unscriptedautist

[unscriptedautist]

I wore my mask for years, not realizing the damage it was causing the whole of myself

Then, it broke, and the whole world came crashing in

Now, I crave the ability to craft a new one; one which will allow me to be a full part of the world, while also allowing my soul to breathe

#AutisticMasking #ActuallyAutistic

[unscriptedautist]

The older I get it seems the more autistic symptoms I lose. Like. I don’t know how to say it without being offensive but when I was little I went nonverbal for a full year, I stuck to Rules so hard that I cried when a kid crossed their fingers, I got lost in my fantasy world all day - you get the point. Now I am 24 and I feel like I’m “not autistic anymore” which is dumb bc I always will be but... You could know me for years and not even have the slightest clue because all my symptoms are gone??

This is pretty standard, honestly! And it makes sense when you think about it - you’re an adult now, you have way more control over your life and surroundings than you did as a kid. You’re out of school (at least, the hell that is grade school), you get to decide what you wear and what you eat, you probably have way more free time (after all, even if you have a job, I bet you don’t come home from it every day with 6 more hours of homework).

School’s the main thing, though, I think. School is absolute torture for totally neurotypical kids (or, at least, kids who were neurotypical until school saddled them with all that soul-crushing depression and anxiety) and doubly so for already-ND kids.

Add to that the fact you’ve probably picked up a ton of coping skills over your life and it’s really no surprise that things are easier now!

-Brother Cat

[unscriptedautist]

That moment when:

...you first consciously recognize the categorical differences between being friends and being friendly, in terms of social governance

[unscriptedautist]

Existential crises

It feels like I'm right in the middle of a decades-long existential crisis. Worse, it feels like unavoidable and overwhelming truth. Don't misunderstand me, I have no intention of not-living, it's just that I cannot help but consistently question the point of doing typical living-related things.

The fact of the matter is that we are miniscule and temporary creatures living on a trivial and dying rock, located in an immeasurably vast universe. Honestly, anything and everything we do is entirely inconsequential.

Maybe it's the autie in me that keeps this persistently active in my mind. Maybe it's that old Monty Python song that never seems far from my conscious thought.

I know I'm not supposed to say these things; that they make people socially uncomfortable. But, the problem I've always had is that: this doesn't make them any less true.

So, I try to put on the mask, day after day, year after year; remember to smile, and nod, and put on the right amount of enthusiasm for human life activities.

But, really, that's just another layer of costume, and inside, I can't help but remain aware of the idea that none of it, ultimately, really matters all that much...

[unscriptedautist]

[unscriptedautist]

Failing at being human

I hate feeling like I fail at “being human.”

I know it is rooted in a lifetime of experiencing “being different,” and feeling the weight of that brand of “failure.”

I know the feeling will pass.

I hate it anyway.

Advice on reframing?

[unscriptedautist]

Aspergers Relatabite 88

Liking to be in a tidy environment and having people make mess around you, driving you crazy.

Or alternatively: Liking to be in a messy environment but having people tell you to tidy up all the time.

[unscriptedautist]

the game, it exhausts me

[unscriptedautist]

“If you can pass, why don’t you always act normal?”

The same reason you don’t hug a cactus everyday, Betty.

[unscriptedautist]

empathy?

Me: (makes an (entirely socially appropriate) emotionally vulnerable post on non-anonymous social media) Them, all: **crickets**

[unscriptedautist]

In one of his books (I forget which one; Look me in the eye, maybe?), John Elder Robison wrote something that really resonated with me. Roughly paraphrasing my take-away from the passage, he said: It’s true that other people need to choose you for social relationships (friends, romantic interests, employers - all require some level of you ‘being chosen’ by this other person). But it is also true that you, too, have a choice. The idea that I could exert influence on my social connections - that I could choose /to not choose/ someone...  it was a profound moment for me. I thought back to countless social relationships that ultimately ended in failure. Why? Partly because I screwed something up (helllooo autism!), but also, I suddenly realized, at least partly because these people were never my people. The people who are my people are the people that see me for me. The people who love me for me, the people who respect me, and trust me, and SEE me.  These people...  they’re *my people*.  And now, thanks to John Elder (if I may be so bold), I know it’s okay for me to choose to /not choose/ people; to protect my emotional self from the people who don’t, and, so, are not. I assume neurotypicals figure this out much, much, earlier than I did...

