wewokeuplaughing - Tumblr blog

[wewokeuplaughing]

My presence in the lives of the ones I love feels unwelcome and unnecessary. Why bother?

[wewokeuplaughing]

Everything is getting bad again

It's all so loud again

I just want it to be quiet

Quiet like it was for a long time

There's an incoming relapse

The light is gone

Hello darkness

[wewokeuplaughing]

[wewokeuplaughing]

It doesn't matter what I do or what I say or how politely I ask. Just disregard.

It doesn't matter what our history is or how much we loved each other or how many good times we had. Just disregard.

It doesn't matter if I'm falling apart at the seams or if I'm drowning or if I'm screaming. Just disregard.

You don't see me. You see through me. I don't exist. Disregard.

[wewokeuplaughing]

I will never be enough.

[wewokeuplaughing]

Constantly torn between “if I show symptoms I’m real and valid” and “I can’t show any symptoms because then I’ll be a bother so I have to internalize everything.”

[wewokeuplaughing]

The light at the end of the tunnel is shrinking and getting dimmer. I'm either going backwards or the tunnel is stretching out in front of me. Why bother trying to move forward when I'll never get out of here? This shit is exhausting.

[wewokeuplaughing]

you know what would be great? not getting physical pains when my friends hang out without me

[wewokeuplaughing]

When the clouds part just enough...just enough to let a sliver of light shine through, I feel hope and relief and joy and uncertainty. The clouds are still there. They're still dark. They still threaten to throw me back into darkness without warning. But, oh, the light! That light gives me something to hold onto. And clenched fists hold it so tightly, until fingernails draw blood, desperate and grateful for the reminder that light does exist. In the light, I can breathe. In the light, I can see... me.

I can't let go. I won't let go.

[wewokeuplaughing]

I have these moments when I think maybe *just maybe* I'm getting better. A good day or two or three in a row when I have energy and I'm a bit more productive and happy-ish. I'm on the right track. This is it this time. I'M FINALLY GETTING BETTER. But I don't get better. The insomnia, anxiety, and depression pull me back in. I feel bad again.

[wewokeuplaughing]

She's such a good girl.

And I was. I was a good girl. Labeled as such early on. Because I behaved appropriately in public. Because I didn't talk back. Because I was smart.

She's such a good girl.

Compared me to my sister. Compared me to the neighbor kids. Compared me to all the other students at school. I shined a dull shine, recognizable but forgettable.

She's such a good girl.

Never told that I was funny. Never told that I was pretty. But that's okay. Get the good grades and be polite. Hold the smile. Grit the teeth.

She's such a good girl.

That's all that I was. That's all they could see. Except in reality, that wasn't me. I did that shit for you, not for me. Because it was the only way that I could be seen.

She's such a good girl.

[wewokeuplaughing]

Sometimes I just don’t want to be here

[wewokeuplaughing]

“Sometimes, a bad day turns into a bad week, which finally becomes a bad month, which ends up leading to generalized bad times. And you struggle. You feel like you’ve been thrown into a battlefield you did most certainly not ask for. But you are here. And you have to keep fighting. Sometimes, staying alive is like taking a spoon of the medicine you hate the most. This syrup solution is bitter, hard to swallow and straight up disgusting so you block your nose with the other hand and drink it anyways because you have no other options. The same thing happens here. When you don’t want to fight anymore because you are just so tired, all you have to do is to blindly trust you’re gonna make it out alive. You have to keep fighting. Even if you are crawling on the floor. I don’t care, you’ve got to keep fighting. Life goes on after death, you will go on after bad times. I swear.”

— i haven’t pep talked myself in so long.

[wewokeuplaughing]

"I already do everything. Why change that now?"

You said that to me.

Why the fuck would you think that's funny? It's not. It's passive-aggressive. And you're supposed to be the one fucking person on my team.

Newsflash: I know I don't do much. Because I am in pain. Because I am tired. Because the one thing that I do manage to accomplish daily takes every goddamn fiber of my being: staying alive. You know why? Because I don't want to be. Because my body hurts from the grief, from the physical ailments that follow me everywhere, from the whining and the crying and the fighting over who gets this color crayon, from breathing. But I fight to stay alive. Not for me. For you. For our family. I hide this shit day in and day out. But you know it's there. I've told you it's there. So many times.

But you must not believe me. So many years. With that comment, you don't have my back the way I thought you did, the way you promised you would. You think what I've always feared you thought: I'm lazy. But I'm not. I thought you understood that.

Until that comment. That question.

I asked you to carry a bowl to the kitchen. And your response broke my heart.

So you go ahead and you do everything yourself. Why change that now?

[wewokeuplaughing]

Accurate

What Depression feels like

[wewokeuplaughing]

I need to be needed. I want to be wanted.

Surrounded by those who care, but all alone.

They're quiet because they think that's what I need.

Silently screaming to be seen.

Nobody knows me.

[wewokeuplaughing]