wasted-on-dreaming - Tumblr blog

wasted-on-dreaming · 3 years ago

Text

A Polite Response to my Abuser

I've been meaning to crawl back onto Tumblr all week, and this is not how I meant to do it, but uh... So my abusive parent sent me a fantastically horrible email. And I'm so furious I really wanted to reply, so I wrote the reply. But in the end I think it's better to not give them the satisfaction. So I'm not actually sending it. But I feel like I have to put this somewhere or I'm going to scream, so I guess I'm tossing it here. I promise I'll add some more fun content asap! Maybe my collection of thoughts about Kavinsky, which is starting to feel like the guy with the board of red strings. "Kavinsky is a good boy, actually, if you just follow this string here--" Also my brain has been stuck in this fucking hole of Dream Pack Adam AU thoughts. And I've been toying with headcanons for Jiang bc he does not get enough love. Also why is there not more Swan and Proko content when they have FUCKING MATCHING CARS??? And the wait for Greywaren is seriously K I L L I N G me ugh ugh.

To be clear: you don't deserve a response, but I'm writing one anyway. I don't expect it to make a difference, of course. More than the old adage about old dogs and new tricks, I don't think you want to change. But I'm going to say it anyway.

To start: the idea that you are my mother is not "just fact", actually. You are my genetic progenitor, while mother implies a deeper connection that you have not earned. I have, on multiple occasions, given you opportunities to change that, but you remain incapable of rising to the challenge. Despite that all I've ever asked is that you behave like an adult and actually treat me like a human being. So despite what you claim, you have turned your back on me more times and in more ways than I can count. The fact that you fail to acknowledge this is frankly baffling. Do you think I'm unaware?

You can choose to rewrite events so you don't have to deal with them. That's your prerogative. But it does not change the actual events. You were yelling at me, twice, on two different subjects. This was so bad that someone knocked on my door afterwards asking if I was okay, since as we discussed previously, you were on speaker as my phone doesn't work otherwise. So, no. We are not talking about your "tone". We are talking about yelling in a way audible from the hallway such that a stranger was concerned. Not that this is new behavior for you.

You asked me and I responded honestly, saying that it would be a huge help, but that it was okay if you couldn't cover my insurance. And then you're yelling at me like I'm mugging you at gunpoint. And this was after the point where I had to point out that making me feel unsafe does not make it easier for me to do things I struggle with.

I have diagnosed post-traumatic stress disorder tied to your abuse and the way you behave towards me. You know, that thing that people in warzones have, because that's what interacting with you is like. The explosion is always inevitable, I just never know how or when it'll happen.

It's not trying to take advantage of your offer of financial assistance -- every time I said that you did not have to, you said that you wanted to help. And you refused to elucidate in any way what the issue was. All while continuing to yell at me and make me uncomfortable for no discernable reason. The issue is, as always, the fact that you don't treat me with even basic human decency. The fact that every time I try to make space so you can step into my life, you just prove that you still see me as a defenseless child you can hit with no repercussions. And yet I've kept giving you chances. But that's never good enough for you, because you don't want chances. You don't want an opportunity to build a relationship, to see if there exists the potential for a relationship that isn't built on fear. You want unquestioning love without bothering to question if you even deserve it. You show zero regard for my comfort or boundaries, or even the slightest hint that you're aware that there are barriers to what you're asking for. Likely because you can't acknowledge those barriers are your own behavior.

The fact that you still turn verbally abusive despite the number of times that I've told you I wont tolerate that behavior further is the issue. Not that I'm "entitled" and "ungracious". This time I am following through.

I can't believe I have to explain this to you, but the way that you behave, and how you treat people, has consequences. This is especially true when it comes to exercising their right to decide how they want to interact with you.

An example of one of those consequences is the degree to which I feel comfortable including you in my life. You talk about entitlement, and yet fail to see it in the way you talk about how I keep you from talking to my doctors, as if that's a level of trust that you think you deserve. Simply, the more that you make it clear that you can't behave in a way that is safe for other people, even over the phone, the less able I am to interact with you. Full stop. I would, frankly, love to have a functional parent, who cared for me and was able to support me when I'm dealing with things that are challenging and sometimes beyond what I'm capable of. Not even necessarily in a way that involves money, but just someone who could talk to me and be there and be a comfort when I'm overwhelmed because I'm dealing with a lot of things and need help figuring things out. Unfortunately, both of my parents were damaged people before I was born. And sending me stuff has always been easier for you than being responsive to how I feel. You've been emotionally abusive throughout my entire life, and you have proven over and over that you have no interest in changing those behaviors.

So the fact you can say feeling like I don't have a support system is an illusion, and insist that you're always there for me without a shred of self-awareness is horrifyingly insulting on a level you clearly don't care enough to grasp. You act as if your presence and your support comes without cost and without threat and without feelings that damage my safety when that is absurdly untrue.

