unionofhenchmen - Tumblr blog

[unionofhenchmen]

"Right, yeah... wait we're live?! Broadcasting?!! -

This just in from Chuggs MacKenzie, U.N. Hotzone Reporter, coming at ya' from the Hot-Zone! The situation here from Cape Town to Gansbaai has worsened due to an unseasonable storm"

"We can only hope that the local Heroes will rally in ti-AYEAAAGGJESUSFUU<wet crunching>"

-[Local News Network] audio released by [REDACTED] with footnote:

P.S. Better get to work (upside-down smiley face)

[unionofhenchmen]

After a rather peaceful few summer months it is apparent that all vacation days on both sides of The Conflict are spent. Blood begins to flow as the fiscal year trudges on.

As per usual the Justiciars begin their hunt early, with first reports coming in from South Africa as Beachmaster attempted to draw first blood against Charcharus in an area noted for the general stalemate between the powers that be.

We will move to firsthand accounts shortly but from what we know Beachmaster has been using Orca pods to torment naturally occurring Great White sharks through the summer and in an act of tragedy, innocents have lost their lives and loved ones.

A yearly truce broken, almost a hundred lives lost, and blood already in the water to begin the next year. Tune in with us here at Life In Villainy and Evil for more as the situation develops.

[unionofhenchmen]

June of Doom Day #15

"Get me out of here!" | Rescue | Presumed Dead |

June Of Doom Prompt List @juneofdoom

Villain ducked into the room closest to them, forcing open the first door they saw and shutting it quickly yet quietly behind them.

They pressed their back against it, catching their breath, listening intently.

There came the sound of Superhero's steps, quickly nearing the door, then fading away as they ran right on past. Villain let out a breath they hadn't realized they'd been holding.

"Villain?"

Villain jumped nearly a foot in the air, their eyes flying open. They were in a room that looked like a cross between a bedroom and an office- with a bed, a couch, nice carpet, and a desk full of papers. Opposite the room from them, someone was slowly rising from the couch.

Villain's jaw nearly dropped. "Hero?!"

Hero took a step toward them, reaching for them. "Villain, I'm so glad to see you-"

"What?" Villain pressed themself further against the door as Hero approached. "Hero?" They couldn't think straight, their panic in hiding from Superhero mixing with their shock at seeing their former enemy.

"Please, Villain, you have to get me out of here. Superhero-"

"But- but you were dead!" Villain exclaimed. "You died, it was all over the news I saw your headstone-"

"That was Superhero," Hero reached them, hands moving to cling to Villain's shirt. "They're keeping me here, this room- it's- it's a prison cell- Villain please- get me out of here."

Villain opened their mouth to respond, only to quickly break off as the door handle near their hand began to turn.

[unionofhenchmen]

It was not Superhero that stood in the doorway, but a familiar figure to both occupants.

"Henchman??" Villain exclaimed.

"Yes and no." a dark voice chuckled through the room.

"This? It had to stop." The figure stepped into the light, the nondescript-yet-color-coordinated outfit of Villain's henchmen came into view. "It's codependent, stagnant, toxic. To both of you."

Too stunned to react, both Villain and Hero watch with mouths agape. "Neither of you have grown in a decade. No upping-the-ante, no settled scores, always the same cat and mouse. It's like a Saturday morning cartoon. None of us signed on for that, and some of us have suffered greatly."

The figure gestures to the quickly filling hallway. Nearly identical sillhouettes fill the light, and the hulking shape of Superhero stands above them all now shedding different padding to reveal a misshapen form.

"It's time for change" the voice says, slowly gaining the buzz of many voices speaking at the same time. "It's time for something new. It is always a sad day when the protege outgrows the master, but we offer you a choice."

Hero and Villain speak at the same time, drowning each other out but the Henchmen hold up a hand.

"Choose. A hero fallen from great heights to slaughter the amassed foes? Or a villain rising against a greater evil of their own creation? Only one will walk out of this room."

The lights cut out.

June of Doom Day #15

"Get me out of here!" | Rescue | Presumed Dead |

June Of Doom Prompt List @juneofdoom

Villain ducked into the room closest to them, forcing open the first door they saw and shutting it quickly yet quietly behind them.

