weedinfusedextravaganza - Tumblr blog

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hehe silly funny

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TW TW TW TW TW RANT TW TW

here's one of the reasons I relapsed unintentionally:

last month, my bestfriends new boyfriend and I had conflict.

angrily, he said: "what, do you fucking think I am calling you fucking fat? Is that what it is? you think im calling you fat" to me in one sentence, and then covered it up with "no, I was never calling you fat, I think you're really fit tbh"

I never said he was calling me fat. I didn't think he was. but my response to something made him think I was. he got really angry. the way he approached me was... terrifying. im going through alot of stress and cptsd from my child/teenhood and past relationships. so having a male yell at me was the last thing I fucking wanted that day.

I dont blame him. but that really fucked me up. I hate that it did. because I tried to not let it. because im far beyond these days. Ive been "recovered" for 2 years maybe now. but this whole month ive been just unintentionally suffering the words "Fat" yelled at me aggressively so many times as I also try to convince myself to ignore that nothing on me is fat but bc he said it so many times in that sentence it just felt like he damn well fucking was.

I do NOT care for what he thinks of me, or what I look like. this relapse is NOT about him. he is NOT the fault for it. he just. rubbed some salt in my wounds.

he apologised in thee most manly gaslightly way possible but I dont forgive that easily. and my bestie ... told me to apologise to him. which made me feel really disregarded. wich makes me scared for her too. there are things Im seeing that she does not.

theres already been enough mental/physical torment on my plate. depression, as well as alot of anxiety and adhd causing so much physical strain on my body.

im already seeing alot of changes in my body. as well as the symptoms of my IBS being REALLY triggered again. shitting water or constipated as fuck depending on my moods is really fucking draining. yes I like what I see... yes... im getting skinny again. yes... but. I didnt want this before.i stopped wanting to be skinny before this for a while. I was happy with loving every inch of myself for real.

what he said is NOT the main reason for my relapse. but I know THEY are going to think so. and that, I am afraid for. the embarrassment is already there.

this whole thing still makes me fucking sick.

[weedinfusedextravaganza]

that fun game of is that an aftershock or am i slightly jolting back and forth from anxiety

[weedinfusedextravaganza]

Hello.

im here to just express my darkest struggles because I cant go to anybody else about them.

if you're above the age of 20. welcome. anybody below I am sorry but we will not be friends. for your safety, and for my psyche.

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rant. TW TW TW TW TW TW TW

i am sick of wondering what I should eat for dinner every night. ive been sick of it for a long time. I dont currently have any food fixations either so nothing feels safe. im sick of going to the grocery store. im sick of my stomach yelling at me. and im sick of my mind yelling at me too. im sick of eating point blank. its a fucking chore.

[weedinfusedextravaganza]

ahhhhhhhh here we go again

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David Lynch shows off his Nine Inch Nails - The Downward Spiral CD

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can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting farts? i could really take a shit right now…

[weedinfusedextravaganza]

made by me

[weedinfusedextravaganza]

i am blessed w the immediate need to shit the second i wake up and vape once

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please no

[weedinfusedextravaganza]

dangerously on the brink of letting my situation ship ruin my life so I I'll starve