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welcometotheonethatgotaway-blog · 8 years ago

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Chapter 1 - 24th March 2017

You get hit by it when you least expect it. And I am not talking about the flu or some similar disease, although considering the outcome one could categorise it as a deadly condition. I’m talking about the over-mediatised topic in shows; the thing we so desirably search for our whole life. The one thing that can destroy or repair us in a matter of seconds. Yes, I am talking about love. Well, what I perceived as love. As you read this you might think that I’m over-exaggerating everything that I’m saying or that I’m making stuff up, but, honestly, I am not. So sit back, relax, and enjoy my longest not-so-love story that lasted all of 2 months.

It all started in such an idiotic manner. It was an innocent night, I was talking to some not-so-innocent people on the internet (don’t think of anything dirty… yet) and just feeling quite bored. At some point I innocently thought to myself: “Hey, I could make some time pass by swiping Tinder. I am not looking for anything in particular, but it’s nice looking at cute faces one in a while”.

So I started swiping (not gonna lie, most of them I swiped left, which, for whoever doesn’t know, means that you don’t want to match with the person that has popped up) and I hopelessly and aimlessly did so for about an hour or two. But from one swipe to another I stumbled upon someone. Nothing went through my mind except the fact that he owned the same onesie that I had. A Star Wars Chewbacca one, £15 from Primark. I thought it was kind of humorous so I swiped right (which means you want to match with the said person) and *drumroll* IT’S A MATCH! For the sake of confidentiality I’ll just refer to him as Rob.

So after matching with this Rob person, I was interested in finding out more about him. So I did what people usually do before swiping right, which is check their profile. By doing this I got to realise that this person I matched with is actually pretty damn adorable, not gonna lie. So I initiated conversation and took the role of the “I’ll text first” person. I made a remark about having the same onesie and we hit it off from there. We played a nice game that I proposed that involves “I ask one question, you ask one question”. And, just how any conversation with me goes, it got to the question of “Do you have snapchat?”. The answer was yes so we moved on to there.

As a parallel to this story, I use snapchat a lot. And everyone who knows me knows I use it a lot. But most people don’t take the time to think why that is. It’s because nothing stays. Everything is temporary. All the pictures, all the texts. Unless screenshotted, (which shows), or saved, they’re just gone. This gives any insecure person like me, a tiny sense of security. No screenshots of WhatsApp convos, no saved pictures to show, no evidence of anything that’s happened that I won’t know of.

ANYWHORE, moving on. There were some flirty remarks directed towards me, which felt nice, but at that point I was not looking into anything of the sort. I just wanted to un-bore myself. So we continued snapchatting back and forth for a solid 2-3 hours.

Not to bore you too much I will skip the tens of selfies exchanged in those hours and jump to where it gets interesting.

So it’s about 10:30-ish PM by now, at this point we were talking about meeting up for a coffee or something. I jokingly responded with “What if I come by your place tonight?”… Ok, I totally get how that sounds and trust me when I say it was not what it seems to be. At first I asked that as a joke, anticipating a negative response, but… little did I know that his answer was positive. So, me being me, and being incapable of making decisions, I divert the conversation off subject while thinking hard of what to do. I know I could have just said no because it was too quick and weird or I could say yes because hey, cute boy, never done this before, so why not? But instead of it being an easy decision it took me almost an hour. Overthinking is a bitch and I’m so sorry if you do it too. Anywhore, so I make my decision aaaaaand, well, let's just say THIS is where it all officially starts.

