victorromeofox-blog

[victorromeofox-blog]

Recognizing Abusive and Controlling Relationships

Abusive and controlling relationships have been coming up in a number of my conversations recently, so I wanted to make a quick post about it. There are tons of great posts and infographics about BDSM vs. abuse that I’ve seen around Tumblr, and people calling out abusive behaviors and people, which is great to see. 

One resource that I always go back to and recommend to others is Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft (2003). I’ve found copies at just about every bookstore, you can grab it on OpenLibrary here, or find a PDF version on Archive.org. It contains knowledge, experience, and insight that Bancroft has gathered through over 30 years of work with abusive relationships and counselling abusers. It is written to be very easy to read and understand, despite the difficult topics presented.

For example, in Part I, Bancroft addresses various myths about abusers and explains why these myths don’t hold up under examination:

He was abused as a child

His previous partner hurt him

He abuses those he loves the most

He holds in his feelings too much

He has an aggressive personality

He loses control

He is too angry

He is mentally ill

He hates women

He is afraid of intimacy and abandonment

He has low self-esteem

His boss mistreats him

He has poor skills in communication and conflict resolution

There are as many abusive women as abusive men

His abusiveness is as bad for him as for his partner

He is a victim of racism

He abuses alcohol or drugs

I’ve seen these excuses a hundred times from people in abusive relationships, or from people who have witnessed abuse from the outside but don’t think that they need to step in. There is no excuse for abuse - it is always unacceptable, and the weak rationalizations that abusers try to employ as distractions fall apart under scrutiny. The realities that Bancroft puts forth instead are that:

He is controlling

He feels entitled

He twists things into their opposites

He disrespects his partner and considers himself superior to her

He confuses love and abuse

He is manipulative

He strives to have a good public image

He feels justified

Abusers deny and minimize the abuse

Abusers are possessive

Bancroft illustrates all these points with not just theory, but actual examples of conversations and counselling sessions he’s had with abusers in the past, which really help to drive the point home (and show how insidious abusive thinking and behavior is). Even just reading Part I has been tremendously helpful to establish a common language and understanding around abuse, clearly identify when abuse is happening in a relationship, and untangle the cognitive distortions that are knotted up around abusive behavior on both ends.

This should be a must-read for everyone regardless of age, gender, or relationship, but especially those in D/s dynamics. We need to be particularly vigilant and self-aware of the line between BDSM and abuse and always be introspective about our motivations, goals, and power dynamics. ▪️

Bancroft, L. (2003). Why does he do that?: Inside the minds of angry and controlling men. Berkley Books.

[victorromeofox-blog]

Some periodic reminders!

Main Blog

This is my “primary blog”, so you’ll see likes, follows, and comments from this account.

@violent-rape-fantasies-2 is the main blog to which I actually post - follow me there!

Disclaimer

Consensual non-consent should only be practiced with consenting, informed adults and requires thorough discussion of kinks, limits, risk mitigation, and aftercare.

Porn and fantasies do not show the complete picture of what constitutes healthy, conscientious kink including negotiation, limits, safewords, aftercare, and accommodations.

Interactions

Please have your age in your bio/pinned to follow/interact with either @victorromeofox-blog​ or @violent-rape-fantasies-2.  I block and do not follow back any ageless and blank blogs.

I don’t interact with blogs containing hate (including misogyny, racism, homophobia, transphobia, fatphobia, and slut-shaming), pro-anorexia content, raceplay, or anti-scientific/anti-mask/anti-vax/COVID-denial posts, amongst others.

Contact

Please send Asks and Submissions to @violent-rape-fantasies-2!

The VRF Discord is by invite to folks I’ve gotten to know and trust.

[victorromeofox-blog]

PS— it’s good to know Ya think of me still even though Your memory is goin’ Oldie 🥰

Always, kiddo. 😘

I'm not too far away these days either 🖤 You know how you can reach me if you're ever free!

[victorromeofox-blog]

[victorromeofox-blog]

Yes, I absolutely agree with this that many of the activities we engage in are violence, and that violence does not have to be abusive. This was one of the big reasons that my BDSM blog name specified violent as the first word. To me, it’s important to be clear and plain that these acts involve violence and control so that we can create informed consent and safety.

