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[wearealljusttrying]

June 5, 2020

Hello again.

Honestly, I forgot about you. It’s been 4 years. So much has happened. So much time has passed. Where do I begin?

I’m 25 now. I’m for lack of a better word, an “adult.” I have an apartment, 2 cats, bills, a full time job, a car, a shit ton more stress. But it’s mine. And you know, I deserve it.

I’m wondering if there is a way that I can really put the last 4 years into words. And not an extremely long post. But this might make me feel better than I have in awhile. So I guess we should just dive right in, huh?

I’ve relocated many times since I spoke to you last. Columbus, back to a different time zone, back to Ohio, to Charlotte for a short time, and back to Ohio. Where I am currently.I think I’ve realized that I relocate when things get so out of control that I can’t breathe. I guess I’m just not good at coping lol. Or maybe I am, and I don’t give myself enough credit. Who knows.

I love my job now, or at least I used to. I don’t hate it but I’m getting that familiar feeling where I’ve been in the same place for too long. I might just be paranoid. I live in the city, which I love. I’ve always loved being in the city. It’s busy and loud and we have that in common. I live by myself for the first time ever, and my apartment isn’t a mansion but its just what I need. You never realize how much stuff you have until you live alone for the first time. it’s like “how am I taking up this much space by myself?!”

Anyway.

If you’ve been here before, youre probably wondering about the obvious. 

“They who must not be named”

They are gone. I cannot say long gone. We’ve had our fair share of run ins over the last few years. I think I can honestly say that I stopped posting because things got so bad, and so dark, that I couldn’t take care of myself mentally anymore. I forgot. I just forgot. 

It didn’t get better. Worse actually. We never restarted. And the more time went on, I realized it had to have been for the better. Of course there were those passion filled reunions. He had a way of slipping back in annually.

“He” Dayton it is a man. I’m a woman. Whew, weird.

But those reunions always ended in regret, leaving me feeling so ridiculous. Because I could’ve avoided it. I always knew what the outcome would be, but I couldn’t help myself. He was familiar. He was safe. But he did not bring out the best in me. I was actually beginning to feel embarrassed everytime I let him pull the same stunt over and over. Today I don’t really feel like getting into the details. It is SUCH a long story. One day eventually. Or maybe never.I’ve told my story so many times and to so many people that at one point it was therapeutic. But not anymore. I grew to learn that it was toxic. It was emotional manipulation. It was painful. And it was a choice I continued to make until this last time, once it ended the way it always did, I felt numb. Just numb. 

It’s true what people say, though. Nobody can talk you out of a situation you’re not ready to be rid of. Of course I could lie to myself and say I was done everytime. And I did. But I knew that if he called, no matter how long it had been, or what time it was, I would answer. But eventually you get to the point where you’re just tired. You’ve got a million other things going on and it’s just like ‘I do not even have the time or the emotional capacity to care about this the way I once did. You suck. I have to go to work.” So thats pretty much what happened. 

But truly I don’t want to talk about this anymore. So many other major things have happened and this isn’t emotionally and mentally consuming anymore. So I’m gonna end this here for right now. Pretty cool I found you.

I’m glad I didn’t kill myself in 2016 though. 

[wearealljusttrying]

Blog #5 Life Itself

Still grieving. Honestly don’t know when I’ll stop, but on to other things.

The search for a job has literally been a fucking bust. I hate job searching its actually the absolute fucking worst. I have bee having an immense amount of stress and anxiety lately. It honestly feels like it’s never ending. I think I’m going to start meditating again. I used to do it for a short amount of time and as far as I can remember it didn’t help INSANELY but it did take my mind off of things and did make me feel somewhat better. I think it’ll help me reconnect with me and loving myself. 

But earlier when I was thinking about Dayton, and the issues they have internally, I think I had an epiphany. 

Dayton and I basically grew up the same person.

We were shy, both sweet kids, had friends. But we were both made fun of. We were both the kid in our group of friends that was seen as weaker or the friend of the group everyone ragged on.

