venting-sideblog

[venting-sideblog]

Dear fucking god if anyone here wants to bitch at me for using my own goddamn methods of calming down that dont impact them in anyway whatsoever then im gonna be this goddamn close to bashing some bitch's skull into the kitchen countertop jesus christ cant people just shut the fuck up for once

[venting-sideblog]

time to play: hear how i feel about different people and guess who that person is to me! Also known as: I'm rambling to get stuff off of my chest! Also known as x2: Write about my feelings until i start to tear up because i like torturing myself for nothing! Fuck my life! Anyways lets start! The prize is. Uh. Hug emojis.

do you ever think about how even when you haven't seen someone for years but left with a good image of them it's hard for you to ever truly see them as a bad person? either you start noticing signs in your memories or people who knew them longer tell you more stories about them and you gradually start to realize more and more that they aren't the super kind, fun person you thought they were and it ruins your worldview about anything by a slight because its such a world-shattering revelation that everything is taken into question and nothing can ever go back to the same way it was before because of it?

that's how i feel about my mom :> 🫂

do you ever think about how someone youve known for so many years and have seen genuinely make mistakes and recover from them, who has their flaws but is earnest in their care for you, and who is so close to you that theyre an integral part of your life, but one day you see them do something absolutely fucking terrible without ever showing proper remorse or even accepting that they may be wrong and you genuinely have to force yourself to feel hate for them because you know that what they did was terrible even if every other bone in your body wants so badly to believe that its all just fake?

that's how i feel about my dad :/ 🫂

are you ever so close to someone who takes care of you but when you actually seem to experience a deeper, more convoluted type of distress they suddenly treat you like a complete interloper and try to guilt trip you into not showing emotions and you genuinely want them dead for the first time in forever because youve honestly never felt so betrayed in your life but you also cant bare to hurt them because you still love them so much and you hate how much you love them?

that's how i feel about my grandma :< 🫂

do you ever think about how shitty someone is and/or has been to you for a majority of your life but now they suddenly wanna act all sad about it and keep venting to you and now you just think that theyre so pitiful youd feel bad for leaving?

that's how i feel about my grandfather >:[ 🫂

do you ever see someone come into that pathetic excuse of a person's life and start babying them and coddling them and acting as if all of their flaws are just normal things and trying to shove them under the rug? and they keep fucking acting like they know everything about that person who has hurt you and treating the pain that that person has caused you like a joke essentially?

that's how i feel about my step-grandma >~> 🫂

do you ever spend so little time with someone who you were so excited to be near and lose the chance to see them and—though you never realize it—start feeling like you lost an important part of your life, like a role you desperately need to fill in your life, and suddenly you realize one day that this was a connection you desperately needed in your life? But now that its been a few years without contact you realize that they may not even recognize you when/if they ever got to meet you again and they probably dont think youre as important to them as they are to you even though you had this romanticized (not like romantically) perception of them your whole life that is a part of your worldview?

that's how i feel about my little sister ._. 🫂

do you ever meet a certain person one day and have this urge to start protecting them and playing with them and deriving a stupid amount of joy from their presence only to realize that the reason you cherish them so much is because they fill the role of the adorable but kinda distant younger sibling that youve been wanting to retain your whole life but might never get to and you suddenly start crying iver it because you realize just how much it means to you?

that's how i feel about my little cousin U^U 🫂

do you ever join a group at a particularly bad point in your life, not really fit in but hang around anyway, and eventually see everyone else turn against eachother save for this one person who you slowly connect with anyway and eventually its just you two for years and it feels so nice and perfect and being with them is like paradise and they basically fix all of your issues and comfort you and are genuinely the best thing you may have ever had in your entire life and it feels like even if the rest of the world is uncertain or cruel, atleast you'll have them around and that'll make literally everything okay because you'll be with them in the end no matter what? But there was this One Particular Thing that you two have never spoken about seriously that you definitely should have spoken about seriously and its such a massive important thing that youve kinda been dropping hints about and you assumed that they had a surface level idea of what this One Particular Thing was that—even though you know itd be wrong to carry on given it—you assumed they must have known and decided to keep quiet about for both of your sakes, and you keep quiet because this person is quite literally everything to you and more and youve also been conditioned by other, far worse people into thinking that this One Particular Thing was nothing compared to the extent of your love for eachother so you shut up about it but you love them so much and you would never actually lie to them so much as willingly keep quiet so the one day someone else brings it up, you tell them the truth about this One Particular Thing without fully understanding the situation and when they confront you about it you finally realize that they genuinely didn't pick up on the hints and they genuinely didn't realize the worst about that One Particular Thing and you essentially ruined everything on your own by letting things get too out of hand and being too fucking stupid and now you're experiencing identity crises, episodes, and meltdowns over this because you lost the one person that meant more than anything else to you all over your own stupidity snd now you genuinely cant think of yourself in any context without them and the now ruined relationship with them that practically held you together?