[unscriptedautist]

The “just be yourself” story

Me (Autist): “I don’t know how to do this.” Them (neurotypical): “Do what?” Me: “This whole ‘act normal’ thing...” Them: “What do you mean, “act” normal? People don’t /act/ normal, they just /are/ normal. If someone is just “acting” normal, then they’re actually kind of *not* normal.” Me (to self): ‘wow, if i had a dollar for every time someone called me ‘not normal’ and did or did not even realize it...’ Them: “Besides, what is “normal”, anyway?  There’s no such thing as normal...” Me (to self): ‘...haha, you’re funny. there is absolutely a thing called “normal”, and you know it, so just....’ Them: “Just be yourself.” Me (to self): ‘..um....yeah... that doesn’t really work, ‘cause...’ Them (staring at me): ... Me (realizing it’s been too long since I actually said something /out loud/, that I’m fighting a lump in my throat, and that I have just experienced yet another failed attempt at what could have been a meaningful and emotionally intimate conversation): “Yeah, you’re right... I just need to relax...” Me (tightening up my emotional defenses, and making sure to put on my best neurotypical character performance)

[unscriptedautist]

Autistic Inertia

I have been stuck for minutes, hours, days weeks, even years It harbors guilt even shame It overshadows accomplishments and negates earned praise And, yet, it seems an inescapable part of my autistic self

[unscriptedautist]

Life of the Autist, #2142

**mentally replays an earlier conversation with important others** …it felt good, and natural, and light-hearted, and all of the things that conversations with people are (apparently) supposed to usually feel like…

**mentally reframes into a check list of own communication performance**

…demeanor

…tone of voice

…gesticulation

…words

…tone

…facial expressions

 **mentally reframes into a check list of the communication received from the others**

…demeanor

…tone of voice

…gesticulation

…words

…tone

…facial expressions

 **mentally calculates the probability that the conversation was also viewed as favorably by the important others**

 **becomes convinced that the conversation was actually pretty awkward and socially unproductive**

[unscriptedautist]

Self-perpetuating cycle

Everywhere I go, I think: “I don’t know any of these people.” It plays on a loop in my brain, or pops up between line items on my grocery list. “I don’t know any of these people.”, as I sit on the edge of a sofa at a cocktail party in a city I’ve never been to before.

“I don’t know any of these people.”, as I crowd into my kids’ classroom with all the other parents on ‘family night’. “I don’t know any of these people.”, as I unhook leashes at the gate of the local dog park. The anxiety and sadness of it overwhelms me, and I keep my eyes down, my earbuds in. I’m worried about accidental eye contact, and impromptu, unscripted conversations with person or persons unknown. I don’t reach out. I don’t connect. I don’t initiate... Because I don’t know how. And, so, I’m pretty sure that everyone reads me as standoffish, because I don’t make eye contact with them, and my earbuds are always in, and I pretty much never talk in class.

And, so, it remains, that it really is the case that, “I don’t know any of these people...”

[unscriptedautist]

Previously unrealized stim #4328

It is not uncommon for me to be doing something on my laptop while I watch television at night. When I’m not typing, I ‘flap-touch’* the keyboard. I hadn’t realized that this was something that I did. But, now that I’ve noticed it, I know that I’ve been doing it forever... ** ’flap-touch’ is the best way to succinctly describe what it is that I’m doing. Think of a small, slow, flapping motion that only engages the top two knuckles on your four fingers (no thumb). It’s like that, but the tips of those four fingers make light contact with a particular, repetitive path, across the keyboard. It’s very rhythmic and does a good job of grounding me.

[unscriptedautist]

This. A thousand times, this.

Important PSA to allistic parents of autistic children:

If someone says, “I want autistic people’s input on this,” they are not asking for your opinion. As a matter of fact, they’re specifically asking you to stay out of it and not speak for somebody else. Yes, even if your child can’t answer the question for themselves.

There’s a time to sit down and listen to the people you’re claiming you want to help. This is one of those times.