ventblogxx - Tumblr blog

[ventblogxx]

voy a llorar no m paro de comparar con todos

[ventblogxx]

idk if any of u also do this, but doesn't it happen that u want to have really long hair (like reaching my hips long) but u constantly cut it short even tho it doesn't flatter u bc u want to have a reason to live another one or two years? bc i wanna die so bad but im also obsessed with the idea that i need to be a pretty corpse, and i cant do that with unflattering hair, so i have to wait

[ventblogxx]

i deserve to die

[ventblogxx]

[ventblogxx]

i have no idea if im a man or a woman

[ventblogxx]

i wish i was skinny

[ventblogxx]

i wanna b loved so bad but i feel unlovable. i feel like even if someone did love me id feel so guilty and undeserving of it

[ventblogxx]

god i wanna b loved so bad

[ventblogxx]

why cant i just b a pretty boy

[ventblogxx]

i dont feel like i deserve to be sad or angry or frustrated

[ventblogxx]

u know how u fantasize about stuff that would make u happy? or at least u think it would? eg: ur ideal body type, a perfect relationship, a nice apartment, a cat, good grades. i do too obviously but then when i think about it they wouldn't actually make me happy. i dont actually want them. i just want to be gone. food used to comfort me. i used to get excited when i ordered take out at my favorite place. now i dont. i used to get super happy and proud when i got a high grade in class. now i just think about how i could've done better and even if i get a perfect mark, i feel like i don't deserve it or like it's meaningless anyways. all those little joys of life that used to keep me going just.. dont do it for me anymore. and i despise myself for that

[ventblogxx]

one moment i think im ok and i think things are gonna change but then they fucking dont and im surprised? am i that stupid that i cannot notice and recognize a pattern in the exact same situation i've been through a hundred times?

it always happens like this. i go tru a very low low, then i "recover" plan out my entire fucking life, see my previous problems as insignificant and adapt a positive attitude, then i get irritated at my loved ones and snap at them, then i crash. and the process repeats itself over and over again. im so tired. i dont wanna live like this

[ventblogxx]

im so jealous of everyone. everyone is prettier or smarter or more talented than me or more loveable than me and it makes me so angry both at them and myself

[ventblogxx]

i wish with every single bone in my body i was not born but still im too much of a coward to actually kms

[ventblogxx]

i dont feel like i deserve to feel pity for myself. everytime i catch myself feeling bad about myself or regretting things i've done or feeling compassion for myself for all i've been through i get so grossed out i cant stand it. that doesn't mean i stop tho and that makes it even worse

[ventblogxx]

my head hurts all the time pills dont help and it's probably because of all the times i've hit myself in the head

[ventblogxx]

i cant look at myself in the mirror i disgust myself im the exact same kind of person i hate the most