When I went off to college and started fresh, I met people who finally helped me realize my worth and love myself. They took me under their wing to be honest and I learned so much from just having to face everything alone without my parents or siblings or family to run to when I didn’t want to face something. I was literally FORCED to face the world, (or at least the campus of the University of Cincinnati) on my own. It took me almost a year and a half of being around new people who genuinely wanted well for me to realize my worth and to find my own voice and to speak up for myself. To not be labeled as the weak timid friend (even though sometimes it still felt like that because I was younger than everyone anyway)

Dayton hasn’t had any kind of experience like that. And it all kind of makes sense to me now. Dayton needs those people, or that push, or whatever you want to call it that I went through. Dayton needs to be motivated like the way I was motivated. I can relate, but only so much because although we are very similar, we are also very different. But, food for thought. This isn’t a post mainly about my relationship.

I don’t know how long its going to take Dayton, because it took me such a long time myself. But I need to find that in myself again. I need to refocus on the light in my own heart that I supply for myself. I need to recenter my life I want so desperately to be there for Dayton and to help them on the journey that I went on but I can’t do that. I can’t. I had to figure it out on my own, and that’s the best way for any and everyone to do it. Well, the people that are going through the same thing.

I’m looking to move away from Ohio again. I can never seem to sit still but these past few months are so overwhelming and I’m reminded everyday of Dayton. I need a breather, I need space. I don’t think I was ever meant to stay in Ohio anyway. My heart and my spirit are too wild for what Ohio has to offer me, or lets face it. What does Ohio really have to offer me?

I’m not feeling better today really. But I am feeling lighter. A little more calm. My heart is still broken, and I still miss Dayton so much it hearts. But there is absolutely no communication going on and there is no way for me to even check to see how they are doing. It’s like an actual quarantine from each other. And I think it’s indefinite. I just imagine permanently moving away from this place. And making a completely new life and friends. Mainly right now because, I can’t imagine going out or getting on the internet to find out that Dayton has moved on to someone else. I can’t be here for that. I really do think that I have to go. I’ve been up under my family again for sometime now and I think I’m losing the essence of being my own person again. Especially when it comes to finances and living situations and personal decisions. I’m only 21, but I need to go. 

That’s just how I feel today.

[wearealljusttrying]

Blog #4 Relationships; And Lack Thereof

Guys I honestly think I’m going to go crazy. Social media honestly isn’t helping me at all. It’s just one of those things where you doubt fully that that person ever had feelings for you at all. Or if the reason they broke up with you is really the reason. Because if this person really loves you and really feels about you the way they say, then why is it so easy for them to walk away? Why is there no emotional or sign of pain in your voice when you have to leave? Why do I feel and look like the only one suffering??

I literally feel like I’m going to go insane because this just doesn’t feel right. And I know that everyone says that after a break up because they miss that person but there is honestly no other way for me to explain it. Something is wrong. Something isn’t right. I have this gut feeling that something is happening that I don’t know about and I really think that it is going to drive me over the edge. How. HOW. How can we spend all of this time together and us be perfectly happy before all of these things and now you are just doing so well in your “grieving” stage? Why aren’t you heart broken like me if you loved me more??

Like honestly PLEASE SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK I DID TO DESERVE THIS TREATMENT. I am having such a hard time with nobody to talk to. I can’t talk to family. They are just biased. And I have no friends near me anymore. Everyone has moved away so I spend my time alone now that Dayton is gone. We spent almost everyday together. Not doing anything extravagant. Literally just watching movies or talking or getting food. Never really dressing up to go out. We were so casual and that’s how we both liked it. But now I just have no idea how to get passed this anymore. This is just so very hard.

[wearealljusttrying]

Blog #3 Relationship; Or Lack Thereof

Hello whoever is out there reading, if you’re out there. So as you can see, there’s a patter with what my blogs are about. It’s all about Dayton. The most recent and probably the last update with Dayton period, or for awhile, is that we had our final phone call of clarity. All this time I was under the impression that we were taking a break, with no notion that we would not get back together. But after last night, with paragraphs and paragraphs of back and forth texting trying to keep the light alive, I went to sleep feeling not as awful. Because I thought okay this is hard, but if I have to be the positive light for the both of us, then I will. Because I love Dayton that much.