If I dated someone, and we broke up because they hit me in the face, I might give them a chance to prove that they were not that still that person if we met years later. But I sure as hell would not get back together with them after meeting a couple times for Starbucks. And if they yelled at me during one of those meetings and proved they were still incapable of communicating in a way that didn't reference that old violence, I would very abruptly stop giving them the opportunity. And that isn't entitlement, that is prioritizing my own fucking safety. You say that you're "tired of trying". But the problem is that you don't actually seem interested in trying in the first place. You want to skip to the end- to be welcomed with open arms- which isn't trying at all. You completely ignore the reasons being physically in your presence is difficult for me while you act wounded about being rebuffed.

Honestly, living with my dad was not all that I needed. But it was so much better than being consistently physically hit, and kicked, and yelled at, and verbally belittled, and told how worthless I was, that it was literally impossible for me to see it in any other light for most of my life. Do you remember how you used to call me "Bubbles" and demean me for daring to be happy to talk to someone who valued my existence? Because I do. Yes, you are clearly still the same person, and that is the problem. You say that you "did your best", but I honestly don't believe it. Or at least, if you did, your focus was not on the baby you chose to bring into the world. You made a choice that you were going to subject a baby to those struggles. You don't get a girl scout badge for toughing it out; there is no gold star for doing it on your own while you commit criminal levels of child abuse. You don't get a prize for living beyond your means and not being on welfare, and if you happen to hit your kid, well, that's just water under the bridge. Further, the problem with this victim narrative you're trying to spin, is that any struggles that you had a result of having a child, were struggles that you knowingly chose. You decided that you wanted that in your life. I obviously did not get any such choice when it came to being abused by my mother from before I'd even started kindergarten. So no, it's not that I don't understand that things were "difficult". It's simply that things being difficult does not justify or excuse the actions you took. You had options like adoption or foster care or letting my father have custody far earlier than you did, if being a mother was beyond your capabilities. Which it clearly was, by your own admissions. Being a dependent child, I had no choice in the matter.

You try to paint this as some saintly, virtuous suffering you went through -- but it isn't. I can imagine that situation, and yes, finding myself or a romantic partner with a child I was unprepared would be terrifying. I would seriously consider if being with me was the best option for the child -- not for me. But the first time I abused that child and realized that I was not a safe situation for them, I would have reckoned with what my options were for giving that child a chance at a good life, one that didn't include me. Which are choices that you had, but chose not to make. Do you remember when my friends and I called child protective services, and you charmed your way through that by bullying terrified children? And you weren't angry at the prospect of losing me, or because you loved me, but because you were afraid of how it would "look". Your issues with my father are, as always, between the two of you. I have no interest in the letter he wrote, because it doesn't change your actions. This whole aside about whether or not my father was delinquent on child support doesn't alter the fact that you systematically beat any concept of my own worth out of me. You know my dad had to insist that I allow him to hug me, because of how terrified I was of being touched from living with you. I could not conceive of any touch that didn't hurt. You did that. It's taken two decades for me to believe that I have a right to set boundaries, to want things that are not structured around being small and silent and appeasing the people around me out of fear. I believed that how things made me feel- or if I wanted them to stop- didn't matter, because of how you treated me and how worthless you convinced me I was. I struggle with hearing out of my right ear, and I still have the scar where you burned my hand with your cigarette. You don't get to blame the things you did on my dad when he was on the other side of the country.

Further, you say that I "live in the past", and that I'm "punishing you for my childhood", which just proves how disconnected you are from the reality of what all of this has meant for me. My point with these examples is that for me, none of this is "the past", because in many ways this is something that I continue to have to deal with. I still flinch at loud noises, or when people come up on my bad side, or when a door closes too loudly. And I still don't trust that people wont hurt me. Even the people I care about. Especially the people I care about.

This is my reality because of the degree to which you abused your own child, and because of that I do not get the luxury that you do. I don't get to just decide that I don't want to deal with this because it makes me feel bad. You've done such massive damage to my identity and self-image that I continue to have to work through it, a day at a time. I get memories as intrusive thoughts, I have triggers. If you want to talk about being entitled, telling the victim of your persistent abuse that they should just get over it and not talk about it is pretty fucking high. I am in therapy, actually, and I spend most of it trying to unravel all the things you told me. No, sorry, pointing these things out is not you being punished. It is a direct result from choices you've made to harm others, and behaviors that you continue to carry out. That is not punishment. That is just truth.

And as much as you claim that I'm fixated on the past as a way to hurt you, I very rarely have talked about any of this. I have almost never brought up the specifics of how much a specter of horror you were for me as a child. This is goodbye, in case that was unclear. And fucking fuck you. Cordially, James

#bad manners #tw abuse #a response to gaslighting #fuck your coersion #fuck im so mad #child abuse #adult abuse survivor #bad parenting #bad mothers #fucking fuck you #im shaking #im still so upset #tw child trauma #screaming into the void is better than screaming #real life #am i out of line?#i feel stupid and irrational #but maybe thats just how angry i am #fuck fuck fuck

9 notes · View notes