I saw a post the other day about how we 'mustn't' call bdsm, or certain acts of kinkyfuckery, violence.

And yeah, while I do get where the OP & subsequent commenters are coming from, I do need to point out that impact play - the specific example used in the post - is inherently violent.

The act of striking another person - whether consensual or not - is, by its very nature, an act of violence.

And that's totally fine.

There's nothing wrong with enjoying violent - consensual - acts or - consensual - violence in general.

There's nothing wrong with engaging in - consensual - violent acts aka violence.

The problem comes in when (some) people

a) insist that a violent act simply cannot be violent because it's wanted/needed

b) insist that everybody adhere to their very narrow (ignorant) definition of what violence (and bdsm) is

c) speak over & actively shame people who subscribe to a different view.

Sadism - by its very nature - implies violence. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Please stop trying to impose meaningless restrictions on bdsm and the vast array of diverse individuals who practice it.

I like my kinkyfuckery violent as all hell and really take issue with random clowns on the internet telling me that what I do isn't violence - especially when they don't understand what violence is or are trying to oversimplify it in order to make violent acts more palatable - or that I'm wrong for engaging with it.

Fuck off with your 'wun twu way' bollocks - if you can't face the fact that hitting your partner is an act of violence - no matter how much they beg for or benefit from it - that's a you problem. Do the work of coming to terms with your proclivities - or not - but for the love of fuck, stop trying to force everybody else into your box of stupid.

Particularly since doing so is in and of itself a - non-consensual - act of violence.

[victorromeofox-blog]

Being into degradation and cnc makes it so hard to find blogs that are actually devoted to healthy and consensual experiences and not thinly veiled misogyny, homophobia, or transphobia

So, uh… please reblog this if you’re a cnc or degradation blog that also respects consent, aftercare, and people of all orientations and identities

[victorromeofox-blog]

Incredibly important - and completely accurate from my personal and anecdotal experiences.

Abusers don’t come with warning labels.  Abusers don’t hit you on the first date. They don’t write “I will humiliate and belittle you” on their Tinder profiles. They don’t wear “I break things to intimidate my partner” t-shirts. People don’t get trapped in damaging relationships because they saw an abuser coming from 20 yards away and decided “I’m going to date that person anyway”. That’s not how any of this works.  In the beginning, abusers can be some of the most thoughtful, attentive people you’ll ever meet. They’re obsessed with you; that’s what makes them so toxic and deadly as time goes on. Abusers buy you flowers. They remember your birthday. They remember to text you “good morning” and “good night”. They listen to your problems, confide in you and share silly inside jokes. They can keep that “loving, doting partner and best friend” mask in place for months or years if they have to.  So the first time they scream at you or hit you, you don’t see an abuser. You see your best friend, your confidante, the person who brought you soup when you were sick and always laughs at your stories about your nutty coworker. You tell yourself they just had a bad day. Maybe they were tired, sick, hungry, or under a lot of stress. You know them. You’ve made a life with them. And they’re so sorry and so ashamed of what they did. This isn’t who they are.  And so things go back to back to normal for a while. Wonderful, even. This is still one of the best relationships you’ve ever been in, even counting that one incident. You go back to date nights, cozy nights in and 5-hour-long conversations that feel effortless. And then it happens again.  And you still don’t see an abuser. You see the person who means the most to you in the whole world. You decide that maybe they’re just struggling. Maybe they have mental health issues. They’ve told you every horrible thing that’s ever happened to them as a child, and maybe it has something to do with that. But either way, they’re not an abuser. Not yet. They’re just a person who needs you more than ever.  Then things are good for a while. Then something bad happens. Then it’s good again. Then it’s bad. Good. Bad. Good. Bad. And every time it happens, it gets a little harder to get out. The time you’ve invested in the relationship goes up, and your self-esteem goes down. By the time you realize that, yes, the person you thought you knew is an Abuser with a capital A, you’re in deep. You’re a frog that stood in a pot of water so long it turned you into soup before you even noticed it was getting a little warm. But you didn’t ask for this. And you certainly didn’t know it was coming.  We have this image in our heads of what abusers must look like. We picture brawny men with low foreheads and stained white tank tops, screaming at their wives while they drink beer in front of the TV. We think they’re like wildlife, as if we could spot them with the help of a guidebook and know to stay far away from them. But they’re not. Abusers can be anyone. They can be female. They can be accomplished. They can be well-groomed. Queer. Politically far-left. Politically far-right. Artists. Athletic. Charitable. Intelligent. They can come from any walk of life, any spot on the gender spectrum, any religion, any background. It’s not the abused person’s fault for not spotting them - they can’t always be spotted. It’s the abuser’s fault for abusing. 