This morning, as soon as I woke up my phone began to ring. It was Dayton. It was a habit that we did wake up calls and goodnight calls/facetimes. But it was not what I was expecting at all. Dayton expressed that the texts we exchanged last night although felt good to hear, we were both not in complete understanding of what was actually happening. 

We were not going on a break.

We were breaking up, for good.

I had not known that this was supposed to be the fixed outcome. I thought that we were spending time focusing on ourselves in the process with the expectation that after a certain amount of time we would try again. But no, once again I was wrong. And that was not the reality.

Dayton explained that it was not only the issue of parents and friends, but that Dayton was not where they needed to be in any aspects of their life. Financially, work wise, school wise, spirit wise, family wise. And instead of waiting around for each other and continuing to hurt me, that I needed to move on like we were never going to reconcile. I was instructed that I needed to treat this like we would never be together again. Take away the hopes. To treat them like they had wronged me. 

And now that’s what I have to do because I don’t have them anymore.

[wearealljusttrying]

Blog #2 Tuesday, September 7, 2016

Relationship; And Lack Thereof

Everyone says the nights are the hardest when it comes to heart breaks. And Ya I guess I completely agree with that. But I feel like the morning after is also equally as hard. I’ve always hated waking up, and for a split second forgetting was happened, and then all at once it came crashing in. 

Update: I received a text from Dayton this morning. a “reassurance” that I was not being ignored but that their cell phone had basically been giving them issues.

And I don’t know, its things like this that make MY insecurities come into play. I know what you’re thinking, whoever “you” are.....or if you’re even there. “it’s like just cellphone complications.....everyone goes through it. chill the fuck out.” And its like yeah I understand that that happens its common but its like....you have never had cell phone issues before today, or before the day that we decided that we weren’t going to be together anymore. I honestly can’t help it, I get paranoid. Sometimes when all of this becomes too much my brain goes into this frenzy like, “Why are you kidding yourself? This person obviously just feels bad for you, and doesn’t want to hurt your feelings so they are just giving you an elaborate story to think that they have no choice but to leave you. You’re a fool. You’re so stupid.” “Their phone isn’t fucking up, they just don’t want to talk to you. And they are making up an excuse so that they don’t have to, and so that you won’t call!”

That’s what goes through my mind. Sometimes I think I’ve gone bat shit crazy. Because as far as I know, I know this person. I really know them, and I love them. Just like they do me. They would never do that to me. But everything has just been so awful and unexpected, I feel like I don’t even know what to believe anymore. Dayton didn’t make me feel insecure in that way, but this insecurity came along stronger I guess after we became involved. Things will be said, but never followed through. Let me explain as best I can.

If Dayton and I would get into an argument, and things eventually started to calm and die down, we would both just try to zen out. We would continue making sure that whatever disagreement was resolved, and then we would venture into conversation about something else. Once the phone call would start to come to and end, I would usually ask,

 “So alright, are we okay? We resolved it? Are you okay?”

And Dayton would usually say, 

“Yes. We are fine, everythings fine. We understand each other now.”

I love yous would be exchanged, the call would end. I would be under the impression that everything was fine and that we had had a healthy conversation resolving our issue. But I knew better. As soon as I would text D later or D would text me, D would be short. Replies were short, tones were different. And I knew that as soon either of us had hung up the phone, that Dayton began stewing and simmering on their own, and forced themself into a “spell” even after we had talked it out and fixed everything, or so at least I thought.

And boy, can I tell yall how much that SEVERLEY PISSED ME THE FUCK OFF. LIKE FAM SERIOUSLY WHY LIE ABOUT HOW YOU’RE FEELING WHEN WE ARE LITERALLY TRYING TO HAVE A CONVERSATION TO RESOLVE EVERYTHING. YOU DOING THAT JUST OPENS UP ANOTHER ARGUMENT IN THE FUTURE. SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT. YOU’VE LITERALLY JUST MADE IT WORSE. I’VE NEVER BEEN SO PISSED OFF IN MY LIFE THAN WHEN DAYTON DOES THIS. LIKE BRO FUCKING SERIOUSLY JUST FUCKING SAY HOW YOU’RE FEELING AND LETS TRY TO FUCKING FIX ITTTTTTTTTTT GOD DAMN IT.

