vylxeon-blog

[vylxeon-blog]

Isnt it funny how the word 'bitch' is used in exactly the opposite way to insult men vs women?

A man could be called a bitch for being cowardly, insecure, or 'unmasculine' behaviors, whereas women are generally called bitches for being assertive or other stereotypically 'unfeminine' behaviors.

[vylxeon-blog]

My first post on Tumblr. Im just some dude, currently struggling with bunch of shit. I decided I would write it all down to help me process things and assess my situation, doing so here on Tumblr for accountability i guess. I'm not sure if anyone will read this but the idea that someone might feels valuable to me. For context, I am a 21 Year old man living with my parents in the Netherlands.

Ive just spent a 4th day in a row essentially bed-rotting. I'm struggling with maladaptive daydreaming for 4-6 hours a day, social media and porn addiction. Im also addicted to nicotine, and I've recently decided to quit drinking, and am now 20 days sober. I'm in my 4th year of college and should be getting my bachelor's in a few months, but I only have half the required study points. At my current rate it will take atleast 2 more years to actually get my degree, I have been lying to my parents that things are going fine, in reality I havent been to school for 2 years. (Though I have been racking up debt by paying for tuition, stupidly telling myself I will start going soon. In total I have about 11k euros in debt now.

I have a lot of facial acne because I abused steroids when I was 18, I did so in a very unwise way (oral only, high dose Dianabol, no estrogen base,) and my hormones have been shot ever since. (I think. I haven't been to a doctor or gotten blood work done.) my hormones used to be a lot worse though, I used to wake up in cold sweats, have panic attacks, be extremely irritable and impatient, self harm and disassociate by staring at the mirror for sometimes up to an hour, now I just have acne.

A few months ago the company i worked for decided to stop operations, and I have been procrastinating getting a new job ever since. However recently I've gotten a new job as the Dutch equivelant of an UberEATS delivery courier. I'm glad I can finally start working again and make some money, as it helps me feel much less guilty about my college debt. I have been taking driving lessons for longer than 3 years now, I'm just not very good at it. I've failed 2 exams, and have a new one planned In march. In recent years my life feels like failure upon failure upon failure. I think I suffer from undiagnosed mental issues, I'm probably neurodivergent in several different ways.

I'm very insecure and anxious. which is why I started taking steroids originally. I exercise regularly because I want to become as big and strong as I possibly can. Becoming bigger and stronger is one of the few things in my life I feel I have actual impact on. It's the only thing I'm really making consistent progress in. I do have some hobbies and friends, I won't say what specifically because honestly this post would start becoming pretty recognizable to friends I have who have Tumblr.

I feel purposeless and like a failure. I desire so many things. I want to be independent and not rely on my parents. I want to be liked by people and respected. I want to be competent and valuable and have and be all the good things a person should be, and I'm painfully aware that right now, I am/have nothing. At 21 years old I'm a fairly blank slate with a lot of negative programming already.

Here are some of the POSITIVES of my life: I present like a confident, extroverted person. I have a group of good friends. People say that I'm good with words, funny, and compliment my dancing. I'm generally known to my friends as creative and quick witted. However many of these things are the result of playing a character, putting on a front/mask. Also, I have strangely been somewhat succesful with women, having been in 2! (😎) Long term relationships, with both my girlfriends having broken up with me lol. This might not seem like a great achievement at 21 but my friends are all virgins so from they're perspective im a Chad.

Also, I'm a relatively strong guy, I'm not huge (though I will be some day,) but I'm fairly strong, I also practice MMA and am always able to beat my friends in wrestling. (This is valuable to me because I am deeply insecure. I know this shouldn't matter in a civilized society. I was always very weak in primary/high school, and when I "discovered" the gym at 18, like so many other young men, I became obsessed with physical strength and size.

I'm grateful that im not sexist or hateful, (If I may say so myself,) In our friend group we know some men who are and they are made fun of relentlessly. I think the only reason I am not an incel/sexist or whatever is because of positive experiences I have always had with female friends in school and girlfriends. I have always gotten along great with women. (Except my mom. I do not have a good relationship with either of my parents. They divorced when I was 19, I see my dad once every couple months, and I more or less hate my mother because I remember how she relentlessly verbally abused me for very small things when I was just a little boy. and try to avoid interacting with her even though I live in the same house.)

I want to get better. There was a time when things were better, what kept me grounded was having a job. It kept me from just procrastinating all week. I didn't work that much, around 12 hours a week. But together with going to the gym everyday, and my 2 scheduled hobbies I atleast did 1-2 productive things every day. I had a reason to get out of bed. I felt much less guilty about the way I was living.

I hope my new job is able to do the same for me. I want to: stop endlessly procrastinating, scrolling, maladaptive daydreaming, smoking, masturbating self harming and disassociating.

In a perfect world, I would: pass drivers exam coming up, scavenge whatever remaining study points I can and come clean to my parents about my college situation. Consistently eat clean, high protein at a 500 calory surplus for bulking. Work 3 days a week or so so I can make 11k euros to pay off my debt.

I feel like I'm drowning in things I need to do to get better. I need to visit a dermatologist to finally fix my skin after 3 years of acne. I struggle to say no whenever someone asks me to help with something so I have regular extra responsibilities from my hobbies, on the one hand they teach my valuable stuff and keep me grounded and in the real world, not disassociating. But it also weighs on me heavily.

Writing all this down has helped me clear my mind a little. I have some hope I will maybe be able to make some improvements. I'll try to do my best tomorrow. (Then again, I always try to do my best. Most of the time I fail and end up doing my meh-st)