[victorromeofox-blog]

“Is Your Kink Related to Your Trauma?”

I’ve noticed lately that @amysubmits has gotten a few asks about how trauma and BDSM can be or are related, and her responses are always very thorough and thoughtful. And it’s made me think a lot about how people frame that particular question; “Is your trauma related to your practices in kink and BDSM?”

I think usually when people ask that, they’re framing it in the context of “are you into this because you were traumatized and you’re using it as a way to cope/process/etc.?” For example, if someone is into degradation it’s because they were bullied growing up, or if someone is into impact play it’s because they were subject to corporal punishment in school. This question is often framed around “you suffered xyz so now you’re sexualizing it to work through it,” which can be true even if these questions are often asked with a pseudo concerned holier than thou attitude.

I’ve seen lots of people on here (and on tiktok also as a new trend), who do gravitate towards kinks that are directly related to previous abuse and trauma in that way. So when someone asks such a question I think they typically expect to get an answer based on some internalized issues that they can then get brownie points for being worried about or make themselves feel better that maybe they think they’re coping with the same issues in a healthier way. Or maybe not, some people are just curious. And even most of the answers I see to this question are affirming in that particular way, kink can be a powerful tool to help reclaim trauma responses.

But there’s another perspective that question can be asked and answered through, even though it might be worded exactly the same. I can use myself as an example because it’s true across the board for me. If anyone were ever to ask me if my involvement in kink and BDSM was directly related to my trauma, the honest answer would be yes — for the exact opposite reason. Whereas someone else might be into degradation because they were bullied growing up, degradation is on my hard limit list because I was bullied (and gaslit) growing up.

In fact, the majority of the things on my hard limit list are things I’ve experienced trauma from — so I want to keep them out of my kink experience completely. I’m not drawn to BDSM because it’s a healthy way for me to cope with certain things (and it should never be used as a replacement for therapy), I’m drawn to it because it offers things that are in direct opposition to those things that I have suffered. BDSM promotes trust and communication and honesty and attention and teamwork, things that I have rarely ever experienced in my close personal relationships. I have been lied to, cheated on, gaslit, manipulated, abused, and taken advantage of in nearly every aspect of my personal life. I have been thoroughly traumatized consistently for the past 26 years.

So yes, of course my BDSM practice is related to my trauma — I’m looking for something healthier than what a vanilla relationship can provide for me that will help me unlearn all of those things I’ve been told about my self worth. Even the vast majority of my kinks are rooted in opposing my abandonment issues, things that make me feel seen and owned and looked after and paid attention to and cared about.

Some people experience BDSM in direct correlation to their trauma, and that’s okay! But some of us experience it in direct opposition to our trauma, and that’s okay too. So either way, I think the answer to the question “is your interest in BDSM related to your trauma?” is yes a lot of the time, but not always in the same way or for the same reasons — or the reasons people assume when they ask in the first place.

Also, sometimes the answer is simply no, or I’m not sure, and no further explanation is necessary or owed.

[victorromeofox-blog]

I'll add that a red flag for me personally is refusing to show a recent set of STI tests before playing with a new partner.

Be smart, be safe, and trust your instincts. You are worth being treated the way you deserve - don't settle or rush!

To young women in the BDSM community:

Being young and a woman in the BDSM scene is fun.

Sure, you’ve got a flooded inbox of guys wanting to play with you and a seemingly endless fountain of opportunities. Hell, even some guys may want to buy you things! But, before you get to the fun, you really need to make sure you’re safe. It would be kind of embarrassing to be found dead in a ditch with pink fluffy handcuffs on (or worse). Here’s some advice I’d like to give to girls first starting out, possibly looking into their first BDSM relationship.

Don’t settle for the first self-proclaimed Dom to walk into your inbox!