And I am literally the best at hiding my feelings so that it won’t make Dayton feel even worse but seriously its the worst fucking thing. Why make me feel like we fixed something that isn’t fixed.

This hiatus that we are on, (thats what I’m going to call it) is another example. When we have face to face conversations about it it just comes off like a “wait for me” conversation, yanno? Like a let me just take a little time to get my shit together, and fix what needs to be mended, and then I will be back. And we can work on our relationship. And we can try, because thats what I want. But then I get texts like I did this morning thats like “being away from you hurts, but I don’t know if this is the end of not.” Like fam seriously.........if its the end what is the point of me waiting? You want me to wait until you get your shit together (whenever that may be) and then once you do, there is a possibility that you won’t come back for me? WHY THE FUCK WOULD I WAIT THEN. 

I don’t know I just feel like I’m going to go crazy. Like I’m the type of person who just needs a sure fire “Yes, wait for me” or a “No don’t wait for me. Move on” like thats literally what I need to know that I need to stop trying. 

But like I said. Paranoid thoughts prevail. Where it might be obvious to some that Dayton would want to end it and is just avoiding doing it, it’s not what I see and if that is what it is I don’t want to see it. But I just, I don’t know anymore.

[wearealljusttrying]

September 6, 2016

So I’ve decided to start this blog on the premises that I have realized I really have no one to talk to, and the my therapist says I need to vent outside of my appointments only. lol

This will be a blog dedicated to just getting things out. For myself. To anyone that reads this and needs a little boost, or to just feel like they aren’t alone like I feel, quite often. It’ll be mainly about my daily circumstances, my trials and tribulations, my family, and my relationship, or lack thereof. 

I’m choosing to be anonymous. For the simple fact that I don’t want this blog to be viewed as simply a man with a masculinity complex, or an overly sensitive woman. I’m also leaving out my ethnicity, for annoyingly obviously reasons. I just want everyone to be able to relate to at least one thing I post. But I guess I will disclose a few things about myself.

I am 21, I am from Ohio, and just like everyone sometimes I just need to feel sorry for myself.

Today whats been weighing heavily is my Relationship; Or Lack Thereof. I’m going to do my best to keep all things anonymous, so for the time being I will refer to my significant other as Dayton. Simple enough, right?

A little summary of our relationship, as best as I can and as short as I can. Because man, is it a ton of shit. Some great shit, and some really fucking awful shit. Some unfair shit, and some “honestly, what the fuck”, shit. Some awww :/ shit, and some, okay well that’s the shit I like. But let me shut up. Here goes, as best as I can, a timeline in a nutshell up until today. Or, well tonight.  

I have met Dayton 3 times over the past 3 years, and did not remember a single time when it was brought to my attention. I’m a musician, and sometimes I perform at gigs around my city and meet all kinds of people. I had met Dayton at a few of these, but because it was not an extended interaction and each place was buzzing with people, it had always slipped my mind. 

Well fast forward to 2016. I moved away to a different time zone for a job. I had been there for about 3 months, and because of the extreme time difference from back home I was always up and awake when the rest of Ohio was sleeping. Twitter and instagram are my poisons of choice, but when I’ve scrolled to the ends of the earth, sometimes I decide to put up with Facebook. And that’s when it happened. You know how when someone who you aren’t friends with on facebook tags someone who you ARE friends with on facebook, it pops up on your news feed? Well, as soon as I logged on there was Dayton. Playing the piano at a church, with one shoe off (which I eventually learned was how it was easiest to do the foot pedals, lol). I was immediately drawn to their page and before I knew it I was skimming in search of a twitter or instagram username. I found both, and like the inner stalker that we all possess, I followed both. Almost instantly, Dayton followed back. Instagram, and then twitter. From then on I proceeded with the usual prize winning attention grabbers. Spamming their page with likes, subtweets here and there, heart eye emojis under a few pictures. But it honestly felt like it wasn’t working. I would get one like back, or maybe a favorite or two on some of my tweets. So I decided that I would take matters into my own hands. I took to the direct messages on twitter. I slid in them DMs like it was slip n slide season of ‘04. And then responses started flowing, and eventually so did texts. Facetime dates were requested, and once I explained my situation and my time difference I honestly expected the conversations to die off. I got off work at 10 pm my time, which meant 4 am their time. But the immediate response was: “I’m setting my alarm, and I’m gonna get this quick nap in. I’ll see you soon.” I was in utter disbelief, and I didn’t really have an expectation, but I happily went with it, and said I’d call once I was off. The phone only rang once before I heard a very groggy “hello” and that folks, was the beginning. We spoke consistently for the rest of the week, facetime calls when we could. Falling asleep with phones plugged in and and volumes up with my loud ass snoring through the phone. But Dayton didn’t care. Told me it was cute, actually. I was mad embarrassed but it helped that they didn’t mind it at all. 

