a vent blog to separate from my "pretty venting" and my "why does life hate me" venting.
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Something about bawling your eyes out that feels good and yet is instantly negated by knowing you'll never feel comfort beyond that
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NO
ITS OK
ITS FINE
EVERYTHING IS ALL FINE BECAUSE IT HAS TO BE WE DONT HAVE ANY OTHER OPTIONS
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There isn't a moment now where i feel safe in my own thoughts.
It would be so simple to simply disappear. To end it all and be done with it. I wouldnt write notes i dont think, but if i did i think now would be the time to. maybe just to have them ready.
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Just to be first, one time
One time to be someone's number one
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Replying to something with "actually I want to kill myself but ok" is probably not the way to go
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I feel like I'm losing my damn mind what's real anymore I don't know
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Sometimes i wonder how long i can last at this rate
I hope it's not long
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Oh no, *im* the one fucking up my relationships with people
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I hate how half the point of having people to talk to is actually starting the conversation like I never wanted to have to talk to you about this
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I'm trying really hard to not be suicidal and scare away new friends but damn shits heavy sometimes
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Am I staying up past a reasonable bedtime because friend promised to play Minecraft with me? Yes.
Will it fuck me over tomorrow when I have to get up at 6:30 and have meetings/classes from 8:00am-5:30pm? Yes.
Am I lonely? Abso-fucking-lutely next question.
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The urge to bite and fight and hurt and push and maim and destroy
All because i am afraid as people draw close
Because they open up my wounds to leave me bleeding
They open my closets to see my skeletons and leave a mess in their wake
The urge to snarl and fight at the notion of someone becoming important, because as soon as they do I can lose them
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