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References

Anda, R. F., Felitti, V. J., Bremner, J. D., Walker, J. D., Whitfield, C., Perry, B. D., Dube, S. R. & Giles, W. H. (2006). The enduring effects of abuse and related adverse experiences in childhood. European Archives of Psychiatry and Clinical Neuroscience, 256, 174-186. https://doi.org/10.1007/s00406-005-0624-4

Bronk, K. C., Hill, P. L., Lapsley, D. K., Talib, T. L. & Finch, H. (2009). Purpose, hope, and life satisfaction in three age groups. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 4(6), 500-510. https://doi.org/10.1080/17439760903271439

Brown, B. (2019). Braving the Wilderness. Random House Publishing Group.

Kim, Y., Lee, H. & Park, A. (2022) Patterns of adverse childhood experiences and depressive symptoms: self-esteem as a mediating mechanism. Social Psychiatry and Psychiatric Epidemiology, 57, 331-341. https://doi.org/10.1007/s00127-021-02129-2

Myers, D. G., & DeWall, C. N. (2021). Psychology (13th ed.). Worth Publishers.

Van der Kolk, B. (2015). The body keeps the score. Penguin Random House LLC.

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End of a Beginning (that is leading to more beginnings)

I ran out of time to add more books to my list of sources, but there was a book I have been wanting to read for years now. It’s called the body keeps the score and I actually sped read it this weekend lol

I know part of my issue is trauma and the associated responses that come with that— I thought maybe if I dealt with more of that first or at least was aware of some of the actual science behind it that I would find some path forwards, or at least have something more concrete to go on. Did I? No, not really, but I don’t regret having read the book, and honestly maybe part of the issue was that I SPED READ it over the weekend and didn’t actually give myself time to process it. C’est la vie, ouai?

ALSO, some things I did learn are that yoga, indeed, does help. So maybe I should get into it? I feel like I’ve just been asking if I should this and that and not doing as much as I’ve said I should or shouldn’t. I regret that and I think I’ve realized part of the problem is not following through on trying to change things/ get too busy with other things and don’t prioritize this, but I know how to prioritize getting straight A’s or being a good employee. I don’t think I know how to prioritize my wellbeing; it’s a foreign concept.

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Untitled?

Well it’s all coming to an end. This blog is supposed to be finished on Sunday. I’ve been procrastinating updating this blog because none of my thoughts have felt important enough to add? Like if I don’t have an update or progress, why bother? Which I know is not the point, but I feel inadequate saying that I still have depression and only a slightly clearer picture of meaning in this life.

What I will say is I’ve done a lot of self-reflection this semester, probably more so than I would have without this project, or at least more targeted reflection.

I was scrambling for sources for this assignment and actually just searched “psychology purpose” books at my library eborrow site. i started reading Braving the Wilderness by Brené Brown. If you don’t know her, she has become pretty popular over the last few years for her insights into belonging, purpose, living a life worth living, etc. ANYWAYS, I thought why not. I didn’t get a whole lot because it’s not necessarily a step by step process, ya know? Something I did take away from it was that finding belonging isn’t just about being around people, it's about being able to engage with those people and have common interests.

She talked about in order to form those deep connections and find true belonging, you have to be vulnerable and be your authentic self, instead of trying to plead for acceptance from those around you. Even if the door hits you in the face 8,000 times, try it again.

What does it mean to be my authentic self? I hear that thrown around in therapy a lot, but where’s the line? Is your authentic self smacking someone who’s screaming at 3am and preventing you from sleeping? Is it keeping your opinions to yourself because you value not having conflict, but then you’re never heard?

This also is confusing for me because who am I ? Having dissociative identity disorder is CRAZY for trying to figure this out. Does each part live their own truth? Are all of my values from me, or from different parts but does that also count as me? I haven’t specifically talked about authenticity with my therapist, but we have talked about each part getting what they need to thrive as well. It’s confusing territory I think I’ve reached the limit for which I can do my own work on that question. It’s not like there is a guide that exists on reddit for that.