Eventually work got hectic and sometimes my depression comes in full swing when I’m away from home and homesick, so conversation dwindled over the next few days, then weeks. I had managed to let Dayton know that I would be coming home for the summer soon though, on May 23, and that seemed to keep them charged up with conversation even when I was not. I felt awful because I knew Dayton was affected, but we had not reached that point where personal shit like that was being shared yet. But even on days where we had not spoken at all, I would receive a text that said some thing like “Thinking of you. I know you’re going through something. And even though I’m new, you can always talk to me. Hope to hear from you soon.” I felt like such a shitty person but it was just so hard some days all I could do was work and talk to my mom.

May 23rd came and went, and I was home. A few days had gone by, and after the initial excitement of seeing all of my friends and family was over, and way too much alcohol was involved, I settled back into my home and immediately thought of Dayton. One of my “friends” worked at a pretty popular bar in our city that was extremely busy on weekends, but not necessarily on Thursdays. So I got one of our mutuals. Went to the bar. Got drunk. And called Dayton. Not even 20 minutes went by before they showed up. Also drunk. Also with friends. I grabbed mine away from the bar, and proceeded outside. I was too drunk to be nervous. But as soon as I saw Dayton, it felt like the way I still feel when I see their face to this day. Like feeling like I have no idea what our future holds but shit, our story is going to be good. 

We spent the rest of that night together. After the bar doors had closed up, and the world was asleep, we were sitting in the car outside of one of our houses. Laughing, kissing, talking like we were old friends catching up, and then for most of it, we were just silent. Soaking in everything that was in that moment, us. 

On that first night that Dayton and I spent together, we were out until the sun started to come up, and as I was leaving, this is how the conversation went:

Me: “The sun is coming up! so wait is this.....goodmorning?”

D:” well man I guess it is 6 am, so yeah I think so! lol”

Me:”But wait I didn’t even get to say goodnight to you!”

D:”Well then for us I guess its goodnight goodmorning!”

And thats what it was.

From that day on we were inseparable. Spending our days filled with festivals, long talks in the car until 5 am, late night ice cream dates, showing each other our favorite secret spots around or city that used to seem so small, but now felt humongous because it had kept us apart for so long. And the nights we didn’t spend together, ended with falling asleep on facetime like we did those first few nights we talked. Waking up to the call still going in the morning and eating breakfast together. All over the phone. And even if we argued, and ignored each other all day, I knew that before it got too late or I fell asleep, the day would end with a “goodnight goodmorning.” And I could go to sleep peacefully knowing that text meant that Dayton would still be there tomorrow. It was everything I could have asked for, and more. And then, on June 14th, everything changed. I had come to find out that although Dayton wanted a relationship with me, the false opinions from their friends had sidelined Daytons decision making and led D to doubt wanting to proceed in furthering our friendship at the moment. I was livid. Knowing that people who I barely knew had such strong opinions about me, that concerned Dayton so much to the point of doubt. There was screaming and yelling and crying and silence and failed attempts at walking out for about 2 hours. And then, for some reason, we decided that that was the perfect day to become a couple. So from that moment on, we were in a full relationship. Me, not having been in a relationship since 2012 was cool on the outside but going FUCKKKK YESSSSSSS on the inside. 

