tysonrunningfox

[tysonrunningfox]

On the Proxy Sex post, you tagged, quote, “having carnal knowledge of his wife👀”. I beg your pardon? All I can associate you with right now is art thief AU, and the only characters who I can think of that applying to are Stoick, Gobber, and Valka unless Snotlout got super freaky and got with Stoick. I need you to elaborate on this PLEASE.

This is so funny, this is from Outlander, which is my self-indulgent trash media of choice, because restarting the audiobooks means I don’t have to make a Decision for 6-9 Business Months.

Basically the main character (Claire) thinks her husband (Jamie) has been lost at sea, and for Plot Reasons this guy Lord John Grey, who is coincidentally also in love with Jamie and straight up no gray area gay, marries Claire to protect her from The Law. And then they have proxy grief sex about it and it’s great, she even gives him a sad hand job. No notes.

And then, of course, Jamie is miraculously alive, and rather than, you know, keeping this a secret, 5’6 lil gay ass Lord John walks right up to 6’4 homophobic (for Plot Reasons) Jamie and goes: “I have had Carnal Knowlege of your wife” because he’s Insane.

And like. To be clear, Lord John is also not sexually opposed to being eviscerated with Jamie’s bare hands. Because he’s everything to me.

In short: do I recommend Outlander to anyone? No. Also though, I have Stockholm Syndrome and everyone should read Outlander because it’s fun if you ignore all the parts that aren’t fun.

[tysonrunningfox]

we as a society do not explore proxy sex enough………….

[tysonrunningfox]

To clarify on the 'impatient to the point of unobservant' thing because I cannot stop thinking about this, the thing is that she has endured enough teasing, he is in his hyper-people-pleasing honeymoon phase persona where he will not annoy her because he is a good boyfriend, and so it's really just. Her pace for a while. Which is abrupt and not particularly introspective.

And I said this in a tag but like yes, it's a lot, and she knows it's a lot but she's also like "there was two months of high flying international foreplay and now we're in love and the stakes were unimaginably high so of course it's intense." Which makes sense. And also, she's been a workaholic for years and has not had steady relationships so she's like ok, I guess this is normal kind of soreness when it's this frequent and enthusiastic. But she's not like, looking at it (and when she did previously it was in the dark and the end of a long day and she was making jokes about lightning bolt tattoos) and she's literally not a numbers person. Like she is not measuring things in her mind.

So eventually when he like, doesn't have a clean towel in the bathroom and she's running late somewhere and therefore categorically stressed and not in the mood and she sees it out of context and is just like wait.

Also as I complain about how hard writing endings are I just need to say that in my head, I’m having fun in the big dick sandbox I’ve never played in before also. Like. I hate big dick headcanons usually, because it ends up seeming like something morally rewarded or whatever. But this time. I googled this tweet so many times to talk about this story with people in my life who are so sick of me quoting this tweet that I messed up my whole search algorithm and if I typed any of these words it would suggest “ten inches throbbing” and I was like fuck it.

Assigned Huge by Author Not Saving Image and it is fun here actually.

[tysonrunningfox]

@nottmodor

Like, the thing is Snotlout and Hiccup were essentially palling around Europe as 21 year old idiots doing scams and crimes. And they were 21 year old idiots who were suddenly way richer than they knew what to do with and like, that doesn't lead to good behavior. Like sometimes you pee off a bridge, you know? It's whatever. And it's not like this Hiccup values privacy or comfort, they shared a storage unit. And also, Snotlout was a deeply jealous and insecure little guy and Hiccup is a burgeoning compulsive liar who is leaning hard into his asshole streak and Snotlout wants something petty and stupid to say about it and so he'd totally look. Like he just looks. And it is not a petty win, man. It is not (because he is a 21 year old idiot looking for some external benchmark of winning)

To me, Astrid takes an embarrassingly long time to notice. Like, she is just not looking for that or bringing her critical thinking to the situation, and she's the world's most impatient woman and it is an intense honeymoon phase after all of the distractions. So it's like weeks until she notices it in like, not horny circumstances when her brain is firing on all cylinders and she's just like um 👀 that's. Big. And he's so baffled because he's like it is The Exact Same Size as it was an hour ago?? When you were a lot closer to it? What do you mean??