So I text him back saying that I’ll leave my house soon and so I did! Packed up and by 11:30 PM I was outside. No turning back. At this point I was still not fully realising what was happening and what the consequences could be so I didn’t react in any way. But the moment I step foot in the bus I thought to myself: “Crap. I’m going to the other side of London to meet a complete stranger, who can, for all I know, be a murderer, or rapist, or just a general psychopath.” So, having my anxiety levels waaaaay over my limits, I start panicking. I had to call someone. The first person that came to mind was a friend of mine who, as myself, studied in the UK. I’ll refer to her as Steph. So I message Steph that I did something stupid and ask if I could call her and to my luck she said yes. So she asks what’s up and I say: “I did a booboo… Iiiiiii… may-or-may-not-have-met-someone-on-tinder-and-now-I’m-on-my-way-to-meet-him! (heavy breathing) So, I’ll be at postcode *insert postcode here* if I don’t call you in 2 days call the police.” I was legitimately petrified. I did not know what was going to happen, who was I meeting, or better said what kind of person was I meeting and talking to Steph made me feel better. (sidenote: THANK YOU STEPH <3 ) At least I did not have a panic attack in the bus. That part comes later…

So, as soon as I get to the tube station (the place where Rob lives will be kept confidential because, you know, I’m a decent human being?) I take a tube line and change at a station for another tube line and badabing badabong, an hour and a half later I was there! I was genuinely terrified. As soon as the tube doors opened I ran up the already moving escalator stairs, feeling how my chest was getting tighter and tighter and my lungs were receiving insufficient amounts of oxygen. I rushed out the station door and lit up a cigarette (ironic right?). Freaking out, I called Rob and asked him to come pick me up. And so he did. I was looking out for him and PRAAAAAYING that he’s not taller than me (yes, that’s what I was thinking, judge me). And then, I saw him. But, unlike a normal human being who would let the other person know that you acknowledged them, I turned away and pretended I didn’t see him and let him approach me. When he was about 5 meters away from me I lifted my eyes from watching the floor, to the horizon and there he was. Approaching me, this boy, just as tall as me (or maybe 1 cm taller), with a full gingery beard (by full I don’t mean long, I mean just a really nice one that covered most of his roundy cheeks and just looked soft and all-round beautiful to be honest), a blue beanie that left his short fringe cover his forehead and blue eyes that made me think twice about loving brown eyes. I think you get it the idea that in split second there were fuck ton of things through my mind. I felt something I have only felt once before in my life. I didn’t know what it was. I had a hunch, but I didn’t want it to be true. But I pulled myself together and tried acting normal. Well… ‘normal’. So I half smile and with an awkward wave I shyly speak out: “Heeey”. To which he, with a half smile (which was and is so beautiful and charming that I just couldn’t anymore), replied: “Hi!”. And we hugged, because, quite frankly, I am a hugger, and we begin walking towards his apartment.

I tried to be as open as possible in this time and was kind of trying to cope with everything:

“Hey, just fyi, I’m absolutely terrified and I am so sorry for this.”, I said while showing him how hard my hand was shaking.

“Oh come on, it’s ok. I’m not an axe murderer” he replied in a jokingly way with a slight chuckle.

“Well even if you were then I won’t have any assignments left to do so it’s a win-win situation!” I replied, and we both laughed :) #BestIceBreakerAmIRight?

So we continued walking and walking until we had to take a left down a weird alleyway. Truth be told it was really creepy.

“Uhm WHERE are you taking me?!” I exclaimed. “You want to rape me don’t you?” (obviously said sarcastically).

“Yeah, just ‘round this corner is my rape cave!” he responded (again obviously sarcastic).

And we laughed it off and continued walking and surprise surprise we were at the entrance of his flat! We entered and so it begun.

“Would you like something to drink? Tea? Water?” he asked.

“Some tea would be nice, thanks!” I answered.

“What kind?”

“Whatever you have.” I answered, not sure what else to say since I am so horrible at picking and making a decision.

He then opens a cupboard FULL of tea boxes to which he adds:

“Mate, I’m British. I own a lot of types of tea. So pick. I have…” and he started naming out ALL the kinds of tea he had, to which I respond:

“Just a black tea. Earl Grey if you may?”

“Sure thing!” he replied.

So he made me and himself some nice hot cups of tea, during which we had some small talk (more like me complaining about being a student) and then we went into his livingroom and sat on the blue, obviously worn out, IKEA couch.

