voyaging-into-the-void

[voyaging-into-the-void]

Expectations vs Reality

Start time; 8:37 pm CST 5/7/2025

You expect me to be accommodating, you expect me to be understanding, you expect me to be complicit, you expect me to be silent and subservient. You expect me to shut up, expect me to listen, expect me to nod my head and agree with a smile on my face. You expect no consequences. You expect nothing but a puppet on a string.

However, let me show you the reality.

You've shit all over me and my country because you think that by not being from where I'm from, you're immediately better than me. You've triggered me time and time again and thought that I wouldn't say anything. You refused to acknowledge why something bothered me so much until I reminded you of your own trauma; which by the way shocks me that you forgot about for someone who brings it up time and time again with no warnings whatsoever. Your bigotry is why I left in the end. You refused to see the validity of something you didn't understand and when I left your sever, undadded you on discord, and blocked you on Tumblr- you went out of your way to message me over Steam because you felt entitled to have the last word.

You expected to not have to face the consequences of your actions and you could not handle the reality. I do not care if you think that I am sensitive, I do not care that you think I am too "woke" and I most certainly do not care that you think I'm just a "stupid, entitled, fat, ugly piece of shit that ruins people's lives" American because you're just an elitist, racist, Italian. You're on your third child and I truly pity them because if they come out to you as anything other than what you consider to be valid, I have no doubts that you'd turn your back on them.

Sincerely, Someone tired of giving you the benefit of the doubt.

[voyaging-into-the-void]

to the source of my anxiety...

Start time: 9:52 pm cst 3/8/2025

to the source of my anxiety these last couple of months,

you have made me feel as if i need to walk on eggshells around you. you make my system feel like they cannot breathe when you are around. you have made me second guess myself and fall back on behavioral patterns that i broke after moving out of my mother's house. you have made me question the relationships that i have with people due to your hostility. your hypocrisy is both pitiful and all around laughable. you do not stop to consider that perchance, yes, you are in fact the problem and that you are not simply overthinking. you never stop to consider that your words and your actions have consequences. you blame it on a disorder that you claim to have yet have no fucking clue how that disorder actually affects people in their day to day lives.

all you do all day is sleep and demand your partner's presence on the rare chance that you are conscious and awake. you contradict your own server rules and your own morals. you claim to be a caring and compassionate person but won't hesitate to vocalize your distaste for someone nor stop yourself from wishing harm on someone you perceive to have wronged you. you practically demand that everyone be wary and mindful of your triggers yet won't even do the same for the others around you. you are a clown at the circus that no one likes. yet i cannot begin to fathom how i would say these things to you because i am afraid of becoming someone so full of hate, i am terrified of becoming my mother.

you sit here and say that you are suspicious of me when in reality the call is coming from inside the house. i cannot help but feel sorry for you, yearn for you to open your eyes and see that you are becoming the person that you fought so desperately to get away from. i do not want you to wake up too late and realize that the people you care so much for are afraid to speak their minds to you, that they are afraid of upsetting you, that they are jaded to your actions and are merely going through the motions. i pray that you will realize before it is too late because i used to be just like you. i used to be so fiercely protective of the ones that i loved that i ended up driving them away without realizing it. i used to be the person that everyone left behind because i was too blind to my own selfish desires and the effect that i had on the people around me.

this post is about a person that i do not have the heart to say these things to. i know they aren't a bad person, but they have done bad things that have negatively affected me and a few of my friends as well. on top of that, i left the discord server they made because i couldn't handle their hypocrisy anymore and since i didn't immediately respond to their messages as i was playing a game with one of those aforementioned friends, they felt the need to reach out to those said friends of mine that were still in the server. they felt the need to violate my right to privacy because they were panicking on why i left their server. i don't owe anyone an explanation, ever.

[voyaging-into-the-void]

I hate...

start time: 10:02 pm cst 2/25/25

i hate the way the world is going. i hate the way that facism is on the rise. i hate that i feel like buying the flag of my country just to hang it upside down. i hate that history is repeating itself. i hate that my very existence is being threatened all because of a man who's own mother said that while yes he was her son, that he was dense as hell and that she prayed he never went into politics, because he'd be a disaster. i hate that we're going to hell in a handbasket. i hate that i cannot do anything but sit with this anxiety and this overbearing pressure. i hate that i cannot love who i wish to love without it being considered 'sinful.' i hate that i cannot turn to news outlets without fear mongering from the group of people who are supposed to be the 'sensible' ones in all of this. i hate that the people who voted for him are only just now realizing that perhaps putting him in office wasn't such a good idea after all. i hate that i feel this sense of impending doom. i hate that all people can do is make jokes about it because they don't know how to cope with the fear otherwise.

i hate that my mother doesn't understand that just because we're in a blue state, that we will not be safe forever. she doesn't understand that we're only blue because of the majorly populated areas. my grandmother doesn't understand why i won't talk to her after finding out she voted for him back in 2016 for his first term. my mother tries her best to accept my fears despite not accepting for who i am. i hate that i do not have the tools nor knowledge on how to withstand, last, survive, and endure this.. oligarchial tyranny. sure if i was "fuck you" levels of rich, perhaps i could do something to protect the people that i love but now lavender marriages are being talked about again and honestly if that is the solution then the next step is to talk about it in hushed whispers. because then eventually they'll crack down on this in some way or other.

i hate that women's healthcare is practically nonexistent in these more recent years. i hate that the answer is the coat hanger again, or to drink yourself into a stupor and hoping you miscarry. i hate that women felt the need to go behind the backs of their lovers and husbands and families because they have openly stating that they were going to vote for the man that would put women in danger.

i truly wonder if they will finally realize how much shit we are in once their wife/girlfriend/mother/daughter etc. is brutally raped and forced to carry that child to term because they voted to have their reproductive rights taken away. that they have to watch them die, miscarry, or worse. i hate that it will get so much fucking worse.

i hate that i can't help but lay in bed at night and think horrendous doomsday thoughts. about how i could be ripped from everything i know for not being the textbook definition in this dictator's textbook of a good christian american who loves war and death and racism and elitism. about how with the things he's promising to do that i will end up in a camp or a prison or hell, even shot dead and tossed in a ditch somewhere.

the one solace in it all is that history will repeat itself. therefore, once the bad has repeated itself, the good will begin again as well.