They pressed their back against it, catching their breath, listening intently.

There came the sound of Superhero's steps, quickly nearing the door, then fading away as they ran right on past. Villain let out a breath they hadn't realized they'd been holding.

"Villain?"

Villain jumped nearly a foot in the air, their eyes flying open. They were in a room that looked like a cross between a bedroom and an office- with a bed, a couch, nice carpet, and a desk full of papers. Opposite the room from them, someone was slowly rising from the couch.

Villain's jaw nearly dropped. "Hero?!"

Hero took a step toward them, reaching for them. "Villain, I'm so glad to see you-"

"What?" Villain pressed themself further against the door as Hero approached. "Hero?" They couldn't think straight, their panic in hiding from Superhero mixing with their shock at seeing their former enemy.

"Please, Villain, you have to get me out of here. Superhero-"

"But- but you were dead!" Villain exclaimed. "You died, it was all over the news I saw your headstone-"

"That was Superhero," Hero reached them, hands moving to cling to Villain's shirt. "They're keeping me here, this room- it's- it's a prison cell- Villain please- get me out of here."

Villain opened their mouth to respond, only to quickly break off as the door handle near their hand began to turn.

[unionofhenchmen]

"My first thought was 'holy hell that guy is strong', sorta forgetting that I'd seen him put Safari through a cinderblock wall last month. Didn't even break a sweat. Also easy to forget that he employs a team of extremely high-end veterinarians for his Pack, they're pretty hush-hush in the background y'know? You gotta be his right hand man to even see the Kennel much less its staff.

Doberman aint a bad boss but he's certainly... abrasive to some. Hell I worked for him for a year and a half thinkin' he hated me til one day, out of the blue, he claps a hand on my shoulder and tells me 'Good work, buy a steak' and slaps a freakin' gold bullion into my hand. I did see him personally rip a hench literally in half (vertically) after they tripped over one of the dogs in a hallway and called it a 'fuckin mutt' though.

Scared me shitless for a while and one of Doberman's lifers put it to me this way: that two-bit henchman called an equal a slur, the boss acted appropriately. Really realigned my view of the whole operation. Don't get me wrong, I mostly knew how Dober's powers worked and that the whole operation was very focused on the dogs, but that really made it click.

Doberman is the leader of the Pack, your place in it is based on your usefulness to the Pack and your respect to it. Help out? Be helped. Show love? Be loved. Fuck around? Find out.

I don't think the boss is a villain necause he's a bad guy, there just aint a place for him in the commercialized global world. He runs free, bucks at an authoritative system he sees no need to respect, and genuinely doesn't get society as it is. I do wish he'd hire some people doctors, though the vets get the job done mostly. (light laughter)

He's real simple once you get to know him. Basic rules right? The Pack above all, no fucking with Packmates unless it's moving up the hierarchy, and you follow the head of the Pack.

Best henchwork I've done in my long career, can't be happier."

-[NAME REDACTED], 3rd in Pack, Current Member

Quote Prompt

“I used to be confused about the boss saying that we were like his dogs, and then threatening to commit high treason any time one of us was in trouble, and but then I saw him with his dog. He was carrying a Saint Bernard in his arms like a baby. And I think I get it now.”

[unionofhenchmen]

For those not in The Biz, it is helpful to know that a form of public aid that does exist for henchmen often used by Villains of limited means.

This program is called the Limited Insurance for Goons Mooks and Axtraneous individuals.

Yes, we believe the powers that be did take advantage of the suspiciously short-lived career of the Axecutioner to make a genital-based joke. In fact the Axecutioner was suspected to be a plant from the beginning [see publicly announced OperationBlack/Phoenix for further details]; this led to further outcry and destructive behavior within the community.

Including the name of a disgraced and disingenous "villain" to the title of a public support bill is insult enough. To deliberately mock the community through puppeteering and acronym-based insults is pathetically base behavior.

