westbrandt - Tumblr blog

[westbrandt]

Dear Marisol,

Quick updates about my life:

1) I wrote about you in an essay for an application to a college that asked if social media is a bad thing and I was like "hell naw, dawg. I met my best friend through the sosh medz"

2) We're making hamburgers for dinner tonight and I'm super pumped

3) My friend is back from college for a week and I'm kind of nervous to see her because I'm scared she's moved on since I saw her last and she won't consider me as good a friend anymore. It's a stupid fear but I'm still scared.

4) There's a girl.

5) She's gay.

Love, Raine

[westbrandt]

Dear Marisol,

My computer broke and will no longer connect to the internet so I won't be able to skype soon unless it's from my mom's computer.

Hi.

Senior year is fucking stressful. Several different people expect me to put their projects first when I am clearly struggling with juggling only two things. My mom wants me to put school and college apps first, my SAT tutor wants me to put SATs first, my coach wants me to put volleyball first, and my friends are getting annoyed at how I can't hang out with them anymore. This whole thing is fucking stressful. A guy at my school killed himself last week and even though I didn't know him that well, we kind of grew up together. I'm still a little shaken. This whole week has been rough.

I miss you and I miss talking to you. I understand that junior year is stressful too and that you don't really have time to breathe between school and after school stuff, but I still want to talk to you soon.

I love you and miss you so much.

Love, Raine

[westbrandt]

Dear Raine, 

I'm really sorry I haven't been able to update this tumblr or even talk to you in general recently.  I have been so stressed out.  Like, ridiculously stressed out.  Junior year is difficult to say the least.  My classes are awful and I'm starting to question what I want to do with my life... English has never been my strongest subject, but right now, it is my favorite class. We are analyzing "The Catcher in the Rye" by J.D. Salinger and I feel really intelligent because I can accurately analyze the text and literary devices and my teacher always calls on me.  AP Chem is hell.  I silently cry to myself whenever we have a lab, quiz, or god forbid, a test.  It is so rough.  I can't wait to be a senior. How's that like? Is it any easier so far?  I barely have time to write this because I still have math and chem homework to do, and I need to shower.  God damn.  On the bright side, I have a parking space so I can drive to and from school now :) :) Also, my little sophomore friend, Lara, is dating a really nice kid from band and I'm really happy for her :) 

I miss you a lot, 

Sorry I can't really text you right now because my phone is basically broken.. no texting for me :(( But I preordered the iphone 6 so by next week everything should be good :)

ILY GIRL ILY  ~Marisol 

p.s. in spanish class we had to pick spanish names so i picked marisol, obviously ;)

[westbrandt]

Dear Marisol,

I just ate so many Oreos.

I feel a little sick.

But I think it was worth it.

Love, Raine

[westbrandt]

Dear Marisol,

College apps are freaking me the fuck out. I have a personal deadline of October 15th and all of a sudden that seems like no time at all. I had a break down the other night because of college apps, volleyball drama, and missing that friend that went to college. I'm under a fuck ton of stress. My coach isn't making it any easier. She expects me to stay calm and collected and organized as she screams at me over the smallest things and I fall apart inside. I have to walk around with a smile on my face when all I want to do is curl up and cry my face off. The other night, my friend at college skyped me and had a freak out over skype. She was crying and I felt helpless because I couldn't do anything except tell her that everything would be okay. I miss her so much it hurts. And our friendship was never a co-dependent thing where one feels lifeless without the other or where we depend on each other for happiness, but ever since she left I've felt a little empty. I have to force my laughs. It's not like I'm not finding happiness anywhere else (I've told you about that girl), it's just that I'm sad.

I miss you. We haven't had a chance to talk much and I miss you. I'm not really allowed to do anything except college apps and homework until after October 15th, so until then just texting will have to suffice as far as communication goes.

Being a senior is really weird. I already have a few freshmen who worship me which is pretty cool.

I'll try and keep you posted on my senior year by posting on here. (YOU SHOULD DO THE SAME DAMMIT)

I love and miss you.

Love, Raine

[westbrandt]

Hey Marisol

I miss you. I've starting my college applications and I'm kind of freaking out. My entire life, if someone were to ask me where I would be in the next year, I could easily tell them "school" or "on vacation" or something. Now, I have no idea where I'll be a year from now and I'll have no idea if I'll like college or not. My brother hated college and my friend hated it too. I'm extremely nervous. I keep having stress dreams about getting rejected from my top college. 

Talk to me soon yeah? I miss you.

Love, Raine

[westbrandt]

if i ever don’t reblog this assume i’m dead

[westbrandt]

Dear Marisol,

I have a business proposal.