Anywho, enough sharing, here’s the song I’m listening to. Good ol’ Alanis :)

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Home sick for a home that’s sick of me

Edit: something I did for myself today was have a meal

I’ve had trouble keeping up with actually trying things I’ve said I’ll try. The curse of "what’s the point" + ADHD. I’ve been sad and depressed for so long that it’s hard to see a life that doesn’t encompass this. Like it’s not something I had and can remember and want to get back to, ya know? It’s also not healthy to chase past feelings anyways, which is slightly different, but I do find myself reminiscing about the 6 months in 2019 that I experienced true and utter happiness for longer than a couple of days.

Depression just feels all consuming and is very good at lying to my brain about what we can and can’t do. I think it doesn’t help that I feel very homesick right now and to make it worse my home is not very desireable for someone like me.

I objectively have a better, safer life where I’m currently at, but there is something in me that misses my mountains, my foothills, my redneck neighbors, my ghost stories, my grandma’s home remedies, my grandpa’s stories, the smell even of the nature there. It’s hard to put exactly into words, but I feel my body fits in like a puzzle piece there. I fear I won’t be able to return for many years to come and I’m additionally grieving that aspect. I kind of had hopes of returning one day to a little cabin in the mountains on my own homestead, but idk.

Anyways, spotify handed my ass to me today with the daily playlist it pulled together for me. the name of the playlist is par temps de pluie art pop du mercredi soir— essentially rainy Wednesday music for a sad lad. Well played spotify.

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Hey god, it’s me, Rose

side note: This project initially started as an assignment for a class I’m taking, but I’m kind of thinking I’d like to keep it up. Like an interactive journal ya know? Anyways...

We’re supposed to incorporate things we’ve learned during the semester in this project and this week in the textbook we learned about religion having a positive affect on quality of life, longevity, happiness, blah blah blah, but didn’t give any examples of alternatives that also boost these things.

Sure, *maybeeeeee* attending religious meetings 1+ times a week is good for your happiness ( of course this measured correlation and not causation so there’s that ), but let’s be honest I feel like we all have our own complicated relationship with religion. I have yet to meet any person who has been absolutely unaffected by religion in some capacity— I’m sure they exist and that it’s nice to feel neutrally towards religion, but for SOME OF US, we have religious trauma. We don’t believe in god/organized religion, a church is not a safe space, we want other options besides church, etc. the list goes on.

I think it can work for some people and I’ve even found some liberal and affirming churches that I’ve tired out specifically for the community aspect, but it always comes down to the weird question: do you believe in god, and honestly, I can’t give a straight answer to that. Do I think there is some bigger power at play in the universe? Yes. Do I also think thinking one big dude in the sky is running everything? No. Religious places seem to be the place for you to go when you want to believe in what they’re teaching, or you already do. I want a place in the middle and that’s something I want to find. I want the community aspect to not necessarily depend on believing in god/some seemingly arbitrary commandments to a holy life or not.

It also seems like our textbook authors are living the seemingly perfectly balanced life and are like hey this is a good thing! try! it!! Idk I try to not to read it very often.

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Let me say, today was a beautiful day. I really love the idea of finding a life long partner some day. That was good motivation for living today plus the weather was really nice. I took off from dating because I don’t really think it’s fair to have this going on for someone else. I want to figure it out and be the most healed version of myself before pursuing romance :P

I have this coming week off for reading break and so I went out today to be alive around the town.

Somebody at the community hall offered to do a portrait of myself and at first I was really hesitant because I don’t like pictures of myself— can never quite get the right angle… however, this is a group that gives you meal ticket vouchers for sitting for 20 minutes and allowing them to draw you. It really reminded me that we don’t see ourselves how others do. This is not how I’d describe myself, but it’s how this man sees me.

We talked a lot about the idea of self efficacy in my psych class on Monday. The idea that ‘’if you think you can, you will’’ and I will say that inspired me go at this tango with death in another way. What if I thought and truly believed I would live to see 80, 90 even? What if I truly believed I could be happy one day?

For the next week I’m going to hype myself up in the mirror for like 5 minutes and truly try to convince myself I’ll find purpose and meaning in life and then document my mood everyday to see if something improves.

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***EDIT*** The one thing I did for myself today was my laundry. I know, exciting stuff

While today does not solve all my problems, I did have quite a good day, which I’m gonna take. I got my homework and studying done that I needed to and slept about 12 hours, which is really nice. I usually catch up on sleep on the weekends if I’m not working.