Eventually we got into the full swing of our honeymoon phase. Doing everything we loved to do together and loving every minute of it. Until Dayton told me that their family had to leave for TWO WHOLE FUCKING WEEKS to Mobile, Alabama for a church convention. Boy was I hurt. Dayton and I had never spent more than 24 hours away from each other at a time since the day we met when I arrived home. But I knew that D needed to go, and that his faith was important, so I did my best to put on a happy face. 

The events that went on at the convention were very time consuming, and although I knew Dayton would try very hard to talk to me everyday, those amounts of time were slim to none. But I was happy, because I knew they were really trying. 

Now I know some are wondering what kind of church/church convention this is, and although I don’t really want to involve that much information right now, this is the best way I can explain it:

Dayton belonged to a church, that was a part of a chain of churches that exist in a few states. In whatever state that the chain existed there were a few small churches that members attended every week, and then one large church that was visited once or twice a month when everyone came together. You for the most part do not visit or go to any other church that is outside of the chain of churches that you belonged to, (I learned this the hard way when my extended invitation was declined rather harshly). But once a year, everyone meets in Mobile, Alabama at a large hotel, and they basically have a huge convention where the different Bishops and Pastors and Ministers each teach and preach their own services. Dayton had to attend church 3 times a day for basically 10 days. The morning, the afternoon, and a late service that usually let out around like 11. Which is some wild shit to me. But I am here not to offend, but to explain the best I can.

I could tell that Dayton was changing. Not drastically, but gradually through our short phone calls. But eventually 2 weeks was over, and Dayton was finally home. Ds family arrived home early one Monday afternoon, but the day didn’t exactly go as planned. Dayton explained to me that their parents advised to stay home for the next few days to linger in (for lack of a better word) everything that they had experienced over the last two weeks. Now okay I was fucking pissed. In my head I’m just thinking “ok yall have had time to linger in that shit for two weeks can I just see Dayton....” but it wasn’t that easy. From that day on I started to learn about the relationship between Dayton, and Daytons’ parents. 

Dayton and I both still live with parents. Me because I’m broke and make stupid decisions that make me back track and Dayton because D is still in school very close to home and thats the cheaper way, as a lot of you know and also experience. (Dayton is 22 by the way, I don’t think I explained that.) ANYWAY. The more time we started to spend together, not as much as we used to, but also more often in Daytons home, was that Ds parents weighed in heavily on a lot of the decisions and choices that D made. Now a lot of you understand that when you’re young and you still live with your parents, it fucking sucks sometimes because even though you’re over the age of 18 you still have to abide by some rules and regulations in their home. I get it. I had to go through it too. But with Dayton it was to a whole nother level. Honestly, D has never had any decision making skills on their own. Never made an adult decision alone and had to be accountable for it, alone. Daytons parents were both Ministers. To add, I am a christian. I firmly believe in the whole “honor your mother and father” junk. I do. If I didn’t, I would get my shit split on numerous occasions because that didn’t fly in my house. But Daytons parents wanted D to follow in the path of becoming a minister. And not in the way of laying out the tools for D to take and learn with, but more so making life decisions for D so that D could never make a mistake and do it their way. Not Daytons way........but I’ll come back to this.

Major issues started to arise when I had gone out of town about an hour away to visit two of my homies one weekend. It was about 1 am and I got my nightly call from Dayton, who seemed completely unsettled. After about 30 minutes of prying I finally got the information I probably shouldn’t have tried so had for. Apparently when D had gone out that night, one of their friends started giving them a hard time about me. Basically stating that Dayton could do so much better, for the simple fact that I’m a bigger person. And to be completely honest, it all went downhill from there. That deeply troubled me. It caused major issues for us. Insecurities when it came to being intimate, and me not wanting to take part in social outings that involved Daytons friends, which resulted in Dayton staying home to chill with me, and I knew D didn’t mind it but I knew they would’ve liked to have been out. 

