myself down
remind myself why i need to stay
~moments of morose, of dysthymia
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You gave everything for me to live
i'm so sorry
i've been spending all this time
wishing i didn't have to
it's not on purpose
i don't mean to deny this gift
this prize
it's been feeling like a price i can't afford
for as long as i remember
but i think that's on me
~remind me of the privilege of being alive in Your place
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what's it like in your arms
i think about it constantly
i dream about days where i get to fall into your chest
where i get to feel small
no need to be
what it must be like to hear your heartbeat
your chest moving up and down under my cheek
will you brush a hand up and down my arm
would your skin feel warm as you wrapped me up tighter
can you hear the sound of us breathing together
i imagine you'd smell like home, like safety
nauseating domesticity
i'd abandon all objections to it for a second
to be held by you
to feel you
to have you
~with you i'd stay soft, you'd not misuse it
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~fight for me, a poem about grace
i don't know how to be weak
in front of the people i love,
how to show them that i’m struggling,
that i’m drowning
so hung up on staying in control
but i haven’t been in control for years
i was struggling, had been for so long,
i’d learned how to cope,
how to force myself up from the concrete
and wipe the sand from the bloodied bruises
before doing it all over again,
but i was tired.
somewhere in the frenzy of trying to keep going,
no matter what,
i’d lost myself- lost my control, lost my mind.
how could i let anyone into that madness?
they had no right to the pain that i felt,
to the fear and the torture inflicted on me
by my own mind
i had it good, many people had it much worse,
but it never felt so, never felt like
i had a moment of peace, of happiness.
i woke up every day with a sword in my hand
and an army in front of me
and i fought, without objection
i took the blows and the cuts and the bodies
that forced me into my grave alive-
but only when i looked up
and saw my own face behind their armor
did i realize how far i’d gone,
how far i’d allowed myself to go,
and i couldn’t go on like this any longer.
i was losing myself
and as terrifying as it was to admit that out loud,
it was far more terrifying looking into the mirror
and seeing a stranger.
i’d been fighting myself by myself and it would destroy me
if i didn’t call out for help.
reach out, admit that i was weak, to become strong
surrender my sword, let someone else help me fight
i thought it to be greedy, the burden was heavy
but it was brave, staying in the rubble
and it was grace that laid down with me
until i was willing to let it pull me out
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i’m fat
no point tiptoeing around that
but
i’m also kind and loving
i can talk to anyone
i’m loud
i’ve always been a leader
i watch things to obsess over them
i’m a helper, a giver
i dream of love constantly
i say sorry like i breathe
i love completely, fully, naggingly
i think flowers should be photographed
i buy books to think of reading
i listen to music to linger
i see the bad first and look for the good still
i'm the last to know when i'm unwanted
i try to be good, always
my fat is the first thing you see
but there is so much more to me
~please see me
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this is not what was meant for me
this body, this mind, this life
i’m a stranger in here
somewhere
behind all that decaying hope
and pounds of empty flesh
that agony and fear
my spirit cries for what could’ve been
it spends every second
longing, begging
for release
it fears what it needs, what has to change
is too much, too daunting, too drastic
it’s convinced death would be easier
i was not made for this
please
can someone hear me?
i wasn’t made to be
~what is harder? living or dying
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