Also as I complain about how hard writing endings are I just need to say that in my head, I’m having fun in the big dick sandbox I’ve never played in before also. Like. I hate big dick headcanons usually, because it ends up seeming like something morally rewarded or whatever. But this time. I googled this tweet so many times to talk about this story with people in my life who are so sick of me quoting this tweet that I messed up my whole search algorithm and if I typed any of these words it would suggest “ten inches throbbing” and I was like fuck it.

Assigned Huge by Author Not Saving Image and it is fun here actually.

[tysonrunningfox]

So there are 3 questions here and I'm going to answer the one about Greece and then do some screenshot tagging nonsense because I don't want to derail the big dick posting with the origin story of Snotlout in Albania:

Yeah, Corfu is in Greece and literally the only reason that it became relevant is because Snotlout was always going to be in Albania. Like that was just part of the original thought, he was a wanted and disgraced art forger on the Albanian Riviera. Like. That was one thought, and then I had to figure out how to get from Lyon to Albania and tbh at that point I hadn't wanted to get into car theft (I did it like 2 chapters later but whatver), thus Corfu, which is of course, Greece, and legit is just the closest international airport to the area of Albania known as the riviera, the second closest is in Tirana, but that's a legit like 4 hour drive and my main idiots could barely coexist in a space when I was first getting to Albania, and also, I didn't have anywhere else for boats in the story and another goal from the beginning was as many modes of transportation as is possible, just because of the vibes.

Also as I complain about how hard writing endings are I just need to say that in my head, I’m having fun in the big dick sandbox I’ve never played in before also. Like. I hate big dick headcanons usually, because it ends up seeming like something morally rewarded or whatever. But this time. I googled this tweet so many times to talk about this story with people in my life who are so sick of me quoting this tweet that I messed up my whole search algorithm and if I typed any of these words it would suggest “ten inches throbbing” and I was like fuck it.

Assigned Huge by Author Not Saving Image and it is fun here actually.

[tysonrunningfox]

And to be clear, I’m playing in the Big Dick sandbox for the bit. Like, can’t stop thinking about Snotlout seeing a comically large box of absolutely normal sized condoms and immediately testing Astrid’s Swedish, which she obviously speaks at least passably. And so he’s there like

Because he Knows. He had a whole crisis about it at like 20 when they were first doing crimes before he evolved into a bisexual mustachioed slut with the mature understanding that there’s a tool for every job and a job for every tool.

But like. If Astrid doesn’t know then what the fuck are they doing constantly disappearing behind closed doors? Like. What is going on and why are they both acting like freaks?

And the answer is that Astrid is impatient to the point of unobservant and that’s also hilarious to me.

Also as I complain about how hard writing endings are I just need to say that in my head, I’m having fun in the big dick sandbox I’ve never played in before also. Like. I hate big dick headcanons usually, because it ends up seeming like something morally rewarded or whatever. But this time. I googled this tweet so many times to talk about this story with people in my life who are so sick of me quoting this tweet that I messed up my whole search algorithm and if I typed any of these words it would suggest “ten inches throbbing” and I was like fuck it.

Assigned Huge by Author Not Saving Image and it is fun here actually.

[tysonrunningfox]

Also as I complain about how hard writing endings are I just need to say that in my head, I’m having fun in the big dick sandbox I’ve never played in before also. Like. I hate big dick headcanons usually, because it ends up seeming like something morally rewarded or whatever. But this time. I googled this tweet so many times to talk about this story with people in my life who are so sick of me quoting this tweet that I messed up my whole search algorithm and if I typed any of these words it would suggest “ten inches throbbing” and I was like fuck it.

Assigned Huge by Author Not Saving Image and it is fun here actually.

[tysonrunningfox]

But what about a Gustav who haunts the narrative? What about a Gustav who is an inescapable menace across years and continents? What about a Gustav who shows up everywhere when it’s least convenient?

Rear ended? Gustav. In the hospital? So is Gustav. In Las Vegas? The second they step away from a machine, Gustav sits down and wins thousands. Buying a couch online? From Gustav.

Writing endings is so hard and this is going to be so long and it is also so insane but also there's this, my beloved:

[tysonrunningfox]

Writing endings is so hard and this is going to be so long and it is also so insane but also there's this, my beloved:

[tysonrunningfox]

The real reason why you need to be social is the best chinese place within 10 miles is an unknown hole in the wall with a yearly marketing budget of $15 dollars and you will never, ever find it unless someone tells you about it.