Thats That One Ex. The Best I've Ever and Will Ever Have. Fucking kill me my god i cant bare to think about them anymore but i cant dtop dwelling over it. They meant the universe and world to me and i fucked it all up because i was stubborn and stupid and couldnt realize the simplest of things goddamnit. I still havent let myself fully cry over this without trying to hide it yet because i just haven't had any time to between family and school and i just want to fix everything again but i cant. I csnt and its all my fault qnd i ruined their happiness for nothing but my own selfishness

🫂

aanyways. uhm. do you knowthat one person who is so cool and awesome and supportive and has their flaws but does their best and is honestly a lovely person who im sending all of my love and support right now? thats right, its youuu. please stay safe and be okay ilove yall 🫂

🫂

[venting-sideblog]

God im so fucking selfish sometimes and im trying to get over that and im trying to be better, but it absolutely fucks me over when people keep trying to tell me that its okay that i did this or that because of my NPD. No, that doesnt fucking make it okay for me to lie to those that planned their futures with me

I especially hate 'you dont need to change yourself, youre NPD is a part of you!!!'

Like...thats not helping me recover. Especially in my manic episodes where saying something like that is 9 times outta 10 going to enable my thought process and let me act like more of an asshole. Please fuck off.

[venting-sideblog]

I was dating her for awhile, but then she broke up with me a few months ago and asked if we could just use no labels for our relationship, which I thought was fine! I wanted to make her happy.

But she realized that she might actually be straight A few days ago, so I thought maybe she'd be finished with our thing, but she said that apparently she still loves me romantically? But then she started rambling about how much she was into this one boy who I knew she was crushing on prior to our relationship, and she didn't stop talking about him and calling him all sorts of things she used to call me, and it just breaks my heart.

I'm starting to really thing that it would be better for me to break up with her fully. None of the 'no labels' stuff or any implication of a romantic relationship, just over completely. I don't know how to tell her that, though, because my mind keeps thinking that maybe she'll really love me again and this was just an odd moment on her end, or that she might want to be in a real romantic relationship again soon, but...I don't know anymore.

I'm texting my older brother about it. He's better with thos stuff then I am, so maybe he'll have advice for me. He probably won't respond, though, and I'm scared of asking any of my friends for advice because they all talk to my 'girlfriend/no labels partner or whatever she calls it' and I'm afraid that one of them might accidentally slip what I said to her.

[venting-sideblog]

I still haven't been able to just suck it up and go online for some reason. Like on discord, I mean.

I've been telling myself that I'll go on and finally talk to my friends again, but I just keep chickening out and not going whenever I get the opportunity.

It's really terrible because I have so many really close friends on there, and one of them has been messaging me for months trying to make sure that I'm okay and telling me that it's okay and today they just texted me something that was basically worrying about whether or not I've committed suicide based on the few times I've updated my status, and now I want to talk to them so badly but I feel like they'll hate me for scaring them like that over my social anxiety even though they keep messaging me about how they won't be mad.

I miss them so so much but I just- I dunno. I wanna talk to my school counselor, but it's the summer, and I have a few more weeks until school is back up again. Even then, I don't know if she'll still be my counselor.

[venting-sideblog]

I think my guardian has been catching onto the fact that I'm not eating properly. Recently, she's been buying me a ton of candies and high-cal snacks just for like...no reason at all other than for me to eat, and she's been commenting about how skinny I am all the time. She doesn't like it when I share my snacks with anyone else either because she says I should eat them all myself, even though when I was better in health, she said I should share whenever I could.

(Also, just to be clear, I'm not thinspo or anything like that, I'm trying to recover, but I'm still scared that she might be catching on or something)

[venting-sideblog]

I had to call my guardian to pick me up because the pain is getting so bad and all of the people at my church program are getting worried and shit.

I have like two friends at church, another volunteer and a leader, but this is the last day I'm gonna get to be here for this year, and I feel like I'm letting them down by having to leave on the last day. I hate this.

This isn't like a really bad vent or anything, but my chest is hurting like crazy. I don't really know how to explain it, but the best I can do is say that it feels like there's a knot in my chest or something tightening, and whenever I breath it hurts my chest a lot and I don't like it :(

I already took 2 puffs of my inhaler but it hasn't made it any better yet.

Some advice would be appreciated <3

[venting-sideblog]

It just got worse. Damnit.

So now my chest is hurting whenever I walk or move it, and I have to hunch over when that happens because it hurts so much, and I still can't breath that well without my chest hurting

And even when I'm just standing still or straight it still hurts even more, and I sat down to try and relieve the pain, but now I can't stand back up because my entire ribcage starts hurting

Advice is still appreciated

This isn't like a really bad vent or anything, but my chest is hurting like crazy. I don't really know how to explain it, but the best I can do is say that it feels like there's a knot in my chest or something tightening, and whenever I breath it hurts my chest a lot and I don't like it :(

I already took 2 puffs of my inhaler but it hasn't made it any better yet.

Some advice would be appreciated <3

[venting-sideblog]

This isn't like a really bad vent or anything, but my chest is hurting like crazy. I don't really know how to explain it, but the best I can do is say that it feels like there's a knot in my chest or something tightening, and whenever I breath it hurts my chest a lot and I don't like it :(

I already took 2 puffs of my inhaler but it hasn't made it any better yet.