I felt productive and important in my social and familial groups today and have had a really nice weekend, socially-speaking, which I don’t have very often. While I do want to be able to have more social interactions, I’m a pretty picky person in who I choose to spend my time with (as are most people probably), despite being very outwardly nice and extroverted.

I do prefer having a game night or dinner with close friends than going out to the clubs. However, I have read some interesting literature about how dancing is very emotionally regulating and can help ease depressive symptoms. One of my friends really likes going out clubbing just for the music and dancing and will stay at a club for something like 6 hours?????? just dancing away and shaking ass, which I have a lot of respect for.

I think since moving I haven’t really felt like there is much of a community in my new home and that’s hard. I really value meaningful human connection and want to try and incorporate it more in my life. This week I want to research/find some really low-commitment ways to just intentionally be in the presence of others like some community groups, etc.

I have a a fear of the world, which, IMHO, is partially due to the fact in my late teens and early twenties I did not give a FUCK about what happened to me and what I got into. It’s crazy, the less I cared about the world around me and what happened to me, the more of life I actually felt like I was seeing? It gave way for some experiences (both horrendous and spectacular; full range) that I don’t think I would have had otherwise in any other season of life. I met some of the coolest people, some of the cruelest people, and made some time/distance defying relationships that I have to this day— some of which have survived over a decade.

There has to be some balance where not caring to a certain extent is actually beneficial, but

Do y’all remember this commercial lol?

anyways, song of the evening

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I feel like my research is telling me things I already knew, which I can’t say I love. I’m really frustrated that there’s not necessarily a cookie cutter, mass-manufactured option for creating meaning and purpose in life.

I want to try doing one thing for myself everyday, which sounds silly, but I don’t actually do that many things for myself. Sure, do the things I do also benefit me sometimes? Yes, for sure, but I don’t do things solely for myself. I think it connects to not really caring about myself, kind of like the family pet: if you like the family pet, you’re more likely to give it treats and play with it and form a relationship with it, but if you don’t like the family pet, you’re not going to play with it or interact, or even take care of it past basic needs.

I guess if I don’t like me, or don’t think I’m worthy of whatever treatment I’m denying myself, then I would have extrinsic motivation to keep myself teetering on and staying alive. This opposed to having intrinsic motivation where more internal forces are motivating not just basic survival, but thrival (I know it’s not a word, but I like it).

There are parts of me that I really REALLY care for and believe deserve a good life, but the core of who I am isn’t really whole and doesn’t operate as such. It’s like 12 people crammed in a minivan and I’m the driver that has lost life in their eyes with a straight face that the camera zooms in on in the movies on chaotic roadtrips.

Is this just normal existential dread? Do I just need to go look at the sun?

Of course I can’t forget those who are here just for the snacks— I’m listening to St. Vincent.

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Well fuck me, right?

I feel myself inching closer to long nights, tear-stained pillows, rapid weight loss, and overall becoming weaker.

What if Mitski’s right. What if I’ve given everything that I can and I just plateau for the next 80 years (not likely given the shortened life expectancy of someone with major depressive disorder)

"I don't need the world to see  That I've been the best I can be"

Part of me is hoping I do have more to give and I stop getting stuck in this will-they-won’t-they tango with a hand full of pills.

anyways, will continue life tomorrow like normal and take my midterms and smile and nod at everyone :)

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How to not suicide

I’m overwhelmed. With life. With politics. With school. With work. With what to freaking watch on tv. Grim day

I did a little research on the link between purpose and happiness/contentment with life. Overwhelmed by the amount of peer-reviewed sources that credit having a purpose in life (and knowing how to achieve it) with having a better quality of life. One source in particular actually showed that having identified a purpose in life had a positive impact on quality of life and happiness if you’re between the ages of 10-40, but still searching for your purpose only added benefit if you were between 10-25. Guess that’s a hard cutoff...

But let me tell you there does not exist even close to the amount of sources on how to actually find that purpose and what it is. I find my research is edging me closer and closer to existentialism, which I’m dreading. I hate philosophy because there’s no right or wrong answer there’s always a “well according to…” line I want there to be a straightforward answer. I want to know brushing my teeth and showering everyday will help.