[tysonrunningfox]

Why did no one remind me to put That Don’t Impress Me Much by Shania Twain on my art thief au playlist? I had to just be startled with it in public like an idiot.

[tysonrunningfox]

[tysonrunningfox]

The Search For More Money begins in SPACEBALLS 2 — 2027 #god willing they meet Yogurt again 🙏🏻

[tysonrunningfox]

I started this silly and I will finish this silly if it kills me and also everyone who has to tolerate me. And you all have to tolerate me.

If after a very long week of beating my head against Official Employment Related Documents, I get on my laptop and write-edit-beat-my-head-against Recreational Documents, is there at least potential to be silly on the internet also? Can we also be silly?

[tysonrunningfox]

the whole "lipstick on a pig" thing makes no sense because the second we gave a pig access to makeup she became god's cuntiest soldier

[tysonrunningfox]

@readingpast12am this is too good to leave in the replies I'm sorry, I had not thought of this.

But like, Hiccup is used to Doing a Performance. He Assumes a Role and he deflects all personal questions because that is not important. He has met these people a few times and he is Astrid's Boyfriend and he loves her and he is very respectful and when her normal parents ask about his family it is totally out of left field. Because he is in character as Boyfriend, they don't need to know about things like his family or interests etc., they only need to know that he is financially solvent and Good To Their Daughter.

So her polite, midwestern parents would just assume that his parents are dead and that they touched on something sensitive and then they'd just be careful not to do it again while also probably taking him under their wings a little more than is necessary because the poor kid is trying so hard and seems to genuinely make Astrid happy and they're sad that he doesn't have parents. So he's suddenly drowning in parental advice that he has no context for and he doesn't want to offend anyone because Good Boyfriends don't do that and that's how he ends up at like a Michigan State career fair with a fake resume while Astrid's dad introduces him to people.

Tell me more about Hiccup Impressing The In-Laws. Please

I need more of your Mr. Hofferson

The important thing about Astrid's parents is that they are so normal. Just like, devastatingly normal. Like her dad recently retired and is very into world war II documentaries and smoking meats and getting a good deal on those meats at Costco. He's very impressed that his daughter works at Interpol, all that he knows about Interpol is watching Entrapment in the 90s and he doesn't really know anything about art, and Astrid rolled her eyes a lot about that as a teenager but now has given up because she was sick of getting texts of pictures of dusty paintings at yard sales with messages like "could be worth something..thoughts...?"

And to Hiccup? This is so very strange, and he's taking it so very seriously, because he's never really been a boyfriend before or actually put in the work to make a father figure like him. He has his own conspiracy board. He's debating breaking the cardinal rule of checking her phone because the texts she rolls her eyes at and chuckles like he should get some joke can't be all of their communication. She comes home one day with an opened package while talking on the phone like "Dad, I don't care what kind of deal you got, you spent more than you saved shipping a box of granola bars to France. There is food here," and then she's bitching about her dad having way too much time to skulk around Costco since retiring and thus, the idea is born.

[tysonrunningfox]

I just realized that when Stoick meets Astrid's dad he's going to be so happy. Like finally. Someone to smoke meats and watch world war II documentaries with. He's dying. He needs someone to stand around a grill in New Balance sneakers with him. For his health.

Valka and Astrid's mom go to a wine bar and end up stealing a painting also.

Tell me more about Hiccup Impressing The In-Laws. Please

I need more of your Mr. Hofferson

The important thing about Astrid's parents is that they are so normal. Just like, devastatingly normal. Like her dad recently retired and is very into world war II documentaries and smoking meats and getting a good deal on those meats at Costco. He's very impressed that his daughter works at Interpol, all that he knows about Interpol is watching Entrapment in the 90s and he doesn't really know anything about art, and Astrid rolled her eyes a lot about that as a teenager but now has given up because she was sick of getting texts of pictures of dusty paintings at yard sales with messages like "could be worth something..thoughts...?"

And to Hiccup? This is so very strange, and he's taking it so very seriously, because he's never really been a boyfriend before or actually put in the work to make a father figure like him. He has his own conspiracy board. He's debating breaking the cardinal rule of checking her phone because the texts she rolls her eyes at and chuckles like he should get some joke can't be all of their communication. She comes home one day with an opened package while talking on the phone like "Dad, I don't care what kind of deal you got, you spent more than you saved shipping a box of granola bars to France. There is food here," and then she's bitching about her dad having way too much time to skulk around Costco since retiring and thus, the idea is born.