“Now, if you don’t mind, I’ll continue my ‘Grace and Frankie’ marathon” he said.

“By all means!” I replied.

“Have you ever heard of this show before?”

“Can’t say I have. To be honest, I don’t really watch tv series nowadays... My free time is spent talking to friends online and playing games”

“Ok so. It’s about…” and he goes on to tell me the main plot of it and what I should know without giving any massive spoilers.

“Ok. Great thanks!” I respond and then we carry one watching.

At that point, even after all I described when we first met and afterwards, I did not want anything to happen. I just wanted a nice, cosy night, where I just waste time with this guy I just met and have a giggle.

While the show went on in the background we began talking and basically making small talk. He seemed like a genuine person. He seemed like one of those people who would just say anything to you in such a manner that it would be 100% true and not hurt as badly as it should. Later on, I came to learn that, although this was true, his decision of being so straight forward was not always the best of things. But, going back to the story line, while meaninglessly talking about random stuff, I noticed that he was paying more attention to me than the show. Me. A stranger. Someone he has just met over a dating app a few hours prior to that. And he was taking an interest into what I was saying. And being nice, even though he told me he was “a massive cunt” (his words, not mine). But I didn’t see a “cunt” that night. I didn’t even see a complete stranger. I saw someone that cared about my story. That cared about what I wanted to say, when few other people did. And that did not change till the end of the story. And for that I will be always grateful. Thank you, Rob. For everything.

At the point when the episode ended there was a slight silence for about 5 seconds, when he jumped out of the couch and said:

“Right. Wanna move somewhere more comfy?”

“Where? This couch is already more comfortable than my bed in my room. At least it doesn’t have a spring going into my back…” I responded with a slight chuckle.

“That couch is nowhere near as comfy as my bed. So, if we may?”

“Sure thing! Leggo!”

And I chugged the remaining quarter of a cup of tea that I had and we switched moved to his bedroom.

Truth be told, he was bragging earlier about how comfy his bed was and how I will fall in love with it once I lay in it. But me, being the bastard that I am, did not believe until I saw, or in this case, felt it. So we get there, I sit down and just exclaim:

“Oh. My. God. You weren’t joking…”

“I told you didn’t I?”

“Yes you did.” Point at which I fall on my back and whisper: “I’m never leaving this bed hooooooly shit…” Rob giggled and sat on the bed.

We then started talking. We talked and talked for a while and it felt amazing. I was thinking to myself: “Wow. He understands me. Or at least he tries to. How is this happening? Why is this happening? What am I feeling right now? Is this ok? Should I continue talking to this person? Am I doing the right thing? Will this come back to me and bite me? Am I really doing the right thing? Why? Why do I keep on talking and sharing stuff some people that have known me for years don’t know and why does it feel so right but so god damn wrong? Why? Ok, just pull yourself together. Don’t freak him out like you do to most people.” Mind you this happened in a matter of seconds. So… I get up and sit next to him and we continued talking. And it got to a point where we almost kissed, but I borderline denied it. I was not ready. And I was not even sure if I wanted that. I didn’t know what I wanted. I kept telling myself that I don’t want anything, but I was feeling the exact opposite. He giggled a bit after I “rejected” the kiss (if you want to use that word) and we moved on with our conversation.

At one point he laid on the bed, facing upwards. So, me being the socially awkward but sometimes ballzy person that I am, I laid there aswell and placed my head on his soft, comfy belly. In that moment I was in bliss. I felt like everything was great and nothing wrong was going on in my life. I felt safe for once in a long while. And that was an amazing sensation.

After a series of conversations he got up to drink some water and check his phone. I took the liberty to place my head on his lap and we continued talking. And this is where something very weird happened. I don’t remember what we were talking about. I don’t remember how the next part happened but I know for sure it did. There’s a blank space in my memory. Like it got wiped out. But… I place my head on his lap and (sigh)… the next thing I know our lips collided. At that point, time just stopped. I could feel the softness of his lips as well as the roughness of his bearded face. I, again, was in bliss. This is one of the only moments that absolutely nothing else went through my mind. It was just me and him. Nothing else. This doesn’t usually happen to me. It takes a lot for someone to make that happen and I was pleasantly surprised it did. Thank you, Rob. For everything.

