vanessahunt

[vanessahunt]

People ask me why I’m still single. They ask, “Why am I alone?” I want to respond with the truth, but I don’t think they could handle it. The truth is, I haven’t always been alone. The truth is, I let someone into my heart. I let a lot of people into my heart. I don’t regret it, but it did hurt. It was painful, because in the end, they were in my heart, but I was not in theirs’. You see, I loved with all I had. It wasn’t much. I know that. I was still trying to figure out what love was. I thought it meant I had to give all I had to the other person and earn their love. I thought that if I was good enough, strong enough, happy enough, then I would be enough for them. Family. Friends. Lovers. It didn’t matter - it was never enough. I was never enough. I was not worthy. I was worthless.

I was betrayed. Confused. And yes, I was hurt. It was a pain so deep I lost sight of who I was. I lost sight of the good things in my life. I lost sight of the hope I had in Christ and I spiraled. I delved deeply into sin. I found comfort in evil things. I searched for meaning on paths of destruction. I turned my back on the only being who has ever loved me unconditionally. The only one who has ever forgiven all my wrongs and wiped my slate clean.

Then the day came where I wondered how painful it would be as the bullet ripped through my head. My heart recoiled at the thought. How could I think such a thought? How could it come to this? How could I give up on the life God gave me?

My Lord and Savior pulled me back. Every step a painful self-realization of how close I had come to ending it all. Every step a sorrowful reminder of how hopeless I was. Every step moved me closer to the light I had turned my back on so long ago. I found peace again. I found love again. I found hope in Christ again. My life became filled with joy and light. I smiled again. I laughed again.

Then you came along. You brought even more joy to my life. I had no idea I could be so happy. That I could find so much solace, support, encouragement in a single person. You prayed for me. You answered every question I had without judgement. You respected me. You laughed with me. My friend. I love you and you have no idea.

[vanessahunt]

Grief is a funny thing. It catches you completely unaware and at the most inopportune moments. The initial news sets you in numbing shock or unstoppable crying, but it doesn’t end there. You can’t just shut it off and on when you want. Losing someone leaves an emptiness inside you that can never be filled by anyone else. Your grief is always there. Time does not heal this wound.

It’s the little things in life that remind you of what you have lost. Everyday after you wake up seemingly fine and then one morning you see a coffee cup, or a book, or a t-shirt, or any item that belonged to the one you lost. Most mornings, it’s fine, but this morning the tears come falling unhindered.

Or maybe, you hear their favorite song, or you go to school and see their locker, or go to work and see their empty parking spot. Maybe it’s the phone number that you call but no one answers anymore. All you want to hear is their voice again or see their face again and you can’t because they’re gone. That’s when the grief sets in. Random moments as you go throughout your day. A stray thought as you drive through town. A whisper in your mind or a flash of a memory. That’s all you have left now. Memories. Flashes. Whispers. Echoes of a time when you were happy with the one you loved.

[vanessahunt]

There’s a difference between knowing in your mind and feeling in your heart. I can tell myself one thing and know that it’s a fact, but I can't make myself believe it in my heart. I can’t force my heart to feel what my mind knows. I know that I am not worthless. I know that I am not unloveable. I know that there are people who care about me. I know that I am doing my best. Yet, in my heart, darkness surrounds me. I don’t feel worthy. I don’t feel loveable. I don’t feel cared about. I don’t feel like I am doing my best.

I feel lost in a dark sea of confusion and loneliness and worthlessness. I feel angry at myself, my family, my so-called friends, and even God. I feel tired of waiting for my day to come. I feel tired of working and working and working, yet not seeing the results. Not seeing my dreams revealed.

I am trying so hard to keep my head above the roaring waves. I am trying so hard to wade through the misery of my dark heart. I want to feel the things I know are true, but I just can’t. It’s a fight inside my soul and on days like today I feel like I’m losing. I feel like I’m drowning even though I know I’m not. Even though I know I can make it. I know I can live to fight another day. I know I am strong and brave and tough and fierce. I just wish I could feel it.

[vanessahunt]

I have a secret. It sometimes feels like it might kill me to keep it in. Yet, I am terrified that if someone found out about it my entire life would crumble. People would see me differently. They would judge me. Reject me. Turn on me. Resent me. Hate me.

It would be a slow betrayal. First would be the shock of learning my secret. Then would come the desire to help me. To change me. To remake me. Next would come anger, because I can't conform to their perfect little world. Then, finally, the judgements they had been holding in would come out and they would walk away.

See, there's no one in my life I trust with this secret. It is the one secret I have held onto for over twelve years. It is my secret and it hurts sometimes, but then, at other times, it brings comfort. It's almost like it becomes an outlet for my anger, my hurt, my stress. Knowing this secret won't kill me. Having this secret won't destroy me. At least, not yet.

[vanessahunt]

They say to write about what scares you. To write about what you fear. Your deepest thoughts. Your deepest desires. Your deepest regrets. They say to write about what’s real and what’s true. The truth is I don’t want to write about my reality. My reality is a deep longing for the touch of another person. It’s a craving deep in my soul that’s been buried underneath a pool of darkness. My reality is a desire to be seen and understood by just one person in the world and to know that even my ugliest, most gut-wrenching scars won’t terrify them. My reality is a cry for someone to find me in my darkness even though there is light all around me. 

I am surrounded by light, yet my soul is in the dark. My heart aches from this despair. It’s not a depression though. I can get up in the morning and smile easily at the little things. My cat purring or a text from a friend. I can go to work and joke and laugh with my co-workers and I am happy. I am very happy. But when I’m home and when it gets silent, that longing returns. That dark pain comes back and wraps me up. 

I dream every night of a different reality. The only difference is, in my dreams, I’m not alone. I’m with the one person who knows me, who wants to keep knowing me. I’m with the one person who looks at me as if I am the only person in the world that can make them smile. In dreaming, I find a reality I want to grab on to and hold tightly. My dreams are better than my reality. So, even though I wake up every morning, and laugh, and smile, and joke. When the night comes, I find myself wanting to sleep because my dreams are waiting for me and that is where I feel at home. 

This is what scares me. This is what I fear. I’m afraid I will live in a fantasy world that doesn’t exist. I feel as if I could go crazy from the fantasy I cling so tightly to. It’s probably not healthy, but it brings me a sense of home.