With little energy left for living life it’s hard to want to push on and continue trying so many different things, and because I feel like I’ve tried so many things. Maybe I’m missing the motivation?

Also reading that life is what you make it sucks because well this is what I’ve made it. My purpose is to go to school and get good grades so I can stay in a country that’s safe for people like me. I guess that’s my reason for getting out of bed, but that just doesn’t seem good enough. There’s still something utterly void in myself.

https://doi.org/10.1080/17439760903271439

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How will I know when I’ve found “IT” ?

It’s been a day. I got sick over the weekend which royally sucks, but hey, such is life. I did get an A on a midterm today, which I was psyched about :D, and then promptly took a fever-induced nap under my heated blanket.

It did snow this weekend which I love! Snow holds less happiness for me than reading and libraries, but it has been a trusted companion through the years for the hours and hours of introspection I’ve done freezing my ass off on a pile of snow. It’s something I didn’t grow up with, or around, so I’m not really sure where my obsession with it comes from. However, you will catch me unabashedly trying to catch snowflakes in mouth and kicking snow piles whenever there is snow around me. It would be a doozy if my purpose in this life were to think.

I’ve been trying to discern over the last couple of days what direction I want to move this project in: how will I know when I find true meaning? Having it be a foreign concept to my brain because of experiencing (from what I recall of my life thus far) I think collectively two years of purpose and happiness. Is it a spontaneous insight? Is it just recognizing that the days are beginning to separate out and retain meaning? Is it having a child come up to you and telling you that they want to be like you when they grow up?

This week I want to reach out to some people in my life and ask them how they find meaning in life or if they are also in a weird rectangular canoe with tiny holes, floating in the vast nothingness. My hope is the former.

I’ll upload these responses and ofc will be maintaining anonymity of them for privacy reasons. I’ll also be dissecting them to see if there’s a general consensus of finding meaning, or if it’s entirely personalized (and more work for me to find). I’ll also be interested to see if their purpose and meaning has been a constant through their life, but showed up in different jobs/projects/etc., or if their purpose has changed overtime. I surmise people’s purpose changes over time. I’ll see if I can rope in some literature on this.

I’m also going to dive into the things they tell everyone to do when they’re depressed and see if that makes a difference now that I have a different motivation? I’ve tried almost everything under the sun that is suggested for depression, and I’ll go through some of those as well and talk about the differences I saw (or didn’t).

anyways, as always, here’s the song I’m listening to while writing this.

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February 1, 2025

Overall today I feel tired, but I did have a nice walk after studying for a midterm— that was nice. I used to take a walk every night for about a mile no matter the weather. I can’t say that it definitely inspired me to be alive, but I did look forward to it most days and I think that’s something.

That was also a time where I would get drunk and drive on back country roads on icy roads hoping I would spin out of control and go over a cliff so glass has water in it? Or whatever the expression should be where the glass is not full, nor empty, but a secret third option of being just somewhat occupied with water.

Tonight my roommate and I are moving some bookshelves into my room to make a private library of sorts which does bring a smile to my face. I can’t remember feeling the burden of depression in a library, even as a kid I loved the library. Maybe I will investigate that...

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First Test I ever ACEd

Wellllll I have made myself sad with my research already. I had a pretty good idea that Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) had a positive correlation with depression and suicide rates, but I guess seeing the information took away a lot of hope that maybe it was all in my head. This post is long and arduous fyi.

TL;DR ACEs have a substantial effect on longterm health, success, and mental health in children who have experienced this kind of treatment. Specifically for me, I’m looking at the rates/severity of depression and suicide attempts. If I want to step in front of a bus, there better be a good reason, and turns out, scientifically, a lot of professionals agree these rates are higher in those with ACEs.

Me, just a wee lad, watching my parents scream and fight from inside the cupboards trying to block out the noise with purple Tinkerbell earmuffs, had no idea. The other children out there going through the same thing. My heart hurts for them. My heart wants to save them.

What is an ACE? An Adverse Childhood Experience refers to specific kinds of adversity that children experience in their main environment, which include: physical and emotional abuse, neglect and household dysfunction. This is according to a 1995 study conducted by the CDC and Kaiser Health that defined ACEs.