It was hard to get out of that moment. It truly was. And once I did and I looked at him I felt so vulnerable. I giggled bit. The look he had in his eyes was so precious. I can still see those beautiful, perfect, blue eyes just looking at me like I was a trophy (or so I thought). I felt something I haven’t felt since I was 13. But then it happened again: “Wait. What’s happening? What JUST happened? This wasn’t supposed to happen. Is this ok? Was it the right decision? What was I thinking?! I don’t know this person! But it felt so right though. But was it? What did I get myself into? What am I doing? What if I get too attached again? It was just a kiss. But it felt like it was more than that… Oh God. Ok. Ok. Calm down. It’s gonna be fine. Just calm down. Breathe.”

Luckily I didn’t have a panic attack. I have no clue how I didn’t, but I’ll take it.

After that “event” we talked for a bit and got into bed. Now. Don’t worry. There’s not going to be any gross details because again, believe it or not, I’m a decent human being and I would not like to overshare something that: a) might be WAY too inappropriate, b) would piss off Rob, c) would make people start speculating stuff. Plus, it’s my private life and this story is already letting you peek into one of the most important and private experiences of my life.

But anywhore, we get into bed and we cuddled and “cuddled” for a good few hours. This was not supposed to happen. This was purely a happy accident and me not thinking straight (*giggle*). I didn’t want anything to happen and I just wanted a chill night without any strings attached, with, you know, clothes on, without it evolving into what it did and most certainly WITHOUT feelings getting involved. But, as always, life surprises you when you least expect it, am I right?

So we did whatever we did (don’t let your imagination drift away too much because most of the things you’re most likely thinking of didn’t actually happen) and we would sometimes stop and chat. And that felt amazing. It wasn’t just “cuddles” for me. It felt like something else. But you know, people don’t always feel the same way you do regarding some stuff.

Ok. Here I’ll go into a tiny bit of detail because I find it quite funny and apparently he did too. So. We were talking and at one point he said:

“Ok, turn on your side.”

“Uhm… Why?” I said with a slightly confused voice.

“Turn over with your back towards me, I wanna spoon you.” He explained.

“Ooooooh okay! Truth be told, I’ve never spooned before.” (yes, I know, I never cuddled till now when I’m 19. And what? Judge me :P )

“Oh my God!” He exclaimed with a slight giggle. “You’re such a gayby!”

This was a completely new term for me and so I asked borderline laughing and in confusion:

“I’m sorry, I’m a what? Baby?”

“Noooo! Gayby. Like baby, but you know on the gay side.”

(Ok. As a side-note, since I want to make this as close to truth as possible, I am not sure if that was the first time he called me that. He might have used it when I told him he was my second boy kiss but hey, I have the memory of a goldfish. AT LEAST I’M TRYING RIGHT?) <=[

So at that point I had my first spooning session (it sounds so sexual but it wasn’t, trust me) and I realised something I have been assuming for years now: “I would soooooo choose to cuddle and spoon with someone rather than, you know, ‘cuddle’.” After that happened, we went back to facing each other. I looked him in the eyes and he was looking back at me. I felt so open. Like had a clear path to my memory and everything I had repressed there. It scared me. But not enough to close up. It was a good kind of ‘scary’. I have never felt so… secure with myself while there was someone else next to me. It’s like all my insecurities disappeared for a minute and I wasn’t worrying about my body or face or anything. I was free. I was safe. At that point I hugged him and whispered:

“Thank you.”

“For what?” he answered with a slight chuckle.

“For everything.” I whispered back to him

And then there was silence. Smiles. A kiss. And sleep.

#story #novel #writing #love #new chapter #lgbt #the beginning #feels #yes

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