unnecesarrythought - Tumblr blog

[unnecesarrythought]

Lately, I've been feeling a messy kind of depression. I would tend to forget things easily, I can't focus so much, I'd love to feel so much and be happy that when there's no more stimulation to react to, when I'm finally alone in my room, I break down. I cry. So hard. Last night, I asked myself, "Can someone die from too much sadness?" Because that's what I felt. Last night, after getting high from touching myself, all that was left was the feeling of emptiness -- I was, and I still am empty after. I felt my heart beating so fast, pumping too much blood that my body can't handle anymore, it's as if my heart was literally going to tear itself apart. It was painful, but not the physical kind. It was painful, because it hits me right inside my body -- it's an organ-kind of hurt that you think, at some point, your hurt would just burst, instantly killing you. Instantly killing me. As I cry. As I mourn. As I grieve. As I drown in things and feelings and in a state of mind that's weakening me.

I've been feeling like a mess these days. I look happy and composed and controlled, as if I handle my life so well, but deep inside, my brain's literally disorganized its thoughts. I don't know what I want to do. I'm struggling to focus, to keep myself afloat. After every party or hangout or reunion with friends, I go back to breaking down and swallowing all the pain alone. IT. HURTS. EVERY. SINGLE. DAMN. TIME.

I am at this point in life that I don't struggle so much anymore to be higher in the ladder. My life is starting to stagnate. And I think it's because my mind's getting more convinced to end my life anytime soon. I don't see any future in me anymore. I just float, drift away, flow according to the tides of the stream. I just wanna end me. i just wanna end it all.

And I realized I already reached my 27th year and I've always had this thought that I would actually end my life when I reach 27. Metaphorically speaking, my life might have started ending itself the moment I reached 27. And now I'm just an empty shell. Soon, I'm not even moving and breathing anymore.

But maybe until that day comes, I'll let my depression be happy too. Because depression loves to party too.

[unnecesarrythought]

2022's First Thought of Suicide

Last night, I thought of killing myself again.

Suicidal thoughts.

Suicidal ideation.

Suicide.

I know it will not make things better for the people around me, but for me, definitely. I never dreamt of growing old, anyway. I know I just want to try to live and experience feelings, emotions, and struggles. But I don't wanna grow old, and so suicide never scared me. In fact, it has always excited me. How powerful I can be if and when I am finally able to end me.

Last night, I had my first suicidal thought in 2022. Of course, I broke down, I cried. I cried so hard while silently muttering about how I badly wanted to end my existence, as I listened to my curated playlist. I'm just glad the songs helped me calm down. But I know, these breakdowns will happen again. And again. And again. I don't know how many for this year, but it will happen again.

I just wish I am prepared for it every time.

[unnecesarrythought]

2022′s First Failure

2022′s first failure is today, 06 January 2022. Things didn’t go as planned. I thought I can finish addressing a family member’s need in maximum two days, but hey, it’s on its third day now. More than the wasted effort, going back and forth, and just utter frustration of the bureaucratic processes around, it’s the waste of money from a sky-high medical consultation and unspeakable PUV fare that’s really draining me.

I just want to cry. I’m spending my savings WAY TOO FAST. My anxious brain’s killing me from all these unnecessary thoughts. I am slowly going to a depressive state. The first for this year, yes. I feel tired, sad, frustrated, and alone. I just wanna shutdown and cry in my bedroom. I don’t wanna talk to people again. I’m just tired and sad. And frustrated.

Fucking failure gets me every time. I should have planned better. Thought of things more strategically. Became more upfront and straightforward. I should have put my 100% mental focus on all the things and people I transacted to.

I am just tired, and it’s only the 6th of January.

I don’t wanna go on anymore.