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Loveloop

Chapter 1: Without You

Perhaps today wasn't his day. No, it was never his day. Ever since Razor died, Bennett felt like his life dried out. He was trying to be positive, always hiding his pain and issues behind a smile. It's not that his smile wasn't sincere, it was just broken in a way nobody other than Bennett himself could understand. He hid all of what bothered him extremely well, in fact, people were rather envious of his happy-go-lucky type of life. But at home Bennett was a mess. Tears stained his pillows every night as he downed his pills, his usually spiky white hair laying flat around his face. The apartment where he drowned himself in depression was rather dark and curtains were rarely open to let the light seep in. It wasn't dirty in any way, but it didn't feel so.

Bennett groaned as he put his phone down. He was going to have to work overtime and he wasn't liking it. The amount of work on his shoulders was suffocating him even more, but at least it kept his mind busy most of the time, not wandering off to Razor. However, today wasn't the day to work overtime. He had to go and buy flowers, ones he knew Razor would loved, something he could put on the grave of his deceased high-school love. Bennett couldn't move on. He wasn't allowed to move on. After all, it was his fault Razor was dead. If only he wasn't late that day, the boy wouldn't have died such a tragic and painful death. Bennett had to be punished for it and every day in his mind was torture to repay for his sins.

Once the clock hit 6PM, Bennett got up, leaving all the extra work he was supposed to do that day for some other time. He rushed out of the building just in time to catch the bus at the nearby station. Bennett made his way to the florist. It was a small shop, yet it was decorated beautifully with many types of flowers that he couldn't recognise. Not that he knew any, other than Windwheel Asters and Wolfhooks.

He opened the door that led him inside, a little bell chiming as he did, stepping inside with a small "hello" to a green haired girl that was tending to the flowers. The girl quickly stood up "uh...hello" she muttered before running off to the back, leaving Bennett rather confused as he approached the shop's counter. "Teacher Tighnari, there's somebody..." a soft voice of the green haired girl could barely be heard. Soon enough, a man, a bit shorter than Bennett, walked out with a smile. "I apologise for Collei, she is a bit shy. How may I help you?" A man, Bennett presumed to be the mentioned Tighnari, asked rather enthusiastically. The white haired man sighed, "May I get a bouquet of Windwheel Asters. Uh, make it so that there are some wolfhooks too." He scratched the back of his neck awkwardly. "Razor would love that..." those words were mumbled, something that Tighnari didn't manage to quite catch, but instead just nodded and got to work with the girl, that Bennett now knew as Collei.

"Here you go sir." Tighnari softly laid the the beautiful big bouquet in Bennett's hands with a smile. He decided not to say anything, for the white haired man already felt down, Tighnari could sense it. He handed him a small candle as well, "Free of charge." Bennett was confused, but he decided to just accept the gift he was given. "Thank you, Mister." He held the bouquet tightly, but not in a harsh way to break it or ruin the flowers, just scared to lose a piece of something that reminded him of his loved one.

The graveyard, despite being coated in summer sunlight, was gloomy to Bennett. He couldn't stand being there, thus he didn't go. He preferred mourning Razor's death alone where nobody could see him or hear him, somewhere he could cry a river with nobody batting an eye. Not that he cared if anybody saw him either way, but he just liked the depression hole his home had become. He stopped to think about his own actions for a moment, shaking his head as soon as he realised he started to overthink again. Bennett swiftly turned on his heel, making his way to his beloved Razor's grave. He knew the path by heart, he would always know no matter how many times he tried to forget.

Razor's grave was not well taken care of, the only people visiting it being Bennett, who comes once a year, and Fischl, who is rarely in town, but she does take her time to pay Razor a visit every time she does come. Bennett knew Fischl would surely come on Razor's anniversary, she always did. She brought him the most beautiful flowers every year, ones that she picked herself very carefully. Bennett and Fischl fell out after Razor's death, Bennett blaming himself and Fischl refusing to believe her best friend was gone. They couldn't help each other heal. Fischl would still attempt to talk to Bennett as years passed, but he couldn't look her in the eye, running away almost immediately every time they met. He was afraid. Afraid of Fischl blaming him, as if she knew he was guilty. Bennett simply couldn't deal with the pain of his guilt.

