viviegirl05 - Tumblr blog

viviegirl05 · 1 year

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dear science side of tumblr...

i got a severe lyme disease infection in my brain when I was 16. im now 31 and i am a COMPLETELY different person than i was at 16 before i got sick. did the whole chronic illness thing affect my personality?

to be clear, i had was a bacterial infection (lyme is a bacteria) and it gave me what we called seizures but def werent--i legit though they were panic attacks for a year and went to therapy looking to treat anxiety. looking back i have no clue why i thought that. the first episode i had i was in the kitchen making a snack at home alone after school. zero pressure from anyone, no problems with school work, i finally had friends for the first time in years, things were actually pretty good at the time. after a year of therapy my therapist was like “yeah, you don’t have anxiety problems.

i didn’t get diagnosed until almost 18 months had gone by and by then my immune system was basically nonexistent and i probs would have died if i got the flu. it was BAD. i spent months rebuilding my immune system and slept like 18 hours a day minimum for a year (my senior year of hs, but the school was really great about it and i still graduated on time. wish i had taken a year off though, all my friends were in the year after me anyway).

i went off to college the next august and was IMMEDIATELY suicidal. like my parents dropped me off and within an hour of them leaving i realized i wanted to kill myself.

i didint find a med that worked for my depression for 2 years (i tried to kill myself once by overdosing on painkillers--do not recommend. i got an ulcer that took months to heal) and shortly after discovering i was no longer suicidal a new lyme treatment led to chronic migraines. like, i was in unbearable pain for 21 months. i get botox now and get maybe 4 migraines a month, SOO much better.

all this time i was losing interest in everything i liked as a teenager and didnt really get new interests until like 5 years ago

also ive gained like 150 lbs since i got sick, so that has led to some issues, but im currently positive in my self image for the most part

i also think im ace now? idk i def masturbated a lot in hs but never actually had an orgasm (i always blamed ADHD becuase i would get bored even though i was turned on) but now its like whatever. i have a lot of chronic pain now, so maybe thats why i never feel aroused? when i use edibles for pain treatment i feel so good and pain-free that i sometimes think im turned on but im actually not. i think its just the absence of pain that leads to a pleasurable expereince of not feeling shitty that my brain thinks is good and equates with being turned on? im so confused about my sexuality at this point

the thing is, i dont feel like i am at all who i was going to be before i got sick. like, i feel like my whole persoanlity and being has changed as a result of my illness, not just my health and life/circumstances.

i have no clue what is going on or what to think.

any help?

#science side of tumblr #a little help #please #psychology #personality #im so confused #please help me #sexuality crisis

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viviegirl05 · 2 years

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Honey

Ruth hummed to herself as she carefully tended her garden, taking care to place each flower in just the right spot. She made sure each bud had enough room to grow, had enough sunlight to prosper, but was close enough to her bees that they would surely be used to make honey. She spaced her lilacs and buttercups around the oleander shrubs and their pink flowers, the contrast complimenting prettily. Her garden was the best in the neighborhood- many had asked for her advice for their own gardens.

She gently massaged the soil, aerating the dirt for optimum growth for the flowers. She carefully watered each bloom with just the right amount of water so that they would be fed without drowning.

She skirted the beehive- the true apple of her eye, though they needed little attention at the moment- and moved on to her pond when she was finished watering. It was shaded by a great weeping willow, full of water lilies and colorful little fishes. The cattails were creeping up, becoming too plentiful; she would have to pull some out. Perhaps she would mulch them for fertilizer, or simply send them to the neighborhood composter.

No one had wanted the smell of a composter in their own homes, so the neighborhood homeowners association had decided to fashion a community compost bin upwind of the park at the end of her block. She was proud of herself for insisting on a way to compost, proud that she was contributing less to the pollution of the planet- though it did smell foul enough that she understood people’s reluctance to compost.

Ruth always strove to make the world a better place, recycling and composting as much as she could, and she never had a bad word to say about anyone. Sure, there were those who had sour grapes and were rude to her, didn’t like her for whatever reason, but she didn’t let that bother her. Just last week Mr. Mahoney had stolen her parking spot at the grocery store, even though she had been waiting patiently with her blinker on. Maybe he was hurrying to get something for his wife to use to make dinner, she didn't know, she just shrugged off the incident like water off a duck's back.