And then it eventually came about that because of how strong Ds parents opinion weighed on Ds life, they had brought it upon themselves to express to Dayton that they had spoken with God and the message that they received was that I was not the one for Dayton. And this was not one conversation. This turned into giving Dayton a lecture everytime they knew we were going to be together that day or after Dayton had gone home from being with me and told them about the nights festivities. Literally. Everytime. 

Dayton became so conflicted between right and wrong with God and words from parents and their personal strong feelings for me. Much to the point of separation, anxiety, and depression. For the both of us. Dayton would go through things that I like to call “spells” which basically meant that D was so conflicted to the point where they would just shut down and not speak to me for days on end. Until I would literally have to do everything in my power to pry them out of that dark hole that they had been in and give constant reassurance of my love and loyalty. Which I never minded doing, but sometimes it gets to the point where you feel like you’ve completely lost that person altogether sometimes. And then it gets to the point where when you start to see signs of a “spell” about to happen you literally have to prepare yourself like one would prepare for a tornado and stock up on remedies and things to say to prevent the storm from happening. And all the while i’m putting all of my effort and love and care and attention into this person because they are going through so much that when things are finally okay for once, and everything is calm, you have a mental break down your damn self because you realize that because you have been taking care of this person, nobody, not even you YOURSELF, has been taking care of you and your personal wants and needs. 

I love Dayton. But this has literally been hell. Its gotten to the point where I am no longer welcome over into their home. And I know what you’re all thinking. “Like okay fam, you had to have done something. Did you cheat? Lie? Say some dumb offensive shit to they mama? Shoot they family dog?” 

No. I’ve done nothing to deserve any of the way I’ve been treated. They won’t let Dayton be happy with me. Its come to break up, reconcile, break up, reconcile, lie to your family about your plans, blame me for having to lie to your family indirectly, break up for good. 

This weekend was Labor day weekend. Cookouts galore. Like any other family, On monday we had a cookout. Of course I invited Dayton. Dayton is invited to and for the most part attends every one of my family gatherings. This is the first time Daytons family has had a family gathering since I’ve been in the picture. They had two, actually. And I was not welcome at either one. How embarrassing it was to have to answer those cliche “where is Dayton” questions. But I took them like a champ. I ate each punch in the chest strong as fuck. And then I silently excused myself to back bathroom to let out the pain and embarrassment I felt.

Like does anyone know how emotionally draining it is to fight for a person, and not even knowing why they have to fight? Not having a damn thing to prove, it’s literally just the fact that you exist that makes it wrong for you to be with someone? So much to the point where it is brought up almost everyday? Feeling like the person who you are so in love with, doesn’t love you enough to fight for you, like you would for them? Knowing that they are so ashamed of what their family might say, so they choose not to bring you to something as simple as a labor day cookout? I honestly don’t know how I’m handling any of this. I guess thats why I have a therapist now, lol.

Yesterday was labor day. My anger from the embarrassment fueled me enough to tell Dayton that I was done being offended and demonized by their family, and that out of sheer hurt, I was done and to bring back my shit.

Dayton came over late last night. We cried. We talked. We stood in silence. We held each other. And I swear, you could literally feel the release, and everything just slip off into the night air. 

Last night things were returned. Last night Dayton made the decision that they had to be alone in order to get their shit together and line up their priorities so that they knew how to happily have me in their life, and at the same time feel like they are honoring the wishes of God and their parents. Last night Dayton made the decision that no contact was best for us. Until we knew we could stand being away from each other anymore. Last Night Dayton drove away.

About 45 minutes later I got a call, like I knew I would. Dayton can never keep a word, lol. It was an “I miss you already, but I don’t know what else to do and I need this time” call. We both cried. Our anniversary is next Wednesday. I asked if our rules could make an exception for that day.......bad idea. Then it was mutually agreed that still texting, talking/facetiming could be managed. Which made me happy, but I knew Dayton. As soon as this call ended, Dayton would realize that they couldn’t handle it, and any contact would be too hard. 

It’s 24 hours later. And I was right. No sign of Dayton today. At least not the one I fell in love with. 4 replies and 24 hours later.

Its 2:22 am as I right this. I’m about to go to bed. 

I’m about to go to bed for the first time without a Goodnight, Goodmorning.