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Here I go again talking about men

you Hate them but you cant live with out them. ok Hate is a strong word! I don’t Hate men I dislike them. I haven't had a good man around me. someone I can truly say wow!  Most of  the men around me including in my family are a bit dysfunctional. I don’t want to say that all men are shit because that is not true! There are good men out there I just never met them. My dislike for them has truly grown in the last couple years. The more I date the more I dislike them.  Some people might say just enjoy your life why do you want to be with a man. The answer is idk. is it society that makes me feel this way? is it my loneliness that craves for a man?  I am a single woman that yearns for a good and healthy relationship with a man. but I don't consider my self desperate or am I? 

looking back at my previous post I think I am a desperate woman. I have some self analyzing to do. 

because the world doesn't know that I am hooking up or in a situation but I still  settle for less. In my mind I don’t think I am desperate  because I’m not in a relationship. This is the reason why I think i am not desperate  but i am! 

[upanddown43]

Almost 3 years Later...

Is tumblr still a thing??

A couple days ago I decided  to check my tumblr and I went through all my post and I realized how negative I was. I was in a negative headspace but I had a bit of hope. When I look at those post this is what i think of her:

she is sad, she is alone, but she want to remain hopeful. I feel a bit bad for her. I wish I could hug her and tell her everything is going to be ok. 

Looking back I realized how hard I can be on my self. I need to be thankful because I have gotten so far. But I still am that person always wanting more. 

I am constantly stressing about the future and I need to start learning to appreciate the moment. I am working on it. its not easy!! 

so updates: I love doing these because i get to look back and see how much i have grown. (these posts are for my future self) or anyone that might want to get into my head. 

Career/school

I graduated school and I got a job right after college I didn't event get to have a break. like always. so grateful for this opportunity I have learned so much.

I am currently thinking about switching careers and maybe will talk about that in the near future. 

Health/Wellness

I recently started a medication and I'm doing good so far better than ever honestly. but not perfect. Hoping one day I can go into remission but again will see.

My mental Health is not ok but idk I over think all the time. and some days I do feel down because I don’t know what I am doing with my life. I am afraid of the uncertain future. all my life I have always had a plan. in 8th grade I had decided that I wanted to go to college and it took me almost 7 years to get my bachelor’s. Now that I am done with school I really don’t knw what to do.

That gets me down because I think to my self “ I have no passion or a specific career that I want to get into. but I am trying to just work hard and maybe one day i will get there and find my passion.

 I try to remind myself: You are here to experience the Human Experience. Enjoy the good and bad because one day you will not be on this earth. 

Love

When I looked at all my post I just noticed how heartbroken I was. Most of my post where about someone who had hurt me. 

Well well guess what!?!?!  I am still single

 single for 10 years yes!!!

I have talked, dated, hooked up and gotten into some situations with some guys. so I haven't been single single. For the most part I was just hooking up. Recently, I was in a situationship with a guy for 3 years and after that I was Hooking up with the same guy(a different one) for over 2 years. 

What I have learned so far is that I am done giving myself to just anybody. I wanted to give my self to a man because I wanted that affection and touch by a man. It was hard to find a serious relationship so I had settle for a hookup or situation. 

I am at a point where I am done with that. I want to give myself to a man that loves, respects and cares for me. A man that is truly excited to see me and spend time with me not just in bed. 

So I am currently on that journey which means I also have to work on myself and focus on becoming a better woman because at the end of the day you are who you attract and I am not healed specially after dealing with these men. you would think my ex really messed me up but no there are really toxic men out there , I have experience. I know exactly what i want and how i want to be treated and I will not settle for less. 

I wish I could share more but I don’t want the wrong person to read this. when I look back I will know exactly what I'm talking about. 

SEE you Soon!!

