wileycap - Tumblr blog

[wileycap]

Average future Neuralink app:

This AMAZING new app will track how many times you PEE per DAY, and it will tell you if that's GOOD or BAD (according to a 1989 study with one participant by the "University" Of Guns and Jesus, The Only University That Has To Put "University" In Quotes)

PeeDay requires permission to:

Monitor your bodily functions 24/7

Make you wet your bed if you don't meet your pee quota for the day

Occasionally hijack your eyes

Filter out any subversive ideas your ears pick up

Force you to assassinate a political figure

Toggle Bluetooth on/off

[wileycap]

for next april fools, instead of boops, it'll be poops. click a button and you can send your mutuals actual shit. for just 7,99 you can

[wileycap]

inspired by boop day, reblog this post if its ok for people to send you random asks and interact on your posts with no judgement. i want to talk to people.

[wileycap]

secret bone surgeon

secret bone surgeon

she's given you some pins and

ruined your MRI

[sick guitar riff]

*booking an mri* what if I accidentally have a pacemaker. what if I got secret bone surgery and forgot about the pins

[wileycap]

I hate that Tumblr doesn't have a "find that post with that funny line, yeah you know the one, I think I saw it on my dash in 2013 I think" feature.

[wileycap]

I don't think I've seen anybody talk about how absolutely insane The Boiling Rock is from Hakoda's perspective.

Imagine getting captured, and your son tells you that you won't be apart for too long. That's sweet, but obviously your son has no resources to spare for organizing a breakout. You hope that the Avatar can defeat the Fire Lord soon - that's the earliest time you could hope to be rescued.

You get put into a temporary holding facility until the guards can sort out who is who. After a while, they put you on a prisoner transport to the Boiling Rock. Your captors try to intimidate you by telling you that it's the highest security prison in the Fire Nation, probably the whole world. It's far away from the capital.

You arrive at the Boiling Rock. It really is in the middle of a boiling lake. There's only one way in or out, and it's a gondola that takes you above the boiling lake. You meet the warden. They take you to your cell. You settle down to wait for the end of the war.

And 15 minutes later Sokka comes in like "hey dad I'm here I got the prince of the Fire Nation and an Earth Kingdom ninja leader gf ok let's go I'm busting you out"

[wileycap]

Imagine being Jeong jeong when he first met Aang

You’re ripping into this kid who wants to learn fire bending but hasn’t even mastered water bending yet and suddenly God is standing in front of you asking if you just called him a little bitch

[wileycap]

His Wikipedia article also has an incredible bit of comedy on it. Behold:

[citation needed]

Incredible burn, 10/10.

The best low-stakes grifter of all time, though, is Carlos Kaiser, who put together a 13-year career as a soccer player without once playing soccer. He would sign for a team, fake an injury, and then leave at the end of his contract to sign with another team. Once he was actually asked to play in a game and immediately fought with supporters to get a red card, and not only stayed on the team but got an extension. He did it all just before the internet would've made it easy for teams to go "huh, in his old country he was injured the same way" (since he used the same excuse, a hamstring injury, every time bc it was hard to detect back then)

Pictured: a king of the game

[wileycap]

[wileycap]

[wileycap]

The Palace Servants in the first year of Zuko's reign:

"Your Majesty, a motion has respectfully been put forth for you to employ the services of a royal food taster. We humbly ask that you consider it."

... the fifth year of his reign:

"Lord Zuko, the Imperial Firebenders can handle the assassins. Please stay out of this."

... and the 30th year of his reign:

"GET OFF THE ROOF, YOU FUCKING GREMLIN! YOU'RE ALMOST FIFTY!"

[wileycap]

I told my parents that I'm going to become Batman, and they strongly objected. Luckily, the first phase of my plan will take care of that.

[wileycap]

you know if someone were to have a colony of E. burchellii and then that person were to pluck out an individual that seems like it's a middle-ranked one and then name it after Iroh's son, they would have Lieutenant Lu Ten Ant.

british people will never truly appreciate the sheer comedy of iroh, the most famous general in the world, naming his son, the crown prince of the fire nation, lu ten. because they pronounce it “leftenant” like freaks.

[wileycap]

Am I crazy or are these search recommendations the lyrics to a new wave song from the 80s?

You guys see it, right?

[wileycap]

Further Excerpts From The Fire Nation Royal Palace Servants' (Unofficial) Handbook

Or: More Revisions To Normal Protocol After The Ascension Of Agni's Exalted Flame, The Dragon Of The Sun, et cetera, Fire Lord Zuko

Part 1:

7. If His Majesty offers you advice regarding martial arts, camouflage, theatre, or any other subject which he is commonly known to be well-versed in, accept it gratefully. If His Majesty offers you advice on emotional matters, listen politely and then disregard it.

