violet-the-writer - Tumblr blog

[violet-the-writer]

randomly screaming to random people online

about you, because i have no one else to talk to

always feeling completely alone, because

all of my other real life friends are too busy

and we never get to see each other

using fictional characters and old hyperfixations

as a coping mechanism, trying to

forget the pain of your absence

if only for a second

being fine, and two seconds later

running up to my room in tears

this is what i've been like

since you left

[violet-the-writer]

i've come to a point

where i find more comfort

in words

on a screen

than words

said out loud

the people i "don't know"

feel more real

than the people i "actually know"

words

from people

in real life

don't feel

genuine

because i'm always

scared that

they're going to suddenly hate me

and take back what they said

or leave

showing that i never meant anything

to them

in the first place

i've come to a point

where online

feels more real

than reality

[violet-the-writer]

i hate you

but i miss you

and i never want to see you again

but i still care

and i want you to get out of my head

but i know you're not leaving

i didn't notice that you meant this much to me

until you were gone

[violet-the-writer]

i see why you don't like me

i'm not like you

i'm not perfect

happy

surrounded by friends

never truly alone

loved by almost everyone

i have problems

and now i don't know how to be 

happy

i used to be

surrounded by friends

now i'm not

a few years ago, i was

loved by almost everyone

that didn't stick for long

you're right

i'm not a good friend

i don't deserve you

i never did

[violet-the-writer]

this is it

this is the end

the world is crashing down on me

my life has been destroyed

nothing but ruins

scraps

of what my life used to be

of who i used to be

everything is

f

a

ll

in

g

ap

a

rt

my friends are traitors

my life has been torn away from me

everything is gone

this is it

the day everything ends

it can't be stopped

i'm alone

completely alone

in this world

no one can help me

no one can save me

everything is gone

[violet-the-writer]

you are

were

my friend

and i want to

speak

UP

and talk to you

about this

situation

but i'm scared

because you said

you don't want to be my friend

you

don't

want

to

be

my

friend

i don't know if i can convince myself to talk to you

ever

again

i don't know if i want to talk to any of my friends

ever

again

everything just feels so

terrible

i'm in so much

pain

and i don't

know

what

to

do

without

you

[violet-the-writer]

for you this might have meant

getting rid of bad friends

so you can be better

and feel better

but for me this means

loneliness worse than what i felt before

crying at random times because my mind brings this up for no reason

being stuck between wanting to scream at you and wanting to never talk to anyone again

trying to imagine what my life next school year is going to be like without you

(dreading dance class because i don’t have any friends, like how i was in 5th grade)

so much pain

and i don’t know whether to say the pain is my fault,

or yours

[violet-the-writer]

normal

communication

it used to be easy

just ask for a parent’s number

and hang out whenever

but now there’s romance and shit

taking my friends away from me

i’ve been forgotten

it’s almost as if i don’t exist anymore

i don’t exist to them

i wish these two things could coexist

why can’t romance and friendship NOT conflict?

why can’t this strange

alien concept

stop stealing my friends from me?

why does no one understand 

i’m lonely

even when surrounded by my friends

i’m haunted by the fact that 

in a split second

they could disappear

they could forget i ever existed

i could be nothing but a faded memory 

in a split second

everything could fall apart

i could be alone again

like i always end up

no one cares

no one understands

why can’t i just be normal

why can’t I understand?

why can’t i just be a 

normal

stereotypical

teenage

girl

sleepovers

talking about boys

dresses

unbothered by the world

p

e

r

f

e

c

t

why can’t i just be normal

why can’t i go and say to my seemingly lost friends

“hey, could we hang out sometime?”

i can’t 

because i don’t exist to them anymore

i’m a side character

not even that

i’m an extra

in their “wholesome love story” of a life

none of my friends are my friends anymore

they’ve all been lost to romance

they’ve all been lost to love

[violet-the-writer]

dead

words from someone who 

used to be

my friend

and is now gone

they were directed at someone else

"babe, if you're seeing this, I love you"

but they hurt me

not from jealousy

or anything of the like

loneliness 

she's gone

my first online friend

not just disappeared

dead. 

and i didn't know

i could've helped 

why didn't she tell me she was feeling that way?

i could've stopped her

but i didn't know

i didn't get the chance

instead of being only a memory to me

she's a memory to everyone

and it's too late to do anything about it

September 21, 2021

September 21, 2021

September 21, 2021

why didn't she tell me?

she isn't just another online friend who disappeared

she's actually gone

forever

for everyone

i wish i could have at least told her 

"I'll miss you"

[violet-the-writer]

coming out

back in

what i think was

october of 2021

i was in the car

on the way to dance class

with my mom

and i said 

“hey mom

what do you know about

aroace people?”

she took the sign

(i’ll admit, i was surprised)

“is this you trying to say

that’s what you are?”

“...yes, actually”

i don’t remember what exactly 

happened, 

but she ended up saying something like

“well,

i think

all people your age should

think that’s what they are!

you guys are too young for romance

and stuff.”

“but- 

that’s what i really am though.”

“you’re too young to know that.

how do you even know words like that?”

“the internet-”

i say, and try to laugh off

the awkwardness

i feel tears welling up in my eyes.

“i’ll believe you if you still

feel like that

when you’re,

say,

25.”

25?

what the fuck-

“you shouldn’t assign

labels like that

to yourself.

you’re only a kid.”

i’m trying not to cry

we arrive at dance class

i walk in

put on my ballet slippers

grab my water bottle

go upstairs

see my friend

and later

when we have the break

between ballet

and lyrical

i cried

i felt like i was overreacting

i don’t think i was anymore 

i think that

even though i’m young

i should be able to be myself

identifying as aroace

gives me confidence

in some times where i lack it

this is me

and you can’t take it away

or invalidate me

[violet-the-writer]

dear self

dear self,

trust me, it’s

play to feel pain. 

that’s normal. 

but, what’s not okay is

inflicting that pain

onto others. 

they didn’t do anything to 

deserve

that. 

dear self,

it’s perfectly fine to not be as

emotionally mature

as your friends. everyone

matures at a different rate. for now,

just focus on not going too far. 

dear self,

i promise, eventually

everything will be okay. 

this pain will go away. 

at some point, you’ll be able to

step out of your thoughts

and notice the friends you have

who do truly care. 

not everyone is a liar.