Nothing in life is perfect, we live and we learn right? That is what every one says

[upanddown43]

Dating Advice from a Single Girl

1. Be yourself

 it is hard I know you want to impress that guy but just be you

how? idk you have to figure it out

2. Date multiple men

yes we hear this all the time, the guy you are dating probably is dating other girls too and don't focus on one guy only especially if you just getting to know him 

 3. do not fall into social pressure of dating

if all of your friends are married with kids do not feel pressure to do the same especially if you are not ready

4.  Get to know youself

do you know who you are? what you like and what you dont?

getting to know yourself will make it easier to figure out who is it that you want in your life. 

5. Being alone is ok

yes, it can get lonely especially if everyone around you is in relationships,

life is a journey that you will have to take on your own and one day you will find the one in the meantime get to know who you are going out by yourself, read books, work out, go out and have fun enjoy what who you have. 

6. STOP BEING DESPERATE!!!!

This is the most important please ladies don't be like me and be desperate if he doesn't text or ghost you it's ok there are other guys out there, that is why you should date multiple people. No, you do not have to sleep with them if you don't want and if you do use protection  

#safe sex is great sex better wear a latex

Auri

[upanddown43]

Friends with benefits

After seven years of being single, I am still single. I dived into the dating world not too long ago maybe two years ago ha!. in the past two years I've met some guys and it was nothing but going on a date or two and after that, in we slowly stopped talking. in the recent weeks, I met someone and somehow it turned into a friend with benefits fling. In the beginning, I wasn't sure where it was going but eventually I realized what this was and I am ok with it it's nice.  being single for so long I kinda have an idea if I click with someone or not. I am not going to force anything if there is a connection then there is but if there isn't then that is ok. Forcing something that isn't there is going to hurt it. right now I am living my life as it goes I don't have any expectations or hopes to be in a relationship I know I will my that someone one day and if not it will be in the next lifetime.  

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Another failed attempt at love

So about 5 months ago I met someone that I thought was awesome. He was saying all the right things. Very sweet always checking up on me. I had the attention that I haven't had in almost a decade.  But deep down I knew he wasn't the one but I just love the way we made love, so I ignored all the red flags. I still kept talking to him because he seemed so sweet but at the same time he was full of shit. Long story short he ghosted me and I found out he had a new girlfriend. After 3 weeks of ghosting me, he calls me tells me to come over while still dating the other girl WTF! i swear these guys are such F$#% Boys but i still believe in love. i will focus on myself and I won’t give up on love.  One good thing about meeting him is that i got back into writing poems thanks to him he inspired me. 

[upanddown43]

I asked Him

looking for love in all the wrong places. 

I asked him to send me someone. I wanted to be loved, I was tired of being lonely. so I got what I asked for  I met someone after years of being single and lonely. at first, it all seems so nice and real, this person was really into me and so was I (or so I thought)

 Deep down I knew he wasn't the one but I insisted. I insisted because I had met someone that had interest in me. soon enough I saw certain red flags but I ignored it. I tried to stop talking to him but

he kept begging me, so I was weak and continue to talk to him knowing he wasn't the one. one day I realized that even tho I was finally in a “Relationship” I still felt lonely. I felt lonely because we never had an emotional connection, we couldn't share our feelings with each other. so what's the point in being in a relationship if you aren't able to communicate with each other. I asked him and I got what I asked for but this was not what I expected because my time will come and there is no need to rush.

 so lesson learned: BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU ASK FOR BECAUSE YOU MIGHT JUST GET IT 

[upanddown43]

Dating life

I met this guy in late August and everything was nice he was sweet and when we make Have sex it was wonderful he is very passionate and all and the things we would tell me made me like him even more but I know I have a gut feeling that he is talking to someone else.  he always takes his phone with him wherever he goes and puts it with the screen down. He is over here telling me that he wants me to marry him and have a family. but its all Bullshit. I swear. 

Love is not for me at least not now.  it does make me feel sad because I do want love and I want to be with someone I trust but no it's not going to happen anytime soon and it makes me a bit sad but its okay life will go on and I will get over it

[upanddown43]

Self-Love Tips

This is for anyone that is interested in going on a self-love journey. If you have been feeling like you are lost or depressed and are not happy with how life is going at the moment this is for you!