Love, Raine

[westbrandt]

Dear Marisol,

Sorry I couldn't get on skype tonight, my homework got the best of me. 

So, there's this girl. Let's call her Ellen. I've liked her for about a month and a half-ish and I told her last night and when I did, her face looked heartbroken. She told me she didn't know how to respond to that and that she didn't know if she likes me. 

So I kinda fucked everything up in that area.

I don't know... I just thought she felt something too. 

[westbrandt]

Math Class Thoughts

Once upon a fallen rain

Math caused me to go insane

It started with a calculator 

And a pessimistic people hater

Counting methods, counting time

Waiting for the clock to chime

Tired kids and tired eyes

Radius equals r times pi

Pencil, pens, and data graphed

Inside jokes and muffled laughs

Chitter, chatter, talk galore

Math is such a little whore

[westbrandt]

you know what. i think i really want to go to Boston University. i just spent the past hour watching videos about life there and everyone looks so nice and normal. i watched an adorable video from Sigma Kappa, which is a sorority at BU and i never thought that i would have wanted to join a sorority until i saw that. they look so happy and friendly.

i am hella scared to make friends at school so i am trying to find colleges that have people that i think are my kind of people there. i think BU has those kinds of people.

now just to tour BU and find other schools that have a higher acceptance rate just in case.

~Marisol

[westbrandt]

Dear Marisol,

I am currently writing a story for school about two lesbian cops.

I accidentally came out to half the theater department (I think)

Am I out?

If so, SHIT DICKS.

Also I'm like hella gay.

I mean, there'll still be guys who I'll be like "hello" but still, I love girls so much. 

Unless they're straight bitches who lead me on.

Anywho.

Just felt like sharing.

Love you so much

Love, Raine

P.S. One month and 13 days

[westbrandt]

Dear Marisol,

Damn, it's been a while. I miss you. I'm sorry if I've seemed distant or weird lately, you know about stuff that happens and shit that goes down in my life cause there's this loop that I like to keep you in even though sometimes I forget. That sentence was weird. Yesterday during my therapy session my therapist, Mark, asked me to talk about Bats. I had to go into every agonizing detail of that heartbreak. I guess it was my first heartbreak. I've put off thinking about it until yesterday and now I can't get it off my mind. She was without a doubt my best friend. And for her to use me like that? I mean, she had just talked to me about getting engaged to her boyfriend after college and then four hours later she's trying to have sex with me. Even during our conversation before hand, she said that gay sex wasn't real sex so it wouldn't count as cheating. Who says that? Especially to their closeted gay best friend. Even after she said that, I almost let stuff happen.

I was the one who stopped it, not her.

I was the one who had been in love (if love is the correct term, I really hope it isn't though because I hate the idea of loving her now) with her for two years and I stopped it. 

She was pre-engaged and couldn't stop talking about her boyfriend for the entirety of the evening and I was the one who stopped anything from happening.

I trusted her with my life and my family's lives.

And then for her to just use me like that? 

I still haven't been able to wrap my head around how selfish she is.

Even now, she's too wrapped up in herself to care about how much she fucked me up. I went through an extreme depression for four months following that night. 

Four fucking months.

And the only time she cared to text me was when she and her boyfriend broke up. 

At this point, I couldn't care less about her.

She's the reason I can't fall in love with people.

I'm too scared because of her.

Sorry for the rant. I've got shit I'm going through.

Love you always,

Raine

[westbrandt]

While most people crave to be held when they're sad, I crave to hold someone else.

[westbrandt]

I want to eat pho and drink beer at 2am with you

[westbrandt]

Dear Marisol,

Some people are giant flirts. 

And they lead you on.

And then they leave.

And then they come back and lead you on some more.

And you spend five hours alone in your room

And you wonder if their body language or flirty gestures meant anything

And then eventually decide that this is just the old cycle.

And it's just as painful as before she left.

Love, Raine

[westbrandt]

I saw this post on facebook and felt like a spotlight landed on it and singled it out from all the other meaningless posts around it. This speaks so deeply to me. I sometimes forget that I'm only human and won't be good at everything. I never think about the fact that there is only room to improve in my life. There's nothing I can do to change the past and can only use my knowledge from my mistakes to make my life a little easier in the future. We are all a work in progress. No one is completely put together from the get go. Every day that passes is a day that we have improved something about ourselves. It can be anything. Maybe you learned all the lyrics to a new song, or maybe you finally nailed a dance routine or got a letter of acceptance into your top college. Anything. Everyday we're improving, even if we don't realize it ourselves. 

Others sure as hell do realize it. 

-R