That was one of the qualities people loved about Ruth- her amazing capacity to forgive and let go of small transgressions without a thought. She made the world a better place one thoughtful act of kindness at a time. She always remembered what people acted like though, and went out of her way to befriend them.

For Mr. Mahoney, she was going to make him a pie to go along with a jar of honey, harvested fresh from her own hive. Peaches were always lovely, and were a favorite of Mrs. Mahoney, if Ruth recalled correctly. Surely a nice, delicious peach pie and some honey would endear Mr. Mahoney to her, and maybe make him see the good in the world. If he knew how much a small kindness could mean, maybe he wouldn’t steal parking spots in the future.

***

The pie had gone over splendidly, it was Mrs. Mahoney’s favorite- she even asked Ruth for the recipe she loved it so much! Ruth was happy to share all her recipes- except her specialty brownie bites recipe, which always won at the state fair baking competition. That recipe was for her alone.

Kind-spirited as she was, no one held it against her. She had a title to defend after all! Champion bakers were always cherished in their idyllic small town of Pawnee Valley. They always contributed generously to the popular bake sale fundraisers various charities and organizations hosted, and won top prizes at baking competitions. Many a townsperson in Pawnee Valley had a round belly thanks to their excellent bakers.

Ruth was working on a few new recipes for the coming competition, including some lemon-raspberry bars, which were fabulous if she did say so herself. They would do well in the pastry division, and her brownie bites would of course do well in the chocolate division.

For the cake division she was almost done perfecting her strawberry mousse cheesecake. It was a flavorful burst of heaven on the tongue, but she wanted it fluffier before calling it perfect. She needed to win over that cake doyen Miss Harper! The young woman had won for the past three competitions, and Ruth was determined to beat her this time!

Of course, she held no ill will towards the woman, after all being a good baker was not a crime, nor was it mean spirited. Perhaps when Ruth’s new cake won the competition Miss Harper would be open to trading recipes- a favorite pastime for all cooks.

***

Miss Harpers raspberry cake with hazelnut frosting won the cake competition. Ruth smiled and congratulated her sincerely, but Miss Harper simply sent a smug smirk in her direction.

Perhaps some fresh flowers and honey would soften Miss Harper and endear her to share her wonderful recipe?

Ruth gathered some of her best peonies and lilacs into an aromatic bouquet, picked a jar of honey from her cabinet, and delivered them to Miss Harper the next afternoon, much to the young lady’s surprise.

Miss Harper was new to town, having arrived only a few months earlier to fill the recently vacated teaching position at Pawnee Valley Elementary School. She didn’t know how small towns worked, being from a large city, and was astonished to see that neighbors came by simply to deliver flowers and honey out of the kindness of their hearts.

She invited Ruth in to have tea and, after a lovely conversation about all the best spots in town, Miss Harper consented to swap recipes. Ruth had that effect on people. She made them see the best in people and themselves, making them happier and more kind to others.

***

After her lovely visit with Miss Harper, Ruth went to visit her old classmate and the town's current librarian, Susan. She and Susan hadn’t always gotten along. In fact, in high school Susan had been rather mean to Ruth, hadn’t let her into the drama club so she could have a part in their school's production of Pygmalion.

Ruth had won her over though, after they were partnered for a science project. They learned about molds together for a whole month, Ruth taking time to include Susan in every step and make her smile as much as possible. They had been friends ever since.

They had dinner together to discuss some upsetting news. Susan had developed diabetes in her old age, but still had a sweet tooth to assuage. Upon hearing the news, Ruth promised to bring Susan some of her honey as a natural sweetener, much better than all that artificial stuff, and much healthier than regular sugar.

Susan thanked her kindly as the two discussed sugar-free recipes. Ruth would always be there for her friend, no matter what challenges they faced.

***

A few days later terrible news was heard; Miss Harper had died! She was in her 20s, how could she have died? The autopsy suggested poison, but none was found in her system. It was quite the enigma.

The funeral was held at the largest church in town, and Ruth joined up with several other gardeners to create splendid bouquets of fresh flowers for the event. Miss Harper was beloved by her students, was a delightful teacher, and deserved the best.

If only they could solve the mystery of her death.

***

Ruth took time to volunteer at the school after Miss Harper’s death, made sure the children were taken care of and received the education they needed. The second graders in Miss Harper’s class were very upset that their wonderful teacher was no longer around, but quite pleased with Ruth’s efforts to cheer them up.