First thing is that you are in control of yourself. Remember that!

Tip number one say it out loud!

I AM ON A SELF LOVE JOURNEY!

or

MY SELF LOVE JOURNEY STARTS TODAY!

Tip number two surround yourself with positivity

* Find a positive quote online (Instagram, facebook, google. etc) and set it as your home screen. or as easy as printing positive quotes and putting them in your room

* Follow positive people on social media.

Tip number three come up with a positive affirmation

example; every morning when you wake up tell yourself

Today will be a good day.

if you had a bad day at the end of the day tell yourself

Today was not the best day but tomorrow is a brand new day and it will be a good day because I am in control of my feelings.

A final tip which is to start a self-love journal. This journal should be your journey on how you will be becoming a better version of you. write down how you are going to take on this journey and what you want to do and what you will do. Always try to keep it positive!

This is your journey, it will be unique to yourself.

These are just tips to give you an idea of how to start. remember to love yourself and surround yourself with positivity. You have the key in your hands!

Love Aurelia a.k.a Bella.

[upanddown43]

Turning 24

Turning 24 in a couple months and I never felt freer. although I do not have everything that I want I feel happy. It is like I have walked away from a black hole and I am seeing the light. Don't get me wrong my life is not perfect, I am still struggling, still broke and still living in the hood but somehow I know there are good things coming my way. A couple years ago I felt so down I cannot describe it.   a depression: That feeling of hopelessness and loneliness. But somehow, as time passes by it's like I have blossomed. Feeling more positive even through those hard times. I have realize that those problems that i have they are not going to matter years from now as well as I only have one life.The higher power god energy whatever people want to call it somehow choose me and gave me this opportunity to live this one life and one day  I am going to die, so there is no need to worry just live my life and breathe,    

[upanddown43]

Looking...

I look for you in every guy I meet, 

When I meet someone new I think to myself is that who you are. 

for that minute I imagine a relationship, maybe marriage or even a family. 

I quickly start to realize that it's not you”. 

Where are you ?!?!?! My lover; my soulmate. 

I am just a hopeless romantic that continues looking..... 

[upanddown43]

A New life: A new normal

My life has changed ever since I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis. 3 years ago everything changed, I was so sick.,appointments after appointments. medications that bloated my whole body, losing my hair and slowly losing my confidence. insecure, afraid and anxiety hoping that there will be a bathroom near. This illness has made me not live my life to the fullest, I rarely go out. but I do the necessary which is work and school. how do I do it? I am not sure but at least I am able to, unlike others that are far worse than I am

 This new normal has been difficult. I hope that I don't have to be like this all my life because this life that I am living is truly not living. I want to be able to go out without being afraid that I might need to use the bathroom or not eating before I go out so I won't have to use the bathroom later on. Right now like many times in my life, I am not happy I just want to be ok and be able to live a normal life but unfortunately, this is my new normal but it doesn't have to be this way forever I hope that my body can heal its self. 

[upanddown43]

My Writing skills suck

Currently taking a writing intensive class and it’s very difficult for me. I suck at writing yet I love it!!!

Was it the education that I got growing up, was it my elementary school, high school or was it the fact that I went to a community college? 

All I can say is that University is very difficult!!!  for me at least 

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Every year around this time.

Every year around this time, I am thankful. around this time of year it gets super cold here where i live. I may still not have all the luxuries that i need or have the right numbers on my bank account but i am thankful that i am a place to sleep and a house full of food and a heater. I love who i am and i am ok with what i have why?! because i know that this is temporary i will succeed no matter what struggles come my way. it is 2018 i know that this year is going to good

[upanddown43]

Another semester done!!

Another semester done and once again i did not do my best as a should have i feel upset and disappointed. I don’t understand my self i am just so confused i will definitely try better next semester but i will i have to.