Some advice would be appreciated <3

[venting-sideblog]

Helloooo. Welcome to my side blog where I vent because I need to do that sometimes.

I don't know what to type as an intro. This is a vent blog, so it's obviously gonna be triggering and talk about stuff like that. If that stuff isn't for you, I recommend clicking off.

Please don't DM me asking to be friends /lh I'm not...I guess I'm not really equipped to handle making more online friends right now. Or atleast very close ones. I can probably handle casual conversations though. Hopefully.

I don't really wanna make a long DNI list of everyone I don't want interacting, so uh- just don't interact if you are going to discriminate based on gender, orientation, race, religion, age, or anything like that...that sounds like a good list to avoid.

I'm okay with any blog or person besides that interacting though.

Also, just to make myself clear, I do support paraphiles who are non-contact and recovering paraphiles, and they are free to interact. I, myself, am a non-contact, recovering paraphile.

I'll use tags as a way to put trigger warnings on my posts, so feel free to ask me to tag anything at all.

I am neurodivergent. I have diagnosed ADHD, and some other suspected neurodivergencies, but I only feel comfortable saying I have ADHD for now.

I use tone tags a lot, as I have a very difficult time understanding and communicating my tone in conversations.

I don't know why I'm doing the big spaces in between each line. It helps me organize my thoughts better, I guess.

I use all pronouns, including neopronouns. Everything is alright for me. I also don't really have a preferred honorific...and I guess you can just make up a random nickname for me if you want to call me a name or anything. I don't mind.

...uh...I dunno what else to put. :/

...I am sleepy.

That's it I guess. Uhm.

Okay, bye. Have a nice night, you wacky li'l forest cryptids /pos /aff

[venting-sideblog]

I feel really upset that I seem to get really attached to someone just to suddenly start feeling overwhelmed by their affection

Like, with my first ever partner, I loved them so, so much the first few years, but by like the 3rd or 4th year I started getting so uncomfortable with them showing me physical affection that I started to get really upset with them and kept trying to distance myself. At some point I stopped loving them completely despite being so happy with them not long ago.

And now I can't even find the motivation to talk with my online friends- the only people I have to comfort me when I'm not at school because I don't feel comfortable talking with my family about anything- so I've been ignoring them and not getting on all my main socials because I feel too drained to talk to them.

And like 6 or 7 of my online friends actually reached out to ask what was wrong (because I put in my Discord bio that I was having a difficult time) but I ignored all of them besides for 2 of them.

And I just told those 2 people to tell 2 of my other friends that I loved them and that I was trying to get better...like I'm such a fucking coward that I couldn't even tell more people myself and I had to get someone else to do it for me.

All of those friends told me it was okay and that they'd wait for me to get back one day- but it's been months and I feel like such an asshole for leading them in and making them wait for me even though I'm probably never going to get better anytime soon.

I hate it. I just want to talk to my friends again but I'm too damn stupid to get enough motivation to actually say hi or anything. I'm the worst excuse of a 'friend' ever, i hate this so much.

[venting-sideblog]

the urge to put myself in dangerous situations just to feel something

[venting-sideblog]

I don't feel safe anywhere

[venting-sideblog]

this has gotten even worse.

I can breathe properly, but now I cant breathe comfortably- if that makes sense. Standing straight up feels like I'm pushing my ribcage and insides back against eachother, but standing even a teeny tiny bit slumped forward feels...I'm not sure how to phrase this...like my insides are trying to force their way out of my ribcage.

The most comfortable I managed to get is leaning on my side on the arm of my couch, but even then it feels heavy and restricting. Its not even insanely painful or anything but I can't- this is just too much goddamnit.

I'm having a hard time deciding whether I want to tell anyone or not because I'm probably just being overdramatic or some shit and my guardian will probably think that aswell

I really need some advice or something please this is terrible I just want to cry

I never understood what it meant for your chest to feel heavy until now.

it's weird and I'm super anxious about nothing and everything at the same time and it hurts kinda- I hate it, and I tried telling and guardian but she didnt know what to do besides give me a hug and I also do know what wrong but I want it

its like a numb feeling, but the numbness is so overwhelming god I hate it

[venting-sideblog]

my guardian and my cousin took me on a walk. at some point my cousin started running and I tried to catch up, but my stomach started hurting even more then it usually does when running and its been a few minutes, but I still am having a difficult time breathing.

in the end, the walk was nice, but I still do feel any better.

I never understood what it meant for your chest to feel heavy until now.

it's weird and I'm super anxious about nothing and everything at the same time and it hurts kinda- I hate it, and I tried telling and guardian but she didnt know what to do besides give me a hug and I also do know what wrong but I want it

its like a numb feeling, but the numbness is so overwhelming god I hate it

[venting-sideblog]

I never understood what it meant for your chest to feel heavy until now.

it's weird and I'm super anxious about nothing and everything at the same time and it hurts kinda- I hate it, and I tried telling and guardian but she didnt know what to do besides give me a hug and I also do know what wrong but I want it

its like a numb feeling, but the numbness is so overwhelming god I hate it