Sure, it’s enticing. But, you really have to examine the person you’re going to give your trust too first. This is the person you’re going to give your control over to (temporarily) and you have to be sure that they’re 1) trustworthy 2) not trying to manipulate you just for sex and 3) a good person. Because at the end of the day, a BDSM dynamic is more of a relationship than just sex.

Someone may come into your inbox, say that they’re compatible with your kinks and want to make your fantasies true, but you have to look at it rationally. Don’t let your hormones take over your decision.

You’re young. You have so much time to find a good dynamic/relationship, don’t rush into it. But also, dip your toes in the water and find out what you like!

Always be on the lookout for the red flags.

If you feel that weird uncertain feeling in your gut, say bye, Felicia!

Here are some common ones.

Young Doms tend to have more red flags as they’re more inexperienced (not always, this is a generalization).

If they don’t ask for your ID before playing with them, that could also be a red flag. As a 19-year-old with babyface, every good Dom I’ve had has asked for it in advance. Consider it a green flag if they do.

If they aren’t concerned about your safety as a young woman, that’s a serious red flag.

Your safety comes before EVERYTHING.

Always make sure to text at least one friend the address of where you’re going to be going beforehand.

Meet up before playing just for a coffee date. If they’re not willing to go on a lil date with you beforehand and just want to play right away, get the hell out of there! Make sure it’s in a public space. Never meet up with someone directly at their house.

Check that they’re STD free and/or use the correct protection.

Always play with a safe word.

Optional: bring pepper spray or a knife with you, just in case.

Talk with them at least a week in advance to playing. If they aren’t willing to put in that effort, drop ‘em.

Make sure they know and respect your limits.

Have a friend call you 30 minutes into your first play-date. If you’re in trouble, pretend that they’re your sibling and you have to go help. (This has helped me before, I was roofied without my knowledge and was uncomfortable with the guy so when my friend called me it was a saving grace. It wasn’t 30 minutes after until I was driving when it kicked in. Yikes.)

And lastly, make sure it’s the right person.

Your first BDSM dynamic is special! Hell, every dynamic is special. Make sure you’re not just looking to get spanked and slapped around by anyone, make sure you have the right Dom.

There are sooooo many girls who have rushed into BDSM that have found themselves in the lap of an abuser. Make sure you’re in the lap of a caring person who also shares your kinks and is willing to do them with you safely!

I probably sound like your mom lecturing you but, as a 19-year-old girl, these are the things I’d wish I would have listened to. And remember, you can always say no. Use it like it’s your goddamn superpower.

Feel free to put your own advice below to the post to help out!

[victorromeofox-blog]

🐼🐼🐼

[victorromeofox-blog]

Aftercare. 💙✨

I know most people know what subdrop is, but for the few who don’t I’ll explain.

Subdrop is what happens to your body after you’ve drained your brain of all the hormones and chemicals that it released during a scene or session.

Meaning, after you‘ve come down from your high, you start to feel mentally and emotionally attacked from what just happened. You start to think all these bad things about yourself and how someone normal would not find what just occurred pleasurable in anyways.

That’s why aftercare is important. Showering your sub in compliments,food, cuddle sessions. Just stuff that will make them feel like you care and that you don’t judge them for enjoying what they like.

Another thing, I’m positive that most people don’t know is what topdrop is. It’s the same as subdrop but it affects doms/dommes.

I know some people will be like- “Doms/dommes don’t go through that, nothing like that bothers them.” That’s where you’re wrong.

Remember we’re all human so no one is exempt from feeling used or feeling disgusted with their actions even though they shouldn’t be.

Not many know this but being a dom/domme is exhausting. A good top plans physical punishments or sexual scenes down to the T so their is no room for accidents and after all that planning and executing said plan they sometimes feel bad for doing what they did or even feel used in a sense.

That’s why aftercare is important for both parties. Show them that you care and that you appreciate what they did. Reassure them that they didn’t hurt you in a bad way and that they only did what they did to help you grow. ASK👏 THEM👏 IF👏 THEY’RE👏 OKAY👏!! Especially right after a session.

That can be the difference between showing that you care or not.