Ruth had always liked children, she had longed for some of her own. Alas, she and her late husband had been unable to conceive, so they had contented themselves with volunteering at the school and helping the families around the neighborhood. They had been well liked by all, except for old man Clancy, who liked no one and nothing. He was a bitter old soul, he even threw empty cans at neighborhood pets who wandered too close to his lawn. Ruth would calm his ruffled feathers someday, hopefully soon.

In the meantime, Ruth decided to start a book club for the neighborhood's empty-nesters. With all the little chicks flown off to college, her friends were in need of some hobbies to keep them busy. She chose a classic for their first book- A Tale of Two Cities. It was a splendid decision and was well received by almost all. Poor Jenny Thompkins just couldn’t stand Charles Dickens, though she tried for the group.

Ruth selected a more modern book for the next month, We Have Always Lived in the Castle by Shirley Jackson. Sadly, it was not to Jenny’s taste either. The following two books failed as well, much to Ruth’s chagrin. Jenny now looked quite irked whenever she happened upon Ruth about town, regardless of the book assigned.

Finally, Ruth went to Jenny’s house with a conciliatory baklava, made fresh that morning with honey from her beehive, to talk with Jenny about what the next book should be. Jenny welcomed Ruth reluctantly at first, but warmed up at the smell of the pastry treat. After a long discussion, they decided to assign a new mystery novel at the next book club meeting, a genre much more to Jenny’s taste.

Jenny offered baklava to Ruth, as any good hostess would, but Ruth refused, as it was just past lunch time when she arrived. Jenny admitted that she wasn’t hungry at the moment either, but wanted to offer out of politeness anyway. They smiled at each other as they laughed over the poor timing. Jenny and her husband Ronald would have it for dessert that night, it would not go to waste Ruth was assured.

Tragically, most of the baklava did go to waste, for that very night Jenny and Ronald Thonpkins died in their sleep! They were barely in their 50s, nowhere near old enough to peacefully die in their sleep! Sadly, there had been a bridge collapse nearby and the hospital was full of people in far more need than the two who had died in their sleep, so the matter was not much looked into.

The neighborhood rallied to provide support for the Thompkins child, now an orphan, so that he could continue his education. Ruth herself offered him a place to stay when in town, as did several others. He thanked them kindly, but chose to stay with an aunt near his university rather than stay in their sleepy little town now full of bittersweet memories for him.

***

One fine sunny day, Ruth went to Susan’s house for tea, their usual Thursday schedule, only to find that Susan would not answer the door. Ruth noticed a few lights on when she peered through the window and thought it best to check that everything was alright. She let herself in with the spare key from under the flowerpot and entered with a call of “Susan?”

There was no answer, and when Ruth reached the sitting room, there was her friend asleep on the couch. She would not be roused however, no matter what Ruth tried, so Ruth called for help.

It was soon found that Susan had died some time that morning. Her kidneys had stopped working it seemed- likely an effect of her diabetes. Ruth mourned for her friend and longtime companion. She would miss Susan dearly.

She made sure to arrange her best flowers for the funeral.

***

A few weeks passed, another baking competition gone with Ruth’s brownie bites triumphing again, but nothing worth noting happened until one day at Starbucks a man stole Ruth’s tea. She had been waiting patiently at the end of the counter, listening for her name along with half a dozen patrons. When her name was called, Ruth stepped forward to accept the hot beverage, but a man in a business suit shoved in front of her to snatch the cup.

He took one sip and immediately complained that it wasn’t what he ordered. Ruth stepped up next to him and explained that he wasn’t what he ordered because he had taken her tea by mistake. The man scowled and turned to her, only to be taken aback by Ruth’s kind smile and wrinkled face. No one could get angry at Ruth, especially now in her 70s.

The man apologized while the server made a new cup of tea for Ruth, introducing himself as Daniel and promising not to be so rude in the future. Daniel and Ruth talked for a while and discovered that he had moved into Miss Harper’s old house. Ruth promised to bring him a welcome gift of some fresh honey so that they could chat again. Daniel thanked her kindly and apologized once again before rushing off to a meeting.

Ruth went home to tend to her bees and garden.

***

Ruth trimmed her oleander bush and hummed to herself as she saw her bees gathering pollen. Most people don’t know this, but oleander is poisonous. So much so that even honey made from its pollen can be deadly.

Ruth smiled as she heard an ambulance stop in front of the Mahoney’s house.

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