Luckily, the grave was empty when Bennett arrived. That meant Fischl still hasn't come and he could slip without meeting her. He shook his head, pushing the thoughts about her away, now focusing on the name on the stone. He kneeled down, the bouquet now placed on the cold stone illuminated by the bright sun. And finally, a tear streamed down Bennett's cheek. Within a matter of seconds, a tear turned into a desperate cry for forgiveness, heavy tears of sorrow and regret. Like a mantra, he repeated his love's name, "Razor." Sometimes he would add in, "Please forgive me" or "I'm sorry" in hopes of getting an answer he already knew he was never going to get.

It took him a while to calm down at least for a little bit. He threw himself onto the grass next to the grave, placing his hand over his heart. "I've grown taller than you. And... I work in an office." He sighed not knowing why he was even talking to himself. "I miss you every day... Razor, come back to me."

Razor could never come back, and Bennett knew that very well, after all the long haired boy was far gone. Whilst Bennett grew to be 27, Razor stayed at 17, forever to remain as such in memory. Razor had nobody in his life, he was an orphan child. His parents died when he was 13, leaving him to take care of himself, which he did pretty well. Bennett adored him with all his heart, the boy wasn't academically the smartest, but he was highly intelligent despite, he respected that. During sad days, Bennett would disappear to Razor's house and the boy welcomed him with open arms. They considered each other family. Fischl and Bennett were Razor's only family and Razor would do anything for them, even if it meant he wouldn't benefit from it. His dedication to family was what mattered, all that was even left of his life. Bennett remembered the way Razor's eyes sparkled crimson whenever they would land on Bennett himself, the messy hair that Fischl would often braid for him, dishevelled clothes Bennett would help him wear properly. He specifically remembered the way his eyes formed crescents whenever he would smile, his cheeks seemingly getting softer like the sweetest candy Bennett ever tasted. He reminded him of a cute puppy. Razor was taller than him at the time and he took pride in it, he was convinced that the fact he was bigger in size meant that he could protect his family well. In truth, Bennett protected Razor from malicious people and their comments all the time, often picking fights with people who had something against Razor. The puppy boy would take care of his wounds rather carefully, and Bennett would lie about how he got them. It was always "I'm clumsy" or "I was just unlucky", and whilst true on itself, it didn’t speak on the events.

"You were my lucky charm, Razor. With you, I... I could be myself, I could do whatever I set my mind on." Bennett had to admit that to his own incomplete heart. A few tears started seeping out of his eyes, the male soon turning into a sobbing mess. "I'm sorry... I'm sorry. I'm sorry!" He repeated the words, this time with bitterness coating his voice which broke with every next word. The candle in his pocket remained forgotten, no light could ever show the spark in his heart when Razor was there. Bennett had already set his mind by that time. No, he knew the day when he was ready would come sooner or later. It was his time to go. It was his time to meet Razor again.

That night the moon was full, shining as bright as a sun, set out to lead the lost ones home. Razor was Bennett's home, Razor was Bennett's heart and soul. Bennett didn't think about anything as he walked towards the bridge, there wasn't much to think about either way. "Take a deep breath Bennett... this is it." He stopped at the middle of the bridge, and without taking a look at the speeding, cold river underneath, Bennett closed his eyes, taking a deep breath and releasing it, and leapt forward. Razor being the only thing he thought of, the only one he wished to meet again, as he broke through the water surface, entering the endless abyss. He felt his heart break again as his eyes became heavy, the vicious waters washing him away. Bennett closed his eyes and everything disappeared.