AFTERCARE IS A NECESSITY FOR BOTH PARTICIPANTS!!👏💙✨

[victorromeofox-blog]

Coercion is used in many sexual assaults. It can look different in different situations, but ultimately all coercion is manipulation. It can happen through:

pressuring (e.g. repeatedly asking someone until they are worn down)

threatening (e.g. “I’ll break up with you if you don’t have sex with me”)

intimidating (e.g. smashing something when someone says “no”)

blackmailing (e.g. “I’ll tell everyone you’re gay if you don’t”)

guilt-tripping (e.g “If you really loved me you would have sex with me”)

It’s important to understand that the person was not given the space to freely say “no.” (Source: ConsentEd)

If your partner cannot freely say no or use a safeword without explanation or qualification, it is manipulation, not consent.

If your partner cannot change their mind about something to which they previously consented without fear of reprisal or consequences, it is manipulation, not consent.

If your partner feels unsafe saying no to you or using their safeword with you, it is manipulation, not consent.

The semantics of consent may change in a BDSM/CNC context, but the principles do not.  Play without consent is abuse. ▪

You shouldn’t have to convince someone to say “yes.” 

[victorromeofox-blog]

Good morning, kinksters 🖤 Hope you're having a good weekend, even with the daylight savings jump!

I'm always open to getting to know more folks:

Reblog or reply if you want me to come say hello

Reply or Ask with a fantasy or gif that you're craving today

Tell me which scenarios you want to see more of on the VRF Website

Add and message me on Discord at VictorRomeoFox#6065 to chat or get access to the VRF Discord community!

Please remember that I do not interact with any blogs that don't have an age listed in their bio/pinned.

[victorromeofox-blog]

Some periodic reminders!

Main Blog

This is my "primary blog", so you'll see likes, follows, and comments from this account.

@violent-rape-fantasies-2 is the main blog to which I actually post - follow me there!

Disclaimer

Consensual non-consent should only be practiced with consenting, informed adults and requires thorough discussion of kinks, limits, risk mitigation, and aftercare.

Porn and fantasies do not show the complete picture of what constitutes healthy, conscientious kink including negotiation, limits, safewords, aftercare, and accommodations.

Interactions

Please have your age in your bio/pinned to follow/interact with either @victorromeofox-blog​ or @violent-rape-fantasies-2.  I block and do not follow back any ageless and blank blogs.

I don’t interact with blogs containing hate (including misogyny, racism, homophobia, transphobia, fatphobia, and slut-shaming), pro-anorexia content, raceplay, or anti-scientific/anti-mask/anti-vax/COVID-denial posts, amongst others.

Contact

Please send Asks and Submissions to @violent-rape-fantasies-2!

The VRF Discord is by invite to folks I've gotten to know and trust.

[victorromeofox-blog]

I love this post and the work you put into it. Thank you.

Reality & Fantasy

It’s common to draw a distinction between reality and fantasy in the Tumblr kink world. Typically I’ve see this done in two ways:

1. To draw boundaries for bloggers. Some version of:

This blog represents a role play for me. / The persona I channel on my blog is not one I embody all the time. Sharing my fantasies does not give you consent to influence my reality - I owe you nothing.

2. To caution and/or reassure readers.

What you see on social media is curated - the reality is very different. You shouldn’t compare yourself to what you see there because it isn’t the full picture: it is a fantasy.

The first isn’t really relevant to me. My method of dealing with the issue that it addresses is to ignore any messages that don’t meet my standards. Is it a full proof method? No. I ignore a lot of messages and, sure, I might be missing a connection, but I don’t want to put energy into policing the way others engage with my blog - a personal choice.

It’s the second one that is relevant - and when I see people interact with my blog saying Goals or I want this please, I do feel a sense of responsibility to expectation set. But it’s a complicated one for me, so I thought I’d try and explore that. This post is a lot, and a bit disjointed, but it’s an insight into some of the things I’ve been thinking about recently, in case that’s interesting at all.

Keep reading

[victorromeofox-blog]

My account @ PeachNecctar was sadly terminated, id appreciate any reblogs so I can find all my old mutuals & build this account up u . u ♡

In case this account is also terminated, check out my other social media ♡

[victorromeofox-blog]

😂😂😂

Dumb cunt should have your pussy and ass stuffed 24/7 not just at the store. Cunts are made to be dripping wet for their Masters.