[unionofhenchmen]

Hey so we STILL DON'T HAVE DENTAL. Our health coverage is barely a cut above public health insurance (which we lament), due to the fact that our work in henchmanship places us at greater risk of actually needing the services that would require insurance to aid in cost reductions.

On another note we have recently reviewed the novel Catch 22 and cannot help but to parralel its themes with henching. Our lives are in need of insurance, so we are less insurable? We have survived encounters with walking weapon through dumb luck, somehow qualifying us to be ripped into fewer shreds the next time we meet the Justiciars?

Hate to break it to you, but that's pretty fucked up. We are human, amd we pay our premiums. Unfortunately high ones at that, and still no dental? Much less, vision? Seriously?

Whether you like it or not we provide a necesary service to society, and we accept certain risks to provide it. Burns, broken bones, lacerations, shatrered teeth, laser-related retinal damage and more. Heroes cannot exist without villains, just as light cannot without shadows.

We should not and can not face such subgjugation. What evils we commit pale in the face of heroic tyranny. We are needed and beg this one question:

What will your gods do when there are no devils left to hunt?

[unionofhenchmen]

We believe that Mr.Lindt was highlighting that the deaths of henchfolk are nearly never listed in casualty numbers, a documented phenomena that we in the Union have noticed as well. He later lamented that this "made him seem less than human, not even worth listing as a number on a page."

We sympathize with his view of the event.

"Ma, sooner or later, there comes a point in a man's life when he's gotta face some facts. And one fact I gotta face is that, whatever it is that do-gooders like, I ain't got it.

All my bosses and henches-in-laws tell me what a good-hearted guy I am. You don't get to be good-hearted by accident. You get kicked around long enough, you become a professor of pain.

And then I snapped. Got called a name one too many times and I found myself in the county lock-up. After I finished community service my company wouldn't hire me back, not with my "record". Four months out I saw a flyer offering more money and fewer details than anything I'd seen before. I reached out.

I picked up a new job working for Professor Pain herself. She'd been small-time for a while, nothing to worry about right? Within a week I was tying up a local mogul who'd been trying to get a library rezoned and she gives him a burning sensation in his fingertips for life, couldn't help but feel he deserved it. Knocked over a few banks, she give the managers and guards some mildish sunburns; they'd be fine in a week, no harm done. Next, the Professor targets a zoo that'd been recently outed for mistreating the big cats; gruesome business with the director but at least the staff were to be transferred to one of our coworkers trained to provide for exotic animals. Turns out any crime perpetuated in the vicinity of animals gets a lot more media attention.

The Justiciars showed up, led by none other than Ms Metropolis herself. I was at the main gate urging the civilians through to the car lot as best I could when Safari made his entrance. He doesn't control the animals, they just go berserk and he guides them. Found that out after I begged him to let the crowd through, ended up in cuffs for trying. Ms Metropolis did capture Professor Pain though.

Fifty seven innocent lives spent to capture one woman, plus twenty nine henchman and however much property damage.

I hope the death toll is reported as Eighty Six."

-Stephen Lindt, Inmate USP Leavenworth, Designation PP194

[unionofhenchmen]

The Boss: Henchman 38! Play the kickass entrance music in exactly 40 seconds!

*click clack click clack*

....

*click clack click clack*

The Boss: "Do not play 'The Boys are Back in Town' again or so help me God I will skin you alive."

*click click click clack*

[unionofhenchmen]

"Didja know there are these little fellas callin' themselves Minions nowadays? My Ma says she saw 'em on the Facebook. From some movie or somethin'. Damn disgraceful I told 'er, rippin' away everything that us honest goons and mooks habe worked for. Y'know what she told me? She says tbey're these little yella marshmella guys that speak some kinda fluent gibb'rish, from some fuckin' movie. Took all'a my calm just to tell her 'Ma, I seen that movie in the clink. We all agreed to- to mute it til it's all done. That should tell you what we thought of it.'

Honest, none of us cared about what a fella looked like. We get it, it's just some henchwork yeah? Fuckin' Minions though, that was torture.

Anyways sorry for swearin' Ma, thanks fa' listenin'. Love you an' hope to see you soon."