7.1. If His Majesty uses the phrase "silver sandwich", you are entitled to a longer lunch break. So you can take a longer bite out of your silver sandwich.

7.1.1. Please do not vandalize the handbook, even if you think it's funny.

7.1.2. Especially if you think it's funny, Chikao.

7.2. If you share something tragic with His Majesty, and he replies "that's rough, buddy", it means he empathizes with your situation.

7.2.1 Alright, maybe he did need to learn that it's not a great way to respond to tragedy. But "rough like the boulders that crushed my father?" was a bit much.

8. Prince Iroh has advised the servants not to reveal to His Majesty what the meat in turtleduck dumplings is. Apparently, he thinks the name comes from their shape. The dumplings are not shaped like turtleducks.

8.1. Now that His Majesty knows, be ready to recite the names of all the turtleducks in the palace at a moment's notice, and also to reassure His Majesty that they are all safe, accounted for, and uneaten.

9. His Majesty should be kept apprised of any "sightings" of the Blue Spirit. The Blue Spirit is an entirely fictional creature. However, his belief in it is entirely benign (and as far as eccentricities go, we've all seen worse) and likely something he will outgrow with age.

9.1. Do not lie about any "sightings". If His Majesty is told that the Blue Spirit was sighted near his window, he will be extremely distraught for the entire day. The Fire Lord has too many real assassins to worry about already. There is no need to add imaginary ones to the mix.

9.1.1. And whenever he is distraught, his footsteps are even quieter than they normally are. It is hard enough to keep track of his movements as it is.

10. While His Majesty has approved the "Kick Ozai Retreat" for servants who were mistreated by Ozai of the Fire Nation (titles rmvd, dishon.), it will never be organized. Please suggest other activities for the Servant Wellness Day.

10.1. Yes, that is because Avatar Aang found out.

10.1.1. Specifically because of the very heartfelt and very long speech he gave on the matter. And the fear that he might give one again.

10.1.2. And no, we can not "simply tell the Avatar to shut up." He is the Avatar. And he is also a 13-year-old boy. His dragonling eyes are very effective.

11. Princess Azula is at the stage of her treatment where she will take regular trips to the palace, dividing her time between her island and here. We're all terrified, but there's nothing we can do.

11.1. Lady Beifong has offered to act as protection, should the need arise. On an unrelated note, the kitchens will now be serving a number of delicacies from the State of Gaoling.

11.2. At the specific and undeniable request of Master Toph, The Blind Bandit, her titles and styles have been updated and they will be enforced effective immediately.

12. If Avatar Aang is seen on a rooftop with no apparent purpose, that means that Fire Lord Zuko is also on that rooftop. Get him down.

12.1. If Master Katara appears to be discreetly looking for someone, that usually means that one or all of His Majesty, Avatar Aang, Master Toph, the Honorable Tribesman Sokka, or the lemur Momo are in some kind of trouble. Assist her. Before one of those idiots gets themselves killed.

12.2. Do not vandalize the handbook, even if it's true. Also, please do not call our Fire Lord, the Avatar, Master Toph, or the Avatar's beloved pet an idiot.

13. Any senior officials who wish to challenge Fire Lord Zuko to an Agni Kai should be directed to the Fourth Scribe's office. They should also be told that there is a waitlist.

13.1. If the Honorable Tribesman Sokka wishes to challenge the Fire Lord to an Agni Kai again, he should be denied. No matter what he tells you, he has not developed Firebending abilities by means of "Spirit World shenanigans" or by Avatar Aang "just giving them to him, Energybending style, like best buddies do, you know."

13.1.1. The Matron has made it known that if the Honorable Tribesman Sokka offers to demonstrate his so-called "Firebending abilities" again, servants are allowed one free kick. The last time he did it, the stench from his blubber bombs lingered for three weeks.

[wileycap]

nothing like boys in rubber masks playing games where the loser is smacked in the nipples with a rubber band

Boys (Unmute !)

[wileycap]

Personally, I think the green bumblecar is mega problematic, mostly due to the influence of the stans. Whereas I can't see a fandom related reason for garbled himbospeak thus revealing nimble sexymen auto detailing how a French glup within Scorsese's masterstroke that with never put into a shark horse.

Apparently they're selling post content to train AI now so let us be the first to say, flu nork purple too? West motor vehicle surprise hamster much! Apple neat weed very crumgible oysters in a patagonia, my hat. Very of the and some then shall we not? Much jelly.