SO also I did find an interesting paper that tested the ACEs separately to see if one type had higher rates of attempted suicide or not, especially when measured next to people who hadn’t experienced ACE. Physical abuse, sexual abuse, and parental domestic violence in childhood all independently put the person at an increased risk of attempting suicide at least once in their lives. This means that even if you don’t experience sexual or physical abuse in childhood and you only experienced parental domestic violence, you’re still at an increased risk for attempting suicide at least once.

Another study looked at the severity of depressive symptoms with each ACEs category independently. They found that experiencing four or more ACEs increased your risk three-fold for developing depressive symptoms, which is also associated with higher rates of suicide and suicidal ideation. See where I’m going with this?

Enough of the science for now. That is a bit of a shock to me I guess I hadn’t expected that all of the categories of ACEs would independently increase your risk of ever attempting suicide. I myself have attempted suicide four times in my life— the first being when I was eight. I do genuinely fear that my death one day will be self-inflicted.

What still baffles me is there is SO much research that supports not abusing children or exposing them to domestic violence and yet we keep doing it? Part of me recognizes that so much abuse stems from impoverished families and exacerbated stress, but there are plenty of impoverished families who do not abuse their kids, and plenty of middle-class families who do. Poverty seems like an explanation, not an excuse. This is coming from someone who was dirt poor growing up and often stole food from other kids’ lunch boxes to have a meal during the day, and was allowed to go through lost and found at school to take clothes home.

Right not I could not give less of a fuck about being poor and stressed thinking abusing children is the way to handle anything. I don’t know who or what I blame more. Either way, I guess I’m excited to be alive again tomorrow to continue this research.

This is not to invalidate your struggle if you had ACEs and haven’t attempted suicide, or don’t struggle with depression. Struggle is valid is valid is valid, and number of attempts is in no way a boast.

Cat break. The one on the left is Keeva Baby, and the one on the right is Mr. Goosester. Take a breath.

Resources:

Call or text 988 suicide prevention hotline.

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3232061/

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8243305/#CR25

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🚨CLARIFICATION🚨

I’d like to clarify something….

All suicidal ideology, etc. is being closely monitored by a licensed mental health professional.

Thank you to those that were worried about that and reached out.

Part of my issue is I’m just not an open and vulnerable person I really want to be and have worked hard to be as open and vulnerable as I am now, but such is life, I’m not where I want to be. I’m excited by this blog because I can essentially do what I want? I can be totally open and authentically me which, to some degree, is very freeing. There is definitely some grace is being able to hide behind a username and a keyboard I will say...

What I want to research first is how fucked am I already? What adverse things in my life and genetics already put me at an increased risk of struggling with depression and all of its lovely accoutrements? How low of a bar do I need to raise up? My work this week will be researching studies and experiments that link adverse life events with increased rates of depression, suicide, generally lower quality of life. My hypothesis is the more adverse events you go through in life, especially in early formative years, the more “at risk” you are for developing depression later on, if those events don’t outright cause depression in the first place.

This is how it feels searching the vast knowledge of science right now.

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Hiya my name is Rose. I’m sure you’ve read my intro (unless you haven’t). I’m 26 actually now and feel my life wasting away day by day. I so deeply want to feel like my life is full of meaning and love and something I want to be alive for.

I’m using this blog to help document my research into what makes a life worth living. Some people have cracked the code and I want to know what that code is.

Is it brain chemistry? Is it having well adjusted parents? Is it not listening to MITSKI over and over in the dark while staring at your ceiling? IS IT YOGA??

Who knows, but science hopefully will help me get closer to discovering what a life worth living means to me.

Along the way I’ll be posting silly updates, serious updates, resources I’ve found, pictures of my cats, whatever song I’m listening to when I make the post.

I will be posting trigger warnings, but this blog explicitly deals with suicide ideology, dissociative disorders, depression, anxiety, childhood trauma related to abuse and sexual assault. Please read responsibly.

I will also be posting mental health resources that I find such as help lines and resource centers. These are in no way professional advice, but it’s what I can offer. My DMs are always open if you need to talk ❤️