-Audio Transcript: James Bianchi, Rykers Inmate XXXX, Recorded XX/XX/XXXX

[unionofhenchmen]

No that's Roger, he's supposed to be tied up out there. You can upgrade your package for a nominal fee

A fettered swamp troll just gave me the biggest ick

[unionofhenchmen]

The truth of the matter is that love is not something that you endeavor to just feel nor can it be defined by just a single action alone because love is work on all levels. It is working to actually know someone inside out, to grow together, to understand one another, and accept each other, flaws and all. It is not for one person to be worshipped over the other or idolized. It is not for one person to manipulate or own the other. It is not in the saving of one another, but in the encouragement of healing within. It is seeing each other at eye level. Love lies in the truth of communication. If you can not openly talk to one another and touch each other's realities, then there is no true relationship. If you can not grow or learn from one another, that is also a red flag. Nothing in life stays the same and your relationship with each other will also change over time. This is just the nature of life. If they are not capable of comforting you or if you feel that you must hide parts of yourself for their acceptance, then that is not an honest relationship. There is no fear, no power, no judgment, nor indifference in love. You respect each other's accomplishments with no envy and consistently give space to one another's dreams. You hold that being with the care of your soul and create with your heart a safe place for them to always breathe warmly. True love begins where forgiveness starts because that is the definition of unconditional. It is realizing that we all mess up at times, but you would never want that person to not be part of your life. Love is in the acceptance that neither of you are perfect, but that you both fit perfectly together. Love is never a cage, it is freedom and gives you the peace of being your truest self while loving the light that is within yourself.

-J.Wool, Love is Freedom, Soul Whispers

[unionofhenchmen]

Yeah we're new here, what the fuck is reblogging and can it help us teach people to light things on fire

[unionofhenchmen]

"Ma, sooner or later, there comes a point in a man's life when he's gotta face some facts. And one fact I gotta face is that, whatever it is that do-gooders like, I ain't got it.

All my bosses and henches-in-laws tell me what a good-hearted guy I am. You don't get to be good-hearted by accident. You get kicked around long enough, you become a professor of pain.

And then I snapped. Got called a name one too many times and I found myself in the county lock-up. After I finished community service my company wouldn't hire me back, not with my "record". Four months out I saw a flyer offering more money and fewer details than anything I'd seen before. I reached out.

I picked up a new job working for Professor Pain herself. She'd been small-time for a while, nothing to worry about right? Within a week I was tying up a local mogul who'd been trying to get a library rezoned and she gives him a burning sensation in his fingertips for life, couldn't help but feel he deserved it. Knocked over a few banks, she give the managers and guards some mildish sunburns; they'd be fine in a week, no harm done. Next, the Professor targets a zoo that'd been recently outed for mistreating the big cats; gruesome business with the director but at least the staff were to be transferred to one of our coworkers trained to provide for exotic animals. Turns out any crime perpetuated in the vicinity of animals gets a lot more media attention.

The Justiciars showed up, led by none other than Ms Metropolis herself. I was at the main gate urging the civilians through to the car lot as best I could when Safari made his entrance. He doesn't control the animals, they just go berserk and he guides them. Found that out after I begged him to let the crowd through, ended up in cuffs for trying. Ms Metropolis did capture Professor Pain though.

Fifty seven innocent lives spent to capture one woman, plus twenty nine henchman and however much property damage.

I hope the death toll is reported as Eighty Six."

-Stephen Lindt, Inmate USP Leavenworth, Designation PP194

[unionofhenchmen]

Shoutout to Zetsu, gotta be one of the hardest working goons in the biz

[unionofhenchmen]

If you read this and resonate with learning to build a pipe bomb, we would love to have you aboard

i love you doomed chosen ones. i love you child soldiers all grown up. i love you heroes burdened with the bad deeds they've done for the greater good. i love you war torn children who don't know how to connect with those who they've saved because they've ruined their own life to give others a sense of normalcy. i love you good people with stigmatized dark powers. i love you young wizards of wiz101 fame

[unionofhenchmen]

We've got a couple of those lil green things running around... those uh... Saibathems

Want 'em?

whats that? you wanted the full picture? well TOO BAD